A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed/favorited/followed! All mistakes are mine. I hope ya'll like this chapter! Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Thank you so much for your concerns about my well-being when I was gone, it meant a lot. I'm so sorry for not getting this up on time, but life has been so crazy and I completely forgot to post it! I hope this chapter was worth the wait! Updates from now on will take a little longer for me to get up because I am always so busy. Sorry!

"Now the only way I know that can get you off my mind, to keep a bottle so close, try to leave it all behind…" – Kane Brown

Chapter 34

EPOV

August 2010

Every night, I wake up in a cold sweat from the nightmares. It's the same ones over and over again. Each time I see Jake's lifeless body in his room or Bella's unnaturally cold body in my arms. I keep reliving the worst moments of my life and I don't know how to stop it. Every night gets worse and worse and each time I find myself back there in those terrible places.

It seems like time has flown by. These days, I hardly get out of my house for anything other than school, and even then it's a struggle.

It's been a while since I've been around people. After the incident with Bella and Jake back in April, my parents decided that I should spend the rest of the school year doing work from home. I didn't protest. Life has been… hard these past months to say the least.

After I found Jake's body, the police and the EMTs rushed in and took me out of there as fast as they could. I was questioned about Jake and the letter he sent me right before he died. My parents found me soon after. They took me home and I didn't come out of my room for almost a week.

I had just lost everything. I lost my best friend. I lost my first love. I don't even know how I managed to do anything for the longest time. Everywhere I went, everything I did, reminded me of them. I would see their faces on everyone else.

Every waking moment, I think of Bella and how she's doing in Arizona or I think about Jake and how he died. I can't not think about it. It's literally controlling my life and everything in it.

I can't talk to my parents about anything, they wouldn't understand. They look at me with such pity in their eyes, I feel like they're just waiting on me to breakdown again, but it won't happen. I won't let anyone see me like that ever again. Ever.

I remember walking into school on the first day and getting completely bombarded with questions about football. Out of all the things that have happened in the past year, Jake killing himself and me finding the body, Bella trying to kill herself and then moving to Arizona with Mr. Masen, Tanya completely denying she had anything to do with the stuff that Jake wrote in his suicide letter, and me not coming to school for the last month of junior year, this is what they ask me about. These people are all so shallow. Jacob died and all they could ask about was football. Bella tried to kill herself and then was hospitalized for nearly a month, and all they could think to ask about was football.

So, I quit and I basically yelled at anyone who came near me for the entire first month of school.

Coach Clapp and the team were pissed as hell, but in the end, it was all my choice. After everything that's happened in the past few years, football is the least of my concerns. Every day I am somehow reminded of Bella or Jake. And every day, I feel guiltier and guiltier about what happened.

Why didn't I see all the signs before Bella tried to kill herself?

Why did I have to do all those things to her last year?

Why didn't I try to help her more?

Why didn't I pick up on the fact that she was being abused by her foster parents sooner?

Why didn't I stop Tanya and Jake from tormenting her during school?

Why didn't I say something to Jake about him being with Tanya?

I should've known something was up with them.

That's just it.

I should have known.

But I didn't.

I could have done so much, and yet, I didn't. Instead, I watched as the two most important people in my life, fell apart.

My parents always ask how I'm doing, but they are too scared to ask for details about what happened those few days. I don't know how to, nor do I want to, explain to them that I'm the reason Bella tried to take her own life and why I was the one to find Jacob's dead body. It's too deep and I just can't stand the thought of reliving those moments more than I already do.

I've shut everyone completely out of my life in just a matter of a few months. I don't want to burden everyone with all of my shit.

My parents say I need to talk to somebody about everything, like a professional.

I don't need to talk to a damn therapist. I'm fine and I can deal with all of this myself. I pretend to be happy when I'm around my parents so they can stop thinking that I'm fucking depressed.

In only four months, my entire life has completely turned upside down.

September 2011

School comes and goes, same old people, same nightmares plaguing my sleep. I can't get a break anywhere.

I am walking into the guidance office to ask about one of my classes, I run into a girl, completely knocking her on her ass. A flash of déjà vu hits me when I realize this is basically how I met Bella.

Coming to my senses, I reach down and try to help the girl up, but she brushes me off. "Get your nasty hands off me, asshole. Watch where you're fucking going next time, too!" the girl yells.

