"All right, they're going to call this thing in favor of the Joker any second now," said Poison Ivy, glancing at the television set which had since been installed in the Iceberg Lounge, and which showed Joker a few votes away from winning the electoral college. "Lex is waiting in a car outside to head to J's campaign headquarters and take him out the moment they do. So if anyone would like to join us, you're certainly welcome."
"Yes, I'm coming with you," said Penguin, nodding. "I owe Joker at least a punch to the face."
"Harvey, what about you?" asked Ivy, turning to Two-Face.
Two-Face studied his coin. "I hate Luthor," he said. "But J has been especially irritating since he started running for president. And that's saying something, considering how irritating he was already."
"Great, so you're in," said Ivy, standing up. "Come on."
"Hang on, the coin hasn't made my decision," said Two-Face, holding it up.
"All right, heads you let a psychotic lunatic come to power, or tails you stick with the status quo," said Ivy.
"You're right – it's a tough decision," said Two-Face, nodding as he flipped the coin. It landed bad side up. "Sticking with the status quo it is," he said.
They headed outside to the waiting limousine, and climbed into the back with Luthor. "Hello, everyone, and thanks for joining us," said Luthor. "Oswald, good to see you. Harvey," he said, nodding at Two-Face.
"Mr. President," sneered Two-Face, nodding back. "Fancy seeing you here looking to interrupt the democratic process."
"I just realized I had to do the right thing, whatever the cost," said Luthor.
"Right, you're such a moral guy," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes. "There's no need to lie to us, of all people. You hate J's guts, and you're not letting him win under any circumstances. I get that."
"Yes, my hatred of the Joker and doing the right thing happily coincide in this case," said Luthor, nodding. "Now, Ivy and I have planned…"
"When did you and Ivy get time to plan anything?" asked Two-Face. "Haven't you just flown in?"
Luthor glanced at Ivy, who looked back at him pointedly. "We…talked on the phone on my way over," he said, slowly. "Air Force One has a phone, you know."
"That doesn't explain why you're wearing Ivy's perfume," said Two-Face, his eyes narrowing.
"It's…not Ivy's perfume…it's my cologne," said Luthor. "I'm sorry if you think they're similar, but we clearly have similar tastes…"
"And similar personalities of being lying, deceptive sociopaths who use people for their own selfish ends," growled Two-Face.
"Not now, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "It's neither the time nor the place! Save your anger to use against J!"
"You said you were through with Luthor, Pam!" roared Two-Face. "You said you hated his guts!"
"And I do!" retorted Ivy. "It was just sex, Harvey – it didn't mean anything!"
"Is that what you say about me?!" he demanded.
"I don't wanna talk about this right now!" snapped Ivy. "This isn't about us or Lex – it's about preventing America from making a huge mistake by electing the Joker as president! So stop being so self-centered for once! Your irrational jealousy is one reason why we don't work as a couple!"
"It's not irrational if it's valid!" shouted Two-Face. "And don't you of all people call me self-centered!"
Luthor turned to Penguin. "So how are you, Oswald?" he asked, hoping to change the subject and diffuse the tension. "How's Riddler?"
"How should I know?" snapped Penguin.
"I'm sorry – I was under the impression that you two were an item," said Luthor. "You know, it was my administration that made gay marriage legal in all fifty states."
"Are you actually canvassing for my vote right now?" demanded Penguin. "You just don't know when to turn it off, do you, Lex? Did you end your encounter with Ivy with, 'If you enjoyed that, vote Luthor'?"
"Of course he didn't!" snapped Ivy. "Although he did ask me to hail to the chief, which was fairly creepy when you know what part of his anatomy he calls 'The Chief.' But the votes have already been cast, so asking me to vote for him now would be pretty pointless, for one thing."
"And for another, I'm pretty sure using his sexual performance to buy votes would result in an even worse drubbing than he took in this election!" snapped Two-Face.
