Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Killer Robot Instability'; 'The Cornhusker Vortex'; 'The Lunar Excitation'; 'The Maternal Capacitance'; 'The Zazzy Substitution'; 'The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition'
xTBBTx
The four scientists sat dejectedly in apartment 4A.
"Well at least M.O.N.T.E. didn't suffer," sighed Raj.
"Didn't suffer?" Howard said incredulously. "Kripke practically shredded him with his robot." He glared at Sheldon. "Which wouldn't have happened if someone hadn't declared the match 'to the death'."
"I'm sure that someone realizes his lesson in hubris and doesn't need to have it rubbed in," Sheldon replied delicately.
Two knocks sounded at the door before it opened and Penny entered wearing a yellow sundress and open red sweater.
"Hey guys," she said in a sympathetic tone. "How're you feeling?"
"In the dumper but we'll live," said Leonard.
"Unlike M.O.N.T.E.," Howard jabbed, garnering a glare from Sheldon.
"Yeah. It really sucks since you worked so hard on that toy robot," Penny agreed.
"'Toy robot'?" stammered Sheldon. "M.O.N.T.E. was a beautiful creation—and I killed him!" He bolted from the couch to his room.
"Wow, two robots destroyed in one day," murmured Howard.
"Crap on a cracker," sighed Penny as she sprayed the bottoms of her shoes before venturing to Sheldon's room. "Sheldon, I'm sorry."
"Go away," she heard him sniffle.
"I'm coming in."
"No you're not! Nobody can be in my room!"
She opened the door and saw him curled up on his bed.
"Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry about your…M.O.N.T.E." Penny said from the doorway.
"It's all my fault," Sheldon said quietly. "Kripke baited me and I wouldn't back down and now M.O.N.T.E.'s dead."
"Well, maybe not dead-dead." Sheldon sat up and looked at his friend incredulously.
"Howard said he saw space debris that landed in the desert in better condition."
"Yeah but that doesn't mean you can't use some of M.O.N.T.E.'s parts," she countered gently. "I mean even if they're just screws or something it still comes from him."
"Cannibalizing him for parts," he sighed. "He deserves a better fate than this."
"Look at it this way: giving his parts to the next robot is sorta like us passing on our genes to our children. You can build 'son of M.O.N.T.E.'" she said enthusiastically.
Sheldon cocked his head. "Penny, M.O.N.T.E. is a robot. Robots don't have genetic offspring."
She smiled crookedly. "You get my drift, genius."
"I suppose." Sheldon sighed deeply. "I don't like being the cause of his demise."
"What about Snowball?"
"Snowball was sacrificed for science. M.O.N.T.E., for pride." He regarded Penny. "I don't like this feeling."
"Then don't do it again and you'll honor M.O.N.T.E." she said.
He nodded. "You're right." He got off the bed and came to the door. "M.O.N.T.E was a simple soul and his funeral should reflect this." Penny raised an eyebrow. "I'll speak. Leonard can play his cello." He stepped into the hall and closed his door. "Wear something appropriate."
"Uh, yeah," Penny said and the two of them returned to the living room.
"I see your reboot was successful," Howard said not unkindly.
"One down, three to go," Penny replied as she went to stand on the mat in front of the door. "Listen, I thought you guys could use some cheering up so I'm inviting you over to my party this Saturday."
"Dear Lord, not this madness again," sighed Sheldon.
"No, not like before. It's a football party. The Cornhuskers are playing so a bunch of us are getting together to watch the game."
"And by 'a bunch of us' you mean a bunch of women-folk like yourself or beer guzzling jocks?" asked Howard.
"Both. It's guys and their girlfriends mostly but there are a few single people there."
"And by 'people' you mean—"
"I mean women, Howard," Penny clarified. "But you have to be good."
"My dear, I am nothing if not a gentleman," the engineer said in mock-hurt.
Penny shook her head. "Why am I regretting this already?" She opened the door. "Later guys."
"Bye Penny," said Leonard.
"Awesome!" Howard chimed as Raj and he gave each other a hi-five.
"Now I only have one question," said Raj. "How do you play football?" He looked at Howard and Leonard, who shrugged.
"I guess we'll have to look it up," said Leonard as he took a sip of water. "I mean I've seen it on tv as I flipped through channels: a bunch of big guys lining up against each other and then running around until the play stops."
"They don't just 'line up against each other'," Sheldon tsked as he opened the container that held the communal Mystic Warriors of Ka'a cards. "They form at the line of scrimmage."
"Which means?" prompted Raj.
"The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defense."
"How do you know this?" gasped Leonard.
"I grew up in Texas, Leonard. Football is ubiquitous in Texas." Sheldon began to shuffle the cards.
