Sorry for not updating for a whole month! I haven't been writing as much... tfw school takes up all your time...
But thankfully school is over! So maybe now I'll have more time to write.
Zelda sighed, for the seventeenth time that morning. Samus was starting to get annoyed.
"Something wrong?" Samus asked.
Zelda sighed, again.
Samus resisted the urge to sigh in frustration herself. Instead, she said, "Y'know, if you keep sighing at that rate, you're going to break your record."
"What record?" groaned Zelda.
"The last time I counted how many times you sighed, it was twenty-three. And that was over the course of a whole day." Samus put her elbows on the cafeteria table and rested her head in her hands. "You've sighed almost three-fourths of that in the past twenty minutes. So, is something wrong?"
Zelda folded her arms into her lap. She took a deep breath, about to sigh again, but she caught herself before she could let the breath out. Honestly, royalty such as herself shouldn't be so mopey! It was unbecoming of a Hylian princess! One must always put aside her emotions for the sake of her kingdom...
"Well, I..." she began. She really shouldn't be admitting her feelings so openly, she thought. "I..."
Samus really felt like sighing right now. "Come on, you're not Elsa. Spit it out."
Okay, so she didn't have magical ice powers, but Zelda did have that whole "conceal-don't-feel" thing going on. She took in a shaky breath and braced herself for feels...
...but nothing feels-related came out of her mouth. It would be better if she didn't give Samus something to worry about, she thought. She rested her cheek on the table and covered her face with her arms.
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it," she finally said.
"Zelda..."
She said nothing back. Samus tapped her fingers on the table, and there was an awkward silence.
There it was- that was what was bothering Zelda so much. The silence. It was suffocating her. It made her feel so- so lonely.
"C'mon, Zel. Cheer up."
Zelda did not cheer up and instead opted to mope some more.
She reflected on the silence (or, to put it more accurately, moped about it). It was quieter because Peach and Mr. Game & Watch weren't there. She missed having them around. She couldn't have tea parties without them- it just wasn't the same. The tea didn't have the flavor of friendship, or something cheesy like that.
"Hey, if we go to the party tonight, will you feel better?"
Zelda didn't look up. "A party?" she said, sounding uninterested.
"Yeah, a party. And we're gonna go to it and you're gonna feel better."
Zelda sighed, for the eighteenth time. "If it makes you happy-"
"NO!" WHAM! Samus brought her hands down on the table, hard. Zelda nearly jumped out of her seat at the noise.
"This isn't about me, Zelda. This is for you!"
She lowered herself back into the seat, but her words still carried the same intensity as before.
"Now, I don't know what your problem is, and if you don't want to tell me that's fine I guess. But you're depressed and if this party is going to make you happy, then dammit, we're gonna go!" She grabbed Zelda's hand and dragged her out of the cafeteria. "Now let's go pick out some girly dresses or something."
"Wha-?"
"Don't question it."
Zelda stumbled along with Samus, still a little shocked by her friend's outburst. "I don't understand!"
"You'll get it when we go to the party."
"Cease this immediately!"
"No."
"I- I-"
"Shoosh."
It finally dawned on Zelda that Samus, for all her usual indifference, was worried about her. She was genuinely worried about her, of all people!- and that even if she was kind of bossing her around... she really did want her to be happy. A warm, fuzzy felling welled inside her, and a gentle smile played on her lips- a real, genuine smile.
"Thank you, Samus," she murmured.
Samus looked down at the ground and dragged her friend along a little faster.
Meanwhile...
Mr. Game & Watch sat peacefully in his chair and observed his surroundings. There was an endless expanse of red that stretched on for miles and reached all the way to the jet-black horizon. From there, he could see clusters of stars shining in their multicolored glory. If he looked behind him, he would see a majestic ring of stones circling the scenery, and then behind that, he would see a line of gas giants of all different sizes and colors.
It was rather peaceful scenery, he thought. He set his cup of tea down on the classy wooden table.
"So, Peach," he began. "Is the tea enjoyable?"
Peach slouched in her own chair and poured herself another cup. "ayy lmao" she responded.
"That's good," said Mr. Game & Watch.
A crowd of aliens surrounded the two and began to dance to reggae music. Peach stood up and joined them, shaking her hips and flailing her arms in the air.
