Dream on,
Dream on,
Dream on,
Dream until your dreams come true.
Castiel had made a mess of things, he knew that now. How arrogant of him to think he had all the answers, that he could go into Dean's mind and… interfere. That his presence would serve as anything other than additional confusion.
That feeling again, the helplessness and loneliness. The ache of it was nearly unbearable. It pulled at his grace, and Castiel could feel colors rising up inside him, the greens of Dean's eyes and the golden brown of his hair. He could hear Dean's voice laughing and feel the warmth of his smile. He could hear his boot steps turning and walking away.
Castiel, you are better than this, he thought, but it was not his voice in his head. It was Dean's. Put on your big boy pants. You are an Angel of the Lord. So, you might've made some mistakes. So what? You gonna quit? Or are you gonna do something about it? Castiel blinked. Perhaps this some remnant left over from when Castiel was in Dean's head. Apparently, going somewhere to think by yourself is impossible to do when you are in love with Dean Winchester.
Sing with me, sing for the years,
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears,
Sing with me, just for today,
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.
Castiel cleared his throat, tugged down on his jacket lapels, and opened the car door. He could not just keep these feeling bottled up inside. Dean did that, and his spirit was nearly broken. Nearly. And why had it not? Because Dean was better than that, he was strong, and because he believed Castiel when Castiel reminded him of that fact.
He may not love me, but he trusts me, Castiel thought. I can still care for about him, and for him. I can still help him and guide him, and do that out of love. It is selfish to ask anything in return.
Castiel smiled as he stepped out of the car, upon having his doubts and shame lifted by calm, rational thinking. He would explain his realizations to Dean, apologize, and make amends. Then, when Dean was ready, they could resume their previous roles as close friends. Brothers in arms. Soldiers in the fight of good versus evil. Who like to hold hands and hug a lot.
Castiel stood holding the door open and shook his head, trying to clear it of his thoughts of Dean, of the sound of his whisper in his ear and the feel of his breath on his neck. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out visions of Dean in his boxer briefs, bathed in angelic glow, muscles tense and wanting. He clenched his fist at the remembrance of Dean's body pressed against his own, and imagined his human reaching up to gently run his fingers through the feathers of his dark, prismatic wings.
Castiel's eyes flew open, blue flames burning. He had begun to glow, and could see in the window of the Impala the reflection of two great shadows emanating from his back. What is happening to me? he thought, panic rising and mixing with lust and uncertainty. He tried to decorporealize and teleport elsewhere, but it felt like he was glued the the car door, anchored down by thoughts of Dean. His Dean.
Get it together, Cas , he heard Dean's voice say. You can feel these feelings, but you can't let'm control you. I'm always gonna be here, no matter what happens, so let go.
Castiel heard his own voice as his glow died down, "this is more complex than previously anticipated." He closed the car door, and headed toward the diner.