Reference to and dialogue from" 'The Pork Chop Indeterminacy"; "The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition"; "The Fuzzy Boots Corollary"; "The Dumpling Paradox"; "The Panty Piñata Polarization"
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Penny's jaw dropped as she stared at Missy.
"Oh my God, really?"
"Yep. Ah had tuh go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows muh Mama drew on," chuckled Missy as she gathered the magazines strewn about Penny's apartment. "Ah was really mad he tampered with muh Easy Bake Oven but ah guess it's just part of the perils of havin' a rocket scientist for a brother."
"I thought he was a theoretical physicist?" Penny took an armful of clothes into her bedroom.
"Yeah. But it drives him nuts when ah call him a rocket scientist."
"He needs that," Penny agreed as she returned to the living room to straighten her shelving unit. "I mean he's kinda kooky in some ways but there's other things that I wonder if he's like that because he's alone here, y'know?"
"He's always liked his privacy. When family would come tuh visit Mama would force him tuh come intuh the livin' room but he'd never stay," Missy recalled. "She was always forcin' Shelly tuh interact even though things rarely worked out well for him."
Penny turned to her companion. "You mean the neighborhood kids."
"Ah mean just about everyone. Neighbor kids, school kids." The East Texan chuckled. "He was a menace at Sunday School. The pastor actually thumped him on the head with a Bible."
"Wow."
Missy brought some newly discovered dishes to the sink. "Don't get me wrong, Shelly and ah went round an' round when we were little but ah did love him. Still do. It was just difficult at times understandin' him 'cause he never acted like a brother who cared about me."
"I know that one. You know what he said when I told him I liked him?" Here Penny twanged her voice. "'Well I don't dislike you.'" Both women laughed.
"Listen," Missy said slowly and immediately Penny could sense the change in tone. "Ah don't mean tuh be pressin' but Shelly's always been clueless when it comes tuh people so ah try muh best tuh steer him clear." She regarded the Nebraskan. "Ah'm not sayin' ah don't want yuh tuh be friends with muh brother, only that ah won't put up with anyone playin' with him. Yuh bein' his friend, yuh know how much it lit Mama's face when she said Shelly had an actual friend?"
"Yeah it really blew me away when he said that I was his first," nodded Penny.
"So's we're straight here: yuh play it right with him or else ah'm comin' back an' we'll have business."
Green eyes met blue.
"I swear Missy, I'm not screwing with him," Penny said firmly. At this Missy grinned.
"Ah know. Just had tuh get it out there is all. So." She clapped her hands. "This gets the prelims done. Now all we need is Shelly tuh give the place a spit shine an' we're in business."
"Okay," said Penny as she went to the washroom. "I've got some cleaners under the sink."
"Don't bother. If ah know Shelly he's got himself a department store of cleaners an' disinfectants. While ah'd be out playin' he'd spend his time with his imaginary friends cleanin' his room with different concoctions he'd made up tuh sanitize the place."
Knock Knock Knock "Missy and Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Missy and Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Missy and Penny."
"Door's open, Sheldon," Penny called.
"My arms are full," came his reply.
Missy went to the door and opened it to reveal her brother with a box of cleaning products.
"Well bless muh soul if it ain't Molly Maid come tuh the rescue," Missy said teasingly.
"My sister insists she's amusing," Sheldon tsked as he bee-lined to the coffee table. He took out an antibacterial cloth from the open dispenser and wiped the table's surface before setting down the box.
"Ah am amusin'. Yuh just don't have a discernable sense of humor, Shelly."
"That's not completely true," said Penny from the door to her bedroom. "He has an awesome laugh."
"Exactly," he sniffed to his sister.
"Although he does sound like an asthmatic man gasping for air," added the waitress garnering a glare from the physicist.
"I see you've gathered your clutter," he said crisply. "I'll clean the living room while you do your bathroom." He held out a spray bottle and Penny came over to collect it. "Use this to sanitize." He grabbed another bottle. "Use this for the chrome and your mirror. Don't forget the handle behind the toilet tank."
