Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Porkchop Indeterminacy'; 'The White Asparagus Triangulation'; 'The Nerdvana Annihilation'; 'The Friendship Contraction'; 'The Tangerine Factor'; 'The Peanut Reaction'
xTBBTx
Penny groaned as soon as she spotted her coffee maker. Things had been so hectic this week she'd forgotten to get coffee at the store.
"Maybe Leonard?" she said hopefully and grabbed her mug before heading across the hall. She knocked and a moment later the door opened.
"Hi," said Leonard as he took in her Hello Kitty shorts and pink tank top.
"Hello yourself G.I. Joe," she grinned back. Leonard blushed as he adjusted the collar of his camouflage suit. "Listen, I hate to bother you but I'm out of coffee."
"Oh. Well I've had mine but I can make you some."
"No I don't want to be a bother."
"Penny either come in or stay out," tsked Sheldon as he came down the hallway wearing his train engineer outfit. "There's no point adjusting the thermostat if you keep the door open."
"I hear and obey," she said as she stepped in and closed the door.
Sheldon noted Leonard cross over to the kitchen and begin filling the coffee pot with water.
"What are you doing?" the lanky man asked. "I thought you were due to meet at Raj's place at eight thirty?"
"I'm just making coffee for Penny," Leonard replied.
"But that would imply she'd be drinking it here. Who's going to host her if you're gone?"
"Sheldon, I'll just fill my cup and go. Although maybe it'd be easier if you just gave me some coffee and I'll make it at home," she added to Leonard.
"That could work," the experimental physicist said. He took out a container and proceeded to pour in the coffee.
"So where are you going all dressed up? No offence but you don't exactly seem to be a hunting kinda guy," smirked Penny.
"Actually I do hunt," countered Leonard. "The most dangerous game, in fact."
"What's that?"
"People," said Sheldon. Penny's jaw dropped. "Leonard, Raj and Howard are off to play paintball."
"Oh," she said, relieved. "Hey, why aren't you going?"
"It's train time."
"Yeah but paintball sounds like something up your ally. I mean isn't Halo a shoot 'em up kinda game?"
"With advanced weaponry, yes," sniffed Sheldon. "Paintballing employs paintball markers and non-toxic, biodegradable, water soluble polymer projectiles."
"Yeah, I get ya," the waitress replied. "In Nebraska if we point and shoot at something it stays down. Well unless we're just trying to frighten it away from our boyfriend."
"You shoot?" asked Leonard as he came across the room to hand her the container of coffee.
"Yup. My dad used to take me partridge and duck hunting."
"Why don't you come play with us? We could always use another player."
"Gee, I dunno," she said diplomatically. "I mean I have to work today and—"
"Not until four o'clock," Sheldon interjected as he lovingly hooked his G-Tel engine to the rest of the train already set out on the track.
"Thanks for reminding me, Sheldon," she said sarcastically.
"You're welcome."
"It's okay if you don't want to go," Leonard said quickly. "I mean it isn't like real shooting."
"I disagree," countered his roommate. "Paintball technology is used by military forces, law enforcement, paramilitary and security organizations to supplement military training as well as playing a role in riot response, and non-lethal suppression of dangerous suspects."
Penny nodded. "Sounds like you know what you're talking about."
"Of course I do. I've a fundamental understanding of the universe."
"Too bad you're too afraid to play in it," she said innocently.
Sheldon looked up. "I'm not 'too afraid' to play paintball. If Leonard were to prepare a presentation for our weekly roommate meeting I could schedule it into my routine."
"Still sounds like a copout. I think you can't shoot."
"Penny," he said as he stood. "I can teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself."
"Prove it." Green eyes locked with blue.
"He doesn't have to this time," Leonard interjected. "I mean it's not like he has any camo clothes or—"
"Of course I have camouflage gear," Sheldon replied crisply without dropping his gaze. "How can one be prepared for an apocalyptic scenario without it?"
"Great," smiled Penny. "Well then you both have a—"
"You've got gear too," he added as he crossed over to the hallway.
"What are you talking about, sweetie?" she said, her smile now frozen.
"Penny, I wish you'd spend more time reading the Friendship Agreement," Sheldon said derisively. "I specifically wrote the language at a junior high level for your convenience."