Mr. Game & Watch sat back and watched the aliens dancing, then looked back at the starry sky. He let out a happy 8-bit sigh.
Mars wasn't so bad, actually, when you didn't need to breathe in space.
It was a dark and dreary night. The streetlights cast a dim yellow light on the dusty streets and blocked out the moonlight- you know what, screw this. I'm not a famous author, not every word I write has to be like a Picasso masterpiece. Let's try this again.
It was a dark and dreary night, you know, like Halloween dreary. The moon was just a tiny sliver in the sky, the stars were barely there, only half the streetlights were working. And they lined each and every street, flickering like they were threatening to go out, casting a dim yellow light on the dusty roads.
Shulk, Ness, and Captain Falcon walked through the streets, searching for Blazit Lane. They crossed Smash Street, then Bomb-omb Boulevard, and finally Rainbow Road (not the racing stage because no, just NO. Let's not talk about it). Then they came across the seedier side of the Smash neighborhood.
The first of these seedy streets was Pi Circuit, where the math nerds lived. There was only one house there that seemed even remotely party-worthy, and even then the lawn was way overgrown, some of the windows were broken, and the paint on the door was faded and peeling.
Shulk and co. stared up at the neon sign tacked on to the house, which read, "EAT PIE PARTY HARD."
"...So I guess this is where the party is?" said Captain Falcon.
"Probably," said Ness.
"I think so," said Shulk. He took out a small strip of paper and examined it. "This is 420 Blazit Lane, right?"
Falcon checked the building number. "314..." He dashed over to the street sign. "314 Pi Circuit," he called.
Shulk shrugged. "Eh, close enough," he said, and knocked on the door twice.
After a few seconds, a little blonde boy wearing a teal suit and big glasses opened the door.
"Hello," Jeff said, all businesslike. "Are you here for the homework party?"
"Wait a second. Did you say... a homework party?"
"Yes, a homework party."
"Nerds," Shulk said, sticking out his tongue.
"Primitive swine," the boy retorted. He slammed the door closed.
Wow, rude, thought Shulk. All I did was call them nerds. He walked back to his friends and stated, "This isn't the place. They're a bunch of math nerds, they don't know how to party hard."
Ness nodded in agreement. He had seen Jeff answering the door, and he had had firsthand experience with nerd parties before. He stared off into the distance, triggering a flashback...
"This is stupid," said Ness, setting his pencil on the table. "A homework party? Really?"
"Homework parties aren't stupid," replied Jeff. He turned on the radio, and "White and Nerdy" came on.
"yOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS under pressure! yOU CAN'T DO SIMPLE MATHS under pressure!" chanted the math nerds.
They all pulled out giant stacks of paper and did simple maths under pressure. Then, they moved on to regular algebra under pressure. Then, they did pre-cal under pressure! All while chanting the same phrase. It was Ness' worst nightmare. He swore he could see the trippy, nightmarish backgrounds from the MOTHER games returning...
Oh, but that wasn't the worst of it. The nerds then pulled out... calculators! And graphing paper! They started to graph geometry shapes on the graph paper, while punching in complicated operations into their calculators.
Then it hit him. Ness realized that the nerds were actually studying!
Ness was scarred for life! 9999 HP of mortal damage to Ness!
Ness fainted...
Ness shook his head, ending the traumatic flashback, just as Captain Falcon asked, "Wanna try the next street?"
"No, wait a sec," replied Shulk. He cycled through his Monado Arts until he got the one he wanted- "SPEED!"- then he dashed off to the nearest convenience store, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Complete with a nyoom and terrible visual effects!
Ness pulled out a stopwatch. "One... two... three..."
Falcon knelt down and started scribbling in the dust with his finger.
Ness started tapping his foot. "Five... six... seven..."
Falcon proudly stepped back from his crappy drawing of the Blue Falcon. He looked back up at the street and saw a cloud of dust approaching at rapid speeds.
"Eight... nine..."
The cloud of dust flew straight at Falcon and Ness (still with terrible visual effects!) and overtook them completely, making them cough and hack. They were eating dust, literally. It did not taste good, making the two cough and hack even more. When the dust finally settled, there was Shulk standing in front of them, back from the toilet store with a bunch of toilet paper rolls.
"Ten seconds flat!" he said, grinning.
