Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Friendship Algorithm'; 'The Vegas Renormalization'; 'The Gothowitz Deviation'; 'The Hofstadter Isotope'; 'The Cornhusker Vortex'; 'The Financial Permeability'; 'The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition'
xTBBTx
Leonard heard Penny's voice in the hall as he rode the elevator to his floor. It had only been five days since Penny told Sheldon to take a hike but for Leonard time seemed to have warped at apartment 4A. Howard and Raj did their best not to be douches as Leonard explained to Sheldon that the latter's behavior contributed to Penny closing her door on the lanky physicist. Leonard still wasn't sure if Sheldon 'got' it but over the past four days he'd been unusually quiet.
The doors opened and Leonard stepped into the hall to see Penny and Stuart waiting for the elevator.
"Hi guys," he said amiably. "Date night, huh?"
"Yeah," Penny smiled although it didn't seem to reach her eyes. "Stuart's exhibition is tonight and we thought we'd check it out."
"Well it's not my exhibition. I've got like one picture in it. It's probably in a corner under a burned out bulb," sighed Stuart.
"Hey, what did I say about doubting yourself?" Penny teased.
"'Leave it to the experts'," the comic store owner said with a tight smile.
"That's right," she said.
"Well, have a good night," Leonard said and the pair entered the elevator.
Penny and Leonard looked at each other and the physicist could tell that she wanted to ask him about his roommate and he hoped he conveyed that Sheldon really missed her even though the lanky man was too much of an idiot to apologize.
The elevator doors closed.
Leonard shook his head and with a sigh turned the lock and opened the apartment door. Immediately his curiosity piqued as he noted Sheldon had set up three massive whiteboards, one of which was—
"Hey! That's my whiteboard!" growled Leonard as he shut the door and sprayed the bottom of his shoes.
"Yes, well, as you weren't using it—"
"I was close to working out how to detect gravitational waves, Sheldon!"
"No you weren't. Your numbers were way off. The range of frequencies that could plausibly be detected range from ten to the negative seven Hz up to ten to the eleventh Hz. Anything outside that spectrum is unmeasurable," sniffed Sheldon.
"I know; I was just seeing if we could stretch the parameters," Leonard said defensively.
"Not with those numbers. The only thing you're stretching with those is the realm of impossibility," said Sheldon as he made a correction to his board.
"So what was so important that you had to commandeer the whiteboards?" Leonard said, still fuming.
"I've thought over what you'd said to me a few days ago and have come to acknowledge an inherent difficulty in bonding with people on my part." Sheldon tapped the board with the capped marker. "So like any good scientist I've been conducting research to better understand how to rectify the situation."
"Like saying, 'I'm sorry' and actually meaning it?" the shorter man asked sarcastically.
"Leonard, I need you to be serious," Sheldon said with a frown.
"You're right, I'm ca-razy." Leonard folded his arms across his chest as he sat on the arm of the couch. "Okay, so what is all this?"
"My solution for rekindling my friendship with Penny."
"Huh." Leonard read over the flow chart. "Alright. So where did you get your data?"
"Well they didn't have a direct 'how-to' manual so I had to extrapolate," said Sheldon as he indicated a book on the coffee table. Leonard reached over and picked it up.
"'Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo'," he read.
"It's quite the page-turner," Sheldon said enthusiastically. "My approach to Penny had similar deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo. By isolating his trials into a simple flowchart I've come up with a method for reestablishing my friendship with Penny."
"Well off the bat I can see something wrong with the plan," Leonard said slowly. "Besides the fact neither of you are a cockatoo."
"You're being too literal, but go on."
"Well all of this is predisposed on the idea that Penny is receptive to resuming your friendship. Stu was new at the zoo and so didn't have the baggage associated with a previous friendship going down the drain. You do."
Sheldon placed the marker on the ledge.
"I can't see why Penny wouldn't want to resume our friendship. I'm playful, intelligent, have a ruthless attention to hygiene and am an exceptional Java applet writer," he said evenly. "Who could resist that?"
Leonard raised an eyebrow. "'Playful'? Uh, Sheldon, I don't know if this is going to work."
"I've gone through a great deal to accommodate Penny into my life." Sheldon's face became grave. "I have to try," he said seriously. His roommate nodded slowly.
"Good luck," Leonard said.
Sheldon clasped his hands behind his back and resumed studying his board.
XxX
The elevator door opened and Penny and Stuart emerged onto her floor.
"Thanks for coming, Penny," Stuart said. "It was nice having someone I know with me."
