Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Jerusalem Duality'; 'The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis'
Reference to: 'The Staircase Implementation'; 'The Loobenfeld Decay'; 'The Werewolf Transformation'
xTBBTx
The apartment door opened and Leonard entered carrying a box of his things. He set it down next to the other ones and closed the door before taking off his shoes and spraying his feet.
"Last one," he said amiably to the empty room and took up a box to carry into his new bedroom. As he moved past Sheldon's bedroom door he noted the comic books framed on his wall.
"Cool," he said.
After dumping off his stuff he went back to the living room, only to stop by the bathroom door where he heard Sheldon clear his throat.
"Love your framed comics," Leonard called through the door. There was no response and he shrugged and carried on. He put two more boxes away before the toilet flushed and, after a long pause, Sheldon emerged.
"Hey," smiled Leonard.
"You talked to me through the bathroom door," Sheldon said formally.
"Something tells me that was a no-no."
"Never talk to me through the bathroom door."
"Understood." Leonard grabbed another box while Sheldon went to his room and closed the door before returning to the living room and his computer desk.
"So anyways, this takes care of my fragile models and whatnot," Leonard said after moving the last box. "Raj and Howard will be at my apartment at eight am so we should be at your place ten-ish." Sheldon snorted.
"'Ten-ish'. Hardly sounds organized." Leonard rolled his eyes. "Nevertheless I shall have the drop cloths laid out." Sheldon turned to his new roommate. "I need you to sign the common area furnishings agreement." The bespectacled man came over and took the document.
"I have the right to allocate fifty percent of the cubic footage of the common areas only if you're notified in advance by email." Leonard shrugged. "Sounds fair." He saw that the last floor plan for the living room was approved and that he could bring in his book shelves, coffee table, computer desk and chair and, after much negotiation which cost him the right to adjust the thermostat, his stuffed chair.
"Maybe we can get some stools for the counter," he suggested.
"Why?"
"It'd give us a place to have breakfast."
"But I already have a spot for breakfast."
"Well I think it'd be nice."
Sheldon shrugged. "What you want to do with your fifty percent is your concern."
"I'll email the request tonight," Leonard said with a little smile.
"I'd like to remind you that in the Roommate Agreement Section 'A' under 'Moving' the mover is to ensure that the apartment returns to its previously clean state. Saturday mornings after Doctor Who is usually reserved for cleaning. As you're moving in tomorrow the schedule will be revised on a one time only basis and cleaning shall commence on Sunday morning."
"But I'll still be unpacking," Leonard protested.
"Dr. Hofstadter, I'm postponing train day," Sheldon said evenly. "You can't expect me to completely alter my schedule for your convenience."
"Of course not—and I already told you, Leonard's fine."
"Very well, Leonard."
"So is it okay if I call you Sheldon?" the shorter man said hesitantly.
"I work under the premise that only family and friends should call me by my given name."
"Well roommates are kinda in between because we live communally, socialize frequently and we'll know each other's bathroom schedule intimately," prodded Leonard gently.
There was a knock at the door.
Sheldon cocked his head. "I hadn't thought of it that way," he said to his roommate before opening the door. "Good evening, Penny."
"You won't believe it!" she gushed.
"There's a lot I don't believe in: religion, astrology, loop quantum gravity—"
"This girl who was playing Mimi in the Rent musical I tried out for dropped out so they've picked me to replace her!" squealed the waitress.
Sheldon thought back to Penny's caterwauling in her apartment.
"You're right," he said. "I don't believe you."
"Well it's true," she pouted.
"Congratulations," Leonard said amiably.
"Thank you, Leonard," she smiled. "It's only a one night review but there'll be more than a few casting agents there so I'm so excited to show off my talent and hard work."
"What talent are you talking about?" Sheldon asked.
"You know: singing, dancing, acting."
"I see," he said neutrally.
"So anyways, I know it's short notice but the review's tonight. Wanna come?"
