Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Jiminy Conjecture'; 'The Desperation Emanation'; 'The White Asparagus Triangulation'; 'The Robot Manipulation'; 'The Adhesive Duck Deficiency'; 'The Jerusalem Duality'
Reference to: 'The Bozeman Reaction'; 'The Lizard-Spock Expansion'
xTBBTx
"You were awesome," Penny grinned at Justin as the pair rode the elevator to her floor.
"Thanks," he replied. "The guys I met at the studio were awesome to let me jam with them at the club before the show." He smiled at Penny. "Doubt I'll be an 'A' list musician but I think I can pull off this session work life."
"Oh, don't sell yourself short. You're totally talented."
The elevator doors opened and in front was Leonard and Raj looking around the floor.
"Lose something?" asked Penny as both she and Justin scanned the floor as they tentatively stepped out.
"A cricket," Leonard replied distractedly.
"Sheldon doing another experiment or something?" Penny pulled out her keys and went to her door.
"It's a bet," said Howard from the upper stairwell, making Penny jump.
"Crap Howard!"
"Let the record show that I gave you a thrill," he teased as he came down the stairs. "No cricket up there," he said to Leonard.
"You bet to see who catches it first?" asked Justin.
"Hardly," sniffed Sheldon as he came down the hallway towards his apartment. "Howard and I have a bet as to the species of the cricket. Whereas he believes it's a common field cricket, from the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in the apartment I know it has to be a snowy tree cricket. It's not down here by the way."
Justin was amazed. "How do you know that?"
At once Leonard and Howard groaned. For his part Sheldon seemed to rise in stature and his hands clasped behind his back.
"In eighteen ninety, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets."
"Anyways, it must be down the elevator shaft," said Leonard.
"Wait, we haven't ruled out Penny's apartment," said Howard. "I'll check her bedroom."
"Nice try, Howard," the waitress chuckled and opened the door for Justin so he could move in his guitar and amplifier. The musician stepped in and stopped.
"Found it," he said with a bit of a laugh.
"Really?" said Penny. "How can you see it without the lights?" She slid past him and flicked the switch.
"Don't need a light when it made a nice crunching sound under my shoe."
"Quick, man, your shoe!" demanded Sheldon.
"Sheldon, he's not giving you his shoe," Penny said firmly.
"But it's the only way we'll know for sure what it is," the physicist protested.
"I'll tell you what it is: it's dead."
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Your inquisitive nature leaves a lot to be desired."
"As does your whacked need to be right about everything," Penny countered.
"Well to be fair there is a thousand dollar comic book on the line," said Howard as the four scientists gathered around the entrance to Penny's apartment.
"A thousand bucks for a comic book?" gasped Penny.
"Action Comics number one, the first appearance of Superman, is valued at more than two point eight million," said Sheldon.
"Can you believe that?" she asked Justin.
"You're talking to a person who'd give his eyeteeth to own a nineteen forty nine Fender Broadcaster guitar for only three hundred and seventy thousand bucks," he grinned.
"You're all weirdoes," Penny chuckled as she set down her purse on the counter.
"So how was practice?" Leonard asked Justin.
"Wasn't a practice. I had a pre-gig gig and Penny came with me." He eyed Sheldon. "Tried to invite ya but you weren't around."
"Not that I would have gone," replied the lanky physicist. "I sometimes find the typical conversation level of sixty to seventy decibels too loud for comfort."
"That's only when you hear things that contradict you," snorted Howard, garnering a glare.
"Too bad. There's this totally happening jazz bar in Weller Court you should check out," said Justin as he sat on the couch.
Raj whispered into Howard's ear.
"The Blue Whale?" Howard interpreted.
"Totally. Actually Dragan Rusic is playing tonight and he's totally a sick contemporary artist. You should check him out," said Justin. "I'd go but I've got a session tomorrow morning at eight."
"Well it's nine now," said Leonard as he checked his watch.
"You could always do an autopsy on ol' Jiminy here," Penny smirked.
Howard, Raj and Leonard looked at each other.
They all gave a 'see ya' and went to the elevator leaving Sheldon standing at the door.
"What's up buttercup?" asked Penny.
"I'm waiting for the cricket corpse so I can do an 'autopsy'," said Sheldon evenly.
"It was a joke, Sheldon."
"No, it was an option. Raj, Howard and Leonard declined. I accepted." He stuck out his hand. "The corpse."
"No worries," said Justin as he unlaced his shoe and slid it off. He turned it upside down and grimaced. "Dunno what you're gonna get from that."
"Fortunately I have a standing magnifying glass, scalpels and micro tweezers," said Sheldon as he crossed over and took the shoe.
"If an option is what you need I can give you another one," said Penny. "You can come here and hang out with us." She glanced at Justin and gave him a 'help me out' look.
"Totally," Justin agreed.
Sheldon checked his watch "I have an engagement with Amy Farrah Fowler at nine thirty via Skype." He raised an eyebrow in thought. "As a doctor in biology perhaps she could assist me with the dissection."
