Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Luminous Fish Effect'; 'The White Asparagus Triangulation'; 'The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation'; 'The Dumpling Paradox'; 'The Staircase Implimentation'
Reference to: 'Pilot'; 'The Rhinitis Revelation'; 'The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem'; 'The Plimpton Stimulation'; 'The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification'; 'The Bad Fish Paradigm'
xTBBTx
"Alright sweetie I've got your soup in a bowl with saran wrap in the refrigerator," said Penny as she was in the middle of tying her hair in a ponytail.
"You're sure you have to go?" Sheldon sniffled from his lawn chair.
"I have to honor some of the cheques I write," she chuckled as she picked up her purse.
"You can always claim ill dependent."
She turned to him. "And how are you my dependent?"
"We're neighbors. I'm dependent on you while I'm convalescing. I don't see the problem," he said with a slight frown.
"The problem is that neighbor-to-neighbor relationships don't hold wind in the eyes of my employer."
"That's prejudiced."
"They just don't understand our love," she said sweetly, garnering a glare. "See ya."
Penny locked Sheldon's door and proceeded into the elevator. All in all, yesterday ended up being more memorable than her party. Once Sheldon woke up from his nap she was inundated with text messages for food, damp wash cloths and, though he'd never admit it, company. He was beyond fussy at times but after setting him straight regarding her refusal to give him a sponge bath he settled down.
She exited the building, hopped into her car and drove to work. One bright side to doing the day shift at the restaurant was that traffic wasn't as nuts as it was in the afternoon.
"Hey Pete," Penny called out to one of the cooks as she entered the kitchen at the Cheesecake Factory.
"Hello gorgeous," he grinned without looking up from the beef he was slicing.
After readying herself and clocking in Penny made for the kiosk to start her shift.
"Manager wants to see ya," said Janet.
The Nebraskan went to the bar where Trevor was chatting with the bartender.
"You wanted to see me?" she asked cautiously.
"You bet," replied Trevor. "Relax, you're not in trouble." He flashed a toothy grin. "Here's the deal: the new bartender isn't working out so we need a backup."
"O-kay, but I'm not a bartender."
"We were hoping that you'd take the course." Penny's heart jumped. "It's completely optional since you'd have to foot fifty percent of the bill." Her heart sank. "But it allows you to bartend anywhere in California. As for now the bartending position comes with a two dollar an hour raise plus tips so the nights we need you should cover your expense—"
"I'll do it," Penny gushed.
"Awesome. Let me know if we need to change your schedule to fit in your classes."
Penny was all smiles as she left to start her shift. Given her interest in trying new drinks she flirted with the idea of becoming a bartender but preferred to spend her hard earned money on acting classes. After all, she was here to be a star not a bartender.
She gathered her orders and was in the middle of entering them into the kiosk when an agitated Bernadette came to her.
"Penny, after you finish you've got a call at the bar. They said it's an emergency," the diminutive woman said worriedly.
Penny flew through her orders before dashing to the bar. Dad have a farming accident? Greg blow himself up in a meth lab?
Breathlessly she took the phone.
"Hello? …So? …I can't do it here!"
She sighed before taking a look around to see if the coast was clear.
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur; happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr."
With another sigh Penny hung up the phone and turned to see the bartender staring at her curiously.
"My brother's kid. He's really sick and, uh, wouldn't settle down," she explained before dashing back to work.
xTBBTx
Sheldon checked the time on his laptop. Penny would be home from work soon and he wanted a grilled cheese to go along with his soup. Granted his flu-like symptoms had abated; he no longer had a fever or nauseous feeling but he still felt a little lightheaded when he blew his nose and felt extremely cold from time to time.
He heard the door open and the sound of two women laughing. Immediately he frowned. The last thing he needed while his immune system was busy was an introduction of more foreign germs.
"I'm not sure where you're gonna stay." Penny's voice.
"Don't yuh worry. Ah've done my share of campin' out when I was younger. 'Specially durin' tornado season."
Sheldon's mouth dropped and he quickly closed and set aside his laptop and popped out of bed. He came into the living room rubbing his eye.
"Mommy?" he said, both surprised and confused.
"Hello baby," Mary cooed as she crossed over and gave him a hug. Sheldon stared at Penny over her shoulder.
'You called my mother?' he mouthed. Penny shrugged but to his mind didn't seem to be apologetic in the least.
