Hello my lovelies! Sorry sorry! I know I'm no good with promises :( I said Friday and here we are on Sunday... hmm, I guess I'll stop mentioning dates as life always get in my way and stop me from posting when I plan to! So here's the famous chapter 25, where Jace finally have a confession from Alec. Also I won't be posting the bonus tonight yet as this turned out to be wayyyy longer than I had planned ;( So Ill try to post that soon if you guys want it? I wasn't sure as not a lot of you answered this question! But! But! you guys were AWESOOOOMMME! And you told me which new stories you would be interested in with lots of reviews :D So here's the results I have as of now ;)

1- Professeur Lightwood : it's the lead story with 9 requests for it. :) It will then be the next story I'll write after I went through CoG!

2- Exeaquo : Open Bar and Malec's Tales of Exhibitionism with 6 votes each!

3- Exeaquo again : Reading the Spine of Your Heart and Seeing You Again with 5 votes! XD

4- Partners In Crime with 4 votes :)

5- Nympholand with 3 votes

6- Scattered Memories with 2 votes

And also, 5 of you told me you'd enjoy all of these stories and I want to thank you all for taking the time to let me know how you appreciated my writing, it really made my day ^^ And those who didn't get the first choice, do not worry! These stories are all my babies and they'll definitely be written sooner or later ;) Watch out for those! :D Now on with the chapter!

Disclaimer : Don't own :(

Chapter 25 : What You Most Desired

Alec had barely slept that night. Not that he went to bed that early, more likely in the middle of the night, but the tight knots in his stomach hadn't left him any peace. He'd rolled around, waiting and waiting... at one point, he didn't know if he wanted Magnus to answer him or not. Was it better to have a polite note of 'screw you' than this ominous silence? He couldn't tell. Athough, when the morning lighted up his room, and he heard the tell-tale sign of fire cracking, he thought relief would have claimed him but no... not at all.

Anxiety had built up in Alec's chest more than he would have like. He had awaited Magnus' message with a strange mix of eagerness, fear and longing. It all came crashing down on him when he read the few words. If he was angry and afraid of Simon's fate, what sent his hopes crashing down was the last line.

Although, sorry barely begins to cover it.

He sat down on his bed, staring at the sheet of paper blankly, trying to remember if he'd ever been so miserable in his life. How was it that a few weeks ago, keeping his secret and blending with the walls had been the most important thing in his life, what he'd tried to salvage at any cost? Now, looking at the refined writing of his ex-lover, he could barely handle his self-hatred. He thought about his long years of lies and only wanted to break free; be himself for everyone to see... but what would it be worth if he couldn't have the one he loved to share his newfound freedom?

Alec rummaged through his bed hair with impatience; staying idle and wondering about his future wouldn't save the situation. He had a mission to accomplish and it was quite simple. He had to find Simon. If there was one thing he would do well, it would be this.

Alec was halfway down to the Gard, with a very silent and preoccupied Maryse by his side, not that he minded, when some of Magnus' words came back to him. 'Clarissa Fray left New York'. He groaned when he thought about what it meant and was wondering if he should turn around and let Jace know to expect his 'sister'. He stayed still for some seconds, his mother barely noticing, trying to make a decision... But then realized that Simon was maybe in a more near state of danger than the red-headed tornado of doom. Sighing again, Alec moved ahead, focused on his mission.

When they came near the Gard, her mother waved to him distractedly, going inside to attend to yet another meeting. Alec didn't bother replying, he was searching through the crowd of shadowhunter, hoping to see Consul Malachi. There was some questions that needed answers. When his eyes finally sought the tall impressive man, Alec felt some cold shivers run down his spine. Unable to pinpoint why, his instincts screamed at him to hide, that the Consul couldn't be trusted and that asking questions would be less than welcome. Used to listen to his guts by now, Alec ducked down behind a corner, watching the Consul stomping regally toward the guards close to his hearing range. When the men spoke, Alec could hardly contain the sick wave crashing inside his stomach. He had his doubts but this... this was just another display of the shadowhunter's habit to be disgustingly haughty about every downworlder and their careless attitude toward the Accords. It was just another reminder to Alec of how reckless and dangerous his feelings for the sparkly warlock could become.