Penny gave a wide-mouthed exaggerated smile. "Your point, Sheldon?"
"My 'point' is that under the Agreement it is the duty of each friend to ensure the survival of the other in case of emergencies. In this case I purchased camouflage accessories so that you could conceal yourself should we have to raid a convoy for food or else have to protect the apartment from marauders," he said as he went down the hall to his bedroom. "I'll bring you your uniform."
Penny was speechless as she turned to Leonard who simply shrugged.
XxX
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
The door to the wooden shack burst open and five camouflaged bodies entered, the last person shutting the door behind them.
"Well that didn't work," Leonard gasped as he did his best to catch his breath.
"Geez, ya think?" huffed Howard.
Sheldon raised his goggles onto the top of his helmet.
"I thought you said you played this every two weeks?" he said between breaths.
"We do," snapped Leonard.
"Well then you'd think you'd have a better plan than 'pray n spray'."
"It's a war out there, Sheldon!"
"It's a bar mitzvah party," Penny amended. Raj did his best to suppress a giggle. She shook her head. "Man, with all the camo gear and you owning your own guns I thought you guys would be like killing machines out here."
"We play more of the Highlander school where we get whittled down to one and then beheaded," chuckled Howard. "Sometimes we can get in two games under our belt before we go to Dennys."
"Unacceptable," tsked Sheldon. "When I was asked to play I'd assumed it would be under competent leadership. Obviously I was wrong."
"Hey!" growled Leonard. Raj whispered in Howard's ear.
"Sheldon's right," the engineer interpreted. "I mean when's the last time we actually beat someone from the university?" Again Raj whispered. "Okay, when did we ever win, period?"
"That is about to change." Sheldon knelt and began outlining a crude map with his finger in the dirt.
"Who died and made you leader?" asked Leonard.
Sheldon stood to regard his roommate. "Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command." He returned to his map.
"I can't believe you're siding with him," the experimental physicist spat as Penny, Howard and Raj huddled in and around Sheldon to see what he was doing. "I mean he's never played before."
"I've played a vast array of first-person shoot 'em ups, Leonard. The tactics aren't that different: utilize the terrain to our advantage, study the enemy for weaknesses, create opportunities. In this case, since Lawrence Finkelstein and his cohorts seem to be focused on retaining their flag I suggest a diversion. Howard and Leonard go here and here and start firing while Penny and I will be here and here potting off the enemy as they scatter in the other direction. That should leave Raj free to capture the flag."
Leonard took a moment to digest the information.
"That could work," he said at last. "You know, if you like precision planning."
"Suck it up, Leonard," Penny giggled as she gave him a playful elbow.
"Yeah, suck it up," echoed Howard as he batted his eyes.
"Gentlemen, we're wasting time," Sheldon barked as he stood and erased the map with his foot.
"'Gentlemen'?" Penny snorted.
"It's war, Penny. Social pleasantries are at a minimum," he replied.
"But you'll always be a woman to me," Howard cooed.
Penny rolled her eyes as she put on her goggles.
"Don't be a victim of friendly fire, Howard," Leonard said as the rest of the gang prepared themselves for the assault.
Raj stood by the door while Sheldon counted down from his watch.
"Three, two, one!"
The door opened and Leonard and Howard went screaming out.
"They do know that totally gives their position away?" Penny said before darting after them.
"A general is only as good as his soldiers," sighed Sheldon before following.
Raj exited last with a big grin on his face. He felt it in his bones. Today was the day things were going to change.
XxX
Things were not going to plan. From how the Finkelstein cohorts were moving about they must have eliminated Howard and Leonard during the last flurry of action. As there was no more exchange of gunfire Sheldon could only assume that Penny had similarly been tagged. He bit the inside of his cheek in thought. He had no idea if Raj was still active. If he was then the East Texan would have to change positions in order to give him a chance at getting the flag.
Sheldon scanned the surroundings and spotted a mini trench in the dirt about a hundred yards to his left. Slowly he disengaged from his position and slinked his way as best he could until thinning cover forced him to crawl on his belly. Fortunately, the Finkelsteins were too busy celebrating their minor victory to notice him slither into the trench.
