Then I met his eyes.
His dark eyes. They are always the first thing I search for, in a crowd or in an argument, because they always tell what Bellamy can't. Maybe one day when things are going to get better I'm going to tell him about this too, about how important his eyes were for me and how he has no idea how many times they made the decisions for him, betrayed him by showing what he truly feels or even helped me choose what to do in hard situations.
And now they are full of worries and cocern. He comes closer in a hurry, the crowd letting him make his way to me. I breath heavly, because of the running and because I'm scared. How am I going to tell those eyes about what I did? Octavia was right, he might kill me, before the grounders or anyone else does.
But he is so close to me right now, and the mass of people seems so far away. I catch my breath and open my mouth to speak, but I feel his hand on my shoulder and I close it, not saying anything.
"Are you ok?", he asks me, seeming alarmed.
I simply nod and look around. Everyone is looking at us. 86 delinquents are staring at us with curious eyes.
I turn back to Bellamy, no bothering to hide the emotions that were all over my face.
"I need to talk to you." , I tell him in a serious tone. I have to tell him about the grounders before I go and get some sleep. He simply nods and turns back.
Raven is somewhere in the crowd and I met her eyes too. She seems genuinely worried so I give her a small smile and follow Bellamy throw the camp. Octavia looks at us with a grin on her face, and I'm guessing her brother didn't figure out she was gone so that grin also warns me not to tell him anything. And I won't.
Bellamy is stopping in front of his tent, letting me enter it first. Once we are both in, I inhale and exhale a few times, thinking how to drop the bomb.
"I made a deal with the grounders."
Did that…? That just came flying out of my mouth! God, I need to start sorting things in my head. All the way to the camp I didn't even want to think about how I'm going to tell him and now I realize it was a mistake, by the look on his face. He seems furious.
"Are you kidding me, Clarke?", he yells. And at the point where he gets to yelling is where I know I had enough of his shit. But this time he lost his control too soon. And I don't have the energy to yell back.
"Listen… I made a deal, ok? But it's a fine deal. They are going to leave us alone. At least for a while."
He stares at me for a few moments and I add a "Trust me" that comes out a bit unsure and I can see it in his eyes, that he is fighting not to give me the time to speak, but I also can see that he will, somehow he always does, he lets me speak my mind.
"Okay. Tell me about it.", he states, unclenching his fists. I watch him trying to gain his calm back, so I decide to wait a few moments in completely silence.
"They don't have a doctor anymore. And their leader asked me."
"And you said yes? Are you insane, Clarke?"
"Well…" I want to say something, but I close my mouth instantly. I might be, I think to myself. And in all this mess I am somehow proud of my decisions. I confronted Anya and I made it on my terms and they didn't have to manipulate me or force me into doing anything. I made the choice. And I'm not enough stupid to start pitying myself for doing so, for chosing what I think is the best for everyone. I was there and I was all by myself and he wasn't, he was just the soldier that remained home for that battle and if he thinks he can just step all over me and my decisions, he is wrong.
"I'm not insane. I'm trying to do the right thing!" I yell at him, gaining energy from all the anger that's building inside me. I don't like being thought of as stupid or an idiot and somehow he is always there to make sure I understand that, that I'm actually some kind of paranoid person that makes bad decisions out of character not because of the lack of choices we have.
He stands in front of me, looking all upset and angry, his face burning bright red in the faint light of his tent.
"And now what? You are just going to go with them?"
"No!" , good, now I can't stop yelling. I cross my arms in front of my chest, defensively. He should just let me finish what I have to say, without giving me the "you're so dead" look he always uses when he is mad. I have to admit though, I'm pretty used to it.
"I made the terms, ok? And I didn't ask for anything but I think she got the idea that we want peace."
"You think? Clarke I swear to God…" he stopped for a few seconds, trying to control himself. Something that I appreciate in this moment because the look on his face tells me he really wants to kill me.
He speaks again, calmer this time. "If you have gone crazy, just tell, ok?"
At that I truly feel like laughing my ass off just at how stupid he sounded and suddenly, I start laughing. And I can not stop. And all I can think about is just how I'm making this situation even worse but I can't stop. It's my lack of sleep, it's my lack of sleep I keep telling myself while he is looking at me like I really am crazy, which, if I think about it, doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Maybe I could play the crazy one and get out of this but I'm not the kind of person that goes down that easy so I finally stop, trying my best to be serious.
"You really are crazy…" he mutters to himself and I bite my bottom lip so hard that I feel blood coming out of it, trying not to giggle at his comment.