"Don't say it-" Ness groaned.
"Let's make these math nerds 20 percent cooler!"
Ness facepalmed. "Oh my god."
Shulk tossed Falcon and Ness fifteen rolls each (yeah, Shulk got quite a few rolls. Don't ask where he stored them). They all did that weird "we have a plan but we're not telling the audience" thing where they exchange meaningful glances and then nod. William Tell Overture started to play in the background.
"YOLOOOOO!" they all epically shouted, and then the toilet paper rolls flew forth.
The three memers stepped back from their awesome TP job. The math nerds' party building was covered in trails of toilet paper from top to bottom, and it had also been hit with a grand total of three raw eggs.
"Nerds," Captain Falcon repeated. He put his hands on his hips like an independent black woman who don't need no man. Ness nodded in agreement.
"Alright, now we can go to the next street," said Shulk. He walked off in the direction of Blazit Lane, counting the number of streetlights that were actually working. One, two, three, four... Ness and Falcon followed silently behind.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Ness asked, "Are you sure we're going to the right place this time?"
They stopped at a crosswalk. Shulk didn't even look both ways before walking across. Luckily, there were no cars out at that time of night.
"Yeah, I'm sure," he mumbled, and he waved Ness's question off. How many streetlights had he counted again? Uh, seven, eight, nine... Darn, Ness's question made him lose track.
Ness was about 75% sure that 420 Blazit Lane was not where the party was, but he decided to look both ways and then cross the street with Captain Falcon anyway.
But not without complaining, of course. "The flyers had the address," he mumbled.
As Ness and Falcon reached the other side, Shulk spread his arms out wide. "So, this is Blazit Lane," he announced. (This is completely unrelated, but he had counted a total of fifteen working streetlights. In reality, there were only eleven.)
"Yes!" shouted Captain Falcon.
The three of them walked down the street, looking for the right house. In the end, it was Ness who found it. "Look," he said, pointing at a worn-down wooden house.
Shulk walked up to the door and checked the house number. "Yep, that's 420." He knocked on the door twice.
After a few seconds, a short Mii with orange-red hair and catlike eyes opened the door.
"Hi, I'm Rena, are you here for the party?" she asked.
"Yeah."
Shulk peered past the Mii and into the house. He saw the living room full of Miis with bloodshot eyes. They were so high, they were literally floating off the ground. Shulk was now slightly concerned. He looked a little longer, and saw that one of the floating Miis was rather chubby, and had a gray beard. For some reason, he seemed awfully familiar...
Beat.
Shulk pointed at the bearded Mii and screamed, "OHMYGOD IS THAT SANTA CLAUS?!"
"Hm?" Rena turned around and saw the Mii, who was belting out the theme song to Dora the Explorer. "Oh. Yeah, guess so."
"BOOTS AND SUPER COOL EXPLORER DORA! HO HO HO, I'M THE MAP!" shouted Santa Claus.
"Uh... I-" Shulk stammered. "I am here for the party, but I- I think I came to the wrong one, heh heh... ha..." At this point, he was already out of the doorframe and inching his way down the steps. "Well, g'bye!" And he slammed the door closed and got the heck away from there.
Ness and Falcon walked up to him.
"Was that the wrong place too?" asked Falcon.
"Yep. They were literally high."
"What?"
"Like, they were floating-off-the-ground high. It was... weird."
"Oh."
There was a short awkward pause.
"Are you sure you wrote the right address down?" Ness asked, frustrated.
"I swear that was the address on the billboard!" Shulk replied, equally frustrated.
"I swear it wasn't. You could've just taken a flyer, you know."
"Flyers are for the weak." Shulk shook a fist at no one in particular. "The weak and the... the directionally challenged!"
"Which is why you should've taken a flyer," Ness mumbled under his breath.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."
"Shulk is directionally challenged," whispered Ness.
Shulk's eye twitched. "Seriously pretending I didn't hear that."
Captain Falcon looked nervously at Shulk, then at Ness, then back at Shulk, then back at Ness. There were actual sparks flying between them. Deciding to intervene before the sparks turned into lightning, he said, "Uh, so where else would the party be?"
"21 Jump Street," suggested Ness.
"No, it's dangerous there," Shulk said.
"This whole neighborhood is dangerous."