"Amy's a doctor?" Penny's stomach dropped.
"A neurobiologist. Inferior to theoretical physics but I suppose someone has to take up the softer sciences." He glanced at Justin's shoulder. "I'll have your shoe back shortly."
"A doctor, too," sighed Penny after Sheldon left.
"It's no biggie," Justin said encouragingly although he felt less than sure. "I mean my dad's a mechanic and my mom's a nurse. People come together because they like each other not what they do." He snorted. "Well unless he's a millionaire and she's a gold digger." He noted Penny's downcast look. "If you want to skip the misery you can always ask him out."
"I dunno if I want to go out with him," she said honestly. "But at the same time the thought of him going out with this Amy chick makes me want to…."
"Want to…."
Penny gave him a grim smile before she got up and went to her bedroom.
A few minutes later Sheldon appeared at the open door wearing latex gloves and carrying Justin's shoe.
Knock Knock Knock "Justin."
"Just put it by the door," the musician said as he was in the middle of making his bed on the couch.
Knock Knock Knock "Justin."
Justin looked up to see Sheldon standing at the apartment's threshold.
"You okay?"
"Of course I'm okay," Sheldon said dismissively. He gave three quiet knocks and mumbled Justin's name before taking a step into the apartment. "Where's your other shoe?"
"Over here," replied Justin as he indicated the shoe by the head of the couch.
"Then why did you want me to put this one by the door? Good Lord, they're sold as a pair." Sheldon crossed over and placed the shoes together. He stood and glanced around the apartment. "Good night," he said and turned to go.
"Wait, you wanna say goodnight to Penny?" asked Justin.
"Amy is waiting," replied Sheldon. "Besides, Penny isn't in my immediate vicinity and I refuse to shout." The physicist exited and closed the door.
A frown covered Justin's forehead as he stared at the door.
"No good can come of this," he muttered.
XxX
Leonard turned the lock and entered 4A. Sheldon was on the couch reading a magazine.
"Any luck with the cricket?" Leonard slipped off his shoes and set them to the right of the door.
"No," replied Sheldon as he read. "Unfortunately its exoskeleton was too badly crushed for a proper identification and there isn't enough available data on smushed internal cricket anatomy."
"Imagine that," said Leonard. He went to the couch and flopped down. "Well my night was absolutely bizarre." Silence. "Sheldon," he prompted.
"Oh, you wish to engage in social blather," replied the lanky physicist as he put down his particle physics magazine. He stared intently at his roommate's shoulder. "So how was your night?"
"Weird," Leonard said awkwardly. And getting weirder yet…. "Howard actually picked up a woman."
"I'm impressed. I never would have thought Howard capable of lifting a six year old child much less an adult."
"No, I mean he engaged in a social exchange that resulted in his leaving the bar with a woman potentially for the purpose of coitus."
Sheldon thought about it before snorting. "That's even less likely."
"And she was pretty, too." Leonard sighed. "Sheldon, what's wrong with me?"
"Well, apart from being myopic, you're short, lactose intolerant, an experimental physicist—"
"Okay Sheldon." Silence. "I mean I'm a nice guy. I'm a hell of a lot less creepy than Howard and yet he's getting laid and I'm home with you."
"Leonard, if you're asking me to engage in coitus I must decline," Sheldon said evenly.
"What?! I wasn't asking to sleep with you," stammered Leonard. "I just meant that I'm here alone with you—in a hetero sense—instead of with a woman."
"Perhaps you stink," said a woman's voice from across the room.
"Who the hell's that?" asked Leonard as he sat up on the couch and squinted at the open laptop on Sheldon's desk.
"Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon answered.
"O-kay. So why is the laptop over there. Shouldn't you be chatting or something?"
"I was conducting a dissection on the coffee table so there wasn't room for the laptop."
"But you're not dissecting now," Leonard said exasperatedly.
"His propensity for vulgar language and stating the obvious may be further reasons why he's been unable to pair-bond with a woman," said Amy.
"I'm not vulgar," Leonard countered. "You just startled me."
"Ah," nodded Amy. "I engaged you amygdala. Earlier studies have shown that unlike normal language, which relies on the outer few millimeters in the left hemisphere of the brain, expletives hinge on evolutionarily ancient structures buried deep inside the right half."
"Uh, sure," said Leonard.
"Amy's a neurobiologist," explained Sheldon.
"She'd have to be," sighed Leonard as visions of his mother came to mind.
Amy cocked her head. "From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation."
"I don't stink," Leonard countered adamantly.
"Aside from an inordinate amount of hair gel his hygiene practices are adequate," agreed Sheldon.
"Yes, but you're not searching for a suitable male to fertilize your eggs," said Amy. "Were such a state hypothetically to occur you might have a different appraisal of your roommate."
Sheldon nodded. "So I'm not the best candidate for this. I'll go ask Penny if you smell funny," he said and made to get off the couch.
