Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Griffin Equivalency'; 'The Barbarian Sublimation'; 'The Tangerine Factor'; 'The Euclid Alternative'
xTBBTx
"Now?" Sheldon asked his roommate with a strained smile on his face.
"Not yet," murmured Leonard as he glared across the table at Raj. It took Leonard a lot of convincing to get Sheldon to skip on pizza night to come out to The Cheesecake Factory on a Thursday. Now that Raj had, after a sip or two of a grasshopper, turned into a complete douche he knew that Sheldon would never let him forget this night.
"That reminds me," grinned Raj. "People magazine is having a reception this Saturday and I managed to get you invited. Of course I couldn't get you into the VIP section because, well, you guys are just Ps while I'm a 'People Person'. A Big PP," he giggled and finished his drink.
"Tell me about it," Howard said icily as Penny arrived at the table with another grasshopper.
"Grasshopper round two," she said as she set it beside the astrophysicist. "Better pace yourself before the douche comes out."
"Boy that warning came a little too late," the engineer muttered.
"Penny, Penny," Raj replied in a condescending tone. "Don't worry your pretty head about me."
"Uh, sure," she said with a roll of the eyes.
"How quaint for a veritable untouchable to be concerned." Raj took another drink.
"Now?" Sheldon said more forcefully to Leonard.
"Just about," growled his roommate.
"So." Raj clapped his hands once. "Saturday night. Can I count on my posse?" Leonard and Howard glanced at each other to make sure each was on the same page.
"We'd love to Raj but Leonard and I are working on a rocket this weekend," Howard said in a voice that really didn't sound apologetic at all. "Ma's away so there won't be the incessant noise of a jumbo jet engine rumbling through the house."
"Oh." Raj was disappointed. "Okay." He turned to Sheldon. "So you and me buddy."
"I can make it," grinned Sheldon. "But I won't."
"Make it where?" asked Penny. "And what's with the ridiculous smile?"
"I'm just pleased as punch that Raj has been arbitrarily selected by questionable people—"
"Sheldon, we rehearsed this," muttered Leonard.
"Damn, this is hard." Sheldon closed his mouth and gave a wide smirk although Penny could see by his eyes that he was far from amused.
"Penny, I'm off to a party for People magazine to celebrate my article on Saturday," said Raj. "I realize it's short notice but since you're already ravishing it wouldn't take you long to get ready."
"I thought I was 'untouchable'?" Penny said sarcastically.
"Only because your beauty is above my worth."
Sheldon's eyebrows narrowed in a frown. "Actually, to be 'untouchable' in India means—"
"But we're not in India," Raj reminded him quickly. "So," he turned to Penny. "Would you do the honor of accompanying me? You'll never know who you'll meet in the VIP section."
"You mean she gets to go to the VIP section but not us?" snapped Howard.
"Sure," Penny agreed. She scribbled down her phone number on an order pad and gave it to Raj. "Call me tomorrow to make plans." She went off to get their appetizers.
"I've got her num-ber," Raj said in a teasing voice. "And a date."
"It's not a date," countered Leonard. "She's just going with you as a friend."
"And maybe our friendship can be beneficial to each other."
"You are being beneficial to each other: you're providing Penny access to a social outing while she's providing companionship," said Sheldon. Howard rolled his eyes.
"Sheldon, 'friends with benefits' are people who have sex with each other without dating," he said.
"Odd. That's what her ex-boyfriend accused Penny and I of having."
Raj laughed. "With your germ phobia? Now that's funny. God, you might as well be untouchable."
Immediately the East Texan dropped his smile.
"Now," he growled and took up his jacket from the back of his chair and departed.
Leonard glared at Raj before following his roommate.
"Damn, they're my ride," said Howard as he, too, got up.
"But you rode your vespa here," Raj replied, confused.
"Okay, then how about this: you're a douche and I want to go home."
"That makes more sense," nodded the astrophysicist.
xTBBTx
Beep Beep Beep Beep
Leonard turned off the alarm and lay back in bed. Another night's sleep disturbed by his roommate barging in, this time to remind him that mugs were to be washed, rinsed and set in the dish rack not left soaking away the remnants of hot cocoa in the sink. Now it was time to begin his day in the insane asylum that was Cooperville and have breakfast so he'd be ready to take a poop at seven thirty as agreed upon in the Roommate Agreement.
Now that he knew that Penny wasn't into him there really wasn't a reason for Leonard to stay although the apartment was nice and it was cool playing Rock Band with a bassist. Still, was Klingon Boggle until one am worth the strikes and harassment?
