Hello my darlings! Here's chapter 15, hope you like it :) I wish to thank everyone who reviewed last chapter, I was very glad to send you the snippet for this chapter. I didn't get much reviews so they were even more meaningful for me. So, even if I was a bit depressed, I decided to post this chapter early. I do want to accelerate the pace as I have millions of other ideas needing to be written going in my head but, I wish to finish this first. Anyhow, thanks to all who review, favorite and follow this. I'll make the best of my efforts to finish it, even if I end up with zero review at the end :( So if you care to cheer me up, please review :) And well, no foot note question today, didn't really feel like it, sorry for those who enjoy it.
Disclaimer : Don't own a thing... C.C. is our queen.
Chapter 15 : Cold War
Magnus didn't want to meet Alec's pitying glance in the mirror. He had had enough pity for ten lifetimes. He hated it. This was one of the main reason he never mentioned his past. This and the fact that it meant too much, implied too much trust that he didn't like to give. He learned early in his life to don't trust easily. But... this was Alec.
The warlock sighed deeply, closed his eyes for a few seconds and opened them again, finally meeting the startling blue orbs, that were full of... compassion? Of course, it was so Alec. Magnus was a whirlwind of emotions, he was still angry but softened by Alec's gentle gaze lingering on him now. He was also dealing with the remnants of his guilt from last night; obviously Alec didn't remember the odd way he felt asleep and Magnus was fighting with himself about telling his lover what he had done or not. This was all very confusing. Most of all, he was very frustrated. Through all these overwhelming emotions, the very winning one was his aching need to have Alec right now. He wanted to feel the shadowhunter skin under his fingertips, get lost in him while he screamed his pleasure, hear all of those lovely sounds that would let Magnus know it was still good and well between them, that in some way, Alec did belong to him. But this would definitely not happen at the moment and Magnus could barely contain himself from screaming his disappointment. Who cared if Jace heard them? He knew about them already! But of course, Alec would most certainly have none of that... Why did the blue-eyed boy had to look so delicious today? It was nerve-wrecking... and sent him in an even more angry state. This wheel had no end.
He was about to finish his make-up when Alec came closer to him. He was about to rest a hand on Magnus's shoulders but contained himself to do so. His shadowhunter sighed softly and crossed Magnus's gaze in the mirror. The warlock felt breathless, Alec always had this way of turning him putty with the lightlest of effort. He was already swooning when the swell inside his chest exploded abruptly.
- "Magnus..." Alec started to say hesitantly, obviously wishing to bring back the hated subject of his lack of childhood but, Magnus cut him short.
- "If you are about to say you're sorry, Alexander, please don't. This is not your fault. As I said, I doubt you want to hear about my sad sob-story and I have no deep interest in doing so either. Just let it go. I'm fine. It's been a long time." Magnus said firmly if not a bit harshly.
His beautiful lover looked at him thoughtfully for a second, as if to decide if he should pry or not. Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion and spoke lightly, teasingly.
- "Well, if you want we can choose your own birthday, whatever date you want! This way I can cover you in gifts and give you everything you want through this whole day, just for you." His boyfriend said, eyes sparkling, somewhat happy to have found a solution to bring back Magnus's smile.
Although, Magnus felt overwelmed. This was way too emotional. He hadn't cried in centuries and within the short span of time he had known Alec, he was always on the verge of being submerged by his emotions. His heart raced and his mind sang, elated that this caring blue-eyed angel wished to erase years of awful memories by simply offering him what nobody else thought of doing before. His voice was a little choked when he replied and if his eyes were shining, he hoped Alec would believed it to be hapiness.
- "I just want you Alexander. Any day... everyday." Magnus said softly and he enjoyed the pinky blush and goofy smile that invaded Alec's features.
- "Anytime." Alec answered shyly but with a lust gleam in his eyes.
Their eyes lingered into each other and Magnus thought that maybe, maybe, this wouldn't be a spoiled day. He took his chance and stood up, never leaving Alec's eyes except for the brief moment he turned around. The warlock walked slithly, as gracefully as a cat, toward his lover who was hypnotised, unmoving, watching his approach. Alec caught his breath back just as Magnus stole it from him, conquering his lips with frustrated hunger. They both moaned loudly in each other's mouth, briefly relieved of the hovering passion between them. Soon enough, they were ravenous, devouring mouths that told about their demanding needs. Their hands roamed over their bodies and Magnus pushed Alec gently backward, guiding him to his bed. He didn't know by what miracle Alec would let him touch him so intimately with Jace just beside them but he didn't questionned it, he just enjoyed his luck.
