Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Work Song Nanocluster'; 'The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition'; 'The Guitarist Amplification'; 'The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis'; 'The Peanut Reaction'
xTBBTx
"Alright, what's going on?" Penny said with a smile to the busboy.
"What?" Brad said innocently although he couldn't quite contain his giddiness.
"You've been hovering near my station like a bee. Now give."
Brad rested the dish tray against his hip.
"You mean you don't know who you've been serving?"
Penny looked over at her tables: two elderly men, a family of four, a twenty-something couple.
"Looks normal to me," she shrugged.
Brad indicated the older gentlemen with a subtle nod of his head.
"That's Leonard Nimoy," he said quietly.
"Which one?"
"The one on the right."
"Okay. Next question: who's Leonard Nimoy?"
The young man dropped his jaw.
"'Who's Leonard Nimoy?'" he said incredulously. "You know, Spock."
Again Penny glanced at the older gentleman. Lean with more salt than pepper in his hair and glasses Penny remembered Sheldon mentioning a 'Spock' on that Star Trek show he watched. Betcha that doll on his desk is Spock. Actually, there were quite a few toys in the living room now as if it took Leonard coming to the apartment to give Sheldon permission to personalize his own home.
"I wonder if I could get Sheldon an autograph?" She turned to Brad. "No offence but he's a real Spock nut and—"
"Don't worry about it. I'm planning on taking his silverware," the busboy said with a slight blush. "No telling but I've got a collection of famous people's cutlery at home."
Penny grinned. "Okee then." She got the bill and put it in the billfold and went to the Nimoy table.
"Here is your bill," she said cheerily and set it on the table. "Will you be paying by cash, credit or debit?"
"I'm an old school cash man," Leonard Nimoy replied. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." She paused for a moment. "I realize this is your own time but I was wondering if you'd sign an autograph for my friend?"
Leonard smiled kindly. "You let me eat in peace and asked politely. How can I refuse?" He took his napkin and turned it to the clean side. "Pen?" Penny handed him one from her apron. "What's your friend's name?"
"Sheldon. He's a big fan. He watches Star Trek all the time and has a little you on his desk and he's totally a scientist."
"What kind?" Leonard asked as he wrote.
"A theoretical physicist."
"Spock would approve," he said with a little smile and handed her the napkin and pen.
"Thank you so much," Penny beamed. Leonard then reached for his wallet and slipped two twenties into the billfold. "I'll be right back with your change."
"No need," he replied.
"Thanks again. Have a good afternoon."
Leonard's eyebrow arched as he watched the waitress head back to the kiosk.
"If Nurse Chapel smiled like that Spock wouldn't have had a chance," he said.
XxX
The elevator doors opened and Penny emerged keys in hand only to spot a note on her door. Written in Sheldon's succinct handwriting it let her know that she had a package waiting for her at 4A. She crossed over and knocked out 'shave-and-a-haircut', leaving off the last two knocks. There was a long pause and then came two final knocks from the other side before the door opened to reveal a frowning Sheldon.
"Next time, finish your knock," he said formally and handed her a clipboard and pen.
"I seriously still have to sign for packages?" she said incredulously as she took the proffered items and read over the waiver. "I trust you, you know."
"Ah, if only it was that simple," said Sheldon, causing Penny to roll her eyes.
"Fine." She signed the paper. "Here you are Mr. Grumpypuss. What's with the 'tude anyways?"
"I'm a doctor not a mister and I don't have a ''tude'," he said, making the quotation marks with his fingers. "I'm working on a posit I had started when Ramona was here and I—" A rumble of a low-bass came from Sheldon's ceiling. "And that infernal woman above me keeps interrupting with her surround sound."
"Sorry sweetie. Maybe Leonard or you could go see her and—"
Sheldon pursed his lips as he set his clipboard down on the coffee table and took up Penny's package.
"Oh, Leonard's seeing her right now—apparently he has to install her wifi." Sheldon arched an eyebrow as he handed Penny her box. "You'll note the words 'her wifi'. You might want to look into that sometime." Penny stuck out her tongue.
"Always great talking with you, Sheldon."
"If the topic were trains I would say the same." Again a low rumbling came from above and he looked skyward with a scowl.
"Come on, let's go talk to her" Penny said and Sheldon grabbed his keys from the bowl and locked his door. The two neighbors walked to the stairs and began to climb. "Now remember, be nice."