He pulled the container of paintballs from his belt and proceeded to load his weapon. At precisely this moment a motion caught his eye and he looked up to see a flash of blonde hair before he was bowled over by a flying body.
To his credit he didn't cry out. Neither did his attacker.
"Shit, sorry sweetie," Penny gasped as she caught her breath. "Didn't know it was you before I leapt."
"Need I remind you this is paintball not marine boot camp," he wheezed back. His right arm was pinned between the trench wall and Penny's body as the Nebraskan was lying on top of him.
"Sheldon, this is war," Penny giggled, her breath tickling his neck.
"So it'd be prudent if you got off me before we're discovered and summarily executed."
She sat up, her legs straddling his thighs.
"You're dirty," she said as she brushed some mud from his cheek with her thumb.
"I've been crawling in dirt. You do the math," he drawled.
As she scanned his face Penny noted that his usual sickly pallor was overtaken by redness from exertion, making the hollowness of his cheeks seem less pronounced. The dirt on his face was streaked as it had mixed with sweat. Combined with his camo gear she'd never seen him look so….
"You know you're hot, Dr. C?" she purred.
"Of course I'm hot. I've been physically exerting myself for the past forty five minutes."
Penny blinked before a snort of amusement escaped her lips and she got off him.
"Okay Sarge, what's the plan?" she asked.
"This position provides the maximum amount of available cover," he said as made sure his gun was ready to fire. "Assuming Raj is alive and in the vicinity of his original position we'll assault from right to left in order for him to gain access to the flag."
"And if he's not it's suicide."
"Correct."
"Lock and load," Penny grinned. Sheldon nodded once before each took a position at either end of the trench.
"Three, two, one," he said.
They popped up and began to fire.
XxX
Leonard and Howard were at the base camp waiting and chatting when Raj came skipping down the path waving the red flag. Behind him were a dirty and paint covered Penny and Sheldon.
"Awesome!" Howard and Leonard cheered as they hi-fived each other.
Penny snorted. "Yeah, like they did the work."
"Let them celebrate; after all it is a team victory," Sheldon replied evenly. "I'll tell them they've been replaced by Lawrence Finkelstein and his cousin later."
xTBBTx
"If this is your idea of a miniature time machine I'd hate to see what a full size version is," chuckled Howard as he used the screwdriver to unhook the five foot dish from the back of the machine.
"I just assumed," Leonard replied sheepishly as he jammed a piece of cardboard in the elevator door to keep it open. "I mean who sells a full sized time machine for eight hundred dollars?"
"I think the better question is what type of person buys a full sized time machine?" grinned Raj.
Sheldon shrugged as he opened the mailbox. "Leonard's penchant towards authenticity in science fiction collectables leaves him vulnerable to overindulgences bordering on the ridiculous."
"So why did you buy into it?" snapped Leonard.
"Just because you're insane doesn't mean I shouldn't take advantage of the situation," his roommate said. Here Sheldon grinned. "Besides, where else could I buy into a full sized time machine for two hundred dollars?"
"Okay that should do it," Howard said. "Grab the sides and the dish should just lift out."
Sheldon and Raj went on one side and Leonard and Howard the other and all strained and lifted.
"Higher!" Raj grimaced.
"Perhaps putting Howard and Leonard on the same side was a mistake," gasped Sheldon.
"By God Gump, you're a genius!" snapped the engineer.
They set the dish down and Sheldon and Howard traded places. Again they lifted and this time the dish cleared the mount. Shuffling as one the group set the dish against the wall and then let out a communal sigh of relief.
"That's step one," Leonard said. "Step two: get the machine in the elevator."
"Now I see why mad scientist labs are all on one floor," Raj mused. "Saves on the hernias."
"Why would a time machine builder necessarily be mad?" Sheldon asked. "I've puzzled over time travel for years and I'm not insane." The lanky man was oblivious to the others staring at him in disbelief. "So let's test this out." He pushed on the time machine and it didn't move. "My, that's heavy."
"Well there are four of us so that divides the work. Basic physics," Leonard said amiably as Raj, Howard and he joined Sheldon.
They pushed. It didn't move. They pushed harder. It moved a couple of inches.
