Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Killer Robot Instability'; 'The Classified Materials Turbulence'; 'The Pants Alternative'
xTBBTx
Leonard was relaxing in his stuffed chair watching Voyageur on the SyFy channel when Sheldon came down the hall wearing his bus pants and carrying his windbreaker.
"Where ya going?" Leonard asked.
"To Kurt's place," replied Sheldon as he slipped on his shoes.
"Who's Kurt?"
"Penny's ex-boyfriend."
Immediately Leonard muted the show and focused on his roommate.
"Wanna catch me up here?" he said.
"Penny's ex-boyfriend borrowed a sum of money from her and has refused to give it back."
"And you think he's just going to give it to you?"
Sheldon tied his shoes. "I managed to secure Penny's television in our first exchange."
"That's amenable of him."
"Well to be fair he was on the verge of assaulting me the second time we met. Fortunately Penny arrived to halt the altercation."
The short physicist turned off the television. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Leonard, Penny is my friend and is in desperate need of money." Sheldon put on his jacket and grabbed his keys from the bowl. "As much as I'd love to extend this conversation I have a series of buses to catch. I have to be at Kurt's before eight pm as security typically needs to arrive at a bar around nine."
"Wait, you mean Kurt's a bouncer?" gasped Leonard.
"Yes. Goodbye." Sheldon opened the door.
"Wait!" Leonard got off the chair. "Let me drive you."
"That would be appreciated," said Sheldon.
Leonard slipped on his shoes and the two men left the apartment.
XxX
"So what's the plan?" asked Leonard as Sheldon and he walked towards Kurt's door.
"It's not complicated. Either we get the money from Kurt or else he signs the promissory note I drafted," replied Sheldon as he patted his jacket pocket.
"What if he opts for option three?"
"What option three?" Sheldon questioned.
He pounds us into the ground. "Kurt doesn't answer the door."
Sheldon shook his head derisively. "Of course he'll answer the door. He's socially obligated to answer when someone knocks." Leonard gave a little sigh but said nothing.
They arrived at the door and Sheldon made to knock before turning to Leonard.
"Stand a little to my right so he can see I've got backup," he said with a bit of a nervous twang.
"Oh yeah, I'm the 'muscle'," Leonard snorted.
"Actually with your limited upper body strength you'd function better as a decoy," said Sheldon before turning to the door.
Knock Knock Knock "Kurt."
Knock Knock Knock "Kurt."
Knock Knock Knock "Kurt."
The door opened and Leonard's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he took in what had to be the most muscular human being he'd ever seen outside of an action flick or the wrestling ring.
"What the hell do you want?" growled Kurt.
Sheldon stood straight. "It's not a question of what I want rather than what you have."
"Perhaps now isn't the time to quibble about semantics," Leonard said nervously.
"Point," said Sheldon. "Kurt, Penny had loaned you fourteen hundred dollars so you could pay off your tickets and avoid jail. She's now in need of said money and wants it returned."
Kurt folded his meaty arms across his massive chest. "So why isn't Penny here asking?"
"She shouldn't have to be asking, here or otherwise," Sheldon replied, sidestepping the question. "It's your obligation for you to rectify."
"And what if I decide to wreck something else?" the bouncer said menacingly. Leonard, for his part, took a step back but to his credit remained at the scene.
"As long as what you destroy belongs solely to you what you choose to do is your prerogative," Sheldon replied evenly although he did begin calculating how fast he'd have to run in order to outdistance Leonard down the hall. "Now, you have three choices: pay me now, sign a promissory note or else face litigation in small claims court."
"Why it is every time we meet you seem to be threatening me with the cops?" Kurt said icily.
"Perhaps it's because you seem to lack the reason to figure out the difference between legal and illegal acts."
Leonard winced. "Sheldon…."
Kurt unfolded his arms and the motion caused both Leonard and Sheldon to flinch.
"Well I don't have the cash on me," the bouncer said.
"The acknowledgement of the debt will suffice," said Sheldon as he pulled out the folded paper and a pen from his pocket. "It details your commitment to pay back the loan within sixty days unless you make some other arrangement with Penny. Failure to do so will result in litigation."
Kurt took the proffered document and scanned its contents.
"I could sign this or tell you to piss off," he concluded.