"Penny tells me yuh got yuhrself under the weather," Mary went on. "How are yuh feelin'?"
"My head still feels funny," Sheldon replied in a pouty voice. It took Penny a lot of fortitude to keep from giggling at the change from arrogant physicist to mommy's sucky baby.
Mary put her hand on his forehead. "No fever. Have yuh eaten yet?" He shook his head. "Well then yuh get yurhself into bed an' after ah get settled ah'll make yuh a grilled cheese an' chicken soup."
"With little stars in it?" he sniffled.
"Always Shelly." The physicist again stared at Penny, this time with a 'See? With stars in it too!' look. "Let's get yuh tucked in."
Both mother and son disappeared around the corner.
Penny shook her head and with a big grin left the Coopers to their own devices.
XxX
With two bags of groceries in hand Penny opened Sheldon's door and entered the apartment.
"Hello darlin'," Mary smiled as she was in the middle of chopping vegetables. "Successful trip?"
"Got everything you asked for, although it took me a bit to find the dry split peas. Not exactly something in my cupboard," Penny replied as she set down the groceries and sprayed her feet.
"Ah see Shelly's still adherin' tuh his cleanliness regime," the East Texan chuckled.
"Was he always like this?" Penny asked as she brought the groceries to the kitchen and proceeded to put away what required refrigeration.
"As soon as he was able tuh actively assert himself." Mary chuckled. "Ah remember he took some stuff from the pantry tuh mix together an' I thought he was imitatin' me cookin'. Turns out he made a cleanin' agent from vinegar, bakin' soda an' lemon juice and went on tuh clean his bedroom an' toys."
"Wow. How old was he?"
"Three. He'd been watchin' one of those science-y shows on the television." Mary put the vegetables into a frying pan and set it on the stove to heat. "There'd be fights nearly everyday at four o'clock what with Shelly's Proton show on an' Missy tormentin' her brother by wantin' tuh watch anythin' but."
"Missy his younger sister?"
"His twin." The Nebraskan's jaw dropped.
"Two Shellys. That's just—wow."
Mary laughed. "Now don't be worryin'. Missy an' Shelly are like day an' night. She's right personable an' compared to Shelly dumb as soup."
"I have a feeling most of us are dumb as soup next to him."
"Sit yuhrself down," Mary said. "No point standin' when yuh can be sittin'." Penny pulled one of the lawn chairs over to sit closer to the kitchen while Mrs. Cooper stirred the rice in the pot of boiling water. "It's like ah always say: Shelly has muh eyes an' his daddy's temper. All the science-y stuff comes from Jesus. Now yuh'll be havin' dinner here tonight. Ah'm sorry it'll just be a mix of veggies an' chicken with rice but the only thing ah recognized in the fridge in the line of sauce was the bottle of Chinese ketchup," indicating the soy sauce with her eyes.
"Sounds terrific," Penny replied. All she had on tap at her place was a cup of ramen noodles.
"Ah have tuh say it's been thrillin' tuh meet yuh, Penny. Shelly's always had troubles makin' friends. Lord knows ah've cleaned him up after many an ass whuppin'."
"Poor guy."
Mary smirked. "Now don't be sympathizin' too much. About ninety percent of them came about 'cause he went around pointin' out how smart he was and how dumb they were."
"At least he's grown out of that phase." The two women laughed.
"Ah remember he built himself a so-called 'sonic death ray'. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids though it did piss our dog off to no end."
"No death rays here," chuckled Penny. "Only ponchos and placemats."
"When did he get the fish?"
" I think he was experimenting with them about three months ago." Mary's eyes widened. "He wasn't torturing them or anything. He was just, I dunno, sciencing them."
"Lord knows we don't need another Snowball incident."
"Snowball?"
"Missy's guinea pig. Shelly got it in his head tuh build himself a cat scanner an' used the poor creature as his first patient. The machine accidently set it on fire and Shelly got himself sent tuh the hospital with radiation burns."
"Crap on a cracker," breathed Penny.
"It's why when things are hopeless we always say that we've got a Snowball's chance in a cat scanner," Mary laughed as she got a paper towel and cleaned off the counter. "So where are yuh from?"
"Nebraska."
"An' what brought yuh here?"
"I'm an actress."
"Ah. Have ah seen yuh in anythin'?"
"Um, not yet. Someday though."
Mary nodded her head knowingly. "Ah get where yuh're from. It's always nice tuh have a dream tuh follow."
