"Look alive, ladies and gents!" announced Harley Quinn, as she threw open the door to the supervillain-only room of the Iceberg Lounge. "Make way for the next president of the United States of America, the Joker!"
She cheered and whistled as the Joker strode through the door, flanked by his campaign advisors. Everyone in the bar glared at him coldly.
"Joker, you're not welcome here," snapped the Penguin, heading over to him. "Not after what you said about me at your rally…"
"Aw, Pengers, there's nothing to be embarrassed about," said Joker, beaming. "I thought I made that clear – I don't care what your sexuality actually is, or even if you're actually dating the Riddler. As long as you're happy, that's what matters. That's all that matters, in Joker's America."
"There won't be any Joker's America," snapped Poison Ivy, who was drinking at a table with Two-Face. "Lex is going to wipe the floor with you."
"Good to see you still got faith in your ex, Pammie," chuckled Joker. "But I really don't think he will, in part thanks to you and your letters."
"I can't believe you sent Harley to my home to steal those from me," snapped Ivy. "Worse, I can't believe she actually did it."
"Oh, sure you can," retorted Joker. "You know I fight dirty. And you know Harley will do anything for me so I'll continue to fight dirty with her!" he chuckled, kissing her cheek.
"C'mon, Red, no hard feelings, huh?" asked Harley. "When I'm First Lady, I'll let you take free rides in Air Force One."
"Harley, the thought of you being First Lady pales into insignificance compared to the nightmarish thought of that clown actually becoming president," snapped Ivy. "If it happens, I'm leaving the country to go live in the rainforest."
"Good, best place for you," said Joker, nodding. "You're happy surrounded by your plants, everyone else is happy you're gone, and Harvey can finally get over you and move on with his life."
"I might go with her, actually," growled Two-Face.
"Geez, I wouldn't," said Joker. "You don't wanna compete with those plants in terms of size. And after hugging a few trees, I doubt the Weed Lady will even be able to feel you anymore, if you get what I'm saying."
"What exactly are you doing here, Joker?" demanded Penguin. "Aside from massively irritating everyone?"
"It's what I do best!" chuckled Joker. "And I'm just looking for a nice place to relax while my campaign managers get me up to speed on how I'm doing. Oh, and to offer someone in here the job of VP, of course."
"What?" asked Penguin, as every supervillain in the place instantly turned to face him.
"I haven't chosen my vice president yet," said Joker. "Clump's choice was terrible, so I had to fire him. Well, set fire to him, but same difference," he added, shrugging. "I could always do what Lex is doing – pick someone bland and virtually nameless who'll stay out of my way while I run the show. But I thought, why not open up the position to my friends in Gotham? They're all a bunch of power hungry nutjobs who will leap at the chance to serve under me."
"Or kill you the moment you're elected so they can take over," pointed out one of Joker's advisors.
"Well, you gotta keep your friends close and your enemies closer, ain't that right?" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, what would be the fun in being president if you weren't surrounded by people who were trying to kill you? It's my favorite game! I'll be taking applications over there – Harley, be a lamb and get me a drink, would you?" he said, heading over to a corner table.
"Mr. Joker, I think you've run an amazing campaign so far – you're neck and neck with Luthor," said one of his advisors as they sat down. "However, thirteen percent of Americans would prefer a giant meteor to hit the earth than have either of you in the White House."
"Only thirteen percent?" asked Joker, raising his eyebrows. "That seems like a surprisingly low number. What am I doing wrong?"
"Nothing, you're doing everything right," said the other man, nodding. "But I would like to advise you to reconsider this vice president pick – our studies show that the majority of supercriminals in Gotham are old white men."
"Yeah, so am I," said Joker, nodding. "Not so old, but extra white!"
"Yes, that's the problem," said the advisor. "Both you and Luthor are old white men. The voters of this country crave a change in the political system – they want diversity. Now obviously we can't do anything about you and Luthor, but we can do something about your VP pick. Avoid old white men, and go for someone a little more diverse."
"You mean I should pick someone based on their gender or race, something which they have no control over, rather than any kind of intelligence, experience, or political acumen?" asked Joker.
"Precisely, yes," said the advisor. "It polls well with the voters. Things like intelligence and experience are something you have to look up and think about – it's much easier to judge someone by just looking at their gender or skin color. And the less voters have to think, the better. Thinking is hard for a lot of them."
"Wow, politics really is a joke," said Joker, nodding. "So ideally we'd need a female ethnic minority? You're right – that ain't too many supercriminals. Except Amanda Waller, and I'll be damned if I run alongside her. An evil bureaucrat – is there anything worse?"
"What about that Asian woman who appeared in Gotham several years ago in order to kill Batman?" suggested the other advisor. "Lady Shiva, was it?"
"Hey, if we're going with assassins, let's ask Batsy's girlfriend if she's interested!" chuckled Joker. "That'd be a laugh riot! And think how much it would annoy Batsy to see his doll on my campaign ticket! I know she's a psycho dame who craves power – she'd be perfect!"
"Who's a psycho dame who craves power, puddin'?" asked Harley, returning with his drink.
"Talia al Ghul," replied Joker. "Batsy's gal. I'm considering asking her to be my VP."
"Oh," said Harley, jealousy flashing into her eyes. "The attractive, exotic-looking women who's always strutting around in tight leather?"
"Yeah, and wouldn't the male vote go wild over that?" chuckled Joker. "This idea just gets better and better – someone find out how we can contact her."
"Puddin', I'm not comfortable with you spending so much time in such close proximity with a gal like that," said Harley. "You know how irresistible you are – she might try to seduce you."
"Batsy's gal?" repeated Joker. "I don't think I'm her type. Although that'd be a laugh riot in how much it would annoy Batsy too."
