Another chapter! Finally. And it's a long chapter too, so hopefully it can tide you wonderful readers over for another month.
Actually, I'm surprised I've kept writing this fic for so long. This is like the single longest thing I have ever written. And there's (hopefully) still more to come. If I can keep up my motivation for this, that is.
8th- Greninja
7th- Lucario
6th- Mario
5th- Fox
4th- Marth
3rd- Meta Knight
2nd- Sheik
1st- Samus
Congratulations!
Shulk examined the results board pinned to the bulletin. Samus's name, and the "Congratulations!", were written in bold, sparkling cursive, and decorated with little bits of confetti. He furrowed his eyebrows.
I still don't get it. Why didn't she kill me that time...?
But he didn't let his mind linger too long on that. The Hunger Games arc had ended! It was time to start goofing off again with his friends, Ness and Captain Falcon! And more importantly, it was time to get back to the plot he seemed to have forgotten for five chapters- taking over all the memes and becoming Supreme Meme Overlord!
In fact, he was going to get back to taking over memes right now. He turned around, sprinted to the entrance of the mansion, and slammed the doors open dramatically.
"It's time to get me some delicious, nutritious breakfast cereal memes. Cue the montage!"
Sure thing. Here we go!
...Well, not quite yet.
Master Hand was minding his own business in his office, filling out paperwork while jamming out to 90s nostalgia tunes, when the fourth wall cracked behind him. Then another crack. Then it shattered completely. Slowly, he turned to face the abyss left behind from the now-broken window. There was a faint thundering coming from inside, and the noise was growing louder and louder.
If he had a face, the look on it now would have been one of pure horror.
Within the abyss, he could hear high-pitched squealing. Those squees could only belong to two things... pigs, or...
"...Fangirls," he whispered with dread. Yes, fangirls: not the in-universe Mii girls, but ones who seemed to have come from the "real world."
Master Hand tried to patch the wall back together, but alas, it was too late. Shulk and the author's slightly meta shenanigans had loosed an unstoppable force. The screaming girls flooded his office like a stampede of mad cows, and made their way into the mansion.
"So, you wanna go fast, huh?" Sonic said, crossing his tiny skinny peach-colored arms. "Well, if you wanna go fast, you have to beat me in a race first! Ready, Knucklehead?"
In ran the Sonic Boom version of Knuckles, holding a gun. "Hey, I'm not a knucklehead!" he said. "I'm a knuckle-hand!"
"Whoa whoa whoa is that a gun," said Shulk, pointing at Knuckles's gun.
"Oh, don't worry. It's a blank! Y'know, like the ones they use in all the races."
"C'mon, knuckle-hand. Shoot the gun already," Sonic said.
"Alright. Ready..." Knuckles pointed his gun up to the sky. "GO!" He shot the gun, and Sonic and Shulk sprinted off.
Knuckles was left to eat their dust. As he was watching them run off, a bird fell down from the sky and went SPLAT on the pavement. Knuckles looked at his gun and winced.
"It wasn't a blank..." he murmured.
Cut to Sonic and Shulk racing neck to neck. Sonic was slowly accelerating ahead of Shulk.
"Tch... I won't lose. Monado Speed!" Shulk shouted. He easily caught up to Sonic and surpassed him. Sonic actually slowed down in shock.
"N-no way! I'm the fastest thing alive!"
"But my Monado Arts are faster. Hoho!" As Shulk ran, he taunted, "I'm really feeling it!"
Sonic's face twisted into an angry scowl.
That taunt Shulk did made him McFreakin' LOSE IT (TM).
"Oh, is that how you wanna play it? Well, too bad! No more playing around!" He clenched his fists and shouted "YOU'RE TOO SLOW!"
Suddenly, Sonic was enveloped by a bright light, and a grating rendition of "Green Hill Zone" with ridiculous amounts of distortion began to play. Shulk had to cover his eyes with his arm. He tried to cover his ears, too, but he only had one hand free.
As Shulk let his arm down, he noticed that Sonic's appearance had drastically changed. He now resembled a first-grader's purposely poor attempt at a drawing in MS Paint. This was no ordinary blue hedgehog. This was Sonic's meme form, SANIC HEGEHOG!
"Gotta go fast!" he shouted in a distorted voice.
And with that, Sanic accelerated to ever higher velocities, surpassing Shulk in a matter of milliseconds. He was going so fast he created multiple sonic booms in his wake. He broke Mach 1, then Mach 2, then Mach 3...
Shulk stopped running, as his Monado Art had deactivated. Without it, there was no way to catch up to Sanic. All he could do now was reach out to him and hope he listened. "Sanic, don't! You don't have to go this fast!" he shouted.
