"This is Lois Lane, with an exclusive interview with our incumbent president, Lex Luthor. Tonight, Mr. Luthor will be addressing the rumors of his alleged involvement in the Injustice League, as well as discussing his opponent, the Joker, and what his surprising popularity among voters says about the state of American politics. Thank you for joining us tonight, Mr. President."
"It's a pleasure to be here, Lois," said Lex Luthor, nodding as he sat in a chair opposite her in the studio.
"I'll get right to the questions – I know you're an incredibly busy man," said Lois, rifling through some papers. "First of all, what do you think is the appeal of your opponent to the voters of this country?"
"Well Lois, I think he speaks to the worst in all of us," said Luthor. "We all have a bad side, and we all do things that are wrong from time to time. The Joker is giving people free reign to not only acknowledge that bad side, but celebrate it. He's the lowest common denominator, and that can be very appealing to people who think they don't have a voice, or are being ignored by those in positions of power. But I'd just like to reassure the American people that they do have a voice, and they are heard. They don't need to go to extreme measures, and they don't need to have that voice twisted into the incoherent ramblings of an insane clown. The Joker is treating both this election and the electorate as a joke. I don't."
"So you do acknowledge that the Joker has raised some legitimate concerns over the way you've steered this country the past four years?" asked Lois.
"If people do have concerns about that, I hope they feel that I'm not ignoring them," said Luthor. "I can't please everyone – no one can. But I can acknowledge the importance of everyone's voice, even the voices of dissent, and I do. If entrusted with the presidency a second time, the first thing my team and I are going to do is address the concerns raised by this election and find real solutions and real compromises to those problems, as opposed to the Joker's unrealistic promises to voters."
"You have a number of celebrity endorsements for your re-election campaign, including billionaire Bruce Wayne," continued Lois. "Do you think that will help or hinder your chances of re-election? If, as you say, the Joker's campaign is a populist movement which addresses the concerns of an electorate who feels that the political elite is out of touch with them, don't you think the endorsement of another billionaire industrialist might be the opposite of helpful?"
"Lois, I'm grateful for anyone who puts their faith in me, rich or poor," said Luthor. "Bruce has always been the best of the one percent, the kind who puts their vast wealth and resources to good use by helping the rest of the world. He's a good man, a decent man, and I'm honored to have his support. As well as the support of the victims of the Joker – as you know, I've appeared at rallies with my dear friend Barbara Gordon, who was shot and paralyzed by the Joker several years back. She is an incredibly inspiring woman who doesn't let her disability get in the way of her work for the police force, and who doesn't let bitterness and resentment at what happened to her influence her life at all. As a man who personally abhors violence, it's truly heartbreaking to see what the Joker's obsession with it has done to so many innocent lives and families."
"But according to the Joker, while you may personally abhor violence, you yourself have encouraged it by leading the Injustice League," continued Lois. "Would you care to comment on those allegations?"
"Lois, I don't know if you've ever come face to face with some of the most dangerous and mentally unstable supervillains in the world…" began Luthor.
"Yes, frequently," interrupted Lois. "Fortunately I have always been safely rescued by Superman, someone you've publicly condemned as an enemy of the American people."
"I understand that Superman has come through occasionally," retorted Luthor. "And naturally I'm relieved that he is always on hand to secure your life when it's in danger, Lois. But he and his superhero friends represent a huge problem for this country, a growing dependency on aliens and people born with special abilities to solve all our problems. I want the ordinary American people to take back control of this country from the superheroes, to be able to stand on their own two feet with pride and not lean on these elites like a crutch. And I stand by those statements."
"Is that why you involved yourself in the Injustice League?" asked Lois.
"Lois, please understand that I would never willingly lead or support a terrorist organization like the Injustice League," replied Luthor. "Any involvement I had with it was purely under duress and threats of violence…"
"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" chuckled a familiar voice suddenly. "Though not surprising from a politician, I suppose."
The camera panned over as the Joker strode onto the set, to gasps from the surrounding crew. "You're a politician now too, Joker, so you're just calling yourself a liar," snapped Luthor, trying to remain calm through his rage at Joker crashing the interview.
"Nah, I ain't a politician," said Joker, shaking his head. "I'm just a regular guy who loves his country and who's not afraid to speak his mind. And if people like that and wanna vote for me because of it, well, God bless 'em."
"Mr. Joker, you haven't been invited on this program…" began Lois.
"And I forgive you for that, sweetheart," he said, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to Luthor. "But I think in the interests of impartiality, you really should have invited me as well as Lexy to this. In a fair and balanced election, people deserve to hear both candidates speak, wouldn't you agree? From both parties, the donkey and the elephant one, though I'm honestly not sure which one I am. The donkey one's gotta be Lexy, though, because he's an ass."
"Do you seriously not know which political party you represent?!" demanded Luthor.
"No, but I know you'd still have your hair if you didn't get so worked up over trivial stuff like that," replied Joker. "You're obsessed with details, Lexy, that's your problem. You need to look at the bigger picture."