"I assure you we'll meet again in court," Sheldon said stiffly.
"This is Penny's problem." Kurt narrowed his eyes. "Quit making it yours or else I'll give you a problem."
"And I'll give the judge a deposition detailing your threatening behavior."
"Sheldon…." Leonard whined.
"Leonard, the man and I are conversing. Now as I was saying—"
A smirk came to Kurt's face. "Before I sign this I want something."
"Well I won't pay you money in order to collect money if that's what you're suggesting," tsked Sheldon.
"I want your pants."
Sheldon was confused. "But they won't fit you."
"Yeah but I kinda like them."
"My mother bought them for me."
"Aww, isn't she sweet," Kurt said. "Your pants or else you can forget about this."
"Well, we tried," said Leonard, relieved that this nightmare was about to end.
Sheldon glared at Kurt before he undid his belt.
"What are you doing?" gasped Leonard to his roommate.
"This isn't my first pantsing and will most likely not be my last," muttered Sheldon as he slid out his belt and coiled it.
"But this is insane!"
"No, insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly hoping for a different result. Giving Kurt my pants is giving me the desired result so it isn't 'insane'." Sheldon emptied the contents of his pockets into his coat before dropping his pants to the floor and revealing another pair of pants. "Besides, my mother had me tested." He freed his feet, picked up his pants and proceeded to fold them. "My apparel."
Kurt took them with an amazed look on his face. Sheldon held out the pen and Kurt signed the note.
"As a notary public rest assured I'll formally file this document."
"Whatever." Kurt handed back the note and closed the door, leaving Sheldon and Leonard in the hall.
"He didn't give me back my pen," said Sheldon after a moment.
Before he could knock Leonard grabbed him by the arm and began dragging him down the hall.
"I'll get you a new one," the shorter physicist said adamantly.
XxX
"You never told me you were a notary public," Leonard said to Sheldon as the two men rode the elevator to their floor.
"Having the ability to draw up legal contracts as needed was a childhood dream of mine," the lanky physicist replied.
"I never could have guessed," smiled Leonard as he thought over the Roommate Agreement.
"Your limited powers of observation have been noted."
"As has your inability to detect sarcasm."
"Fair enough." The shorter man bit his lip to keep from smiling.
The elevator doors opened just as Penny and Stuart were exiting her apartment.
"Hey guys," she said amiably. "What's new?"
"My bus pants," said Sheldon as he held up a shopping bag from Sears.
"Something happen to the old ones?"
"Yes. They were"—his mouth twitched—"soiled beyond repair."
"Well if you want I've got some Stain Away in my apartment," Penny offered.
"That's alright." Sheldon's right eye blinked rapidly. "It also has a tear."
"Oh. Well this girl I know at the Cheesecake Factory is a sewer. She hems my dresses so I'm sure she could fix your pants."
"She could…." Sheldon stammered, his anxiety making his arms twitch and hands clench and unclench. His blinking became pronounced as was the twitching of his mouth.
Leonard noted his roommate's distress. "There was a sale at Sears and Sheldon thought it easier to buy a new pair than fix the old ones," he explained.
"Yeah, I guess it is," said an unconvinced Penny.
"Penny, we're going to be late for the movie," Stuart said gently. "Unless you're waiting for the lights to go down so no one will see you with me at the theater."
Penny's mouth dropped. "Oh my God no, Stuart." She tucked her arm through his and dragged him into the elevator.
"Have fun," Leonard said amiably as the doors closed. He let out a big breath and turned to unlock the apartment door. "What a night."
Sheldon stepped past him into the apartment, slipped off his shoes and sprayed his sock feet. He then marched to the hall before stopping and turning around.
"Leonard, I'm sorry for involving you in this near debacle," he said evenly. "We could have been hospitalized."
"It's okay. I kind of feel like your minstrel," Leonard grinned.
Sheldon shook his head. "I have no idea what's gotten into me. Perhaps I should schedule a physical," he muttered to himself as he disappeared around the corner.
Leonard got himself a bottled water from the refrigerator and made to follow his roommate when a thought stopped him. He went to Sheldon's whiteboard, took up a marker and, after gathering what he was thinking, began to draw out a flow chart of his own.