But Sanic would not listen. Mach 7, Mach 10, Mach 13… He was going so fast that the sonic booms created from his XTREME SPEED began tearing down buildings. "I AM THE FASTERAST THUNG ALEVE!1 THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!1 ONE!1! I WON't LET NOONE CHAGNE THAT!"
"Please! You're going too fast!"
Mach 17, Mach 18, Mach 19- And then, for some reason, he stopped accelerating. Sanic found that he couldn't go any faster than Mach 19. At least, not in this form...
Sanic slowed down and winded to a stop. Shulk let out a breath he didn't know he was holding-
"CUM ON STEP IT UP!"
-but Shulk had relaxed too soon. Seven colored objects that vaguely resembled jewels appeared out of nowhere and spun around Sanic. Harnessing the power of the Cahos Emeroolds, he transformed into SOOPER SANIC!1!
Mach 20, Mach 25, Mach 30… The sonic booms were tearing up the ground and causing a minor earthquake. But Sooper Sanic would not stop accelerating. "THRES NO SUCH THING AS 'TOO FAS"T!1!"
"I'm being serious! Go any faster than that and you'll- you'll reach escape velocity! You'll fly off the face of the earth!"
"TIEM TO TRULLY ESCEAPE FROM TEH CITY~1!~!"
Mach 31… Mach 32… Mach… THIRTY-THREE!
Sanic had reached escape velocity! With a huge BOOM, he launched up, up, and away into the atmosphere. He went so fast, he literally flew into the Sun and was burnt to a crisp. He was dead, just like his franchise. Goodnight, sweet prince; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
An orb of blue light floated down from the sky, and it landed right in front of Shulk. He picked it up.
You got Sonic's meme! the mysterious voice said. Now you have the ability to go faster than ever before. Your Monado Speed Art lasts longer and makes you go way faster!
"Noice!"
But don't go too fast, though. You might end up flying up, up and away and seriously not coming back.
"Oh."
You also obtained Sonic's taunt. Infuriate your enemies with the ever-famous "You're too slow!"
Shulk was actually pretty hyped about getting a taunt. Just like Smashing was SERIOUS BUSINESS, taunts were an art form.
"Aw yis," he said.
"Oh no," said Ike. "No no no no no."
Whoa! A horde of fangirls appeared!
What will Ike do?
Fight Convoy Pokemon RUN
Ike tried to run!
...Ike was unable to escape!
"Ikey-chaaaaaan! Please sign my left boob!" screamed one of the fangirls, flashing her bra at him.
"No thank you," he replied as calmly as possible. He didn't sound calm at all, considering how a horde of wild fangirls was approaching him at critical speed. Slowly, he tried to back away, but...
"Tracy, you get his left leg! Fanning, you get his right! Connor, get his arms!"
Fangirls used Bind!
"Hey! Let go!"
Ike used Struggle!
He fought and kicked against their grip, but it was no use. When the fangirls set their sights on spicy swordsman Ike, their strength was multiplied a thousandfold. And his resistance only made their grip harder.
"Dear gods, help me," he cried. In another universe with a better grip on reality, he might have been able to break free from the girls' (and guy's) grip. But this is a story where everyone acts out of character and defies logic for the sake of humor.
In other words, they had gotten him.
"Hoo... hah!"
Down throw, up air. Shulk was sent flying off screen at 100%. Before he was KO'd though, he shouted, "Hey! No hoohah-ing, that's cheating!" Then he hit the TV screen and slid down.
In response, Diddy Kong just did his up taunt.
"Didn't you say this was an unrestricted battle between memes?" Donkey Kong said. "So we can do what we want!"
"Yeah, but that was supposed to work to my advantage!"
As Shulk came back to the stage on the floating platform, he grumbled about overrated top-tier fighters.
"I'll show you!" he shouted, dropping down onto the stage. "Monado... Buster!"
"You think you can beat the DK Crew? Hah!" DK said. He charged at Shulk, and they began their fight again. For a few moments, it seemed like Shulk was going to lose his last stock within the minute- but he had other plans.
"Oh, but I have a trick up my sleeve! ...Time to tip the scales!" he said in an echoey voice. His body inexplicably began to glow with the light of plot convenience. Somehow, his strength and speed had increased.
"What is this strange new power?" DK said. "Well, it doesn't matter. My final move will blow your stocks off!" He got into a crouching stance and strained like he was constipated.
"Super Xtreme... Coconut Gun Cream Pie Shower... EXPAAAAND DOOONG!"
