Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization'; 'Pilot'
Reference to: 'The Fuzzy Boots Corollary'
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"I can't wait until it comes out," giggled Leonard as he stood in line with Raj assembling their lunches.
"What?"
"Well, it's supposed to be a secret but a friend of mine at the OPERA said that they got a confirmation that neutrinos arrived earlier than expected."
Raj dropped his jaw. "That would prove Einstein wrong."
Leonard grinned. "Yup. My friend said he'd see if he could swing it that I go work there as a placement. I'm sure the new department head would go for it since it'd add prestige to the university."
"More like ridicule," said a voice from behind them. The two men turned to see Sheldon casting a derisive look. "I'm sure the result was an anomaly due to a miscalculation or misalignment of the experiment."
"And how are you so sure?" bristled the experimental physicist.
"The numbers don't lie. Neutrinos move at the speed of light."
"All you theoretical physicists are the same: 'the numbers don't lie'. It takes you twenty six dimensions to make your theories work—"
"They do work," the lanky man countered adamantly as he got a bottled water from the cooler. "Perhaps it's your level of understanding that's lacking."
Leonard was incredulous. "Of all the pompous things I've heard."
"Well it's better than the ridiculous thing I've heard coming from you," countered Sheldon. "You said in your initial phone interview that you were an experimental physicist. Why don't you spend your time figuring out the properties of supersolids at the moment of inertia in gasses at temperatures approaching absolute zero. It's not monumental science but at least it's productive."
"Whatever," scowled Leonard and he stomped off. Raj shrugged at Sheldon apologetically and followed his friend.
"Can you believe that guy?" seethed the bespectacled man as he paid for his food.
"He does have opinions," the astrophysicist said diplomatically.
"Opinions? How about complete and utter arrogance." The two men made their way to the lunch table and sat. "'A miscalculation or misalignment of the experiment'. Meh."
"Well, it's been known to happen," Raj said as he separated his lima beans from his rice. "Besides, it wouldn't be the same without you if you went to Italy."
"Yeah I could always work on supersolids," Leonard said sarcastically before taking a bite of salad.
"Great news, gentlemen," grinned Howard as he sat at the table. "Well, first the dry news: Gablehauser is our new department head. As for the exciting stuff there's going to be a department mixer to meet-and-greet him."
"So? I already know him," said Raj.
"Yeah, but do you know all the single ladies in the department?" said the engineer with a glint in his eyes.
"Most of them, yes."
"And the graduate students?"
At this Raj gave a pumpkin grin. "Alright! We are so there, right Leonard?" He turned to his friend. "Leonard?"
"Huh, yeah, sure," was the distracted reply.
"What's with him?" asked Howard.
"Oh, he had another encounter with the infamous Sheldon Cooper," said the astrophysicist.
"Ah, well, anyways, Ma said you could come over tonight. It's a chicken brisket."
Raj smiled. "Sounds good. Leonard?"
"Yeah, sure," replied the short man although his mind was more on supersolids than a Jewish meal….
XxX
Penny stepped out of the apartment just as the elevator doors opened.
"Hold it," she cried and in response Sheldon held the 'door open' button. After locking up both Sheldon and she exchanged places in the elevator and hall respectively. "Thanks, Dr. C." She winked as he flashed her a scowl.
The doors closed and the physicist stood for a moment, noting a vanilla scent in the air. With a sigh he unlocked his door and completed his disinfecting routine before checking the message flashing on his answering machine:
"Hello Shelly, it's yuhr mother. Ah hope Jesus has kept yuh well. Ah was at the Church the other week an' they had posters up for the holidays. Ah'm really hopin' yuh could come this time. They have a retreat at the Church we could go tuh"—here Sheldon rolled his eyes—"which would allow yuh to see the world with fresh eyes so tuh speak. Anyhows, just tossin' it yuhr way. Take care 'n' we'll talk soon. Bye."
Sheldon picked up the phone and ordered his pizza for delivery. Afterwards he'd open his box of new comics and settle down to read. He had an itch to play Halo but as it wasn't Halo night he'd just have to suck it up.
He turned on the television to the SyFy channel and watched Star Trek.