"You know what else physics says? We need muscles to do work." Howard flexed his fingers trying to get feeling back into his hands.
From the stairs came the sound of Penny giggling. Quickly the four men went back to the time machine and stood in various poses pretending to think. From around the corner Penny and a hunky blonde haired man appeared and descended the stairs.
"Oh, hey Penny," said Leonard.
"Hey guys," she replied. "Listen there's something wrong with the elevator."
"No, I just jammed it so we could get the, uh, machine in the elevator."
"Oh." She peered at the contraption. "What is it?"
"It's a time machine," cooed Sheldon. Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
"Seriously?" asked Penny's companion.
"Of course not, Mike," she said before looking to Sheldon. "Right?"
"It is a time machine," Sheldon said. "If, however, you mean a functioning time machine then the answer is no. It's a movie prop from the movie The Time Machine."
"Wow. Kinda big, huh?"
"Well it'd have to be since it carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy."
"I think that's enough details for now," Leonard sighed. "I'm sure Penny and her, uh, date would like to continue with their evening."
"You need a hand with that, bro?" Mike asked.
"No, we've got it," the bespectacled man said quickly.
"In what universe do we have it?" laughed Howard. "Oh, wait, the ones in which we're telekinetic or cyborgs."
Mike moved to the back of the time machine and gave it a shove towards the elevator. He then went to the front and lifted the end over the elevator threshold before pushing it inside.
"Thanks Mike," Penny said.
"Yeah, thanks," Leonard said sullenly as Mike went to Penny and put a hand around her waist. "Have a good night," he said in mock cheerfulness.
"'Night guys," she said as Mike and she exited the lobby.
"Let's get this puppy into the apartment," Raj gushed as he raced up the stairs.
"Whatever," Leonard said listlessly.
Sheldon turned to his roommate. "Is there something wrong?"
"I believe this is called aspiring hopes for coitus with Penny crashing into geek mountain," Howard explained.
"Why? I thought you said your date with Penny was satisfactory?" Sheldon asked Leonard.
"Sheldon, girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines," the engineer continued.
"But in the original film Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with our very same time machine," countered the East Texan. "Besides, your basic premise is flawed. Penny has neither clones nor an identical twin so there are, in fact, no other girls like her."
"Look can we just get it into the apartment?" gruffed Leonard as he stomped up the stairs.
"I'll ride with the machine since I'll fit in the elevator," said Howard.
Sheldon nodded and ascended the stairs behind his roommate.
XxX
Sheldon came down the hall wearing his Flash shirt and plaid pants and stopped in the living room to stare thoughtfully at the time machine.
"It really is too big for the living room," he tsked. He stepped towards it and put a hand on the lever. A moment more and then he climbed into and sat in the machine. Sheldon stared at the sequencer. He could go anywhen in time. Should he see what physics had discovered in the future? Perhaps he could go back and meet the members of the Manhattan Project and dazzle them with modern science?
Sheldon set the coordinates and pulled the lever. The disk behind him spun and lights flickered until the machine came to a stop. He got up and ventured to the apartment door, pausing for a moment to gather himself before opening it and stepping into the hall.
"Hi!" said a chipper female voice.
"Hello," he replied and walked to apartment 4B. "I'm Sheldon. Your neighbor."
"Penny," grinned the blonde. "Nice to meet you, Sheldon."
"I don't know if you've had time for dinner but it is after five and you're welcome to partake in Indian food at my apartment."
"I'd love to," she said and closed the door before following him.
"What's that?" she gasped as she took in the giant contraption.
"It's a time machine," he replied.
Penny giggled. "Seriously?"
"Penny, I'm always serious."
A Morlock came down the hall. "Wow, hi," he said to Penny in Leonard's voice.
"Hey," she replied, "I'm Penny. I'm moving in across the hall."
"That's terrific! Say, you must be hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
"Sure," she agreed.
"Actually I've invited her to eat with me," Sheldon interjected.
"Sheldon, there's no room with your stupid time machine in the living room," the Morlock tsked as he took up his keys from the key bowl by the door. "Let's go to Siam Palace. You'll love the food," he assured Penny as he gently pushed her out the door.
