Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary'; 'The Zarnecki Incursion'; 'The Desperation Emanation'; 'The Vengeance Formulation'; 'The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis'; 'The Alien Parasite Hypothesis'; 'The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition'
xTBBTx
Penny unlocked the door and entered her apartment.
"All mine," she said with a happy sigh.
Justin had made friends with a couple of session musicians who were renting a house. They invited him to rent a room and he quickly accepted. As nice as it was paying no rent at Penny's place his back was telling him it was time for a proper mattress.
As for Penny, she was glad Justin had been there to keep her from moping too much over Sheldon. Not that there was anything to mope about. He was still her friend and, more importantly, had no clue that she liked him. At least she thought she liked him. It was hard for her to pin her feelings for Sheldon. He was so unlike anyone she'd met that she felt protective of him and yet when Ramona and Amy came along she'd felt nothing less than threatened.
Besides, in the past week she'd gone through two bags of cookies, two pints of Ben and Jerry's and a can of whipped cream. If that didn't describe heartache the two pounds she'd gained sure did.
Penny sat on the couch and took in the silence.
She remembered the emergency stash of cookies in her room.
"Nope," she said and proceeded across the hall to 4A. She knocked twice and opened the door to find Leonard on the phone. He gave her a little wave.
"Yes, I know…. Well technically I already fulfilled the pact. Stephanie invited her roommate…. Well it's not my fault you…. Uh huh…." Leonard sighed. "Uh huh…. Look, no promises but I'll see what I can do…. Look I've gotta go, Penny's here…. No I'm not going to ask her…. I'm hanging up now."
Penny plunked down on the couch. "Not gonna ask me what?"
"Howard's on me again for getting together with Stephanie," Leonard said with a roll of the eyes.
"Well, you did scoop her right out of a date, bub."
"It wasn't a date. They'd just met. And it wasn't like she was going to sleep with him."
"Digging yourself deeper." Leonard sighed. "So what does this have to do with me?"
"Well Stephanie thought to set Howard up with her roommate but that…. Let's just say it didn't go well."
"Howard Wolowitz on a date with a woman and it didn't go well. Hard to believe," Penny chuckled.
"Yeah. And now I'm supposed to come up with another woman for him."
"Wow, it's like sacrificing virgins to the volcano god."
Leonard laughed. "Something like that. So, know any virgins?"
"You mean girls I no longer want to be friends with?"
"Howard's not that bad of a guy."
"Yeah I know," said Penny. "It's too bad he can't get it through his head that he tries too hard. I mean how long have I known him and yet I can't say I've ever really 'met' him—unless the cheesy comments are all that he is."
"No, there's more. It'd take someone to beat it out of him."
"Well, I don't know if she'd beat him up but my coworker Bernie's a real sweetheart. She's in grad school working on microbiology." Here Penny laughed. "See, she's practically an expert on Howard!"
"So could you set them up?" Leonard asked hopefully.
"I dunno," she teased. "What do I get out of it?"
"Well, I could let you in on a secret that someone likes you."
"I'm not going out with Raj," she said flat out.
"Nope. He lives a lot closer to you."
"It better not be Sheldon."
Leonard's face fell. "Why not?"
"Leonard, we're just friends."
"Are you sure? I mean—"
"Justin asked. Sheldon said he just wants to be friends."
"Ah," Leonard said, feeling awkward. "So weird because I could have sworn he liked you."
"Well don't feel so bad. Your mother was also convinced he had the hots for me" said Penny with a crooked smile.
"She won't like to hear she's wrong," Leonard chuckled.
"Leonard, I think someone would need a doctorate in Sheldonese in order to understand him."
"You seem to be doing an admirable job on the fly."
"It's called cutting the crap. Speaking of Sheldon where is he?"
"At a card tournament at the comic store with Raj."
Penny grinned. "That's cool. I was hoping to drag him over so I could pick out a Christmas gift for the nephew. By the way he loved his Spider-Man comic, thank you very much."
"You're welcome." Leonard checked his watch. "The tournament should be done soon so if you want to catch him…."
"On my way." She got off the couch. "I'll see Bernie at work tomorrow so I'll text you when I know if it's a go."
"Great. Thanks Penny."
She crossed back to her apartment and grabbed her purse and keys and made her way to her car. As she drove off she felt a twinge of butterflies. This would be the first time she'd see Stuart after the disaster of a date. Then to make things even worse Sheldon would be there.
"Maybe I should have taken Leonard," she murmured.
XxX
Penny slipped her purse onto her shoulder and entered the comic book shop. For once no one turned to see her as all eyes were on something in the center of the room. She ventured over to see Sheldon and Raj sitting at a table across from Stuart and another guy with a light moustache and beard wearing a geeky t-shirt. Only Sheldon and the stranger had cards in their hands. She slid by Captain Sweatpants in order to stand behind Sheldon.
