Reference to and dialogue from: 'The Justice League Recombination'; 'The 21 Second Excitation'; 'The Rothman Disintegration'; 'The Large Hadron Collision'; 'The Pulled Groin Extrapolation'; 'The Wildebeest Implementation'; 'The Weekend Vortex'; 'The Vacation Solution'; 'The Wheaton Occurrence'
xTBBTx
It had been a refreshing holiday in Nebraska. Greg, Penny's brother, was sticking to his bail conditions and staying away from his co-conspirator and meth cook so there was no revocation like last time. As for her nephew he really liked the Hellblazer Volume One Sheldon had picked out at the comic book store.
The only downer part came one morning when it was just her mother and her at the table. Anne wanted Penny to stay home, maybe go back to school. Penny assured her that things were going okay in California and that she wanted to play out the acting shtick as long and as far as she could take it.
Now after a ten hour flight and cab home all Penny wanted to do was get in, say hello to the guys and have a bite to eat from the care package her mother packed. She unlocked her door and entered, taking off her back pack and setting it on the couch before rolling her suitcase to her bedroom door.
It took her a moment before the smell of lemony freshness penetrated her consciousness as she realized she didn't own any lemon-scented candles. Looking around the living room she noted that everything was in its place: no stray dishes or ramen noodle cups or clothes were in sight.
"Guess he liked the napkin," Penny smirked.
She went to unpack the foodstuff but stopped short as she opened the refrigerator to see it fully stocked.
Except for milk.
Penny chuckled. "Guess the 'milk thief' is still in action."
She went over to 4A and gave her incomplete knock before opening the door.
"Hey guys," she said cheerily as Leonard and Sheldon were at their computers. Amy was on the couch reading Neuron magazine.
"How was your trip?" asked Leonard as he turned his chair to his neighbor.
"Good to be home. Better to be back."
"Your radiance was missed," agreed Amy. She glanced at Sheldon and nodded.
Sheldon knocked twice on his desk and got up from his seat with a packet of letters in hand and went to Penny.
"Here's your mail," he said evenly.
"Thanks," she said and then gave a bigger smile. "And thanks for you know what although you didn't have to do that."
"I realize it isn't enough but I wasn't sure what to get you short of a new car—"
"I don't need a new car," Penny said quickly. "I'm just happy you like your gift."
"More than I could ever say."
"Good." She tapped him lightly on the arm with her letters. "Well I better go unpack."
"Wait!' She turned to Sheldon. He cleared his throat. "You've had a long flight and require nourishment. To this end I suggest we go out for dinner. My treat."
"Thanks but I really don't feel like driving," Penny said.
"I'll drive you," said Amy as she stood. "After all, you two have so much to catch up on and Leonard's too busy with his article to drive."
Leonard raised a curious eyebrow. "Actually I—"
"No need to apologize," Amy continued as she nearly bore a hole in his head with her eyes. "You can drive them next time."
"Ah." A light bulb went on in Leonard's head. "Sure, thanks Amy."
"Come, Penny, let's get you freshened up so you can tell us all about your folky Christmas gathering," said Amy as she practically shooed Penny from the door.
"Uh, okay. Thanks," said Penny. "Let me just change and I'll be ready to go."
After her door closed Sheldon looked to Amy.
"I'm unsure about this," he said at last.
"Don't worry," the neurobiologist said under her breath. "You've conversed with Penny on numerous occasions. Treat this as another meeting only this time you're gathering particular data."
"I suppose," Sheldon said. He straightened his shoulders. "Commencing Project Gorilla."
XxX
"How was your holiday?" asked Sheldon as they ate.
"It was good. My brother made bail so it was kinda nice having everyone together y'know?" Penny smiled. "By the way, my nephew loved the comic book."
"Trade paper back."
"Eh, potAto potAHto. Anyhoo, my Aunt Heather came over with her new beau she met at a neighbor's barn raising. So funny considering she said she'd never—"
Sheldon shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry I don't find this interesting."
Penny smirked. "Alright. What do you want to talk about, Sheldon?"