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With a sigh Sheldon entered the reception room. He had absolutely no interest in who was the new department head so long as the man allowed him to do what he wanted. Nevertheless Dr. Hester had insisted he attend—something about putting Sheldon's name on the list to see the Cern accelerator—and so he did.
Sheldon checked his watch and decided fifteen minutes was long enough to stay and ventured to the food spread at the far end of the room so as to avoid the people milling about in the central area. He watched as Dr. Pushman came to the table and took up a small paper plate.
"Dr. Cooper," said the plasma physicist amiably.
"Dr. Pushman."
"Nice spread," the older man said as he looked over the food. "Oh, I'm in the way," he apologized and passed Sheldon a plate. "I'm up for seconds so just shoo me aside if you want something."
Sheldon tentatively took the plate.
"You should try the shrimp," the man continued. "Excellent stuff. Let me—"
"I'll get it," the East Texan said quickly. He took a toothpick out of a cut kobasa and used it to pierce a shrimp and remove it from the platter.
"The cheese dip's also good," Dr. Pushman said as he helped himself. "Want some?"
"No thank you." Sheldon couldn't risk someone double dipping. They might be a room full of scientists but he kept track of who didn't wash their hands after urinating.
Noting that the shrimp were of varying sizes the lanky man scanned the tray to pick out the most uniform ones there.
Across the way, Leonard, Howard and Raj stood with drinks in their hands surveying the room.
"So, what's the plan?" asked Raj.
"We wait for another hour until the women are sloshed enough to hit on," smiled the engineer.
"Howard, this is a meet-and-greet with our boss," countered Leonard. "No one's stupid enough to get drunk."
"So what are we supposed to do?" said Howard. "Stand here all night?"
"I could always be your wing man," offered Raj. "You know, the Brown Dynamite to your Hot Pants."
"'Hot Pants'?" smirked the experimental physicist.
"I told you I want a different nick name," growled the engineer.
"You don't pick your name, your name picks you," tutted Raj with a hint of a smile.
"Yeah, well who called you Brown Dynamite?"
"That's for me to know," Raj muttered as he remembered the accident he had in his shorts when he was eight with his brothers laughing like hyenas.
Howard took a sip of wine. "Here's the plan: Raj and I will cruise around looking for any woman who can't keep eye contact or appears grossly out of place."
"What about me?" huffed Leonard.
"Leonard, it's called a wing man not men," said Raj. "Besides, you already have a girlfriend."
"I guess." Leonard wasn't sure how to classify his relationship with Leslie Winkle. As long as they were having sex she could call it whatever she wanted.
He scoured the room and was shocked to see a familiar lanky man across the way. "I'll see you guys in a bit." He made his way over.
"Dr. Cooper," Leonard said as the theoretical physicist was in the middle of eating his shrimp. "I, uh, wanted to apologize to you for, uh, what was said. We both kind of lost our cool and—"
"No, you lost your cool. I was merely correcting your errors," Sheldon replied evenly before taking up another shrimp.
Leonard fixed a smile to his face. "Let's just agree to disagree shall we?"
"As long as we agree that I'm right I'm amenable." The East Texan tossed his plate in the garbage and proceeded to wipe his hands with a napkin.
"Anyways, I was thinking about what you'd said about the supersolids."
"Helium in particular."
"Okay." Leonard thought for a moment. "I could see that."
"According to my predictions at temperatures nearing absolute zero the moment of inertia changes and a supersolid forms."
"I'd like to conduct the experiment," the shorter man said. "This deserves to be proven."
"It doesn't need 'proving'. I already said it occurs," sniffed Sheldon.
"Well, I'm sure your word is good but the scientific community needs a little more than that," Leonard said diplomatically.
"Yes, well I—"
"Gentlemen, what's with the shop talk?" asked a tall man in a suit with an amiable smile on his face. "Eric Gablehauser," he said as a way of introduction.
"Leonard Hofstadter. Experimental physics. Nice to meet you."
"And you are?" Gablehauser said to Sheldon.
"An actual real scientist."
"You must be Dr. Cooper," the new department head said diplomatically. His predecessor gave him a head's up on the physicist.
"Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser," Sheldon twanged. "How fortunate for you that the university has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in twenty five years"—here Leonard winced—"and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement."
