Castiel sat in the Impala that was still parked at the diner. He had not been sure where else to go to think. He just had to leave, not caring where he ended up, and somehow there he substantiated, in the back seat of the car, his usual spot when the three of them went hunting. The car was permeated with Dean's scent, one that Castiel got to inhale deeply and in person for the first time mere minutes prior. Now the remnants in the car left him feeling… what words had Sam used?
It's… it's like loneliness and helplessness and adoration all mixed together.
Castiel leaned his head against the window, watching the late afternoon autumn sun hit the pavement at an angle, reflecting a weak orange light that filled the car with shadows. Castiel's breath puffed condensation against the glass. His eyes were open but unfocused.
I just woke up, I'm confused, I just need a second…
Before entering Dean's dream, Castiel had not known what to expect. He thought he was going to have to soothe a hostile, violent, self-destructive man. Instead, he was confronted by Dean's basest desires, and parts of Dean that sought to enable his self-loathing by twisting all his hopes, invalidating his self-worth. Dean's shade had deceived Castiel into thinking it was Dean's true form, but then, was it not? Dean, his shade, and everything else Castiel encountered was a manifestation of Dean's mind. The shade was Dean's deception, lust, and need to dominate and control. Perhaps the other Dean was the flip side of the coin, so to speak. That Dean was warm, open, yielding and, Castiel thought, loving. Castiel knew some people forgot their dreams when they awoke, and were left with only impressions. Perhaps Dean woke with only the positive feelings, but then they faded as he realized that he was no longer dreaming.
I was foolish to think Dean would, could reciprocate my feelings for him, thought Castiel sadly. Maybe I do not understand what human love is. Castiel pressed his lips into a thin flat line as tears ran down his cheeks, and he breathed in Dean's smell in shallow, measured breaths. Curiously, after a few minutes, he began to feel a bit better. It felt good not having to conceal his feelings, to not have to do the infuriatingly human dance of feeling one way and acting another. He shook his head to clear away the remnants of self-pity and gestured toward the dashboard of the car. The stereo turned on with a crackle of static and one of Dean's cassettes came to life, music blaring loudly through the speakers.
Every time when I look in the mirror,
All these lines on my face getting clearer,
The past is gone,
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way?
Everybody's got the dues in life to pay.
I know nobody knows,
Where it comes and where it goes,
I know it's everybody sin,
You gotta lose to know how to win.
The song caused something to rise inside Castiel, and he willed the music louder. It somehow comforted him to know this was something that spoke to Dean, for whatever reason.
Half my life
Is books, written pages,
Live and learn from fools and
From sages,
You know it's true,
All these feelings come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years,
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears,
Sing with me, just for today,
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.