Luthor was used to being surrounded by people who hated him, that was part of being president, after all, but he couldn't deny the atmosphere in the car was palpably uncomfortable. He picked up the phone which communicated with the front. "Mercy, drive a little faster, would you?"
Meanwhile, at Joker's headquarters, the crowd had erupted into cheering as the news network announced the election result in Joker's favor. "Congratulations, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, leaping into his arms. Or at least, that was her intention, but she tripped over her shoes and landed face down on the floor instead. Joker burst out laughing at her as she picked herself up.
"It's not funny!" she snapped. "I'm in pain, these stupid shorts keep riding up into my nooks and crannies, and I'm freezing cold because I ain't wearing any clothes!"
"Well, go change, then," said Joker. "It doesn't matter what you wear now that I've won."
"Ok, back in a sec - I've got a really glamorous outfit all picked out for your acceptance speech," said Harley, hurrying off. Or at least, as much as she could hurry in her heels.
"Mr. Joker, we've got your speech here…" began one of the advisors.
"Skip it, boys – I wanna wing this one," said Joker. "It's gonna come straight from the heart."
"Um…Mr. Joker, it would be a really bad idea to start speaking straight from the heart now that you're president," said the other advisor. "That's not how things work in the government…"
"Well, things are about to change," said Joker, as the speakers began playing his victory song, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." As the packed crowd swayed and sang along with it, Joker looked out at all the smiling faces and beamed. Then he held up his hands for silence.
"Thank you, ladies and gents, boys and girls," he said. "This is a historic occasion, and I'd just like to say a few words. First of all, this confirms what I've always suspected about politics all along, so thank you for proving me right. The whole thing is a complete joke, and my election is a huge gag played on the American people. It shows that people will vote for any clown who says anything. Empty promises, morally bankrupt, criminal past, there is no surefire way to lose an election, short of insulting the voters to their face like Lexy. And even then, he got some votes. Politics is a rigged game where the rules are so complex that there is no way to win it – they make it so you, the people, always lose. There's no such thing as an honest candidate, because the system makes crooks of everyone who runs. The whole point of politics is trying to appear the least crooked, which often makes you the most. The world is, at its heart, a place of violence and chaos, and trying to put anyone in charge of leading that and organizing the chaos is a doomed venture. Nobody can control a country, because a country is made up of people, and nobody can really control people. People are basically crazy, and law and order and society and systems can keep some of them in line, but they'll never be able to do that with all of 'em. So there's really no point to them. They're an illusion to make people feel safe and secure in a world of unpredictability and randomness. But people take these things in and hold 'em close to their heart, and that's the joke, you see. Caring deeply and passionately about a pointless election is a joke. In another four years, you'll have another guy running, and another, and another, and nothing will ever really change. The world will always be random and chaotic, and no authority can change that, not even the President of the United States. Hell, people can't even control their own lives, so what chance has the president got to control millions of 'em? All we can do is enjoy our lives as long as they last, and have some fun with the people who matter. And to me, life is very basic – I have fun by hurting innocents and fighting a guy in a bat costume, and I've missed that being out here on the campaign trail. Life really is that simple when you get down to it – find out what makes you happy, cling onto it, and laugh at the cruel absurdity of the world. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my full-time job of fighting that guy in the bat costume – I'm sure he's missing me. I'm giving up this whole presidency gig right now, because I didn't really want it in the first place. It seems like a lotta work, and the fun wore off a long time ago. It's just too much effort to keep this particular joke going. But I wanted to prove that I could do it, for funsies, and because I knew how much it would annoy Lexy. And before I go, I'll leave you with one final joke, a quote by the comedy genius who is Mel Brooks – 'it ain't no mystery, if it's politics or history, the thing you gotta know is, everything is showbiz!' And nobody does showbiz better than the Clown Prince of Crime! Thank you, and God bless America!"