Alec fell backward on the yellow comforter only to move back quickly in the center of the bed, boots kicked out, and his yearning eyes invited Magnus to join him, which he did. The taller man caressed the sides of the shadowhunter, teasing the young man with feather-light touches. Alec moaned and begged him for more, to come closer, to touch him and let him feel all of him. Magnus's mind had definitely gone to the gutter for good, not caring about anything; not Jace, not their argument, not the annoyingly persisting questionning of his boyfriend, not their relationship that seemed to fringe at the edges and most of all, not the fact that he should be the respectful one and remind Alec of their precarious situation, knowing his lover would be utterly uncomfortable if he could only be reminded of where they were at the moment and whom was there with them also. But Magnus didn't care. He needed Alec and he didn't want nothing to stand in his way.
He had succeeded in removing both their shirts and had moved on to lift Alec's legs around his waist, grinding their bodies together delightfully, when a loud complaint from his lover spoiled it all... Why oh why, did he forgot the soundproof spell?
Not a second after, Jace was smashing loudly at the connecting wall and screaming at the top of his lungs.
- "Hey! I don't mind you being gay Alec and dating a sparkly warlock but I draw the limit at hearing you being screwed! Keep it down, would you? That's so not cool! Even more that I'm all alone by myself here!" The golden shadowhunter yelled to then mumble something that sounded like this: "Selfish bastards... so unfair."
Magnus's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes in utter defeat. He could barely count to five that Alec was already up on his feet, dressed, face burning red, panicking and muttering desperatly.
- "By the Angel! Oh my... How... how could you! You knew... FUCK!" Alec said angrily, unable to express himself and finally releasing his tension by clutching wildly on his black locks. "YOU!... you and your... mind-blowing... sex! You're making me act like... like a ... SLUT!" Alec said, eyes fiery, burning holes through Magnus's face, who was remote and cold. "I HATE YOU!" Alec finished childlishly.
Magnus didn't say anything, didn't show anything. He was too hurt and he couldn't quite handle Alec's reaction. It was a nightmare all over again. How could it be that enjoying making-out with your boyfriend could be considered slutty? He was growing desperate of Alec's hatred and discomfort toward their intimacy, toward their relationship really. It felt like his heart kept breaking everyday, little by little, small cracks widening with every blow, every dismissal, every panick attack... He didn't know how long he could last.
Alec's pov
As soon as the words left his mouth, Alec regretted them. He was proud of the fact he never lied, even though it was his own incapacity in doing so that defined this inherent trait of his personnality. He didn't hate Magnus, he loved him... so much it blinded him, confused him. Ever since he had met the warlock, his life had went downhill, or so he believed. He had started to lie, to hide, to escape what truly made him feel happy; being with Magnus. But, what Alec had learned to despise the most about himself, through this short time, is that he was a coward. It hadn't really bother him before; so what if he wasn't reckless like Jace or fearless as his beloved sister, he was there to protect them and that's all that had mattered for 18 years of his life. Now, he hated the deep fear that coursed through him, it was the bane of his existence. It made Magnus unhappy and, by association, it made him unhappy too.
He dared to look at his lover and his heart sank when he saw Magnus's closed-off expression. He looked so remote and Alec didn't know how to reach him. He had stopped muttering savagely a few moments ago and the warlock was still quiet. Alec tried to move closer to his boyfriend but Magnus didn't give him a chance; he stood up, dressed back and walked out of the room, cold and proud.
Alec stared after him, a big lump lodged in his throat. He didn't know how long he stayed there, contemplating the mess he had made, the complete disgust he felt for himself but he was lost to it, blank and empty without Magnus's arms around him. He slowly moved out of his frozen state and sighed deeply. He looked at the alarm clock and did a double-take when he saw that it was noon already.
Shoulders hunched, the shadowhunter moved toward the living-room, finding it empty, to then listen to voices coming from the kitchen. Magnus... his heart clenched. And Jace, not that he cared at the moment. He gathered the few shred of his courage and shuffled toward the bright kitchen, to find his golden brother and his beloved Magnus sitting at the counter and eating some Taki's takeout.