Donkey Kong fired a giant white laser from his area down south- but Shulk dodged it just in time! He got in a few combos on the Kongs with his Buster Art still activated. Then, he switched to Monado Smash and sent them flying off screen.
"GAME!" shouted the announcer. "And the winner is..."
"I got through that pretty good!" Shulk said, striking a pose.
"...Shulk!"
As Donkey and Diddy Kong clapped on the side of the screen, an orb materialized in front of them and came floating over to Shulk. He picked the orb up, only to hear the voice in his head belting out the DK Rap.
He has no style, he has no grace. This Kong has a funny face! He can stand on his hands when he needs to, and st-
"Hello?"
Is it me you're looking for?
"Yep."
I can see it in your eyes. Alright, cool, cool. ...You got Donkey and Diddy Kong's memes! Now you, too, can expand dong. Shoot laser beams out of your crotch (but please, keep it safe for work!).
You also got the Hoo-hah combo! Down throw/up air your enemies into oblivion! Don't spam it, though. You might get nerfed.
"Nice!" Shulk said. And he ran off, hoping to conquer one last memelord before the chapter ended.
"Hey guys, you know what I'm really feeling today?"
"What?"
"I wanna go to a fine coffee establishment and spend way too much money."
"Okay."
"Oh, cool!" said Captain Falcon. "I wanted to show you guys my new ride anyway."
"Wait, what? You gave up the Blue Falcon?"
"Heck no! I just got another car. Here, follow me." He stood up and walked into the doorway, motioning with his hand. Shulk and Ness got up and followed him.
They walked out of the lounge room, out and around to the back of the mansion, and into the garage. Falcon stopped in front of a car, but it was dark inside, so Shulk and Ness could only see a silhouette.
Then, a spotlight came on and lit up the garage. Ride of the Valkyries began to play in the background.
"That's..." began Ness.
"...The Magic School Bus?!" finished Shulk.
"Yup!"
"But how did you get it?"
"Ms. Frizzle had a backup Magic Hyundai." Falcon nodded enthusiastically. "Anyway, what are you waiting for? Let's get messy!"
They all got into the bus and saw a young boy of Hispanic origin sitting in the back seat.
"Uh, who's that again?"
"Carlos. He came with the bus," said Falcon, acting as if this whole thing was completely normal. "Don't tell him anything that could be turned into a pun, he makes terrible jokes."
"I guess I can just tell when a pun's good!" said Carlos.
"CAAARLOS!" they all shouted. With that gag aside, Falcon started the car and they did their weird little musical number thing.
"My Little Pony, My Little Pony, what will today's adventure be?" They were singing the old My Little Pony song because they were hipsters who liked MLP before G4. Besides, the old My Little Pony was way better.
3... 2... 1... BLAST OFF!
Captain Falcon slowly backed out of the garage and drove like a normal person to their establishment of choice, the Cosmic Dollar. The Cosmic Dollar was a good place to pop some cash (but not if you only had twenty dollars in your pocket). One needs a bit of class when attending a fine coffee establishment that's even more overpriced than Starbucks, after all.
That didn't stop them from belting out "WHAT IS LOVE?!", though.
"Hey, Shulk?" began Captain Falcon as they walked into the coffee shop. "I'm gonna have to leave after I get my drink. Got a party to go to tonight. Hulu and relaxation."
"Oh, sounds cool! Can I come?"
"Sorry, man. I don't think they're letting anyone else in."
"Oh."
"I gotta leave, too," added Ness. "Lucas is coming today so I wanted to do a little something for him, too. ...Just me and him. Sorry."
"Okay."
Shulk said that, but he felt a little disappointed. It seemed like everyone was going to a party today, and he wasn't invited. And they both had to leave on the day he got to hang out with them, fot the first time in forever.
"Excuse me sirs. Are you ready to order?" asked the cashier. Shulk broke out of his reverie and fell in line behind Ness and Falcon.
A beautiful young man with beautiful blue hair took their order, except the cap on his head made him look even more feminine than he already seemed. Thank goodness his voice sounded like a young man, or else I would have to make an "it's a trap" joke.
"Super ultra Mocha latte FrappuCappucino with a dash of pumpkin mega espresso chocolate chip cookie Blizzard supreme... deluxe?" the cashier asked. "That would be 8799 gold coins."
Ness winced for a split second- then he remembered his dad's credit card. He took the card out of his backpack and handed it to the cashier.
"Thank you." Ness left the line, then Falcon went up to the front.
"Can I get a large mocha, decaf?"
"Yes, sir. That's 3999."
Falcon handed the money to the cashier, then walked over to the side with Ness. Not soon after, they had their drinks.