"This isn't a debate, Mr. Joker – it's a private interview," said Lois. "To discuss specific issues relating to Mr. Luthor…"
"Oh no, the Injustice League relates to both of us," interrupted Joker. "I mean, I was in it too, and I hold my hands up to that. I think it was my way of fighting back, though, because of the helplessness I felt as a voter whose concerns were largely ignored by an uncaring political elite. I'm sure people can't really blame me for following my conscience and choosing to defend my way of life. One thing that Mr. Luthor and I both agree on is the danger in these superhero types. My local one, Batman, is basically a fascist – he believes he knows what's best for the people of Gotham and shuts down all opposition through violence and incarceration. Many of the so-called supercriminals in Arkham are basically political prisoners of the Bat tyrant, people who have differences of opinion to him and fight against his authoritarian regime, which he won't tolerate. My Vice President's best friend, Pamela Isley, is an environmental activist who believes it's wrong to stand by and let the greedy and the wealthy destroy this planet for future generations. The Batman disagrees, so he beats her up and imprisons her in a lunatic asylum. My friend Harvey Dent was the District Attorney of Gotham City, but he was disfigured as the result of the Batman's meddling, and now he's silenced and also locked up in a lunatic asylum. I joined the Injustice League to fight against injustices like that. That's what the name means, you see, not that we're for injustice, but that we're fighting against it by calling out the Justice League for what they truly are. I mean, what kinda ridiculous dictators would actually call themselves the Justice League, as if they and they alone can understand and mandate justice? It's authoritarianism of the worst kind, Lois, and while I'm older and wiser now, and seek peaceful solutions to problems, in my younger days, I don't think I can be blamed for seeking more extreme ones."
Luthor stared at Joker. It was actually an incredibly intelligent defense, much better than his involuntary leader excuse, which in comparison made him look weak and powerless. He only wished he had thought of the freedom fighter angle first...
"And Mr. Luthor, you say you were forced into leading this organization?" asked Lois.
"Well…forced in the sense that…my moral compass forced me because of similar principles…" began Luthor, slowly.
"But you just said you were threatened with violence…" began Lois.
"Yes…the violence of...being torn apart by a warring conscience," invented Luthor.
"Aw, watch how he flip flops on things he said not five minutes ago!" chuckled Joker. "He just can't help himself! It's an irresistible compulsion for political types – like a moth to a flame!"
"Joker, I'd like a word in private," said Luthor, standing up suddenly. "You don't mind if we pause the interview, do you, Lois?"
"Um…what am I supposed to do with dead air?" asked Lois.
"Why don't you see if Superman's around?" asked Luthor. "If he isn't, maybe start heading toward that window and look like you're about to fall through it – I'm sure he'll show up the moment you appear to be in danger. Excuse me," he said, grabbing Joker's arm and dragging him out of the studio and into the hallway.
"Listen to me!" Luthor hissed, slamming him against the wall. "You're going to stop all this election foolishness right now, or I'll make you pay!"
"Is that a politician promise, or a real promise?" chuckled Joker.
"A real promise!" hissed Luthor. "You're not an idiot, Joker – you know I'm a dangerous man. If you don't withdraw from this thing gracefully, I will make your life a living hell! You might think you're untouchable, but I have friends in high places who will be watching your every move. You won't be safe, your associates won't be safe, your girlfriend won't be safe. If I snap my fingers, I'll have someone do to her what you did to that do-gooder brat Barbara Gordon, and I will if you don't stop this ridiculous joke of a campaign right now!"
"Geez, threatening to cripple my girlfriend is pretty low, Lexy," said Joker. "And I thought you were meant to be taking the high road and running a nice, clean campaign. I mean, what about all that stuff you said about listening to the ignored voices of the electorate…"
"The electorate are a bunch of morons!" snapped Luthor. "They'd have to be, to be supporting a clown like you! How can anybody respect a group of people who would endorse your joke of a candidacy, let alone want to listen to their stupid voices?! I know what's best for this country because I have a brain, unlike the idiot population of America! And if you think you can unite the pathetic rabble against me, me, Lex Luthor, the best thing that's ever happened to this country, then you're even crazier than I know you to be! The people of this country are too dumb to know what they want, or what their own interests are – they need me to protect them, to tell them what to think and what to do, because they're all a bunch of sheep! Sheep who are too stupid to recognize the wolf in sheep's clothing that you are! So stay the hell out of my way, or I'll have the entire Injustice League out for a bounty on your head!"
"Ok, Lexy, got the message," said Joker, nodding. "Loud and clear. And I have just one thing to say to you in response."
"What?" demanded Luthor.
"Your microphone is on," said Joker, grinning at him.
Luthor gaped at him. "What?" he gasped.
"Your microphone is on," repeated Joker, nodding at the microphone clipped to Luthor's lapel. "Everyone in the studio just heard everything you said. And by extension, everyone watching the TV…"
Luthor's eyes flicked to the television in the hallway, which was now broadcasting the headline, "Luthor threatens opponent – insults electorate in shocking recorded footage."
"Lex, we need to go," said Mercy, appearing suddenly and racing down the hall. "We have to get you out of here now, before this all blows up."
Luthor stared from the TV to Joker, who was still grinning smugly at him. "You…" Luthor gasped. "You…I'll kill you!" he roared, throttling him as Joker began laughing hysterically.
"Lex, there's no time!" shouted Mercy, ripping him away. "The journalists are already swarming toward this place, and the angry mob will be next!"
"See ya around, Lexy!" chuckled Joker, as Mercy dragged Luthor off toward his car. "That's what you get for messing with the Joker! Or as he'll soon be known, President Joker of the United States of America!"
Hysterical laughter followed this statement. Hysterical, triumphant laughter.