He headed toward the edge of the stage to shocked silence, and then paused. "Oh wait, almost forgot," he said, returning to the podium. "Victory cigar," he said, reaching into his pocket and lighting a cigar. "Yeah, I know I didn't advertise the fact that I smoked – would have lost me votes. You see how stupid this whole thing is, when people judge you as unfit to run the country just for having a few harmless vices? It's all a PR stunt, and I hate that crap. Why can't you just admit you do bad things, am I right? I sure as hell don't hide my vices – in fact, I'm gonna gas you all right now," he said, pressing a button in his pocket. "See, I'm too honest to be a politician, that's my problem," he sighed, as the room began filling with Joker toxin which had been set up earlier by his henchmen. "Cue the music, boys!" he said, and another henchman turned on "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" again. Joker whistled and sang along to it as he smoked and watched his audience laughing themselves to death. He turned to the still-rolling cameras and shrugged, smiling. "Well, how else did you think this was gonna end?" he asked, winking. "It's me!"
"I'm here, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, striding onto the stage in a gorgeous red and black dress. "In shoes I can actually walk in this time!"
"You're too late, Harl – everyone's dead," said Joker, nodding at the audience.
"Aw, nuts!" she exclaimed, glaring at the crowd of corpses. "They didn't get a chance to see how good I look! And they went to their graves thinking I dressed like that Suicide Slut!"
"No loss, then," said Joker, blowing out a cloud of smoke.
"I guess not," agreed Harley, nodding. "Oooh, is that champagne?" she asked, stepping over bodies to get to the refreshment table.
The door banged open suddenly as Luthor, Mercy, Ivy, Two-Face, and Penguin strode in. "Stop right there, Joker…" began Luthor, but then he looked around at the carnage. "What did you do?" he gasped.
"Released Joker toxin into the crowd, obviously, Lex," retorted Joker. "You need to get your eyes checked before your second term."
"Second term…what are you talking about?" asked Luthor.
"I've abdicated," said Joker, blowing out another cloud of smoke. "Conceded, whatever the technical term is. I've bowed outta the race. You've won. And you've got a whole country who resents you for what you said about them, and who's angry that they were duped by me. So have fun with that," he said, patting him on the back. "These next four years are gonna be a huge pain in the ass for you."
Luthor said nothing, staring at him. Then he raised his fist and punched him hard in the face. "God, I've been wanting to do that for months!" he exclaimed.
"Hey, you can't punch the democratically elected president!" snapped Joker, wiping his bleeding lip.
"Here's what I think of democracy!" shouted Luthor, punching him again. A champagne bottle suddenly broke over his head.
"Hands off, baldy!" shouted Harley Quinn. She was immediately tackled by Poison Ivy, who was immediately tackled by Mercy.
Luthor had attacked Joker again, but Two-Face ripped him away, punching Luthor in the jaw. "Harvey, what are you doing?!" shrieked Ivy, who was grappling with both Mercy and Harley. "You're meant to be on our side!"
"I flipped the coin again and it said different!" shouted Two-Face.
"Thanks, Harv – you're a pal," said Joker, who was suddenly smacked across the back of the head by Penguin's umbrella.
The fight continued to escalate until the Justice League showed up. "Break it up, everyone, break it up!" shouted Superman, trying to separate everybody. "Mr. President, this isn't very presidential!"
"Are you talking to Luthor or Joker?" asked Wonder Woman.
"Both," retorted Superman. "Though Joker's win will be revoked anyway after he's arrested and sent to Arkham, which I'm hoping we can entrust Batman with. Right, Batman? Batman?" he asked, looking around to see Batman pummeling Joker mercilessly. "Batman, proportional amount of force, please!" shouted Superman. "If I did that, people would die!"
"God, how are we going to clean up this mess?" asked Wonder Woman, looking around.
"We aren't," retorted Superman. "We're still staying out of this election. It's our incumbent president's problem to deal with the fallout," he said, smiling at Luthor.