Intimidated, Alec sat quietly at the counter himself, not exactly aside Magnus, even if he wanted to, and not too far from Jace, so his brother wouldn't get suspicious. As soon as he thought that, Alec got angry with himself. How stupid of him, Jace already knew, how could he still be willing to fake something that was not? He was dating the warlock and they did indeed had mind-blowing sex regularly, why was it so hard to say so or why couldn't he stop avoiding the restless need he had to be close to his lover?
To make matters worse, both men didn't spoke a word to him, as if they had agreed he was now a pariah, until he acknowledged what they all knew already. Magnus had pushed toward him a plate, his favorite meal from Taki's as he soon realized when he opened it. Through it all, that's what got Alec feeling the worst... the fact that Magnus had still cared for him, tried to please him even if he was being a total asshole.
He ate in complete silence, listening to the men talk here and then, still feeling run-down and defeated by his own cowardice. He was so lost in thoughts that he barely noticed when Jace left the room, back to the den, to watch some reruns of tv reality or to call Clary repeteadly, who knew. He did indeed felt Magnus's gaze lingering on him, appraising and inquiring. Alec felt completely ashamed. How was it possible for Magnus to still care about how Alec felt at the moment? It was beyond his comprehension. Before the warlock said anything, he rushed through the words that had struggled him for the last hours.
- "Magnus... I'm sorry. I don't hate you." He murmured, eyes glued to the countertop. "I just panicked... I've been hiding for so long, I just don't know how to... be myself. It feels really strange to me." Alec gasped, trying to choke down his emotion. "And you deserve so much more than that, I don't even know how you can bear to be with me. I'm so pathetic." He finished, in a small voice, and near tears, thinking that Magnus certainly wouldn't tolerate his behavior any longer.
Magns sighed, sounding exhausted, and Alec couldn't help but spare a glance at his lover. The warlock looked so sad, it twisted Alec's guts painfully. He was about to comfort the sparkly man when Magnus spoke up.
- "Alec... we both have our faults. And stop saying I deserve better, as you pointed so cleverly, you don't know much about me and I can assure you I'm far from spotless and even less angelic. That would be your title." He said, a corner of his mouth quirking feebly at his bad joke. "I won't tell you that it isn't hard for me because I would be lying. You had told me from the start that you didn't want to come out yet, that you needed my help in doing so and... I'm afraid I've only been pressuring you, which is far from being helpful." Magnus's gaze then intensified and his thumb and pointer finger came to grasp Alec's chin, lifting it up so their eyes locked together. "But I want you to think about this Alexander; if there's one person who's more than worthy of my affection, really I should be the one begging for you to look my way, and who should definitely not be ashamed of being his true self, that would be you, Alec Lightwood. You are a wonderful being and you should be proud of it." Magnus ended, his tone filled with so much meaning and seriousness that Alec couldn't say a word.
His warlock smiled playfully, as if he had had enough of their heavy feelings, although there was a small uneasiness in the depht of his gold-green orbs.
- "And you know, I must say I should be ashamed myself. I haven't been really welcoming of your inquiries and you shall understand that it's a frisky subject for me. I don't speak about myself, Alec. As I said, my life hasn't been so kind and I don't like to wallow in self-pity and allow even less other's commiseration." Magnus then averted his gaze a little bit, as he was reluctant to speak. "And well... maybe then you can understand that I cutted your inquiries short yesterday night by..." Magnus hesitated as he saw Alec start and then dreaded the shadowhunter's now calculating gaze, as if he remembered the night's odd proceedings. "Hum... I cast a sleeping spell on you. I wasn't ready to talk and you wouldn't listen... So you see, I'm sorry too. We both have flaws it seems." The warlock said, a forced smiled stretching his lips, scared of his boyfriend's reaction.
Alec stayed quiet for an incredibly long amount of time, or so it seemed to Magnus. He was near biting his nails when his lover finally spoke up.
- "You did what?" Alec said but didn't let Magnus answer. "Why would you do that? Don't you trust me at all? Why wouldn't you want to share your pain with me, I'm here for you, why can't you see that?" Alec started speaking louder, getting offended and hurt by Magnus's sneaky way of avoiding him.
The shadowhunter had stood up and was now staring down his boyfriend, flaming in anger. Magnus tried to talk again but Alec was on a spree and he kept going.