- "You two, bring the vampire upstairs. The Inquisitor want to speak to him again." Malachi said in his thundering voice.

- "That stupid Downworlder! I can't believe he thought we would send him back to New York without questioning him further. Well-deserved pain if you ask me." One of the guard said, laughing with a mean streak in his voice. Alec felt himself blanch, his stomach churning even more viciously.

- "What I am wondering myself if how anybody could have the gall to try to sneak him into Alicante to begin with. Rather stupid and awfully insolent. Who this kid thinks he is anyway?" The other guard said, snorting in contempt. Malachi looked at them both with a nasty smirk and answered them both.

- "Well, what do you expect from Valentine's son?" The Consul said in a final tone before stalking back upstairs, leaving the two guards to their task at hand.

Alec was too concentrated on controlling his upcoming hyperventilation to realize he'd missed the chance to follow the two guards who would have guided him to Simon. Swearing at his dumbness when he saw that, he stalked out of the Gard and tried to figure out what he should do now.

He meandered through the streets of Idris, looking at the shops and the happy, uncaring people that didn't see anything wrong with their way of being. What Alec felt most resentful of since meeting Magnus Bane was the way his eyes had been opened rudely to all the wrongness in the shadowhunting's world. He'd always been a bit apart from his family what with his unnatural empathy and protectiveness toward other weaknesses and needs. But again, was he really angry with Magnus for showing him reality, showing him how things really were? No... not really. If only because it would have meant regretting meeting the warlock in the first place, which he didn't.

Alec stopped in front of a clothes' store, his gaze caught by some black leather coat, with a tight cut and some military style he would never have worn before... But he knew Magnus would have loved it. Without thinking anymore about it, Alec found himself walking in the store.

Ten minutes later, Alec was back in the street, adorning his new coat and having discarded his old one. The cashier lady had looked suspisciously eager to get rid of his old coat for him. As he stood in the street, he decided it was time he man-up a bit and found a solution to the Simon's problem. Now wasn't the time to cry over the innocence he'd lost or how distrusful he'd became of his own people; somebody needed help and he'd be damned if he wouldn't give his all to find the innocent vampire. If only to comfort himself in the fact that maybe he'd changed, changed enough to make a difference... enough to win back Magnus. His features molding into a determined mask, Alec once again walked toward the Gard.

When Alec came back to the Penhallows' house in the late afternoon, his cheeks were flushed and his pulse raced in a bit of a panicked state. He'd been wandering about the Gard all day, being as sneaky as he could, without much success in finding the daylighter. When he'd thought about it, he realized that there was only one place Simon could be kept and that's when the panic had struck him; of course Simon would be in the cells below ground, where nobody would have easy access. At that moment, he'd known he didn't have any more choice... he had to tell Jace. Even if he wasn't looking forward for the temper tantrum that would follow. Sighing, Alec climbed the steps sulkily and opened the door with reluctance... Only to be met with a nervous wreck in the form of Isabelle and a very cool, too cool to Alec's opinion, Sebastien. He didn't have time to say anything before Izzy blurted out the reason of her anxiety.

- "Clary's here." Izzy muttered, eyes wide. "She came here on her own and she just ran upstairs to see Jace but... he's with Aline." She said again, in a hushed kind of horror-struck voice. Alec would have shown his worry if he hadn't felt black eyes on them, curious and inquiring. God did he disliked that boy. Without further thoughts, he dashed upstairs himself, hoping that he'd get there on time to avoid the drama... he really needed to speak with Jace.

Obviously though, he hadn't had much luck with avoiding the drama. When he came into the library, Jace and Clary were at each other's throats, no Aline in sight... By the Angel, he thought, why do I always end up dealing with these two over-dramatic scenes? It is so not the time...

As Alec watched his parabatai slump down, exhausted, against the wall, his horror receded enough for him to actually be concerned about the blond shadowhunter. What had just happened? Alec's ears were still ringing with the hateful words and the awful display of venom that had took place between his brother and his 'sister'. He'd always knew Jace could be incredibly harsh but he never thought he would see the day where his mean streak would fall upon the red-haired girl. He'd wished for it ardently when Clary was nothing more than competition to him but this... well now Alec just saw the ugly mess lying before him and his heart ached in pain for his brother's destroyed state. His protective side kicked in and he said the words he maybe shouldn't have.