"No!" blurted Leonard. "It's okay. I'll just be alone forever." His phone rang and he answered. "Hello?"
"A sound decision," said Sheldon.
"Just hang on a sec, Howard…You what?!...Okay, we'll be right there." Leonard hung up. "Sheldon we have a Defcon situation."
"Oh alright." Sheldon turned to the laptop. "Amy, apparently Howard is suggesting we have a nuclear situation."
"That doesn't interest me," replied the neurobiologist. "Goodnight, Sheldon Cooper." The laptop screen went black.
"So what's the situation?" asked Sheldon as he got up from the couch and proceeded to get his tan jacket from the back of his computer chair.
"He was kinda general," said Leonard while slipping into his running shoes. "Something about getting the Mars Rover stuck or something like that."
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "That sounds very specific—and illegal."
"Let's just find out what it is."
"Leonard, my mother warned me about associating with a bad crowd and engaging in illegal activities," said Sheldon as he put on his shoes.
"We're not a bad crowd," Leonard assured him. "And let's not judge until we know the situation." He grabbed the keys from the bowl and both men stepped out of the apartment.
"Query," said Sheldon as his roommate locked the door. "I thought you said Howard was about to engage in coitus. How is that related to the Mars Rover?"
"Believe me, if the Rover's really stuck the government will give Howard more coitus than he can handle," said Leonard as both men proceeded down the stairs.
xTBBTx
"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree," Penny sang obliviously off-key as she adjusted the branches of her mini tree that sat on her counter. She was excited about going back to Omaha. She could tell her family all about her Rent review. Except about how it sucked. All in all, she felt good about how this year was ending. For the first time she was standing on her own feet and had her own place.
She smiled to herself as she straightened the star at the top of the tree.
"And my own whackadood—"
CRASH!
Penny rushed behind the counter to her refrigerator and grabbed her baseball bat that was propped nearby before streaking to her door. She opened it to find the door to 4A kicked in.
"Hey dirt bags!" she yelled as she charged across and into the apartment. The would-be thief dropped Leonard's laptop on the desk and backed away. From his side glance she understood that there was a second guy there and so the Nebraskan whacked the door jam testing her bat. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way," she said crisply.
XxX
"So anyways, what do you want for dinner?" asked Leonard as he stood between Sheldon and Amy in the elevator.
"It's Thursday, Leonard. You know it's pizza night," replied Sheldon.
"Yes, but we have a guest and maybe Amy would like something different."
"Why would she want something different? It's Thursday." Sheldon shook his head. "Really, your logic baffles me sometimes."
"No," sighed Leonard. "What baffles me is why—"
"Get back here!" Penny's angry voice from the hall.
The elevator doors opened and the three rushed out just as Penny darted by them and down the stairs waving a baseball bat. It took a moment for Sheldon to notice that his door had been kicked in before he took off after Penny.
"Penny!" he called as he rapidly descended, his heart pounding from more than his exertion. "Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny!"
He came down the final flight and caught sight of Penny standing outside the building's door.
"That's right assholes, you better run!" she shouted. "Next time I won't have flip-flops!" She turned and caught sight of Sheldon and so entered the building. "Those assholes just broke into your—"
"I know what they did. What's unfathomable is why you went after them," Sheldon said angrily.
"It's no biggie," Penny countered, still irritated over the whole incident. "I heard them break in, grabbed the bat and went all Nebraska on them."
"You could have been injured or worse," Sheldon spat back as his eyes scoured his friend. "In fact your right forearm and knee are red."
"Yeah, I fell when I got shoved." Penny went to the elevator and pushed the button. "That combined with my wearing flip-flops down the stairs is why those bastards got away."
"You're missing the point," Sheldon said icily.
"I get your point, Sheldon." The elevator came and they both got in. "And what you've got to understand is that I can take care of myself."
"You're a waitress not a green beret."
"I'm an actress and I was in the junior rodeo, remember?"
"Well this isn't Nebraska," snapped Sheldon. "What if one of the assailants had a gun?"
"Well they didn't."
"This time." The elevator arrived at their floor and they exited.
"They're not coming back, Sheldon."
"How do you know?"
"Because they've got 'Louisville' stamped all over their bodies, that's why," Penny said as she tapped her hand a couple of times with the bat.
"Are you okay?" Leonard said to his neighbor in a mix of concern and awe.
"Fine, Leonard."
"Good," he replied, relieved. "I'll call the police." He pulled out his cell phone and stepped away from the group.
Penny looked at the woman who stared back, wide-eyed.
"Hey," Penny said, trying to be friendly.
"Hoo," Amy replied before putting a hand to her neck and clearing her throat. "I mean hello." She leaned her head towards Sheldon. "Who is this delightful creature?"
"My neighbor, Penny," he grumbled. "And she's a pain in the buttocks."
"With her sun-kissed hair, flawless skin and manly hands she's nothing less than an Amazon reborn," Amy gushed.