XxX
"Sorry about the movie," Stuart apologized between forkfuls of linguini.
"No, it's my fault. I took too long getting ready," Penny replied. "Besides, this is a nice place." It was a simple hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant but it was homey with the red bricked walls, soft lighting and music.
"Yeah, I found it when I was tired of home cooking aka 'eating from a can' and wanted something that wouldn't break the bank." Penny laughed.
"Well as my bank's broken I appreciate it. The fettuccine is awesome. I don't know what I'd do without pasta."
"At this point I don't think my metabolism can process unrefined foods anymore," quipped Stuart. "I guess I'm living my parents' premonition of being a starving artist."
Penny's finger traced the rim of her wine glass. "Yeah, my folks weren't impressed about my leaving the farm to come out here to act."
"How's that going?"
"Well I was in a one night review of Rent. Probably set my career back two years and considering I don't have a career right now means I'm up the creek," she said wryly.
"Don't worry about it. You're attractive and personable. Believe me when I say that a lot of women don't combine the two," Stuart said kindly before taking a bite of his pasta.
"Thanks," she said and took a sip of the house wine. It was a cheap but zingy beast that fit the pasta perfectly. "Still not everything's doom and gloom for us. My agent's still scouring the countryside for gigs and you own your own business."
"And several loans to Bank of America."
"But you love it," she pressed.
"I live in a one room apartment with a stray cat."
"Yeah, but you haven't closed your shop."
"It gives me somewhere to stay where I won't be ticketed for loitering." Stuart caught her 'yeah right' smirk and gave a small one of his own in return.
Penny took a bite of her fettuccine. "So what was your plan after leaving art school?"
"Become a comic book artist. I wanted to be like Jim Lee or Todd McFarlane and spend my time drawing and being paid to attend comic book conventions." Stuart shrugged. "Instead I sell their comics and wait in line for their signatures."
"I constantly read magazines with actors on the cover so I can imagine living in their mansions and attending the Oscars and meeting other actors."
"You could introduce me to Hugh Jackman and Famke Jannsen."
"Why them?"
"They were in the X-Men movie franchise."
"I notice there's been a lot of comic book movies," said Penny. "It's amazing how much money they make."
"Comic books are lucrative," explained Stuart. "More wine?" he asked as he picked up the bottle to top off his glass.
"Thanks." She watched him pour. "But comics are for kids and guys who never grew up."
"Not true," Stuart countered adamantly. "Neil Gamain's Sandman number nineteen won a Nebula award for best fantasy short story and that beat out traditional books."
"Huh." Penny thought back to what she had read while waiting in line to get Sheldon's comic signed. "Sounds a lot different than the stuff Stan Lee was writing with Spider-Man."
"Stan Lee's responsible for the beginnings of the modern Marvel Universe. He brought angst and down to earth qualities to the hero. Peter Parker was refreshing because he was a nerdy high school science geek who had doubts and personal tragedy but he never let that stop him from becoming the hero he became." At once Stuart seemed to sit taller in his chair. "With great power comes great responsibility."
"All that from a comic book? No wonder Sheldon reads them."
Here Stuart smiled. "Sheldon's an interesting man. About one lab accident away from being a supervillain." Penny laughed. "Don't laugh, it's amazing how many supervillains hold doctoral degrees."
"Believe me after seeing Sheldon without a job for a few weeks I can totally see the mad scientist shtick working for him," she said with a grin.
"He may harbor plans for world domination but he's a damn good customer—and he brought you into my store." Stuart's gaze went to her eyes. "None of this would be happening without Sheldon."
"Yeah," Penny said and took a large gulp of wine.
XxX
Sheldon came down the hall with a hankering for chamomile tea. His temperature was normal as was his bowel movement and yet he seemed out of sorts: his abdominal muscles kept contracting giving him an uncomfortable feeling and his mind seemed particularly muddled as he kept replaying meeting Penny and Stuart in the hall.
He went to the kitchen and filled the kettle with water and set it to heat on the stove. Another thought, this time of Kurt filling the doorframe with his bulk, and the physicist shook his head. This was twice he'd risked himself physically for Penny. Normally Sheldon considered himself a cautious sort but it seemed that friendship left him open to harm.