"Jump Street is especially dangerous, though," said Falcon. "I don't think Master Hand would throw a party where we could die."
The three of them stopped to think about it. Yeah, Master Hand probably wouldn't want them to die. It would totally cut into his profits, and then he'd never hear the end of it from the rabid fans.
"Maybe 33 Meme Street?" suggested Shulk.
"Doubt it, it's not safe for work," said Falcon. "9000 Power Drive?"
"I've heard that the people who live there blow up their houses with giant laser beams... on a daily basis."
"That's more dangerous than Jump Street!" protested Ness.
"But on Jump Street, the houses get blown up on a daily basis... and they have watch dogs with eye lasers."
Ness pouted. "Whatever. 413 Dunloseur Way?"
"No one's ever been able to find it," said Falcon.
"Hmm."
The memers put their hands to their chins and contemplated. Pi Circuit was the math nerds' party. Blazit Lane was the Miis'. Jump Street, Meme Street, Power Drive, and Dunloseur Way were all out of the question. They were running out of street suggestions, and fast. There was only one other place in the neighborhood where the party could be...
"...360 Noscope Street?" they all said at the same time.
"It's the only place left," said Shulk.
"I'm pretty sure it's safe," said Falcon.
Ness started walking in the direction of Noscope Street. "Then let's go already-"
"No, wait!" said Shulk. "Wanna TP these guys, too?"
Ness stopped and turned around. He paused for a second, and then smirked. He pulled out some extra rolls of toilet paper that he had somehow formed into a shotgun.
"Let's do it," he replied, tossing the toilet paper gun like he was cool.
Shulk and Falcon pulled out their own rolls, which they had made into different kinds of artillery.
"Yeah, let's do it," said Shulk. "Let's make these stoners 420 percent cooler!"
"God, Shulk. You're not a brony, stop it," muttered Ness.
"You guys..." said Falcon.
William Tell Overture started to play again.
"...YOLOOOOO!" they all epically shouted, and then the toilet paper rolls flew forth.
Zelda downed half of her seventeenth cup of highly questionable punch, and then poured the rest of it on her new dress. She was so drunk, her capitalization and punctuation were off. "hayyyy samus" she slurred. "heay. heaaaay shamus"
"Zelda, stop that. You're ruining your dress."
"guess what"
"What."
"cucco butt"
Samus sighed, knowing exactly where the joke was going.
"gues where"
"What."
"cucco hair."
"Yes, I get it."
"guess woaca"
"What."
"cucco cloaca"
Samus put her elbow on the table and rested her head on her hand. "This is the third time you've made that joke. Maybe you should tell it to someone else."
"you know whta,,,?, thats a grEAT idea!"
"I- I didn't actually mean-"
But Zelda had already gotten up and left. Samus sighed again, now that she was alone. Maybe she could answer the door or something. Her table was closest to the door, after all.
Ding-dong!
Samus went up to the door and opened it. "Oh, hey Shulk."
"Hey, Samus."
"You're kinda late."
"Yeah, I know."
From behind Shulk, Ness said, "This idiot here wrote down the wrong address."
"I swear, that was the address in the announcements!"
"You could've taken a flyer," said Samus.
"Yeah, I know that now."
Captain Falcon asked, "Can we go in now? It's getting cold outside."
Samus realized she was blocking the doorway, and stepped aside. "Oh- oh, yeah. Sure, come in."
The three memers walked into the room and looked around, wide-eyed. It was a crazy party, complete with disco ball! Rave lights! And last but not least, Smashers doing stupid things!
"Oh, and don't drink the punch," added Samus. "Someone spiked the punch."
"Got it," replied Shulk.
But Ness was already on the other side of the room, drinking a cup of punch. "Dude, this tastes so weird," he shouted.
"Don't drink it!" Samus shouted back. "It has alcohol!"
"Oh. Okay," said Ness. He glanced at the half-finished cup, then at Samus, then decided that he was a teenage rebel and he was going to finish the cup.
"You're a minor, that's illegal!" Samus shouted.
Ness threw the cup in the trash. "Meh."
There was a bout of loud, raucous laughter from Zelda and Bowser as she told him her "cucco cloaca" joke.
"If you drink too much, you're going to end up acting stupid like them," said Samus.