"Wait!" Sheldon cried. "I saw her first!"
The Morlock turned to him with a smarmy look on his face.
"Sheldon, girls like Penny never end up with guys with time machines." Pause. "Guys like you."
The door closed
In bed Sheldon moaned as he tossed and turned.
"No Morlock," he mumbled then slipped deeper into sleep.
xTBBTx
"So we're on for the market on Sunday?" Raj asked Howard as they walked from the lunch line to the table.
"Of course. Once I've devoured the breakfast of champions I'll be more than revved to charm the pants off some hippy chick," grinned the engineer.
"Dude, you eat Eggos and chocolate milk. It's the breakfast of eight year olds."
"Yeah, yeah." Howard noted Leonard sitting hunched over the table reading a document. The only thing he had in the line of lunch was a cup of coffee. "At least I'm actually eating—unlike Leonard." Raj and he sat down. "What are you reading?"
"The Roommate Agreement," Leonard replied. "Apparently I'd overlooked a few minor details. You know, don't cook with cilantro, stand behind the designated lines in the bathroom to brush teeth or use the toilet. Aha!" He read silently. "Well he's right. It's here."
"What is?" asked Raj.
"'Once a quarter occupants of 2311 North Los Robles apartment 4A shall partake in an emergency preparedness drill to be done on the time and date specified by Sheldon Cooper.'"
"You mean he's expecting the big one to hit California?" Howard took a bite of his casserole.
"He's expecting everything," snorted Leonard before taking a sip of coffee. "He woke me up at three am with a deck of cards containing cockamamie disaster scenarios like earthquakes, wild fires or a surprise invasion by Canada."
"So what was last night's disaster?"
"Technological Singularity has been achieved and artificial intelligence has run amuck. We had to neutralize threats in the apartment before securing it from outside invaders." Here Leonard cracked a grin. "I took out our vacuum cleaner."
Raj crunched on a carrot stick. "So how did it all end up?"
Leonard pulled out his phone. "He sent me the details: Readiness—unsatisfactory. Follows direction: adequate. Attitude: too much at times. Overall: Without prodding and direction I will be one of many victims of the Machine Overlords."
"Sucks to be you," chuckled Howard.
"Actually I did pretty good considering it was my first drill," countered the experimental physicist. "I did better than Penny at any rate."
Raj choked on his sandwich and took a drink of water to get it all down.
"Sheldon actually got Penny onboard with this madness?" the engineer gasped.
Leonard chuckled. "He went across the hall; I heard her say, 'it's three in the frakken morning, Sheldon!' and her door close; then he came back and said soberly that she'd already had a survival strategy called 'cranky lady with a baseball bat'."
Howard raised an eyebrow. "Sounds hot."
"Oh, she was hot alright. I—" Leonard paused as he scrolled his phone. "Huh. Sheldon added a hundred and fifty dollars to my second month's rent to cover my part of the emergency disaster kit which is really a bargain considering the price of dehydrated food alone."
"Obviously Sheldon isn't the only one who's crazy," Raj admonished lightly.
"Yeah, well my mother tested me for everything so I know I'm not crazy," Leonard said crisply.
"That's right. Know your psychological ailments, Raj," Howard said in mock seriousness. "Leonard's not crazy he's broken."
"Ha ha," Leonard grumbled before taking a sip of coffee.
xTBBTx
Penny paced back and forth in her apartment trying to calm down but it wasn't working.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid jackass," she growled. "I can't believe I was so stupid to think that he—" She stopped dead as she spotted the iPod sitting on the coffee table. In two strides she was there and scooped up the device before stomping across the hall and knocked at 4A.
Sheldon opened the door. "Hello Penny."
"Mind if I use your window?" she asked crisply.
"I suppose not," he replied and stood aside while Penny flicked off her flip-flops and sprayed her feet before racing across the room to open the window.
"Hey Jerkface!" she yelled outside. "You forgot your iPod!" She tossed it as hard as she could before closing the window.
"Well that was rude," Sheldon tsked.
