I'm back! And very excited to write this chapter because I don't like Yoosung and Saeran fighting :c but y'know, plot and shit.

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of self-harm. Please be aware of this as you continue.

I do not own MM!

It's been five days since I left my room- maybe six. There was an ensuite bathroom, and I had no will to eat, so I saw no reason to leave. I was still so angry, so distraught, so broken. It was ridiculous and I couldn't stop it.

Jade and Saeyoung had taken turns knocking at my door in intervals, offering to leave food in front of my door, to which I always refused coldly, sometimes screaming for them to leave. They never once responded harshly- always leaving in silence, allowing me to wallow in my pathetic madness.

I rolled over on the bed, my eyes itchy from how dry they were. I had been crying on and off for the past few days. I lifted my arms to my line of vision, staring at the small scratches that now covered them. I was desperate, afraid, on the brink of losing control. I had broken a bobby pin, using it to break the surface of my skin there in an attempt to quell my darker urges; but it was getting worse.

It wasn't enough.

I sat up, glancing at the clock. It was the middle of the night, and I knew that Saeyoung and Jade would be asleep. I stood up, stumbling momentarily as my head spun. The lack of food I had forced myself into caused me to be weak, my limbs quivering under my weight. I opened my bedroom door, walking to the kitchen, leaning heavily against the door frame, staring at the object I desired.

I took in a slow breath as I walked towards the knife block, pulling one out- I gazed at the reflection of my eyes against the metal surface, its shine seeming to taunt me. I flipped it over in my hands, holding it up above my left arm. I pressed the edge against it, seething through my teeth as it broke the skin, a bead of blood rolling down and dripping on the floor below, the sensation momentarily distracting me from my anguish.

The next moment, I was on the floor- everything happened in a split second, I had no chance to fight back, not like I could in my current state. Saeyoung had ran into the room, smacking the knife from my hand, cutting his arm in the process. He pinned me down onto the ground, holding my wrists at my sides, staring at me with wild eyes, filling with tears.

"Saeran," He breathed shakily, "Saeran no, don't do this, not again."

I pulled against his grip feebly, shaking my head, feeling all of my sadness beginning to spill over.

"No," My voice was but a whisper, one I hardly recognized as my own, "No... I can't do this... I can't..." I cried, my head laying back against the tile. He held me there until he felt safe enough to let me go, pulling me up and hugging me. I sobbed feebly against his shoulder, completely helpless in my state of disorientation. He ran his hands through my hair and over my back, continuing this process until my breathing became more regulated.

He pulled away from me ever so slightly, pressing his forehead to mine, looking me in the eye.

"Saeran, what's wrong? What's hurting you?"

My eyebrows came together, feeling even more pathetic when he looked at me like this.

"I.. It sounds so stupid... But... A couple nights ago, Yoosung called me in the middle of the night, telling me that he.. He found someone he liked, and wanted my advice on whether he should ask her out... And I just felt... So betrayed, and hurt, for some reason. I was so angry. I completely broke down. I screamed at him... God, I'm pathetic." I laughed weakly, shaking my head, avoiding my brother's gaze. "I didn't like the thought of him spending time with anyone else..."

"Saeran."

I looked up at him, greeted with a small smile on his face.

"Do you like Yoosung?"

I looked at the ground slowly, letting out a shaky breath. I nodded slowly, biting my lip hard.

"...Yes. But... I can't do anything about it. I refuse to do anything about it. I can't hurt him."

"I really don't think you would ever do anything to hurt him intentionally."

"I don't want to hurt him unintentionally either."

Saeyoung laughed softly, squeezing my shoulder.

"Do you know how I treated Jade when she first joined the RFA? I was so scared of hurting her, I shut her out, and was so cold and cruel. Sometimes even now I'm surprised she stuck around."

I stared at him, blinking slowly; I didn't know he had acted like this towards her. I gazed back at my hands, still shaking my head. He sighed, continuing.

"You just don't know how to deal with this kind of thing. You're still learning to recognize your natural feelings amidst your recovery, it's understandable that you would react negatively in a time like this." He squeezed my arms reassuringly, smiling at me. "Start by calling him and apologizing, okay? That's the best place to begin."

I regarded him, then nodded slowly, sniffling as I stood. I went to the fridge, pouring a glass of juice for myself quickly, downing it. I shivered as the sugary substance went down, my body reacting well to it. I could only imagine how low my blood sugar was right now. Saeyoung gave me one last look of reassurance, quickly pulling me into a hug, which I weakly returned.

"I love you, Saeran. You can rely on me anytime. I'm always here for you."

I nodded, not ready to respond, but his words comforted me a bit. He left the room, and I made my way back to my bedroom. I walked over to my bedside table, turning on my phone. I felt guilt swimming through me as I got notifications of 20 missed calls, and 35 text messages- all from Yoosung. I dialled his number, holding it to my ear, completely disregarding the time.

He answered almost instantly, his breath ragged in the phone, and I could tell he had been crying.

"...Yoosung..?"

His breath hitched a bit, and I bit my lip, fighting back tears.

"... I'm sorry."

He burst into tears on the other end of the line, and I just listened to his sobs, feeling a tear of my own trickle down my cheek.

"Sa-Saeran! I was so worried you'd never t-talk to me again!"

I clenched my shirt in my fist, heartbroken at his words.

"That will never happen. I can't handle not talking to you. I'm... I'm so sorry."

We didn't exchange any words after that, just crying gently to each other over the phone. I didn't need him to tell me he forgave me- his soft cries were enough for me.

GUH tears ;0;

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

~Pixil-8