"I'm surprised having friends doesn't increase one's personal insurance rates," he muttered while getting out the loose tea and caddy. As he placed them on the counter it dawned on him that there was a whole mess of something scrawled on his whiteboard.
Frowning, Sheldon came around the counter and took a look at the flowchart Leonard had drawn:
'Penny' it was titled and in the first box was: 'Do you know her? Y or N?'
"Yes," said Sheldon and looked at the next box.
'Is she in your friend group? Y or N?'
"Yes."
'Do you talk with each other? Y or N?'
"Of course."
'Would it be weird to ask her what she's doing later this week/weekend? Y or N?'
"No." Sheldon's eyes followed the arrow to the last big box.
'ASK PENNY OUT'
Sheldon's stomach did a flip as he mulled.
"Out where? The train store?" he said at last. With a shake of the head he took his eraser and cleaned the board.
XxX
The front seat of the little hatchback was a mess of two bodies smushed together with the sounds of kissing and minor groans overwhelming the light jazz coming over the car radio.
"Penny," gasped Stuart between kisses.
"Shh," she said as her nails raked across the back of his neck. She wasn't exactly sure what she was doing; all she knew was that she needed to concentrate. It had been a while since she'd been intimate with anyone and Penny was convinced she was going crazy. It had even gotten to the point where she began thinking about—
"Of course the whole topic is moot since I'll never be pair-bonded."
Normally she'd have her groove on with Gwen and cruise the bars but instead she spent her time at 4A watching movies and eating dinner almost as if she were dating—
"If she was in any way like Spock she'd know that a romantic relationship is an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships."
Stuart's lips went to Penny's neck and kissed their way to her shoulder.
"Penny," he sighed again.
"Sheldon," came her breathy reply.
Immediately the pair froze before Stuart leaned back to take in Penny's 'o' mouth and wide eyes.
"Well at least you didn't say you were a dude," he said after a moment.
"Yeah," she said, still in shock. "All girl here."
Stuart settled himself in the driver's seat and started the car.
"I'd best get you home since I've got a long night ahead of me finding a rock to hide under," he said in his usual self-deprecating tone.
"I'm sorry, Stuart. I just—I mean I don't know what the hell I was saying," Penny stammered.
"Don't worry about it." He put on his seatbelt and set the car in motion. "A lot of people get Stuart and Sheldon mixed up. I mean they both begin with 's'. What up with that?" he said lightly, hoping to take the awkwardness from the scene.
Penny gave a pained smile and put on her seatbelt.
xTBBTx
This is a nightmare. Howard flumped back on the couch and closed his eyes.
"You look flushed," Raj said to his friend.
"Ha ha," the engineer said with a sneer. "It isn't your career swirling down the toilet."
Sheldon looked up from the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System which sat where his coffee table had been.
"Unlikely Howard."
Howard cocked his head in surprise. "Why thank you, Sheldon."
"This baby couldn't keep anything down," the physicist said evenly as he got to his feet. "That's sarcasm."
"Yeah, I got it," growled Howard.
Raj clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Don't give up, dude."
"Perhaps we could prop up the 'Y' joint with the two inch PVC tubing," offered Sheldon.
"It'd work for basic poops but it'd be one bad cramp away from disaster," countered Howard.
Leonard came down the hall talking on his phone.
"No, I'm not putting this off. … Of course I want you to come. … No I'm not exhibiting compliant submissive behavior just to please you."
"Ah, must be his mother," said Sheldon with a smile. "What a remarkable woman."
"You've met her?" asked Raj as he took a slice of pizza from the box.
"We correspond via email and have Skyped several times. She's a psychiatrist and neuroscientist so naturally she's intrigued by my superior brain."
Raj snorted. "Better watch it or she'll slice it up so she can look at it under the microscope."
"Who wouldn't want to?" replied Sheldon.
"Right about now it'd be nice if you could use your brain and help me with this," sighed Howard as he sat up and stared at his space toilet.
Leonard rolled his eyes. "Yes, mother. … You can stay in my room. … No, this isn't me trying to rekindle mother-infant bonding. I'll sleep on the couch. … Very well. Goodbye mother." He hung up and gave a deep sigh before tucking the phone in his jacket pocket.
"So how's mommy dearest?" asked Raj.