"Well there's a lot of things we could talk about. Perhaps the differing climate in Nebraska or maybe you commencing a coital or romantic relationship over the holidays?"
"What? No! God, I ran away from Nebraska, remember?"
"Yes, but Kurt and Justin followed you here."
Penny snorted. "No more stragglers, I promise." She swirled the fettuccine with her fork. "But speaking of dates, how was Christmas with Amy?" she asked lightly.
"Alright."
"Well?" Sheldon looked at her questioningly. "Details, man! It's your first date."
Sheldon put down his fork. "How was it a date? Amy came over for dinner and a documentary. You're frequently at my place for dinner." He paused. "I somehow doubt watching a documentary is paramount to courtship."
Penny was confused. "But I thought you were seeing each other?"
"Where did you get such a foolish idea?" tsked Sheldon. "Amy is a girl and a friend but not my girlfriend."
"So why did you say you were a catch?"
"I don't understand the context."
"When Amy said you were meeting her mother you said you were a catch."
"Ah. Well I would be a catch. I'm gainfully employed, educated, all four wisdom teeth fit neatly in my mouth and my bowel is as regular as a German train schedule."
"But not her catch," Penny said to try and clarify things.
"Amy wanted me to pose as her boyfriend so she could get her mother off her back. Apparently she's supposed to go on minimally one date a year to appease Mrs. Fowler, hence the reason why she was on the dating website." He frowned slightly. "How did you know about this?"
"I was in the hall with Leonard and heard part of your conversation," Penny said awkwardly.
"I see." He cleared his throat and stared at Penny's shoulder. "Amy and I have a relationship of the mind. Beyond that I'm not interested in her or anyone else."
"Oh."
Sheldon's stomach tightened at her tone.
"If I was interested in a woman it wouldn't be Amy," he added.
"Why not?" gasped Penny. "You two are practically two peas in a pod."
"Yes but I'm comfortable with our current paradigm and don't see a reason to change it." He shrugged. "I'm a believer in homeostasis."
"Which is?"
"Homeostasis refers to a system's ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH."
Penny snorted. "Glad that clears things up."
"Sarcasm?" She touched her nose twice. "Good, I noticed that. Anyways, what it all boils down to is that I don't like when things change."
"So once they're down they're set in stone, huh?" She took a sip of cranberry juice.
"Exactly."
A smirk came to Penny's lips. "So does that mean you knew we'd be friends right from the beginning?"
"Actually I wished the transvestite with the skin condition would come back to your apartment," Sheldon admitted.
"Gee thanks." She took another sip and set the glass back on the table. "So it was really that bad for you?"
"You were annoying." A pause and then his eyes flashed her face. "You still are."
"All a part of my charm, Sheldon," Penny pumpkin grinned.
"So it seems."
They resumed eating.
"So, got anything planned for New Years?" asked Penny.
"Yes; Stuart is having a costume party. There's a prize for best dressed group so we're going." Here Sheldon sighed. "Although we don't have a prayer what with Leonard dressing as Superman wearing heeled boots. Who is he trying to kid?"
An idea came to Penny. "Well there's my friend Zack. Tall, blue eyes, muscled—not Kurt muscled," she amended. "Normal guy muscles."
"Hmm. That could work. That would give us the Flash, Superman, Green Lantern, Bat-Man and Wonder Woman."
"Who's not going?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've got four guys going with Zack and then Wonder Woman. Who's that, Amy?"
"Of course not," Sheldon snorted. "Amy doesn't believe in dressing up in costume." Again he sighed. "Raj is going as Wonder Woman."
Penny chuckled. "You're kidding."
"Oh, I wish I was."
"Wow. Well, good luck with that."
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "Of course if you're not doing anything that night—"
"Haven't checked my messages but I'm sure Gwen has something planned," Penny said quickly. "You know, it's New Years."
"A time best spent with friends and family," he pointed out.
"Or dancing your butt off."
"And imbibing alcohol and attracting strange men."
"It's called having fun."
"No, it's called an STD test at the local health clinic."
Penny laughed. "Since when did you become all king of coitus?"