- "And you expect me to come out to my family, to risk my life as a shadowhunter, to maybe be stripped of my marks, to be with you? You, who can't even allow me to know a single detail of your previous life? You, who have so much trust issues that you have to knock me down to make sure I don't question you?" Alec was working himself up, all his fears and frustrations pouring out of him in all the wrong ways but he couldn't stop himself, even when his breath caught at Magnus's crestfallen face. "What am I really to you Magnus, some amusement for a brief amount of time? Do you find your kick in pushing me toward the edge to watch me fall and not catch me at the end of the way? What kind of sick relation are you expecting from me?" Alec choke down at last, tears pooling in his eyes. He would not let Magnus see him cry. He ran away to the living room.
He sat with his knees up under his chin, trying to control his shaking when Magnus walked slowly in to join him on the pink couch. They didn't look at each other and Alec could hear the warlock's heavy breathing, as if he was unable to control his raging emotions. Magnus started talking.
- "Don't you dare saying I don't care about you, shadowhunter." His lover said roughly, rage raw in his voice. "If I didn't care, I wouldn't even have bothered to give you the first kiss and if you seriously think I'm sick enough to play with people's lives, I don't even know how you can stand being in the same room as me." Alec was gracious enough to look ashamed. "Seriously Alec, I don't know where this is going... I'm trying to be patient and I'm constantly forgiving you for your closeted state's actions. And you can't even forgive me a single mistake." The warlock looked utterly disappointed. Alec was too, but with himself. "I'm not saying I do better than you in this relationship Alec but... we certainly start to look like a square wheel and I don't know if we can fix it." Magnus said, voice deep with his sadness.
Alec looked at him, angry, sad, heart beating wildly in fear of loosing the love he had found, of ruining what had became so important for him. He wanted to talk but couldn't, what was there to say? The day dragged by without them seeing it, lost in their thoughts and lost in their fears. Somehow, the TV had been turned on at one moment but they didn't watch it.
They were staring at each other in a heavy silence, filled by all the untold words, all the unexpressed feelings and disappointments toward each other when Jace walked out of the den in a hurry, only to be stopped by the ominous atmosphere hovering in the flat. Alec looked at his parabatai and saw all the flicker of emotions invade his features urgency, puzzlement, curiosity and finally annoyance, that won over them all.
Jace snorted loudly and if Alec felt a bit ashamed of both Magnus and him childish behaviour, his lover didn't even bother shifting a glance toward the golden shadowhunter. Annoyance shifted quickly into irritation and finally, Jace spoke up.
- « Will you two stop acting like frustrated harlots and get over it already ? You two obviously care for each other and you're both lucky for having just that so quit the drama ! It's beyond ridiculous by now !» When Alec started to stutter, trying to deny the whole thing, Jace turned his fiery gaze toward him. « And don't even get me started on you Alec, I should be the one pissed here but you know what ? We have other stuffs going on that are more important than your petty arguments... » Magnus lifted his head, suddenly interested and also offended. « Luke's waiting for us, there's been an attack, let's get going. » Jace finished, unwavering.
Magnus bristled and look like he wished to argue but Jace reserved him his full attention and oddly enough, the warlock kept his mouth shut.
They were all sitting in the metro, silent, Magnus and Alec now avoiding each other's eyes. Jace watching them with a mix of amusement and irritation on his face. Magnus had thrown a fit about the metro, he hated it and always preferred to take a taxi but, even before Jace had said anything, Alec had shut the warlock brutally, telling him to just get over himself already, that if he couldn't handle a little promiscuity, he should be off to be a monk and stop bothering everyone. It was an understatement to say that Jace was shocked. Magnus had then wrapped himself in his leftover dignity, following them reluctantly. A cold war had definitely been started between the two lovers. Jace's bet of a winner was definitely settled on Magnus. Alec didn't have it in him.
After some time, the ride being quite long, Jace got bored and being who he is, he brought up the obviously wrong subject at the wrong moment.
- "So, who's bottom?" He drawled, proud of himself. There, that would loosen them both.
Indeed, Magnus laughed at the top of his lungs, a pure and carefree sound, but Alec spluttered and choked, letting Jace wonder if you could die of embarrassment.
Thanks to everyone, hope you enjoyed that! :)