"Uh, thanks," Penny said hesitantly with a weak smile. She took in Amy's poker expression and polyester and wool outfit reminiscent of grandma. She knew who this woman had to be but wanted to be sure. "You're Amy, right?"
"You know of me?" Amy said happily.
"Howard mentioned meeting you."
"Howard is the short, Jewish man who lives with his mother, correct?"
"You forgot his creepy, candy coating," smirked Penny.
"Fortunately Sheldon was there," agreed Amy. "He really is quite the charmer."
"Yeah, he's something alright," replied Penny. She looked to Sheldon and blinked. How come she calls you Sheldon and I was stuck at Dr. Cooper?
"Yes, I'm charming," Sheldon scowled. "Now can we get back to point i.e. Penny's suicidal behavior?"
"I'm not suicidal, Sheldon." Penny narrowed her eyes. "Homicidal maybe." She did her best to imitate one of his exaggerated smiles.
"Better not be," said Leonard as he hung up. "Police are on their way."
"I shall survey the destruction," said Sheldon as he pushed open his door. "Amy, you could assist me by documenting my findings."
"I caught them in the act," Penny said. "They didn't have a chance to take anything."
"Let me be the judge of that," Sheldon said absently as he stepped into the apartment. "Lord knows after your irrationality you hardly make a sound witness."
"What he means to say is 'thank you, Penny,'" Leonard interpreted as he frowned at the back of his roommate.
"Yes, thank you Penny for not ending up a bloody pulp on my floor after perpetrating something so extremely foolhardy," Sheldon called out to the hall. "Come Amy, time for the neocortex to assess the workings of the less evolved amygdala."
"Well this amygdala is gonna go clean up and have a shot of rum," said Penny as she rested her bat on her shoulder and marched into her apartment.
"She's remarkable," Amy gushed before entering 4A.
xTBBTx
Dr. Stephanie Barnett knew from the outset that accepting Howard's proposal to 'drive a car on Mars' meant spending time with a horny scientist but what she didn't count on was having Leonard Hofstadter drive her home from the Mars Rover facility. He seemed shy when she first met him at the jazz club but he sure made up for it when they arrived at Stephanie's apartment building and proceeded to make out.
Tonight was supposed to be their second date. The first was at her place and so Leonard thought it appropriate to host the next one.
What he hadn't counted on was Sheldon.
"Leonard," greeted Sheldon as he came down the hall to see his roommate pouring gourmet pasta sauce into the frying pan which held sautéed vegetables. The lanky physicist turned his head and noted the slightly plump woman with blunt-cut shoulder length red hair wearing a black dress cut to mid thigh sitting on the couch. "Leonard's female guest."
"Hi," Stephanie said and glanced at Leonard questioningly.
"Uh, Sheldon, what are you doing here?" he said.
"I live here. Why shouldn't I be here?" Sheldon pulled out a sheet of paper from a file folder that was on his desk. "I've looked over your formal notice of having a non-familial female in the apartment and everything is in order. You may proceed with coitus."
"Sheldon!" Leonard said, horrified. For her part Stephanie took a sip of wine in order to hide her grin.
"I'll just leave the document on your desk," Sheldon said. He turned to Stephanie. "On the form Leonard indicated you're a doctor."
"Yes, I'm a surgical resident at Freemont Hospital," she replied.
"An acceptable trade," Sheldon nodded.
Stephanie chuckled. "It pays the bills."
"Sheldon," Leonard interjected in an exasperated tone. "Stephanie and I were just about to—"
"Not now, Leonard. Dr. Stephanie and I were conversing," Sheldon tsked. "So where did you do your residency?" he asked her.
"Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas."
Sheldon was delighted. "That's where I was born!"
"Really?"
"What luck," Leonard said flatly.
"I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital," mused Sheldon. "When I was twelve I got to ride there in a helicopter after a radiation mishap while I was building my own C.A.T. scanner."
"You're kidding," Stephanie gasped.
"I got it to work for a brief period. I used my sister's guinea pig to—"
There were two knocks at the door and then it opened.
"I smell pasta," Penny said as she stuck her head in the apartment.
"Yes, we're having spaghetti," Sheldon replied crisply. He turned to his roommate. "I hope you made enough."
Penny noted the woman on the couch. "Oh, I didn't know you had a guest."
"This is Dr. Stephanie Barnett," Sheldon introduced. "She's a surgical resident and Leonard's coital partner." Penny's mouth dropped.
"Don't worry about it," said Stephanie. "It actually gets less shocking to hear the more Sheldon says it."
"I don't see what the fuss is all about," tsked Sheldon. "As a physician you're familiar with the means and methods of copulation."
"That doesn't mean she wants to discuss the how, Sheldon," Leonard said as he picked up the pot to drain the spaghetti. This date can't get any worse….
"Ah," said Sheldon. "I was just finding a universal topic of discussion to be inclusive." He turned to his neighbor. "While Penny isn't a doctor I'm sure after the amount of sexual partners she's had she could at least give an informed opinion."
