"Nervous about the debate, Lex?" asked Mercy Graves as she applied his makeup for his TV appearance.

Luthor snorted. "What have I got to be nervous about, Mercy? I've debated rings around Clump, and even if I just stood at the podium and said nothing, I'd still win this thing in a landslide. Talk is cheap, but money speaks a very persuasive language. And I've spent enough of it securing votes that I've got this thing in the bag. These debates are a mere formality. But I do enjoy them – there are few things more fun than publicly humiliating idiots. And Harold Clump is an idiot of the first degree. You'd have to be, to try to compete with me."

"No arguments here," said Mercy, brushing powder onto his face to complete the makeup. "Ok, you're done."

"Did you powder the head?" demanded Luthor. "The last thing I need is a shiny head for the cameras."

"Lex, I've prepped you for a lot of TV appearances – of course I remembered to powder your head," retorted Mercy.

"It doesn't hurt to double check – appearance is one of the main deciding factors in a presidential race," replied Luthor, removing the napkins clipped to his suit as Mercy brushed it down to remove stray bits of makeup. "If history has taught us anything from the Kennedy vs. Nixon debate, it's that attractive people get a lot more votes."

"Also helps if they're not crooks," reminded Mercy.

"Well, it's a little late for that, Mercy," replied Lex, glancing at himself in the mirror. "Still, as long as I present myself as an honest man, the public will swallow it. It's not like they have any hard evidence to connect me to anything illegal. And it's not like any of my former supervillain associates would rat me out, as long as I make it more profitable for them not to do so. Money is power, and it's a power greater than anything those pathetic, so-called superheros of the Justice League possess."

"Again, no arguments here," repeated Mercy. "Now let's get you out there."

"We're terribly sorry, Mr. President, but we're going to have to postpone the debate," said the moderator, as Luthor came out on the stage. "Your opponent hasn't arrived yet."

Luthor smiled. "Well, if he can't take the debate seriously, what hope can he have of taking the presidency seriously, am I right, Mr. Kent?"

"Yes, Mr. President," growled Clark Kent, who had been the journalist assigned as debate moderator. "It's very unfortunate, but if he doesn't appear soon, we're going to have to call a forfeit."

"That's too bad – I was just saying to my aide how much I was looking forward to tonight's debate," said Luthor. "Let's hope he's just caught in traffic, and nothing more serious has befallen him."

"Yes, Mr. President," repeated Kent, heading backstage. He tapped an earpiece. "Bruce, any sign of Mr. Clump yet?"

"According to your Metropolis police comms, which are shockingly easy to hack, by the way, his car was seen heading toward the debate hall a good half hour ago," replied Bruce Wayne. "He should be there."

"His car is," said Kent, using his x-ray vision to scan through the walls into the parking lot. "He's not. Maybe Luthor's arranged for him to have an accident or something..." He paused as his x-ray vision noticed another distinctive car in the parking lot. "Oh God, Bruce, you'll want to get over here now," he hissed.

"What is it?" asked Bruce.

"The Jokermobile is outside," muttered Kent, hurrying back onto the stage. "We need to get everyone out of the debate hall now…"

"Well, Mr. Kent, as we wait for Mr. Clump to deign to grace us with his presence, why not ask me a few warm-up questions?" asked Luthor, who had taken his place by the podium. "Any softball stuff you like."

"I got one!" chuckled a familiar voice from the wings. "When are you gonna marry that cute little aide of yours? Also, speaking of softball, who's on first?"

The debate audience let out a gasp of horror as the Joker appeared on stage, closely followed by Harley Quinn, the cowed figure of Mr. Clump, and a couple of henchmen, who pointed guns out into the audience. "Now everyone, please, no standing ovations for me just yet," said Joker. "Remain in your seats, or my boys will shoot grenades full of my patented laughing gas into the audience. But there's no need for violence if we all just take part in the democratic process."

"What the hell are you doing here, clown?" demanded Luthor, furious.

"Now Lexy, old kid, is that any way to talk to your friend and former colleague?" asked Joker, looking hurt.

"I don't know what you're talking about," hissed Luthor. "No known terrorist is a friend of mine, or former colleague…"

"Terrorist?" repeated Joker, his hurt expression deepening. "Now there's really no need for name-calling like that! Especially towards your fellow presidential candidate – that's bad form. I could sue you for slander, though I'm honestly not sure that's the presidential thing to do…"

"What are you talking about?" interrupted Luthor. "Mr. Clump is my fellow presidential candidate!"