"Oh, I'll tell you rude," his neighbor seethed. "That stupid self-centered bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog! I mean I've got prison inmates flooding my inbox with—" Penny stopped short as she realized that sitting between Howard and Raj on the couch was a strange woman with long, dark, curly brown hair and startling blue eyes that immediately grabbed the Nebraskan's attention. "Oh, hi," she said sheepishly.
"Hello," the woman replied in an East Texas twang as she glanced curiously at Sheldon. "Shelly, aren't yuh gonna introduce us?"
"Oh very well," the physicist huffed. "Penny, this is my twin Missy. Missy, my neighbor Penny." At this Missy brightened.
"Ah was hopin' tuh meet yuh," she gushed. "Ah heard a lot about yuh from Mama."
"Yeah," Penny replied as a flush covered her cheeks. "Let's just hope she doesn't hear about this."
"Muh lips are sealed," Missy promised.
"Mother doesn't read my Log," added her brother.
Penny gawked at her neighbor. "You mean you're going to write this down?"
"I make note of everything," he countered evenly.
"But you have an…got a good memory! Why do you need to write it down?"
"Because every Starfleet captain has a Log."
"What?"
"He's right," said Leonard. "Actually everybody on the Enterprise had a personal Log." He caught Penny's unimpressed glare and averted his eyes to stare at the floor.
She stuck out a finger warningly at Sheldon. "Do not put this in your Log. God, it's bad enough I'm in one blog already. Man, I wish I could erase it."
"Not that it would do anything," Sheldon said. "If what you said earlier is true it's likely your intimate details have been copied all over the internet. For instance," he took out his phone. "Were I to cross reference 'Penny' with 'Mike' and the more colloquial term for intercourse I'm sure—"
"Oh my God don't look it up!" She snatched his phone from his hand.
"Don't throw it out the window!" he cried.
Penny stared at the Google screen and saw a whole list of search results for Sheldon's query. She squeaked out an "I'm sorry" and handed back the phone before dashing from the apartment.
"Charmin' as ever Shelly," Missy said with a shake of the head.
"What did I do?" her brother asked.
"Remember in university when yuh made that math error on yuhr—"
"What's your point?" he snapped.
"Well what if ah had posted it all over the 'net for people tuh see?"
"I'll go check on Penny," said Leonard as he got out of his chair.
"No." Sheldon said firmly. "I'll go."
"She's already mad at you," his roommate warned.
"I've breached the Friendship Agreement by causing undue distress. I'm obligated by Section Four paragraph six to make this right." Sheldon went out the door and across the hall.
"'Friendship Agreement'?" asked Missy. "Is he still makin' up contracts?"
"Wait until Leonard tells you about the Roommate Agreement," chuckled Howard.
Over at 4B Sheldon knocked at the door and called Penny by name.
"Go away, Sheldon," came her reply.
He knocked again. "Penny."
"Go away!"
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Silence.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock
The door opened.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Penny spat, her cheeks damp with tears.
"Nothing," Sheldon replied. "Penny," he said out the side of his mouth. "I've been informed that's not the case with you."
She closed her eyes and took a breath before retreating from the door to the kitchen. Sheldon stepped into the apartment and closed the door.
"While I'm not responsible for posting your intimate details online it has been pointed out to me that you find the whole encounter humiliating," he said.
Penny sniffled. "Thank you." She wiped her cheeks. "Tell me the truth, Sheldon. Am I just an idiot who picks giant losers?" He cocked his head.
"Gathering from your age, occupation, sentence complexity and recreational activities I would say you're not intellectually challenged. As for your second premise I'm not sure of the loser scale to accurately judge Mike. Whereas you determine him to be a 'giant' loser he may in fact be a 'colossal' loser."
In spite of herself Penny chuckled. "Yeah, I like colossal." She sighed. "I just don't get what's wrong with me. There could be a million nice guys in the room and I go for the loser every time."
"While my interactions with people are limited it has been my experience that nice people tend to be in the minority," Sheldon replied.
"I guess." She sighed again. "You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me."
"Perhaps you should broaden your parameters. As it stands Leonard and Howard are eliminated from your selection based on the honesty quotient."
"Howard's also a douche."
"He did rig the university computers to set up 'bring your teenage daughter to work' day that ultimately resulted in Dennis Kim leaving to spend time with a new girlfriend." Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Although he does have what I can only describe as a 'creepy candy coating'."