"Yes boss," Penny chuckled. "You going to come inspect it after?"
"That would mean I'd have to enter your bedroom which, at this point, with the amount of dirty laundry on the floor would be walking through a biohazard."
"Don't sweat it, Penny, ah'll help yuh," said Missy. "We'll just leave Shelly tuh his play friends an' they'll have the place ship-shape in no time."
"They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues," he countered as he slipped on a pair of latex gloves. "Besides, I have one point five friends."
"One point five?"
"Leonard has merely agreed to the Friendship Clause in the Roommate Agreement whereas Penny has signed the full Friendship Agreement—which she uses against me to do things I don't particularly wish to do I may add."
"Yuh're right, that's not fair," Missy mock tsked. "Ah mean why have Penny go through mounds of paperwork tuh get yuh tuh do things when all it takes is a knee tuh yuhr testicles."
Sheldon turned to his sister. "I believe they call that assault."
"Naa, it's grabbin' a bull by the horns. An' it takes one tuh know one."
"You guys are Taurus?" gasped Penny.
"May eighth," confirmed Missy.
"That explains so much!" The two women ventured into the bathroom.
Sheldon shook his head and began to clean.
XxX
"Thanks for dinner," gushed Leonard as Missy and he rode the elevator to his floor. "It was really nice."
"Yuh're welcome darlin'," she smiled. "Ah couldn't have yuh by yuhr lonesome on yurh birthday no matter what yuh say."
"Too bad Penny got called in to work," he sighed.
A twinkle came to Missy's eyes.
"Why Leonard, am ah sensin' a raccoon droolin' in the hen house?" she cooed.
"Maybe," he said shyly as the doors opened and they stepped into the hall.
"Well speakin' of Penny she said she had somethin' for me in her apartment but ah don't like pryin' alone if yuh know my meanin'."
"Sure, no problem." Leonard waited as she unlocked Penny's door.
"After yuh," she said and he entered and turned on the overhead light.
All at once the concealed party guests jumped up.
"SURPRISE!"
Leonard let out a yelp and stepped back into Missy, who helped him stand straight. Penny dashed from behind the kitchen counter to the door.
"Happy Birthday, Leonard!" she gushed happily. In response he smiled even as his hands went to his pockets as if to search for something. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he gasped as he pulled out his inhaler and shook it.
Penny paled. "Oh my God are you asthmatic?"
"It's no big deal," he said and took a huff. He gave a closed mouth wide smile as he held his breath.
"Now that we've nearly succeeded in killing Leonard can I go?" asked Sheldon as he came up to Penny.
"Shelly, this is a party," his sister chided. "We agreed yuh'd stay fifteen minutes."
"Well it doesn't mean it has to be the first fifteen much less consecutive minutes," he huffed. He caught Missy's eyes narrow and he covered his testicles as he took a step back.
"Let's get it on, people!" shouted Raj who raised his bottle of beer even as he started the stereo. Immediately the apartment was abuzz with revelers going for alcoholic beverages that had appeared on the counter.
Sheldon covered his ears with his hands and stood next to the door with a scowl on his face as Penny and Missy took Leonard to the counter for a drink. The lanky man stared at Howard as he slid a shot over to Penny who then gave it to Leonard. Not sure what to do Leonard toasted the air.
"Opa!" he said and downed the drink. He began to cough and Penny pounded him on the back.
"Only twenty six more to go," laughed Penny.
"Actually the bladder can only hold about sixteen ounces of liquid," Leonard replied.
"I happen to have a bathroom, y'know."
"Oh." He grinned. "Yeah."
"Ah think we'll pace this horse," Missy chuckled as she turned to her brother.
The door was open and Sheldon was gone.
XxX
Penny gave a 'shave and a haircut' knock at 4A before opening the door. Sheldon swiveled in his computer chair.