"Sulphur," said Wil Wheaton as he set the card on the table.
"Brimstone," Sheldon said with a smarmy smirk. Wil frowned as he mulled over his cards. "You're holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish and two moves later, the game."
"Son of a gun," Wil said, amazed and somewhat amused.
"The year was nineteen ninety five," began Sheldon. "The place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure."
Wil set his cards down and looked hurt.
"Dude, my grandmother just died and I had to go to her funeral."
Sheldon's jaw dropped, his cocky attitude out the window. "Your Meemaw died? That's terrible."
"Yeah it was," Wil sighed. "But I'm really sorry that I disappointed you."
Penny narrowed her eyes.
"No, I understand," Sheldon stammered. "Anything happened to my Meemaw, I'd be one inconsolable Moonpie."
Wil's eyes sparkled. "It's a special relationship, isn't it, between a boy and his grandmother?"
"Oh yes."
"He's lying," Penny said evenly, breaking the spell of the room.
"Who would lie about their Meemaw dying?" gasped Wil.
"Apparently you would. Nice use of method acting by the way."
Wil's face turned red. "Who the hell are you coming in here and saying I'm lying about my Meemaw?"
"Look, I know all about death and you're full of it!" snapped Penny. "When my baby died it was like a part of me went with her." Tears ran down her cheeks. "You're such an ass for doing this."
Wil smirked. "Good job."
Penny smiled back as she wiped her eyes. "Thank ya."
Sheldon looked from Wil to Penny. "What's going on here?"
"Sheldon, this guy's lying."
"But his Meemaw…."
Penny snorted. "I bet you ten bucks his Meemaw's alive and well." Sheldon was silent as he mulled things over. She bent over so their heads were even. "Sheldon, if you cave to this guy I'm going to your room and taking out a comic book and putting a little happy face in it and putting it back so you'll never know which one it is."
He scowled. "That isn't very nice."
"Threats aren't supposed to be nice," she said sweetly.
"Ah." He frowned. "Well when you put it that way." He looked to Wil. "Play the potion card."
Wil cocked his head as he looked at Penny. He grinned. "Well played." He tossed the rest of his cards on the table and Raj leapt into the air with his arms raised. "Good game, Sheldon." Will got up and left the table.
"I'll get you the winnings," Stuart said and both he and Raj went to the counter.
Sheldon was quiet as he sat alone at the table.
"You won, honey," Penny said lightly.
"So he was lying?" Sheldon said at last.
"Yup."
"His Meemaw's alright?"
"Yup, yup."
He looked up at his friend. "How do you know?"
"Sheldon, I'm an actress. I've studied method acting for two and a half years. Believe me I can spot it a mile away."
"I see." Sheldon got up from the table.
"Listen I need help picking something out for my nephew," said Penny.
"Alright." They head over to the graphic novel section. "Query, when were you pregnant?"
Penny rolled her eyes.
xTBBTx
Penny stumbled bleary-eyed over to 4A with coffee cup in hand.
Leonard noted the zombie look to his neighbor and said nothing as he got the coffee and poured it into her cup. He took out Sheldon's milk from the refrigerator and Penny poured some into her cup before taking a sip. It took one more sip for the transformation into living Penny came to fruition.
"Good morning, Leonard," she croaked and took another sip.
"Good morning to you, 'she who has risen'," he chuckled. Penny grunted. "So what was the occasion?"
"Gwen's birthday. Came home at three and here I am all peachy keen for the early shift at the restaurant." She took another sip of coffee. "Man, I'm too old for this."
"Twenty one isn't old by any means," tsked Sheldon as he came down the hall. "You're in your prime, unlike my milk if you continue to leave it on the counter."
"Yes boss," said Penny and then she stopped as she took in her neighbor's dark grey slacks, light gray shirt, a purple-plaid suit jacket and a striped tie. "What's the occasion?"
"Oh, not much," Sheldon said, although it was obvious he was bubbling with excitement. "I'm going to be interviewed by Ira Flatow on National Public Radio's Science Friday."
"Wow, Ira Flatow. That's great," Penny said overenthusiastically.
"I'm in such a good mood I'll even let slide the fact you don't know who Ira Flatow is," Sheldon said with a smirk.
"So what time do you have to be at the studio?"
"I'm not going to the studio. I'll be interviewed over the phone from my office."
Penny blinked. "O-kay. Then why get all dolled up?"
"Penny, it's national radio. I can't be interviewed wearing what-have-you. Besides," Sheldon said as he adjusted the knot in his tie. "My mother and her church group will be listening."
"Aw, that's nice," grinned Penny.
"They'll be praying for my soul," sighed the lanky physicist.
"You know she means well," Leonard said.