"Yes Ma'am."
"Now yuh go wash up. Dinner's gonna be in five."
Penny moved the chair back to its position and went to the washroom. When she returned Mary was serving food onto plates.
"For yuh."
"Smells terrific," grinned the waitress as she took a fork from the drawer and sat down in the lawn chair.
Mary went to the refrigerator for a bottled water and handed it to Penny. "Wait 'til Shelly's better an' ah'll make us some chicken fried steak."
"I'm vegetarian," said Penny. "But I love steak." Mary cracked a smile but said nothing.
The sounds of footsteps came down the hall until Sheldon disappeared into the washroom.
"Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the State my heart got lost in," he said. With a grin Penny looked to the washroom door. "And shake twice for Texas."
Wow. The Nebraskan took a sip of water and began to eat.
The washroom door opened and the physicist made his way to the living room only to stop dead as he gawked at his neighbor.
"What are you doing?" he gasped.
"What?" replied Penny with her mouth full.
"Shelly, mind yurh manners," warned his mother.
"But she's eating off my plate and putting my fork into her mouth! For all I know she has hepatitis!" Sheldon squawked.
"Hey!" growled Penny.
"Shelly enough!" snapped Mary. The room was silent. "First of all Penny is a guest in yuhr home. And how do we treat guests?"
"Like family," Sheldon mumbled.
"And we do it with?"
"A smile."
Mary frowned at her son and he turned to Penny and gave a smile so strained if it had buttons they would have flown off and hit the far wall.
"You moved my chair," he Joker-grinned, his eyes boring into her head. For her part Penny pushed the chair back an inch or so with her feet and stared at him innocently. With hands curled into fists at his side Sheldon stepped past her and settled into his own chair, still smiling but his glare murderous.
"This is terrific," Penny said cheerily as she harpooned a piece of chicken.
"Thank yuh darlin'," smiled Mary as she brought Sheldon his plate and fork. She returned for her own plate and pulled out Sheldon's computer chair and moved it to join the others around the coffee table. She sat down and closed her eyes.
"Dear Lord," she said sincerely. Immediately Penny froze her mouth in mid chew. "Mary Cooper here in the land of the heathen come to spend time with Shelly and his friend."
"My neighbor," amended Sheldon.
"Whatever. Anyways, we'd like to thank yuh right proper for what we're about to receive. By Yurh hand we are all…."
"Fed," Sheldon said dejectedly.
"Give us, Lord, our daily…."
"Bread."
"Please know that we are truly…."
"Grateful."
"For every cup an' every…."
"Plateful."
"Amen," grinned Mary and began to eat.
Out of the corner of her eye Penny stared at Sheldon sympathetically as he sat still, head lowered (she knew it wasn't because he was praying), before raising a forkful of stir fry to his mouth.
"So," Mary said after a while. "Penny here tells me that yuh lost yuhr job." Immediately Sheldon stopped chewing and scowled at his neighbor.
"You told her?" he said angrily.
"Shelly, ah am yuhr mother. Yuh should have told me yuhrself." Mary set her fork down on her plate. "What did yuh say this time?"
Sheldon was indignant. "Only the truth." Mary closed her eyes and shook her head. "Since you told me not to lie this is all your fault."
"Don't be sassin' 'cause ah have no problems puttin' yuh over muh knee." Both Coopers stared at each other defiantly.
"So, what's the plan?" Penny said overenthusiastically with a forced smile.
"Shelly here's goin' tuh the university an' apologizin' to whomever he insulted," Mary said fixedly.
"I'm doin' no such thing," Sheldon fired back with a bit of a twang. "I'm not returning to an institution that would hire a third-rate researcher with all of the classifications of a high school science teacher to be my department head."
"You didn't tell him that did you?" gasped Penny.
"Well it's not like he was hiding his résumé," shrugged the physicist.
"Wow."
"Now what did ah tell yuh? It's okay tuh be smarter than everyone else but it's not okay tuh rub peoples' noses in it," snapped Mary. "Now yuh're gonna go an' apologize tuh yurh boss."
"No."
"Ah'm sorry. Did ah say 'if it please yuhr highness?'" Again Sheldon stared at his plate, his mouth trembling in anger.
"As a bright side, if you get your job back you can keep your apartment," Penny added.
"Yuh're havin' money problems?" asked Mary. Her son gave a big sigh and turned to his neighbor.
"Is there anything else you think she should know?" he said crisply.
