CHAPTER 28: THE LIES OF DESPAIR
"Slowly don't sit up to quickly." Anders held onto my shoulders keeping me propped up against him. With a free hand he shuffled around behind me while I stared at my hands. My entire body felt bruised and sore. I couldn't even twich a finger without pain shooting down my spine. Each breath was like fire in my chest; the ends of my toes and fingers frozen. Anders sat me back against the pillows of the bed, and my body just sank right back into them. "Are you hungry?" I could hear him ask, but I didn't bother to look up at him.
I just blinked as I stared across the room, the only sign that I was even semi-conscious. I tried to slow my breathing down to only what was necessary. Even then I didn't care if I stopped all together. My body to broken and mind shattered.
I wish I could say that I didn't remember anything. That everything up to this point was just a fog. How I wished that was the case, but it wasn't. I remembered everything. I could remember the moment the old man attacked me, tangling my arms and legs in vines. Knocking me unconscious and everything that happened in the Fade. Awaking again to see the man leaving with something in his arms as he sauntered off.
I remember attacking Fenris, and nearly killing Anders. And them almost killing me. I was only a spectator in my own body. Lashing out at anything that moved. There was nothing about that day that I didn't remember.
I could only watch as it replayed over and over in my head. "You're such an idiot for going off like that." My eyes shifted over to Anders, he was picking up a bowl of something.
"Careful it's hot." He fed me slowly forcing some tasteless soup into my mouth.
"Don't choke stupid. Stupid girl killed herself choking on warm water."
"Leave me alone." I rasp out knocking the spoon and bowl away.
X-x-x-x-x-x
Anders just managed to turn the bowl so it didn't dump its contents over Valerie. With the action he found himself standing covered in the thin broth. Biting the inside of his cheek he placed the bowl on the desk once more and picked up a clean rag.
"What happened?" Varric asked as he came into the room.
Anders looked back down to Valerie, who was once again in a deep sleep. "She had a panic attack." He dropped the cloth onto the floor covering the puddle of spilled broth.
"I heard she was waking up earlier today. And I brought flowers and everything." Varric gave a lopsided grin shuffling a small wicker basket in his hands. "How has she been?"
"Hard to say truly. Her body is recovering quickly, but her mind I fear is slipping."
Anders stared down at the rag on the floor as it changed from white to light brown. Varric picked at a small white flower before placing it on the table beside the empty bowl. "She's been through a lot."
Anders gave a 'hmm' of agreement. Varric strode to the bedside placing his hand over Valerie's, clasping it tightly in his own as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Come on, Kitten. You can pull through this." Anders backed away from the two so the other man could talk in hushed privacy. "I very can't well end my story this early, now can I?" He gave a soft chuckle. "I'll come visit you when you're feeling better, alright? You be good for Blondie. I know he does that weird thing with his face when he's concentrating, but try to ignore that." Varric gave her hand a soft pat and sat it back down onto the bed.
When he turned back to face Anders the mage had bunched his eyebrows close together, and his upper lip raised. "What weird thing with my face." Varric simply shook his head as though he didn't know what the other man had been talking about.
Three weeks later...
"Don't be afraid to lean against me." Garrett's hand held me steady as I pulled my legs over the edge of the bed. I could see my legs they seemed so thin and weak as they moved across the covers. My knees locked up as soon as my feet hit the floor and refused to straighten out. "There you're getting faster at this." He spoke again as I finally stood on my own two feet.
He kept up with my slow pace as we walked across the room toward the door. I stopped suddenly nearly losing my balance. My throat went dry and my eyes widened. "No no no, I can't!" I shook my head violently causing the room to spin. All I could remember was shouting 'no' repeatedly and finding myself sitting back on the bed, and Garrett putting the covers around my shoulders. I rocked back and forth staring at the door. I felt as though I were a child again fearing the boogeyman. The one that I knew existed in this world.
I could hear a fed up grunt from Garrett. "You're damn useless you know that."
I screwed my eyes shut covering my ears with my hands. His hand touched my shoulder. "Valerie are you alright?" I answered with a scream, trying to drown his voice out of my head. His hand left in an instant as I hummed to myself.
X-x-x-x-x-x
"There she's finally resting." Anders placed the pouch of herbs into another bag. His hand touched Valerie's forehead, feeling no fever he picked through another set of herbs. "What else happened after she started to walk?" He asked setting a vial to the side for later use.
Garrett gave a short recount of what had occurred earlier in the day. Anders began flipping through pages of his notes.
"Has she become violent again?"
"No other than today she's been docile." Anders began opening several small jars, and mixed them together and began forming small round pills. Garrett watched from over Anders shoulder as the medicine was packed into a small empty box.
"This won't put her out like what I just used." Anders gave the box of medicine to Garrett for safekeeping. "It should help with the anxiety and stress." He packed away the rest of his belongings. "I'll come check on her in the morning. When she wakes up have her take one of those immediately."
"Anything else?"
"No, we just wait. Take things slow otherwise she might..." Anders cleared his throat. "Remember give her one when she wakes. I'll see you in the morning." Both men left the room, Anders passing by Fenris without so much as a glance. The latter ignoring him just as intently.
"Fenris." Garrett gave a tired greeting none to surprised to see the elf.
The elf acknowledged him with a nod of the head. "May I go in?"
Garrett stepped to the side to allow Fenris to pass. His hand shot out to stop the warrior. "She's sleeping so don't expect her to even know you're there." Fenris looked away grinding his teeth together. Garrett left with nothing else to say, and gave a yell to Feng.