"I suppose," replied Sheldon. "Only her meaning well would be so much better if she could get me yellow cake uranium instead of brochures to a Christian boat cruise complete with 'Gunning with God'." Again he adjusted his tie. "Nope, need a mirror." He went to the washroom.
"So when's Sheldon on?" asked Penny.
"Sheldon said at two twenty. Why, got a hunkering for magnetic monopoles?"
Penny shrugged. "I dunno. Bernie's into science so maybe she'd be interested. Oh, speaking of which, it's a go with Howard."
"You're kidding?" Leonard said, pleased. "So how much did it cost you?"
"I just said that he was a short engineer with a sense of humor and other quirky traits," replied Penny. "All Bernie said was that it'd be a treat not having to look up his nose while talking to him."
"Sounds like a match to me," Leonard laughed. "Although the rest of it sounds like a candy coating on the creepy."
"Yeah, well, don't say I didn't take a bullet for the team," Penny said before taking a sip of coffee.
XxX
Penny saved her break until two fifteen and made her way to Bernadette's car where the short woman sat waiting.
"Wow, I can't believe Sheldon's on Science Friday," gushed Bernadette.
"That big of a deal?" asked Penny as she peeled the wrapper of a granola bar and began eating.
"It's like you being interviewed by Oprah. Well, without getting the free car."
Music came from the radio before the host returned. "This is Ira Flatow and you're listening to NPR's Science Friday. Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper."
"My pleasure, Ira."
Penny smiled at the sound of her friend's voice.
"Now, let's talk about magnetic monopoles," said Ira. "Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?"
"Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has"—the pitch of his voice began to rise—"as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles"—his pitch rose further—"anorth and south pole." Both Penny and Bernadette looked at each other in confusion. "If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole."
"Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection," Ira said diplomatically.
Penny winced at the high-pitched squeak of Sheldon's voice even as the physicist did his best to clear his throat with a slight cough.
"No, I hear you fine," said Sheldon. "As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole." His voice sounded as if he was away from the speaker. "A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I'm going to kill you!"
"Yes, well, I think we'll get in touch with Dr. Cooper at a later time," Ira said. "We'll be right back."
The two women sat silently in the car.
"What the hell was that?" Penny said at last.
"Your friend said nozzle. The only thing I can think of is that he was gassed with helium," said Bernadette. "It makes your voice go higher." She pursed her lips. "That wasn't very nice."
Penny turned off the radio. "Son of a bitch…."
XxX
After her shower and change into her comfy clothes Penny crossed the hall and knocked twice at 4A before opening the door.
"Hey," said Leonard as he was preparing dinner on the counter.
"That was one weird science talk," Penny said as she sprayed her feet before crossing over to the kitchen.
"Yeah," he replied with a bit of a chuckle. "I told Sheldon he should get Kripke back but he's not up to the idea at the moment."
"Is he in his room?"
"I'm hoping the smell of dinner will lure him out."
Penny nodded and proceeded to Sheldon's room. She knocked twice on the door before opening it to find him curled on his bed in his formal attire sans jacket.
"What do you want?" he sniffled.
"Just checking in on you, sweetie," she replied. "Booboos and Ouchies, remember?"
"How about total humiliation?"
Penny came in and sat on the bed. She expected to be chastised but that he didn't say a word about her intrusion meant he was really hurting.
"It wasn't that bad," she said soothingly. Sheldon snorted.
"'Being nice about it doesn't mean bullshitting me.'"
"Language, Sheldon," she said softly. "But you're right, my bad."
Silence. And then Sheldon's phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He took it out and glanced at it.
"Amy," he said listlessly. "No doubt she heard my Munchkin impression."
"Ah. I'll let you two talk," Penny said, trying hard not to feel hurt that even this had been transferred to—
"Please don't go."
"I'll be here as long as you need me, sweetie." She heard him sniffle even as he put his phone down on the bed. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur," she sang. "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr."
Her heart broke as instead of soothing her friend she could tell he was crying.
"Sheldon," she said soothingly and put a hand on his arm. Immediately she could feel his body stiffen. "Sorry," she said and removed her hand. "Just want you to know that you're not alone."
"I wish I was," he quietly sobbed. "This is just like second grade when I was pantsed in front of the entire school; only this time I've been humiliated on a national radio program." Again he sniffled. "All my life I've faced ridicule. The only time I've ever felt at peace is when I'm theorizing. Physics has made everything worthwhile." More sniffling and tears. "And now who'll take my work seriously?" His body curled tighter, crinkling a piece of paper on the bed.
Penny didn't know what to say and so she remained silent and let Sheldon cry.
Eventually his breathing, though his nose was stuffed, evened out and she knew he was asleep. She got up and moved to the other side of the bed. Sheldon's eyes were puffy and his cheeks flushed. With pursed lips Penny picked up his phone and placed it on his nightstand. She then spotted the paper and slid it out from under Sheldon's knee.