I stand there shocked for a moment. No one has spoken to me like that since everything that happened a couple of months ago, they didn't dare to. Yet, despite being called an asshole, it's kind of refreshing having someone not walking on their toes around me all the time.

I look into the girl's unfamiliar eyes and am surprised when I see fiery blue eyes staring back at me.

"I'm sorry." is all that I can manage to get out.

"Wow, pretty boy, I didn't think I would leave a guy like you speechless on my first day here," the girl chuckles out.

I half way smile back in response.

The girl sticks her hand out towards me, "I'm Kate. I just moved to Forks a couple of weeks ago."

"Edward," I reply, grabbing her outstretched hand, and shaking it.

"Good. Now that the awkward part is over, you can walk me to my first class, Edward. It's AP Statistics with Mr. Birdie. I'm sure even a pretty boy like you can manage to walk the new girl to class for the first day, right?"

I roll my eyes and lead the way to Mr. Birdie's classroom. When we get there I follow Kate inside, much to her surprise. "What?" I ask, genuinely confused.

She smirks at me. "I guess I didn't think that the first pretty boy that I met would be smart too."

It takes me a moment to realize that playful tone in her voice.

She's flirting with me.

I narrow my eyes at her.

"What?" She asks innocently, batting her eye lashes at me.

"I'm not interested," I say flatly.

Her lively exterior disappears immediately. "Neither am I, dickface. I have absolutely no interest in you. I didn't think talking to a guy automatically makes them think I want them," she all but spits out. And with that, she moves to the other side of the room. I don't even get the chance to say anything to her before Mr. Birdie starts teaching.

The entire class period, I feel completely awful about the entire encounter. She wasn't flirting with me; she was only trying to make a friend on her first day of school. I feel like such an asshole.

As soon as the bell rings, signaling the end of class, I rush over to Kate. "Look, I didn't mean to come off as such a –"

"An egotistical jerk who thinks with his dick instead of his brain?" she finishes for me.

I sigh, slightly offended at her comment, but I nod in agreement anyway.

Kate narrows her eyes at me. "You know when to shut up. That's good. Someone must have trained you well."

"Trained me well?" I lift my eyebrow in confusion. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I'm not a fucking dog.

"A girl, duh. There was once a girl in your life who taught you how to treat and react to a girl. She must have done a damn good job at it too. I can tell."

I unconsciously flinch at the mention of my girl.

Kate notices and looks at me funny. "Shit, I'm sorry. Bad memory?"

I don't know what makes me react the way I do, but the second the words are out of her mouth, I feel myself break. Tears begin rolling down my cheeks and it's like I have no control over my body anymore. It's the first time someone has asked me that and not had this judging tone in their comment.

"Oh fuck. You're crying. You're hot! You're not supposed to be crying! Holy shit, we have to get out of here before someone sees you." Kate grabs my arm and pulls me outside until we reach a bench on the back side of the school.

Sobs rack my body. They're uncontrollable. I keep thinking that Kate is going to leave at any moment when she finally realizes how much of a wuss I really am. I mean, I'm crying in public for fuck's sake.

What could have been hours pass by and Kate stays with me on the bench until I finally calm down enough to talk. "I'm sorry."

She snorts. "For what? Crying? It's natural, idiot and based on the fact that it's been three hours since we first got out here and you've been going at it no stop, I think you needed a good cry." She pauses and then continues, "You want to talk about it?"

The sincerity in her voice is what makes me pour my heart out to this complete stranger. I tell her everything, from meeting Bella, to falling in love with her, to losing her, to her almost killing herself. I told her everything and she sat quietly and listened.

When I ended my story, she let me calm down once more before speaking. "I can't even begin to understand the amount of pain you're in right now, Edward."

I chuckle humorlessly. "I don't know why I just told you all this. I haven't told anyone this before," I whisper. We're both quiet for a moment until she speaks up.

"Come on, let's go eat. I'm starving."

I take a deep breath and swallow my tears and follow Kate back into the school.

When we first walked in the lunchroom, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. It's the first time that I've been around someone other than Seth since everything happened. They're faces say it all; they're completely stunned. The fact that my face is probably all red and puffy from crying earlier doesn't help the staring either.

I keep my head down as we make our way through the cafeteria to find a place to eat. I pull out my sub sandwich and slowly start to eat. Kate pulls out her own lunch and we sit quietly, enjoying our meals.