"Yeah, well that guy with the sweatpants from your store was there," she replied as she went to unlock her door.
"Well he at least wore a long-sleeved Captain American shirt so I suppose he didn't stand out too badly. Of course it would've been nice if he didn't touch all the cheese," he said drolly, causing Penny to laugh.
"Oh my God, I thought I was the only one to see that."
The door to 4A opened and Sheldon stepped into the hall.
"Good evening Stuart," he said amiably although his eyes were on Penny. "I see you've returned from your outing."
"Hey Sheldon," the comic store owner replied. "Yeah, I was just dropping off Penny."
"Right to my door just like a gentleman," Penny said with an enthusiastic smile although she looked to her neighbor.
"I see." Sheldon quickly went over the algorithm in his head. "You know Penny, it's been five days since we've been in social contact and its occurred to me that my conduct might be at partial fault."
"Oh really?" Penny said sarcastically. "Do tell."
"When we last—spoke—I hadn't offered any concrete suggestions for continuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us could share a meal together?"
"I already ate," the waitress replied.
"I see. Well then perhaps you'd have time for a hot beverage? Popular choices include tea, cocoa—"
"Actually Stuart and I were just going in for a cup of coffee," Penny said pointedly.
"Isn't it a little late in the evening for coffee?" asked Sheldon. "Perhaps an alternate beverage is in order given the hour and relatively short time the two of you have been acquainted." Penny's mouth dropped. "Now back to the point at hand. I admit I'm inexperienced when it comes to the maintaining of friendships but Stu has pointed out to me that friendship is a two way street."
Penny looked to Stuart.
"It wasn't me," he said quickly.
"Who's Stu?" she asked Sheldon.
"A cockatoo."
"A cockatoo?"
"Yes, he's new at the zoo," Sheldon said dismissively. "Anyways, it's possible that some of my actions could be considered inappropriate if seen from a certain perspective-"
"You mean like mine?" Penny said with a smirk.
"That's one perspective, yes. And similarly your actions towards me could be regarded as hostile-"
"LOLcats are hostile?"
"You touched my onion ring and then threw it back on the plate," Sheldon said with a frown.
"Yeah, that crossed the line," Penny admitted.
"Darn tootin'." Sheldon raised himself to his full height. "I'd like to think my friendship is worth more than free wifi or a boisterous late night cup of coffee with repugnant individuals." He regarded Stuart. "No offence."
"None taken," replied Stuart. "Although repugnant is a little harsh."
Penny was taken aback. "Oh my God, Sheldon, of course it is. You've just got to tone down the whackedness a bit. People will strike out from time to time. That's just how we are."
"So what am I supposed to do if you persist in antagonizing me?" Sheldon asked.
"What we're doing now. Talk."
"I didn't appreciate you taking the labels off my glasses and shooting my spot," he said.
"I didn't like being tossed from your apartment like trash," she replied.
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Banning you from the apartment doesn't constitute tossing you like trash."
"You make it like everybody has to play by your rules or else," scowled Penny.
"All people have rules, Penny."
"Yeah, but not necessarily for the right reasons." She took in his pursed lips. "Look, I didn't know you hated LOLcats. I won't send them again. And I'll leave your milk alone."
"I don't mind the milk thefts so long as you acknowledge them so I can account for overall volume."
"You got it, boss." Pause. "I'm sorry about your cushion."
"I regret making your clothing a public spectacle," Sheldon countered.
"Yeah, maybe it's a little late for coffee," said Stuart as he looked between Penny and Sheldon. "But I could sure go for a cup of tea."
"Yeah, I've got some tea," Penny said with a pleased look on her face.
"Good. After all this excitement I require a hot beverage," the physicist said.
"Why not?" Penny chuckled and took out her keys to unlock her door.
"You know, Stuart, I'm in the midst of a rip-roaring debate on the DC comics message board about who should replace Bat-Man in the event he dies or retires."
"I think Jason Todd is the logical choice to be Bat-Man," said Stuart.
"Interesting. Wrong, but interesting. Dick Grayson is the obvious successor."
"Nanotechnology is interesting. Dick Grayson as Bat-Man is wrong," countered Stuart firmly.
Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "Prove it," he said as he breezed by Penny and entered her apartment with Stuart in hot pursuit.
Alone in the hall Penny took in the two comic nerds as they argued in her living room. Up to this point she'd never heard Stuart sound authoritative although Sheldon's arrogance clearly dwarfed the comic store owner. From the tone of his voice she could tell that Sheldon was deadly serious about the comic book babble. How someone who worked on the origins of the universe could get his tighty whities in a knot over who should be Bat-Man was absolutely mind boggling to her but then again she wasn't a genius like Sheldon. Or maybe 'sooper genius' like Wile E. Coyote….