It was a letter. Written in a neat hand.
Dear Moonpie, it began.
xTBBTx
Penny knocked twice before entering 4A carrying her coffee cup. She saw Sheldon at the sink running water and Leonard in his chair eating cereal. She smiled at Leonard as she walked to the kitchen.
"Morning Sheldon," she said.
"Good morning, Penny," he replied in a flat voice as he turned off the water and placed his bowl, spoon and glass in the drain tray.
"So, what's on the agenda today?" she said, trying her best to remain positive even though she positively hated seeing Sheldon like this. Granted he was an arrogant ass at times but that was him. Homo Novus or whatever it was he called himself. This man before her with his eyes somewhere about her knees as he turned towards her was not Dr. C.
And that pissed her off.
"It's Saturday. It's laundry night," he replied.
"Yeah but that's tonight. You've got the whole day before you."
"Well this morning Leonard and I are cleaning the apartment. After lunch I'll sort laundry and do some paperwork while my clothing presoaks."
"Ah." An idea came to Penny. "How 'bout we go play some mini-putt?"
"It's not Anything Can Happen Thursday," he reminded her.
"Call it a special circumstance."
"What's special about today?" Sheldon asked with a twitchy mouth. "It's merely the day after yesterday."
"Yeah but yesterday was kinda rough."
A muscle popped in his jaw. "As Leonard pointed out to me this morning Kripke's actions were nothing more than a prank." Another twitch passed over his lips even as they pursed. "I failed to see the humor yesterday."
"Because it wasn't funny!" snapped Penny. "Sheldon, he was a complete ass wipe for doing that." She shook her head. "Where's the administration on this? You've gotta file a complaint."
"No one likes a tattler. This will pass and then people will get back to science and my work will escape untarnished," Sheldon explained.
"But what about you?"
"My work is what's important."
"This is crap! Sheldon, you were really hurt and—"
"Penny, I have to evacuate my bowels," he said evenly.
"Well I'm not finished. You count for something, Sheldon. Your feelings matter, too. This Kripke guy shit right where you eat and there's no way he can get aw—"
"Penny, enough," Sheldon said quietly as his eyes met hers. Penny inwardly growled at the loss of something in his blue stare.
She clamped her mouth and stood aside so the lanky physicist could slip past her and venture to the washroom. As soon as the door closed she turned to Leonard.
"You said this was a prank?" she seethed.
"Kripke and Sheldon have a complicated relationship," Leonard said nervously.
"Enlighten me."
"Well, Sheldon's always lording over others and Kripke doesn't like it so he tries to knock Sheldon down a peg every chance he gets."
Penny's mouth dropped. "But that's so juvenile!"
Leonard shrugged. "Well, university or not we're still in school."
Penny frowned. "You'd think with how many times bullies have taken your lunch money you'd treat each other better."
"We might have split the atom but scientists are human, too."
"So's Sheldon," Penny said firmly.
"I told him I'd help him get Kripke back but he's not interested," said Leonard.
"At least someone's being mature."
Leonard placed his cereal bowl on the coffee table.
"I don't think it's maturity per se. When I explained pranks to Sheldon his first instinct was to poison Kripke."
"And that wasn't a clue that Sheldon is hurting?" she asked incredulously.
"I suppose," Leonard said after a moment to think. "It's just that when I said to pick something nonlethal he went to a whoopee cushion." He shrugged again. "For a complicated guy Sheldon's kind of simplistic."
Penny went to the counter and poured herself some coffee.
"Thanks," she said and made her way to the door and her flip-flops. "And by the way, Leonard, you hit the nail on the head with Sheldon. He doesn't get it which is why he gets it from others. That's why his friends have to look out for him."
She closed the door.
Leonard sat back in his chair with a pensive look on his face.
xTBBTx
Penny tried first one corridor then another before giving up for lost. Another turn around the corner and her eyes brightened with hope. Her heeled shoes clicked down the hall until she found the physics office.
"Hi," said Shirley with a wide grin from behind her desk.
"Hey," Penny smiled back. "Listen, I'm trying to find Dr. Leonard Hofstadter's office."
"I can look that up for you but chances are he's in the experimental physics wing." Shirley clicked a few keys on her computer. "Yes, he has the lab booked this morning."
"I hope it's okay to bother him," Penny said. "I'm his neighbor and I'm going away for a few days unexpectedly and I need to give him my keys and some instructions."
"I'm sure it'll be okay," said Shirley. "Take this hall all the way to the other end where you'll find the stairs. Go to the basement and look for Lab 'E'. Be sure to knock and wait for him to open the door because he's working with lasers."
"Sure thing. Thanks." Penny turned and bumped into a wide-eyed older gentleman who took in every ounce of her short skirt, long legs and low cut nature to her peach-colored top. She gave him a devastating smile and slipped by.