"Emotionally damaging as always," replied Leonard as he came over and slumped into his stuffed chair. "She has a conference in L.A. so she thought she'd stay here for the weekend."
Sheldon beamed. "Why that'd be delightful."
"Yeah," Leonard said in a less than enthusiastic tone. "It won't be until the eighteenth so we've got time to organize the place and buy lots of aspirin and antacids."
At this Sheldon was appalled. "You're not anticipating your mother bringing some type of pathogen into the apartment are you?"
"Depends. Does a cloak of despair and self-loathing count?"
"Speaking of despair," prompted Howard.
"What if we just ran another line to bypass the junction?" offered Raj.
"It won't work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient," said Sheldon.
"It'll be the first time mother's staying at my apartment," mused Leonard. "I mean it isn't like I never offered before." He glanced at his roommate. "Maybe it isn't me she wants to see. Maybe it's you."
"Of course she wants to see me," murmured Sheldon absently as he stared at the limited pool of parts available to fix the toilet. "Who wouldn't?"
"Anyone sane?" said Raj garnering a glare. "What if we reposition the collection tank?"
"There's no way to mount it," sighed Howard.
"I was never good enough for her," Leonard blurted. "Always the 'needy baby, greedy baby' when all I ever wanted was for her to say she loved me and mean it." He looked up to see his friends staring at him.
"I stand corrected, Howard," said Sheldon. "If Leonard can seemingly function as damaged as he is we can surely fix your toilet."
The engineer snapped his fingers. "Hang on. Help me see if we can wedge a little piece of PVC behind the support rod."
Sheldon shook his head. "I don't recommend—"
"Sheldon, I have a Masters degree in engineering. Cut me some slack, will you? Now hold this up."
"Alright." Sheldon and Raj went to either side of the toilet and rocked it forward. "Although I'd like to point out that it's your Masters degree that's brought you—"
"Not now, Sheldon," said Leonard.
"You know, I realize this is Howard's career on the line but otherwise this is fun," gushed Raj with a grin. "We should get together and build something."
Leonard perked up. "Actually the Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational's coming up. Why not build a robot for that?"
"Okay, set it down," said Howard and Raj and Sheldon eased the toilet back in place. "See? It held."
"For now," Sheldon said dubiously.
"All I need is for it to last six months and I'm in the clear," said Howard happily. "I send up the replacement parts and voila, all is good in the world." He unwrapped his mother's meatloaf and dropped it in the toilet and flushed. There was a pause as it worked before the meatloaf launched to the ceiling.
"Maybe we should enter the space toilet into the competition," Raj chuckled.
"This is a strike," Sheldon said as he stared at his ceiling.
xTBBTx
The elevator doors opened and Penny stepped out carrying her empty laundry basket. Thanks to an overly expressive one year old with a spoonful of spaghetti sauce Penny's uniform was a disaster and in need of immediate SOS as soon as she got home from work.
She noted that the door to 4A was open and she quickly averted her eyes so she wouldn't attract attention.
"Penny!" Leonard called.
Damn. She ventured over with a plastered smile to see the gang working away at some kind of robotic thing-a-ma-jig.
"What's that?" she asked.
"'That' is a Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator," sniffed Sheldon as he sat in his spot reading over the schematic.
"A what?"
"We call him M.O.N.T.E.," Leonard clarified.
"'Him', huh?" smirked Penny. "Wasn't there something in the lease about not creating new life forms in the apartment?"
"Of course not," said Sheldon. "Otherwise fornication would be forbidden."
"You can always have sex with contraceptives, Sheldon," amended Howard.
Sheldon snorted. "But what would be the point?" He returned to the schematic, ignorant of the gawking in his direction.
"Anyways," Leonard said with a shake of the head. "We were going to order Indian food and wanted to know if you'd like some."
"Umm no thanks," said Penny. Sheldon turned towards his neighbor.
"I can pay for your meal as thanks for letting me stay at your apartment," he said.
"You don't have to," she replied. "I mean we're friends, right? It was my pleasure."
"Nevertheless I'd like to reciprocate to maintain our neutrality."
"Yeah, but look how busy you are," Penny said with mock enthusiasm. "I'd hate to interrupt."
"We have to stop working to eat."