"Penny, aren't you going to make tea?" said Sheldon, snapping her out of her reverie.
The Nebraskan quickly stepped inside and closed the door.
xTBBTx
"So where did you learn how to kite-fight?" asked Leonard as he watched his roommate position Raj's authentic Patang fighting kite on the wall to the right of the closet.
"I grew up in Galveston, Leonard. The coast allows for excellent wind conditions for such things as kiteboarding."
"Wow. Never knew you kiteboarded." Sheldon paused in his work to regard his friend.
"Don't be silly. That would require me getting wet." He moved the kite wing a micro hair to the left and then stood back. "Ah, the spoils of war. Rajesh did a magnificent job putting the kite together."
"He's going to be pissed when he sees it mounted on the wall," Leonard warned.
"I'm merely enacting the age-old custom of 'to the victor goes the spoils' or as the childhood ditty so cleverly summarizes: nee-ner-nee-ner-neeee-ner."
The apartment door opened even as Penny knocked.
"Hey guys," she said amiably.
"Let's see, Leonard, we have a knock at the door, Penny entering our apartment and a greeting. Now unless one of us has Flash-like quickness and opened the door for her I'd say an important step was missed," Sheldon said evenly.
"Yeah, yeah," Penny said before sticking out her tongue. Sheldon, for his part, turned to his neighbor with an amused expression.
"Now that you've so eloquently expressed yourself shall we get down to the nature of your intrusion?"
"Well I heard that yesterday was the big day so I wanted to see how your cushion turned out," Penny said in a tone she hoped didn't sound as nervous as she felt.
Immediately Sheldon's face became serious.
"Ah." He moved to the couch. "As you can see the stain has been removed."
"That's great!" Penny was relieved.
"However in the process the cushion's density has been repositioned thus leaving my coccyx and buttocks in a state of discomfort."
"Huh?" Penny looked to Leonard.
"He misses his butt-cheek dents in the cushion," the short physicist grinned.
Penny shook her head in mirth.
"Anyhoo, I'm glad things turned out." She dug into her pocket for two twenty dollar bills. "Listen Sheldon, since what happened was kinda my fault—"
"You shot my cushion three times at point-blank range, of course it's your fault," Sheldon said.
"Sheldon, be nice," Leonard said warningly.
"Well it's not like the cushion provoked her, Leonard," Sheldon sniffed as he took up a container from the side table and proceeded to the door. "As you were saying, Penny?"
"Here's forty bucks. If it doesn't cover the cleaning just let me know how much more I owe you and—"
"Forty is fine. The rest is negligible." Sheldon took in his neighbor's look of relief before presenting her with the container. "Chocolate?"
"Thanks." She took a chocolate and popped it into her mouth. "Wow, this is good!"
"I noticed your penchant for dark chocolate."
"That a part of that 'all-knowing physicist' thing?" she teased.
"Something like that," he said drolly.
"Hey, what's that on the wall?" Penny indicated the kite with her eyes.
"It's a Patang fighting kite," said Leonard. "Sheldon won it from Raj in a duel this afternoon. You should see it."
"Sure." Penny slipped off her flip-flops and sprayed her feet.
"You can just spray your shoes and come in," said Leonard. "Sheldon's okay with it. Sort of."
"I guess," replied the waitress. "But it's kinda habit by now so wearing them inside the apartment just feels weird, y'know?"
"I can understand ritual," said Sheldon. "Have another chocolate."
Penny popped one into her mouth and came towards a frowning Leonard.
"What?" she said.
"I'm not sure," he replied as his eyes drifted inquiringly to Sheldon.
"As you can see the length of the top line to the tow point is the length between the two bridle to spine connection points here and here," the lanky physicist pointed on the kite. "The length of the bottom bridle to the tow point is typically between half an inch to two inches longer than the length of the two spine connections. The spine of the kite has a slight convex curve toward the face of the kite."
"Um, yeah," said Penny with a little smile. "It's obvious when you point it out."
Two sharp knocks at the door before it opened and in came Raj and Howard wearing black clothing and tattoo sleeves. Howard's outfit was spectacular with the amount of leather, pvc and spikes covering his body. Then there was the black eyeliner….
"Well if it isn't Howard Gothowitz and Rajesh Spookrappali," chuckled Leonard.