"I see—Please teach us," Raj begged.
"There are plenty of online resources at your reach," the lanky physicist said. "I've no interest in reliving my hellish moments watching the game with my father when I could have been doing something much more entertaining like my homework."
"It'd be great if I met someone there," sighed Howard. "After Christie left it's been kinda lonely. I've tried this dating website but there's only so far 'wealthybigpenis' can travel."
"'Wealthybigpenis'? Seriously?" Leonard said in disgust.
"There are a lot of foreign women there. I have to keep my English simple," Howard explained. "Besides, you can't tell me that you're not hankering for female companionship after Leslie."
"I guess," Leonard said thoughtfully.
"Gentlemen, need I remind you that it's Mystic Warriors of Ka'a night?" Sheldon said, annoyed.
"Please Sheldon," Raj begged again.
"Raj, I have no interest in providing the means for mass copulation."
"But—"
"No, no, Sheldon's right," Howard said innocently. "He has no interest in coitus so we shouldn't force him to help us have sex."
"Rather astute for a man with a Masters degree," Sheldon said evenly as he finished shuffling the last of the rather large deck of cards.
Howard rubbed his thumb and forefinger against his chin. "Let's talk about something else…. Oh, I know, how about Penny going on a date with her ex-boyfriend?"
"I believe I won the last game so I deal," Sheldon said icily as he took the top part of the deck and began dealing.
"It's always funny with exes," Howard continued in a conversational tone. "On and off like a light switch. Exes today. A couple tomorrow."
"I hear there's a new expansion pack coming out, tentatively called Satanimals," Sheldon said brusquely.
"They say once you have sex with someone all of your senses come alive when you see them. Why I bet Penny and what's his face will have a hard time keeping their hands—"
"The origin of professional football can be traced back to eighteen ninety two, with William 'Pudge' Heffelfinger's five hundred dollar contract to play in a game for the Allegheny Athletic Association against the Pittsburgh Athletic Club," Sheldon said in a loud voice.
"Et voila," grinned Howard as he gestured towards Sheldon.
"Alright Poindexter, shut up and listen," scowled the lanky physicist. "An American football field measures one hundred yards long and fifty three yards wide. White markings on the side of the field mark the yards in order to aid in determining the ball's placement on the field. The end zone is an additional ten yards…."
xTBBTx
Through the chattering and laughter in her apartment Penny heard the knock at her door.
"That the Geek Squad?" Gwen asked innocently. Penny pursed her lips.
"Be good," she warned. "They're nice guys. Well, except for Howard. Not that he's a bad person but, well, you'll understand when you meet him."
"Was that the creepy guy at the birthday party with the bowl-shaped haircut?"
"Please be good," Penny reiterated. In response Gwen winked and went to the counter for a beer.
With a sigh Penny crossed over to the door, opened it and immediately bit her lower lip to keep from laughing. Howard, Raj and Leonard all stood before her with flowing Cornhuskers jerseys that went to their knees and giant grins on their faces.
"Wow," she said with a smile. "Jerseys and everything."
"We went over the social protocol for game watching," Leonard said. "We're appropriately attired, have brought snacks"—here he held up two bags of barbecue chips and Raj, a twelve pack of beer. Howard, for his part, handed Penny a foiled package.
"What's this?" she asked. Whatever it was it had quite a weight to it.
"My mother made a brisket for the occasion," Howard explained.
"Uh, thanks," she replied. "When's Sheldon coming over? The game starts in five minutes."
"I don't think he's coming," said Leonard, making Penny frown.
"Why not? I went to his robot's funeral this morning and he didn't say he wasn't coming."
"Yes, but he didn't specifically say he was going either," Leonard replied, garnering a scowl from the Nebraskan. "Of course I can see your point."
"Let me go get him. There's chips and stuff on the counter and coffee table. Raj, if you can find a space in my fridge for your beer you're welcome to it. Other than that, mingle around. They don't bite." Penny crossed the hall and knocked once on the door before entering.
Leonard, Raj and Howard all looked at each other before taking a step into the apartment. Immediately they felt all eyes on their person before the gathering went back to their conversations.
"Hulking guys and beautiful women all ignoring us," whispered Raj. "Penny's right: we're fitting right in."
Over at 4A Penny saw her neighbor busy clacking away at his computer.
"Psst, Sheldon, the party's this way," she teased.
"I'm aware, hence the reason why I'm right here," he replied without looking away from his laptop.
Penny set the brisket on the shelf and sprayed her feet before crossing over to the physicist.
"I thought we had a deal—I bury M.O.N.T.E. and you come to my football game," she said firmly.
"No, what you had was a presupposition. What you're witnessing is actuality."
"Give me one good reason why you don't want to come."
"I don't like football."