He put on his glasses and dragged himself out of bed, into his housecoat and slippers and trudged to the washroom to relieve himself. Leonard made sure he stood behind the tape Sheldon put on the floor in front of the toilet. He had no idea how the East Texan had determined at what distance the chance of urine backsplash diminished and frankly he didn't want to know. As he washed his hands he realized there would always be mysteries in science and in this instance was content leaving it as such.
Leonard ventured down the hall to find Sheldon sitting on the couch eating his cereal and watching the weather network. On the counter was the shorter man's mug from the night before. He picked it up, noted it was clean and dry and poured himself a cup of coffee.
"Good morning, Leonard," Sheldon said pleasantly. "I was thinking we could play Zork for Vintage Game Night."
"That sounds good." Leonard went to the refrigerator for his almond milk.
"Zork is quite distinguished in its genre in terms of both the quality of the text-based storytelling and the sophistication of its text parser which was not limited to simple verb-noun commands such as 'hit troll' but recognized some prepositions and conjunctions: 'hit the troll with the Elvish sword'."
"No kidding," Leonard smirked before taking a sip of coffee.
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Why would I kid about Zork? The game understands many common verbs, including 'take', 'drop', 'examine', 'attack', 'climb', 'open', 'close', 'count'—"
For someone who insisted he liked his privacy Leonard noted that Sheldon spent an awful lot of time babbling on about one thing or another. The initial drive to work was silent as Sheldon didn't like the radio but then the lanky man surprised Leonard the next morning when he produced a series of mind games to play. Then there were meals where Sheldon offered his, often unsolicited, opinion on every subject although to be fair his ideas were always interesting even if some were absolutely bat-crap crazy.
All Leonard had at his previous bachelor pad was silence.
Sheldon stood and brought his dishes to the sink and washed them.
"Don't forget to bring an umbrella," he said. "They're calling for rain in the afternoon."
Leonard nodded and Sheldon went to the washroom.
As the experimental physicist thought about his day he felt something while running a finger over the bottom of the mug. He raised it over his head and saw a simple label neatly centered across the bottom: Leonard's mug.
There was a knock at the door he'd hoped would come and then it opened and Penny's head popped in.
"Coffee?" she asked hopefully.
"Coffee," Leonard chuckled.
She came across the room in her brown slippers, Hello Kitty shorts and pink camisole holding out a large coffee mug. Leonard took it and went to pour her a cup.
"Something wrong with your mug?" she asked.
"Why?"
"You were looking at the bottom," she said as she went to the refrigerator for Sheldon's milk.
"Nope," he said cheerfully. "Nothing wrong with it at all."
"Good," she said and took a swig of her coffee. "Ah," she sighed before beaming at her companion. "Good morning, Leonard."
"Good morning, Penny," he grinned back.
The washroom door opened.
"Penny, you better not be using my milk," Sheldon called.
"Why would I use your milk?" she asked before giving Leonard a wink.
"Don't be innocent with me, missy. I know you're the milk thief," he twanged. "Leonard, is she using my milk?"
"I can neither confirm nor deny," his roommate said.
"That's a strike for the pair of you." The washroom door closed.
Penny and Leonard chuckled before taking another swig of coffee. Again the label ran along his finger. 'Leonard's mug'. His eyes glanced around the living room taking in the books and action figures and white boards.
On the coffee table were two umbrellas.
With a smile Leonard realized he didn't need a label to tell him he was home.
xTBBTx
Leonard sighed as he adjusted his plaid tie in the mirror. He had absolutely no inclination to go to Raj's party but Penny had practically begged him so he couldn't say no. Fortunately convincing Howard to accompany him wasn't difficult; all Leonard had to say was that there'd be girls and booze there and the engineer quickly agreed to go.
Leonard could foresee a night of drunken rejection as People magazine readers weren't the usual type to pick up scientists.
"No good can come of this," he mumbled before turning out the light and exiting the washroom. He went into the living room to find Sheldon sitting on the couch with his laptop, bottled waters on the side table and Goldfish crackers to his right.
"You know, you really are a genius for staying home," Leonard said.
"Leonard, I'd have to lose sixty I.Q. points to be a genius," Sheldon retorted as he typed on his computer.
"You look pretty serious for comic message boarding tonight."
"Actually, I'm playing Age of Conan. I realize it isn't Tuesday but Larry had an invite to the Island of Tordage and as a group we couldn't resist the challenge."
"Wish I could be there too," Leonard smirked. Sheldon raised an eyebrow.
"But you don't play Age of Conan."