"When am I rude?" Sheldon replied.
"Hoo boy," Penny sighed.
They got to 5A and Penny knocked at the door.
"You don't abandon your knocks here," Sheldon pointed out only to rub his arm with a scowl as Penny elbowed him lightly.
The door opened and Alicia stood before them in all her thinness and clingy clothing.
Damn she looks good. "Hey," said Penny with mock enthusiasm. "Is Leonard here?"
"Sure. Come in." Alicia held the door so the pair could enter. "Sorry the place is such a mess. You know how it is when you first move in while doing a bunch of photo shoots."
Penny glanced at the apartment with its chic furniture and kickass television and stereo system. There wasn't a magazine out of place.
"No need to apologize," replied Sheldon. "I had to endure Leonard moving in and Penny's apartment is always chaotic."
"Not that chaotic," Penny said, trying to laugh it off.
"I've seen homes hit by tornadoes that look—"
"Anyhoo," Penny cut in. "Sheldon, I believe you have something to say to Leonard?"
"What is it?" asked the short physicist as he was hooking up Alicia's computer.
"I need you to stop what you're doing, undo what you did last night and return to our apartment," Sheldon said evenly.
Leonard cocked his head. "And why should I do that?"
"Because Alicia obviously doesn't understand how the volume control works on her television. Good Lord, in our living room it sounds like we're being buzzed by a jetliner."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Alicia said with wide blue eyes. "Is my tv bothering you?"
"That's what he said," Penny said a tad brusquely.
"Well I like to be on friendly terms with my neighbors," Alicia continued and gave Sheldon a devastating smile.
"Well turning down your television and refraining from jumping up and down on your bed would be helpful for starters," Sheldon said evenly.
"Oh my God, you hear me in bed?" gasped Alicia.
"Up and down, squeak-squawk squeak-squawk. It's relentless," tsked Sheldon. "Really, if you're so hell bent on exercising buy a gym membership."
"Sheldon," Leonard winced. "She doesn't need—never mind."
"I'm going to make noise," Alicia said with a slight frown. "We're in an apartment building so get used to it."
"I'm not sure if the superintendent went over the neighbor relations and responsibilities in the lease but in case he hasn't I'd like to remind you that there is a noise ordinance in order that all residents can enjoy their abodes in relative peace," said Penny. Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "And quit leading Leonard and the rest of the guys on."
"I'm not leading anyone on," Alicia growled as she folded her arms across her chest.
"She's not leading me on," Leonard agreed.
"No, if anything it's his libido trying to deceive his rational mind," said Sheldon.
"Especially since how often have you heard Alicia on the tramp-oline?" Penny asked Leonard. "Doesn't mean she's gonna sleep with you too."
"That's correct," said Sheldon. "After all, Penny's had well over twenty lovers and yet she turned you down," he pointed out to his roommate.
"Sheldon!" Penny gasped.
"And you call me a tramp?" Alicia laughed harshly.
Penny thrust her package in Sheldon's hands and approached the other woman.
"Listen lady, these are my friends and you're gonna back off."
"Your friends?" Alicia said with a smarmy smile. "Give me a break. So they do stuff for me. They're happy. I get stuff. Who cares?"
"I care," growled Penny.
"Sure you do. You're just like me: showing a little attention and t-and-a to get what you want. Like you really give a rat's ass about them."
Penny's eyes narrowed. "You're way out of line."
"Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?" snapped Alicia.
Penny came nose to nose with the woman and at the sound of an imaginary bell they began to scrap. Sheldon stayed where he was at the door and Leonard put down the wifi unit and came to join him.
"I'm not sure of the protocol," said Sheldon as he watched the two women rolling around the floor pulling hair, cursing and tossing wild punches. "I've never intervened in an altercation before. Usually I'm the one being assaulted."
"Break it up," Leonard said. The women kept fighting. "Well, we tried."
Sheldon pursed his lips. He set down Penny's package and took a step forward.
"Alright ladies, that's enough," he said with two sharp claps of the hand. "Penny! Alicia! Enough!" He turned to his roommate. "Leonard, grab Penny."
Leonard came over and the two men pried the Nebraskan off of Alicia. Like a cat Alicia sprang up and tossed a haymaker. Sheldon tried to shield Penny and in that moment felt a crack to his nose and searing pain. Immediately he let go of Penny and cupped his nose.