"I didn't say you could come in," he said.
"Well you didn't say I couldn't," she replied easily. Sheldon folded his arms across his chest.
"Penny, there's a social protocol whereby a person's knock at the door is answered by the dweller. If people could just come and go as they pleased we might as well not have any doors."
"Eyah. How about we get philosophical later," she said. "It's time for cake. Can you get it for me?"
Sheldon went to the refrigerator and pulled out the cake.
"You're sure there's no dairy in it?" he asked. "Because Leonard won't be allowed in the apartment if it does."
"Positive. Wait! You've got to put candles in it."
Sheldon sighed as he took the pack of birthday candles from the counter and proceeded to place the candles on the cake.
"I'd ask if there was anything else you expect me to do but I've no interest in jumping through a hoop tonight," he drawled.
"Come on, Sheldon, it's not that bad," Penny laughed. "I mean you're not wearing a birthday hat."
"No amount of requests will see that horror repeat itself," he said as he picked up the cake and brought it to the door.
"Noted." Penny flicked the lighter she had in hand and lit the first candle. "This is a weird candle pattern," she said as she picked up the candle and continued lighting the others.
"It's in the shape of my favorite amino acid," Sheldon replied.
"Of course," she said with a shake of the head. "Why does everything have to be science with you?"
"Penny, there wouldn't be anything without science," Sheldon tsked. "For instance, your candle flame is the result of oxidation reactions which essentially vaporize the wick. Flames are the visible light emitted by highly excited electrons decaying to lower energy levels, which explains why different chemical materials have different color flame."
"I just like spinning the lighter wheel and poof! We have fire!"
Sheldon frowned. "Perhaps the proper question is why are you so ignorant of science?"
"Because I'm busy living life, Sheldon," she said sweetly. "Now gimmie the cake."
"You're sure you're not too inebriated to carry it?"
Immediately a flash of Sheldon standing before her wrapped in his comforter came to Penny's mind.
"I don't get drunk anymore," she said firmly.
"A wise decision," he said evenly as he opened his door.
"Grab your keys, Sherlock, you're coming with me."
"Given the diminished level of sobriety and loud noise in your apartment I'd rather abstain."
"But it's tradition everyone comes and sings Happy Birthday," she pouted. "You have to come."
He paused. "So you're saying this is a non optional social convention?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh, alright." He grabbed his keys from the bowl and they both exited the apartment.
"Happy Birthday to you," Penny began to sing as she walked into her living room.
The rest of the revelers joined in and Leonard was absolutely ecstatic as he saw the chocolate cake with his name and 'Happy Birthday' on it.
"Cool, the candles look like the lysine amino acid," he slurred. Penny turned to Sheldon who gave her a 'see I told you' smirk.
"Make a wish, silly pie," Missy prodded. The physicist closed his eyes and blew out the candles. Raj handed him the knife to cut the cake.
"The ritual's complete," said Sheldon and turned to go only to be stopped by Penny's hand on his arm.
"Not so fast. It's cake time," she said.
"No thank you."
Penny made a grim smile as they locked eyes.
"Sheldon, it's your point five's night and you're going to support him, kapieche?"
Missy smiled to herself as she saw Penny drag her brother over to the counter and hand him a piece of cake and a fork.
"Just one bite," Penny said.
"No," Sheldon replied firmly.
"It's bad luck if everyone doesn't have a piece."
"Penny, there's no such thing as luck, good or bad. Really, your belief in superstitious nonsense is incredible."
"So take a bite before I toss you in the cannibal pot."
"I hardly doubt cannibals ate birthday cake."
"Did Missy have a particular testicle she liked to hit first?"
Sheldon glared as he took a piece of inner cake and popped it into his mouth. Penny took a plate for herself and took a bite.
"Good cake, huh?" she said with her mouth full.