Our peaceful silence doesn't last long. In a matter of minutes, Tanya comes up to our table and starts talking. "Aww, look who it is. Edward and the new girl in town. Do you have some kind of fetish for people who aren't welcome here? First Bella and now this ratchet bitch. It's becoming a habit, Edward. Why don't you come sit with me like you did at the end of last year?" She asks innocently, as if she doesn't understand why I don't sit with her anymore.

Before I have a chance to lash out at Tanya, Kate gives her a piece of her mind first. "Okay, listen here you little two – faced slut. I don't care who you think you are, you don't fucking talk to somebody like that. I don't care what the rest of the school thinks about you, but I've been here for four hours and I already hate you. From what I've heard, you're nothing but a manipulative, fake bitch who thinks she can get away with anything because her daddy is some big shot lawyer who has a shit load of money. Well, newsflash, that's not true.

"We all know the real reason you're such a bitch to everyone is because you're trying to make up for the fact that nobody will like you if you're not constantly putting other people down. You think that just because people laugh along with you as you say shit about someone else, that they like you. Well, they don't! They only want you to not say anything to them too.

"You don't have any friends and if you look around, you would see that you're completely hated by everyone around you. So, why don't you do us all a favor and leave everyone the fuck alone for once."

Tanya's face is priceless. I can see her face scrunch up in anger and embarrassment and so can the rest of the cafeteria.

When Kate finishes her speech, Tanya stomps out of the cafeteria while everyone else applauds. Kate playfully takes a bow and then sits back down beside me. "Maybe that'll teach her to fuck off."

I chuckle lightly, something I haven't done in what feels like such a long time. When I speak again, I genuinely mean the words coming out of my mouth. "I think we are going to be great friends, Kate."

Her smile when I say this, makes a grin break out on my face for the first time in forever.

December 2010

These past few months have been better. Kate's helped a lot. She's an amazing person and a great friend. I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. She's literally bringing me back to life.

The best part of being friends with Kate is that there's never any pressure there. It's kind of what I felt like with Bella, but not on a romantic level. I could never, and I mean never, have more than a friendship relationship with Kate. She's too good a friend and definitely not my type.

In the little while that I've known her, she's easily become my best friend. Everything is just so easy with her. I find myself able to talk to her about stuff that I thought I would never be able to talk about with someone. Stuff like Bella and Jacob and even Tanya. I tell her everything and I have never once felt like she's judging me. She seems to genuinely care for me as a friend.

It goes the same way with her. She tells me everything and holds absolutely nothing back, although sometimes I could go without certain explicit details.

After everything that happened with Bella and Jacob, I never thought I would find somebody who truly cared and wanted what's best for me until I found Kate. She's everything I could ever ask for in a best friend and I can't imagine going through anything without her ever again.

**TCWT**

Kate and I are driving home from school one day when out of the blue she says, "I think you need to go to therapy."

I all but slam on my breaks when I fully comprehend what she just said. "Why the hell would I need to go to fucking therapy?" My parents haven't even bothered to bring that subject up in months.

"Because the shit you've gone through, left you seriously fucked up, Edward," she says, her voice no more than a whisper.

I roll my eyes at her. "I know, but that doesn't mean I want to go pour my heart out to some fucking stranger."

She raises her eyebrow at me. "How the hell do you think we became friends?"

I roll my eyes at her once more. "I told you already. I don't know what came over me that day. You said something that made me think of Bella and I just completely lost it. No one had said one word to me about her in months, I didn't think about what I was doing, I just reacted."

Kate chuckles at my explanation even though she's heard it a million times. "I know, I know. I just love to see you get all worked up over something. But anyway, I seriously think you need to consider going to therapy, Edward. It could really do you some good."

I roll my eyes at her once more and reply, "Whatever, Kate," effectively ending the conversation.

When we get to my house, we promptly go to the kitchen to get some snacks and start heading back to my room. As soon as we get to the stairs, my mom pops in from the garage and says, "Edward, sweetie, you have some mail. It's from the University of Washington… from the football coach that you talked to last year about playing there…" she trails off.

I huff and go get the mail. I don't even look at it or think twice before throwing it away. Football hasn't been a part of my life in almost one year and I plan to keep it that way.

I can hardly even remember the talk with that coach too. It happened right after everything with Bella and Jake went down… I wasn't in the best state of mind at that point in time. All I remember is the coach, Coach Burnham, practically begging me to come play for him. He offered me a full ride scholarship and everything, but I told him that football wasn't a priority at that particular moment and I haven't heard from him since.