"She hit me!" he garbled
Immediately the room came to a standstill.
Sheldon pulled his hands away from his nose.
"I'm bleeding!" he gasped and promptly fainted.
"Oh balls," grumbled Penny who went to her knees. "Come on sweetie," she said softly. "Sheldon, you've gotta get up." His eyes fluttered and then he frowned in pain. Penny hooked his arm and slowly got him to his feet. "Let's get you to a doctor."
"God, I'm sorry," said Alicia. Penny glared at her but said nothing as she led Sheldon to the door.
Leonard picked up Penny's package and went to follow them out before turning to Alicia.
"You might want to call someone about the wifi," he said. "And for the record Penny is our friend." He paused. "And welcome to the building." He closed the door behind him.
xTBBTx
After her shower Penny put on her comfy fleece pants and red tank top and flip-flopped her way to the living room. She looked over her work station and prepared for a night of labor when Sheldon came to mind.
"Should really look in on the guy," she said and went to his apartment. She knocked, this time adding the last two knocks to her routine. Sheldon opened the door and Penny did her best not to wince at the amount of bruising on his face and the bandage across his nose.
"Hey," she said. "Just checking in to see how you are."
"Alive," he said somewhat nasally.
"Alive is good," she agreed. "So how was work?"
"Tedious. I was inundated with questions concerning my appearance."
"It happens when people care, y'know."
Sheldon snorted. "Hardly. Apparently their interest was to know who had 'snapped' for the purpose of congratulating him or her."
"Seriously?" Penny said incredulously.
"It doesn't matter," Sheldon said with a shrug. "It's not like I haven't experienced this before."
Penny folded her arms across her chest. "Yeah but this isn't primary school."
"I was similarly harassed in university when I was finishing my second doctorate. Fortunately I was shielded from bullying for my first four years of post-primary education."
"Sorry sweetie." Again he shrugged.
"It's my destiny to be a misunderstood giant among men," Sheldon sighed.
"And don't forget humble," Penny said with a crooked smile.
"Penny, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true," he tsked.
"Okay genius I'll let you get back to your geniusing ways." She caught the slight pursing of his lips and grinned in response. "'Night."
"Penny." She turned to the physicist who glanced briefly at the ground before affixing his stare to her shoulder. "How's your eye?"
"Better after the ice and Tylenol," Penny said. "The shiner really gave me a boost at work. I got a lot of 'pity tips'."
"Well I don't recommend repeating the battered look."
"What's with battered? These are battle wounds, mister."
"Doctor."
Penny winked at him and walked back to her door.
"Penny."
She turned around. "Yeeos?"
"Thank you for looking in on me," he said earnestly.
"It's what friends do."
"Aside from involving each other in brawls," he amended.
"Rough with the smooth, Sheldon." Here she smiled. "Thanks for having my back."
"It was either that or bailing you out of jail." Sheldon slipped out of his apartment slippers and put on his hallway ones before closing the apartment door behind him.
"Hey, she hit me first," Penny sniffed.
"Regardless, you'd both be in jail for assault." Sheldon followed his neighbor to her apartment door. "Although I suppose it would have provided you experience should you be offered a jailhouse role."
"Yeah yeah." Penny sat down on her couch. Sheldon noticed the containers of sparkly stuff and a glue gun.
"What are you doing?"
"Making Penny Blossoms," she said proudly as she held up a sparkly flower barrette.
"For what purpose?"
"I need extra pocket money for Christmas."
Sheldon snorted derisively.
"What?" Penny said with a frown as she took up her glue gun and commenced assembling a barrette. "I thought you'd approve of me not going into debt."
"I fail to see how making hair accessories is in any way a viable sideline."
"Well, Dr. Smartiboots I met this lady who runs a shop in Old Town and she wanted to sell my Penny Blossoms and in one week I made a hundred and fifty six dollars."
"I see." Sheldon observed her working away. "How many barrettes do you make per day?"
"About twenty."
"And how much profit do you make off each Penny Blossom?"
"I'm not sure. About fifty cents, I guess," she shrugged.
Sheldon sighed. "First of all you're hardly going to make a viable business if you're guess-and-by-gollying your numbers."
"It's not a business. It's just a few bucks in my pocket," Penny countered and then paused. "Unless you think this could be a business?"