She followed Shirley's directions and found herself at the lab door.
"Leonard?" She knocked. "It's Penny."
"Just a minute," he called. A few moments later the door opened and he lifted the red pair of glasses onto the top of his head. "Hey, come on in."
"Thanks." She walked in and looked at a variety of complex equipment on the table before turning to Leonard even as he closed the door. "So this is where you work?"
"This is it," he agreed.
"So what are you working on?"
"Ultrafast lenseless imaging with OPA-driven high-harmonic generation."
Penny smirked. "And in English that means…."
"Many processes in nature such as ultrafast chemical reactions, material dynamics, and electronic transitions, occur on femtosecond and attosecond timescales," explained Leonard. "In order to measure and understand such fast dynamics it is necessary to have a source which can provide temporal resolution on these timescales. One such source is high harmonic generation."
"Didn't understand a word of it but it sounds impressive," Penny said. She cocked her head. "Not bad for, you know, an experimental physicist." They both chuckled.
"I get by," Leonard said. "So what's up?"
"I need a favor."
"Anything."
"Where does Kripke work?"
Leonard smirked. "Do I want to know?"
"Probably not," Penny said with a slight smile.
"I'll take you." Leonard put his red safety glasses on the table and grabbed the lab keys. They walked the hall to the central elevator. "So, still mad at me?"
"I'm not mad at you," Penny said, noting the look of relief on Leonard's face. "The whole situation's sucky and more has to be done than just pranking each other. If national humiliation is just a 'joke' who knows what else would be funny to Kripke. I'd rather not find out."
"I wasn't going to let him get away with it," Leonard amended as they got into the elevator and he pressed the floor button. "I just wasn't going to do what you're going to do now. Which, if I'm guessing correctly, I again don't want to know."
"Nope," she said, popping the P. The elevator doors opened. "Scene of the crime, Leonard."
"Gotcha. This hall," he pointed. "Take it to the end, through the double doors and swing to the right and his office is there."
"Thanks." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and stepped out of the elevator before the doors closed. Penny clicked her way to Kripke's office. Fortunately the door was open and Kripke was typing at his desk.
"Excuse me," Penny said with an innocent smile. "Are you Barry Kripke? Sheldon Cooper's friend?"
Immediately Kripke got up.
"Fow you I'll be Coopah's bwood bwother," he oozed before coming to stand in front of his desk just as Penny entered and closed the door. "Say, youw the giwl fwom the physics bowl. What did you say youw name was? Woxanne?"
"You remember me," Penny said sweetly as she moved to stand in front of Kripke.
"Babe, it's hawd to fowget you," he admitted as his eyes drifted across her chest.
Her eyes narrowed. "Or this." She gave him a swift knee to the groin, dropping the physicist to the ground. "You listen to me," she hissed. "Sheldon can be a jerk and you can call him on that but you won't pull any more crap like you did last Friday."
"Youw cwazy," Kripke moaned.
"I haven't gotten to the crazy part yet," Penny continued. She bent down so the physicist got a good eyeful of her breasts and green eyes. "I know people in the drug trade who owe me favors, kapish?"
Kripke looked at Penny. "So I take it dinnew's off?"
"Completely." The waitress stood and did her best to exude every ounce of 'sexy bitch' she had in her body. "Although you shouldn't complain, a girl actually touched your man parts."
Penny left the office and closed the door behind her. As she walked towards the elevator a wide grin cracked her face.
"Drug trade," she snorted and chuckled.
Her brother the meth cook and her mom the part-time pot smoker.
Not exactly the kingpins of crime but they did the trick.
XxX
Penny finished her chicken pot pie and put the tin and fork in the sink. Granted she shouldn't have eaten so late but work was crazy so she didn't get a chance to have dinner. Besides the crowd she was nervous about the morning. Suppose Kripke called the police? By the end of the shift and no sign of the boys in blue Penny relaxed.
"That's step one," she said as she crossed over to her bookshelf and took up a flat box. "Now for Operation: Cheer Dr. C." It wasn't quite Christmas yet but she gave a what-the-hell shrug.
As she crossed the hall Leonard opened the door to his apartment carrying a bag of garbage.
"Hey," he said brightly. "So, I saw Kripke at lunch and he seemed to have all his fingers and toes."
"Oh he's got everything, just some of it's been rearranged," chuckled Penny.
"My mother is looking forward to meeting you." Amy's voice from the living room.
Penny's heart began to race even as her mood took a leap off a bridge.
"It did the trick though," said Leonard. "Kripke walked—"
"Of course she would," said Sheldon to Amy. "I'm a catch."
"—didn't say a thing to Sheldon," continued Leonard. He noted the strange look on Penny's face. "Are you okay?"