"No thank you."
Penny's smile vanished. "Why not?"
"Tonight is vintage game night," Sheldon explained.
"But this is important," she whined. The East Texan sighed.
"Are you invoking a level one friendship request?"
Penny thought for a moment. "Is that the friendship thingie you slid under my door?"
"Friendship Agreement—and you've yet to sign and return it to me so your request is—"
"Be right back!" Penny raced to her door, unlocked it and darted inside. A moment later she returned with a stapled packet of papers. She placed the document against the door and signed and dated the last page. "Here ya go," she said smugly and handed Sheldon the papers. "Anyhoo, I'm invoking whatever it takes to get you to come out."
"When and where is it?" Sheldon asked.
"Eight o'clock at the Elgin Theater. I'm sorry I can't drive you since I've gotta be there early."
"I can drive him," Leonard interjected. "Actually I can come too if you like."
Sheldon blanched. "Oh, I'm not sure about that."
"Come on Sheldon," chuckled Penny. "I'm sure his car's fine. Besides, the more the merrier!"
"I refute that statement. 'More' does not necessitate 'merrier'. It only means more," he amended.
In response the waitress stuck out her tongue before going to the elevator and pushing the button.
"I'll see you both later," she said with a smile as the doors opened and she stepped inside.
Sheldon closed his door.
"Why don't you want me to go?" Leonard huffed.
"I didn't say I didn't want you to come," Sheldon said slowly. "I'm just not sure if that's a wise decision given that you're not apprised of the facts."
"And they are?"
"I've experienced Penny's singing firsthand and I can tell you if cats could sing they still wouldn't like it. As you stated earlier, as my roommate you are between family and friend and I wouldn't subject either to Penny's musical."
"It can't be that bad," Leonard smirked.
"Leonard, if Penny's been selected as a suitable replacement for the review I can only extrapolate that the rest of the show will leave a lot to be desired."
"Well as her friend we have to support her."
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "How are you her friend?"
"I'm her friend vis-à-vis you," Leonard said with a satisfied smile.
"That would imply that I'm friends with Raj and Howard because they're your friends," Sheldon said slowly as he thought this through.
"That's right."
"Huh. I hadn't realized procuring a roommate meant such social complexities. My last roommate wanted nothing to do with me."
Leonard thought back two years to the crazed man in the landing and the 'Die Sheldon Die' painted on the spare room wall.
"Maybe I'm a complex guy," he said jokingly.
"I suppose," Sheldon mused. "Although your area of research would indicate otherwise."
Leonard pursed his lips and marched to his bedroom while Sheldon returned to his computer.
XxX
When the lights came up in the theater there were three people left in the audience. Sheldon and Leonard sat stunned, too drained by what they'd witnessed, no endured, over the past two and a half hours.
"I'll never watch another musical again," murmured Leonard.
"Don't blame the genre while we have obvious candidates like the producer and director of this fiasco," Sheldon replied, equally as quiet.
From the side curtain emerged a familiar blonde figure and so the two men got out of their seats and made their way to the aisle.
"Kinda lost the crowd," Penny said with a sheepish grin. "So what did you think?"
Sheldon shook his head. "Absolutely—"
"Breathtaking," Leonard interjected. "I've never seen anything like it." Sheldon looked at his roommate with an air of confusion.
"Really?" Penny said with a little smile. "I know things got a little weird when Scott tripped Janice during one of the dance routines."
"A 'little weird'?" Sheldon scoffed.
"It wasn't as bad as you think," Leonard continued. "Really, the rest of the performance was so astounding I know I completely overlooked the mishap."
Penny nodded. "Well as long as you enjoyed yourselves. So how was I?" Sheldon made to speak. "I know I was a little nervous 'cause I'd been called in at the last minute and so hadn't practiced as much but I think it went pretty well."
"'Pretty well'?" gawked Sheldon.