"At ten dollars a day times five days a week times fifty two weeks a year your before taxes profit would be two thousand six hundred dollars."
Penny's eyes widened in shock. "Why do I have to pay taxes?"
"It's income. Besides I'm sure your shopkeeper will have you on her books so it's in your best interest to keep the IRS apprised of your little endeavor."
"Damn," Penny sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I can't even buy a break."
"Based on your income from waitressing I believe you're still under the poverty threshold so an additional source of income shouldn't push you into the next tax bracket," Sheldon said evenly.
"Thanks for reminding me," she grumped.
"You're welcome." Silence save the sounds of Penny working. "Of course you'd never need the extra money if you didn't participate in Saturnalia."
Penny cocked an eyebrow. "Satur-what?"
Sheldon clasped his hands behind his back. "In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree."
"Oh. Well, all I know is that I have to get my pagan ass back to Nebraska so we can carve up a bird and pass out presents."
"Which I'm sure are bound to be disappointing."
"Hey, it's the thought that counts."
"Oh really? Then tell me what thought was behind my parents giving me a motorized dirt bike when I was twelve?"
"Oh my God, they didn't!"
"They did!" He paused to ponder her smile. "Your sarcasm is noted," he said huffily. "And FYI I wanted a titanium centrifuge so I could separate radioactive isotopes."
"Maybe Walmart was out," Penny chuckled.
"Walmart doesn't sell centrifuges."
"Sarcasm, Sheldon."
"And on that note," he said with a frown.
"Aw, don't go. It makes the time pass with you jibber-jabbering."
"I don't 'jibber-jabber' I converse."
"Eh, potAto potAHto. Anyhoo you're welcome to stay if you've got nothing else to do."
"I'm a physicist. I've always got something to do," Sheldon sniffed.
Penny glanced at her neighbor. "Okay, so what are you doing?"
"I'm working on a problem even as we speak."
"So how's it going?"
"It's going," he replied with a twitchy mouth.
"Maybe you need a break," Penny suggested.
"Yes." A thought came to him. "Perhaps I should do something menial."
"You can always roll up your sleeves and give me a hand," she offered.
"I suppose I could clean your apartment."
"You're not cleaning my apartment," she said firmly. "Come on, you can help me with the Penny Blossoms."
"Why should I assist?" he asked, puzzled. "You're doing it wrong."
"How am I doing it wrong?" Penny replied testily. "It's just putting together a bunch of barrettes."
"Where do I even begin?" Sheldon tsked. "Let me get my glue gun and I'll show you how to optimize your manufacturing process." He returned to his apartment.
"Not one of my better ideas," Penny said to herself.
XxX
Leonard put in the new garbage bag in the kitchen receptacle before taking the full one and proceeding to the door. As soon as he opened it he was inundated with the sound of Penny and Sheldon singing away to what he thought was a sea shanty.
He went to her door and listened.
"That spanking full-rigger to New York was bound," sang Sheldon.
"Way hey blow the man down," Penny joined in.
"She was very well manned and very well found."
"Give me some time to blow the man down!" they chorused.
Leonard smirked as he backed away.
"I'm not even going to ask," he chuckled and went to the garbage room.
xTBBTx
"Son of a bitch," a wide-eyed Howard cooed as he stared incredulously at Raj's laptop.
"Whatever," Raj replied listlessly as he took a big gulp of beer before slumping dejectedly on his couch. He knew it wasn't a competition but damn it all this wasn't supposed to happen!
"Who is she?" continued the engineer as his eyes scanned the email.
"Amy Farrah Fowler," sighed Raj. "Or the Jeopardy answer to 'who'd be weird enough to answer Sheldon's personal ad?'"
"The chances of the two of them being on the same site are astronomical."
"Ask Sheldon. He could probably do the math."
Howard chuckled. "Listen to this: 'Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.'"
"How come Sheldon has a soul mate and I don't?" groaned Raj.
"Probably because he doesn't whine," Howard replied distractedly as he began to type. "Uh oh, she wants to meet Sheldon."
Raj sat up. "What do we do?" Howard looked at his friend.
"They have to meet. This is nothing short of destiny."
"Or a catastrophe," the astrophysicist warned. "You know Sheldon doesn't have a deal."