"Excuse me?" Gablehauser growled. "I've conducted many experiments over my years at MIT."
"Dr. Cooper, be nice," Leonard mumbled nervously. "He is our boss."
"True. He does deserve respect if for no other reason." Sheldon cleared his throat. "Yes I did gloss over your work and with all due respect I find you to be nothing more than a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
"Well then, maybe it's best you don't work for me," seethed Gablehauser.
"While I approve of the gesture I somehow doubt the university will let you resign before your tenure even begins."
"I'm not resigning," amended the department head with a grim smile. "You're leaving. As in fired. As in clear out your office and vamoose."
Leonard dropped his jaw as Gablehauser stomped off.
Sheldon stood a moment in shock before walking stiffly out of the room.
XxX
Penny stood at the mail box sorting out her mail.
"Bill. Bill. Letter with cheque in it from mom begging me to come home. Bill. Bill." She tossed out her junk mail for a local gym membership and real estate. "Well with this level of encouragement how can I fail?" she smiled grimly.
The lobby door opened and she turned to see Sheldon enter carrying a cardboard box. He made his way to the elevator only to stop as he read an 'out of order' sign.
"Elevator's busted," Penny said. "Super said it'd be a couple of weeks to get the parts." Sheldon nodded.
"I see," he said evenly. Penny passed by him only to stop at the foot of the stairs.
"Well, are you coming or what?"
"I'm pondering the implications," he said slowly.
"How 'bout this: get your butt in gear up the stairs or stand there until it's fixed."
"I have to go to the bathroom," admitted the physicist who joined his neighbor as they walked up the stairs. His box was open and Penny could see an assortment of knick knacks and files.
"Quit or canned?" she asked.
"Physicists don't get canned," sniffed Sheldon.
"So you quit?" Penny took in his silence. "Canned it is. Sorry sweetie."
"No, it's better this way. I've been working in an environment of inferior intellects who've stifled my brilliance."
"There's that," smirked the waitress.
"Penny, I have an IQ of one hundred and eighty seven although my true intellect doesn't rank on standardized tests and furthermore possess an eidetic memory."
She turned her head to him. "What's that?"
"I can recall everything I've experienced since the day my mother quit breastfeeding me."
Penny smacked him lightly on the arm. "Get out of here!"
"It was a Tuesday and raining," Sheldon began. "I woke up feeling peckish and cried for mother who came and gave me a bottle. I looked at her in confusion and she encouraged me to drink but it tasted nothing like her breast milk and that rubber nib on my lips couldn't even compare to the soft warmth of her nipple—"
"Okay, okay, I believe you," Penny laughed as they got to their floor.
"Never doubt me," he said seriously, his blue eyes briefly catching her own.
"Well, I hope you find another job soon," she said as she pulled out her keys.
"I'll consider my options in the morning. Right now I'm late for vintage game night."
Both doors opened and closed.
Inside the apartment Penny tossed her mail and purse on the couch and proceeded into the bedroom to strip for her shower.
I wonder what he's gonna do? She couldn't really say what the market was on physicists but she knew getting another job wasn't as simple as going to the local job bank.
"Wanted, physicist. Must use big words and be totally dorky. Kite flying an asset," she giggled as she stepped into the tub. Immediately a warmth came to her cheeks. She wasn't picking on Dr. C; he was what he was: a totally anal and awkward genius with a thing for trains. A frown came to her as she shampooed her hair as she thought about how Kurt had treated him. Of course, Dr. C kicked his ass so there!
Penny had no idea whether to believe her neighbor about the memory thing but he didn't strike her as the kind who joked around much. Thinking back to her earliest memory she recalled her father and uncle digging around the farm house. There was a board to walk across the chasm directly into the house and she'd often stand on it and peer into the trench to see what was going on.
After her shower the waitress put on her comfy pajamas and housecoat. Suddenly recalling Sheldon's commentary from the stairwell she smiled.
"I'm feeling a tad peckish myself."
She ventured into the kitchen and put on the kettle for her ramen noodles.
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"Finally," Penny mumbled under her breath as she spotted the elevator repair truck outside the apartment building. Not that she was out of shape but after slogging long hours at the restaurant her tired legs and achy feet longed for the elevator's smooth ride to the fourth floor.
