Growing Out

It's been four weeks since Edward and I have spoken. We've caught each other's eye from across the quarry or the hall now and then, but neither of us has uttered a word.

While he has continued being his usual jackass self and spent his days enjoying high school and all it has to offer, I have gotten fatter, sicker and more conscious of the fact that I am really, truly up the duff. I've also had counselling sessions with the adoption agency, bought new school uniforms and I have even had a heart to heart with my dad. While he's still not impressed and completely trusting of me, he thinks that my choice is selfless and says he's proud of how mature I've been about it.

If only he knew about the immature thoughts that pop into my head whenever I see Edward at school. So far:

-his head has swelled from ego-itis and got so big that he toppled over and his head exploded on impact

- His eyeballs fell out of his head while looking at one of the Brittanys and then he trod on them, pulling them out of their sockets. The rest of the day he spent walking into things.

- He ate something bad, and big, puss filled boils covered his face and arms. He looked just as ugly as I imagined his heart looked.

It's not just my imagination that's going crazy, I am having some messed up dreams as well. I keep having a reoccurring dream that I give birth to a little boy and then I kick him like a football out the hospital window and call out "have a good life!" then I get dressed and ask mum to drive me home. It's horrifying and so unsettling that I bring it up with Angela. She suggests that maybe I'm having second thoughts about the adoption, but I assure her that that is certainly not the case.

I am woken from this crazy dream again by my mother's voice. It's time to get up. Today, I don't mind, because I'm not going to school, today I'm going for an ultrasound. At least it seemed like an awesome idea, but by the time we're in Doctor Cullen's waiting room, I have been holding my bladder for one and a half hours, and I'm fairly certain that I am just moments away from pissing my pants.

I'm surprised that we're still using her services after everything that's happened, and then I'm even more confused when Doctor Cullen meets my mother with a friendly hug and they call each other by their first names.

"Hello, Izzy," she greets me with a smile and talks as if we've known each other all our lives, "are you ready?"

I nod and she asks us to follow her through to her room. We each take a seat and Doctor Cullen, or Esme, as my mother calls her, sits on the other side of a large wooden desk. First she asks me to weigh myself, and I'm shocked to learn that I've already put on two kilos. She then asks me a few questions about my eating habits, and my symptoms. I explain that what I eat usually comes back up and she promises this will start subsiding soon. I also tell her that I'm peeing every five minutes, that I'm so exhausted I could sleep standing up, and that my breasts are turning into melons.

"Perfect, it all sounds normal to me," she assures.

Well, that's just awesome. Pregnancy equals turning into a fat, big breasted zombie. Had I known this, I don't think I would have had sex … like ever.

Next I get to lay down on the bed and she has a feel of my tummy. She smiles at me and says I have the cutest little pot belly already.

I couldn't be happier because having a cute little pot belly was right on top of my bucket list.

Finally she gets to the good part and I wait anxiously as she moves the stick thingy around on my belly. She clicks a few buttons and I see the screen zoom in, then I gasp. There's the unmistakable shape of a baby on the screen. My baby. She pushes a little harder on my belly and I see the baby wriggle, and then throw up an arm. Attached to it is a perfectly formed hand that seems to wave at me.

"Oh my God!" I can't believe what I am seeing. There's no longer a jelly bean inside of me, it's a real live baby. A baby! I think I'm in shock. And in love.

I feel something touch my hand and I look over to see my mum smiling at me, her cheeks are wet with tears. I squeeze her hand and smile back at her.

"We just need to get a few measurements and then I'll try to get some good pictures for you to take home, okay?"

I watch the screen as she does her measurements and laugh when the baby starts wriggling around again. I hear a few clicks then a whir sound and I'm handed a bit of paper with three pictures. One is the baby's profile up close, the next is baby from head to toe, seemingly putting their little legs up and resting, and the last one is of baby waving.

"Some great pics for this early on," Esme says as she cleans up the gloop from my belly.

I agree and continue staring at the little hand in the picture.

"Izzy?" I look up at Doctor Cullen and her expression is one of consternation. I'm worried that something is wrong and sit up straight. "I know you guys are having … issues, but would you mind if I showed these to Edward? I mean … if you wanted to do it … or if you don't want me to, I completely understand."

I'm surprised that she's even asking me, it's her grandchild, she can do whatever she wants with the pictures. Besides, I hardly think some photos of a twelve week old baby are going to make him change his attitude about this.

"Sure. You can show him."

She smiles at me and I go back to looking at my pictures.

As soon as we're home I run straight into Alice's room to tell her the latest. I have been hanging out in her room almost daily these last few weeks. I miss her and hate that she's not here to be a part of this. Despite the fact that I'm only sixteen, I know she would have been so excited to be an auntie.

"It's not a jelly bean anymore, Alice. I'm having a baby." I lay on her bed and hold up the pictures. "Baby says 'hi' by the way," I chuckle at my own joke, and an unexpected sob follows. "I wish you were here to tell me what to do. For once in my life, Alice, I don't know what to do. I thought I did, but I don't. Help me, Alice, why aren't you here to help me?"

I cry into her pillow until I fall asleep, clutching the black and white pictures to my chest.

The weekend is here and I'll be offline for 2-3 days again, so I'm giving you two chapters to gander at. We skip ahead in time a little with these two, then there's another skip ahead in Monday's chapter, but I make up for it by making it much longer than these...at least that's what I'm telling myself.