"No, I'm not. It's just that…I'm sorry but let me tell you one thing: It's gonna be fine." I lengthen the last word, trying to sound convincing.
"No, it's not gonna be fine. " He demands right back.
"I'm going to go back there in the next few days, just to check on them, show them I can be trustworthy and maybe this way we can really get them to like us."
"I swear this conversation feels like you are talking about you and Spacewalker. Make him trust me, fuck me up and leave me. What the hell Clarke?"
"Hey!" I scream at him, starting to get annoyed again. How dares he? Talking about me and Finn like that? And why even makes him think he can talk to me about Finn at all?
"No… actually, you know what? This conversation is over." I tell him, before leaving his tent. I saw him on my way out trying to reach for me, or make me stop, but i get out before he had to chance. I expected him to get mad at me, but I also expected him to support me on this, not to be this stubborn and go that far with his prejudices about me. I felt left down and alone but I wasn't going to show any weakness. I'm just going to go to my tent and sleep.
People outside seemed to mind their usual bussniness at this hour, like doing nothing around the fire. There were some loudly groups that were cracking jokes about me and Bellamy or, how they were calling us "mommy and daddy", but I didn't mind. I actually didn't care so it didn't matter. It must be around nine, I think as I make my way to my tent, and Monty's and Octavia's and Jasper's. That thought didn't seem to appealing right now. All I wanted to avoid were questions, but I know people were worried about what is going to happen with us and the grounders and I can't really give them an answer but maybe tomorrow Bellamy won't be mad anymore so he can listen to all I have to say and maybe I can be serious about everything without bursting into a plentiful laugh and pissing him off even more. I left a glad sigh when I see the tent empty. I simply go and lie on my improvised bed, which is just 2 pieces of cloth over some grass but right now it seems to be the most comfortable thing in the world.
I lay awake, reflecting at all the things that happen in the past few days. We were ready to go at war with the grounders and suddenly I can change that, I can make things right. Bellamy is the crazy one if he thinks I won't take this chance. I think at least another hour passed by without me closing an eye. I think I'm too tired to sleep. I was preparing to start another round of tossing and turning until I find a comfortable position, but I hear steps close to my tent so I just quickly close my eyes. There are people outside, talking. Maybe Octavia, Monty and Jasper are back.
"Hey Bellamy. What's up, man?" I hear Monty asking Bellamy I guess. What is he doing outside my tent? Did he come to yell at me? I thought I already made it clear that I'm not in the mood. I keep my eyes close though, but I listen carefully. Jasper is with Monty and I can hear them perfectly laughing about nothing. They probably had a little too much of Monty's moonshine. I smile a little. I'd really like them to annoy Bellamy a little but that's probably not a good idea, so instead I just pray that they are going to leave before he gets angrier than he already is.
"We kinda wanna go in." Jasper says and Monty's laughter follows.
"Yeah, I think you are gonna sleep outside tonight." I hear Bellamy tells them and I quickly open my eyes, already wanting to go out and protest. Is he really trying to get on me by treating my friends like shit? That sounds like the old him and the old him sucked.
"Yeah but.." Jasper wants to say something, however he is cut by Bellamy's harsh tone.
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
"No, it's fine." Monty hurries to say, he probably isn't as drunk as Jasper. A long pause follows before Monty speaks again.
"Come on buddy, we are gonna have so much fun tonight!" he yells at Jasper. Ouch, but that sounded so wrong I think to myself, smiling in the dark.
"Man, that sounded so wrong." I hear Jasper telling him, and Monty says something back but they are already far away from my tent and I can't manage to understand what he said. I smile again, shaking my head. Those idiots.
But Bellamy's silhouette moves and I instantly close my eyes.
In the next seconds, I hear someone moving around in my tent. Oh God, what is he doing here? He shouldn't be here. Maybe he wants to kill me. I'm so tempted to open my eyes but I still keep them close, concentrating on his steps. He lays on one of the beds and sighs deeply before murming something like "What I am going to do with you, princess?" and after that follows an overwhelming silence. I can feel his presence in the room and the fact that i have my eyes closed makes me feel somehow weak in these moments. I'd like to get up and scream in Bellamy's face to leave me alone but I really don't have the strength to do that so I just wait and wait but he doesn't leave, and after a while I finally fall asleep.
I just wanna say that i really enjoyed writing this chapter and i'd love to hear what you think of it. It would be HELLA LOT to me. xx