"Well he did get an offer by this guy Leonard to be his roommate," Penny said slowly. "Leonard's a scientist like him so I—"
"'A scientist like me'?" Sheldon caught his mother's scowl and clamped his mouth shut.
"Why that sounds nice," Mary said.
"Your logic is flawed. If I get my job back I won't need a roommate."
"Yeah but you're pretty much tapped out, Dr. C," Penny pointed out. "If you room with Leonard it'll give you a chance to get your savings back."
"Not tuh mention it'd be good for yuh tuh have some company," added Mary. Sheldon snorted.
"Yes, like I've already had a bounty of fortune having Penny in my life what with getting sick and almost beaten up and her calling you." Both women glared at him. "I know little about Dr. Hofstadter save that he's an experimental physicist who recognizes my genius, collects comic books and plays Halo."
"He sounds like a match made in heaven," Mary said.
"But what if his idiosyncrasies are too eccentric and extreme to be tolerated?"
Penny's eyes widened in disbelief while Mary smiled lovingly at her son.
"Ah'm sure he'll be fine, Shelly. But yuh've gotta remember that there'll be two of yuh so yuh won't be rulin' the roost." She ate the last of her stir fry. "'Sides, it'll give yuh an opportunity tuh learn how tuh compromise."
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Please. Compromise is a stalling between two fools."
"But a fool has his rent money an' savin's in his account," countered Mary. "Now who's up for a quick apple crumble?" She rose from the chair and proceeded to the kitchen.
Sheldon leaned towards Penny.
"You'll excuse yourself and leave," he hissed.
"Penny?" asked Mary as she put on the oven mitts.
"I'd love some," she replied as she stared at Sheldon with a pumpkin grin on her face. "You gotta get used to people sometime, Dr. C," she whispered.
For his part Sheldon got up and brought his plate to the counter and took the first piece of apple crumble and disappeared down the hall to his room. Immediately Penny felt like shit.
"Maybe I should go," she said hesitantly.
"Nonesense." Mary took the two plates of crumble and brought them to the coffee table. "Muh husband, God rest his soul, always said yuh gots tuh take yuhr time with Shelly." She took Penny's empty plate and brought it to the kitchen. "You ever hunt?"
"With my dad."
"Think of Shelly as a baby deer. Yuh gots tuh approach him right or he'll spook."
Penny chuckled. "I guess I spooked him."
"It's alright," Mary said amusedly. "Yuh got him goin' in the right direction."
xTBBTx
Penny's feet thumped on the sidewalk as she neared the end of her jog. Normally she didn't run on Fridays but last night at her usual dance club had been a wash. The tunes were hopping and she did boogie a bit but since she cut herself off at three drinks she began to lose interest in the whole affair as her friends and friendly male-folk got steadily drunker. She excused herself and took a cab home.
As she stopped in front of her building the elevator doors opened and she saw Mary and Sheldon step out. Immediately Penny was intrigued since her neighbor wasn't wearing a cartoony t-shirt but rather a conservative burgundy knitted collared shirt to go with his grey khakis and brown dress shoes.
"Hey!" Penny said cheerily as she entered the lobby. "Woo hoo, lookin' good, Dr. C." Instead of throwing the expected scowl Sheldon merely closed his eyes as if this were another part of a nightmare that wouldn't end.
The Nebraskan didn't like this.
"Good mornin' Penny," said Mary with a pleasant smile. "Yuh're up early."
"Yeah. I needed to get a run in before work." Mary nodded. "So where are you two off to?"
"The university tuh see Shelly's boss."
"Dr. Gablehauser isn't my 'boss'. I don't work there," Sheldon amended.
"Now leave the quibblin' tuh the quibblers," his mother said dismissingly. Sheldon rolled his eyes but said nothing.
"Oh, okay. Well I hope things go well," Penny said.
"They will. Jesus wanted Shelly tuh be a scientist so that's that."
"I hope that won't be the argument you present to Dr. Gablehauser," tsked Sheldon.
"Ah'm not sayin' a word. This is yuhr mess tuh clean, Shelly. Ah'm just givin' yuh the opportunity tuh make things right." Sheldon opened his mouth to speak. "An' we had the talk on what's right an' what's right is yuh apologizin' an' askin' for yuhr job back not lordin' yuhrself over everyone's head."
"Break a leg, Dr. C," Penny said encouragingly.