Leonard closed his eyes and winced. On the other hand….
"Oh my God!" Penny shrieked. She glanced at Stephanie. "He doesn't know what he's talking about."
"The numbers don't lie," Sheldon said evenly.
"I haven't slept with everyone I've dated," Penny said icily.
"I've already taken that into account. Statistically speaking you've had intercourse with—"
"Spaghetti's ready!" Leonard said loudly.
"Why do you keep bringing this up?" snapped Penny. "Do you want to sleep with me, too?"
"For what purpose?" replied Sheldon. "Amy Farrah Fowler has already come up with a sound solution for having my offspring."
"Your what?!"
"Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow."
"What the hell kind of crap is that?!" gasped Penny. "I mean you don't even like people touching you and now you're going to have sex?"
"Of course not," scoffed Sheldon. "Our offspring will be the result of fertility experts in a lab with Petri dishes. All we require is a womb."
"But you've just met!"
"To ensure genetic viability it's best if Amy's eggs are fertilized before age thirty."
Penny rolled her eyes. "This has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
Sheldon frowned. "An obvious exaggeration. Given your occupation you're subjected to inanities far beyond anything I could ever say."
"No, I think 'I want test-tube babies with a stranger' is absolutely insane."
"I'm not crazy," snapped Sheldon. "My mother—"
"Needs a second opinion," growled Penny, who then marched out the door.
Sheldon pursed his lips and his body was tense as if he was restraining himself from following her. Abruptly he spun on his heel and went to his room.
Stephanie looked to Leonard. "Were they a couple?"
"No." He thought about it for a moment. "Kinda?"
XxX
Penny clicked off the television and set the remote next to her on the couch. She needed some time to cool off and thought a few episodes of Sex and the City was what the doctor ordered.
"Doctor," she grunted. "Idiot's more like it."
She got up and began stripping out of her shirt as she walked to her bedroom. All she wanted to do was sleep and so she thought it best to shower tonight so she could stay in bed for an extra half hour. Penny stepped out of her pants and grabbed a fluffy white towel from her closet and went into the bathroom. She clipped up her hair and started the shower after adjusting the water temperature to her liking.
"Test-tube babies," she grumbled. "Un-frigging-believable." Tomorrow she was going to sit Sheldon down and get it through his thick skull what a stupid idea it was.
Plan B involved the baseball bat.
"Plan B's simple," said Penny as she stepped into the tub. "At least we'd both get something out of i—"
Her feet slipped from under her….
XxX
Sheldon sat impassively in his spot watching Star Trek. While it wasn't Star Trek night he felt he needed something to ease his mind and 'The Enemy Within' fit the bill. As he watched he kept running through his altercation with his neighbor. Penny had a way of riling him that no other person possessed. She was irrational, superstitious, mule-headed. And keeps calling me stupid.
"Evil Kirk," he muttered.
Amy Farrah Fowler, in contrast, was logical and intellectual. Not up to his level, of course, but she could follow along in a stimulating discourse. She would be excellent breeding stock and it puzzled him that Penny didn't see it.
"It's not like I'd actually touch Amy," he said. "Why would I want to touch anyo—"
"SHELDON!"
Immediately he pressed mute on the remote.
"SHELDON HELP!"
"Penny?" Immediately he raced to the door and grabbed her emergency key. He crossed the hall.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny?"
Knock Knock Knock "Penny?"
Knock Knock Knock "Penny?"
"I NEED HELP!"
"I'm entering your apartment," he warned before inserting the key and turning the lock.
His eyes scoured the living room as he came in.
"Penny?" he called.
"IN THE BATHROOM!"
He took a breath and walked through her bedroom to the bathroom door.
Knock Knock
"GET IN HERE!"
He gave a final knock before opening the door. "Penny?"
"In the shower."
Sheldon took a step and just past the shower curtain he caught sight of Penny's head, shoulder and—
"Good Lord," he said as he turned around. "Penny you're naked."
"I'm having a shower, genius. Only I fell and— Hey could you turn the shower off so I don't drown?"
Sheldon took a couple of backward steps and reached blindly with his hand and turned off the water.
"Thanks." He heard her wince.
"Are you alright?"
"I don't think so. My shoulder feels dislocated."
"Ah. I'll call an ambulance," he said as he pulled his phone from his pants pocket.
"No! Just get me out of the tub."
"But you're wet."
Penny sighed. "Take the towel off the toilet seat."
Sheldon took it and unfolded it to its full length. He turned towards Penny.
"'Kay now wrap me in it and get me up," she said. "And no peeking."
"Interestingly enough there's an entire history of heroes peeking at naked females," he said evenly as he came to the edge of the tub.
"You're not a hero," she said as she sought his eyes with her own.
"I disagree. In Age of Conan I'm a sixty first level hero." He leaned down with the towel held wide and in that moment he caught sight of lightly tanned skin and slightly puckered areolas most likely from the temperature change once the hot water was turned off. Overall her breasts were asymmetrical yet aesthetically pleasing. At some point Penny must have tanned topless; while there was a slight discoloration where a bikini top would lie there was a definite color to her breasts.