Penny blinked and then put up a smile. "Yeah, I ate late and now I'm regretting it."
"I'm sure Sheldon has some antacids you could use."
"It's okay. I've got some Rolaids. But thanks." She went back to her apartment door.
Leonard was puzzled. "Weren't you coming over?"
"I didn't know Sheldon had company. I'll come over some other time," Penny said.
Leonard closed his door. "Yeah, I don't blame you. They came up with this weird ass game and have been playing it all evening. I tried one question and have been spending the rest of my evening in my bedroom."
"Huh. Good plan. 'Night." Penny entered her apartment and closed the door. With a sigh she tossed the box on the coffee table as she went to her room to lie down. As it hit the table its cover jarred loose revealing a napkin.
Sheldon did have a deal after all.
It just wasn't Penny.
xTBBTx
Penny wheeled her suitcase into the living room. Her Christmas holiday couldn't have come soon enough. She set her purse on her suitcase and sucked in a big breath before crossing over to 4A.
Rapping out 'shave and a haircut' without the last two knocks she entered to find Sheldon and Amy sitting together on the couch with cue cards in hand.
"—and that's why ice cream is Tibet's main export," said Sheldon.
"Correct," confirmed Amy and flipped a card behind the stack.
"Hey," said Penny. "Leonard around?"
With a frown Sheldon knocked twice on the table.
"He's out," he replied.
"Damn."
"Is there something wrong, Penny?" asked Amy.
"It's just that I was going to the airport and was hoping he could give me a lift."
Amy brightened. "I'll take you."
Penny bit her lip. "I don't want to bother you. I mean you're busy."
"While Counterfactuals is an amusing way to pass the time I couldn't imagine anything more magical than chittering away with you about girl things all the way to the airport," the neurobiologist gushed.
The waitress took in Amy's eager face.
"Okay, sure," Penny replied with a little smile. It wasn't Amy's fault that Sheldon liked her.
"Amy, a moment," said Sheldon. "We haven't finished the round."
"Ah yes, I forgot your need for closure," she replied. "It'll only take a moment, Penny."
Sheldon drew a card and cleared his throat. "In a world where trees can walk how does Superman shave?"
Amy cocked her head. "Simple, as comic books aren't published due to the hardship involving trapping trees for pulp we needn't worry about Superman shaving or doing anything else for that matter as he wouldn't exist."
Sheldon frowned. "Incorrect."
Amy raised an eyebrow in surprise. "How is my logic flawed?"
Sheldon put his cards on the table. "It's easy enough to answer. Why I bet even Penny could get it."
"Yeah, but that'd mean Penny actually cared," grunted Penny. "And thanks for the compliment, coach."
"You're welcome," he replied. "Although perhaps I was embellishing your capabilities."
Penny pursed her lips and was about to rip him a new one when an answer came that was so stupid she just had to say it.
"Okay, since there's no paper there's no toilet paper so Supes doesn't have anything to stick to his face after cutting with a Krypton razor so that's out. Therefore he burns it off with his laser eye beams."
"Correct," Sheldon said, stunned.
She turned to Amy. "I'll just grab my suitcase and lock up." Penny smiled at Sheldon. "Don't mess with the mastah. Merry Christmas, Sheldon."
"I thought you didn't celebrate Saturnalia?" Amy said to the physicist.
"Yeah but I do so that trumps that," sniffed Penny. "I suppose you don't celebrate Christmas either?"
"I believe it functions well as a method of familial bonding," replied Amy. "Unfortunately my addiction study keeps me in town over the holidays." Here she smiled. "Although Sheldon and I are getting together Christmas evening for dinner and a documentary on the introduction of the Hawaiian cane toad to Australia and its disastrous results."
"Oh," said Penny. She put on a brave face. "That's nice."
"You seem disappointed," said Amy. "We could record the documentary for you if you'd like."
"That's okay," Penny said quickly as she turned to go.
Amy got up and grabbed her purse. "In that case I'll relate the central premise since I'm not spoiling it for you."
"Really, Amy, you don't have to," Penny called over her shoulder from the hall.
"It's not a bother at all." Amy slipped on her loafers. "I'll text you later," she said to Sheldon before exiting and closing the door behind her.
xTBBTx
After stretching and his vocal test, Sheldon slipped on his housecoat and slippers and made his way to the washroom. He then ventured to the living room to find Leonard on the couch drinking coffee and Penny's mini Christmas tree on the coffee table.
"Merry Christmas," the shorter physicist said with a smile, knowing it'd drive his roommate nuts.
"Good morning, Leonard," replied Sheldon. "And bah humbug for the record."
"Don't be like that or you won't get your presents," Leonard teased.
Immediately Sheldon was stricken.
"But I don't want any presents," he complained. "I don't need the obligation."