As she gathered her mail she noted the parcels for Sheldon on the table. Since the night they'd walked up together she'd seen neither hide nor hair of the physicist.
That was two weeks ago.
She scooped up his packages and mounted the stairs.
"Comics North, American Railroaders Association"—oh joy more trains!—"and Amazon. God this guy shops more than I do." She paused as she thought about her closet of shoes and clothes. "Well, maybe not that much, but close."
Rounding the corner Penny was nearly bowled over by the smell of cooked eggs. With each step towards 4A the smell increased. Between the javex and now this she was running out of scented candles in the apartment.
"Wonder if there's something in the neighbor relations manual about stinking up the place?" Of course it wasn't a combination of ether and ammonia like she smelled in her brother's shack at the back of the property so at least she knew Dr. C. wasn't cooking meth.
Her phone rang and she juggled the packages from her right to her left arm and dug it out from her purse.
"Hello?" she said.
"…Sorry babe, wrong number." CLICK.
Kurt.
Penny set Sheldon's packages beside his door where she'd placed all the other packages she'd gathered over the weeks. She knocked at the door.
"More packages, Dr. C. They're piling up out here."
Frowning, she entered her apartment and flumped down on the couch. Immediately she blocked Kurt's number.
'Babe'. That's what he called her. What he used to call her in the old days, better days when they'd first come to L.A. with dreams of being so much better.
"Rat bastard," she growled.
Penny scrolled through her contacts list to 'Doug'. He was a surfer guy she'd met at the beach. Maybe what she needed was thirty six hours of mindless sex to finally get Kurt out of her head.
"Hello Doug? It's Penny. We met at the beach. … Yeah, I'm doing good. Listen, I was wondering if…."
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Penny stepped into elevator exhausted but tension free. The weekend was wild and Doug was an excellent lover but at the end of the day this was all their 'relationship' was ever going to be. So they spent the morning doing the dance of awkward smiles and insincere 'I'll call you's as both knew they'd never top this glorious weekend.
The elevator opened and she saw a young guy set one of Sheldon's parcel's down on the pile. He smiled awkwardly at the waitress before he and his buddy tore down the stairs. Quickly Penny made a mental count of the packages—they were all still there—before opening her door. In two trips she'd gathered the parcels and brought them in. After writing Sheldon a note telling him to see her about his deliveries she stuck it to his door. She listened but there wasn't even the sound of a tv. Maybe he's gone? Only there was the egg thing Friday. Penny yawned as she went to her bedroom. She felt she could sleep for a thousand years.
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As the elevator neared the floor Penny could hear a man talking in the hall. Just as the doors opened she caught Sheldon's door closing. The young man wearing a yellow short sleeve shirt and blue jeans smiled at her.
"Hold the elevator," he said lightly.
"Excuse me, but were you just talking to Dr. Cooper?"
"Yeah. I was just making a delivery." It was then that Penny noticed a logo on the man's shirt for 'PJ's Pet Shop'.
Nice to know he's still alive. "Ah, okay. Well, have a good one," she said and let the man go. She went to 4A and knocked.
"Dr. C, you've got another package."
Nothing.
Penny put her ear to the door and could hear Sheldon moving around so he was obviously ignoring her.
She shifted his package to her other arm so she could fish out her keys from her purse and get into her apartment. She set the package down on the pile of parcels she had beside the television. Granted, there hadn't been any deliveries in ten days but they did take up a lot of room. A scowl came to her face as she thought about the pet guy. How come Dr. C will talk to him but not me? Obviously the physicist wasn't opening the door for conventional reasons.
"Time to think in 'whackese'," chuckled Penny as her phone rang. She checked the screen and grinned as it was her agent.
"Hello? … Great. … Sure I can do commercials. … Alright. … Nine fifteen. Okay, thanks."
Penny hung up and was about to call her mother when their previous conversation came to mind. Instead she called Gwen.
"Hey girlie. Go another audition on Friday. … Yeah. I'll have to ask Marie if she'll switch shifts with me. … I dunno, do you think I should wear the pink one or the yellow?"
Penny walked to her bedroom, leaving behind all thoughts of Sheldon and his parcels.