"We are Children of the Night out on the prowl," Howard said slickly before looking to Penny with a raised eyebrow and making a playful 'roar'.
"We had a dog that made a sound like that on the farm," said Penny. "Had to put it down." Sheldon held out the container and she took a chocolate.
Immediately a dark look came to Raj's face as he noticed his kite on the wall. He whispered furiously to Howard.
"Raj said he likes what you've done with the place," the engineer quipped, garnering a slap on the arm. "Penny, I hate to bother you but I'm out of black eyeliner."
"Yeah I think I've got some." Penny took in Howard's kickass leather platform boots. "You know it'd be simpler if you come to my place instead of taking off your boots." She approached the engineer and slipped on her own foot apparel. "Besides, it'll give Sheldon a chance to gloat over the kite."
"Penny," said Sheldon. The Nebraskan turned and opened her mouth as the physicist gently lobbed a chocolate in her direction.
"Thanks, Sheldon," she said with her mouth full of chocolate before leaving the apartment with Howard.
"First of all, I formally object to you displaying my kite since it was taken under dubious circumstances," Raj said icily.
"What are you doing giving Penny chocolate?" Leonard interjected.
"'Dubious circumstances'," scoffed Sheldon. "My Manjha clipped and downed your kite fair and square, not to mention with flair and skill." His eyes flicked to his roommate. "You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of 'nice'."
Raj was steamed. "How was it fair? You had Leonard while I had a very sucky partner who left me for a good looking jogger."
"You're using chocolate as positive reinforcement for what you consider good behavior, Sheldon!" snapped Leonard. "You can't train Penny like a lab rat!"
The lanky physicist shook his head derisively at the astrophysicist. "How is it my fault you relied on inferior assistance? As you pointed out I had Leonard and yet I persevered."
"Hey!" said Leonard.
"Your anger is misdirected, Raj." Sheldon held up the bowl. "Chocolate?"
"Thank you," sulked Raj as he took a bite.
"Will you stop that!" Leonard growled. "You can't bend people to your whim any time you want by waving a bowl of chocolate in the air."
"Actually, it turns out I can," Sheldon countered evenly. "If I'd known about the power of chocolate as an operant conditioning technique I could have saved myself all the endured hardship related to Penny altering my routines."
Leonard gawked at his roommate.
"You're something else," he said with a disgusted look.
Sheldon seemingly looked taller. "I've always considered myself an extraordinary being, a homo novus if you will."
"More of an 'oi vey' if you ask me," snorted Raj. "Can I have another chocolate?"
"No," Sheldon said firmly and walked to the side table to get the container cover.
"Look at the bright side, Raj, it's less fattening disagreeing with Sheldon," soothed Leonard.
"My hips agree with you but my tummy hates me right now," sighed the astrophysicist.
xTBBTx
"So anyways Leslie's off with Ron from the geology lab," sighed Leonard as he slumped against Penny's couch. "I mean it's none of my business. Sure we were sexual partners but it's not like we were anything other than friends with benefits." He shrugged. "Okay, colleagues with benefits but it still doesn't explain why I feel so damn hurt. I mean it's not like this is the first time I dated Leslie. Sure she broke my heart the first time with her 'Mama's a rolling stone' comment but I knew this time she wasn't serious and yet I still fell for her."
Penny smiled sympathetically and patted his thigh.
"Probably because you're not exactly a friends with benefits kinda guy, Leonard."
"Don't get me wrong, I liked the sex," he said with a crooked smile.
"Yeah but you're supposed to lead with your penis not your heart. Some people can do the friends with benefits and some can't."
"I guess." He chuckled softly. "Although if you're ever available to test that hypothesis…." She stuck out her tongue. "Thanks Penny, you're awesome. I guess—" His phone rang out a Joker laugh.
"Man, that's creepy," Penny shuddered.
"Tell me about it," Leonard muttered as he answered his phone. "Hello? … Ah. … No, no problem." He hung up, looking crestfallen.
"What?" Penny asked, concerned.
"Guess Leslie dialed my number by mistake."
Penny pursed her lips. "You should block her number."
"No, she's a colleague. Sometimes I have to coordinate labs with her," he explained.
"Fine." She took Leonard's phone from his hand and turned it off. "Then until you get to Vegas this puppy's out of service."
"Fair enough. Speaking of which I better get a move on." He got up and pocketed his phone before taking up his overnight bag. "Thanks again for listening."
"Quit thanking me and go." The came to the threshold of Penny's apartment before the waitress gave him a hug. "Go get 'em, Tiger."