"It's not an obligation, Sheldon. People give gifts because they want to not because they expect anything back. Now the envelope's for you."
"Fine," snorted Sheldon. "But I'm taking these presents under formal protest."
"The record shall so reflect," chuckled Leonard.
Sheldon opened the envelope and pulled out the Christmas card with a Santa Claus on it laughing out a 'Ho, ho, ho'. He rolled his eyes before reading the card. It was from Leonard and promised a trip to Disney World in the Spring.
"This isn't in the Roommate Agreement," Sheldon said at last.
"Sheldon, we're friends. It's what friends do."
"Oh. I see. Your onus on me to reciprocate has been noted," said Sheldon.
Leonard cracked a grin even as he chuckled. "You're welcome."
"Huh," mused Sheldon. "Twenty five years without a friend and then three plop right in my lap."
"And speaking of friends." Leonard indicated the box on the table.
Sheldon sighed. "More obligations. How thoughtful." He picked it up and lifted the top to see a signed napkin. As he read color drained from his face as his jaw dropped.
"What?" asked Leonard innocently.
"'To Sheldon, Live Long And Prosper. Leonard Nimoy'!" gasped Sheldon. His finger lightly traced the actor's signature before he took up the napkin proper. Written on the cardboard beneath in Penny's loopy writing was 'Merry Saturnalia Dr. C!'
Leonard stared at his friend with warm eyes. "Awesome, huh? Penny said she met him at the restaurant and, oh, to forgive her for the smudge on the napkin. She didn't have a clean one handy so he used one he'd wiped his mouth with and—"
Sheldon was staggered. "You mean that I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!"
"Yeah, I told Penny not to worry about it." Leonard noted Sheldon's hand began to shake as it held the boxed napkin. "You okay?" His roommate's eyes, wet with tears, came to his face.
"How am I supposed to thank her for this?" Sheldon said hoarsely. "There's nothing I could possibly give her that'd even compare."
"Ask her out," Leonard said simply.
"Out where?"
Leonard blinked. "Sheldon, she likes you."
"Of course she does. We're friends." The lanky physicist put the lid back on the napkin and wiped his eyes.
"I mean more than that. I mean romantically."
Now it was Sheldon's turn to blink. "Oh."
"Oh?" Leonard said incredulously. "Penny likes you and all you can say is 'oh'?"
"I thought she was my friend."
"She is your friend."
Sheldon frowned. "Then why does she wish to copulate with me?"
"Did she say she wanted to copulate with you?"
"No. This must violate the Friendship Agreement."
"Believe me, Sheldon, it enhances it. I can't even begin to tell you how much better you are than when I first met you. Penny really did wonders."
Sheldon thought for a moment.
"I don't know if I like this development," he said. "I barely comprehend our existing dynamic."
Leonard got up to put his coffee cup on the counter.
"You like it alright." He went to just in front of the washroom before turning around. "You're lucky, y'know."
"How could I possibly be fortunate with this turn of events?" Sheldon asked incredulously.
"Because you met a kind and warm and beautiful woman who gets you a Leonard Nimoy napkin and hangs out with you even though you're, well, you." Sheldon made to speak. "And whatever you think you feel let me tell you it's been obvious to Raj, Howard and me that you like Penny, too."
"We're friends, Leonard," Sheldon said firmly.
"Going down swinging, huh?" snorted Leonard amusedly. "Swimming in de-nial, denial, denial," he sang as he entered the washroom.
Sheldon glared at the door before his eyes dropped to the box in his hands. He removed the lid and after another long look at the napkin he picked it up to again read Penny's Christmas greeting.
XxX
Amy knocked at 4A and waited until Leonard answered the door.
"Hey Amy," he said as he adjusted his tie. "Sheldon's in his room." He turned to the hallway. "Sheldon! Amy's here!"
"Thank you, Leonard." Amy slipped off her shoes and sprayed her feet before stepping into the room proper. "By your attire I'm assuming you're going out."
"Yeah, I've got a date with Stephanie. She's on-call until seven so she couldn't have dinner with the folks so we're going out to a restaurant for Christmas dinner."
"Yes, Leonard's about to engage in the dance so he can later do the rumba with no pants as Wolowitz would say," tsked Sheldon as he came down the hall into the living room.
"Don't mind him," Leonard smirked as he took up his suit jacket from the back of his computer chair. "His hyper-stimulated amygdala's making him snarky this evening."
Amy looked at Sheldon curiously as the latter sat in his spot in a big-ass pout.
"No it's not," Sheldon said brusquely. "So there!" He stuck out his tongue. "Nyah!"
"You do seem agitated," said Amy as she sat at the other end of the couch to better observe her friend.
"Oh, he's agitated alright," giggled Leonard. "Penny's got his mojo hopping."
"She does not," huffed Sheldon. "As I recall you're the one who sought romantic relations with her."