Penny laughed. "Yeah he's something alright." Pause. "Nice, honest and cares about me. Almost describes you, y'know, if you actually cared about me," she teased.
"Of course I care about your wellbeing. We're friends. 'Like' has nothing to do with it," he shrugged.
Her jaw dropped but she quickly gathered herself.
"'Like' has everything to do with it, Sheldon. People are not friends with people they don't like."
"Ah." Pause. "Well I don't dislike you."
"That's good," she smiled. "For the record I like you, Dr. C."
He nodded. "A strong indicator you're not intellectually incapacitated."
"Okay genius, so what do I do about Mike?"
"I'm not sure there's anything to be done. Does either one of you possess the other's property?"
"No."
"That severs physical ties. I suppose that only leaves emotional ones but that's an area I'm unfamiliar with so you're on your own." He cocked his head. "Although when I'm feeling particularly blue I go to the koala pen at the zoo."
"That sounds like fun."
"Then I recommend you go sometime." He checked his watch, missing her big-ass grin. "Now if we've sufficiently resolved your emotional turmoil I should get back to my sister."
"Yeah I should probably introduce myself properly." Penny grabbed her keys and the pair exited her apartment.
"Tell me Missy, do you like pajamas?" asked Raj.
"Ah guess."
"They're Indian." He wiggled his eyebrows. "You're welcome."
"Oh yeah? Well us Jews invented circumcision," huffed Howard.
Leonard clapped a hand to his forehead and winced.
"And on that note," Penny said overly loud as Sheldon and she entered.
"My yuh're back," Missy said overenthusiastically as she popped off the couch. "Ah missed yuh, Shelly."
"That's odd," he said as he took the antibacterial spray from Penny and sprayed the bottoms of his slippers. "Nobody usually misses me. In fact I'm often told to go away."
"How are you feeling?" Leonard asked Penny.
"Better," she replied. "Cuddles here made everything roses," she said with a smirk as she indicated Sheldon with her head.
"'Cuddles'. Hardly," Sheldon snorted as he went to his computer and sat.
"So Missy, what brings you to town?" Penny sat on the arm of Leonard's chair.
"Muh friend's celebratin' her big three-oh an' she's never been tuh Disney World so we thought what the heck an' here we are," said Missy as she made to stand near Sheldon. "'Sides, Mama had papers for Shelly tuh sign from our daddy's estate."
"Something which could have been mailed," Sheldon interjected as he worked on his computer.
"But then ah wouldn't be able tuh check in on muh brother an' see his new squeeze," Missy teased. Sheldon straightened in his chair.
"'Squeeze'?" Leonard repeated as he looked questioningly at Penny.
"Just cuddling," Penny said innocently.
"'Cuddling'?"
"More like mauling," amended Sheldon as he resumed typing.
"Since when do I maul you?" asked Penny.
"As things stand you've mauled me twice."
"I was cheering you up," she snapped.
"Is that what they call it?" he said. "Alright, but I'm not sure what you were cheering me up for at Halloween when you"—here Penny's jaw dropped as she rushed from her chair.
"That's enough Sheldon!" she said excitedly. She clapped a hand on both of his shoulders causing him to flinch.
"See? She's doing it again!" he growled.
"Oh shush," Missy chuckled. "Don't mind Shelly, he's been all weird-like with touchin' his whole life. Must be because we spent nine months together with muh legs wrapped 'round his head."
"That'd be awesome were it not incestuous," Howard said. Both Sheldon and Missy gave him a stern look.
"Okay, now I see the resemblance," snorted Raj.
"Well, ah'd best be on muh way," said Missy. "It's a pain drivin' in rush hour tuh Anaheim but—"
"No!" Howard and Raj blurted. Both men turned to Leonard for help.
"You could always stay here," Leonard offered.
"Thanks but ah don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company."
"But Leonard does," countered Howard. "And as the place is fifty percent his you should take his invitation."
Missy was thoughtful. "Well it'd save me money on a hotel. The party's not until Sunday."
"Then it's settled," Howard said happily.
"That reminds me," said Raj as he looked to Leonard. "You still want that Superman Son of Krypton action figure for your birthday?"