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"I hear ya, sister," mumbled Penny before munching on a couple of potato chips as she watched another model get evicted on America's Next Top Model. For the past week she'd gone to work and then come home to junk food and cable television. Another audition without a callback. It was getting to be too much. She'd like to blame all this negative energy on Kurt but it wasn't like she was acting before they broke up. No, this was solely Penny's fault for having her father's feet and being 'too perky'.
"If only I could have a break. Just one break. That's all I need," she said with a sigh.
The axed model was in tears as she gave her exiting remarks but it was the fierceness to her eyes that halted Penny in mid-chew.
"I don't give a *beep* what they said I'm going to make it," growled the model. "You haven't seen the last of me."
"You're right," Penny said, her heart suddenly feeling lighter than it had in a week. She rolled up the bag of chips and set it on the coffee table before getting up and dusting off any crumbs. Her smile became crooked as she looked around the apartment: clothes covered the floor, rum bottles and cola cans on the coffee table, empty Ben and Jerry's containers and Ruffles chips bags on the counter.
"Time to get your ass in gear, Penny-girl."
Her eyes rested on the pile of parcels and an idea struck her. Grabbing her laptop she sat on the couch and began typing, frequently looking up words on the thesaurus. She had the 'net until the end of the month and then she couldn't afford it. She wanted her cable.
After looking over the document Penny crossed the hall to apartment 4A. She could hear the tv on and so she knocked.
"Dr. Cooper?"
The tv turned off. She waited but no one came to the door.
"Ahem. This document advises the Space Taker, hereby known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper, that the Space Owner—me—has informed him both in writing and verbally that she has been storing his crap in her apartment so it doesn't get stolen. If said property is not removed pronto I will begin charging a storage fee of ten dollars per day until the end of the month at which time the property will be sold for monies owing. Furthermore, should—"
The door opened and Sheldon stood before her wearing a light blue Bat-Man t-shirt over a green thermal and khaki pants. The rest of the apartment was dark save for darts of luminous lights around the room.
"I never signed nor verbally agreed to such a contract so it is null and void," he said with a bit of a Texas twang. "If anything I could have you charged with theft for taking my packages without prior notification and consent." In response Penny pointed to the note on his door. "Oh," he said after reading it. "Well alright then."
"Besides, for your information I stopped two guys from making off with your packages," said Penny as she closed her laptop.
"You approached them by yourself?"
The waitress shrugged. "It was no big deal."
"Penny, your Mid-Western instincts should not be followed here. While you are brawny for a woman averaging one hundred and twenty pounds—"
"Hey! One hundred and ten."
Sheldon cocked his head. "I see; your self worth is intrinsically linked to your weight."
"Anyhoo, back to your stuff," growled Penny.
"Yes, your blatant appropriation of my mail."
She rolled her eyes. "You could always say 'thank you'."
"I haven't received my packages to determine their condition," sniffed the physicist. "For all I know they could have been tampered with—"
"They haven't been 'tampered with'," she glared before turning sharply and stomping into her apartment.
"Good, because I still possess my 'Junior G-Man' fingerprint kit."
Sheldon heard Penny mutter "Whackadoodle" before she returned with an armful of packages.
"This is load one," she said as she transferred them to the lanky man. As Sheldon set them on the coffee table she took a moment to look around the room, noting the lawn chair furniture, television and—"Oh my God are those glowy things fish?"
"Yes," he said. He spotted her feet precariously close to the apartment's entrance. "Don't come in." Penny noted his eyes on her flip-flops and she took a step back.
"But they're glowing!" she gasped as he came to the door.
"Luminous. I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals so it was a simple extrapolation to fish." He took in his neighbor's stunned expression. "Parcels. Chop chop."
She darted into her apartment and returned with the rest of his mail.
"It's like fairyland in there," she cooed.
"I assure you there's no magic here," scoffed Sheldon as he deposited the rest of the parcels on the floor by his lawn chair. "What you're witnessing is but a dabbling into the softer sciences. This doesn't hold a candle to particle physics."
She stared at the living lights. "You're like one of those beautiful mind genius guys, aren't you?" Penny said in awe.
Sheldon paused before taking a bowl with a luminous blue goldfish and presenting it to the Nebraskan.
"This will suffice as compensation for you housing my mail?"
Penny was stunned as she took the bowl. "How do I care for it?"