"I should be so fortunate," he sighed as he held the door open for his mother to exit before following her out.
As Penny turned she heard Mary ask Sheldon why she called him 'Dr. C' but for the life of her couldn't hear his response. She entered the elevator and pressed for her floor. She pulled out her keys from around her neck and when the doors opened she stepped into the hall. Since Sheldon had been sick he hadn't been cleaning his outer door so the usual javex smell was only a fraction of its usual potency. Of course if things didn't go well and Sheldon moved out she wouldn't have to spend a fortune on vanilla candles.
She opened her apartment and entered but stopped short of closing her door as she took in the door of 4A. Sheldon had to be the weirdest person she'd ever met and yet when she thought about it she was glad they did meet.
Penny closed the door.
"Please get your job back," she sighed before heading off to the shower.
XxX
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
The Nebraskan jumped up from the couch and raced to the door.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Hey Dr. C!" she chimed as she opened her door to see her neighbor before her with some papers in hand.
For his part Sheldon seemed at a loss. Penny could read in his eyes that some sort of dilemma was occurring.
"What?" she asked hesitantly.
His hand moved casually to the doorframe and she could hear three little knocks.
"Penny," he tried to whisper inconspicuously.
"Greeting over?" she asked. He gave a slight nod. "Good. So?! How'd it go?"
"First of all my mother wanted to know if you would…join us…for what she calls a 'celebratory supper' as—"
"You got it!" Penny squealed and wrapped her arms around Sheldon, pinning his own to his sides.
Inside 4A Mary looked up from the kitchen counter to see her son standing stroke stiff in Penny's embrace.
"Well, isn't this interestin'," the East Texan muttered to herself.
Out in the hall Sheldon gave a little sigh.
"While I appreciate your enthusiasm if you could refrain from mauling me—"
Immediately Penny broke the hug.
"Sorry, sorry," she said quickly although with a big ass grin on her face. "So what happened?"
"I'm not sure. Mother and I arrived at Dr. Gablehauser's office. I apologized for calling him an idiot; he gave me my job back and sent me to my office." He cocked his head. "In other news mother told me they're going out for dinner tomorrow evening."
"Seriously?" the waitress gasped.
"Of course I'm serious." He checked his watch. "As dinner won't be for another forty five minutes I'll expect you over in half an hour—plenty of time for you to fill out this questionnaire."
"Uh, thanks." Penny took the proffered papers. "What's it for?"
"It occurred to me while watching you eat that I know nothing about your medical history. Now even was I to take your word that you don't have hepatitis as a waitress your exposure to the public leaves you vulnerable to many communicable ailments."
"Seriously?" she said, this time crisply.
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Why do you find it necessary to confirm my statements? At any rate I'll leave you to it as you'll need to search your abode for your immunization records." He smiled awkwardly and departed.
Immunization records? Penny began reading the first sheet as she closed her door.
xTBBTx
There was a knock at the door and Sheldon grabbed his clip board and got off his computer chair. He checked his watch. Leonard said that he'd be here at six pm and it was five fifty eight. Sheldon's nose wrinkled as he made a note on Leonard's application.
Out in the hall Leonard noted the shadow of Sheldon's feet under the door and wondered if he should knock again. He checked his watch—five fifty nine—and rolled his eyes. Oh for the love of—
"So where do you think Penny lives?" Howard asked.
"She said she was his neighbor so I'd guess across the hall," Raj replied with a shrug.
"Guess we'll find out soon enough with Agent Hofstadter infiltrating the Pasadena hoo-ha house," chuckled the engineer, garnering a glare from Leonard.
The door opened and Sheldon appeared.
"Come in," he said evenly. "But stay on the mat." Leonard did as he was told but Sheldon held out his clipboard to stop the others.
"What?" said Raj.
"This was an appointment for Dr. Hofstadter. Your presence here is neither required nor desired."
"They're going to be here sometime, Dr. Cooper," Leonard said gently. "At the very least they're moving me in so it's best they get a look at the layout." Sheldon thought this through.
"Alright. Stay on the mat," he warned again before stepping back to let the other enter.
"Do you want us to take off our shoes?" Leonard asked.
"Of course. This is my"—a twitch passed over Sheldon's face as he recalled his mother's words—"a home. Don't forget to disinfect your feet," indicating the can of Lysol on the shelf which Leonard took and began to use. "Am I to infer from this that your friends will be frequenting the apartment?"