"Eyah." She looked at her friend's earnest face. It wasn't his fault she said his name in Stuart's car. It was the two bottles of wine—and that's the story she was going to stick with. "Sure. Okay."
"Penny a single positive acknowledgement will suffice." Sheldon went back to his schematic. "What would you like?"
"Something vegetarian but otherwise surprise me."
"Given my unfamiliarity with your gastric system I'm loathe to arbitrarily choose an item."
"Just get something extra for me and add it to the communal pot," Penny sighed.
"'Communal pot'. What do you think this is, a hippy gathering?" snorted the lanky physicist.
Penny blanched. "I just assumed we'd be sharing, y'know, since we're all friends and have to eat together." Sheldon made to speak. "Of course we can have individual dishes, too. I mean why not? It's not like any of us are together or anything so we can eat however we wish, right? Right." She gave an awkward smile and left.
"That was odd," said Leonard.
"What, that Sheldon bought her dinner or that he pleasured her in her own apartment?" quipped Howard.
"It was hardly a pleasant situation," tsked Sheldon. "Out of desperation I was forced to eat a poor excuse for macaroni and cheese and sleep in a contaminated bed."
"It's all in how you choose to see things, Sheldon," replied the engineer. "For instance, if I were you I'd say that Penny offered me something I couldn't refuse and ended up in her bed."
Sheldon cocked his head. "I believe I just said that."
"You did—but you so didn't, dude," Raj said as he shook his head.
"I don't follow."
Howard snorted. "That's hardly a surprise."
"Howard," warned Leonard with a slight frown.
"What? It's not like Sheldon has a deal."
"I object," replied Sheldon. "I have several deals, the Roommate Agreement for example."
"No, I mean you don't have a sexual deal," Howard clarified. Sheldon wrinkled his nose.
"A deal is made between two or more parties for their mutual benefit. I fail to see how close contact with sweat, saliva and other bodily secretions is in any way beneficial to me. If anything it's asking for a pathogen."
"Well as I have a deal and Penny has a deal maybe we should play together," said Howard with an eyebrow wiggle.
"She's not interested," Leonard said flatly.
"No, she said she's not interested in you. I'm offering her the good thing found in small packages."
Sheldon sat back and processed the banter.
"Which can be anything from a breath mint to an antacid," said Raj. "Penny's a lady. Quit making her sound like a quick lay."
The East Texan looked inquiringly at the engineer. "You're wishing to engage in coitus with Penny?"
"Well, yeah," gushed Howard.
"You're not her type," Sheldon said evenly.
"Like you're an expert."
"Granted I haven't had access to Penny's complete sexual history but from my observation you are eight inches too short and from a muscular perspective about fifty to eighty pounds too light."
Howard grimaced. "Yeah, you're right. Penny's just out of our league."
"Explain," Sheldon said sharply. "She's a waitress with a community college education and an as-yet to be seen acting 'career'. How in any world would she be out of my league?"
"Well, for one thing, she's hot and you look like a praying mantis," said Howard. "Two, she's hot and you're a geek who likes trains and comic books." He held up a third finger. "And three, she's hot and you don't have a deal."
"Penny and I have a definite deal," growled Sheldon as he stood up. "She's my paintball and Halo partner and my friend, qualities that extend far beyond her comeliness."
"'Comeliness'," gushed Howard. "Why Sheldon, maybe I was a little quick to dismiss your deal."
Sheldon shook his head derisively. "Now you're just being ridiculous. Can we return our focus to something relevant and figure out how many servos we're going to need?" He went to the refrigerator for a bottled water.
Howard turned to Leonard and raised an inquiring eyebrow. The physicist shrugged.
XxX
What the hell, Pen? The Nebraskan flumped down on her couch and ran her hands down her flushed cheeks. Sheldon was her neighbor, a beautiful mind guy who drove her crazy with his routines and 'Soft Kitty'. She pursed her lips. There was no way she'd let a night of drinking and one misplaced word mess up their friendship. No one was teasing her about it so she knew Stuart had kept quiet. Penny sighed. Just pretend it never happ—
The phone rang and she picked it up from the coffee table and answered.
"Hello? .. Hey Gwen. …I have no idea. … I don't want to talk to him. …Okay put him on. … So, Kurt, Gwen says you have some money for me? … Damn right you should have paid me. So what brought on the change of heart? … Really? … Well you were a jerk. … Thank you. … I've got some stuff to finish but yeah, I can meet you. … Sounds good. … Okay, bye."