"But you're from Texas!" Penny gasped.
"Granted in an alternate universe there might be a Sheldon who watches football." He turned his head. "But it's not this one." He returned to his computer.
Penny sat on the arm of the couch. "But it isn't so much the game as the getting together, y'know?"
"I can't really say I do. Besides, I have no wish to spend my valuable time on vacuous ilk like your ex-boyfriend," he said evenly as he typed.
"Kurt's not here." She sighed as she rolled her eyes. "We didn't even get through dinner before he was trying to get back into my pants like the old days. The same lines. The same…ugh!" Here she narrowed her eyes. "And no saying 'I told you so'."
"Very well," replied Sheldon. "Although I did inform you thusly."
Penny laughed out loud. "My psychic said I'd have trouble with a Taurus this week."
"Complete hokum," Sheldon chided. Penny folded her arms across her chest.
"Let me guess, you're a skeptic."
"No," he said slowly, "I'm sane."
"Your mom ever say where she had you tested?"
Sheldon stopped typing and swiveled his chair to face his neighbor. "Then explain to me why psychics aren't employed by insurance companies to hedge their bets? 'I'm sorry sir, due to a bad tarot spread that was confirmed by your tea leaves we find you a risk to insure.'"
She pursed her lips. "Well I know for a fact that my psychic is real."
"Alright," he twanged. "Far be it from me to allow personal bias to contaminate your premise." His eyes were bemused. "Dazzle me."
"Well she knew that I would get the Rent gig."
"Specifically by name?"
"Yes."
"Before or after you told her about it?"
Penny looked a little unsure. "I don't remember. Probably before."
"Probably," he snorted, garnering a glare. "Your tenuous grasp of sequential order hardly persuades me."
"Well she knew that Kurt and I were going to break up."
"While I know about the invisible six foot rabbit living in my room."
"Now you're just being stupid," Penny growled.
"I am never stupid," Sheldon fired back as he leaned forward in his chair. "If there's no way to disprove my contention, no conceivable experiment that would count against it, what does it mean to say that my rabbit exists?"
"It doesn't exist!"
"Exactly," he said with a smug smile. "Your inability to invalidate my hypothesis is not at all the same thing as proving it true."
"Or in other words you think I'm stupid," Penny said hotly.
Sheldon shrugged. "I haven't attempted to estimate your I.Q. although this belief in psychics and a propensity to watch helmeted jocks hammer things out on a grassy field does lead me to estimate it's comfortably in the realm of mid-average."
"Forget about coming. You're no longer invited," she snapped as she marched to the door.
"I already informed you I wasn't going." He folded his arms in front of his chest. "That doesn't make me psychic."
Penny slipped on her flip-flops and grabbed the brisket before opening the door.
"You know, Sheldon, I felt sorry for you because you said you didn't have any friends. I think I understand why."
"People are jealous of my intellect."
"I'm not," she said seriously. "Because it isn't your smarts that separates you from other people. It's you being a douche."
"I'm a defender of logic and truth," Sheldon said icily. "Because I don't candy-coat my answers doesn't mean they're without merit. I'm not going to nod my head like a simpleton when you talk about psychics and horoscopes."
"But it's okay for you to go on and on about Spock and Star Trek?" she said incredulously.
"Star Trek is a revered television show and Spock, a beloved character," he said as he indicated an action figure wearing black pants and a long sleeved blue shirt reminiscent of the outfit Sheldon wore at the physics tournament. "Psychics are charlatans who prey on the gullible."
"Yeah I must be a damn fool." She shook her head. "I actually thought you liked me."
"I never said I didn't," Sheldon replied.
"But you never say you do."
"As I said before I'm unfamiliar with the friendship paradigm to properly—"
"Wrong answer," Penny scowled. "You know maybe we shouldn't talk."
"Alright." She made to close the door. "For how long?"
"At this point, until hell freezes over."
"Good Lord, you believe in that too?"
She made to speak but instead closed the door behind her. In five large strides she was across the hall. Inside her apartment Gwen and Raj were chatting over beers while Howard had three female friends cornered by the sink and was pulling a massive amount of colored handkerchiefs from his sleeve.
"And here's the cheesecake scented goddess with my brisket," said Howard as Penny came to the counter and put the brisket by the bowl of popcorn.
"Put a cork in it, Howard," she grumbled and went to the couch.
"Brisket?" he offered to the remaining ladies. "My mother made it this morning."
"Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?" gushed Leonard enthusiastically, unaware of the strange stares given by his fellow game-watchers.
"Dude, that's a highlight from the 'ninety eight championship game," said a tall, ruggedly handsome man sitting next to him on the couch wearing a blue checkered shirt over a black t-shirt.