"It's moist and spongy and the icing is both smooth and chocolaty without being overly sweet," he said. "Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go sanitize my mouth." Sheldon handed the cake and fork to Penny and walked away.
XxX
Sheldon heard a noise at the door before it opened and Leonard came into the room supported on either side by Penny and Missy.
"Honey, I'm home," he slurred happily.
"Shelly, come take him tuh bed," said Missy.
Sheldon saved what he was working on and closed the laptop.
"I don't see why this is my responsibility," he grumbled as both Penny and his sister walked Leonard to the couch where he flopped on the arm.
"He's yuhr roommate and it's what they do."
"It's not in the Agreement," he countered. Missy sighed.
"It's an unwritten one."
"So what's happening?" Leonard asked Penny.
"Bedtime for bonzo, chum," she replied.
"Cool," he grinned goofily and leaned his head on her shoulder.
Missy barely had time to step aside as Sheldon flew to Leonard's side and firmly gripped his arm and lifted his roommate.
"Where are you taking me?" Leonard asked.
"To bed. You're inebriated," Sheldon said crisply.
"Ah." Leonard looked to Penny. "This is the best birthday ever."
Penny smiled. "You're welcome, sweetie."
Sheldon and Leonard shuffled to the hall before the shorter man stopped and turned to the ladies.
"I didn't tell you my wish," Leonard said.
"What is it?" asked Penny.
"I wished I could go on a date with you."
Penny's eyes widened. "Oh." She took in Leonard's earnest face. "Um, sure."
"Cool," he said dreamily.
"You'll see yourselves out," Sheldon said as he practically dragged Leonard down the hall.
"I'll give the stragglers a half hour more and then I'm kicking people out," said Penny as the two women left the apartment.
Missy closed the door after herself with a grim look on her face.
XxX
Missy came out of the washroom wearing a pair of sleep shorts and camisole and went to the living room where her brother was laying out sheets and blankets on the couch.
"Thanks again for lettin' me stay in yuhr room, Shelly," she said. "Ah know it isn't comfortable for yuh."
"While your stay was unexpected I didn't want you going back to Mama and saying I wasn't doing my utmost to accommodate you," he replied.
"Still it's appreciated." The twins looked at each other.
"You're welcome," Sheldon said before taking off his housecoat.
"That Penny's quite a gal," Missy said slowly as she leaned against the hall wall. "Ah can see why yuh like her."
"I'm her friend. Apparently that obligates me to 'like her'," he said as he folded his housecoat and set it on the arm of Leonard's chair. Missy shook her head.
"Ah don't know how yuh're measurin' it, Shelly, but it ain't just friendship yuh're workin' with."
For his part Sheldon straightened to regard his sister.
"Am I doing something wrong?" he said in a voice that to all but his twin sounded like a casual remark.
She smiled warmly. "Nothin' at all."
"Well don't alarm me like that," he twanged as he settled himself on the couch. "There's already a plethora of variables regarding Penny's idiosyncrasies I've yet to master." He straightened the covers and lay back on his pillow. "I'm trying to be her friend but she baffles me."
"Yuh'll figure it out, Shellybean," said Missy as she clicked off the light. "'Night."
"Good night," Sheldon replied and slipped the sleep mask over his eyes.
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Penny narrowed her eyes, her tongue slightly sticking out and clamped between her teeth as she focused on the television screen.
"That's it," Leonard said encouragingly. "Now remember that you've got more than your pulse rifle—"
"Yeah, yeah, grenades, sniper rifle," she mumbled as her thumbs and fingers worked the rumble joystick.
Sheldon came out of the washroom holding his stomach. Leonard and he came home late from the university so dinner was rushed before they dashed to the comic store. Needless to say the digestive distress was extreme and Sheldon asked his roommate to take him home.
"How are you feeling?" asked Leonard as the lanky man sat down in his spot.
"Better now that I've taken something for the acid reflux," Sheldon replied. "Next time I don't care what Gablehauser has to say I'm leaving at—"
"No talking," Penny growled and there was a flurry of activity as her avatar hurdled her way through the wrecked urban landscape.