"Whatever you say, Mary Jane," the physicist replied cheerily before crossing over to his apartment and stuck in his head. "Sheldon, I'm off."
No answer.
"'Goodbye Leonard. Have a good time, Leonard'," the short man said to himself as he closed and locked the door. He hopped into the elevator and made his way to his car and an engineer and a sour-looking astrophysicist.
"What?" Leonard asked Raj.
"Howard's been texting Leslie," Raj replied. Leonard looked accusingly at Howard.
"I didn't start it," Howard explained. "Leslie's a woman with needs and apparently she needs someone to sooth her."
"But you told her you're going to Vegas with me, right?" Leonard said icily as the trio got into his car.
"Well not in so many words."
Raj was not impressed. "Howard…."
"Relax," Howard said as he typed away. "I said my mother's sick but that I'd be available tomorrow night." A moment and then his phone chimed.
Leonard glared at him through the rear view mirror. "If you answer that you can forget about going."
"Yeah, bros before hoes," Raj agreed.
"Fine." Howard turned off his phone and stuck it in his pocket.
"Penny was right, no phones until Vegas," said Leonard. "Time to bond with my male cohorts and plan to conquer womankind."
"That's the spirit," smiled Raj. "Time to get up, dust yourself off and get back on the hoes."
Howard rolled his eyes while Leonard grinned and drove off.
XxX
"Boy that woman can blather," tsked Sheldon as he came down the hall cleaning his hands with antibacterial cleanser. He'd thrown out the garbage and was heading back to the apartment when Mrs. Hamilton in 4C flagged him to get her kitchen curtain down. Mrs. Vartabedian happened to be there and it was what Sheldon felt a dog's age until he managed to escape the conversation.
He put the cleaner back in his pocket and went to enter his apartment but the handle didn't turn.
"Odd, it's locked," he murmured.
Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."
Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."
Knock Knock Knock "Leonard."
No answer. Sheldon's stomach dropped.
Knock! Knock! Knock! "Leonard!"
Knock! Knock! Knock! "Leonard!"
"Leonard's gone," Penny said as she opened her door. Sheldon was in a panic.
"What do you mean 'gone'? He didn't tell me he was going now!"
Knock! Knock! Knock! "Leonard!"
"Sorry sweetie, he left about fifteen-twenty minutes ago," Penny said soothingly.
Sheldon sighed. "I'll need the emergency key."
"You said you wanted it back, remember?"
"Yes, and you didn't give it to me," he said with a scowl.
Penny smirked as she leaned against her doorframe. "I didn't want to give it to you because you were being an ass but I did listen. I gave it back to Leonard the next day."
Sheldon shook his head. "The one time you choose to listen to me…." He felt his pants pockets for his phone. "Drat. You'll have to call him."
"That could be a problem."
"Don't tell me you didn't pay your phone bill," he replied, garnering him a glare.
"Yes I paid my phone bill," Penny said sarcastically. "I mean that he got a call from Leslie so I told him to turn off his phone until he hit Vegas." Now it was Sheldon's turn to scowl.
"Is there anything else you've done that could possibly make this any worse?" he said tersely.
"I suppose giggling at the sour look on your puss wouldn't help, huh?" Penny said sweetly.
"We'll have to call Raj or Howard," he said stiffly as he marched past Penny into her apartment.
"Why come on in, Sheldon. Make yourself at home," she said and closed her apartment door.
"Hardly. My 'home' doesn't have dirty laundry on my living room furniture," Sheldon sniffed.
Penny handed him her phone. "Call Raj first. I don't want Howard to know my number."
Sheldon dialed Raj. "Oh don't worry about that. Howard already knows your number."
"You told him?" she gasped.
"No, he hacked Leonard's phone. … Hmm, Raj isn't answering." He dialed Howard's number. A frown came to his brow. "Neither is Howard. Well this is a disaster."
"It's not that bad," Penny soothed.
"Penny, I don't have my keys, wallet or phone. It's like I've been mugged."
"Not true. You'd have takeout with you, remember?" She smiled at his glare. "Look just call the Super."
Sheldon dialed. "Hello, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper at 2311 North Los Robles, apartment 4A. Thanks to the verbosity of a neighbor and a lack of coordination on the part of my roommate I am locked out of my apartment. I can be reached at 626 756 1534." He hung up and sighed.
"Well you might as well have a seat. It's not like he's gonna call in five seconds."
"But I called the emergency line. He has to call back."
Penny sat down on the couch. "The building on fire is an emergency. This is inconvenient."