"Oh," Leonard replied. "Did not know that. Thanks, Zack."
"No worries." He held out a bottle. "Beer?"
"Sure," said Leonard as he took it. "While I'm participating in a social interaction I might as well engage in mimesis." He struggled getting the cap off.
"Actually, it's Bud Lite," Zack amended.
After watching Leonard struggle Penny reached over for the bottle and opened it with a strong twist.
"Thanks," Leonard said as he took back the bottle. "I couldn't get the right torque."
"Sportchek has a lot of bitched hats," said Zack as he watched the game.
"Uh, I didn't say toque I said torque which is a twisting force that causes a twisting motion," Leonard amended.
"Kind of a funny word—tor-k."
With a roll of the eyes Penny left to the washroom and her bottle of aspirin.
XxX
"Well that was interesting," said Leonard as he sat on his stuffed chair. "Our first football game."
"And if Penny has anything to say about it, our last," chuckled Howard as he checked his email on Leonard's laptop. "It's funny, Penny said that some of her friends were single but every one of them told me she had a boyfriend."
"Sounds like a conspiracy," said Leonard neutrally.
"What about you, Raj?" asked the engineer. "You were chatting that hot brunette up for quite a while."
"It was nothing," Raj said quickly. "You know, the weather and whatnot."
"Nice try. When I passed by you two were in deep conversation. Something about travelling in Italy and India?"
"It was nothing," Raj repeated adamantly.
"Ouch," said Howard. "Now you're about as touchy as Penny." He turned his head to Sheldon as the latter typed away at his computer. "So what'd you do besides be your ever-charming self?"
"I didn't 'do' anything," Sheldon said formally. "She invited me to the game, I declined and then we proceeded to discuss the fallacy that is fortunetelling. Apparently Penny believes in 'psychics'."
"And you said…," prompted Leonard.
"Leonard, you know it's hokum," sniffed Sheldon. "Even after using a variation of a Sagan analogy Penny still insisted she wasn't delusional."
"Now there's a reality warp—Sheldon accusing someone else of being out of her mind," quipped Howard, garnering a glare from the lanky physicist.
"Be that as it may, I'm still right." Sheldon logged off his computer and stood up. "Although my sanity should be questioned for being friends with someone who believes in tarot card readings."
"Aw, you didn't tell her that did you?" groaned Leonard.
"Of course not. I merely said that psychics are charlatans who prey on the gullible." Sheldon proceeded down the hall.
"And what did Penny say?" asked Raj.
"We'd talk later."
Leonard raised an eyebrow. "When's later?"
"When hell freezes over," said Sheldon as he vanished around the corner. A moment and then his door closed.
"I'll go check up on Penny," sighed Leonard and exited the apartment.
"Howard, I'm always going to be alone," pouted Raj. "I live alone. I eat alone. I have sex alone." He glanced at his friend. "Too much info?"
"A little bit," Howard said sarcastically. "Look, come here." The astrophysicist obliged. "You see this site? There are thousands of women looking for a man right this moment."
"Yeah, but how many of them would be interested in me?"
"Well, you're a male so that puts you in the ballpark right there. The rest are just details."
Raj snorted. "By that token Sheldon would be a catch." A thought came to him and he smiled. "You know what would be awesome? Make a profile for Sheldon."
"Yeah, like that'd work," chuckled Howard. "'Greetings fellow life-form.'" He cocked his head. "Still it'd be definitive proof that aliens walked among us if someone answered."
"Let's get mine and Sheldon's profiles done."
"'I follow Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics'. Man, Sheldon's profile just writes itself," Howard said with a smirk.
"All I know is that I'll have a cow if Sheldon gets a response before me," said Raj as he pulled over Sheldon's computer chair to join his friend. "And believe me that's a big deal in India."
XxX
Leonard tapped at Penny's door. "Penny?"
"Door's open, Leonard." He turned the handle and entered to find Penny in the midst of cleaning up the snacks and bottles around her living room. "'Sup?"
"I just thought I'd see if you needed any help," he said innocently.
"Na, it's good." She emptied the remains of the beer in the sink before putting the bottles in the cases. "You want the rest of the brisket?"
"No, I have them all the time at Howard's place."
"The guys really liked it." Here she chuckled. "Goodbye Papa John's and hello Mrs. Wolowitz."
"Yeah." Leonard gathered the bowls on the coffee table and brought them to the counter. "I realize that we didn't exactly blend seamlessly into the crowd but I just wanted to say that we enjoyed ourselves."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. Zack seemed to take a real shine to you and Gwen thought Raj was pretty insightful and would totally make an awesome gay bff."
"Raj isn't gay," replied Leonard.
"Apparently Gwen and he were all talking about Eat, Pray, Love, various exfoliating creams and the day spa with the biggest bang for your buck."