"You're playing Halo," Sheldon said. "You didn't tell me you played Halo."
"She didn't until fifteen minutes ago," grinned Leonard before an explosion took his attention. "Damn!" He clicked furiously and the controller quaked in his hands before all went dead.
"So why did she manage to corner and kill you?"
"Guess I like hunting the most dangerous game, too," Penny crowed as she set the controller on her lap. "Sorry for taking your place, sweetie," she said to Sheldon. "But you were in the washroom when I came in and Leonard was playing so I thought what the heck."
"Fortunately we have two more controllers," said Sheldon as he got up to fetch a controller from the box by the game unit.
"No, it's okay. You can have mine."
"Penny, until Raj and Howard arrive it'll only be Leonard and me—hardly competitive."
"Hey!" whined Leonard. "I'm not that bad."
"I'm not saying you're bad, only that I'm that go—"
Penny picked up her controller and clicked a button.
"Wow," she giggled. "Who did I just blow up?"
"Me," snapped Sheldon. "Hardly sportsmanlike since I wasn't ready to—"
Another explosion.
"Oops," she said innocently although her face was all business.
"Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken," Sheldon growled as he clicked furiously.
"Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie."
Several sounds of laser fire filled the room. Leonard moved his avatar to a hiding position so he could watch Penny as she took apart Sheldon. There was absolutely no doubt about it: Penny was a natural. The East Texan was hard-pressed to keep her at bay.
"This is fun," Penny chuckled.
"This is war," Sheldon said with a frown.
More clicking. Another explosion.
"Look, it's raining you!" Penny said triumphantly.
"This is fun," laughed Leonard, garnering a glare from his roommate.
Two knocks at the door preceded Howard and Raj entering the apartment.
"Howdy gents," said Howard. "Holy smokes is Penny playing Halo?"
"She's kicking Sheldon's butt," said Leonard gleefully.
"She's not 'kicking my butt'," snapped Sheldon as he maneuvered his avatar into position.
Howard and Raj came to stand behind the couch and watch the television.
"Beauty and can use a pulse rifle. Marry me," the engineer gushed.
"Nice try," said Penny as she did her best to find Sheldon.
Suddenly there was a flurry of activity and before she could do anything she was down for the count.
"Muah, ha, ha," chortled Sheldon.
"Man, I didn't even see you," Penny snorted.
"Mock my skill, will you?"
"Still, you've got to admit Penny's pretty good for a newbie," Leonard said.
"She's…adequate," Sheldon conceded.
"And with that complement," she laughed as she stood and handed Raj her controller. "Thanks for the password, Leonard."
"No problem," he replied. Sheldon looked inquiringly at him.
"Password to what?"
"Penny needed to look some thing up online so she's using our wifi to—"
"You've compromised the integrity of our wifi?!" Sheldon twanged.
"It's no biggie," said Penny. "I'll just be on it for a few minutes. See ya." She closed the door behind her.
"We didn't discuss this," seethed Sheldon.
"I didn't think it was a big deal," countered Leonard.
"Here we go," chuckled Raj.
"No big deal?" squawked Sheldon. "No big—Leonard you might as well have invited Penny in to loot the apartment."
"She's using bandwidth, not rooting through your underwear drawer," Leonard sighed.
"Suppose she's committing online fraud? Or selling State secrets to North Korea? It'll trace back to us."
Leonard just stared at his roommate before getting out of his chair.
"I'm going to the washroom and when I return we're playing Halo," he huffed and stalked off.
"Remind me to buy you a copy of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'," Raj said to Sheldon.
"I don't want any more friends," Sheldon said crisply. "The ones I have are problematic enough." He got up and went to the refrigerator for a bottled water.
"And I think we know what that problem is," Howard said quietly to Raj.
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Leonard came into the living room a nervous mess.