"Actually you blended well into the production as a whole," Leonard said neutrally albeit with a nervous smile.
"Great," Penny grinned. "Anyhoo, there's a cast party so I'm off but thanks so much for coming. It really meant a lot to me."
"Anytime," said Leonard and the Nebraskan departed.
"'Anytime'?" Sheldon asked. "I thought you said you'd never watch a musical again?"
"Next time I'll be working at the lab," Leonard replied as they climbed the stairs to the exit.
"How do you know if you'll be at the lab? Penny hasn't informed us of any future dates."
Leonard looked sideways at his roommate. There was no doubt in his mind that Sheldon fell somewhere on the Autism spectrum.
"Because whenever Penny says she has a performance I'm going to say I've got to work at the lab. That doesn't mean I have to go to the lab."
Sheldon pondered this.
"So you'd lie," he clarified.
"Exactly."
The men walked through the lobby and out the front door.
"Query: why wouldn't you be forthcoming and say you didn't wish to endure another performance?" asked Sheldon.
"Because that would hurt Penny's feelings."
"Ah." They walked in silence. "But Penny won't know that her performance was substandard. How will she improve if no one tells her?"
"Sheldon, Penny is our friend and acting is her dream. We can't just be all nasty and say that she was terrible—"
"We're not being nasty. We're only being truthful."
"Well, sometimes the truth hurts and as we know from the X-Files some people can't handle the truth," Leonard explained. Sheldon nodded.
"Hence the reason why your answers to Penny's queries were cryptic."
"Exactly."
"I see." Sheldon waited for Leonard to pop the locks before entering the car. They put on their seatbelts and as Leonard inserted the key into the ignition Sheldon turned to face him.
"Leonard, my mother said not to lie."
"Well, technically we didn't lie. We just kinda obfuscated the truth." Leonard started the car and drove out of the parking lot. "Believe me, it's better this way."
Sheldon looked out the side window as he puzzled out the night's interactions.
xTBBTx
Penny was in the middle of enjoying her morning coffee when loud voices streamed into her apartment from across the hall.
"Sheldon, the bookcase is friggin' heavy. We're not going to line it up with a ruler!" Leonard's voice.
"According to the common areas furnishing agreement the book cases are to be exactly three point four feet away from the door. Clearly you're three feet two inches away," replied the lanky man.
"What if we move in all the furniture first and then line them up with the floor plan?" came a melodious voice which Penny attributed to Raj.
"Guess he really is from India and not Indiana," she chuckled.
She missed Sheldon's answer to Raj's idea but she sure heard the knock at her door. Penny crossed over and opened it to see an exasperated Leonard standing before her.
"We have a problem," he growled. Penny raised an eyebrow and he tossed his head in the direction of 4A. The pair crossed over and observed Sheldon with a clip board and tape measure in hand directing Howard and Raj as they moved a book case against the wall. They stood back huffing and puffing as the theoretical physicist bent down and measured the distance from the door to the shelf.
"Better," he said. "Although you're still off by an inch." Raj groaned.
"How about we use the remaining space to stuff Sheldon's body?" hissed Howard with a grim smile. Sheldon tutted as he shook his head.
"While imprecise measurements might give you a pass at MIT I expect your engineering skills in this instance to be more proficient."
"Sheldon, be nice," Penny warned.
"I'm neither naughty nor nice. I'm merely stating an observation," he countered.
"Which he's been doing from the moment we got here," snapped Leonard.
She turned to Sheldon. "Come on, let's go for a walk."
"But it's not Sunday or Anything Can Happen Thursday," he said.
Penny came across and took the clip board from his hand.
"Yeah, but it's kind of a special day because of the move-in."
"What are we supposed to call this, Leonard's Day?" snorted Sheldon.
"That'd be nice," Leonard smirked, garnering him a scowl.
Penny grabbed Sheldon by the wrist and dragged him from the apartment, handing Leonard the clipboard in the process.