Leonard thought for a moment. "Okay. If we forget the massive amount of female pornography on his laptop I could totally go with the gay thing."
"Too much info," chuckled Penny as she wrinkled her nose.
"Sorry." Leonard handed her the bowls and she put them in the sink. "Too bad Sheldon couldn't come."
A scowl immediately covered Penny's face. "So that's why you're here."
"No," he replied quickly. "I was just making conversation."
"Good, because I don't want to talk about it," she said firmly and continued stacking beer bottles.
"Sure, sure." Silence save for the clinking of beer bottles. "It's funny how people think about the world according to their own point of view."
"Oh balls," grumbled Penny.
"I mean Sheldon's a physicist. He follows the scientific method in his work and it's crossed over into his everyday outlook."
"What's the scientific method besides being an ass-hat?"
"It's a procedure employing systematic observation, measurement and experiment and the formulation, testing and modification of hypotheses. To be termed scientific, a method of inquiry must be based on empirical and measurable evidence subject to specific principles of reasoning."
"'Principles of reasoning', huh?" Penny said grimly.
"The foundation for physics. So you see, Sheldon isn't being an intentional 'ass-hat' he's just—"
"You're a physicist," Penny growled. "You think I'm a quack for believing in psychics?"
"A quack?" Leonard said in a panicky tone. "Of course not!" He smiled in what he hoped was a disarming manner. "In my experience there's two types of people that make the world go round: those who follow facts and those that don't." Penny came from behind the counter and Leonard began back-peddling towards the door. "Not that not following facts is bad, it's just that you have to communicate with them on an emotional level rather than a rational one."
"Out!" barked Penny as she pointed to the door.
Leonard was out of there like a shot.
xTBBTx
Leonard swallowed nervously as he stood next to his mother in the elevator. He always found himself at a loss as to what to say to her given her tendency to analyze and dismiss practically everything he said.
"So, how was your trip?" he said amicably.
"Be more specific," Dr. Beverly Hofstadter replied evenly as she stood stiffly wearing a skirt-suit.
"Uh, were you comfortable?"
"In what way?"
"Physically?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?" she said as she stared at the elevator door.
"Never mind." The doors opened and they both emerged at his floor. "That reminds me, I have to warn you about my roommate."
"I'm familiar with Dr. Cooper and his autistic and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Moreover I've seen several of his brain scans so there's nothing about him that could surprise me."
Leonard unlocked the door and let it swing open. Beverly saw Sheldon sitting on the couch surrounded by cats.
"Surprise," Leonard said with a smirk.
"Dr. Hofstadter!" Sheldon said cheerily.
"Dr. Cooper," she replied as she took in the scene. "I see you have a clowder of cats."
"Originally I had Robert Oppenheimer," he said as he indicated a tabby cat with his head. "But he got lonely."
"Now we've got the whole Manhattan Project," sighed Leonard as he closed the door. "I'll take your suitcase to your room."
"Your attempt at asserting dominance is noted but unnecessary," said Beverly as she took up the antibacterial spray and cleaned the bottom of her shoes.
"Some people would just call it 'nice'."
"And just who are these 'people' and why is their opinion relevant?" Beverly grabbed her suitcase.
"Never mind."
"I have the same problem with him," tsked Sheldon. "My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive."
"Excuse me?!" spat Leonard. "I've only had sex with Leslie and we're not even dating anymore!"
"Premarital sex," said Beverly thoughtfully. "I don't know where you would've gotten that behavior. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, your father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction."
"Too much information, mother," Leonard called over his shoulder as he went down the hall to his room.
"There's a difference between too much information and remaining ignorant," Beverly said as she followed her son. "Sadly a distinction your father fails to recognize."
"Here we are," Leonard said as he entered his room and set the suitcase at the foot of the bed.
"You're stating the obvious," said Beverly. She looked around the room, noting the various comic and sci fi objects. "I see your regression has permeated to your décor."
"Why thank you," Leonard said mockingly.
"Why? It was an observation not a compliment." Her son rolled his eyes.
Leonard went to his nightstand. "Let me just get my allergy medication. The cats are murder on my sinuses."
Beverly turned to him. "So you were not part of the decision making process regarding the introduction of felines to your apartment?"
"Nope. Penny and Sheldon stop talking and the next minute Robert Oppenheimer's nestled beside him on the couch."
"Penny. His girlfriend?"
"It's complicated."
"For you it often is," Beverly said dismissively as she went to her suitcase. "Elaborate."
"Well, Penny's his first real friend and they had a fight about…fundamental philosophical beliefs and now they're not talking," he explained.