"So how do I look?" he squeaked.
Sheldon turned in his computer chair.
"Well the second shower helped. Your armpits no longer look like flood zones," he said evenly.
"Great," Leonard sighed. "This is going to be great." He began to pace. "Only five more minutes and I go and pick up Penny and we'll have a nice meal and maybe a drink or two and then a walk in the park or beach and maybe we'll—"
"I don't see how this concerns me," Sheldon said crisply before returning to his computer. "What Penny and you consent to do is between yourselves."
"Of course it is. I'm not seeking approval I'm just running through my game plan."
Sheldon stopped typing to regard his roommate. "So Penny is a game to you?"
"Of course not!" Leonard snapped. "I need a plan for tonight because if I wing it I'll screw it up."
"Huh."
Leonard stopped pacing and frowned. "What's 'huh'?"
"Well it's just my understanding that Penny prefers to 'work on the fly' as it were. I think today's urban youth call it 'keeping it real'."
"Having a plan doesn't mean I'm not 'keeping it real'. In fact I'd say I'm prepared for anything. For instance, at the date's end I walk her to the door. I give her a kiss on the cheek and ask to see her again. Maybe she suggests the date isn't finished yet and invites me in for coffee."
"As she keeps coming here for morning coffee I find it highly unlikely she'd invite you in for coffee," Sheldon sniffed.
"It's not real coffee. It's an euphemism for coitus. Oh God, coitus!" Leonard took out his puffer and gave it a shake before taking a dose.
"I see." Sheldon cocked his head in thought. "So when she comes over for coffee she's actually been propositioning you?"
Leonard was still holding his breath so all he could do was stare incredulously at his roommate. There was a knock at the door and he took a deep breath before going to answer it. Penny stood before him in a cute flowered dress and a nervous smile.
"You look nice," he sputtered.
"So do you," she replied as she took in his dress shirt, sport coat and crisp beige pants. "Listen, I finally made it to the store so I just wanted to thank you." She gave him a can of coffee. "I doubt it's your brand but the clerk at the store said it was good."
"Thanks, though it's not necessary. I like having you over for coffee."
She smiled. "Well I don't mind making that a tradition."
Leonard turned to Sheldon. "Take coffee off the shopping list. Penny just gave me a tin."
"You tramp!" Sheldon said to Penny before storming to his room.
Penny was openmouthed as she gawked at Leonard.
"What the hell was that about?" she said.
"Uh, hard to tell with Sheldon," stammered Leonard as he set the coffee tin on the side shelf and took his keys. "His mom warned him about taking drugs so he's a little sensitive over the—" He checked his watch. "Look, we're going to miss our reservation!"
They exited and he shut the door behind them.
XxX
Penny laughed. "So that's when I learned that there's a correct way to assemble a hamburger." She took a sip of her dessert wine.
"Actually the variables for burger assembly rely on what ingredients are on hand," said Leonard. "For instance if you had ketchup, mustard, cheese, tomato and pickles there's a hundred and twenty combinations."
"You think Sheldon's tried them all?"
"It's a possibility. He went over his scrambled egg experiment with me and it was pretty thorough."
"Do I even want to know?" Penny asked.
"At the end of the day he concluded that they're as good as they're ever going to be," smiled Leonard. "No difference if they're white, brown, large, small, free range, etcetera."
"Wow. Just when I thought the weaving was weird enough." She took another sip of wine.
"I don't think I'll even ask." Leonard took a sip of water. "So anyways this was nice. Thanks for coming out with me."
"Yeah, it was fun," she agreed with a smile. "It's been a long time since I've been out to a fancy dinner with a guy. I mean since Kurt it's only been a bunch of rebound sex, you know?"
"Yeah," Leonard said with a neutral face.
"Actually Sheldon's been the first guy I've met since then that I haven't slept with." Leonard nodded as he took a sip of his wine. "And now I've met you." Her dinner companion began to choke. "Leonard?" She got out of her chair and gave his back a thump.