"Aside from its coloration it's a standard goldfish."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he said and with that closed the door.
The waitress took the fish back to her apartment. She moved aside the clutter on her coffee table and set down the bowl. With a giggle she turned off the lights and returned to the couch to sit and watch her new pet. The goldfish was blue like the flame on her dad's welder or a Christmas light bulb. Or Dr. C's eyes. Penny smirked. Okay his eyes weren't that blue but they were intense.
She stared at the fish.
She didn't give a damn what he called himself. Sheldon Cooper was a magician.
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Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Dr. C? Penny flipped back her covers and quickly got out of bed. Blearily she noted the time as she got into her housecoat and made her way to the door. Never in the entire time she'd known him did Sheldon come to her for anything.
"What's wrong?" she asked as she opened the door.
"Nothing's wrong," replied the lanky man. "It's protocol to knock on a door in order to alert the occupant that someone's waiting to engage in a social exchange."
"It's eight am."
Sheldon checked his watch. "Eight fourteen. I suggest resetting your clocks. Now if we've concluded the banal chit-chat we can proceed to the purpose of my call." He handed her a booklet complete with laminated cover.
"'Care of Luminous Goldfish'," she read. He picked up a large jug of water that was by his feet.
"You need to change the water daily. Use this and refill immediately as it has to stand for twenty four hours before use."
Penny took the jug. "Uh, thanks."
"I've also brought you some food. Please refer to the feeding chapter for amounts and frequency."
Penny set down water and food on coffee table. "Thanks Dr. C."
"Dr. Cooper."
Penny smiled at him. "You know I used him like a night light."
Sheldon nodded. "Sound application."
"I call him Dr. Sea. You know, like the ocean, 'cause it also sounds like you."
"Be sure to read the manual," he said with a twitchy mouth before returning to his apartment.
"Better be able to train the fish to wake up at eleven," said the waitress as she locked the door and went back to bed.
XxX
Sheldon's Log. Stardate 060810
I equipped Penny with provisions and a goldfish reference manual. Given her folksy vernacular I made sure the manual was written at a junior high level of literacy, providing detailed illustrations where appropriate.
She named her goldfish 'Dr. Sea'—an obvious pun on my name as she insists on referring to me as 'Dr. C' despite my protests. Still it does provide me with a whimsical brand name should I decide to produce a line of fish night lights.
Bowel movements normal.
Temperature normal.
End Log.
Sheldon put away his book, turned off his reading lamp and settled into bed. He stared at the fish on his night table that glowed like kryptonite or playful green eyes.
He put on his sleep mask and slept.
xTBBTx
Penny came out of her apartment to see Sheldon locking up.
"Hey Dr. C," she said brightly.
"I could have sworn we negotiated a pact of non-conversation," the physicist said with pursed lips as he neared the elevator.
"Null and void. I didn't sign it." The waitress pressed the elevator button.
"It was verbal."
"Prove it." A twitch passed over Sheldon's face as the doors opened and they entered. "So where you off to?"
"The grocery store. Grocery Gateway forgot my oatmeal in its delivery."
"Then have something different."
Sheldon snorted. "An' then we cain all whup 'round the fahr 'cause daddy shot us dinner."
Penny laughed. "You're from Texas?"
"East Texas. Galveston."
"Kewlies. I'm from Washington County which is just outside of Omaha."
"A Cornhusker."
"Born and raised." The elevator opened and they stepped out into the lobby. "I'm off for groceries too. You can come if you like."
"I've already got my bus pants on."
"Bus pants?" asked Penny. The pair exited the building and headed to her car.
"A second pair put over the first to protect against germs, gum and whatnot when one is taking the bus," Sheldon explained.
"Of course," his companion said with a little smile.
Sheldon adjusted his backpack. "Which grocery store are you going to? The Grocer Mart has a better meat selection but manhandles its vegetables."
"I'm off to Market Square." Penny unlocked her car and got in.
"The Market Square is neither a market nor a square," sniffed the physicist.
"Suit yourself." Penny started the engine.
Sheldon paused before opening the passenger door.
"I suppose I can see what these hippies pass off for oatmeal," he said as he got in.