"Now you're just being silly," snorted Sheldon. "I'm merely suggesting that things needn't necessarily come to physical relations just because you meet someone of the opposite sex." Pause. "A supreme intellect can impart knowledge and guidance which is far more appealing if you ask me."
"Oh really?" Penny said amiably.
"Look, he can solve for Pi to the thirty first number. Hubba hubba," Sheldon said awkwardly.
Penny took a drink and a little smile came to her face. "God I missed you."
xTBBTx
Zack and Penny entered the party and costume shop.
"So Leonard wants me to be Superman," he said with a shake of the head. "I dunno if I can handle the responsibility."
"You'll be fine, Zack," Penny said with a smirk. He was a cutie in his jeans and tight black t-shirt but damn he was dumb. The thing was, until she met Sheldon she didn't know what smart really was. Okay and crazy. And Sheldon was right—genius was kinda hot.
"Too bad you're busy tonight. It's going to be awesome at the comic store," Zack continued as they walked the aisles.
"Yeah, well Gwen's having a party at her place and she went to my Hallowe'en one so I kinda owe her."
"Pen, it's not like New Years happens every year," he said seriously. "You can party up with Gwen any time. Tonight is special."
"I know, and I'm spending it with my friends," she countered. They stopped in the Superhero section and both started flipping through the costumes.
"Ah," he nodded. "I just thought since he came to the football game that Leonard was your friend."
"He is my friend. I mean we're neighbors. Just because we live across from each other doesn't mean we have to spend every waking moment together." Pause. "Okay, sure, we eat together most nights and maybe watch movies. Sure he got my tv and money back from Kurt but I have other friends too."
Zack turned his head to her.
"I thought it was that Sheldon guy who got your stuff back from Kurt?"
Penny woke from her reverie with a start.
"Uh, yeah. He did," she said.
"Huh. Maybe he should be Superman," Zack snorted and resumed flipping through costumes. "Leonard said we'd get a trophy if we win. How cool is that?"
"Pretty cool," Penny said diplomatically as she absently looked through the women's section. All she was looking forward to was a night of alcoholic bliss and with luck someone to spend the rest of the night. Penny inwardly sighed. Last New Years was spent with Kurt. Then things had horribly changed and she was alone.
Piercing blue eyes and a pursed lips scowl.
"Or am I?" she whispered as her hand ran over a gold, red, and blue costume.
XxX
Leonard slipped his mask on his face and in that moment he was a green blur. Add his glasses and the green blur in the mirror became the Green Lantern.
He exited the washroom and came down the hall to meet the rest of the Justice League.
"All hail Green Lantern," said Howard in his Bat-Man outfit. "All we need is Supes and we're in business."
"And what a Superman we have," beamed Sheldon as he adjusted his Flash cowl. "His blue eyes and dark hair. Why he even has a lock of hair curled on his brow."
"Yeah, he's kinda dreamy," agreed Leonard.
"We're a dream team," said Raj with a wide smile and a hand on his hip.
"We're something, alright," snorted Howard as he took in Raj's Wonder Woman outfit.
"Hey, I lost three pounds to get into this so have some respect," pouted the astrophysicist. "Besides, I think I look good with a big chest. My shoulders don't look as wide."
"And on that note, where's Zack?" asked Leonard.
"Over at Penny's," said Sheldon. "But the party starts at nine so we'd better collect him and go."
They all exited the apartment and while Leonard locked up Sheldon went to Penny's door.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny and Zack."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny and Zack."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny and Zack."
The door opened and Sheldon's eyes widened as he took in Penny's ample cleavage and blushy face as she stood before him in a Wonder Woman outfit.
"Wow," Howard squeaked while Raj scowled.
"Hey, I was wondering if I could tag along?" Penny said tentatively as Zack came to stand behind her.
"I told her we already have a Wonder Woman," he said. "So if she wanted to come she should be someone else—"
"No!" Sheldon, Leonard and Howard blurted.
The lanky physicist cleared his throat.
"What we mean to say is that you're more than welcome to join our merry band," he said before turning to Raj. "Go home and change."
The astrophysicist whispered furiously into Howard's ear.