"Puddin', I'm being serious," snapped Harley. "Plus if you're gonna be president, you'll be an even more powerful man than you already are, and you know how attractive power is to women. Especially women who already crave power. Besides, doesn't she want to wipe all criminals from the earth? I doubt she'd agree to work with you."
"Well, who would you suggest for my VP?" asked Joker. "The boys think it should be a female from an ethnic minority – that'll poll best with the voters. Pammie ain't any sort of ethnic minority, is she? I mean, she's half-plant and green-skinned, but I don't think those people were historically oppressed."
"Wait a minute, what about Harley?" asked one of the advisors, snapping his fingers.
"Harley?" repeated Joker. "She ain't an ethnic minority."
"She's Jewish," he said. "You couldn't get more historically oppressed than that!"
"Yeah, but she needs to start ramping up the Jewishness if she's going to run on that," said the other advisor, nodding. "She needs to be throwing out catchphrases like 'oy vey' and 'mazel tov' a lot more, so people know she's Jewish."
"You want me to turn myself into a Jewish stereotype?" asked Harley. "I'm pretty sure that's hugely offensive to me and my ancestors…"
"Oh, just do it, Harley," snapped Joker. "Or I'll ask Talia to run with me instead."
Harley sighed heavily. "All right, if it'll make you happy, Mr. J. Oy, we gotta be God's chosen people to be this long suffering," she muttered.
"There you go, Harley, that's the spirit!" exclaimed Joker. "There we go, boys – vote Joker and Harley Quinn to make America laugh again! It even rhymes!"
"I guess it does have kinda a nice ring to it," said Harley, smiling. "Cheers, Mr. J," she said, raising her glass. "Uh…I mean, mazel tov," she said, noticing the look the advisors were giving her.
"Now that you're on the ballot, Harl, I do think there's gotta be a few changes," said Joker. "Not just in the way you talk, but also in the way you dress."
"What's wrong with my harlequin suit?" asked Harley, puzzled. "It shows I support you."
"Nothing's wrong with it, pooh, but if you're gonna attract voters, you gotta dress to attract an audience. For a guy, that's a suit," he said, gesturing at his usual purple clothing. "For a girl, that's as little as possible."
"I don't wanna wear anything too skimpy in public, Mr. J…" began Harley.
"Look, Harley, the only reason that godawful film, Kamikaze Krew or whatever it was called, made any money at all was because it had a hot blonde in hot pants," snapped Joker. "It had literally nothing else going for it to attract an audience, and it made a lotta money despite being universally terrible. That's all because of the way the blonde was dressed and presented, as a scantily-clad submissive sex doll with Daddy issues. So that's what you're gonna dress like. Boys, go pick her up one of the 'Daddy's Little Monster' shirts and hot pants," he said, nodding at the advisor. "You should be able to find them in any costume shop – they were like the most popular Halloween costumes this year."
"But puddin', I don't wanna dress as a popular Halloween costume," protested Harley. "Why can't I dress in something glamorous? After all, being the first female VP nominee, I should be a role model for little girls…"
"You're not the first female VP nominee," interrupted Joker. "Remember that one who said she could see Russia from her house? But you'll be the first actual female VP when I take this election home!"
"Right, so can I dress as a role model?" asked Harley.
"No, you're dressing as a male wet dream!" snapped Joker. "Until I win this thing, and then you can dress in a sack for all I care!"
"Harley, are you actually going to let him do this to you?" demanded Ivy, who was first in the long line waiting to see Joker about the nomination. "Style you into someone completely different, an offensive Jewish stereotype, and an offensive look to all women, just so you can win the election? Is getting Joker into the White House really worth your dignity?"
"Well…we all gotta make sacrifices to win the election," said Harley, slowly. "And if it'll make puddin' happy, I'll do it. He's had my dignity for a long time, after all."
"There's your problem right there," sighed Ivy. "Also, that's a terrible attitude from someone who should be a role model to young women…"
"Yeah, so's seducing men in order to kill them and sleeping with plants," retorted Joker. "Now if you'll excuse me, Weed Lady, we'll just be going – as you can see, I already got my veep sorted. That goes for the rest of you, losers," he announced, standing up and heading for the door straight past the line. "Go home – I went with Harley in the end. This was all a complete waste of your time."
"Do you think it's funny to just massively troll people like that?" demanded Penguin, who had been waiting in line.
"Yeah, pretty funny," agreed Joker. "Anyway, Pengers, I wouldn't have picked you. I hope some day in the future America will be ready for its first openly gay vice president, but I don't think that day's here yet. But don't let that discourage you from following your dreams," he said, patting him on the back. "One day, people will be judged by the content of the character, not the superficial things they can't control like appearance, gender, race, or sexuality. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to give my female ethnic minority veep a makeover so she's more appealing to the voters. See you around, and vote Joker!"
"If he becomes president, I'm going to assassinate him," growled Penguin. "And I'll take full credit for it – no hiding behind the grassy knoll for me."
"Yeah, there's gonna be lotsa people lining up for that job," agreed Two-Face. "But that also means that Harley would then take over the presidency. And Harley with Joker dead is gonna be even crazier than she already is. She'll nuke the world on a whim just so it can feel her pain."
"Joker will nuke the world on a whim just because it's funny," retorted Ivy. "You know, people say I'm too hard on humanity, but when it narrows down its two choices for one of the most powerful positions in the world to a corrupt corporate shill with a criminal past, and an insane clown who just says whatever random crap comes into his head, I don't think advocating plant domination is at all unreasonable."
"I'm starting to agree with you, Pam," said Two-Face, nodding. "I really am."