"Thanks," he squeaked before clearing his airway with a couple of coughs.
"Didn't want to end the night with a little CPR," she said, relieved.
"It's okay," Leonard blushed. "So you were saying you met me. Yeah I guess you did. I mean we wouldn't be here now if we hadn't met." He took in Penny's odd look. "Go on," he said awkwardly.
"It's just that I've had male friends but they're usually pre-boyfriends, y'know? Sheldon's different." Here she laughed. "He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me."
"That's hard to believe."
"It's really not a shock. I mean he's a brainiac who came up with experiments I can't even pronounce when he was five." Penny shook her head. "I'm like a blonde monkey."
"I wouldn't say that."
She sat back and grinned. "You know I tried to impress him by saying I was a community college graduate?"
"Oh really? What did you take?" asked Leonard.
"Uh, gen. ed."
"I mean what did you graduate in?"
Penny leaned forward. "Tell you a secret?" She cupped a hand to her mouth and whispered. "I dropped out." She leaned back. "Don't tell Sheldon."
"If it makes you feel better I doubt it matters to him one way or the other if you graduated from community college," Leonard said neutrally.
"Well I'd feel like an idiot if he found out. Here I am telling him to be honest with me and then I lie to him." She sighed. "I wish I could go back and finish."
"See? You want to go back so it's not like you lied to Sheldon about finishing because your intention is still there to finish."
Penny blinked before chuckling. "Wow. You are a b.s. machine!"
"I have an M.S to go with it," he winked.
"You're an awesome guy, Leonard," she said whole-heartedly. "I'm lucky to have a friend like you."
"Yeah," he said dully albeit with a smile. "Friend." Penny caught the tone.
"Leonard, you're not a 'fling' kinda guy and it's been too soon since Kurt," she said seriously. "I mean I was with him for four years and—"
"It's okay, you don't have to explain."
They both took a big sip of wine.
"I'm surprised you weren't all after Missy like Howard and Raj," she said.
"Well I do have a thing for a certain blonde neighbor across the hall."
"Ah."
"Besides, Missy's too tall." A little smile came to Leonard's lips. "And perfect." Penny laughed and swatted his arm.
"You dog!" she giggled. Leonard shrugged playfully with a blush on his cheeks. In response Penny bit her lip. "So, friends?" she asked hesitantly.
Leonard stared at the beautiful blonde. He should have known that Penny would never be interested in him. He was short, near sighted, lactose intolerant. And yet she gave him a birthday party and went out on a date with him. She didn't have to do those things but she did.
Not that it didn't suck big time that she didn't want to pursue anything with him but he knew as he took in her hopeful green eyes that she was kindness personified.
"But not your gay friend," he amended with a smile. "Just putting that out there in case you ever exercise poor judgment." Penny was amused.
"No offence but you'd have to dress better to be my gay friend," she winked.
XxX
Penny was all ears while Leonard talked as she opened her apartment door.
"—And that's why my mother named me 'Leakey'—not because I had bed-wetting issues as a child," he said adamantly.
Penny was shocked. "I can't believe your mother wrote all about that."
"Yeah, it was a real joy, especially when I was five and shaking people's hands and sometimes I'd get a comment about how strong my handshake was and mother would say that must be because I was in the phallic stage of psychosexual development and continually holding my penis." Penny couldn't help but laugh.
"You poor thing," she cooed and embraced him.
The door to 4A opened and Sheldon emerged with a laundry basket in hand.
"Oh, hey Sheldon," Penny said brightly as she broke the hug. "Laundry time, huh?"
"It's Saturday," he said evenly. "I see you've concluded your date."
"Yes," Leonard replied.
"Was it successful?"
"We had a good time," smiled Penny as she patted Leonard's arm.
"I see." Sheldon eyed Leonard. "As you'll be off to satisfy her sexually I'll say goodnight to you both now." Penny's mouth became a giant 'O' as he pressed the elevator button.