"I mean in real life." Penny felt his arms around her with the towel.
"Need I remind you I'm here now?" he tsked. "Alright, put your good arm around my neck and on the count of three we'll rise." He pursed his lips for a second before he stuck a foot in the wet tub. "One. Two. Three."
Penny did her best to come to a sitting position on the side of the tub. She leaned into Sheldon's body and was surprisingly comforted by his arms around her and the smell of what she took to be baby powder.
"Ouch," she winced. Sheldon stepped away from her and picked at his shirt gingerly with his fingers and held it away from his body.
"Your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket," he said evenly.
"What?"
"Your shoulder's dislocated."
"No kidding." Penny did her best to keep her right arm still while keeping up the towel to cover her front. "'Kay, you're gonna have to get me to the hospital."
"I'll call a cab."
"This hurts too much to wait. You'll have to drive me."
"I don't drive," Sheldon said firmly.
"You've got your learner's permit."
"Yes but I haven't been behind the wheel of an actual vehicle."
"First time for everything." She stood up and the towel draped in front of her. "Right now I've gotta get dressed." She walked out of the washroom. "No looking."
"I fail to understand your sudden obsession with modesty," tsked Sheldon. He took in her firm yet slightly pronounced buttocks and a surprising Asian tattoo on her right cheek. "You're in distress. I'm here because you called me. Am I supposed to conduct myself around your apartment by touch?"
"Just don't turn into Howard," she sighed as she sat on her bed.
"In what universe could I ever be Howard Wolowitz?" Sheldon said incredulously. "Obviously, the pain is muddling your rational thought."
"Just get me some clothes," Penny said with a grim smile.
"Alright." He opened her dresser drawers. "Hmm. Due to your lack of organization I'm unsure which are your Thursday panties."
"Don't need panties. Just get me shorts and a shirt."
"But it's December. You'll need pants." He opened another drawer and pulled out a purple with little pink butterflies pair of fleecy pants.
"Not those," Penny said, horrified. "Those are my comfy pants."
Sheldon was puzzled. "Why wouldn't you want to be comfortable now?"
"They're not meant to be worn in public."
"But you wear them at my apartment."
"It's still indoors."
"The hospital is indoors."
"Look, quit arguing and get me some black leggings on the right side of the drawer," growled Penny.
Sheldon pulled out what she wanted. "I don't see how these will be any warmer than shorts."
"Just shut it and help."
He went over and knelt on one knee before her.
"You're still wet," he said evenly. "I'll need your towel." He took an end and carefully patted down Penny's legs and feet. "Query, why do you have the Chinese symbol for soup on your buttocks?"
"It's not soup it's 'courage'." Her cheeks flushed as she watched Sheldon dry between her legs. "And I told you not to look."
"Point. My apologies. Although I have to say it is rather courageous of you to affirm your fondness for soup." He set her towel high on her lap before gathering up her leggings. "Extend your left leg." He slipped on the legging. "Now the right." She complied and he repeated the process. "Another query, why are you acting self-conscious when you've adorned yourself with a tattoo in a location that's better seen by others rather than yourself?"
"Because I don't get naked for just anyone," she said crisply.
"I never asked you to be naked," he replied evenly as he pulled the leggings first over one knee, then the other. "You were having a shower when you fell. Your nudity is natural." He shrugged. "If you wanted to surprise me I would have found you in the shower wearing a gorilla suit."
"I'll keep that in mind." Sheldon stood up and after taking a moment to make sure her arm was steady Penny did the same. The physicist pulled the top of her leggings over her hips. "Grab my Nebraska t-shirt over there." Sheldon glanced at the crumpled gray apparel on the floor near her closet.
"I'm sure there's something cleaner in your drawer," he said with pursed lips.
"Sheldon, you said comfortable, remember?"
He shook his head as he went to retrieve the top.
"Clean 'comfy pants' are a negative but soiled clothing is acceptable to be worn in public. How your mind works, woman," he admonished lightly.
"Yeah yeah." She smiled slightly as she saw Sheldon pick up her top with pinched fingers and carry it at arm's length from his body. "It's not contaminated."
"In your dreams it isn't contaminated." He found the opening. "You're sure about this?"
"Yup." He carefully guided her head through the neck hole.
"I'll turn the shirt so that I can get your arm into the sleeve," said Sheldon and adjusted the top as best he could before slipping his hand underneath. He felt along her arm in order to find both her hand and the entrance to her sleeve. Now satisfied he had everything lined up he began to move the sleeve only to find it stuck on something. His hand moved to find what was the matter and found that the sleeve opening held not only Penny's hand but also something warm and fleshy.
"What are you doing?" Penny gasped.
"Getting your arm in the sleeve."
She raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't feel like my arm."
"It's your breast," he confirmed.
"Maybe you should let it go."