"Good luck guys," she called. Sheldon tossed the tape measure to Howard.
"I'll examine your work when I get back," the physicist called over his shoulder.
Penny left Sheldon in her living room while she went to get a hoodie.
"I see you've let things deteriorate again," he said as he glanced around the room. "You should at least pile your laundry together even if you won't put it in a proper hamper."
"Yeah but then I won't be able to tell what's sorta clean," she replied as she came out of her bedroom zipping up her jacket.
"'Sorta clean'?"
"Y'know, what passes the sniff test."
Sheldon's eyes widened. "You mean that you don't change into clean clothes daily?"
Penny grabbed her keys and shoved her neighbor out of the apartment.
"Well it's not like they're dirty dirty."
"Penny, Penny, Penny," he tsked as she locked her door.
"Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon," she replied sarcastically.
"You might mock me now but mark my words when—and believe me it's most definitely a when—you get sick or endure a bed bug or lice infestation you'll remember my warning."
"That's what I love about you: your bubbling optimism," she winked as she opened the elevator doors so they could enter.
"I always considered myself a realist," he shrugged.
"Sarcasm, Sheldon."
"Oh."
The doors closed.
"Missy once got head lice and for two weeks mother checked my hair twice daily. I could barely sleep as the thought of them crawling along my scalp gave me nightmares," Sheldon commented.
"I remember this guy from grade school got it but he just shaved his head."
"A draconian measure but effective." They got out of the elevator and exited the building.
"Huh. Never thought you were vain," Penny said.
"Why, because I refused to cut my hair? Why should I? It wasn't I who brought the vermin into the house," he said indignantly. "Besides, by your logic if I contracted a contagious rash on my arm I should have it amputated."
Penny laughed. "Earth to Sheldon: hair isn't the same as an arm. I mean from the length of your hair you obviously get it cut."
"By a barber—and not just any barber. Good Lord I wouldn't let any one have at me with scissors without having first studied my haircut records," he tsked.
"Hair cut records?"
"My mom sent them from my old barber in Galveston to Mr. D'Onofrio here in Pasadena. It most definitely put my mind at ease."
Penny turned her head to look across the street as a grin covered her face.
"Well that was nice of her," she said neutrally.
"Indeed."
"So, how are you doing with the move? You okay with everyone being in your apartment?"
"I'm not thrilled if that's what you're asking. However Howard, Raj and Leonard all swore they took showers before arriving and Leonard did agree to help me clean the apartment tomorrow."
"Hope he likes the smell of javex," chuckled the waitress.
"Actually, outside of the washroom I clean the rest of the apartment with lemon Lysol antibacterial wash."
"I just cover things up with vanilla candles."
"I must say, you Nebraskans are a hearty stock. Weaker constitutions would perish in your apartment," Sheldon noted.
"Yeah, yeah, funny guy," she chided lightly. "Thanks again for coming out last night."
"As your friend I was obligated." He caught her eyes narrow at him. "You're welcome."
"I'm really amazed at how we came together as a cast given that a couple of us were spur of the moment changes and whatnot. Could you tell which of us were stand-ins?"
"Most definitely not," Sheldon replied adamantly.
"That's cool. So what about me? How was I?"
Sheldon remembered his conversation with Leonard.
"Adequate given the overall level of the show in question," he said with a twitchy mouth.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means"—a facial tic briefly closed his right eye—"It means that in the scheme of things you brought more to the"—another twitch—
"What's with you?" Penny asked, her smile fading as she took in his strange facial expressions.
"Nothing," he said excitedly, his cheeks turning red as his tics increased in intensity.
Penny grabbed his arm to stop and turned him to face her.
"Sheldon, if you've got something to say to me just say it," she said firmly. He remained silent. "It sucked didn't it?"
"Well it wasn't good," he admitted.
"How bad was it?" Penny asked quietly.