"I don't see how this is complicated, unless I've overestimated your I.Q.," his mother said evenly as she hung up her clothes in Leonard's closet.
"Well the narrative isn't but the emotions are," Leonard scowled. "Sheldon hasn't had experience with losing a friend and he certainly is ill-equipped to fix the situation."
Beverly raised an eyebrow. "Now this is interesting." She took up her purse and laptop bag and returned to the living room followed by her now-curious son.
"Dr. Cooper," she said evenly. "Leonard informs me you're having emotional difficulties regarding your severed relationship with Penny."
"I'm having no such thing," Sheldon said as he scowled at Leonard. "Penny and I have mutually decided to part ways due to her ridiculous belief in psychic phenomena. Plus she called me stupid."
"Then in forty-eight hours we got a horde of cats," Leonard pointed out.
"A clowder, Leonard," said Sheldon. "A gathering of cats is a—"
"I know it's a clowder! Sheldon, you're clearly upset about breaking up with Penny and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats."
"I didn't 'break up' with Penny. She's a girl, she was a friend, but not my 'girlfriend'."
Leonard rolled his eyes. "Look, I get the loneliness. Remember when Leslie and I broke up?"
"She dumped you," amended Sheldon.
"Anyways," scowled the shorter physicist. "I went off to Vegas and had fun with my friends. We went to the casino, saw a show. Bonding at its best."
"You copulated with a prostitute," said Sheldon as he scratched behind the ears of the cat sitting on his lap.
Beverly looked to her son. "I hope she provided the temporary psychic relief you needed to deal with conflicts about your guilt and responsibility for your failed relationship instead of chlamydia."
"It wasn't my fault!" Leonard said defensively. "Leslie didn't want to be serious and—" He shook his head. "This isn't about me! Sheldon's the one sitting with a herd of cats and—" His eyes narrowed as he looked at the cat on Sheldon's lap. "Is that a new cat?"
"Zazzles," cooed Sheldon. "I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz but he's so"—he raised the cat onto its hind paws and playfully pawed the air with the front paws—"zazzy."
"Dr. Cooper," said Beverly. "I'd like to scan your brain."
"You don't have to ask me twice," the lanky physicist said happily as he put Zazzles on the couch and stood. "Let me get my jacket and wallet."
After he went to his room Leonard turned to his mother.
"You don't think this is some kind of tumor or something?" he said.
"I doubt I'd be that lucky," she replied evenly. "I'm curious to map his neural network."
"Since he's gone crazy," Leonard concluded.
"Perhaps," she said. "But he is right—the cat is zazzy."
Leonard let out a gigantic sigh.
xTBBTx
Penny pulled out her keys as she approached 2311 North Los Robles. Tonight had been another lackluster night tip-wise at the Cheesecake Factory and all she wanted to do was strip and soak in her tub.
She noted that ahead of her was a tall brunette with a professional look to her clothes who stopped at the building entrance and seemed to be staring through the glass door.
"Hi," Penny said with a friendly smile. "Mind if I slip past ya to open the door?"
"Why would I mind?" asked the woman. "I wouldn't be standing in front of a door if I wasn't expecting it to be opened."
A funny look came to Penny's face as she unlocked the door.
"Are you related to Dr. Cooper by any chance?"
"No," replied the woman.
"Huh. Two Sheldons. Who woulda thought?" muttered Penny as she held the door open.
Immediately the two women stopped at the entrance and took in the scene of boxes and wrapped furniture all over the place and Howard, Raj and Leonard struggling to get a dresser into the elevator. To their right by the mail boxes was an attractive blonde with a clip board and a clingy top Penny thought was kinda cute.
"Hey guys," Penny called out. "What's all this?"
Leonard stood up. "Hey Penny. We're helping Alicia move into 5A."
"I really appreciate the help," Alicia said with a little smile.
"And we appreciate you letting us help," replied Leonard with a goofy grin.
"If I could distract you from your demonstration of physical prowess for the purpose of attracting a mate for coital purposes I'd like entrance to the apartment," Beverly said evenly.
"Yes mother," Leonard said and gave her his key.
"Oh, so this is your mother?" said Penny. "I can totally see the resemblance now."
"Based on his lackluster progress both professionally and personally that's highly unlikely although we do share myopia," said Beverly.
"I see," Penny said neutrally.
"Leonard," Alicia said sweetly. "I really need to get my stuff in my place."
"Yeah, right," he said in an enthralled voice that made Penny roll her eyes.
"Don't work too hard," Penny said politely but firmly as Alicia and she exchanged catty expressions. She turned to Beverly. "Stairs?"
"As our other option is to wait for three physically underdeveloped males to maneuver furniture into the elevator I believe the stairs are a satisfactory option." Both Penny and she mounted the stairs.