- "Jace," he said, walking closer to the crumbled form. "Do you really think —" Alec started only to be rudely cut off.

- "Get out." His parabatai said in his now usual rough tone. "Just get out, both of you." Where Alec hesitated in doing just so, his sister just ram into the fight as was her habit.

- "So you can do what?" Izzy demanded, imperious. "Wreck your life some more? What the hell was that about?" She finished haughtily.

- "I sent her home. It was the best thing for her." Jace said, shaking his head. Alec couldn't help but feel a heavy parallel between his adopted brother and his situation at the moment. Both unable to have what they most wanted and hating themselves for wanting it. He felt a deep sadness fill him and though he knew Simon's situation was an emergency, he was seriously considering leaving Jace be and deal with the problem himself.

- "You did a hell of a lot more than send her home. You destroyed her. Did you see her face?" Alec couldn't help but wince at Izzy's insistence. Couldn't she see how Jace already hated himself enough... Alec sure could feel it through their bond.

- "It was worth it," answered Jace. "You wouldn't understand."

- "For her maybe," his black-haired sister kept on. "I hope it winds up worth it for you." Alec sighed, unable to come up with something to comfort his parabatai. Although he felt for him, somewhere he knew Isabelle was right; Jace had always been prone to self-destruction and it was a tiresome habit Alec had had to deal with one too many times.

- "Just... leave me alone, Isabelle. Please." Jace said in a dead voice. Izzy looked at him taken aback and Alec's heart clenched a little bit too... Jace never said please. Finally, he took upon him to deal with the remnants of his brother almost lying on the floor. He placed a hand over Izzy's shoulder and spoke in a soft voice.

- "Never mind Jace," he said quietly. "I'm sure she'll be fine." Alec finished, not really believing it but it hadn't been the purpose of his words. He was about to walk away with Izzy when Jace said the words he hadn't expected.

- "No, she won't," he said, staring blankly in front of him. "But I knew that. Speaking of which, you might as well tell me what you came in here to tell me. You seem to think it was pretty important at the time." Jace said unconcerned.

Alec hesitated again, breathing deeply. When he started explaining though, the shouting and accusation he'd expected did occured but he would have never thought that Jace would direct them toward himself... Thinking about it now, as he was trying to comfort the golden-haired shadowhunter, he sould have guessed it would go that way. Sometimes Jace was really predictable in taking the blame for everything and everyone. It only went downhill from there and his siblings' impulse on telling him off seemed to spur some kind of masochistic reaction and before Alec could do anything, Jace had smashed the window in front of him, drawing out his blood. If Izzy rushed to help his parabatai, Alec's feelings turned cold in an instant. An unbelievable anger filled him and one thought remained : how dare he?

While Alec lead Jace up in the attic room, he tried to hold in his fury. If he'd been sympathetic in front of Jace's sufferings a while ago, now the only thing that ran through his head was the unbelievable selfishness of his parabatai. Of course he was in pain but was it really a reason to hurt himself willingly? Didn't he know that there were other person caring for him, wishing to help him? No, that had always pass over Jace's head. What only mattered was his own pitiful drama. Alec was hurt too but did his parabatai saw that? Wondered about it? No, of course not. He was caught in his own swirl of self-hatred and didn't bother about anything else. In a flash of lucidity, Alec realized that these harsh thoughts could be applied to him also... Didn't he also acted selfishly around Magnus? Only thinking about his fears and upcoming doom if they'd be caught? Not caring about how the warlock would feel about his behavior? Biting in his own storm of self-hatred, Alec snapped at Jace, voice harsh.

- " Sit," he said to Jace, eyes stormy. "I'll get the bandages." Alec walked to his bed, aside from Jace's one. They had shared the room since they'd gotten here but as they had barely seen each other these last days, mostly because Alec avoided him, it had mostly felt like his room.