"Not anymore!" laughed Joker. "Tell 'em, Clumpers!"

"I…feel it would be best if Mr. Joker took over my presidential campaign…for health-related reasons," stammered Mr. Clump. "The…stress of the campaign trail has taken its toll on me, and my colleagues in the party have all agreed that this is the best decision…for all involved. My presidential nomination now belongs to the Joker."

"You can't run for president!" shouted Luthor. "You're a felon who's been certified insane and committed to a mental institution for the criminally insane for life!"

"Not anymore!" chuckled Joker, withdrawing a piece of paper. "I had the papers signed this morning to testify to my sanity, and the doctor who signed it has evaluated me as fully mentally competent! As for my so-called criminal record, you'll have to speak to my lawyers about that. Since my arrests universally occurred at the hands of a crazed vigilante obsessed with persecuting me, my legal team is attempting to get those charges withdrawn. I'm sure you know how flexible the law can be with its definitions of criminals if given a little monetary persuasion, Lexy," he said, winking at him.

"Let me see that certificate of sanity!" snapped Luthor, snatching it away from him. "This is signed by Dr. Harleen Quinzel!"

"A very discerning authority at determining sanity from insanity," agreed Joker, nodding. "She certainly has a lot of experience with the latter, much of it personal."

"You can look it up, Lex – my psychiatric qualifications were never officially revoked," said Harley, grinning at him. "I mean, you can challenge it in court if you wanna, but Mr. J's lawyers are pretty good. The best money can buy, actually."

Luthor was glaring daggers at Joker. "If this is some ridiculous joke you've set up, it's not funny, Joker," he hissed. "You can't seriously be trying to run against me for President of the United States of America, can you?"

"Not trying, Lexy, doing a damn fine job of it!" exclaimed Joker, taking his place at the podium and waving out at the audience. "Hiya, folks, I'm the Joker! I'm sure you've heard of me – I'm pretty famous in my hometown of Gotham City, and, not to toot my own horn, pretty much everywhere else in the world. You may have heard of me, but you don't know me – not the real me, anyway. I'm a simple man of simple pleasures, and my vision for this country is simple too – smiles and laughter for all! I wanna make America laugh again! For too long, politics in this country has been all doom and gloom, threats of fear instead of promises of fun! Well, all that's about to change if you vote Joker into power! I'm the candidate who's gonna put a smile on your face whether you want it or not! The candidate who's gonna make the world a fun place to live in again! A vote for Joker is a vote for fun! And what kinda loser wouldn't vote for fun? Probably Batman, but who wants to be a square like him?"

"Mr. Kent, cancel the debate," snapped Luthor. "I'm not going to stoop so low as to debate a lunatic on national TV…"

"Oooh, somebody's a chicken!" chuckled Joker. "What's the matter, Lexy? Scared you'll lose?"

"I'm not…" began Luthor, but Joker interrupted him by making squawking chicken noises, flapping his arms at his side.

"I'm not debating someone who acts like a child in a presidential debate!" shouted Luthor. "This is a serious affair to determine a serious nomination for a serious office, and this kind of behavior should disqualify him instantly!"

"Mr. Luthor, I'm just the moderator - I don't have the authority to cancel the debate," said Clark Kent, looking to the TV producers. "And the producers want it to continue. So…without further ado…I'll just…ask the first question," he said, looking down at his note cards. "Um…if elected president, what would you fund using taxes paid for by the public?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Joker, nodding. "My own line of theme parks. Jokerland – fun for the whole family!"

"That would be a colossal waste of taxpayer money!" snapped Luthor.

"I don't see how – all taxpayers are welcome to enjoy it," said Joker. "It'll cheer 'em up, and give them some temporary, joyful relief from the humdrum of their miserable existences. What could be better than that?"

"I would use the money to fund schools, hospitals, and roads," snapped Luthor. "Things that are important to people and vital to their lives, rather than silly theme parks."

"Well, nothing's more vital than fun, am I right?" asked Joker.

"Next question, Mr. Kent – I've changed my mind," said Luthor. "The best thing to do is let my fellow candidate talk – that'll show the world how insane he is, as if they didn't know it already."

"Hey, I may be a little eccentric," snapped Joker. "And I'll be honest, not everything I've done in my life has been upstanding and decent. But at least I have the decency to admit that now, unlike you, Lexy."

"I don't know what you're talking about," hissed Luthor.