"See you, Shulk," they both said, and then they left the Cosmic Dollar and went their separate ways. Shulk walked to the register, feeling a little lonely.
"Hello, sir. How may I help you?"
"Can I get a shot of espresso with some extra whipped cream, hold the penguins? And a cheeky Nando's?"
"Of course, sir. That would be 8999 gold coins."
"...8999?"
"Yes, sir."
Shulk slammed his hands down on the counter. The shop became significantly more quiet.
"It doesn't cost enough," he growled.
"Sir, I don't think I understand."
"This is supposed to be a fine coffee establishment, right? Right?!"
"Uh, yes sir."
"Then it should cost more than that!"
"Sir, I thought you wouldn't want to spend more on coffee..."
"This is supposed to be better than Starbucks, right! Starbucks coffee costs 9000 gold coins! This should cost over 9000!"
"Um, sir, if it makes you that angry, then you could always leave a tip."
"You just don't get it, do you. It doesn't really cost over 9000 that way."
"Sir, please." The cashier looked nervously behind Shulk. "There's a line."
"I will not back down until you raise the price!"
"Our prices were carefully chosen to reflect the quality of our coffee while balancing affordability for customers. Raising the price would compromise that balance, sir." He looked behind Shulk again. The line had gotten longer.
"You lost me at 'our'. Now make me pay over 9000!"
"Sir, it doesn't work that way! Please pay for your coffee and leave already!"
"Fight me!"
"Now would not be the best time... J-just pay already! 8999! Other people want to get coffee too, you know!"
Shulk pulled the Monado off his back. "FIGHT ME!"
"Someone, help! This man is harassing me!"
There was a cold blast of air as the doors to the Cosmic Dollar slammed open. All heads snapped round to look at the entrance in surprise.
Standing in the doorway was another blue-haired man. His clothes were torn, showing off his ripped biceps and impressive man boobs, or moobs. He had a chicken leg in one hand and a giant sword in the other. He looked between his chicken and sword for a bit, then pointed his chicken leg toward Shulk.
"So I heard you were harassing my friend," Ike said.
"Yeah. You gonna do something about it?"
" 'Course." Ike took a big bite out of his chicken leg and pointed it at Shulk again. "Quit trying to get Marth to raise the price."
"No. I will not rest until the Cosmic Dollar is more expensive than Starbucks!"
"If you want something more expensive, buy something more expensive, you dolt!"
"Never! Not until you beat me in a match!"
"Is that how it is?"
Shulk nodded.
"Well then. Marth, hold my chicken." He tossed his chicken to the cashier, and the cashier caught it.
"Make him bite the dust, friend. I have your chicken," Marth said.
"I am Ike, minor memelord and master of c-ca-mayo... Camera... Derriere... Camaraderie! Yeah, that word. And I will not let you continue to threaten my friend like that!"
"I'm Shulk, future Supreme Meme Overlord, and I'm really feeling it!" Shulk got into a fighting stance with his Monado. "I challenge you to a d-d-dduel!"
They charged for each other, weapons at the ready.
The battle seemed pretty evenly matched. Ike's swings were powerful, but slow. Shulk without his Monado Speed was just fast enough to avoid getting hit. He would try to counter Ike with a combo, but he just blocked the strikes with his Ragnell. Surprising, considering how long it took Ike to swing.
Shulk and Ike swung at the same time. Sparks flew as their swords clashed together.
"You're pretty good for a newcomer," Ike managed through gritted teeth. The swords broke contact and then clashed again.
"For a veteran, you're not as good as I thought." Shulk replied.
"Are you trying to insult me?"
"Oh, of course not." Shulk grinned.
"Well, YOU'RE INSULTING ME!"
Ike broke contact to use a Smash attack. Shulk countered, but the follow-up attack was too slow. Ike took advantage and threw his neutral punch, making Shulk spin back.
They stood at opposite sides of the shop again, each waiting for the other to make a move.
"Trying to play mind games now?" Ike said. "Getting overconfident, aren't we?"
"Don't think you've won just 'cause you punched me once!" And they charged again. Sword clashed with sword again and again, and they were still evenly matched.
However, as the fight wore on, they grew tired, Ike moreso than Shulk. His sword was too heavy to keep fighting forever. Finally, Shulk was able to hit him without Ragnell in the way, and Ike was swinging even slower than before.
"I... can't..." Ike breathed. Suddenly-
"Minna, miteite kure!" cried the voice of a beautiful bishonen.
All heads turned toward Marth, who had taken his work clothes off.
He now had on a bright pink leotard with blue polka dots, a frilly orange tutu, green and red-striped tights, and teal pointe shoes. It was the most outlandish outfit Shulk had ever seen, and he couldn't take his eyes off it.