Penny hung up and thoughtfully tapped the phone against her chin.
Wonder what brought that on? Still, she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"Maybe my luck's changing," she smiled.
xTBBTx
Penny knocked twice before opening the door to 4A. Since she visited daily for her early cup of joe the physicists unlocked their door as a part of their morning routine.
"Coffee?" she said sweetly.
"The café is open," replied Leonard with a smile.
After spraying her feet Penny walked over to Sheldon's spot and gave him a gigantic pumpkin grin.
"Hi Sheldon," she said in a chipper tone.
"Good morning, Penny," he said cautiously. "Is there a particular reason why you're emulating the Joker?"
"I've got something for you."
At once he brought his cereal bowl to his chest.
"Don't punch me," he said quickly.
Penny looked at him strangely. "Why would I punch you?"
"As children my sister would often say she had 'something' for me and then punch me. I wasn't sure if you were enacting the childhood paradigm."
"I'm not going to punch you," Penny sighed.
"Watch it, he'll take that as an absolute," warned Leonard before taking a sip of coffee.
"I'm not going to punch you—at this time," she clarified. "Now hold out your hand."
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "You don't have dog feces do you?"
"Sheldon!"
Without another word he held out his hand. The Nebraskan dug into her housecoat's pocket and pulled out a wad of money and set it in his palm.
"Fourteen hundred dollars for you," she said happily. "Thanks so much."
"You're welcome," Sheldon said, his mind whirring. "If I may enquire, how did you come into this windfall?"
"It was the freakiest thing: Kurt called out of nowhere and said he was sorry about acting like a jerk about the tv. Then he said he wanted to make it up to me and had the money he borrowed from me."
"That was fortuitous," Sheldon said neutrally.
"Yeah," said Penny as she went to the counter for her coffee. "It was really different talking with him, like he's really changed." Sheldon and Leonard exchanged looks as the latter poured Penny's coffee. "I dunno, we'll see what's what this Friday."
"Friday?" prompted Leonard.
"Kurt asked me out to dinner," Penny said as she poured Sheldon's milk into her mug, oblivious to the silence of the apartment. "I know, call me stupid but I think he's really changed."
"You're stupid," Sheldon said firmly, dropping Penny's jaw.
"And just how would you know?"
"If you haven't forgotten I'm acquainted with your ex-boyfriend," he said stiffly as he got up from the couch and proceeded to the sink with his cereal bowl and juice glass.
"Yeah, he knows he was a jerk," explained Penny. "But we have history so I've gotta see for myself what his deal is, y'know?"
Sheldon washed his dishes and put them in the drying rack.
"So you're going to engage in coitus?" he said evenly.
"In what?"
"I'm sure they're not going to have sex, Sheldon," Leonard said soothingly.
"Of course we're not having sex," growled Penny. "Holy crap we're just having dinner."
"I see." The lanky physicist took a paper towel and dried his hands. "Another enquiry: explain to me how you think Kurt is possible of 'change' when his previous actions have been self-serving and aggressive?"
"I dunno. Maybe he found religion or something." She took a sip of coffee.
"Or perhaps he had someone explain the legal ramifications of his failure to repay a loan."
Leonard winced.
Penny was livid. "You went to Kurt?!"
Sheldon nodded. "As you were in need of capital and Kurt owed you—"
"I don't believe you! What, you don't think I can fight my own battles?"
"I don't understand your reaction," Sheldon countered. "You were happy to get your money back. Why should it matter if I was involved?"
That stopped Penny.
"I dunno," she said in a lower voice. She regarded her neighbor as he stared back with inquiring blue eyes. Stuart's lips on her neck and all she could think of was— "Maybe I was hoping to make up with Kurt."
At once Sheldon's back straightened.
"I hadn't anticipated that response," he said at last.
To Leonard there was a palpable silence he could cut with an ax just a millisecond before Penny replied.
"It's just that since we broke up nothing's gone right for me. No acting jobs—"
"You were in the Rent review," Sheldon amended.
"Okay, no real acting jobs. I'm still at the Cheesecake Factory. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs—"
"You met me," the lanky physicist said evenly.