Fenris suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as the front door was slammed shut several minutes later, and he realized that he hadn't made any farther attempt to enter the room. He shifted around on his feet trying to decide what he wanted. He turned to leave, but stopped himself. His shoulders slumped forward as he rested his head against the wall.
Eventually he worked up enough courage to enter the room. It seemed ages to reach the bed, nearly collapsing into the floor he sat down wearily. She seemed so pale against the dark red sheets of her bed. His hand reached out to trace along her cheek, barely able to see the many freckles dotted along her face. "I'm so sorry, I should have been there." He looked away from her face pulling his hand back to himself. He should have been faster.
He turned back expecting to see her staring back up at him. Accusing or accepting gaze, just to see her eyes staring back at him. "I never meant to hurt you. I was such a fool, and I've known all along. I should have turned around. I should have stayed." He didn't know if that would have even been enough. He knew it was to late to do anything, the suffering he had been trying to avoid found its target anyhow. His eyes closed shut tightly as he lent over burrowing his face in blankets beside her. His arms rested one at her side, and the other clutching as tightly as he dared.
The entire night he stayed by her side, hoping that she would awaken, and dreading the moment in turn.
It was well into the early hours of the next morning before Valerie began to awaken from the sleep induced by Anders' medicine.
X-x-x-x-x-x
On one side I felt warmer than the other. A slight weight pressed down across my legs, but somehow I felt safer in this moment than I have in the last several days.
"You don't deserve to be safe!"
I wanted to tell who ever that was to shut up, and leave me alone but all that left was a gargled moan. I took a deep breath counting to ten and opened my eyes. At first I couldn't make out what the white blob of a mess was laying beside me, half hanging off the other side of the bed. I must have gave a twitch because Fenris was awake and staring back at me. He once again became a blur of white and green as he rose up. I felt a sting in my eyes and warmth as tears spilled over my cheeks.
I don't know when he moved closer, but his arms wrapped around my shoulders hesitating, waiting for me to push him away. They slowly closed drawing me into him. Seeing him allowed everything that I had built up to come spilling forth. He said nothing, no coo's of 'it's alright' that would fall on deaf ears. Just a warm place to hide as I sobbed.
"Stop that, he's just going to leave again, and then you'll be all alone once more. Boo-hoo!"
"Don't go, please don't go!" I tried to spit out as coherently as I could.
His arms tightened. "I will never leave your side again."
I knew he told the truth. "But what if he's not! What then?" I shuttered trying to hide in his arms, bringing my hands over my ears. I mumbled under my breath falling in and out of sleep once again.
"Valerie?" Fenris pulled back his face contorted in concern.
"He doesn't care, you're being used." I took a deep breath as my blood ran cold. I no longer felt safe. I don't know if it was my heart beating in my ears or tinnitus. I felt like I was choking, I couldn't breathe. Fenris' hands moved to cover my own as his mouth moved, but I could hear nothing other than the constant loud ringing in my ears.
My body went stiff as he jumped from the bed his head turning away from me. He looked like he was yelling about something. I felt like I was flying away from my own body. I could see myself, cowering on the bed turning blue in the face. Twitching violently every few seconds while Fenris jumped about. Garrett came running into the room, half dressed and dishevelled. Without even breaking transition I could see him normally. I coughed as he put something in my mouth, and gasp for breath that I just couldn't take in.
"Valerie, focus pay attention to my voice."
"Just die it'll be easier!"
"In and out. Like that alright." Garrett took a breath in from his nose, nostrils flaring, and exhaled through his mouth. "Just relax."
"Don't bother, being dead will be easier!"
I watched Garrett intently trying to mimic his actions. "That's it, in and out." I coughed feeling the shaking in my arms begin to subside. Before I knew what was happening my breaths evened out, and I could hear clearly again. I tried to swallow, but nothing happened. "See you didn't need help after all." Garrett's beard crinkled up as he smiled from the corner of his mouth. He stood for a second, I could hear water being poured from somewhere beside me.
He returned a glass in hand. As I took it he turned back to Fenris. I couldn't see the looks the two exchanged as the glass blocked my view as I turned and emptied the liquid within.
Garrett and Fenris stood close by making small conversation. Mostly about what everyone had been up to for the last month. They told me Isabela was back, I smiled at that. It felt like the first time in forever that I had. They told me she wanted to take me to the Hanged-man as soon as I was able to walk again, and after a night time treat at the Blooming Rose.
That really didn't make me want to leave the confines of my room. I was safe here, nothing could happen to me here. Out there was to chaotic, and dangerous.
Several days later, Anders came back. He had been visiting less frequently, but something happened that forced him to return. I don't remember much of what started it, but the first thing that happened was I lay in the bed unable to breathe again. The entire room began to tremble and grew dark.
It felt like someone was sitting on my chest I couldn't move. There was nothing there, but with each struggle to scream or move was met with force. The very shadows on the wall began to warp and slither across the ceiling. All converging in the middle, growing downward stretching out toward me. I couldn't close my eyes, or turn my head. I was forced to watch as it fell to the ground out of my view. I thought it was over, but it rose back up at the edge of my bed. Towering over me, bending over as it met with the ceiling once more.
"Who are you?" It allowed me to say. It's shapeless form split apart a tiny tendril of smoke, pointing at me with a claw like hook.
It's laugh was slow, high with false glee. The voice molasses, drawn-out and over exaggerated.
It hooked it's claw under my chin, bringing it's own 'face' to mine.
"We are Despair..."