"The dancing was an undifferentiated morass," he said evenly. "The set was hideous and yet it was somehow appropriate given that the whole production seemed to function on utter indifference. As for the singing, the cast had no business singing in the shower much less on a stage."
"What about me?"
"You come across as very natural and aesthetically pleasing which is why it's rather jolting when you sing. Your cadence is all over the place, you're utterly tone-deaf and when you soloed your voice was an invasive presence more than a—"
"Okay I get it!"
They walked in silence until Sheldon heard her sniffling.
"Are you crying?" he asked awkwardly.
"Maybe." Penny said with a stuffy nose.
"Why? How can you improve if you don't know where you went wrong?"
"Last night you and Leonard said I was good." She wiped below her eye with the side of her hand.
"Leonard implied you were good," he amended.
"Well you didn't correct him and you correct everybody," Penny snapped.
Silence.
"Why didn't you tell me this last night?"
"I'm your friend and apparently friends don't 'bring down friends'," Sheldon replied.
Penny grunted. "You didn't get that crap off the internet did you?"
"No. Leonard told me. He said to be vague if I couldn't be 'nice' otherwise I'd hurt your feelings." The Nebraskan stopped and gave a big sigh.
"Sheldon, being nice about it doesn't mean bullshitting me."
"Language Penny," he frowned. "And I wasn't lying to you per se."
She poked him in the chest with a finger, making him wince.
"Don't do this again," she said firmly.
"Define 'this'."
"Don't feed me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you honestly think." She paused. "Only try not to be so damn brutal about it."
Sheldon nodded. "Alright." Pause. "Although my intention was to be forthcoming not invective."
"I know." Silence before Penny snorted in amusement. "You know I was actually thinking of trying out for another musical? Man, I would have looked like an idiot."
"There's nothing wrong with your appearance," he countered.
"Why thank you Sheldon."
"However, if you attempt another musical people will question your sanity," he said drolly.
Penny chuckled and they walked on.
XxX
Sheldon stepped into the apartment with laundry basket in hand to find Leonard unpacking his books and putting them on the shelf. The lanky man paused as his roommate seemingly placed books here and there. He shook his head and tsked.
Leonard stopped what he was doing. "What?"
"There's no organization."
"Of course there is: physics on these two shelves, science fiction here, fantasy here, historical here and each section is alphabetical," Leonard countered.
"So if there was an emergency and you needed to know how naïve expectations will fail in a quantum world you'd rush over to the physics section to scan its shelves in desperation as you tried to recall the author of the text. Ah yes, highly practical," Sheldon sniffed.
"So how's yours done?" scowled the shorter man.
"Dewey decimal system of course. For instance, it's only logical to position geometry next to math followed by analytic geometry, metric differential geometry, Finsler geometry—" Leonard snorted.
"So every time you need something you waste time looking it up or did you actually assign call numbers to your books?"
"I don't need to do either; I have an eidetic memory."
"Huh. They say there's no such thing as a true eidetic memory."
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Obviously 'they' are wrong."
Leonard leaned against his shelf with a smirk.
"Okay, tell me about the first time we met."
Sheldon took a moment to think.
"Well the first time we interacted was on the phone on October twelfth two thousand and four. Me: Dr. Sheldon Cooper speaking. You: Uh, hi. My name's Leonard Hofstadter and I'm calling about the room for rent? Me: You are aware of the minimal criteria? You: You mean the whistling part? Me: Are you asking me or telling me? You: Telling you. I promise I won't do any whistling in the apartment. Me: Very well. Are you employed? You: I'm a scientist at Caltech. Me: Do you have a criminal record?"
"That's incredible," Leonard interjected.
"No, what's incredible is that all of humanity can fit in a sugar cube," said Sheldon before heading to his room.
Leonard looked at his books before continuing his task.
XxX
Leonard woke up and reached across for his glasses before groggily getting himself out of bed. He knew when he drank the rest of the ginger ale before bed that it was a mistake but he needed something to settle his stomach what with the move and dealing with Sheldon.