"Yes, you do," said Joker, nodding. "Mr. Luthor here headed a secret society of supervillains for years. We called ourselves the Injustice League, and our job was to make life difficult for those do-gooders in the Justice League by committing crimes and hurting innocent people. All that's in my past, though – I'm a changed man, with the certificate to prove it. And I'm holding my hands up to you now and admitting that I made mistakes in my life. Something that Mr. Luthor won't admit."

"I don't have to admit anything because it's not true!" shouted Luthor. "You have no evidence for your preposterous claim other than your word, which anyone with half a brain would have to be insane to trust!"

"Actually, I have a little more than that," said Joker, grinning at him. "I have correspondence in your own handwriting between you and one Pamela Lillian Isley, otherwise known as the supervillain Poison Ivy. Among the steamy romantic details in the letters, there is discussion of Injustice League business, which I'd be happy to let the press have a look at whenever they like," he said, nodding at the press box.

"It's a lie – no such correspondence exists!" snapped Luthor. "And if it does, it's been falsified in order to slander my good name!"

"I got it right here," said Joker, reaching into his breast pocket. "Who wants a looksie? Why, Miss Lane, I've always had a soft spot for you…"

"Mr. Kent, I request an immediate break," interrupted Luthor. "I'm feeling suddenly ill and need the restroom."

"Very well, Mr. President," said Kent. "We'll resume in ten minutes."

Luthor stormed off the stage, closely followed by the Joker. The moment they were both backstage, Luthor seized him around the throat. "Where did you get those letters?!" he hissed. "Ivy wouldn't help you by giving them to you – she hates your guts much more than she hates mine!"

"This is why…you should never trust your ex!" chuckled Joker, laughing between gasps as he struggled to breathe. "But don't blame Pammie…she doesn't know I have them!"

Luthor was knocked off Joker with a swipe of Harley Quinn's mallet. "I swiped 'em from her," said Harley, smiling at Luthor. "Red told me ages ago she had them – called them her insurance in case you ever did anything to piss her off. During one of our girly nights, I gave her a little too much alcohol and she was happy to show me where she kept 'em. After she passed out from drinking, I slipped 'em into my pocket. Mr. J knew they'd be useful."

"I can get Ivy to deny I sent them!" hissed Luthor. "I can get a handwriting expert to say they're forged! They won't make any difference to this campaign!"

"Oh, believe what you want, Lexy!" giggled Joker, adjusting his bowtie. "But y'know, it's funny. The minds of the public can be so fickle and random sometimes. You can say something, and even if it's completely disproven by facts and evidence, there's always a remaining shadow of doubt in the back of their minds. Especially if the journalists start digging – who's to say they won't turn up some dirt?"

"Do you really want to make this election into who can throw the most dirt on whom?" demanded Luthor. "Neither of us are innocent people, Joker. Do we really want to see which one of us can make the other look worse?"

"Well, I do," said Joker, nodding. "I think it'll be a laugh riot. And that will certainly help me fulfill my campaign pledge of making America laugh again."

"That's a stupid slogan!" roared Luthor.

"Better than truth, justice, and the American way," replied Joker. "At least I actually believe in mine."

With incredible difficulty, Luthor managed to take a deep breath, and ball his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. It took every piece of willpower he had to force a smile. "Fine, Joker," he said. "Have it your way. You play this election like a stupid game, or joke, but the American people are smarter than that. I have faith that they'll laugh you off the ballot long before election day. They'll never vote a clown like you into office."

"Why not? They already voted in a corrupt businessman who has had dirty dealings with every shady piece of criminal scum out there," said Joker. "You're part of the establishment, Lexy, and frankly I think people are a little sick of that. I'm a wild card, in addition to my irresistible charisma and stunningly attractive features."

"He's got my vote," purred Harley, kissing him.

"Harley's gonna be on my campaign posters," said Joker, smiling at Luthor. "In a bikini. Holding a sign that says 'Vote Joker and I'll appear at his inauguration naked.' That oughta secure the male vote, and probably a good portion of lesbians as well."

"I'm not really gonna appear at his inauguration naked," said Harley. "But political types make and break promises all the time, don't they? When in Rome."

Luthor glared at them both, and then headed back out onto the stage. If he let the clowns get to him, they'd win. He had to remain calm and level-headed and not sink to their pathetic level. If he took the high road, he was sure the voters would follow. No one out there could actually be stupid enough to listen to the insane ramblings of a psychopathic clown.