"I know." Leonard realized his roommate was still confused. "It's just that I'd rather play Age of Conan with you than go to this stupid party."
"Then why are you going?"
"Because Penny asked me."
Sheldon snorted. "She asked me, too. I didn't have a problem saying no."
"But she doesn't want to go alone," countered Leonard.
"She's with Raj and a host of other people. She'd hardly be alone."
A knock at the door brought Leonard across the living room to answer it. His breath hitched as he took in Penny wearing a black cocktail dress with a short jacket. Her hair was tucked in a loose bun, making her neck a welcome distraction.
"Wow," Leonard managed to spit out. "I mean, hi."
"Hey," Penny said brightly as she stepped inside. "Are the guys here?"
"Not yet." Leonard cleared his throat. "You look great."
"Thanks," she replied. "You look—good." She felt the lapel of his burgundy suit. "I didn't know they still made corduroy suits."
"I'm not sure. This one's from grade eight."
"Seriously?" she chuckled.
"My last growth spurt," he sniffed.
"Huh." Penny turned to his roommate. "Last chance to come with us, Sheldon."
"I'd rather have Wolverine give me a prostate exam," he replied distractedly as he continued to work on his laptop.
"Take that as a definite 'no'," Leonard interpreted. "Besides, he's clearly built a nest." Penny looked curious. "See the snacks? All are within easy reach. Based on the number of bottled waters he's in for the long haul."
"I'll show you a long haul," teased Howard as he stepped up beside Penny on the mat. "Might I say you look positively ravishing this evening?"
"Why thank you, Howard," Penny replied, amazed that he was civil.
"Of course it'd be cooler if you wore something a little tighter since your butt has a jiggle that jam don't have."
Penny turned to him and narrowed her eyes. "You blew it, kiddo."
"Too much, huh?"
Sheldon turned towards the trio.
"Could you wait in the hall?" he asked evenly. "My game will commence shortly and I find your conversation irritating."
Leonard frowned. "Sheldon, that's not nice."
"I'm sorry." Sheldon smiled widely. "I'd appreciate it if you continued your salutations in the hall so I can prepare for battle."
"Battle?" asked Penny.
"Age of Conan," Leonard explained.
"Conan?"
Sheldon was incredulous. "Really Penny?" He shook his head disgustedly and went back to typing.
"Ooo bay-be, let's get the par-tay started," sang Raj as the elevator opened and he stepped out.
"Looks like M. Night Charmalarmalon has arrived," smirked Howard.
"Hello there, good people," Raj said with a goofy grin before taking a sip of champagne. "That's what you're wearing?" he asked as he looked over his friends.
"Yes," Leonard said crisply.
"Ah well, I suppose that's the difference between 'P' and 'PP'," he sighed. He handed Penny the other glass of champagne. "For you my dear."
"This sounds more like ca-ca," muttered the engineer to Leonard.
"Where'd you get the champagne?" asked Penny before taking a sip.
"People magazine sent me a limo. A limo!" Raj gave a final salute before downing his glass.
"And the Douche Two Thousand is ready for liftoff," murmured Leonard.
"Oh I think that flight left a long time ago," Penny replied. "Come on Raj, let's get you to the party before you fall on your face."
"Our chariot awaits," the astrophysicist said. He looked down his nose at Howard and Leonard. "We'll see you there."
"You mean we're not going with you?" snapped Leonard.
"Leonard," tsked Raj derisively. "It's a VIP limo and Penny and I are 'PPs' while you're—"
"We all go or you go by yourself," Penny said firmly. Raj's smirk faltered under her intense glare and he acquiesced with a little nod. Penny took two steps to the elevator before turning around. "And any snide comments and it's Junior Rodeo on." She waved her finger at the group although her eyes were on Howard and then Raj before stepping into the elevator.
"She's feisty," noted Raj who then pumpkin grinned. "I like that."
Leonard scowled at his friend as he closed the apartment door.
"Finally," sighed Sheldon. He put on his headset and logged into his game. "Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. Prepare to enter Axel's fortress in five minutes."
XxX
"Hey there," grinned a tall man with a blonde ponytail and Armani jacket as he took in Penny.
"Hi," she replied amiably.
"Well you've got meat on your bones so you're not a model. At the same time you're friendly so you can't be from L.A." He cocked his head in thought. "Chicago?"
"Nope. Nebraska born and bred. I'm Penny." She stuck out her hand.
"Alex," he replied as they shook hands. "So are you one of the 'Thirty Under Thirty'?"
"Oh God no. Just a plain ol' actress here although if it counts I'm friends with two physicists."