He opened the door and padded his way to the washroom only to stop in front of the door as a flash of light in the living room caught his eye. Stepping ever so quietly down the hall he observed a housecoated Sheldon wearing some kind of light on his forehead reorganizing Leonard's book shelves.
With a shake of the head the experimental physicist went to use the washroom.
xTBBTx
Sheldon sat on the corner of his desk as he pondered his whiteboard.
"The symmetry is still too restrictive," he muttered. "Maybe a lattice cut-off?" He jotted down a new set of variables on the board.
Knock Knock "Dr. Cooper?" Leonard's voice.
"Go away," Sheldon said distractedly.
"You know Dr. Gablehauser said you had to make yourself available for a few minutes."
"Well he didn't say they had to be these minutes."
"Come on. Dennis is already here and it'd be stupid having to come all the way back."
Sheldon sighed and capped his marker. His concentration was broken and if he didn't want to be disturbed further he might as well nip this in the butt.
"Enter," he said.
The door opened and in came Leonard followed by a short, somewhat pudgy Korean teenager.
"Dennis, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper," said Leonard. "He's a senior particle theorist."
"It says that on his door," Dennis sniffed. He cocked his head as he regarded Sheldon. "So you're the one responsible for the dead end in string theory research going on around here?"
Sheldon blinked. "Excuse me, my research isn't a dead end." His eyes flashed angrily to Leonard. "Get him out of here."
"Come on, Dennis," Leonard said hurriedly. "Maybe we'll go to the experimental—"
Dennis stepped further into the room. "Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections," he said as he glanced at the whiteboard before snorting in amusement. "You see where you went wrong, don't you?"
Sheldon glared at the young man. "I'm replacing space-time with a lattice cut-off. Since 'a' represents the smallest length in the theory the momenta are restricted to be less than TT/a so that the ultraviolet divergences associated with large momenta in the loop integrals are avoided. In this continuum limit a-0 these divergences will again emerge."
"Yes, but it's obvious that this method is not Lorentz invariant." Dennis caught Sheldon's stunned expression. "You have considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach, right?"
"You think I haven't considered it?" sputtered the East Texan.
Dennis raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't look like it. Or do you always cover your whiteboard with inaccurate equations?"
Sheldon turned to his board, breathing heavily through his nose to control himself even as his eyes scanned his equations.
"It might not be Lorentz invariant," he growled. "But it does offer the possibility to investigate theories at larger values of the coupling constant because…." Sheldon frowned as he realized he'd still have to verify that Lorentz invariance will reemerge in the continuum limit.
The physicist set the marker on the ledge before again sitting on his desk corner. It wasn't that he couldn't get the answer. It was quite obvious, actually.
He'd just lost his Nobel Prize.
Dennis gave a smarmy smile before strolling out of the office.
XxX
Leonard glanced at Sheldon through the rear view mirror as they drove home. The lanky man hadn't said a word since they'd met after work and Leonard wasn't sure if he was unsettled or relieved.
"So anyways Dr. Gablehauser says the tour worked out since Dennis Kim's seriously looking at staying at Caltech," he began. Silence. "He's interested in what Dave Underhill's doing since the dark matter discovery." More silence. "Anyways, I thought that maybe—"
"Leonard?" Sheldon said as he looked out the side window.
"Yes?" Sheldon turned to him.
"I believe I've finished with physics," he said evenly. "The future lies in the Mexican desert."
"What's out there?"
"My Nobel Peace Prize." Sheldon glanced at the side mirror. "I'm going to build a second Jerusalem."
Leonard just smiled and nodded while very quietly pressing down on the accelerator.
XxX
Penny knocked softly before opening the door into a darkened apartment 4A. She spotted Sheldon sitting in his lawn chair staring at glowing green and blue goldfish in the bowl on the coffee table.
"Sheldon?" she said gently and closed the door. Silence save the sound of her spraying her feet.
