Hello again :D So, on the bus ride home last night, I wrote out bullet notes for the next few chapters on my iPod's notepad- and I have notes for the next 8 chapters! So I'm hoping I can burn them out quickly since I have the basic ideas planned out :3

So here we go!

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter has anxiety attacks/ mentions of schizophrenia/ and panicked bodily harm. If any of these trigger you, please read at your own risk.

I do not own MM.

"Saeran? Are you.. Alright?"

I had been pacing around the house for almost two hours, biting and picking at my hands and nails, refusing to speak. I registered Saeyoung's voice, but I felt no reason to respond, as the answer should be evidently clear, even though this is about the twentieth time he had asked me. I bit down hard on my thumb, tasting a bit of blood in my mouth.

My anxiety had been at an all-time high since I woke up this morning, my body in a cold sweat. I don't know what I dreamed about, but whatever it was triggered me into a state of fight or flight, and as a result, making me extremely restless and confused as I didn't know what to fight or run from. I pulled at my hair, angry with myself- I had tried all of the coping mechanisms that I had been learning about in therapy, but nothing was working. I felt sick to my stomach, my hands were clammy, my breathing was laboured, and it felt like there were voices speaking to me.

I had taken my meds, but they weren't helping. I didn't notice Saeyoung leave the room as I continued to pace frantically, unable to stay calm and try to relax. I looked at my hands- they were swollen and red, flakes of skin peeling off from where I had been biting and scratching at them, and I felt more anger towards myself bubbling in my stomach- why did I have to be this way?

It felt like I continued to do this for hours, though it couldn't have been more than thirty minutes, when suddenly there was a knock at the door, breaking me from my panicked daze. Footsteps bounded down the hall, and Saeyoung ran by me, flinging the door open, revealing a panic-stricken Yoosung. I froze as I made eye contact with him, watching as he pushed past Saeyoung, running towards me, looking me over frantically.

"Saeran!" His eyes searched my entire body, tears nearly welling up in them, "Are you okay?! Saeyoung called me and said something was wrong!"

My hands were shaking as I took in this situation, confusion blooming in my mind, when suddenly the flames ignited- Saeyoung was revealing the exact side of myself to Yoosung that I didn't want to expose him to. I looked away from the blond, forcing myself to break his frightened gaze, my glare fixing on my brother, whose own face was mangled with worry.

"Why the hell did you call him?!" I tried to step towards him, but Yoosung stood in front of me, looking up at me with apprehension. I pushed him to the side, my anger too strong to hold back. I grabbed Saeyoung by the collar, pushing him against the wall, ignoring the distant protests of Yoosung.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Why would you bring him here?!"

Saeyoung lifted his hands, trying to keep me calm and level, showing no sign of fright at my actions as he kept eye contact with me.

"Saeran, your meds haven't kicked in and you've been like this all morning- I know you two have been hanging out a lot lately, and I thought maybe seeing your friend might help."

I growled, pushing him against the wall again, his head knocking back against it, and I could hear Yoosung crying behind me. My heart wavered for a moment, but it was soon washed over once again by the aggression burning within me.

"I don't want him to see this! He shouldn't have to deal with this, this isn't fair! How dare you make him see me like this! Why did you think this would be okay, Saeyoung?! Do you have no common sense?! Of course I wouldn't want him to see this side of me, I'm a fucking monster!"

Saeyoung just stared down at me, his eyes shining as he stayed locked with my line of vision. My breathing was ragged, and I felt tears streaming down my face. I flinched as I felt an arm on my shoulder, and turned to see Yoosung looking at me, tears in his eyes, and suddenly I felt a feeling of regret completely overcome me as I stared into them. My grip on Saeyoung's collar loosened, and I let go, stepping back in horror as I realized what I had just done.

I looked at Saeyoung, to Yoosung, to my hands, and back, repeating this process. I shook my head in frustration, brushing past them both, running into my room and slamming the door behind me, locking it. I leaned against it, thrusting my hands into my hair, pulling hard at it, biting my lip. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad.

I slid down the door, falling into a crumpled sitting position. Anger, frustration, disappointment, embarassment- so many emotions ran through me, bringing my panic back tenfold. I scratched at my arms desperately, trying to calm them down, trying to bring the focus elsewhere, and I was failing.

Just like everything else.

I heard a gentle knock at the door, and I didn't have to be a genius to guess who it was.

"...Saeran..? Are you okay..?"

I said nothing, my attack on my arms slowing. I leaned against the door still, my head falling back against it, blinking away my tears. I heard shuffling from the other side, and felt the door move, as if something had pressed against it- did Yoosung sit against the door too?

"I'll stay here until you feel better."

"Go." My response was automatic, and cold- I bit my lip hard, shaking my head. I didn't want him to leave, but I didn't want him to stay and see me like this. I didn't know what I wanted.

"No."

"Why?!" I was yelling now, so angry with myself, and my inability to be normal, "You saw who I really am, why do you want to deal with that?! Why would you?!"

He stayed silent for a moment, and I felt panic arise, wondering if I had pushed him over the edge, but suddenly his voice came back to me.

"Because... We all have darkness inside of us, and it wouldn't be fair of me to judge you for yours."

I shook violently as I fought back the tears that were returning. I buried my face into my arms, fighting to keep silent. I took deep breaths, trying to focus on the fact that Yoosung was just outside the door, and he was here because he cared- this thought began to ground me, and I felt my distress beginning to subside. I stood up shakily, reaching for the doorknob, clicking the lock gently.

I heard Yoosung jump into a standing position at the sound, and I opened the door, looking out at him. His eyebrows knitted together as he looked at my tear-stained face, biting his lip.

"Saeran," His voice was laced with concern, and his hand lifted momentarily before freezing partway, and he pulled back, opening his mouth again, "Can I hug you? I really want to hug you right now."

I looked him over- his eyebrows were rising together in the middle, his eyes shining with remnants of tears. His lips were quivering, shoulders curved inwards in a defeated pose. I felt my insides tighten as I stared at him, knowing I caused this.

I nodded slowly, unable to speak, and he was on me in an instant, his arms wrapping around my waist, pressing my chest to his own. I stayed still for a moment, my body shaking gently in the aftershocks of my meltdown, and I felt him rub his hands soothingly up and down my back. I brought my arms up slowly, wrapping them around his shoulders, and I felt his grip on my waist tighten as he buried his face in my neck.

I closed my eyes, focusing on the warmth emanating from Yoosung's body- this heat was different than the one I felt during my episodes. The heat I felt inside was angry, dark, and destructive, ready to tear apart myself and anything near me; but his warmth, it was almost like drinking a warm cup of tea, or curling up in fluffy blankets fresh out of the dryer.

I ran my thumb gently along the nape of his neck, feeling the hairs there, and he continued nuzzling his face into my shoulder, seemingly reminding himself that I was okay, and I was here. I closed my eyes again, letting out a slow breath as the last of my anxiety vanished.

Maybe.. One day I can feel this warm, too.

GAHHHH I'm fangirling as I write because I ship these two SO FUCKING HARD UGH

I hope you guys like it omg I am just so excited for this story. I keep saying that but there are not nearly enough Yooran fanfics and so I need to bring more into the world.

JOIN THE SHIP WITH ME PLZ

~Pixil-8