Alex was impressed. "Oh really? They ever bore you with their work?"
"Leonard mentioned that he worked with lasers while Dr. C. is a theoretical physicist. They both work at Cal Tech."
"Cool." He smiled, amused. "I love listening to guys babble about science stuff. They go on and on but their enthusiasm is infectious."
"Or talk to infinity about comic books or how they use physics to kick your ass at putt-putt." They both laughed.
"How did that go about?"
"Well Dr. C. and I went out golfing and he was making impossible shots left and right like when he used centrifugal force to counteract gravitational forces on the ball when it took the loop-de-loop."
"Who's Dr. C?"
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper. He's kinda"—here she smiled—"hard to describe. I mean how do you explain someone who makes glow-in-the-dark goldfish and experiments with making perfect scrambled eggs? Oh, by the way, after exhaustive research he's concluded they're as good as they're gonna be."
"That's good to know. Listen, I'd love to hear more about you and the mysterious 'Dr. C'," he said as he pulled out his phone. "My husband's a producer and I've got an idea I've been itching to try so I've been collecting cool scientists." Alex smiled broadly. "You, my dear, are a bonus and a half. So, mind if I get your number? I swear I won't spontaneously turn hetero on you."
Penny laughed and the pair exchanged numbers.
"So is Dr. C. here?" he asked hopefully.
"No he's at home playing Conan. He's not the—"
"Penny!" came a slurred East Indian voice. Raj came up beside her and put an arm around her waist. "I see you've met my squeeze," he grinned to Alex.
"I'm not your squeeze," Penny said before turning to Alex. "There's no squeezing here."
"Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali," the astrophysicist said. "I found a planetary object and now I'm a star. Get it?" Penny rolled her eyes.
"And on that note let's go see if they serve coffee here," she tsked. "Nice meeting you, Alex."
"You sure you've got him?" Alex asked.
"Oh she's got me alright," Raj said before turning to Penny with a naughty grin. "Now what are you going to do with me?"
"You mean besides showing everyone how to hogtie and castrate someone in under sixty seconds?" she smiled sweetly although her eyes were emerald hard.
Raj gulped and Penny gave a wink to Alex before walking off with the astrophysicist.
"Sassy and sexy," smirked Alex as he watched them go. "Alex, you've struck gold."
XxX
"What a frakken night," Penny sighed as she stepped out of the elevator onto her floor. She'd ended up taking a very drunk Raj back to his place which he interpreted as a sign for them to 'suck face'. Fortunately for Raj his parents Skype called before she could kill him.
Why was it that every guy she met just wanted to get into her pants? Sure, she was good looking but there were other good looking women out there that had friendships with men. Immediately Penny thought about Alex.
"Well, gay men at any rate," she chuckled. Her mind flitted to a lanky body covered in mud and sweat and camouflage. "Okay there's one—"
"Yee haw!" came a shout from apartment 4A.
Never had she heard Sheldon so excited. Curious, Penny went to his door and tried the handle. It turned and she stuck her head in to see him on the couch intently playing his game.
"Now the left!" he called into his headset. "Jovin use the wand of lightning. They're vulnerable to electricity!"
Penny slipped out of her shoes and sprayed her feet before closing the door. She padded her way to the couch and sat down.
"Barry, take out the golem at the top of the stairs! …Yes, yes, acid bolts will do!"
Sheldon was flushed as he clicked furiously on his laptop controls. The tendons in his forearms were prominent and Penny realized that, while he wasn't built like Kurt, Sheldon did have some meat on his lanky body.
"Good Lord who cast the fireball? Think people think! Iron golems speed up with heat!"
His cheek muscles twitched as he concentrated on his actions. Penny leaned over to see a flurry of action on the screen with various warriors in combat against automaton beings with swords. Minutes ticked by and Sheldon continued to bark orders into his headset. His voice was so sure and strong that combined with his Sherlock Holmes stare Penny thought Sheldon Cooper could be a force if he ever got pissed.
Creature after creature dropped to the ground until only Sheldon's party remained standing.
"Congratulations gentlemen—and Red Alicia—our objective has been obtained. Rest and heal. Those who are healthy search and secure the chamber." Sheldon did a couple more clicks. "Sheldor is AFK." He took off his headset and sat back with a contented sigh.
"Did you win your game?" asked Penny.
"You don't 'win' Age of Conan. It's an online multiplayer role playing game set in Robert E. Howard's classic universe. As a participant my avatar, Sheldor the Conqueror, completes quests that reward him with experience and treasure."
"Ah, okay. So you finished your quest?"