The physicist frowned. "Suppose I couldn't access my medication? That constitutes an emergency."
"Are you on any medication?"
"I'm using a prescription topical ointment for my acne."
"Well if the Super calls and you tell him that he'll believe you have special medication," she quipped.
"Amusing," Sheldon said through pursed lips. He looked around the apartment with distaste. "Your cleaning agents are in the bathroom?"
"Sheldon, you don't have to clean my apartment every time you step in."
"Cleaning will give me something constructive to do until the superintendant calls."
"Yeah, I mean it's not like we could talk or watch a movie or something," Penny said with a roll of the eyes.
"Alright," Sheldon said with a sarcastic tone. "Do you have anything constructive to say about trains, Star Trek, comic books or quantum physics?"
"No." A sudden thought came to the Nebraskan. "But you are into time travel and stuff, right?"
"I've been know to dabble in 'stuff', yes," mocked the physicist.
"Well I've got a time-travel flick we can watch." She got up and went to the dvd player and opened it.
"Time travel is fascinating," Sheldon gushed as he tentatively sat down in his chair. "It's always interesting to see how the movie and television industry depict it. For instance, Doctor Who travels in what looks like a nineteen sixties police box when it's in actuality a T.A.R.D.I.S. or 'Time And Relative Dimensions In Space'."
"Uh huh." She found the movie and popped open the case.
"I already introduced you to the time machine from the movie, The Time Machine. Other common devices include objects like photographs in Red Dwarf, the Guardian of Forever time portal in Star Trek season one episode twenty eight, time holes in Time Bandits, motor vehicles such as Marty McFly's Delorean or—"
"How about a time traveling mailbox?" she said as she sat on the couch and picked up the remote.
"Haven't heard of that before." He thought about it. "It would be annoying having one's bills traveling back and forth in time."
"Just shush and watch."
He took in the weird smile on Penny's face and turned to watch the film.
XxX
"So what'd ya think?" asked Penny as she turned off the television. "Sorry the copy's a little off but it's a bootleg and—"
"You actually broke the law in order to see this drivel?" scoffed Sheldon.
"Hey, it's a good movie," she countered albeit with a similar smile as earlier which Sheldon decided to label as 'of a devilish nature'.
"'Good movie'. Good Lord. Penny, the implausibility was endless. The very notion that—"
"The science wasn't the point, Sheldon," she said. "It was the relationship."
"Science is always the point," he countered. "Without science everything is chaos."
"Oh really?" smirked Penny. "Okay genius, so how does science explain why we're friends?"
"We have a Friendship Agreement," he said simply, making his companion chuckle.
"Still haven't decided if you like me, huh?"
"It's difficult when you waste my time on films such as this."
"Ah, it's good for ya. Anyhoo, I'm starving." She got off the couch and went to the kitchen.
"I've a hankering for paneer," said Sheldon.
"What's that?"
"An Indian cheese dish. We can always call Bombay Grill and order dinner. I'll repay you as soon as Leonard gets home."
"Yeah, well that could be a problem since I'm a little short on cash," she said as she took out a pot and filled it with water.
"That's alright. We can order accordingly. How much do you have?"
"Nothin'." She put the pot on the stove to heat.
Sheldon dropped his jaw even as he stood. "How can you have nothing? Weren't you paid yesterday?"
"Yeah, but the engine going out on my car really screwed me over," she sighed. "I had to take some money from the rent to cover that and then my credit card maxed when I paid my phone bill so that nixes that."
"How can you live like this?"
"It's not this bad all the time," she snapped. "It's just that the Cheesecake Factory doesn't always pay the bills." She leaned against the counter. "When I started I was living with Kurt so things were okay."
"So why don't you procure other employment with higher wages?"
"Because this isn't supposed to be for life, Sheldon," she explained. "I'm just doing this until my acting career takes off."
"And what if it doesn't?"
"It's going to," she said adamantly.
Silence.
"So what are you going to do now?" Sheldon asked. Penny shrugged.
"Well everything's been cut except my phone and hydro—by the way I might have to use your stove for a few days."
"This is hardly sound planning," Sheldon tsked.
"I know." Penny again sighed. "This wasn't supposed to happen this way, y'know?"
"Actually, all of your preceding choices have led you to this moment in linear time."
She snorted in amusement. "I wish I could undo some of them like meeting Kurt."
"You said you came out to California with him. If not for his company you might not have and then you'd never have met and befriended…people that you currently know," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth even as he averted his eyes.
"Yeah, good people," Penny smiled. "Well if I can't change the big stuff at least I wish I had my fourteen hundred bucks back."