I make my way back up the stairs while Kate just stairs at me, flabbergasted. "What?" I ask, nonchalantly.

"You're not even going to look at it? You're just going to throw it away? What if it was a scholarship? What if that coach really wanted you to play for him?" She asks, pointedly.

I roll my eyes at her antics. "I already know what it is and what it says. I just don't care. Football isn't a part of my life anymore."

Kate huffs and I leave her behind to go to my room. A few minutes later, she follows me in and plops down on my bed beside me.

"Dear Edward Cullen," she begins. "I am hoping that my letter to you will help you in your important decision about college this up coming school year. I realize that we haven't talked since your team won the national title without you last year, but I am still hoping that you will consider my offer in becoming a Washington Husky. I realize that back then, college football was not on your mind, but I am hoping you have had time to think through your decision carefully and reconsider it. I believe that you will be an amazing asset to the University of Washington, as a football player and a student. I have complete confidence that you will be able to find your home here as a husky. I am willing to offer you a full athletic scholarship for all four years if you agree to play for us this coming fall. I would love to hear from you and talk with you about any questions or concerns you have about my offer. Sincerely, Coach Burnham."

When Kate finishes reading the letter, she slaps me as hard as she can across the chest.

"What the hell was that for?" I ask while rubbing the now sore spot on my chest.

"Why the hell would you not accept his offer? This coach sounds like he really wants you and he's willing to pay for your entire college! Why the fuck wouldn't you go?" she roars.

"Football just isn't a part of my life anymore," I say mechanically. It's the same answer I gave my parents, my friends, my coach, and my school when they asked me the same question.

"Like hell it isn't! From what I've heard about you and football, this is something that your life has revolved around for forever."

The mood in my room goes from taunting and teasing to serious in a split second. "That's because I found something better to make my life revolve around," I say quietly.

Kate's face drops. "You mean Bella?"

I nod.

"Edward, I understand how much she meant to you and that she was your first love, but you have to get over her somehow. I know it's not going to be easy, but I think this is what's best for you."

I take a deep breath and try to hold in my tears. "I know. I just miss her so much. She was my entire life for two years. I hate being without her. I hate not knowing how she's doing. I just wish I could see her, how she's doing one more time. I need to."

Kate rubs her hand up and down my back in comfort. We don't say another word; we don't need to. The silence is comforting enough.

After a little while, Kate starts talking about how ridiculous she feels. Surprisingly, she makes the hole in my chest that Bella left when she went away, seem not so big anymore. She helps take the pain away.

A few minutes of mindless chatter later, Kate's voice becomes serious again. "Promise me that you'll at least go talk to the coach about this. I don't want you to give up what could be an incredible opportunity because you're heartbroken," Kate says firmly while hitting me once more in the chest. The playful mood that I've become so familiar with surrounds us once more.

"Okay! Okay! I'll talk to the coach! Just stop fucking hitting me! It hurts!" I say, laughing the entire way through the pain. For a tiny girl, Kat sure can pack a mean punch.

March 2011

I never thought I would see the day when I had my name written on the back of a football jersey again. Yet, here I am, at my college football signing. I never thought I would be able to say that after I quit senior year. I mean, who wants a player who sits out his senior year of high school?

Well, that's Coach Burnham for you.

After Kate lectured me about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life that day when I got the letter from Coach Burnham, she's been riding my ass about the future. It's like every other second she's getting me to think about college and my career and the rest of my life.

In her own way, I know she's just trying to help, but with every thought about the future, all I can think about is Bella. I want to know how she's doing. I want to know where she is. I want to make sure that Mr. Masen is treating her right. I want her to know that I loved her, I still do, and always will. I just wish I could get one answer as to if she was okay or not, but I know that's never going to happen. I know I have to move on with my life.

That's why I took Coach Burnham's offer.

That's why I'm playing college football.

That's why I let Kate convince me to bring football back into my life.

I have to move on somehow, and this is my first step in doing so.

Kate's by my side the entire time during this process. She's helping me and guiding me on all of my decisions. It's like she's the only one who truly understands and wants what is best for me. I can't thank her enough for it too. She's the best friend I could ever ask for.

As I sign my name on the dotted line, saying that I agree to play football for the University of Washington, I hear cheers from my family and "friends." I hear whoops and hollers, but it doesn't mean a thing. Playing football at UDUB is only going to be a distraction for the next four years, and it better be a damn good one.

