"The election results are coming in tonight, and judging from the polls, it's looking to be a clean sweep for the Joker becoming the next president of the United States. Of course we must stress that these are guesses only, but after President Lex Luthor's recorded and angry outburst insulting the voters of this country, it seems highly unlikely that he will be enjoying a second term in the Oval Office. Here at Joker campaign headquarters, the air is already jubilant and celebratory – here's the Joker himself enjoying a glass of champagne with an easy smile on his face next to Harley Quinn, who is very likely to be the first female Vice President. Mr. Joker, Miss Quinn, how are you both feeling tonight?"
"Well, they say it's bad luck to celebrate a victory too soon, Jack, but when has that ever stopped me from throwing a party?" chuckled Joker.
"Miss Quinn, you're…uniquely dressed tonight," commented Jack Ryder, nodding at Harley's stiletto heel boots, ripped fishnets, hot pants, varsity jacket, and ripped shirt with 'Daddy's Little Monster' written on it. She also had dyed the ends of her blonde hair blue and pink, for some reason.
"Jack, for the last time, it's Dr. Quinzel," retorted Harley. "It's a Jewish name, and I'm proud to acknowledge my Jewish heritage, as well as my achievement in earning a doctorate. Not that my Jewish parents would ever have stopped kvetching at me if I didn't become a doctor – we're a high achieving people, y'know. Oy," she added as an afterthought.
"I…see," said Jack Ryder. "And can you explain your choice of outfit?"
"I don't think anyone can, Jack," retorted Harley. "Except that when I bend over, you can see my butt. I mean, look at the writing on this jacket: 'Established since 4ever – puddin' freaky style.' What does that even mean? It's like something a teenager would write in their yearbook thinking it's clever and then wonder what they were smoking a few years down the line. And I can barely walk in these ridiculous shoes, let alone do any kinda fighting. But it's also…an empowering outfit for some reason," she added, noticing the look Joker was giving her. "Which shows that I…am a strong, independent, kickass woman…who dresses like a sextoy for her man. Oy," she added again.
"Any final words to your supporters before the long night of vote counting?" asked Jack, putting the microphone back in front of Joker.
"I just want to send out a big thank you in advance to everyone who voted for me, and the American people for putting their faith in a clown like me," said Joker. "I may not be a perfect guy, and I may not make a perfect president, but hey, at least I have hair, right?"
A chair collided with the television screen suddenly, smashing both into pieces. "Lex, that was Harry Truman's chair!" snapped Mercy.
"He of all people would have understood the necessity of force!" shouted Luthor. "And if Joker wins this thing, I'm going to follow in Truman's footsteps by using a nuclear weapon to prevent this disaster of a presidency!"
"Lex, you can't nuke the whole country!" snapped Mercy.
"I can do whatever I want – I'm still the president!" roared Luthor. "This country would be better off suffering a nuclear winter than the Joker's presidency! It's for the good of the nation, and that's still my call!"
"Lex, you need to calm down!" snapped Mercy. "You're playing right into Joker's hands by letting him get to you like this! This is exactly what he wants, for you to act as insane as he is! Don't let him win!"
"He's already won, Mercy!" shouted Lex. "Or haven't you seen every poll and every prediction in the last few weeks?! He's won in a landslide!"
"You don't know that," retorted Mercy. "Polls have been wrong before…"
"These won't be, when every news media outlet has been playing my insulting the electorate recording 24/7!" shouted Luthor. "The American people are idiots, I know that, but they're not idiotic enough to give their vote to a man who calls them idiots to their face! God, I should have known Joker was baiting me! I should have realized that microphone was on!"
"Lex, this isn't your fault," said Mercy. "Joker tricked you – that's what he does best. No one could have prevented it."
"No, I'll tell you who could have prevented it," hissed Luthor, rounding on her. "Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon, if they had just gone along with my sexual assault story. Lois Lane and Superman, by not digging into that Injustice League stuff. But you know who carries the most blame? That selfish little plant-lover, Poison Ivy, for keeping those Injustice League letters in the first place and starting off all this mess by letting Joker get his hands on them!"
"That's a bit of a stretch, Lex," said Mercy, slowly. "I mean, I hate Ivy, but I really don't think you can blame her for this…"
"I can and will!" snapped Luthor. "Ready Air Force One, Mercy – I'm going to drop in on her and teach her not to mess with Lex Luthor!"