"We successfully conquered Axel's fortress," he said with a satisfied smirk as he closed his eyes and rested.
Penny raised an eyebrow. "'We'?"
"My companions," he said as he patted the laptop with his fingertips.
"That's cool," she smiled warmly. "Actually it's nice to know you have your online buddies. I was worried you were all by yourself in here."
Sheldon sat up and placed his laptop on the coffee table.
"For your information I have two hundred and twelve friends on My Space," he sniffed.
"You meet any of them?"
"No. That's the beauty of them." He drained the rest of his bottled water. "They don't track germs into the apartment or bore me to tears with incessant mind-numbing conversation or—"
Penny was hurt.
"Sorry I'm not interesting enough," she said brusquely.
"I was referring to Leonard."
"Oh," Penny blushed.
Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "Although you do steal my milk."
"Hearsay."
Sheldon leaned forward and opened a window on his laptop and quickly accessed his videos.
"I'd assumed there'd be denial hence the reason why I set up the milkcam."
Penny's jaw dropped. "Seriously?" she gasped even as Sheldon moved the laptop so she could see her morning self reach into the refrigerator for Sheldon's milk and pour some into her coffee mug.
"Game, set, match, milk thief," he said with a tone of satisfaction.
Penny shook her head with a smile on her face. "Okay you got me. Next time you're buying milk it's on me."
"Like how you bought Leonard coffee to replace what you've been drinking." Sheldon got up and gathered his empty water bottles.
"Exactly."
"Even though he said it wasn't necessary since he enjoyed your company."
"Yeah, but it's the principle of the thing."
Sheldon snorted as he stopped what he was doing to stare at his companion.
"If principles were involved you wouldn't have stolen my milk to begin with."
"Yeah, yeah," chuckled Penny.
The physicist tossed the bottles in the recycling box and put a 'chip clip' on the Goldfish cracker bag before putting it in the cupboard.
"Well, it wouldn't be fair to ask for a full carton of milk since you haven't stolen that much. Moreover, having you give me an excess amount of milk would only encourage the thefts to continue since in your lactose-crazed mind you'd think I'd 'owe you'."
"You wouldn't owe me, Sheldon."
He pulled out a bottle of sanitizer and cleaned his hands.
"So you'd quit stealing my milk?"
Penny made a face. "I don't really like almond milk."
"And we lack the refrigerator space for an additional carton of milk," added Sheldon.
"I know!" Penny said brightly. "I could always leave a quarter each time I take some of your milk. You can be my 'Milk Fairy'."
"Hardly, although the idea isn't without merit." He cocked his head in thought. "I'll need to know how much milk you take in your coffee."
"I dunno. Until it gets to the color of cloud I like."
Sheldon folded his arms across his chest as he stood by his whiteboard. "But if you don't measure how can you ensure quality and consistency?"
"There you go again with the science, Dr. C," she chuckled. "Oh, speaking of which I met a guy who's interested in you."
"Is he a Nobel Prize laureate or involved in the comic book industry?"
"Probably not."
"Then I doubt I'd want to meet him," he sniffed.
Penny tried again. "Well his husband's a producer so maybe they do that Star Trek show you like." Sheldon shook his head derisively.
"Penny, Star Trek aired between nineteen sixty six and nineteen sixty nine."
"But I do get points for knowing you watch it," she said with a slight smile.
He gave a half nod. "You do."
"Thanks for making a crappy night end on a good note, Sheldon," she said warmly.
"You're welcome," he replied evenly.
A sound of a trumpet blast came over his headset.
"My comrades are ready for our next quest," he said as he made for the couch.
"Ah, well good luck," she said as she got up.
Sheldon sat and positioned his computer on his lap before putting on his headset.
"Sheldor is back online. Commence to the Temple of Mitha." He frowned. "Fine, but you really should have gone while we were on break. Quest resumes in five." Sheldon clicked on a series of stats before realizing Penny was still in the room. "AFK. Is there something you need?" he asked her.
"Not really."
"Alright." He clicked a tab. "Sheldor is back online."
Penny took up her shoes and vacated to her apartment. She stripped out of her clothes, washed the makeup from her face before stepping into the shower. Her hands ran through her hair as she lathered the shampoo, the excess foam running down her arm and onto the tub floor. She smiled at the white foam as it immediately brought to mind Sheldon's milk.
"Milk thief," she giggled. Next time she was in his refrigerator she'd have to look for that stupid camera.