"So anyways I'm Penny, Leonard's neighbor," Penny said brightly.
"Hmm. A talker. I see."
Penny's smile faltered. "So, been in L.A. long?"
"I arrived Friday for today's conference and depart tomorrow."
"Ah, cool." Silence. "So Leonard said you were a psychiatrist."
"That's one of my degrees. I'm primarily a neuroscientist."
"That's why Sheldon's always having his brain scanned."
"Yes, he's one of my test subjects. His eidetic memory and heightened I.Q. make for an interesting study." Beverly raised an eyebrow even as she cocked her head slightly to the left. "Which is why it's puzzling that you stimulate his caudate nucleus like you do."
"Excuse me?"
"You elevate his dopamine and norepinephrine production." Beverly noted Penny's blank look. "Both are brain chemicals associated with pleasurable activities and excitement."
Penny thought about this and her jaw dropped.
"You mean he likes me?" she breathed.
"It's obvious."
"Wow." Penny's stomach fluttered in excitement. "You mean likes me likes me. Not just as friends?"
"As he is inexperienced with non-familial bonds he may believe you and he are engaged in a friendship paradigm but given his extreme response to the dissolution of your relationship the notion that he hasn't formed a deeper emotional attachment is remote."
"Huh." Penny felt unexpectedly high and absolutely loved the feeling. "So why hasn't he said anything?"
"He's in denial of his feelings, if he's consciously aware of them at all, but I assure you they are there." Beverly looked down her nose at the waitress. "Much the same way you harbor feelings for your father."
"What?" gasped Penny.
"Your delighted expression at my mentioning Dr. Cooper's romantic interest in you suggests an external locus of identity i.e. you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs."
"But I had a wonderful childhood!" exclaimed Penny.
"I see," replied Beverly. "Tell me about it."
XxX
Sheldon sat in his spot surrounded by Zazzles and the Manhattan Project. He felt comforted, although strangely dissatisfied, and more than a little itchy. Obviously his allergy medication was wearing off.
His hearing picked up the sound of Penny sobbing in the stairwell followed by Beverly's even drone. At once Sheldon's stomach dropped and he removed himself from the couch just as a key inserted in the lock and Beverly opened the door. Now Penny's crying came in loud and clear as she entered her apartment and closed the door.
"What's wrong?" Sheldon asked.
"She's just crying over her father," Beverly replied.
"Did something happen to him?"
Beverly sprayed her shoes. "No. She's having trouble meeting unattainable expectations in an attempt to gain his approval."
"Ah," replied the physicist as he continued to stare at Penny's door until Beverly closed the apartment door. His eyes immediately snapped to her shoulder. "Can I get you some tea?"
"I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance it's probably you."
Sheldon went to the washroom to clean his hands before returning to the kitchen and preparing the water and accoutrements for tea. Beverly, for her part, moved Leonard's laptop to the floor so she could put her own on his desk.
"After making my tea you might wish to approach Penny so as to take advantage of her vulnerability," she said casually.
Sheldon cocked his head. "For what purpose would I take advantage of Penny?"
"From what Leonard said the two of you have reached an impasse. Penny's current despondent state should make her receptive to a reconciliation."
"Why would I want to reconcile? She believes in psychic phenomena."
"Because your neocortex is being overwhelmed by your amygdala," Beverly said absently as she logged on to her computer.
"I disagree," Sheldon said stiffly.
"Your rational mind is compromised." She turned in her chair to face him. "Explain to me why you obtained feline companionship immediately following your relationship dissolution especially since your allergies are moderate and require constant medication."
Sheldon focused on making tea. "Cats make wonderful companions. They don't argue or question my intellectual authority. They most definitely don't call me stupid." He removed the spoon and brought the cup over to the neuroscientist.
"Oolong?" asked Beverly as she took the cup.
"Yes."
"Loose, not bagged?"
"Yes."
"Steeped three minutes?"
"Yes."
"Two-percent milk?"
"Yes."
"Warmed separately?"
"Yes."
"One teaspoon raw sugar?"
"Yes."
She took a sip. "Adequate." Sheldon nodded and went to clean up the counter.
"Hypothetically speaking, what would be the best course of action to reinstate my friendship with Penny?" he asked innocently.
"Go over, carefully choose your opening line, apologize for whatever you're sorry for—"
"But I'm not sorry."
"Then focus on the one thing you obviously do regret."
"I'm sorry she's so gullible," he shrugged.
"Don't forget that you're limited by Penny's emotional and intellectual capacity to comprehend. Reinforce positive feelings you have for your relationship and sign off with optimism."
Sheldon took a moment to think. "I'd need a premise for going over."