"Not wiping down the seat?" Penny lightly teased as she put the car in gear and drove off. "Ah wait. Bus pants."
"Indeed," replied Sheldon as he cleaned his hands with sanitizer. He glanced at the dash and frowned. "I see you haven't had your engine checked."
"Been kinda busy lately." She changed lanes and picked up speed to beat the light.
"There's nothing more important than safety," gasped Sheldon as he sat back in his seat. "Good Lord woman you're going to get us killed!"
"No I'm not. Quit overreacting."
"'Overreacting'? Penny, we're driving at—sixty?!" He turned to her. "The speed limit's fifty. Twenty five when we hit the business district."
"I know that."
"No, obviously you don't since we're going ten miles over the limit," countered Sheldon.
"I'm going with the flow of traffic. It's no biggie."
"You're right; combined with your propensity to tailgate it's downright catastrophic." He caught her rolling her eyes. "Just taking into consideration speed alone we're traveling eighty eight feet per second. If the vehicle deceleration rate is twenty feet per second per second then stopping time equals eighty eight divided by twenty or four point four seconds. Since there is a two second delay in driver recognition and reaction time the total time to stop is six point four seconds. Furthermore"— He sucked in a breath as a car suddenly merged into their lane causing Penny to put on the brakes and honk her horn.
"Jerkface!" She glanced over and caught Sheldon's white pallor. "See? No problem with reaction time."
"We haven't even taken into account the weight of your vehicle which I'd estimate at— Oh look, there's a new putt-putt course!"
"You golf?" Penny signaled and turned onto a side street.
Sheldon nodded. "At least once a summer mother would drop Missy and me at Magic Carpet Golf to play the back nine which had a jungle-like setting."
"So who won?" The Nebraskan pulled into the parking lot behind the grocery store.
"I did, naturally." He scowled at her snort. "Golf is a game of angles."
Both of them got out of the car and proceeded to the store entrance.
"And with his trusty ruler Captain Math once again ruled the day," grinned Penny.
"Mock me if you will," he sniffed. "But mathematics is the key to understanding the universe."
"Okay, so how many seconds are there in a year?" She went to pull out a cart but Sheldon stopped her.
"Thirty one million five hundred thirty six thousand," he said instantly as he wiped the cart handle with an antibacterial cloth.
"Nope. Twelve: January second, February second, March second…."
"Seconds as an allusion to dates instead of a literalism to a unit of time." Sheldon let out a gaspy laugh causing Penny to smile in amusement. "So what are you getting here?"
"A few things," she said as she turned into the pasta aisle.
"You don't have a list?" he asked incredulously. "How can you shop effectively without a list?"
Penny shrugged. "I just think about what I'd like to eat, see what I can afford and meet in the middle."
"What about nutrition?" tsked her companion.
"Oh, I take vitamins for that."
"Penny, Penny, Penny. Vitamins are a waste. Adequate nutrition provides more than enough vitamins." He noted her putting a case of ramen noodles in the cart. "Although in your case 'adequate' doesn't even begin to describe your eating habits."
Penny rolled her eyes and continued to shop.
XxX
"I'm not buying thirty five years worth of tampons," she snapped as she unlocked her door.
"In the long run it'd be more cost effective and—"
"Later Doc." She closed the door.
"Doctor Cooper," he amended, annoyed both at her abrupt departure and further abbreviation of his title. He wasn't a 'Doc' he was a scientist. A theoretical physicist.
Sheldon entered his apartment and cleaned himself off before setting the bag of oatmeal on the counter. He then changed and washed up before returning to fill the oatmeal container and toss out the package. After grabbing a bottled water from the refrigerator he sat in his lawn chair and turned on the television. His eyes drifted to the coffee table where upon was an assortment of papers, a writing pad and pen. At the far left was an envelope with a beautifully scripted 'Dr. Sheldon Cooper' and a postmark from Galveston. He turned over the envelope so as to hide the familiar writing only to be faced with Meemaw's hand-written return address. Sheldon placed the pad over the letter and in that moment another paper was uncovered:
I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, am submitting a formal notice of lease termination for 2311 N. Los Robles Avenue apartment 4A as of September 30, 2006.
If you wish to schedule an inspection of the property to ensure that you are satisfied with its condition you may call me….
xTBBTx
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