"I'm not gonna drink any more, geez. Tasted weird anyway." He walked off to the kidz corner, where Villager and Toon Link were playing some super-intense rock-paper-scissors.
Captain Falcon looked around and saw the Wii Fit Trainers, Luigi, and Mega Man twerking in another corner. "Dance party!" shouted Captain Falcon, dashing off to join them. "Show me your moves!"
Shulk and Samus were now left standing there, by themselves, in front of the door. They didn't talk to each other too much, they just stood there, awkwardly, next to the door.
"I like your dress," Shulk said.
"Uh, thanks," replied Samus.
There was an awkward silence.
"Uh, you can sit down," Samus finally said.
"Oh, yeah." Shulk sat down at the table, and Samus sat down across from him. "Well... this is awkward."
"Yeah."
Shulk decided to look around the room for memelords. There was Link, who was shooting arrows into the ceiling; Sonic, who was running around shouting "UR 2 SLO"; Ike and Marth, who were playing board games with Sheik and Greninja; Donkey and Diddy Kong, who were throwing things; Fox and Falco, who were hanging out and making really bad drunk jokes...
"ROFLCOPTERRRR"
...and Robin, who was trying to be a daredevil. He had dragged a ramp out from the closet and into the room, and he had a kiddy helmet on, lol-lerskates strapped to his boots, and an Elwind tome in each hand. "HEY U GAIZ LOOKIT ME" he shouted.
Everyone fell silent as all heads turned toward him (they were thinking it was some sort of hired entertainment). Then, a faint soi-soi-soi-soi noise. As the noise got louder and louder, the pages in the tomes started to flip wildly. Soi-soi-soi-soi-soi-sOI-SOI-SOI...
Robin crouched down and held his arms out behind him, Naruto-style. Time to fly. "TWEET TWEET, MOFOS" he shouted like the bada** he was-
Sakurai's furious (but still heavenly) face descended from the heavens and boomed, "Don't use language, narrator. Think of the kids!"
F*** the kids! This fic is rated T!
"What did I just say?!"
I don't give a f-
"If you keep using language like that... just remember, you're in the Smash universe too and I have power over you."
'S not like you've actually done anything.
Sakurai cleared his throat and the ground started to shake. The Smashers all ran down to the basement in order to avoid the sudden earthquake.
O-okay! Okay, fine.
The Smashers returned to the living room, situated themselves again, and then turned to Robin once more.
"TWEET TWEET, MOFOS!" With a loud SOI-SOI-SOI-SOI, Robin nyoomed up the ramp on his lol-lerskates.
As Robin launched off, everything went slow-mo and "I Believe I Can Fly" started to play. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of soaring gracefully through the air, like a real bird. Maybe now he could be a true robin, and join his kind like he was always meant to do. He spread his arms- no, wings- out wide...
...and promptly crashed into the ceiling. No explosions, though, because it looked really stupid and also he got stuck in the ceiling.
"uh, a little help here?" he said, his voice muffled from being stuck in the ceiling.
"Robin! What are you doing?!" a female voice yelled.
"cheep cheep"
"DON'T 'cheep cheep' YOUR SISTER, ROBIN!"
"sry"
Reflet, Robin's older sister, cleared a path to where Robin was stuck, taking a tipsy Palutena with her. Palutena burst into laughter upon seeing a pair of tactician legs in the ceiling. Reflet facepalmed.
"halp meh" cried Robin. He kicked his legs around, but nothing in the ceiling gave way. "pls?" he added.
Palutena giggled. "Are you having fun up there, biiird mannnn?" she teased.
"nO"
"But aren't you a bird?"
"i am! ...kinda sorta."
"Hee hee hee. Don't start trying to lay eggs on us, bird man."
"h-hey! i-" He was about to say that it was biologically impossible for male birds to lay eggs, but there were more pressing matters. "j-just get me down from here! please!"
"Come on, Palutena," demanded Reflet. "I don't want people laughing at my bro."
"Ooohh-kaaaayyy. Pit!"
The addressed angel burst out of the storage closet and ran to his goddess. "I've been waiting in the closet, just like you said- Lady Palutena, are you drunk?!"
"It doesn't matter, Pitty-poo."
Pit cringed at the weird nickname, but he did his best not to show it.
"Hey Pretty-Pit, Ribbon wants you to get bird man down from the ceiling."
"Bird man?"