"Uh, yeah," the bespectacled man said as he handed Raj the spray before stepping off the mat. Sheldon shook his head once and made a note.
"Not a lot of furniture," said Howard as he took the spray from Raj.
Leonard nodded. "That's okay, I've got a chair and table I can bring over and—"
"I already have chairs and tables," Sheldon countered.
"Dude, they're lawn furnishings and cable spools," snorted Raj.
"Unless you're saying that you're only renting Leonard his room which means a reduction in his portion of the rent," Howard added. "I mean if he paid half he would be allowed to make additions to the common living areas and—"
"We can hammer that out later, Howard," Leonard said soothingly as he took in the tremor to Sheldon's jaw.
"No, Howard's correct. As a full-fledged roommate you are entitled to contribute to the décor of common areas," the East Texan said slowly. "We'll talk about that later when we go over the Roommate Agreement. Now," he tapped his clip board with his pen. "You had passed the three barriers to roommate-hood but from my notes I see there are some things to go over."
"You kept my application?" Leonard said incredulously.
"Of course. It's a document. You said that you needed time to think over taking the apartment."
"But that was over two years ago!"
"You're a stranger. How can I possibly know how long it takes you to think?" shrugged Sheldon. Howard and Raj stared at each other. "So, let me once again show you your room." The four of them went to the hall. "Your bowel movements are still regular?
"Like clockwork," Leonard said.
"Unless he's had dairy," added Howard.
"Shut it, Howard."
Sheldon lowered his clip board.
"Dr. Hofstadter, lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed of as over forty million Americans have the affliction," he said.
"Thank you," Leonard said appreciatively.
"Although you'll have to sign an addendum promising never to knowingly imbibe dairy products within the apartment nor thirty minutes prior to arriving at the apartment," the lanky man added as he stepped ahead to open the door to the spare room.
"'There is nothing wrong with your television'," Howard whispered to Raj. "'Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We control the transmission.'"
The astrophysicist giggled. Sheldon turned to the man with a scowl. The smile vanished from Raj's face and the group entered the room.
XxX
From their lawn chairs Leonard and Sheldon looked hopefully around the room but aside from themselves all they could see was an equally excited Howard and Raj.
As one the boys' mood deflated.
"So much for inventing time travel," sighed Leonard.
"Next is the 'Skynet clause' which obligates assisting a roommate should he require help to destroy an artificial intelligence he's created and that's taking over Earth," said Sheldon as he pointed where Leonard was to initial. "Then there's the 'Matrix clause' where if a roommate is made aware of the matrix and subsequently awoken it is his first priority to find the other roommate and similarly awaken him." Leonard signed them both.
"Boy, you seem to have an obsession with malevolent technology," chuckled Howard.
Sheldon sat back in his seat. "Of course not. As you can see I have a computer and game consoles. I also have a cellular phone, an IPod and my Tamagotchi from nineteen ninety eight is still alive and well. However I also believe that when the robots rise up ATMs will lead the charge." Howard turned to Raj who had a grin on his face. "Now Section seventy four 'C': the various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot. One—"
A frantic knock interrupted him and before he was asked Howard crossed over to the door and opened it. Immediately Penny came inside.
"You mind if I hang out here for a bit?" she asked even as she slipped off her flip-flops and sprayed her feet.
"As you seem to be settling in regardless of my decision I might as well bestow a hearty, 'hello neighbor. Why don't you come in?'" twanged Sheldon.
"Hey Penny, what's up?" asked Leonard as he turned to take in the Nebraskan's perturbed demeanor.
Penny rolled her eyes. "Definitely not my luck. This girl from Omaha I know, Christie, is in my apartment yapping about all the guys she's slept with and it's only been a few hours so I don't know how I'm going to put up with this for who knows how long before she finds a place of her own."
"Just to clarify: she's relating all of the men she's slept with in total, not all the men she's slept with in the past few hours," Howard said with an intensity Penny had never heard.
"She's practically slept with the city of Omaha."
"As fascinating as it is hearing the exploits of your companion Leonard and I have to get back to the Roommate Agreement," Sheldon said firmly.
"Yeah, just a sec," Leonard said distractedly. "So why did you say she could come over if you don't like her?" he asked the waitress.
"I dunno. She was engaged to my cousin while sleeping with my brother so she's kinda family I suppose," Penny shrugged. "Anyways, I'd really appreciate it if"—she turned to close the door and stopped. "Where's Howard?"