"You could enquire as to her status and be a neutral listener." She sensed Sheldon's hesitancy. "Of course your other option is to remain here and continue to acquire cats until the Pasadena Humane Society intervenes."
After cleaning his hands with cleanser Sheldon crossed the room and exited his apartment.
A smirk came to Beverly's face as she typed.
"Autistic wunderkind and an aspiring actress," she said evenly. "Fascinating."
In front of 4B Sheldon thought over what Beverly had said. He still disputed her accusation that he was acting irrationally. He was Dr. Sheldon Cooper BS, MA, PHD, Sc.D. Resolver of the Black Hole Information Paradox.
And yet he couldn't understand why it was so imperative he was here.
He only knew it was.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Come in," said a small voice. Sheldon pursed his lips. He didn't like that.
He entered to find Penny on her couch in her Nebraska sweatshirt, baseball cap and track pants with a bottle of wine on her table and a glass in hand.
"Hey," she sniffled and wiped her eyes with the cuff of her sleeve.
"I overheard your distress and under the Friendship Agreement Section Four Part One I'm obligated to render emotional aid," he said as he closed the door behind him.
"What makes you think we're still friends?" she asked.
Sheldon clasped his hands behind his back.
"As I'm neither a plumber nor a superintendant I hardly think you'd allow me into your apartment if we weren't friends. More importantly, you never gave me a Notice of Termination."
In spite of herself she chucked quietly. "My bad."
"Do you wish to end our friendship?" he said seriously.
"No." He let out a silent breath he didn't know he was holding.
"Then let me proceed with my duty. You're upset. Discuss."
Penny took a large gulp of wine. "Apparently the locus of my identity is totally exterior to me."
"Do you have any supporting evidence?"
"I played sports to get my dad to notice me even though I hated getting dirty," she sniffled. "He called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me."
"So you felt abandoned."
"I tried to do the best I could," Penny pouted. "I was a cheerleader and in the Corn Queen's Court and then when I said I wanted to act he practically had a fit."
Sheldon nodded. "Since you lacked your father's approval you sought out external support through public extracurricular activities and promiscuity." Penny's jaw dropped.
"I'm not a slut," she snapped.
"I never said you were. Your means, method and frequency of coital activities are your own business."
She frowned. "So why are you saying I'm promiscuous?"
"I'm not saying it. The math's saying it," he replied evenly.
"Huh?"
"Based on the number of men I've seen leave your apartment you average—"
"Sheldon don't." Silence and then a thought came to her. "I never knew you kept track."
"I'm a physicist. I keep track of everything."
Penny narrowed her eyes and really looked at her neighbor but he didn't seem any different with his hands behind his back, even tone complexion and matter-of-fact professor voice. Only his eyes were focused on her shoulder and when she cocked her head to catch them he straightened and moved his gaze to her apartment. She had no idea how Beverly could say that Sheldon liked her. All she knew was that she felt disappointed; not that she thought he'd declare his undying love but she wanted something tangible. Of course the bigger question was why she even cared if he liked her or not since they were so completely different it's not like they could ever be a couple.
Maybe it's my locus looking for validity again. Penny gave a snort and took a gulp of wine.
"What?" asked Sheldon.
"Nothing," said Penny with a little smile. She let the wine swirl lazily in the glass. "You called me stupid."
"No, I said you were gullible. You called me stupid."
"Yeah."
Sheldon frowned. "I'm not stupid, Penny."
"Neither am I."
"I never said—"
"You never said yadda-yadda. I know. Sheldon, believe it or not you don't know everything." His right eye twitched. "I mean there are things out there that we don't know and I'm not gullible for believing in them." She smiled. "I'm a dreamer. Just like you."
"Hardly," he snorted.
"What about your graviton thingies? You said you know they're there."
"Because science says they should be there," he sniffed.
"'Should' doesn't mean 'are', sweetie."
He pursed his lips. "I think we're off point."
"That's right. You were here to comfort me." She set down her wine and patted the seat next to her.
"I thought I had comforted you," he replied.
"Booboos and Ouchies, Sheldon," she cooed and presented him with wide eyes.
A twitch passed over his mouth and there was a definite hesitation before he stepped over and gingerly sat on the edge of the couch.
"There there," he said awkwardly. He reached out to pat her shoulder but thought twice about it and instead waved his hand over her arm as if they were separated by a force field. Penny looked at him and in that moment their eyes met.
"Sheldon's here," he said and then gave what she considered to be the worst attempt at a comforting smile she'd ever seen.
And yet it was perfect.
xTBBTx
Wikipedia: History of American Football; The Demon-Haunted World (Carl Sagan); Scientific Method;
Alternetorg: Why men do stupid things—the psychological appeal of prostitutes
NFLcom: NFL Beginner's guide to Football