"Your engine needed to be fixed."
"Not from the car I mean from Kurt." Sheldon looked at her questioningly. "He had a bunch of tickets and I paid them off so he wouldn't go to jail."
"And he's never paid you back."
"Nope," she said, popping the 'P'.
"You can always take him to small claims court but of course that does nothing to mitigate your current predicament." He cocked his head. "I can give you a microloan."
Penny immediately felt awkward. "Thanks sweetie but I can't take your money. You're rebuilding your savings, remember?"
"It's just sitting in my apartment," he pressed. "As things stand you've cut just about every expense so you're out of options."
Penny looked sad. "Yeah, I suppose I'll have to look for a cheaper place to live."
"No," he said firmly, surprising her. "That's an extreme overreaction. What you need is a chance to reorganize financially and an interest free loan will give you that opportunity."
"I don't know when I can pay you back," she said shyly.
"When you can. It's impossible to pay me back any sooner," he said evenly.
"Thank you," Penny said. Sheldon nodded. "Okay, so we've got two choices: mac and cheese with a little butter and no milk or else pasta with butter and a sprinkle of cheese powder."
"Surprise me," he said drolly.
She smiled and went to the cupboard for the pasta box.
XxX
Penny sat on the couch watching Sheldon as the latter continued tidying up her living room.
"I dunno, are you Star Trek?" she sighed. Immediately Sheldon stopped and straightened.
"How can I be an entire franchise?" he said disgustedly. "For your information I was Spock."
"Oh, well, that was my second guess," she smirked before taking a sip of iced water. "My turn."
Sheldon resumed cleaning. "Alright. Are you human?"
"Yes."
"Hmm, well that rather narrows it. Are you female?"
"No."
"Are you an entertainer?"
"Yes."
"Are you a musician?"
"Yes."
"Are you alive?"
"Yes."
"Would I find your music irritating?"
Penny giggled. "Most definitely."
"Are you a solo act?"
"I am now."
"Hmm. A male mainstream musician who was formally group affiliated." Sheldon snorted. "Well the answer is obvious: you're no one of significance."
"You should talk," Penny countered. "At least Justin Timberlake is real unlike your Spock."
Again Sheldon turned to his neighbor. "For your information Spock has been responsible for several songs such as George Duke's 'Spock Gets Funky' and 'Vulcan Mind Probe', Paul Gilbert's 'Mr. Spock' and who could ever forget Leonard Nimoy's portrayal of Spock in the song 'Highly Illogical' in which Spock points out the foibles of human thought such as relationships, automobiles and greed."
Penny raised an eyebrow. "So what does he have to say about relationships?"
"'Girl meets boy they fall in love; She says he's everything she's dreamed of;
But when they get married before he's aware; She changes his habits the way he combs his hair;
She changes him to someone he's never been; And then complains he's not like other men;
Now really I find this most illogical'"
"Whatever," Penny said as she took in Sheldon's smug look. "Everyone changes when they're a couple, Sheldon."
"I wouldn't," he said adamantly. "Of course the whole topic is moot since I'll never be pair-bonded."
Penny was inexplicably disappointed. "Really? I mean what if you found a lady-Spock?"
"If she was in any way like Spock she'd know that a romantic relationship is an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships," he said casually.
"Yeah just you and good ol' physics," Penny mumbled before taking another sip of water.
"Actually I see it more as my Nobel Prize and me."
"And Star Trek."
Sheldon was impressed. "There's hope for you yet."
"And I'll quit while I'm ahead." She got off the couch. "Okay, enough cleaning and time for bed. I'll get you a blanket and pillow."
"You expect me to sleep on the floor?" he gasped.
"On the couch, silly."
Sheldon shook his head derisively. "Penny even if it was possible for me to pretzel myself so as to fit onto your couch while maintaining lumbar support I'd still be uncomfortable."
"So what do you want to do?"
"You've got a bed."
"Why Sheldon, are you saying you want to get into my bed?" Penny said coyly.
"I believe I just said that," he replied, slightly confused.
"Yeah, I know sweetie," she chuckled. "Come on."
Sheldon followed her before stopping at the door of her bedroom. He wrinkled his nose as he stared at the clothes on the floor.
"You're gonna have to get in here sooner or later," she warned. He entered and she turned back the covers and fluffed the pillow. "There ya go, all primped for your stay, monsieur."