"I don't know about that," shrugged Howard. "Leonard thinks he might have the hots for Penny, remember?"
"Well who doesn't?" Raj took a swig of beer. "Okay, if he has a thing for Penny why would he be interested in Amy?"
"Two reasons," Howard said as he typed the return message to Amy. "One, Sheldon is a nerd. King of the Nerds. Penny would never be interested in a nerd. Ergo she'd never be interested in Sheldon. Two, since he hasn't said anything to her he's obviously smart enough to know that."
"Okay, so then why do you keep hitting on Penny?" asked Raj.
"Because I'm a romantic," Howard said earnestly. Raj rolled his eyes. "There. Amy wants to meet at six tonight. I've suggested a local coffee shop so we'll see where it goes."
Raj drained his beer and set the bottle on the coffee table. "I wonder what Amy's like?"
"We'll find out at six." Howard leaned back and indicated the return email on the screen with his hand. "Operation: Bride of Frankenstein is a go."
"God help us," Raj breathed.
"Now all we have to do is animate Sheldon," said Howard as he closed the laptop and the two men got off the couch.
XxX
Sheldon closed his mailbox and turned to see a tall man with long stringy black hair wearing a goatee and moustache enter the building carrying an amplifier and a guitar case. On his back was a blue hiker's pack.
"Hey, man, you know which apartment's Penny's?" the man asked.
Immediately Sheldon straightened. "She resides on the fourth floor."
"That's right, 4B." Sheldon pressed the elevator button. "The address is in my pocket."
The elevator doors opened and the two men entered. Sheldon pressed the floor button and the pair rode in silence.
When the elevator arrived Sheldon got out first and proceeded to his door. He took his time fishing out his keys and turned his head inconspicuously to see the man as he put down his amplifier and knocked at Penny's door. A moment and then it opened and Penny let out a joyous squeal.
"Justin! Oh my God!" Her arms were around his neck and she let out another happy squeal.
Sheldon unlocked his door and entered his apartment.
"Obviously they're acquainted," he said evenly as he took off his shoes and sprayed his feet.
"Is this everything?" asked Penny from the hall.
"Have guitar, will travel," said this 'Justin' before Penny's door closed.
Sheldon picked up his shoes and went to his room.
XxX
"So how was your trip?" gushed Penny as she waited for Justin to set down his gear.
"Good, good." He laughed softly as again she hugged him. "Thanks for letting me stay."
"No problem." Here she mock-frowned and waggled a finger. "Only you pull a Christie and you're out of here."
"Christie? You mean Christie Jacobs?"
"Yup," said Penny. "She packed a bag, came out here and proceeded to whore herself with my neighbor's friend. On. My. Bed."
"Well at least she's consistent," Justin chuckled.
"Yu-P," she replied with a roll of the eyes. "Enough of eww. So what's going on with you?"
"Totally got a session tomorrow morning at eight."
"That's awesome!" Penny ventured to the kitchen. "Well you can practice here while I get dinner."
"Just like the old times," said Justin as he unzipped his guitar. "Well, except for skipping the aftersex."
"Christie," Penny warned with a smile on her face.
"So how long she last?"
"One night."
Justin mock-winced. "That's harsh."
"She got my Care Bears sweaty," Penny said as she pulled out a pot from the cupboard.
"Oh, well, when you put it that way," he laughed.
"Shut your pie hole and play," Penny chuckled.
XxX
Raj and Howard exited the elevator to the sound of guitar music coming from Penny's apartment.
"Sounds live," mused Raj as Howard knocked at 4A. "I never knew Penny could play?"
"She can play me all night long," chuckled Howard just as the door opened to reveal Sheldon.
"Leonard's not here," he said evenly.
"That's ok. We're here to talk to you."
"Oh. Alright." Sheldon let them in and glared at Penny's door before closing his own.
"Penny having a party?" asked Raj as he sprayed the bottoms of his shoes.
"No, her guest has a guitar," replied Sheldon stiffly as he returned to his computer chair.
"Cool. Male guest or female guest?" Howard inquired innocently.
"Male."
"Man, I can't even buy a break," tsked the engineer. "Anyways, on to business. Raj and I were on a dating website and for the hell of it we entered your vitals into the system and it spit out a match."
Sheldon took a moment to process the information. "Psh," he said at last.