He rummaged noisily inside the duffel bag he'd retrieved beneath his bed, unable to contain the quivering anger racing through his bones, and came out with the box of medical supplies. He felt a bit of malevolent joy thinking of how Jace would have to deal with the consequences of his self-destructive behavior for once. But somehow, his parabatai called him on that.

- "Aren't you going to use a healing rune?" Jace asked, curious.

- "No. You can just —" Go to hell! Alec felt like screaming. Instead, he just flung the box on the bed roughly, muttering one of the many curses that came to his mind. Breathing deeply, Alec had the presence of mind to go clean his hands before attending to Jace's wounds. The water splashed around him as he washed with the remnant of his angry energy boiling within. Jace was looking at him with a sort of detached curiosity. Alec went back to the bed and picked the medical supplies before sitting in front of his parabatai.

- " Give me your hand." He asked harshly, a frown engraved on his face. Jace reached out and Alec couldn't contain his disgusted face when he saw the angry scratches and deep cuts embedded with glass on Jace's knuckles.

- "You're an idiot." Alec said wholeheartedly. Jace almost smirked back at him, fueling his anger. He took out the tweezers and started plucking out glass shards as his parabatai answered.

- "Thank you." Alec could have hit him at the moment but was cut off by Jace's next question. "So, why not?"

- "Why not what?" Alec questioned reluctantly.

- "Why not use a healing rune? This isn't a demon injury." Jace asked.

- "Because." Alec answered somewhat smugly, grabbing the bottle of antiseptic. "I think it would do you good to feel the pain. You can heal like a mundane. Slow and ugly. Maybe you'll learn something." He splashed the stinging liquid on his friend's cuts, happy to get a wince out of him. "Although I doubt it."

- "I can always do my own healing rune, you know." Jace said, ever the know-it-all bastard. But Alec wasn't letting it go that easy. He started wrapping the bandage around Jace's hand before answering.

- "Only if you want me to tell the Penhallows what really hapened to their window, instead of letting them think it was an accident." He pulled on the bandage, tightening the knot more roughly than necessary, getting another wince out of his parabatai. "You know, if I'd thought you were going to do this to yourself, I would never have told you anything." Alec said, though he knew he was lying.

- "Yes, you would have." Jace responded, obviously calling Alec on his lie. His parabatai had always been good at that. Alec wondered how he could ever have believed he'd be able to hide his relationship with Magnus from him. "I didn't realize my attack on the picture window would upset you quite so much." Alec sighed, his anger leaking out of him. It had been silly really... he wasn't angry with Jace that much. He'd just been his usual self. No, what had stir Alec's anger had been the unflattering mirror turned to him. How he'd himself destroyed everything that could have been good in his life for fear of being himself, of living with the feelings harbored in his heart.

- "It's just—" Alec sighed again, holding his brother's hand between his own, done with the bandaging, as if he was the one seeking comfort. Maybe he was. "Why do you do these things to yourself? Not just what you did to the window, but the way you talked to Clary. What are you punishing yourself for? You can't help how you feel." God knew he hadn't been able to fight his feelings either... and now he would never be able to express them anymore.

- "How do I feel?" Jace said evenly. But Alec could tell his parabatai was tensed.

- "I see how you look at her." He sais distantly, eyes far away as he remembered his own gaze on Magnus when he'd looked at their photos. How he'd been unable to glance away, caught up in the storm of his confused feelings. If only he'd known at the time how the warlock was all he'd ever want... "And you can't have her." Alec continued, as an echo to his own thoughts. "Maybe you just never knew what it was like to want something you couldn't have before." Alec had thought he knew... but compared to what it was like for real, his ghost crush over Jace lost all meaning.

- "What's between you and Magnus Bane?" Jace asked surprinsly, his gaze steady. Alec jerked back, unstable at being caught on his meanderings thoughts. Was he that obvious? He replied by habit, without thinking.

- "I don't — there's nothing —" He muttered, hating himself. But then... there wasn't anything anymore, right?

- "I'm not stupid." Jace said, a bit of his former anger at Alec's lies seeping through his voice. "You went right to Magnus after you talked to Malachi, before you talked to me or Isabelle or anyone —" Jace snapped, his impatience toward Alec's sidestepping obvious in his eyes. But then, Alec didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't that he still wanted to hide, he just couldn't handle Jace's inquiries at the moment.