"And as I recall someone in this room didn't like that."
"I didn't say anything to that regard," frowned Sheldon. "You're making unsupported assertions."
"Unsupported? Alright. How about when you told me that you wouldn't put up with me pursuing Penny?"
"I meant if she refused your paradigm shift, which she did."
"And telling Howard to back off Penny?"
"Penny obviously doesn't like Howard. She tolerates him for our benefit. As Penny's friend I shouldn't be responsible for putting her into undesired situations."
"And when you freaked at her going on a date with her ex?"
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "You've met Kurt. He's a bully who's built like a brick crap house as Meemaw says."
Leonard put his hands in the air. "All I'm saying is that it's interesting you only freak out when other men are interested in Penny." He took his keys from the bowl.
"I'm her friend. It's my duty to ensure her safety."
"De-nial, denial, denial," sang Leonard as he went out and closed the door behind him.
Amy took in Sheldon's sour expression. "You're upset. Discuss."
"Leonard's changed the whole dynamic of Penny's and my relationship. Until this morning she and I were simply friends and now he's suggesting she 'likes me'"—here he used air quotes with his fingers—"in an amorous fashion."
"And you're angry because you don't reciprocate these feelings," Amy sought to clarify.
"I suppose so." He paused as he thought things over. "I mean I assume I am." He regarded his friend. "It feels different." Here he sighed disgustedly. "Good Lord that woman'll be the death of me."
"My curiosity's piqued." Amy got off the couch and dragged Sheldon's whiteboard to the center of the room. "Let's map out your symptoms." She popped the lid off a marker. "You now know that Penny likes you and you experience…."
"My abdominal muscles contract. There's a reduction of blood flow to my stomach causing a butterflies-like sensation. I feel a heightened awareness of Penny as, for instance, I've spent the afternoon recalling moments I've spent with her." He narrowed his brow in confusion. "And yet there's anxiety and apprehension."
"Why?"
"This is all supposition. Leonard's the one who has proposed this hypothesis, not Penny, and most certainly not me. Given his flawed methodology demonstrated time and again on his whiteboard it's highly unlikely he's right about this."
Amy finished writing and drew a line to start another column.
"Alright, we'll take another approach. Suppose you're right and Leonard has this all wrong. How does that make you feel?"
"Vindicated. As I've told myself repeatedly this afternoon Penny and I are friends."
"And you feel satisfied with that paradigm?"
"Of course."
"And if Penny then decides to court another mate?" asked Amy.
"It's her right. I mean I don't own Penny." Sheldon shrugged. "Although as her friend I'm surely allotted some sort of say in whom she dates."
"Or marries."
Silence.
Amy capped her marker. "Sheldon, looking over this board there are few choices: you have a tumor pressing on your hypothalamus, a second personality is emerging or you are experiencing a romantic attachment to Penny."
"You forgot one. Given my stomach complaint I could be hosting an alien parasite."
Amy cocked her head. "Where would you have picked one up?"
"Well I did eat a Taco Bell burrito I later learned Leonard had purchased the previous day," suggested Sheldon.
"I somehow doubt Taco Bell is a front for a hostile extraterrestrial takeover of Earth but if it puts you at ease we can have your stomach x-rayed," Amy said matter-of-factly. "As for the other possibilities, given the frequency in which you have your brain scanned for Leonard's mother I doubt the tumor. You are at times a left-handed monkey wrench but in all other respects mentally sound. Therefore the only remaining possibility is most likely. You like Penny."
"I'm a man of science," sniffed Sheldon. "Where's the vetting? The genetic compatibility? I can't just 'like' someone willy-nilly." He paused. "That's just absurd." Another pause. "Besides, this whole scenario of Penny having 'feelings' for me is still conjecture."
"Then we need to devise an experiment to see if she has a romantic interest in you in such a way that will not compromise your friendship should she not."
"This is poppycock." A further pause. "Although I'm curious as to what experiment you have in mind?"
"Traditionally a date is the protocol," said Amy.
Sheldon nodded. "Like to a prize fight?"
"I was thinking something less draconian. How about dinner?"
"We already have dinner at my apartment," replied Sheldon.
"Take her out to a restaurant. Nothing too formal but above fast-food," Amy offered.
"I suppose I could research a satisfactory eating establishment," mused Sheldon. "It's no big deal. We already conduct communal meals. Yes, I could see that." He pursed his lips. "There's only one problem."
"What's that?"
"If you're wrong and it does turn out I have an alien parasite the date could end with it bursting forth from my body, spraying her with my bodily fluids before ultimately eating her. What woman would like that?"
Amy paused as she thought of Penny covered in Sheldon's fluids.
"It's a risk we'll have to take," she said evenly.
xTBBTx
University of Oxford: Ultrafast lenseless imaging with OPA-driven high-harmonic generation