"Sekai de ichiban ouji-sama, sou iu atsukai kokoroeteeee..." Marth sang as he leaped gracefully around, doing the occasional twirl and hollering. "...Yo ne!" As he finished, he did a bow. Marth's attention-grabbing mating dance was over.
"...Surprise! HYAH!"
"Gah!" Shulk got blown away by Ike's charged neutral-B. As he recovered, Ike charged at him again, this time with renewed strength, and they swung swords at each other again. Shulk retreated into his mind.
I don't want to fight anymore, he thought. He was tired of this already. This section was stretching on and on and he just wanted to go back to the mansion and hang out with his friends again... The frustration he was feeling suddenly came to an exploding point.
"Time to tip the scales!" he shouted.
On hearing those words, Ike's eyes went wide.
T-that's Robin's...!
There was no more time to think. Shulk activated Monado Smash, and with one mighty swing of his sword, launched Ike directly into the wall. But the other swordsman emerged from the cloud of smoke, still swinging. Shulk knocked Ike down once more, just for good measure.
Shulk's clothes were torn, but Ike was even more torn up. His shirt was completely gone, there was dirt all over his pants, his face was drenched in sweat. It was rather easy to see who was winning the battle. But Ike refused to surrender. Yelling "FOR MY FRIENDS!", he made one last charge at Shulk.
"A vision..." Shulk easily countered. "I see it!"
"Gyaah!" Ike slammed into the wall again and slid down.
"Do you give up?"
"...Yeah, you win." Ike looked up at Shulk. "For a minor memelord, you sure are strong..."
"Actually, I thought you would be a lot stronger. With the power of friendship and all."
"Huh. Maybe I wasn't truly fighting for my friends, then. Was I perhaps... doing it for myself?" He looked up at the ceiling introspectively. "I suppose you can have this, then... I don't deserve it anymore."
Ike lifted his arm toward the ceiling, and an orb of light materialized in his limp hand. He tossed the orb at Shulk and he caught it.
You got Ike's meme! said the voice in Shulk's head. Now you can defeat your enemies by fighting for your friends (as if you didn't do that already...)! You reached support rank C with Captain Falcon and Ness, and your support levels with everyone will rise faster.
"Oh. Nice!"
"I'm glad you like it," Ike said, thinking Shulk was talking to him. Then his outstretched arm fell limp to the ground, and his eyes glazed over as if he was trying to go into the light.
Marth rushed over to his friend's side. "No, friend! Don't go into the light!"
"But I've been so selfish all this time... I've lost the power of friendship. I guess this is my punishment..."
"Ike, please don't go!"
"My time is now, Marth. I'm afraid I must go..." And he closed his eyes, as a piano in the background began to play the sad violin song.
Marth let out a choked sob. "Ike!" He threw himself over the buff man's dead body and let his sparkly bishie tears out.
"I... I never got to tell you... I- I..."
Even Shulk felt tears welling in his eyes, and he was the one who killed him. "I'm sorry..." he murmured.
"...I never actually returned your VHS tapes to Brickbuster. That's why... we had to pay so much money that day..."
And in the background, sappy violins joined the line piano and the music swelled. Everyone in the ruined coffee shop simultaneously burst into tears.
Zoom out to a view of the outside of the Cosmic Dollar, with the sunset on the city's horizon, as the camera fades to black.
We're getting a little depressing here in Supreme Meme Overlord (SMOL). Shulk may have defeated three memers in a row, but two brave men died today.
...Or did they?
"I... I never got to tell you... I- I..."
A single sparkly tear fell from Marth's face, and dripped onto Ike's chest.
"...I love you."
For a moment, there was silence. Then a dim light. Marth didn't see it at first, but it was emanating from Ike's chest. The light grew brighter and brighter, spreading from Ike's chest up to his head and down to the tips of his toes, and grew so bright it lit all four corners of the room. Then, all of a sudden, the light vanished.
Marth watched his friend's face intently, hoping for some sort of sign. That tear couldn't have lit up the room like Tangled unless something happened. But the body didn't move.
Then his eyes fluttered open.
"...Did you... say something?" Ike mumbled. "Didn't really... catch it the first time..."
"I love you, Ike. I love you."
"...And I love you as well. Ah- um... No homo..." Ike looked away, feeling a little embarrassed.
"Now kiss!" some random crowd extra said.
Marth cupped his hands around Ike's face. "May I?"
Ike nodded.
And then they kissed.
Ike may have lost the power of friendship, but Marth gave him the power of love.
...Sorry, I couldn't resist.