Sheldon's hand repositioned and slowly he got the sleeve over Penny's wounded arm.
"Not bad, Dr. C. From test-tube babies to second base all in one day," she chuckled. She took in his very unimpressed look as he helped her into the t-shirt.
"I fail to understand why you mock the idea," he said crisply. "It provides humanity with the best chance at obtaining a Sheldon two point oh."
"Oh yay," Penny said sarcastically as she stepped away fully dressed and went into the living room for her purse. "Stupid me for thinking test-tube sex with a stranger isn't romantic."
"What does romance have to do with procreation?" asked Sheldon as he followed. "And FYI Amy isn't a stranger. She's on probation. And I must say I have every confidence she'll pass the final exam and become a full-fledged friend when the three months are up."
Penny slipped on her flip-flops. "What the hell are you talking about, 'exam'? I didn't have to write one."
"Yes, well, I admit I was inexperienced with the entire friendship paradigm when we met," he said as they both exited the apartment and he locked up. "I now have an understanding of the tasks required in entering and maintaining a friendship. We'll see how well you score when our Agreement's up for review next year."
"Oh, not this crap again about us not being friends," snapped Penny as she went to press the elevator button.
"Of course we're friends," Sheldon said.
"Then why do you keep saying we're not?"
"Penny I haven't—"
"'I'm not sure if I like you.' 'I don't dislike you.' 'Let's see if you can pass the friendship review.'"
"It's in the Friendship Agreement," he said simply. "It's not my fault you haven't read it."
"You keep sending me updates on that stupid agreement."
"Addendums."
"Whatever. Sheldon, I'm a human being and whether you like it or—" Penny sucked in a breath as she had inadvertently moved her arm. "God."
"Try not to move your shoulder," he said.
"I'm trying." She winced. "It hurts."
"Let me get ready." Sheldon entered his apartment and sprayed his slipper bottoms before grabbing his jacket and wallet and turning off the television. He slipped on his shoes and took the house keys from the bowl. As he stepped out and locked his door he heard Penny quietly sniffle. Sheldon pursed his lips. Penny might drive him crazy but he absolutely hated seeing her in distress.
They got into the elevator.
"Again I'd like to voice my apprehension about driving," he began.
"Sheldon, I won't blame you if we die in a fiery crash."
"Who said anything about a fiery crash?" Sheldon said with an excited twang. He caught her look. "At any rate you couldn't blame me. You'd be dead."
They exited the elevator and building and made their way to Penny's car. She put her purse on the hood and dug out her car keys. Sheldon then proceeded to unlock her door and waited until she got in before closing it. He then got into the driver's seat.
"Okay, adjust the rear view mirror—done. Next the side—" he abruptly stopped and then got out of the vehicle.
"Where are you going?" asked Penny.
"I forgot to do a walk around the car," he explained and headed to the trunk.
"KMN," she sighed.
XxX
The elevator doors opened.
"Bridge Mr. Spock!" Penny said and giggled.
Sheldon rolled his eyes even as he gently guided her out of the elevator towards her door.
"Your drug-addled attempt at humor is deplorable," he said. "Stand still, I have to open the door." He dug out her keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. His hand went to the small of her back and they entered her apartment. He clicked on the light.
"Ak! Bright!" Penny protested. She heard him close the door behind them. "Where are you going?"
"To put you to bed."
Again she giggled. "Put me to bed. You dog."
"Yes, I'm a canine," he said with a sigh as the two entered her bedroom.
"Bow-bow-bowooOOoo!"
"Penny! It's three thirty in the morning!" he hissed over her laughter.
"Sorry."
"No you're not," he said as he straightened the blankets on the bed.
Penny's eyes looked him over as he worked.
"You know you've got a cute butt?" she said.
"I can't say I did. And quit peeking," he said as an afterthought.
"The hero always peeks, Dr. C.," Penny said amusedly.
"And since when did you become my hero?" he asked as he fluffed the pillow.
"I didn't say I was your hero. I said I was a hero. Besides, I can't be your hero 'cause you're mine."
"I stand corrected," Sheldon said quietly. He moved her to the bed and she carefully got in. "I'll leave your medication on your nightstand," he said as he took the bottles out of his jacket pocket.
Penny snuggled into the pillow. "Sheldon?"
He turned to her. "Yes?"
She pumpkin grinned. "Sing Soft Kitty to me."
"You're not sick," he replied as he tucked her in.
"Being stoned out of my mind is a kind of sick," she countered.
He pursed his lips and made to protest but he found himself caught in her wide green eyes. There was mischief in them to be sure but there was also a genuine affection that warmed him.
Sheldon sat on the bed.
"Soft Kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur," he sang. "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr."
Penny closed her eyes and sighed. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Goodnight Penny." He turned out the light and got up.
"Sheldon, do you think you'll ever have sex?"
"I've never understood the inexplicable need for human contact," he said seriously. "It baffles and repulses me."
"Maybe you haven't met the right person." He snorted. "Sheldon, it's magic."