"Ribbon without boobs."
"Ribbon without...?" He looked at the ceiling and saw Robin kicking his legs around. He assumed that was what Palutena was talking about. "...Uh, sure thing, Lady Palutena." He dashed up the stairs, taking them two at a time.
Cut to upstairs, where Robin's upper body was sticking out of the floor. He looked very distressed and embarrassed. When Pit finally got upstairs and was wheeled down next to him, he let out a sigh of relief.
"oh hey pit" he tried to say as casually as possible. It didn't work.
"Hey, Robin. Lady Palutena told me to get you out... somehow."
"thank"
"Are you ready?"
"i dont even care, just pls get me down"
Pit put his hands on Robin's shoulders. "Prepare yourself for extreme hurting?"
Robin made an audible gulping noise.
"And puuuush!"
"OHMYNAGA THAT HURTS"
"Sorry!"
"STOP"
"No! Otherwise you're going to be stuck here forever."
"oh"
"Alright, let's try this again. ...Puuuush! Push it reeaaal goood!"
"GYAH"
There was a clean POP as Robin suddenly fell from the ceiling and crashed into the ground.
"I did it, Lady Palutena!" Pit shouted, jumping down through the new hole in the ceiling. He returned to Palutena, and she patted him on the head.
"Good boy! I'll let you get an extra bowl of ice cream today."
"Squee! Being unhealthy is the best!"
They both left to get food, leaving the tacticians by themselves.
Reflet sighed as she brushed dust off her younger brother. "Quit being so stupid. You're not a bird." She flicked his forehead and made him flinch. "See, this is why you can't S-Support anyone."
Robin smiled sheepishly.
Master Hand burst into the living room and roared, "ALRIGHT, WHO BLEW A HOLE IN MY VACATION HOUSE?!"
Every Smasher froze at the sound of the voice, dropping whatever they were doing. Anyone who was drunk instantly sobered up; that was the power of Master Hand's ALL-CAPS RAGE!
Robin slowly raised a trembling hand up so Master Hand could see it.
"ROBIN?! DO NOT DESTROY MY PRIVATE PROPERTY! YOU'RE BANNED!" He did the finger walk toward Robin and then flicked him out of the house. Robin screamed like a little girl as he flew away... then he realized he was flying. He spread his arms out again while "I Believe I Can Fly" played faintly in the distance.
"Alright you guys, party's over, time to go back to the mansion," Master Hand said in his indoor voice. There was a collective "awww" from the Smashers, but they began to filter out of the room anyway.
Shulk stared after Robin, his jaw agape. He swore he was drooling a bit. Those were some juicy, delicious memes Robin had there, he thought, and he was going to get his hands on them, one way or another.
Captain Falcon returned to Shulk, with Ness following close behind. He looked at Shulk, then at where Robin had been flicked away, then back at Shulk.
"...Okay," Ness finally said, "so out of the fifty-three people in the mansion, you like the guy who thinks he's a bird?"
Shulk noticed he was actually drooling and wiped his face off. "Well, it could be worse," he replied. "I mean, the King of Evil is a total weeaboo. Also all the Pokemon. That would be kinda weird."
"Yeah, I guess."
With his suspicions satisfied, Ness walked out the door. Shulk and Falcon went out behind him. But unlike Ness suspected, Shulk wasn't really thinking about Robin in that way. Actually, Shulk had just made up his mind- he was going to challenge Robin to a D-D-DUEL!
...right after Robin got back from being banned.
As the three memers walked out with the last few Smashers, Shulk glanced back at the sign on the house. "PARTY HARD GET #REKT," it read.
Well, they did party hard, he thought. And the house did get regular wrecked.
He wanted to make the house #REKT, though. He looked at Ness and Falcon, who nodded meaningfully.
"20 percent cooler," he whispered, and then they all whipped out their toilet paper artillery-
"Captain Falcon. Ness. Shulk," threatened Master Hand, "do not make me ban you."
They TP'ed the house anyway (and subsequently were banned from the mansion).
Shulk's really going to challenge Robin next chapter because this one is sooper-dooper long. Nearly 5,000 words! Geez.
I used up part of my reserve of uncensored curses (three curses- think of the kids!), so it's either lose money to the swear jar or censor some curses.
...I don't want to lose money to the swear jar.