"We're not having sex," Leonard assured him.
Sheldon was confused. "But you said the date went well. And she gave you coffee."
"It did go well," Penny said slowly. "Leonard and I decided we'd be friends and that's great news." Pause. "And what's with the coffee thing?"
"Nothing!" Leonard quickly interjected.
The hall was silent.
"Well, anyways, I had a great time," Leonard gushed.
"Me too," Penny said right back. They hugged and Penny flashed a smile at both men before closing her door.
More silence until the elevator doors opened. Sheldon cleared his throat and Leonard scurried to their apartment and dashed inside. The theoretical physicist stood a moment in thought before entering the elevator.
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Leonard ran his bow across the strings of his cello as he readied himself in his chair. He began slowly and mournfully Bach's Prelude to his cello Suite Number Five in C Minor. As he played he thought over the past week and in particular his date with Penny. He still felt kind of depressed that there wasn't more between them but he counted his blessings that someone like Penny was interested in him, period. Besides, after the awkwardness at the restaurant they really did have a good time. He frowned slightly. Things did get a little awkward with Sheldon at the end, though. Beyond the coital comment there was something about how Sheldon stood there holding the laundry basket that made Leonard feel as if he was caught playing with his roommate's possession. He knew that Sheldon was protective of Penny so that must have been what Leonard detected because if it was more than that it would mean Sheldon actually had—
Suddenly there was a loud but deep caterwaul emanating from Sheldon's room.
"What the hell?" Leonard stopped playing and was quite overwhelmed by the droning that wasn't a droning. All he knew was that it was annoying and that he'd pop out his own eardrums with a pencil if he had to hear much more of it.
"Sheldon!" he shouted. The sound stopped and a moment later Sheldon appeared in the living room.
"Yes?" he said.
"What the hell are you doing?" The lanky man clasped his hands behind his back.
"Well as you've unilaterally decided to play music at this point in time I had one of two options. One, I come out here and lodge a formal complaint under the Roommate Agreement or two, I join in."
"By growling like a maniac?"
"Hardly. I was practicing my Tuvan throat singing." Sheldon grasped his Adam's apple and proceeded to make a grumbling, throaty sound.
"Stop!" Sheldon obliged. "I propose an amendment to the Roommate Agreement: no more Tuvan throat singing."
"That's an odd amendment."
"We can file it as a counterproposal to no one whistling in the apartment."
Sheldon thought about it.
"Alright," he said at last. "As long as you no longer watch Babylon 5 in the living room."
"What does Babylon 5 have to do with throat singing?" gasped Leonard.
"Whereas throat or overtone singing has been a source of entertainment and meditation for hundreds of years in Siberia Babylon 5 is J. Michael Straczynski's gasping attempt at a space opera that is neither entertaining nor contemplative."
"That is ridiculous," huffed Leonard. Sheldon shrugged and again made a low, monotonous drone. "Okay fine!" Silence. "No more Babylon 5 in the living room."
"Excellent. I'll draw up the addendum," Sheldon said with a satisfied twitch of a smile. He made to go to his room but stopped in the hallway. "By the way, your cello playing is quite good."
"Thank you."
Sheldon went to his room. Leonard shook his head and returned to his sheet music to find where he'd stopped. He took a deep breath to calm himself and began to play. Note after note came out and with it the stress of the day as—
A strange sound as if someone was trying to tune in an old style radio came down the hall.
"Is that a theramin?" Leonard called out.
"Yes," came the reply.
"Un-believable." Obviously the experimental physicist would have to schedule in cello time into the Agreement. Still he wanted to play now so what was he to do?
He played the opening to Original Series Star Trek and paused. Sheldon responded with his theramin. Leonard smirked and played again. Again Sheldon played back. Both men then played with gusto as deep wood vibrations danced with electronic audio signals.
It wasn't quite ebony and ivory but for them it worked.
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