"Smile all you like, Superman," retorted Luthor, who was smiling triumphantly himself despite his wounds. "Covering up messes is what I do best. And since Joker's conceded, that makes me president again by default."
"It's the only way you could ever win anything, Lexy!" chuckled Joker, through bloodied teeth as Batman handcuffed him.
"We'll have to see about that – there's an ongoing investigation into your collaboration with the Injustice League, among other criminal charges," said Superman. "You might be impeached before January. And even if you're not, these next four years are going to be very difficult for a crook like you."
"I am not a crook!" shouted Luthor as he was dragged off by Superman. "I'm the President of the United States!"
"You'd be surprised how often those two things coincide!" chuckled Joker as Batman dragged him toward the Batmobile. "Did you vote for me, Bats?"
"No," retorted Batman. "I knew this whole thing was some sick joke on your part, and if I had seen the punchline coming, I could have saved a lot of innocent lives."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Batsy!" laughed Joker. "They would have probably been victims of some crime or other and died anyway. This is Gotham, after all. Besides, if they were stupid enough to support me as president, I actually did the world a favor by killing 'em. Increased the collective IQ of the gene pool a couple points. Future generations will thank me."
"Future generations will read about this horrible joke of an election and wonder how we let the world come to this," snapped Batman.
"Yeah, but they'll have to live in a world without you and me, so I pity the poor bastards," said Joker, shaking his head. "It'll be a bleak place without any fun. I'd rather have a joke of an election between two criminals than a boring, serious election where people actually have to debate policies and facts and stuff. Although I know that kinda dull, orderly existence appeals to you, Bats – you want a world without crime, after all."
"I want a world where the future of this nation isn't treated like a joke!" snapped Batman.
"Then you're gonna have a long wait, pal," chuckled Joker. "But there's no point in wasting your time by fighting against reality for some idealized vision of the future. You should just sit back and enjoy the ride."
"The day I take advice from a criminal lunatic is the day I'm committed to Arkham," snapped Batman, shoving him inside the Batmobile, where Ivy, Two-Face, Penguin, and Harley were already secured. "So just shut up, Joker."
"Shut up, Mr. President," corrected Joker. "Until they officially revoke the win, that's what I'm gonna insist on being addressed as."
"Look, you can be taken to Arkham conscious or unconscious – it's up to you, Mr. President," said Batman, sarcastically.
"Aw, you said it!" giggled Joker. "I'm gonna be the first president to be committed to a lunatic asylum! Plus the first president with a female, Jewish vice president who's also his girlfriend! I'm just making all sorts of history, Bats!"
"Ain't it great, puddin'?" sighed Harley.
"Mr. President, Harley," snapped Joker.
"Mr. President puddin'," corrected Harley. "Little girls are gonna be born today who will look at my success and think, 'I can be capable of anything – as long as I hook up with a powerful guy, of course.'"
"It's a great, inspirational message, Harl," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, she's a traitor to the female cause for hooking up with the president," growled Two-Face. "I ain't the only two-faced one in this car."
"Shut up, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.
Penguin's phone rang suddenly, and Batman took it off him. "Hello?" he said, answering it. "No, he'll have to call you back – he's currently being arrested. This is Batman. No, I'm not going to answer a riddle, Nygma. Goodbye," he snapped, hanging up and throwing Penguin's phone back at him.
"Seriously, you and Eddie, what's up with that?" asked Joker. "I can make you tell me via an executive order, you know. Or waterboarding. Both are fairly presidential."
"I have nothing to say to you, Joker," snapped Penguin.
"Mr. President," corrected Joker again. "Although I, for one, am actually relieved this election madness is finally over, and we can get back to normal. Which is actual, non-political madness, of course," he said, smiling to himself.
Batman said nothing, gritting his teeth as he drove off. Joker was right about one thing – the world was crazy enough without getting involved in politics.
The End