Leonard felt Penny and Missy staring at him and he blushed. "Uh, no…. I said I wanted more paintball ammo. You know, because I like to shoot."
"Can't hit anything but he likes to shoot," Howard teased him, garnering a glare.
"It's your birthday?" asked Penny.
"Yeah. It's tomorrow," said Leonard. She smacked him on the arm.
"Why didn't you say so earlier?"
"It's no big deal. Just another year older is all."
"Well yeah. Sounds like a reason to get drunk right there," Penny teased before remembering with whom she was talking. "Okay, well, normal people would get drunk."
"My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal wasn't considered one of them," Leonard shrugged.
"That's so sad," Penny sighed.
Sheldon turned in his computer chair to address the group.
"Actually it's to be envied. I wish I grew up without that anguish," he said.
Penny raised an eyebrow. "Anguish?" Missy chuckled.
"Yuh should have seen the pout on his puss when Mama put the birthday hat on his head," she said.
"Not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation," Sheldon muttered.
"Well at least we had a bouncy castle."
"An overcrowded, sweaty hell."
"It's amazing you both blew out the same candles," said Raj before taking a sip of beer.
"God Lord, no!" squawked Sheldon.
"We had two cakes: mine which we blew out the candles on an' a little one for Shelly," explained Missy. "It was easier this way since he kept insistin' I get a physical before blowin' on the cake."
"You were expelling spittle. The last thing I want to imbibe is influenza," sniffed her brother.
"Or cooties," winked Penny.
Leonard checked his watch. "Well dinner should be ready." He got up and made for the door to put on his shoes. "Missy, you and Penny can eat here."
"So long as you have food of your own," said Sheldon.
"Sheldon, we can share," countered Raj.
"Yeah Shelly, we can share," agreed Howard.
"We're not hippies. Adding fifty percent to our number means a caloric reduction in complex carbohydrates and vegetables needed to stimulate my bowels. Unacceptable." Here Sheldon narrowed his eyes at Howard. "And don't ever call me 'Shelly'."
"Actually I was going to order pizza and watch Sex and the City," said Penny. She turned to Missy. "If that grabs ya you're more than—"
"God yes," Missy said quickly as she took in Howard and Raj's stares.
"Okay, well I'll be back." Leonard grabbed his keys and left.
Penny crept her way to the door and put an ear to it before looking through the peephole. Once she was satisfied Leonard was gone she turned to the room.
"Okay, tomorrow we're throwing Leonard a kick-ass birthday party," she said.
"Oh no we're not," countered Sheldon.
"Besides, in what universe does our company constitute 'kick-ass'?" asked Howard. "You ladies excluded of course."
"I can always ask my friends to come," offered Penny.
"Sounds great to me," smiled Raj.
"Excuse me but didn't you hear Leonard say that he didn't celebrate his birthday?" said Sheldon as he folded his arms across his chest. "Besides which this is my apartment and I'm extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity."
"Come on, Sheldon," pouted Penny. "He needs something to make up for his childhood."
"Ah could always stay an' help," offered Missy. At this Howard popped up with his arms over his head.
"It's on!" he cried triumphantly. Sheldon made to protest but stopped short as the engineer gave him a maniacal look. "Sheldon, time to put the crazy aside. The lovely Penny and Missy have decided call in Penny's equally lovely friends to celebrate Leonard's birthday. Now suck. It. Up."
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Fine. But it won't be here."
"Fine, we'll have it at my place," replied Penny with a fixed stare. "But since you're being difficult you have to help clean it for tomorrow."
"Most definitely not. This isn't my cockamamie idea."
"It's a Tier One Friendship Request," Penny said crisply.
"You can't make every request 'Level One' or else we might as well just call them 'requests'," Sheldon squawked.
"As you please. I'm requesting you to be at my place tomorrow to help clean it." Penny smiled sweetly. "Boy I'm glad we signed that Friendship Thingie." She opened the door and Missy winked at her brother before following Penny out.
"What fresh hell is this?" growled Sheldon before stomping off to his room.
Raj leaned back on the couch and pumpkin grinned. "Par-tay bay-be!"
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: Paintball