Lips on her neck and— "Yeah I did," Penny said.
"While I'm inexperienced I like to think I've been an exemplary friend."
"You have," she said with the beginnings of a blush on her face. I've been the Big Ol' Five, not you.
"Then as your friend I'm advising you that Kurt has not changed and that it's not a good idea to dine with him," the physicist said firmly.
Penny shrugged. "Maybe I've got to see it for myself, y'know? 'I'm from Missouri' and all that."
"I don't have to see a graviton to know it exists," countered Sheldon. "And you're from Nebraska so your point is moot."
"Sheldon, just let me do this, okay?" Penny sighed.
"Alright," he replied through pursed lips. "But I reserve the right to utilize the phrase 'I told you so'." He skirted by the waitress and went to the washroom.
"Thank you Doctor Doom," she called after him.
"That's cool," said Leonard. "I didn't know you knew who Doctor Doom was."
"What are you talking about?" Penny said in a grumpy tone.
"Uh, never mind," Leonard blushed and took a sip of coffee.
XxX
Leonard swallowed his forkful of bean salad.
"Okay, Sheldon's been acting weird all morning so leave him be," he warned Raj and Howard.
"What, is he acting humble and friendly?" quipped the engineer as he peppered his corn.
"Howard, I'm serious. He was really upset."
"So what's got him so uptight?" asked Raj. "Did you alter the settings on the tv again?"
"No." Leonard munched on his salad. "Penny got money back from her ex-boyfriend who's now taking her out to dinner."
The astrophysicist was puzzled. "So? Why would Sheldon be up…set…." His eyes widened. "No way!"
"You mean Shelbot has a thing for Penny?" chuckled Howard.
"I think so," said Leonard.
"Well it makes sense given his weirdness the other night," said Howard. "Of course there's the all important question: does Sheldon know he likes her?" Leonard shrugged.
"I left him a flowchart outlining his relationship with her but there's been no acknowledgment beyond giving me a strike for 'doodling on his board'."
"What about Penny?" asked Raj.
"Well she is going out with her ex," Howard pointed out.
"Poor Sheldon. She's going to break his heart," sighed the astrophysicist.
"He might not notice," grinned Howard.
Leonard spotted his roommate coming to the table. "Shh! Sheldon."
"Insolence," growled Sheldon as he sat next to Leonard.
"What?" the bespectacled physicist said guiltily.
"Kripke," Sheldon spat. "He heard about our entry into the Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational and bragged that his creation could 'kick the crap' out of M.O.N.T.E."
"He hasn't seen our capabilities," chuckled Howard. "He'll be in for a surprise."
"Yes, and we'll be better prepared since unlike Kripke we didn't put our robot on YouTube."
"On it," said the engineer as he pulled out his phone.
"I think we should paint M.O.N.T.E royal purple to show his superiority over all other machines," said Raj.
"Or we could not," replied Leonard.
"Holy crap!" Howard held up his phone for the others to see. "'Robot takes out car'!"
They watched in silence as the 'Kwipke Kwippler' systematically took out the Buick.
"He didn't build a robot he built the Terminator," breathed Raj. Sheldon snorted.
"Who cares if it's bigger, stronger and better equipped? It takes a brain to run a robot and I'm infinitely more able than that so-called 'roboteer'." Sheldon began cleaning his fingers with a napkin. "Why Kripke even had the nerve to suggest we have a private dual to solve our differences before the tournament."
"Which you turned down of course," Leonard said forcefully. Sheldon looked to his roommate.
"Leonard, why would I feel the need to prove myself?"
Just then Kripke came up to the table.
"Hey Coopah," he said. "See you Fwiday, wooser. Five o'cwock in the pawticaw physics wab. Pwepawe to die." He walked off chuckling to himself.
"Well that was rude," said Sheldon, who then noticed the accusing stares of his friends. "He was talking smack about M.O.N.T.E.," he said defensively.
Howard turned to Leonard.
"I think I see the fatal flaw in M.O.N.T.E.'s programming—he's being driven by HAL," he said seriously.
Sheldon scowled at the engineer before taking an aggressive bite of his sandwich.
xTBBTx
A/N: Thedatereportcom: Should I date him flowchart