"Docteur." She stepped back to let him at the bed. He bit the inside of his cheek as he tried to figure out the best way to tackle the situation. A hand tentatively reached for the blankets before quickly retreating. He turned to sit only to suddenly straighten as if stung on the buttocks. His eyes flicked to Penny and caught her scowl.
"It's clean," she said testily.
"Did you sleep here last night?"
"Yeah."
"Then it isn't clean."
She narrowed her eyes. "Ya wanna try the floor?"
Sheldon pulled the sheet and blanket over the pillow. He gingerly sat down on the bed and bounced on it to test the mattress making Penny roll her eyes. He took off his shoes and slid in between the blanket and the comforter and pulled the latter up to his chin.
"Sing Soft Kitty to me," he said quietly with wide blue eyes.
"You're not sick," Penny countered.
"Homesick is a kind of sick."
"How can you be homesick?" she said incredulously. "You live just across the hall."
"I miss my Saturday pajamas and cup of warm milk and my comic message board and the regularity of normally clockwork bodily functions." He looked at her earnestly. "I didn't poop tonight."
Penny sat on the bed trying hard to conceal her smile. "Are you afraid of the dark too?"
"I'm not a child," he sniffed. "Now sing."
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur; happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." He gave a little sigh and she got up. "'Night Sheldon."
"Penny." She turned to him. "Thank you for letting me stay."
"You're welcome sweetie." She closed the door part of the way and Sheldon turned his head to look at the blue goldfish in the bowl until his eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep.
xTBBTx
Leonard exited the elevator with a wide grin on his face. Las Vegas was great with its free drinks, three ninety five all you can eat shrimp and the lovely Michaela. He sighed wistfully. He'd have to get Howard and Raj a kickass Christmas and Hanukah present this year.
He unlocked his door just as Penny's door opened and Sheldon emerged.
"Thank goodness you're back!" the lanky physicist said.
"Why?"
Sheldon brushed past Leonard into the apartment. "We'll go over the proper procedure for leaving on overnight excursions. Needless to say first on the list should be ensuring that your roommate has keys to the apartment."
"Geez, sorry about that," said Leonard as he entered and set his overnight bag to the right of the door. "I thought you were here when I left."
"I was taking out the garbage before being accosted by Mrs. Hamilton and Mrs. Vartabedian." Sheldon took a can off the shelf and turned away from Leonard. There's a 'pop' and two paper snakes sprang out of the can.
"Well at least Penny was home," Leonard said, trying to be positive about the situation.
"As being at Penny's home entailed eating semi-macaroni and cheese, watching a deplorable 'chick flick' before settling between two blankets covered in Penny's sloughed skin cells your attempt at a silver lining fails dramatically," countered Sheldon.
"You could have spent it in the garbage room."
"Point." Sheldon put the can back on the shelf and proceeded to the side table to take the container of chocolate. "I swear Leonard my life has been a series of inconveniences the moment I acquired friends."
"Where are you going with the chocolates?" Leonard didn't mention the money in his roommate's hand since Sheldon was attempting unsuccessfully to be private as to its location.
"I'm paying Penny for her benefits," Sheldon explained as he headed across the hall. Leonard puzzled over this even as he made to stand in the doorway of their apartment.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
A moment and then a pink housecoated Penny opened the door. "Oh, hey, you're up."
"Obviously. Here." He handed her the money.
"What's this?"
"Fourteen hundred dollars."
Penny blanched. "Sheldon I can't—"
"We agreed to the loan last night. Pay me when you're able."
"Thanks Sheldon," she smiled.
"You're welcome." He held out the container. "Chocolate?"
"Thank you." She took one and popped it into her mouth. Sheldon smiled awkwardly and disappeared into his apartment.
"You do realize Sheldon gives you chocolate to reward you for doing things his way," Leonard said with a smirk.
"Yup, but it's free chocolate," she winked in response. "So how was Vegas?"
"What happens in Vegas…."
"You dog!" Leonard pumpkin grinned. "Good for you."
"Yeah, good for me." The neighbors smiled at each other before Leonard entered his apartment and closed the door.
"Leonard, I have to amend our showering arrangement," said Sheldon as he came down the hall holding a towel and bathrobe. "I'm invoking Section seven, the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations." Leonard couldn't help himself.
"How is a shower an emergency?" he asked innocently.
Sheldon pursed his lips. "We wouldn't be having this conversation if I had tangled with a skunk."
"You didn't tangle with a skunk, you slept at Penny's."
"Now you're quibbling." Sheldon turned on his heel and marched into the washroom.
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: Fighter Kite; Spock
Lyricsfreak: Highly Illogical