"It's true," said Raj as he sat on the arm of the couch. "Her name's Amy Farrah Fowler and she wants to meet you."
"If she was a match for me she wouldn't be on a dating website," sniffed Sheldon as he resumed reading his article on the laptop.
"Come on Sheldon, give her a chance."
"No."
"Does this have to do with Penny?" asked Howard as his finger rimmed the edge of the key bowl in an attempt to appear nonchalant.
"This has to do with the mass delusion that a computer algorithm can determine compatibility," Sheldon said with a scowl.
"Think of it as scientific inquiry," offered Raj.
"Again, no." The guitar stopped and Penny and Justin's laugh came across the hall. The guitar playing resumed.
"Well, I suppose we can all sit here and listen to the guy seduce Penny with his guitar," shrugged Howard.
"What makes you think he's seducing her?" said Sheldon crisply as he did his best to concentrate on the article he was reading. "Perhaps she hired a minstrel."
"Sheldon, when a guy with a guitar comes over to a woman's apartment it isn't to sing children's songs." Howard made a 'baw-chok-a-chok-a-baw-baw' sound as he plucked at an air guitar.
Again the laughter from the apartment.
Sheldon pursed his lips and closed his laptop. "Let's go."
XxX
"What's the protocol?" asked Sheldon as Raj, Howard and he got out of the astrophysicist's car.
"No biggie," soothed Howard. "Just say hi, buy a couple of coffees, sit down and chat."
"But I don't drink coffee," replied Sheldon. "Nor do I sit in unfamiliar restaurants or cafés." His mouth twitched. "And I don't chat." Howard looked helplessly at Raj.
"How about this," said Raj. "Buy Amy and yourself a beverage, choose the best table available and converse."
"The month has an 'r' in it. I'll have a hot chocolate."
"Whatever floats your boat," said Howard as he opened the door and indicated with his hand that Sheldon should enter.
"Well for a boat to float the chocolate would have to be hot," the physicist replied as he stepped into the café followed by his companions. He came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. "So, in a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you—"
"Sheldon Cooper?" said a woman's voice. All three men turned to see a woman with shoulder length straight brown hair wearing glasses and a striped cardigan over two other shirts and a three quarter length denim skirt with dark hosiery beneath.
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper." he amended.
"I'm Amy Farrah Fowler."
"I see. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely." He cocked his head. "You wouldn't also by chance believe in psychic phenomena?"
"I find your line of inquiry baffling," she replied evenly. "While I'm not opposed to the idea of a deity I find other potential sources of metahuman ability to be balderdash at best and out and out fraud at worst."
"I already have a 'Holy-roller' mother in my life," Sheldon warned. "So if you're going to 'Praise the Lord on High' you've found the wrong conversational companion."
"Whoa a minute. Who said anything about you being a companion, conversational or otherwise?" Amy narrowed her eyes. "I'm not one to be taken and ravished. I was expecting to meet an intellectual equal. You're not like your profile."
"I should think so given that I didn't write it," agreed Sheldon. "This was a juvenile attempt by my so-called friends to introduce me to you, my supposed 'match'. But of course the website's ability to create sound pairings is as precise as communicating with the dead or predicting the future." He shook his head. "Instead of telling me the butler did it in the library with the candlestick I'm given the vague answer that the killer is a mammal," he tutted as he turned to Howard. "We might as well continue our discussion about floating on chocolate."
"I'm still up in the air about that one," Howard said neutrally as he tried not to wither under Amy's gaze.
"I see." Sheldon turned to the newcomer. "Amy?"
"It depends," she said seriously. "Solid chocolate would obviously keep you on the surface and semi-melted would have the consistency of quicksand. Extremely hot chocolate would be liquid enough to promote buoyancy while simultaneously being an uncomfortable place to stay in for any length of time."
"More importantly, the question would be why someone would be in a vat of chocolate unless he was a rat," Sheldon continued. "Then the bigger question would be where is the FDA inspection team and why hasn't the facility been shut down?"
Silence.
"May I buy you a beverage?" asked Amy.
"Alright," Sheldon replied.
The pair went to the counter.
"They're alive! Alive! Alive!" Howard cackled softly to Raj.
"We may have doomed the human race," Raj whispered back.
xTBBTx
Justin finished drying his hands and cut through Penny's bedroom into the living room. He could smell the Chinese food but didn't see any sign of it.