She trotted over to Leonard's chair and sat.
"Hey sweetie. Leonard came over and told me what happened."
"What did he say?" Sheldon said without looking up.
"Well I didn't completely understand what that Dennis kid said but I got the gist. He handed you your ass."
"Language Penny," he said half-heartedly.
Silence.
"What do you want me to do?" Penny asked.
"You grew up on a farm. What else do you do with a cow when she goes dry?"
She frowned. "I'm not going to shoot you if that's what you're saying. Come on, you can't give up."
"Can't I?" Sheldon said bitterly. "In one fell swoop what I've been working on for years has been invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind."
"Sheldon—"
His eyes met hers.
"Please leave me alone," he said quietly.
Penny got out of the chair and moved past him only to stop and give him a hug from behind.
"You're mauling me again."
"Can't help it. It's under booboos and ouchies in the Friendship thingie."
"Ah. Section Four. So you're engaging in physical contact for the purpose of rendering emotional aid to make me 'feel better'." Penny felt his shoulders slump. "Only I don't feel better."
"I know honey," she cooed. "I just want you to know you're not alone."
He nodded and she gave him a last squeeze before letting go and leaving the room.
xTBBTx
"I still can't get over how attractive Famke Janssen is as a redhead," gushed Raj as both Howard and he sat at the lunch table with Leonard.
"But she'd be even prettier with her legs around my waist," added Howard.
"Better hope she doesn't reenact her role in GoldenEye."
"Crushed to death by the legs of your lover," mused the engineer. "There are worse ways to go."
"Can we just drop the bedroom stuff?" snapped Leonard as his fork toyed with the mashed potatoes on his plate.
"What's with you, dude?" asked Raj.
"Nothing."
Just then Leslie Winkle and Dave Underhill entered the cafeteria, chatting oblivious to others around them as they rounded the corner towards the serving area.
"And so it becomes clear," Howard said with an amused chuckle. He nudged Leonard with his elbow. "So how does it feel having the man who invalidated your work now violating your ex-girlfriend?"
"He's not sleeping with Leslie," snapped the experimental physicist. "And he didn't invalidate my work."
Raj snorted. "Are you kidding? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter thus making your work completely useless."
"Not all of it," Leonard sighed.
"And he's banging your ex," added Howard.
"Yeah, thanks Howard." Leonard raised a forkful of potatoes to his mouth before setting it down in a huff. "They could just be friends, y'know. I mean they signed up for the Physics Bowl. That's something friends do."
"Fair enough," said Howard. "But when's the last time Leslie's had a male friend that she hasn't slept with?" Leonard scowled into his plate. "Look at the bright side, you've been dumped for a higher class of physicist."
"He's not higher," countered Leonard with a flush. "I mean, sure, he's won the MacArthur genius grant and rides a Harley Davidson and is in a rock band but that doesn't mean he's better."
"No, he's perfect," sighed Raj with a smile before turning to his salad after catching the wide-eyed expressions of his tablemates.
Howard munched on a forkful of corn. "I thought you'd moved past Leslie to your delusional relationship with Penny?"
"I have—and my relationship isn't delusional," Leonard said crisply.
"So you've asked Penny out?"
"I'm biding my time."
"Alright," chuckled Howard. "If I accept this madness as truth—which I don't—then why the drama over Leslie?"
A grin came to Raj's face. "Ah, I see. Leonard's pride has been hurt. She dumped him for a more suitable mate and he's angry."
Leonard set down his fork with a clatter. "Darn right I'm angry."
"And what you need is vengeance," concluded the astrophysicist. Howard chuckled.
"What's he gonna do? Dave Underhill's tall, muscled and from what I hear is into some kind of martial arts."
"No, no," dismissed Raj. "Not physically. Up here." He tapped his head. "And he's got a perfect forum to do it, too: the Physics Bowl."