After she was clean she slipped on her comfy pajamas and brown slipper boots and padded to the living room. She settled on her couch but didn't feel like watching television and she wasn't quite ready for bed. A smirk came to her face as she thought about Raj at home in a drunken sleep. Normally that would have been her after attending an event with an open bar. At the very least she would have picked someone up but the only one who seemed interested in Penny for Penny was Alex and he was off the market in more ways than one. It had been six months since she'd broken up with Kurt and several weeks since she'd had sex with anyone. As much as Penny liked to see herself as independent she realized that she missed having a man in her life. That wasn't quite right. Leonard had offered and even though he was sweet in a geeky kind of way she turned him down because she wasn't ready. Or interested if the truth be told. She just wanted a masculine presence. Again a thought of Sheldon in his paintball gear came to mind.
"Well I don't have a man but at least I have a whackadoodle," she chuckled.
Penny grabbed her keys and returned to 4A. She sprayed the bottoms of her slippers but defiantly decided to keep them on and returned to her spot on the couch.
"Mind if I stay for a bit?" she asked. "You can keep playing," she added.
"As long as you're quiet," Sheldon said without looking away from the computer screen. "Alright, step one is to scout out and report. Team 'A' go left. Team 'B', right. Barry, you've got the invisible cloak so see if you can bypass the guards and do something about the main gate."
Penny scooted closer to see the screen. On it was a dark haired warrior, well toned but not overly muscular, wearing leather armor and carrying a double edged sword with a white glow to the blade.
"He's cute," she said.
"He's a barbarian," Sheldon replied. "Team 'A' report."
The barbarian seemed to be impatient and occasionally swung his sword in anticipation. Each swing exposed gaps in his armor where Penny could see bits of his muscled body.
"Who is he?" she asked.
"Me. Now quiet. … Barry, report."
Normally Penny wasn't into the whole fantasy wardrobe stuff but perhaps she just wasn't exposed to enough of it. She giggled. Or else she really was hard up for a man.
"Sheldor AFK." He turned to her. "Penny—"
"I know. Zip it. Sorry."
He narrowed his eyes. "No you're not."
"Is that the gate opening?" She pointed to the screen.
"What?" he growled as he turned to the computer. "Barry, I said scout and report not act!"
Penny tucked her legs beside her and snuggled into the couch to watch the chaos unfold.
XxX
Leonard was all smiles as he stepped out of the elevator. Howard and he had spent a good part of the evening chatting with a couple of scientists. Eloise and Claire might have been in their fifties and married but at least they were women so Leonard considered the evening a partial success.
He tested the apartment door and it was open so he entered to find Sheldon and Penny sitting side by side on the couch.
"Switch from the dagger to the enchanted sword!" Sheldon hissed. "It's the only way to defeat the guard captain."
"I'm switching, I'm switching," Penny growled as she clicked furiously on the laptop. Her female barbarian clashed swords with the guard captain. "Squeeze me will ya? Hack! Hack! Expect sex ya say? Ha!" Sheldon turned his head to stare curiously at his companion as Penny slashed at her opponent. "Show me your 'Indian snake charm'? Whatever." There was a flurry more of activity and then the guard captain fell dead to the ground.
"Excellent," said Sheldon. "Now click on the enchanted boots." She did. "Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior."
"Yes!" she grinned.
"Now we'll—wait! Don't go there!"
"Shit! Sheldon, what the hell's that?" Penny's avatar ran down the corridor followed by a large dog with red eyes and flames shooting out of its mouth.
"Hellhound! Retreat!"
Leonard smirked as he walked behind the couch to the hall and to his bedroom.
xTBBTx
"Boy, you don't look so good," Leonard said to Raj as the astrophysicist sat at the lunch table. "Hang overs are a bitch, huh?"
"Tell me about it," groaned Raj as he opened his can of ginger ale and stirred it with a straw to help it flatten. "So how was your night?" Leonard and Howard glanced at each other.
"We scored some babes," said Howard neutrally. "Showed them a good time."
"Well I had a good time too," sniffed Raj. At least as far as I can remember. "Penny and I were the belles of the ball."
"Speaking of Penny you owe her an apology," Sheldon said.
"For what?"
"Making unwanted sexual advances. Inviting her to see your 'Indian snake charm'."
"I said that?" gasped Raj.
"Told you to pace yourself," Leonard tsked. "One drink too many and you sound like Howard."
"I resent that," the engineer mock-sniffed.
"How am I supposed to apologize to Penny when I can't talk to her sober?" asked Raj.
"You can always write her a note," offered Leonard. "Whatever you do don't just text her."
"What do I say?"
"'Sorry I was a colossal douche' for starters," said Howard.
