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No Me Guesta
Cast: (Izana, Iago, Hans)
Prompt: Just a drabble about Izana

The conquest of Hoshido was going swimmingly. Mostly. Sure, Corrin had not succumbed to despair, but Iago was certain it was a matter of time. In fact, he had a new idea that involved Faceless and the Eternal Stairway.

However, transporting King Garon had proved rather taxing. Then Garon had ordered him and Hans to stay back, by themselves. They could more easily torture Corrin from in the shadows. At least until Fort Jinya.

And while Iago had no concern for Hans' temper, he grew tired of the general's constant complaining. They had been marching for quite some time. Iago figured they could do without rest that day, but he was beginning to regret it.

"Well what do you want me to do about it? We do not have a safe place to hide. What do you suggest if you're so smart?"

Hans shrugged. "I'uh'o. Izumo? They're close by. Their duke is a pushover, he'd let us stay."

"Oh really? Even after what Zola did to him?" Iago questioned. Hans chuckled.

"Yeah. He had both the royal families eat dinner with him. Right after he executed Zola."

"Hmph. This won't work at all. In fact, I'll indulge you and we can go to Izana himself. Then you'll eat your words!"

"Nice to meetcha!" Izana shook Iago and Hans' hands enthusiastically. "You heard right, we don't believe in violence here in Izumo!" He stopped. "Well, not that I don't enjoy a good fight every now and then, but why fight when you can party?"

Iago hung his head backwards. "I cannot believe this is happening."

"So you say you're both Nohrian? What a coincidence, some of my last guests were Nohrian! Little Princess Elise sure knew how to have a good time! If you really do work for the royal family, then I owe it to ya to let you stay the night!"

"He's so obnoxious…" Iago hypocritically said, under his breath. Izana put an arm around him as though they were lifelong friends.

"C'mon, I'll get someone to show you the guest room! It'll be great!"

"Oh… fine! But just for tonight!"

One Day Later…

Iago was sprawled out on the futon, while Hans sat at a small table, shoving rice into his mouth, ignoring the chopsticks. One of Izana's servants came in.

"Um… weren't you guys leaving today?"

A look of horror flashed on Iago's face. "Mm, about that… We, er, we need a little more time, we're…"

"We're more tired than we thought, now get out!" Hans roared. The servant gulped and left. Garon's cronies laughed evilly.

"We should've done this ages ago, Hans. The food, the beds, the massages…"

"Yeah, that whelp Zola sure had it good. How long 'til you gotta mess with that albino brat, huh? We can wait a few more days, right?"

The sorcerer waved his hand. "Oh, there's time to kill until I need to be at the Eternal Stairway. Let's enjoy ourselves for once."

Several Days Later…

And so Iago and Hans lived it up as they grated on the nerves of each of Izana's servants, until only Izana himself remained. The archduke took it in stride at first, seeing this as a challenge for his hosting abilities.

But even the most gracious host had limits.

"IZANA!" Iago called from his and Hans' room. "WHERE'S TEA?!"

"Coming…" Izana said, fatigued. He made it to the room, with Iago's tea. There was a lemon on the cup. Iago squinted.

"Why aren't you in uniform?"

Izana sighed and left, coming back with the tea, but re-classed as a butler. "Here you go, your majesty." Sarcasm dripped onto his words.

"I can't drink that! That lemon has three seeds! You know how I feel about odd numbers!" Iago complained. Izana growled.

"Fine."

He began to pick a seed off the lemon, but the wizard slapped the cup away. "NO! It's already ruined! It won't work!"

"Oh! Funny you say that! I know two other things that 'won't work'!"

Hans burped, now holding a tray of bones. "Hey Izana, take this tray away! And when you come back, I want my fortune told!"

"We-ell why wait? Let's get that bad boy read right now, huh?" Izana came over and swiftly took the brute's hand, reading the palm. "Hmm, yeeeah… Not good."

"Well? Out with it!"

"You and your friend… are going to leave veeeery soon! Yep!"

A clock chimed and Iago perked up. "Midday! Izana, you had better be prepared for that shadow puppet show you promised!"

Izana's eye twitched as he dimmed the lighting, providing optimal shadow puppet atmosphere. He switched from one shadow to another, to emulate a conversation between the two.

"Hey where are you going, friend?"

"Oh I was just leaving. That's what I do when I have no reason to stay, and other people are waiting for me. I leave! To meet them!"

"Wow! How do I leave?"

"It's easy! Especially if you wear half a mask and drag a big oaf after you! You just get out of bed, walk outside, and keep going!"

Hans ate a drumstick and burped. "This show is terrible! I'm bored!"

That was it.

"You know what?!" asked the angry Onmyoji, "I have another idea! You know what I do when I'm bored?! I leave! I leave and I go somewhere else! But when I go somewhere, I don't stay too long or ask for too much because, as a host, I know what makes a bad guest! AND YOU ARE VERY BAD GUESTS!"

Iago squinted. "… What are you implying?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Izana ran all through the Hoshidan countryside, dragging Iago and Hans behind him. By the little bit of godly power from his ancestors, he made incredible progress and caught up to King Garon's procession in nothing flat.

"HERE! GARON! TAKE THESE TWO!" He threw the henchman to Garon's feet. "THE BURDEN OF HOSPITALITY IS TOO GREAT FOR IZANA! THEY ARE NOT WELCOME BACK!"

Garon scowled. "Iago. I told you to make Corrin suffer. You defy me and lounge about in Izumo?!"

"Err, I can explain, your majesty! I-I-It was Hans' idea! I insisted on going to the Eternal Stairway, but-"

"Enough! Get out of my sight. I don't wish to see you again until you've brought misery to that child."

"O-Of course, your majesty." Iago said. With that, he ran off.

Something inside Izana changed that day. Never mind how the stress had ruined his perfect hair, the archduke had finally understood the suffering Nohr was inflicting unto others.

This had gone for long enough. Izana knew only one way to end the reign of Garon and the horrible houseguests he called minions:

Garon must be stripped of rank.

A while ago, Izana had overheard Corrin and some blue-haired woman talk of dethroning King Garon. How Izana would love to see that. With this goal in mind, the divinity in Izana's veins resonated, and spirited him away to the astral plane.

And the rest was history.

A/N:

Just like Super Sidekick Squad!, this one was just an excuse to write for Izana. It also gave me the chance to write for Iago and Hans, everybody's least favorite evil retainers.

The idea was that it'd be like the Spongebob episode where Squidward was mooching off Spongebob, but with all the buildup and the different ending, only the middle part of the story could really follow that mold. And then the ending made this whole thing a backstory for why Izana joins Corrin in Conquest.

Not one of my favorites, but I get a kick out of the mental images this one provides.

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