"Bon jour mademoiselle," came the engineer's voice from the hall. "I understand you're new in town."
Leonard lowered his head as he used his hand to cover his eyes while Raj began whistling quietly as he went to look out the living room window.
XxX
"Well anyways I suppose we should grab Howard and go," Leonard said sheepishly as he stood and stretched. The lawn chair was murder on his back and he vowed that the first thing he was going to move into the apartment was his chair.
"Yes please," said Penny as Raj and she finished reassembling the DNA model.
"I'll look over the document tomorrow and give you a notarized copy at work on Monday." Sheldon stood and moved to the computer desk. "Show yourselves out. Goodbye."
Leonard and Raj put on their shoes before opening the door. Emanating from across the hall were the muffled sounds of a heavy backbeat and the vocals of Nelly Furtado and Timbaland.
"Crap on a cracker," hissed Penny as she slipped on her flip-flops and marched across and into her apartment.
"'Night Dr. Cooper," Leonard said as he left, followed by Raj who closed the door. The two scientists crossed the hall only to encounter a wide-eyed Penny who gestured for them to stay out even as she exited the apartment.
"I can't believe this!" Penny growled.
"What?" asked Leonard.
"Your friend Howard is getting busy with Christie—on my bed!"
"To be fair I've only known Howard four years," the experimental physicist began. Both Penny and Raj gave him a 'get real' frown. "I suppose I can go get him," he said unenthusiastically.
"No," Penny sighed. "Christie's my guest and I can't just kick her out."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'll figure something out. Anyways, I'll let you guys go."
"You can stay at my place," Leonard blurted out. Penny looked at him questioningly. "I mean Howard is my friend and it's sorta my fault since he came over with me so I feel obligated to make sure that you have a place to stay."
"That's so sweet," Penny smiled warmly. "But I want to be close to my apartment."
"Okay," Leonard said as the elevator doors opened. "Well goodnight."
"'Night guys."
Penny turned to her apartment and glared at her door.
"I do not wanna go in there."
She returned to Sheldon's door and knocked.
"Oh. It's you," the physicist said as he opened the door.
"Yup. Good ol' me," Penny said amiably. "Listen, I need a favor."
"Now?" He checked his watch. "It's nine thirty six. I go to bed at ten."
"That's okay. Actually I was gonna ask if it was okay for me to sleep at your place."
"I'm sorry but the Roommate Agreement I signed with Leonard prohibits a non-relative female from staying over without twenty four hours notice."
"Yeah, but Leonard hasn't moved in yet."
Sheldon thought for a moment. "Point. But I don't have anywhere for you to stay."
"It's no big deal. I can sleep on the floor like your mom did," Penny suggested.
"But I just had my sleeping bag dry cleaned," he countered.
"Come on, Dr. C. I took care of you when you were sick."
"I wouldn't have been sick if you hadn't exposed me to influenza therefore your claim of reciprocity is negated."
"I'm not asking because you owe me. I'm asking as a friend."
Sheldon was stunned.
"Oh," he said. "Well that's different then."
"So I can stay?" she asked hopefully.
"I suppose so." Sheldon left to go to the living room closet. Penny closed the apartment door and sprayed her feet. "You can sleep in front of the closet so you won't be a trip hazard should an emergency evacuation occur."
"Whatever ya want, boss," Penny said as she took the sleeping bag from her neighbor and began to untie it.
"Aside from the front door there's a window there"—he pointed—"and there with a ledge should the door prove inaccessible." He crossed over to the hallway. "I'll leave out a hand towel for you to use."
"Thanks Dr. C. You're awesome." Penny slid into the sleeping bag and took off her jacket to use as a pillow. Sheldon turned to go but hesitated.
"If I may ask a question?"
"Shoot."
"When did we become friends?"
Penny grinned as she looked at her neighbor.
"I dunno. You helped me with the tv and I took care of your mail and we went putt-putting and it just happened, y'know?"
"Ah." Silence. "I'm not sure of the protocol here."
"I'm sorry?"
"How do we proceed as friends?"
"Just keep doing what we're doing." A sly look came to her face. "Let me guess: you haven't had a female friend before, huh?"
"I haven't had a friend before, female or otherwise," he said matter-of-factly. "Good night." He clicked off the light and went to his room.