"Your conduct was out of line regarding your unwanted touching, suggestive innuendoes and overall boorish behavior," Sheldon said crisply. "Penny accompanied you so you wouldn't be alone on your celebratory evening and she deserved better." He began counting his napkins. "As her friend I won't tolerate any further mistreatment."
"But Howard does it all the time," countered Raj.
"There's a difference: Howard's like that with everyone. Secondly, he's never put a hand on Penny." Sheldon's eyes were hard. "I doubt Penny would put up with such behavior and rest assured I won't." His brow furrowed. "Drat, I'm a napkin short." The lanky man got up from the table and went to the condiment counter.
Howard's eyes were wide as he looked incredulously at Leonard.
"Did I just hear a 'leave my woman alone or I'll break you'?" he asked.
The experimental physicist shrugged. "If it was anyone else on the planet I'd say yes. With Sheldon, who knows?"
xTBBTx
Sheldon fished his keys from his jacket pocket and unlocked the apartment door. He stepped in and immediately froze in place as he saw Leonard and Leslie Winkle making out on the couch.
"What's she doing here?" he growled.
"Hello dumbass," Leslie replied as she sat back and straightened her top.
Leonard smiled sheepishly at the unimpressed look on his roommate's face.
"Leslie and I made up. Great huh?"
"This is the reason why you couldn't pick me up at the university? You needed to 'suck face'?" scowled Sheldon.
"Better than watching you in your office sucking at your research," mocked Leslie.
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Yes, well…." He turned to Leonard. "I'm invoking the Hostile Alien clause of the Roommate Agreement."
"Leslie isn't an alien trying to impregnate me with her egg," Leonard said with a roll of the eyes.
"Well I needed twenty four hours notice before you could have a woman in the apartment here for the purposes of coitus."
"We're not having coitus, we're just making out," amended the shorter man.
"So what am I supposed to do?" Sheldon asked, irritated. "Cook my meal wearing noise canceling headphones and then spend the rest of the evening in my bedroom?"
"It's just one night," sighed Leonard. "I'll be at Leslie's tomorrow so you can—"
Sheldon's jaw dropped. "But tomorrow's the sale at Lee's Hobby and Trains. Who'll take me to the store?"
"I doubt Penny would mind."
"Ooo Penny," teased Leslie. "Did dumbass assemble a girlfriend?"
"Penny is a girl and a friend but not my 'girlfriend'," snapped Sheldon.
"She's our neighbor," explained Leonard. "Hey, why don't you go ask her now?"
"Because I'm tired and hungry and want to be in my apartment."
"By all means you may," said Leslie with a half smile before grabbing Leonard at the back of his head and pulling him in for a kiss.
The East Texan exited the apartment and firmly closed the door behind him before stomping over to 4B.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Yes Sheldon?" she asked as she opened the door.
"The mean lady's in my apartment," he growled.
"What mean lady is this?"
"Leonard's booty call."
Penny grinned. "Good for him."
"Good for—Penny, I'm tired, hungry and homeless."
She held the door open. "Come in and rest your weary bones, Tex."
"Thank you." He stepped inside and looked around the apartment. "I see you've managed to partially contain your clutter."
"Hey, it's not like I raid my laundry hamper and spread dirty clothes around the room as soon as you're gone," Penny chuckled as she shut the door and ventured to the kitchen. "Have a seat and I'll see what I can rustle up."
"No need. It's pizza night. I'll just order it," he replied as he pulled out his phone and dialed. "Hello, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'd like a pizza for delivery. …2311 North Los Robles Avenue, apartment 4B. … Yes that's correct. … I'll have a medium with sausage, light olives and mushrooms. …Yes. … Thank you." He hung up and tucked the phone in his pocket before checking his watch.
"You gonna stand by the door all night or are you gonna come in?" Penny asked with a smirk.
"I suppose," he said and began to wander about the apartment scrutinizing the furniture.
"What are you doing?"
"You don't expect me to just sit willy-nilly do you?"
She closed her eyes even as she smirked. "Knock yourself out, Sheldon. Want something to drink while you scour the countryside?"
"I'm upset so a hot beverage would be appropriate," he said as he sat on the wooden chair before quickly popping off. "Do you have herbal tea?"
"Honey lemon."
"That's acceptable." He walked to the counter and tried a stool but it was caught in the air flow and so he got off.
"You know Leonard's lady?" Penny asked as she prepared the coffee mugs with tea bags.
"Leslie Winkle. She's a sub-par physicist at the university. She was on the opposing team at the Physics Bowl." Sheldon sat in the red swivel chair and, after a moment to decide, smiled. "This will be my seat from now on."