"No one cares that you waxed your legs for this," Howard snapped. "Penny's our Wonder Woman."
"Okay, let me get my purse," said Penny.
Raj waited for her to depart before stomping his foot. "But I don't want to be Aquaman! He sucks!"
XxX
Penny scooped some cheese ball with a cracker and popped it into her mouth. It was well after eleven on New Years Eve and she was sober. Now that's a change. If she was at Gwen's place there'd be no doubt she'd be sucking face with some guy with a great set of abs and a cute hinnie.
"Maybe Darwin should have been a butt doctor," Penny snorted.
Zack came over to the snack table. "Great party huh?"
"Be nice if they had some alcohol. Or another girl in the store."
"Yeah but we have costumes and bobbing for Kryptonite and pin the cape on Bat-Man." He picked up a bowl of chocolates and offered them to Penny. "Milk Dud?"
Penny chuckled and took some.
Across the way Sheldon was surveying the room and estimated that his group's version of JLA had the superior costumes. That and his Superman was six feet tall and muscled and Wonder Woman was a female. His eyes caught Penny and Zack munching on food and chatting away.
"They make a cute couple," said a familiar voice that immediately made Sheldon curl his hands into fists. He turned to see Wil Wheaten in a Green Arrow costume with a drink in hand and a disarming smile on his face. "Hello Sheldon."
"Hello Wil Wheaton," Sheldon said icily.
"I noticed you came in with an impressive Justice League."
"The trophy is more than certainly mine," Sheldon agreed. "This'll be twice I best you."
"I suppose," Wil said sadly. "Of course it helps you've got an amazing Wonder Woman and Superman. So how long have they been dating?"
"They aren't dating. They're friends."
"The way they're giggling things up? Huh," said Wil innocently. "I bet they went out at some point. See how easily they touch each other? A hand here, a poke there. Look, she's feeding him a cheese puff."
"Unsanitary," Sheldon said although he found he couldn't stop looking at Zack and Penny.
"Still it was nice bringing them out." Wil shrugged. "Who knows, maybe you'll be responsible for bringing them back together?"
Out of the corner of her eye Penny caught Sheldon and Wil standing together looking at her. Immediately her eyes narrowed and she excused herself from Zack and approached the pair.
"What's up?" she said lightly as she stared intensely at Wil.
"Just having a conversation," he said in an equally light tone. "If you'll excuse me." He ambled off towards Leonard and Stuart.
"So what did he want?" Penny asked Sheldon.
"Just some inane chatter," Sheldon said before straightening and clasping his hands behind his back. "Penny, you realize this night is important to me."
"Sure," she shrugged. "You want your trophy."
"That's right. So you can't leave with Zack until the judging," he said evenly.
"Where the hell did you get that from?" she growled in surprise and then her eyes narrowed. "Did that guy say Zack and I were going out—because we so totally aren't."
"But you did."
"Just one night," she admitted.
"I see."
Penny rolled her eyes.
"Alright everyone," said Stuart in a loud voice. "Gather together in your groups for judging. Make it snappy 'cause midnight's approaching!"
The people sorted each other out until they formed into several Justice Leagues.
Stuart adjusted his Tom Baker Doctor Who scarf around his neck.
"Okay, and the winner of this year's costume party is—the Justice League of America." The room was stock still. "Number three!"
The gang roared in cheers and shouts as they jumped and high fived each other. After regaining some sort of composure Sheldon made his way to Stuart and took the proffered trophy.
"Thank you," he said. "Given my team's obvious superiority it's no surprise that—"
"Countdown!" said Stuart. "Ten! Nine!"
"But I'm not finished!" Sheldon protested.
The rest of the store joined in the count until zero was reached and nothing but loud cheer and noisemakers filled the air.
Before she knew what was what Zack wrapped an arm around Penny's waist and pulled her in.
"Happy New Years, Pen," he said and kissed her.
She shortened it up and smiled stiffly at him before turning to see where Sheldon was. The physicist looked away and Penny knew in her sinking stomach that he had seen the kiss.
Immediately Penny went to Leonard.