"Where's the Chinese?" he asked.
"Across the hall," replied Penny as she tucked her hair into a pony tail. "Sheldon always orders Chinese food on Fridays. Oh, and he texted me the cost of our order. I'll cover this week and you'll get next week."
"Deal." The pair exited her apartment and crossed the hall. Penny knocked her incomplete shave-and-a-haircut and entered.
"Hey guys," she said brightly.
"Hi Penny," said Leonard from his chair. Sheldon knocked twice on the fridge door before opening it to get the bottled waters.
Penny turned to Justin. "Take off your shoes and spray your feet."
"You can just spray the bottoms of your shoes," Leonard amended. "It's okay." Sheldon snorted. "You know we had an agreement about this at the weekly roommate meeting."
"No, we had a discussion about it," countered Sheldon. "You proposed. I countered. By right of the Roommate Agreement I settle all ties ergo the point should be moot."
"No worries," said Justin as he slipped out of his Adidas shoes and sprayed his feet. He set the can down and proceeded to the couch. "Hey," he said to Howard and Raj.
"'Sup?" Howard said in a 'yo' kind of voice. Raj for his part gave a thumbs up.
Justin slid by the pair and went to sit at the far end.
"No!" Leonard, Howard and Penny blurted, causing the man to freeze.
"What?" asked the musician.
"That's where Sheldon sits," explained Leonard.
"Sure," Justin said after a slight pause.
Howard smiled. "It's alright." He turned to Raj. "Can you move for a sec?" The astrophysicist obliged. "You can sit here," he said to Justin and moved to where Raj had been. For his part Raj put out a 'what the hell?' look of shock. "Raj, he's a guest." Raj pointed at Sheldon and Leonard. "Leonard sits there because he bought his chair and Sheldon gets his spot because he's crazy."
"I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested," Sheldon said automatically as he came to the coffee table and set down the bottled waters before taking his seat.
"So anyways," said Penny as she wheeled over Sheldon's computer chair beside Leonard and sat. "Justin, this is Leonard, Sheldon, Howard and the mute guy's Raj."
"What brings you to Pasadena?" asked Leonard as he handed Justin his food packet.
"Looking for session work," Justin replied. "I'm a musician."
"Leonard's also a musician," said Penny as she popped open her own food container.
"I dabble with the cello," the physicist said shyly.
"Cool stuff," replied Justin. "I'm a guitarist by trade but I also fool around on the piano when I can."
"I try to fool around just about anywhere," chuckled Howard.
Penny rolled her eyes. "Never noticed, Howard."
"Perhaps I'm being too subtle."
"At-At Walkers are more subtle than you," said Sheldon before taking a bite of chicken.
Justin cocked his head. "What's that?"
"The giant combat troop transporters the Imperial Army used on the frozen planet of Hoth in The Empire Strikes Back," explained Leonard.
Justin brightened. "Oh you mean the mechanical dinosaurs in the snow that Luke and the pilot dudes had to take down." Sheldon rolled his eyes.
"That's right," replied Leonard.
"On what planet is he right?" scoffed Sheldon.
"Be nice," Penny said as she pointed a fork at the lanky physicist.
"You keep insisting I'm impolite," frowned Sheldon. "Your houseguest's description of those 'pilot dudes' hardly justifies the Rebel Army's evacuation efforts from Hoth and the subsequent loss of life."
"So how did you swing that houseguest thing?" Howard asked Justin.
"I've known Justin for years back in Omaha," replied Penny as she talked with her mouth full.
"We used to go out," Justin added.
Leonard noted Sheldon's back straighten but the lanky man said nothing.
"But of course you're not going out now," Leonard clarified.
"God no," Penny laughed. "And it's not like we ever really went out. We just saw each other for a while." Howard made to speak. "Not a word," she admonished.
"I was only seeking clarification," the engineer said. "But I can infer with the best of them."
"Ah," said Sheldon after a moment to process. "So you engaged in coitus."
"Coitus?" chuckled Justin.
"That was in the past," Penny said quickly.
"But you're seeing each other now," Sheldon continued. "If, as you suggest, there was no pronounced paradigm shift from friends to coital partners how could Justin not expect the same to continue since you 'see' each other every day?"
"We're not sleeping together, Sheldon!" Penny said adamantly.