"Lex, don't you think this is just you desperately trying to reassert authority over a situation that's rapidly spiraling out of control?" asked Mercy. "I know how you get when faced with chaos…"
"Are you calling me a control freak?" demanded Luthor.
"Yes," said Mercy, nodding. "Because you are. And Joker knows that, and he knows how to push your buttons because of that. It's why he's winning – he's the opposite of that. He loves chaos and anarchy, and those things are much easier to instill in a population than order and justice. Heck, why do you think Batman has such a hard time of it in Gotham? Because it's so much easier for people to make a mess than clean it up. But if you allow Joker to get to you, you'll be just as much of a sucker as Batman is."
"I said ready Air Force One, Mercy," snapped Luthor. "We're going to Gotham City to tell that interfering plant that it's her fault her home is going to be nuked into a radioactive crater the moment the election results are announced."
Mercy sighed heavily. "Yes, Lex," she muttered. "I guess I can always hope that in the state he's in, he'll just kill Ivy instead," she sighed, heading off.
Poison Ivy opened her door to frantic knocking, expecting Harley Quinn, who was the person usually frantically knocking on her door. "For God's sake, Harley, if the clown can't even respect you on the eve of winning the presidency…"
She trailed off when she saw Luthor standing there. "Lex?" she asked, puzzled. "Shouldn't you be in the White House?"
"I won't be much longer, thanks to you, you backstabbing idiot!" roared Luthor.
"Hey, you can't blame me for J's victory – I'm not the one who insulted the entire electorate on camera!" snapped Ivy.
"How dare you imply this is my fault?!" shouted Luthor.
"Because it is!" retorted Ivy. "You handed the presidency to that bastard clown with your big mouth, and now he's gonna abuse this country the same way he abuses his girlfriend! If you think I'm happy about this, I'm not – as a woman, I find it terrifying that a man like that is going to hold the highest office in the land! I mean, you're a jerk, Lex, but you don't hit women."
"I think I'm about to change my position on that!" snapped Luthor, raising a fist. It was intercepted by one of Ivy's plants.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, coming here to attack me?!" shrieked Ivy. "Who the hell do you think you are!"
"I'm the President of the United States of America!" shouted Luthor. "I'm still that, and I'll always be that, no matter what the moronic voters say! I am the most powerful man on the planet, and if I go down, I'm taking the world with me, starting with your hellhole of a city!"
"Is that a threat?" demanded Ivy.
"Yes!" roared Luthor. "Yes, it is, you pathetic plant-lover!"
"At least I'm not a lying, cheating politician!" spat Ivy.
"And at least I'm not a freak of nature!" shouted Luthor.
"And at least I'm not bald!" shouted back Ivy. They glared at each other a few more moments, and then seized each other and began violently kissing as Ivy pulled him inside, slamming the front door and leaving Mercy standing outside alone.
"Well, fantastic," she muttered. "Why does that never happen when I insult him?"
"Thank you, Ivy – I can't tell you how much I needed that," sighed Luthor as they lay in bed together later. "The past few months have been incredibly frustrating."
"My pleasure, Lex," replied Ivy. "I've never had sex with the president before. And with J looking to win, I clearly won't in future."
"Please don't remind me," growled Luthor, his body clenching up in fury again.
"Now Lex, don't stress," said Ivy, standing up and heading into the bathroom. "There's no reason why you have to accept the result of the election, after all."
"What do you mean? Of course I do," said Luthor. "We live in a democratic country, and whoever gets voted in gets the job."
"That's small-minded thinking," said Ivy, brushing her hair in the mirror. "Here in Gotham, if something doesn't go our way, we have a tendency to throw violent temper tantrums until it does. If J wins, all you have to do is kill him and take back control yourself. I'd be happy to help – I loathe him."
"But if we don't respect the rule of law, or at least pay lip service to it, what's the point of even having elections?" asked Luthor.
"I dunno," said Ivy, shrugging. "But nobody in Gotham respects the rule of law, not even Batman. You should take a page out of our book, and be the hero America deserves, and the one it needs right now."
Luthor considered for a moment, and then smiled. "You know, you're right, Ivy," he said. "That's a much better campaign slogan."