"I'm a scientist. I don't believe in magic."
"There's magic all around you, Sheldon Cooper. Your fishies. Your physics string thingy."
"String Theory." He paused. "Since when did you make note of what I was doing?"
"I asked Leonard to teach me a little physics."
"Why?"
"Because you're all sciencey and Leonard's sciencey and Ramona's sciencey and Amy is sciencey." She yawned. "And then there's Penny."
"You're the antithesis of scientific inquiry, I agree."
"I wanted to surprise you," she mumbled.
"Cleaning your apartment would be surprise enough." He regarded his friend. "Penny, I appreciate the sentiment but you don't have to learn String Theory."
"I jus' want you to like me," she said and nodded off.
Sheldon stared at her and then stepped forward and made sure the blanket was properly pulled up. He noted a strand of hair across her cheek and gently tucked it behind her ear. Given a hundred lifetimes he'd never understand Penny but in this instance he knew it was irrelevant to the status of their relationship.
He genuinely liked her.
The apartment door opened and he went into the living room to see Justin make his way in with his guitar and amp. The musician was absolutely shocked, perhaps a tad hopeful, as he saw Sheldon emerge from Penny's bedroom and close her door.
"Penny's asleep," Sheldon said. "She had a fall and dislocated her shoulder."
"Damn," hissed Justin. "She okay?"
"We've just returned from the emergency room where they reset the shoulder and gave her a powerful pain killer. When you're ready for bed open her bedroom door in case she needs you in the night. In the morning make sure she has breakfast so she can take her anti-inflammatory medication."
"Sure thing." Sheldon went to the apartment door and stopped.
"If you have any further questions Penny has my number."
"Okay."
"Goodnight." Sheldon opened the door.
"Penny's pretty cool."
Sheldon turned to the musician. "Actually I'd say she's far from aloof."
Justin smiled. "I mean she's awesome."
"Ah."
"Don't you think so too?"
"I have a newfound appreciation for her stubbornness, if that counts."
Justin frowned. "Look, Penny might come across as a Big Ol' Five but we're really tight so don't mess with her if you aren't interested."
"In what?"
"Penny."
Sheldon's eyes narrowed. "Of course I'm concerned about her welfare. She's my friend."
"And that's all?"
"That's everything," Sheldon said earnestly. "I'll check in before work."
Sheldon went back to his apartment and slipped off his shoes. It was beyond late and he missed his evening shower and had pooped at the hospital so he'd have to estimate his output. He checked his watch: if he went to sleep now he'd have four and a half hours before his morning shower. Perhaps he could delay until then?
He snorted and shook his head as he went to the kitchen cupboard for a garbage bag in order to deposit his clothes. After spending hours at the hospital there was no telling what contaminants he was coated in so his apparel was going into immediate quarantine until he could wash them.
Sheldon grabbed a towel from the closet and went into the washroom.
He nearly scrubbed himself raw in the shower.
xTBBTx
It was the dull ache in her shoulder that woke Penny. She turned her head to catch the clock. It was after eleven in the morning. No wonder she had to take a wicked pee. Carefully she got out of bed and padded her way to the washroom. As she went her eyes looked over her bathtub. The scene of the crime. Immediately the sensation of arms around her body came to mind. The smell of baby powder. Blue eyes. He peeked.
"Son of a gun," she chuckled before flushing the toilet and washing her hands.
When she came out Justin was in her doorway.
"Back to bed, missy," he said. "I've come with breakfast."
"Why thank you kind sir," Penny chortled as she settled herself in the blankets.
He handed her a bowl of mixed tuna and a package of saltine crackers.
"We have to go shopping," he said with a smile.
"You know coffee works just as well," she replied as she eyed the tuna.
"Nope. Sheldon said you had to eat something so you could take your medicine." Justin took the bottle off the nightstand. "See? 'Take with food.'" She gave him a sour puss face. "He said you needed protein to go with the carb. Who am I to question a doctor?"
"He's a physicist," she said as she took a cracker from the package and scooped up some tuna. "He just thinks he knows everything."
"I noticed his humbleness, yes."
"Yeah but it kinda grows on you," Penny chuckled.
"I'll take your word for it." Justin regarded his ex-girlfriend as she ate. He took a breath. "So anyways I asked about you two last night."
Penny went ashen. "You did not!"
"Hey, you were sulking around the apartment; besides when he came out of your bedroom and said you were sleeping I was hoping for the best."
"So what did he say?" she asked in a horrible attempt at sounding nonchalant.
"He likes you as a friend and that's that." Her face fell. "Hey, it's his loss," Justin said soothingly.
Penny let her head thump the wall. "Terrific. Now things are going to be so awkward."
"I didn't say you liked him," Justin clarified. "I just asked if he was interested."
Penny took a moment to think before slowly nodding her head.
"Well, at least I know where we stand," she said softly.
xTBBTx
Scientificamerican: why do we swear?
Djspacebar: decibel levels