"Let's change the subject shall we?" Leonard said nervously.
"Oh, I've got one," said Howard excitedly. "We've met Sheldon's soul mate."
Penny stopped chewing and glanced at Sheldon.
"Howard, we've all met my mother," replied Leonard.
The engineer shook his head. "Not her. Amy Farrah Fowler. We all went to meet her and she really hit it off with Sheldon."
"Amy and I share similarities but I wouldn't say we 'hit it off'," amended Sheldon. "You make us sound like a baseball game."
"Come on, Sheldon. How many times have you given your number to a woman you just met?" prodded Howard.
"She was interested in my research."
"You talked about chocolate, psychics and the origin of the spatula."
"Wait, you talked about psychics?" gasped Penny.
"She even used the same word Sheldon uses." Howard made his face go blank. "'Psychic phenomena are unabashed hokum.'" He grinned. "Like I said, they're a perfect match."
"Wow," Penny said neutrally before taking a sip of her water. Justin noted her funny look but said nothing.
Leonard looked to his roommate who stirred his chicken satay with his chopsticks in an agitated fashion.
"Well sometimes opposites can attract too, y'know," Leonard said slowly. "We know this from basic magnetism."
Howard pshed. "Only in science, my friend. Trust me, when it comes to dating like likes like." Raj leaned over and whispered in his ear. Howard rolled his eyes. "'The heart wants what it wants'? You delusional bastard."
"No, what's delusional is my involvement in such an inane point of discussion," Sheldon tutted. "New topic: Enterprise versus Star Destroyer. Discuss."
"Of course the Star Destroyer would crush the Enterprise," said Leonard. "The sheer size difference alone plus the swarm of Tie Fighters would make mince meat of the Enterprise."
"I disagree," said Sheldon. "While there is a size difference the Enterprise has superior shield capabilities and maneuverability. More importantly, Star Fleet officers are rigorously trained and only the best and brightest become captains as opposed to Star Destroyer commanders whose qualifications are a combination of being next in command after Darth Vader kills off your superior and rating higher than 'Storm Trooper' on an aptitude test."
As the conversation went back and forth Justin glanced at Penny who gave a half shrug.
"You get used to it," she said before taking another forkful of food.
XxX
"What time are you getting up tomorrow?" asked Penny as she came out of her bedroom in her red sleep shorts and pink tank top.
"Seven," replied Justin as he lay out his blankets on her couch. "Gotta be at the studio by ten."
"Okay, well I won't be up so—"
"Obviously. It's before noon."
She stuck out her tongue. "Just keep it down, smartiboots. 'Night."
"So you and Sheldon, huh?"
Penny froze before turning in the doorway to her friend.
"Excuse me?" she asked, flushing.
"Come off it, Pen. You practically had a stroke when Howard mentioned this Amy chick," said Justin as he fluffed his pillow a couple of times before tossing it on the couch.
"It just took me by surprise," Penny countered. "I mean I didn't think he was the type to give a girl his number, y'know?"
"Do you have his number?"
"Yeah."
Justin smiled. "Well there ya go."
Penny leaned against the doorway. "Justin, he was sick and he needed someone to care for him." Here she frowned. "Why are we talking about this anyways?"
"Because I'm wondering when 'Big Ol' Five' is gonna put the moves on him."
"He's not into that," Penny countered. Her shoulders slumped. "Apparently he's into Amy."
"They just met. Sheldon doesn't seem the type to believe in the love at first sight crap." Justin chuckled. "I mean they talked about spatulas for Christ's sake."
"In Sheldonese that could be foreplay," said Penny.
Justin took off his shirt and slipped under the covers. "Well I don't know Sheldonese but I know enough to know when a dude's asking a chick if she's banging another guy it means he's interested."
Silence.
"You think so?" Penny said quietly.
"Yu-P." More silence. "You gonna explain to me how a cheerleader's got the hots for the Star Wars geek?"
"I don't have the hots for Sheldon," she scoffed. "All I know is that he's really different." Pause. "I don't want to scare him off."
"Well whatever you're doing you've got his attention," said Justin as he put an arm under his pillow. "The question is what are you going to do with it?"
"Yeah." Penny made to close her door.
"Pen."
"Yeah?"
"Be sure you want this 'cause you'll fuck him up if you don't."
She closed the door leaving Justin in darkness.
xTBBTx
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