- "Because he was the only one who could answer my question, that's why. There's isn't anything between us," he said but then, noticing the flame of hurt in Jace's golden orbs, he gave up... deciding on a more defined answer, even if it was with great reluctance. "anymore. There's nothing between us anymore. Okay?" Alec finished, avoiding his brother's gaze.

- "I hope that's not because of me," Jace said, shaking Alec from deep within. The blue-eyed boy blanched and drew back, a million images passing in front of his eyes; how often Magnus and Jace could have been alone together, how his parabatai could have caught up on Magnus' angry attitude toward him and how the warlock could have call off his crush to Jace... but then he stopped himself. Magnus would never have done that. Alec had never wanted Jace to know about his stupid feelings toward him and now that he knew they weren't real, he was even less inclined to do so.

- "What do you mean?" Alec asked in a small voice. He had a bad feeling about this... He could tell by Jace's indifferent gaze.

- "I know how you think you feel about me," his brother started, confirming his doubts. "You don't, though. You just like me because I'm safe. There's no risk. And then you never have to try to have a real relationship, because you can use me as an excuse." His parabatai finished with the most hurtful casualness in his voice. Did he really have to rub in his face how Alec screwed up? Fucking bastard... Like he didn't know how an asshole he'd been toward the warlock. How dumb he'd been to believe himself in love with the golden-haired shadowhunter. How now he was faced with the mess he'd made... Sometimes he hated Jace deeply.

- "I get it," Alec said, voice tight with anger and hurt. "First Clary, then your hand, now me. To hell with you, Jace." His brother looked at him coldly.

- "You don't believe me?" Jace asked, confusing Alec even more. Where was he going with that? "Fine. Go ahead. Kiss me right now." Alec actually felt his stomach churning in disgust. Horror struck him deep down, both from Jace's cruelty to his own revulsion toward the request. How could he ever have believed himself in love with Jace? His body shuddered at the thoughts of pressing his lips to somebody else mouth that wasn't Magnus'. Obviously, Jace caught on that.

- "Exactly. Despite my staggering good looks, you actually don't like me that way. And if you're blowing off Magnus, it's not because of me. It's because you're too scared to tell anyone who you really love. Love makes us liars," Jace said, nailed down his pain with every bitten word. He knew he was scared, he didn't need his parabatai to broadcast it. "The Seelie Queen told me that. So don't judge me for lying about how I feel. You do it too." Jace kept on, standing up, and adding to his misery. "And now I want you to do it again." Alec stiffened, hurt and disbelief filling him. Of course Jace would want to get something out of this...

- "What do you mean?" Alec asked cautiously.

- "Lie for me." His parabatai asked confidently, taking his jacket off the wall peg and putting it on. "It's sunset. They'll start coming back from the Gard about now. I want you to tell everyone I'm not feeling well and that'S why I'm not coming downstairs. Tell them I felt faint and tripped, and that's how the window was broken." Alec barely contained an exasperated sigh and tipped his head back, looking at Jace, unwavering.

- "Fine," he answered. "If you tell me where you're really going." Alec finished with his 'no-nonsense' voice.

- "Up to the Gard," his brother said, unsurprisingly. "I'm going to break Simon out of jail."

Alec sighed in despair as he looked at his parabatai storming out of their rooms. But again really, what did he expect? Wasn't he the first one who'd thought about going to Jace for his little Simon's situation? He guessed he would never get completely used to Jace's reckleness...

Although, when Alec watched the sun go down on the horizon, his mind may be filled with Jace's words but his heart wasn't turned to his parabatai... No, it was set on gold-green eyes and a playful smirk. while he wondered if he could ever fight his fear if given the chance, if he could have a shot at a real relationship, one his brother could never have with Clary; which probably explained his anger in front of Alec's cowardness. Alec exhaled loudly, his hands rummaging in his hair with exasperation. It seemed like he wouldn't get much sleep that night either...

Hope you guys enjoyed it ^^ And sorry if there's more mistakes then usual, haven't read that back really :( But tell me what you think! :D Think we can get to 265 reviews? I would loooooove that XD 300 is starting to blink lusciously at me heheh ;)