May 2011

After months of Kate's constant pestering and my parent's incessant pity filled stares, I decided to go see a therapist and try to get over some of the shit that's happened to me. It's a long shot, but since everyone seems to think that this is the way to go, I guess I need to give it a shot.

From the moment I step into the therapist's office, I find myself feeling oddly calm. There's just something about this place that makes me feel at peace, something I haven't felt in a long time.

When I stepped into Dr. Carmen's office, I didn't expect anything at all. I am only coming here to appease Kate's constant nagging about me needing closure.

When it was finally my turn to go back to talk to Dr. Carmen, I had it in my mind that I wasn't going to actually say anything. My appointment is only for an hour, so all I have to do is wait the time out. Well, at least that was my plan. It didn't actually work out that way.

There was something about Dr. Carmen that made me open up to her and tell her everything that has happened to me, starting at Alice's death and ending with Bella leaving for Arizona.

Throughout the entire time I was talking, Dr. Carmen was taking notes. I don't know if that should have bothered me or not, but it did make me stop and think about everything I am telling her.

When I finally finish, Dr. Carmen takes a deep breath and says, "Well, Edward, I can honestly tell you that you have a very unique situation here," she chuckles lightly, trying to ease some of the tension in the room before she speaks again. "The first thing I want you to know is that you're not alone. You have never been alone. You have gone through so much in so little time, I can't imagine how hard all of this must have been for you."

"It's sucked," I say lifelessly.

"I bet it has. Grieving for so many people at one time is always hard."

"Grieving? Isn't that what depressed people do? I'm not fucking depressed. I'm perfectly fine," I spit out.

Who is she to tell me that I'm depressed? I'm perfectly fucking fine. I've just been a little out of sorts lately. It's no big deal. I can get over this in an instant if I needed to.

"I never said you were depressed, Edward. I only said that you were grieving. You've been through so much during these past few years, you have to grieve for all your losses. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but it's going to get easier once you finish grieving. I will be there every step of the way to help you and guide you when you need it."

Getting frustrated at Dr. Carmen, I go to walk out the door and as soon as I touch the handle, she says something that makes me stop in my tracks.

"Everyone grieves in their own way, Edward. So far, you've shut everyone out of your life as a way of dealing with it. I promise that if you stick with me, I will do everything I can to help you get through this grief. I can't take your pain away, but I can help make it easier to deal with. It will only go away when you're ready. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of things you've gone through these past few years, but I promise that you are not and never will be alone. Based on what you've told me, you have people in your life that you can talk to. You just have to let us in."

I take one more look at Dr. Carmen, nod at her, and continue to walk out the door. I don't stop to think or do anything until I am pulling into my driveway at home.

When I walk inside my house, I head straight to my room. I lay in bed for about an hour, just digesting everything that happened in the past few hours. When I finally feel like being productive, I get off my bed and head to the shower. Ten seconds later, I feel hot water running across my back. It feels so good to just relax and feel like I'm not about to completely breakdown from everything that's happened.

I grab the soap and start washing my body. When my hand comes in contact with my dick, it immediately shoots up, eager for some attention. I haven't been with anyone since the last time I made love to Bella, so my dick has been feeling really neglected lately.

I sigh and place my head on the shower wall. I firmly grip my dick and begin to pump, slowly at first because it's been so long, but soon enough I find myself jerking rapidly. All I can think about is the way Bella's tiny hands would rub my dick slowly, sensually when we were together. I remember wondering what it would feel like to have her pouty lips wrapped around my –

And just like that, I'm done. Just the thought of Bella like that gives me everything I need to finish the job.

I sigh and quickly wash my hair and get out. I go back to my room, now ready for bed, and lay down. I try to mentally prepare myself for the nightmares to start as soon as I close my eyes, but they never come. Throughout the entire night, I only have peaceful dreams, well more like memories, of Bella and I back when everything was perfect.

For the first time in what feels like forever, I slept through the entire night without a nightmare, disruption, or bad thought troubling my mind. Maybe this therapist thing won't be so bad after all.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed it! What do you think is going on with Bella now that Edward is completely out of her life? What do you think about how Edward is reacting to everything he's gone through? I'm sorry if this chapter seemed kind of rushed, but I'm trying to move things along to the end. Also, I do not know when I will be able to post again because my schedule is so hectic, but as soon as I get time, I will put chapter 35 up!