Penny rolled onto her back, the weight of his words weighing heavily on her heart and mind.
xTBBTx
It was the sunlight from the window that got to Penny first. Then as her awareness of the outer world attuned itself she heard the sounds of someone eating to her left. She opened her eyes and noted Sheldon sitting in his lawn chair.
"What time is it?" she yawned.
"Almost seven thirty," he said distractedly. Penny snorted.
"Since when do you not know what time it is to the second?"
"Penny, please. My program's almost over."
"What ya watching?" she asked as she sat up.
"Doctor Who."
She wiggled with the sleeping bag until she could see the television screen.
"Is the guy in the sneakers the Doc?" she asked.
"The Doctor and yes."
"He's kinda cute. Who's the blonde girl?"
"His companion, Rose."
"Ah. So what kind of doctor is he?"
"A doctor of everything."
"No kidding. With all that time hitting the books it's a wonder he has a girlfriend," she shrugged.
"They're not a couple," Sheldon countered adamantly. "She's a girl, she's his friend, but she's not his 'girlfriend'."
"Too bad. They look like a cute couple," she replied as she stretched.
"The Doctor has evolved beyond having carnal relationships," he sniffed. The credits began and so he turned off the television. "His desire is to explore the universe."
"Is Rose his first friend?" she asked tentatively.
"The Doctor has had many companions in his travels," Sheldon called over his shoulder as he rose to go rinse his cereal bowl.
Penny got out of her sleeping bag and stood to stretch yet again.
"Mind if I get something to drink?" she asked as she ventured to the kitchen.
"Would you like milk, orange juice or water?"
"OJ please." Sheldon pursed his lips in disapproval as he went to the refrigerator.
"Where do you keep the glasses?"
"Second cupboard, left side. Use a juice glass."
Penny opened the cupboard door. The glasses inside all seemed to be the same size and make.
"And just how am I supposed to know which is a 'juice' glass?"
"It's labeled," he said as he put the container of orange juice on the counter before retreating to the washroom to clean his hands.
"Where's it labeled?" she asked as she took a glass.
"On the bottom," he called. She turned the glass over and saw a label marked 'water'.
"Oh." She set it back and took another glass. "'Milk'. Huh." Third time was the charm as she found the elusive 'Juice' glass. She poured out some orange juice before returning it to the refrigerator. As she drank she looked over the various things stuck to the refrigerator door. "Cute flag," she said as she noted the blue flag with a gold lion on it. "Where's it from?"
"It's the apartment flag."
"You don't say," she said to herself amusedly. She took in a large chart filled with an assortment of numbers under the column headings of 'size', 'color' and 'consistency'. "What's with the chart? Mixing protein shakes or something?"
"Hardly," Sheldon replied as he returned to the living room. "That's my daily fecal chart."
Penny physically recoiled from the refrigerator.
"You're kidding," she gasped.
"Why would I kid?"
"Ew."
"Maintaining a healthy colon takes both vigilance and work. You can't just poop willy-nilly and hope for the best," he tsked.
'Wow' Penny mouthed.
"So, we have nineteen minutes before I have to evacuate my bowels. Would you like to exchange information regarding our idiosyncrasies? Participate in a physical activity such as yoga, aerobics or pilates? Text each other? Share in a whimsical tale?"
Penny chuckled. "Where did you get that from?"
"After considering our paradigm shift I consulted Google in order to learn how to be friends with a female."
"Sweetie, you don't need the internet to tell you that," she grinned.
Sheldon was perplexed. "But I don't know the protocol for maintaining a friendship. From what I gathered there are a myriad of expectations and procedures to follow."
"Ya just wing it," the waitress said as she rinsed out her glass and left it in the sink.
"That hardly seems logical."
"Friendships aren't about logic. You're friends because you like that person."
"But I don't know if I like you," he said seriously. Penny's face fell. "But you seem sure we're friends and since you have more experience with friendships I'll defer to your judgment."
"Good. Anyhoo, I better get home and kick out Goldilocks and company," Penny said as she crossed over to the door and slid into her flip-flops. "Thanks so much for letting me stay, Dr. C."
"Sheldon." She turned to him with a look of surprise as he approached the door. "Apparently friends typically refer to each other by their given names."
Penny absolutely beamed. "Thanks, Sheldon."
"You're welcome, Penny," he replied before letting her out of the apartment.
xTBBTx
'Compromise is a stalling between two fools': Stephen Fry
'There is nothing wrong with your television. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We control the transmission.': Intro to the Outer Limits