"Glad that's decided. Now I can sleep tonight."
Sheldon glared before clearing his throat. "Now on to more pressing business. Since Leonard's occupied tomorrow I require you to drive me to the train store."
"Sorry sweetie, I'm working the afternoon shift," Penny replied. "You'll have to ask Raj or Howard."
"Howard rides a vespa and Raj has a video-conference with the Hawaii Observatory so he won't be available. As it is he'll miss the first hour of vintage game night." Sheldon sighed. "Now with Leonard gone I suppose it'll just be Howard and me; although my having to take transit to the train store will eat up my free time so perhaps I should cancel the night altogether."
"Why don't you get a car?" Penny asked as she took the kettle and poured hot water into their mugs. "I mean you can drive, right?"
"I choose not to," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth.
"It'll make you more independent." She walked over and handed him his mug. "What about driving didn't you like?"
"I don't know. I've never tried."
"Really?" Penny put a plate on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. "Not even a learner's permit?"
"From various video games I've gathered enough evidence that driving isn't for me." He picked up the tea bag string and dunked the bag up and down in the cup. "Obviously I'm too evolved to drive."
"I'm not even gonna ask," Penny snickered. "But hey, there are driving simulators out there. We used one when I was enrolled in Young Drivers." She set down her mug and flipped open her laptop. "Let's see if we can find one."
"It's not necessary," Sheldon said quickly as he took out his tea bag and set it on the plate.
"Sure it is. You've gotta learn and besides you like video games." Here she smiled. "Just pretend you're playing on the X-Box and you'll be fine."
"Oh yes, under your guidance I'm sure to prevail," he twanged. "What lesson is 'service the check engine light'?"
Penny narrowed her eyes. "Sheldon, we've got a half hour until your pizza comes."
"We can always watch television."
She shrugged. "Well America's Next Top Model is on so I suppose we could—"
"Of course I'm sure there's a simulator or two out there we could peruse," he said quickly. "Pass me the laptop and I'll get you on our wifi."
"Don't worry I've got the password," she said brightly as she typed away.
"Penny, I change the password weekly."
"I know." She clicked on her Internet Explorer and it went to her Google homepage. "When it didn't work I just asked Leonard and—"
"He told you again?"
"It's not like I'm online all the time. I'm only there updating my Facebook account and checking emails." She smiled sheepishly. "And maybe flipping through Lolcats."
"First my milk and now my wifi," he scowled. "Obviously some amendments are needed for our Friendship Agreement as you don't have a grasp on the concept of other people's property not belonging to you."
"Sheldon, it's not like I can steal the internet."
"You're stealing bandwidth."
"Leonard said I could."
Sheldon shook his head. "It all returns to Leonard." He stared accusingly at Penny. "This was your idea having him for a roommate."
"You get rides to work and share on the bills and have someone to play Halo with so it's not all bad," she countered.
"Point. But still I expect things to function in a logical order."
"You mean you expect things to go your way," she giggled, garnering a glare. "Unfortunately chum if you want life to be 'my way or the highway' you've gotta know how to drive because sometimes it'll have to be your butt on the road. Case in point being tonight."
"I suppose," he said grudgingly. "Although for the record I'm not happy about this."
"Noted." She smiled. "Oh, here's a driving game demo. It's just one course but you can start here."
"I'd rather not," he said hesitatingly. "My tea will get cold and the pizza will arrive soon and—"
"Blah, blah, blah." She moved the plate and slid the laptop over to him. "It'll only take about five minutes to run the laps so it's no biggie. Besides, it'll give ya something to do while I fix dinner."
With a sour expression on his face Sheldon picked up the pink laptop and set it on his lap. He read over the instructions and, after taking a deep breath to calm himself, began the simulator.
"See?" Penny said encouragingly. "Easy peas—" There was a sound of a car crashing.
"No big deal. Just gotta get used to—" Another crash. She got up and went behind Sheldon so she could see what was going on. "Wow, okay, easy there—" Crash! "Not so hard! You'll—" Smash! "Okay now move a little to the—Oh my God!" There was a horrendous squeal of tires and then a crash that made both Penny and Sheldon jump.
"Well, at least you missed the old lady," she said diplomatically.
"Not so much the light pole," he grumbled.
"Well start again. You know what they say: practice makes per—" Her eyes widened as Sheldon swerved in front of a transport.
CRASH!
Silence.
"Of course taking the bus is cheaper than a car," Penny said quietly.
Sheldon nodded and closed the laptop.
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: Zork