"Yeah but Fishman, Chen, Chowdry and McNair always clean house," said Leonard.
"Not this year," grinned Howard. "They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing at Knott's Berry Farm."
"Really?" Leonard perked up. "So then we've got a chance. I mean only Leslie's played before and who knows who they've scraped together to form a team—"
"On it," said Howard as he typed into his phone.
"We shall be like Shiva and destroy them," Raj said excitedly.
"According to the website Leslie's other teammates are this Barry Kripke guy and—" Howard paled. "Oh."
"'Oh'?" Said Leonard.
"Looks like Dave brought a friend. Dennis Kim."
"So much for that idea," sighed Raj. "Maybe you can have a cello contest or something."
"No," Leonard said firmly. "I'm a physicist and despite Dave having disproved my theories and my mother disapproving of my entire career I'm a damn good one. We are going to kick their asses."
"But Dennis is a child prodigy," Howard reminded him.
A smile came to Leonard's face. "Then we need to get one of our own." He indicated Sheldon with a thrust of his chin. All three men looked at each other before getting up with their trays and sauntering over to Sheldon's table.
"Mind if we sit?" Leonard asked.
"You may," Sheldon said listlessly.
Leonard noted that the food on his roommate's plate looked as uneaten as his own. Things had been quiet in the car on the drive to work. He'd hoped that Penny's talk with Sheldon would help the East Texan but obviously it hadn't done the trick.
"So. I was wondering if you've got any plans on the nineteenth?" asked Leonard.
"Let's see. The nineteenth is a Friday and Friday is vintage videogame night," replied Sheldon.
"What if we can offer you another game?"
"Is it vintage?"
"No."
"Is it a videogame?"
"No."
"Then it hardly fills the criteria for vintage videogame night," Sheldon sniffed.
Leonard sighed. "Look, we need a fourth person for our Physics Bowl team and—"
The East Texan snorted. "You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?"
"It's for fun," Raj said. "Besides, Dennis Kim's playing." At this Sheldon pursed his lips.
"Then I suppose the game's in the bag," he said crisply.
"Not necessarily," said Leonard. "I mean we've played for three years running and we're pretty good."
"Dennis Kim will clobber 'pretty good'."
"That's where you come in," Howard said encouragingly.
"Hardly," sighed Sheldon. "I'm a washed up theoretical physicist."
"You're not washed up," countered Leonard adamantly. "Your idea for the supersolid was amazing. Our findings are being published."
Sheldon frowned. "While fifteen year old Dennis Kim steps into my office and corrects my work."
"Don't take it so hard," Howard said. "Dave Underhill completely invalidated Leonard's career and yet you don't hear him complaining. Much."
"He didn't invalidate—never mind," said Leonard with a quick shake of the head. "Look Sheldon, you're not a washout. I mean you were a wunderkind too. And you can't tell me that your intellect hasn't done anything but grow in the years since. So you got stuck on something. That doesn't mean you wouldn't have solved it."
"But it was so obvious to him," said Sheldon. "Why wasn't it obvious to me?"
Leonard's mind raced as he thought.
"Sheldon, why couldn't the Doctor assemble pieces of the Key to Time?" he asked.
"Because it was too simple."
"I bet your projects are so massive in scope it's no wonder something slipped by."
"And as we know a simple x-wing fighter can take out a Deathstar," said Sheldon.
"But if we're the underdog that means we're the in the x-wing," offered Raj.
"I've always aligned myself with Darth Vader."
"And like Luke we're going redeem you," Leonard said firmly. "Luke had the Force. We have a Physics Bowl."
"'Do or do not'," Howard croaked in a Yoda voice.
Sheldon set down his fork and straightened in his chair.
"Gentlemen," he said with a determined look. "We 'do'."
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: Dewey Decimal System
All of humanity can fit in a sugar cube: 10 Most Mind-Bending Physics Facts
Sheldon's lattice research: staffscienceuunl: quantum corrections