"Happy New Year!" she said loudly and planted a kiss before leaving a positively stunned Leonard for Raj and gave him a kiss. She turned and there was Howard waiting expectantly. "You've got a girlfriend."
"Yeah, but Leonard has a girlfriend," Howard pointed out.
"He won't pervert this," she said with a crooked smile.
Howard smirked even as he nodded. "Yeah, you're right."
Penny came over to Sheldon. "Well, I'd kiss you too but I imagine all the germs would gross you out," she said lightly.
"Immensely," he agreed and before he could say anything further Penny wrapped him in a hug. His hand came up and lightly, albeit awkwardly, patted her back.
"Happy New Year, Moonpie," she said as she leaned back with a goofy grin.
"Don't call me Moonpie. Only Meemaw can call me that," he said stiffly.
"And why does she call you that?"
"That's between her and me."
"Ya know ya wanna tell me," Penny winked.
"No, what I want to do is correct your grammar," he replied evenly. Blue eyes met green. "Happy New Year, Penny."
"Next up, Comic book trivia!" said Stuart. "Winner gets a twenty dollar store gift certificate."
Sheldon perked up and Penny could feel his excitement.
"Go kick some ass," she smiled.
"Language, Penny," he said with a glint in his eyes.
xTBBTx
Sheldon sat down at his desk and answered his Skype call from Amy.
"Happy New Year," she said evenly.
"And to you," he replied. "I have an update on Project Gorilla."
Amy raised an eyebrow. "Oh? I thought you were at the party at the comic book store?"
"I was. Penny decided unexpectedly to join us. She was an integral member of the team and consequently we won the best ensemble trophy."
"With her smoldering good looks and kind-hearted can-do attitude who couldn't help but vote for her?"
Sheldon cocked his head. "You seem to be fixated on Penny's appearance."
"Am I?" Amy paused to ponder his statement. "She is dazzling. Perhaps I'm being overwhelmed by her radiant aura."
"Please," Sheldon snorted. "She's an 'actress' working for minimum wage at a family restaurant not a Nobel Prize laureate."
"Name me one Nobel Prize laureate more attractive than Penny?"
"Well, Dr. Feynman really did a lot with his shoulder length locks," mused the physicist.
"Hmm. Before we continue with the experiment perhaps we should better define your sexual orientation. Are you, in fact, bisexual or merely expressing a homosexual observation?"
Sheldon paused. "Well I'm working under the assumption I'm heterosexual. Of course, I've never been attracted to anyone sexually or romantically so this is conjecture." He paused as he remembered Penny in her Wonder Woman outfit. "However I have to say that I do recognize female comeliness."
"Fair enough," nodded Amy. "Now, continue your news from last night."
"We functioned within our defined parameters until the stroke of midnight and the revelry began." His mouth twitched. "Penny hugged me and called me 'Moonpie'."
"That's good."
"She also kissed Zack, Leonard and Raj. Obviously she holds us in the same regard."
"Not necessarily. Does she refer to them by pet names?"
"Not to my knowledge. And Moonpie isn't her pet name it's Meemaw's." Sheldon frowned. "I have no idea how she learned that."
"Interesting that she'd delve into your history to find out." Amy pursed her lips in thought. "There are definite observations but they're inconclusive. I'll need to gather more data before we can further refine the experiment."
"What do you propose?"
"A direct interaction. It's the only way to ensure we're on the right track."
"I suppose."
Amy leaned forward. "Sheldon, what's wrong?"
"I'm still unsure about all this."
"Which is why we need to acquire information quickly and quietly so you can analyze the data. It's the only way to make a clear and concise decision on whether to proceed with a romantic relationship or else remain platonic."
"Agreed." Sheldon glanced towards the door. "Leonard's home."
"Understood." The screen went black and Sheldon closed the laptop before retreating to his room.
xTBBTx
The phone rang and Penny put Jersey Shore on mute and checked to see who it was.
"Huh," she said as she recognized the name before answering. "Hello?"
"Hello Penny, it's Amy Farrah Fowler. How are you physically and emotionally—perhaps even existentially?"
"Uh, fine on all fronts. What's up?" Penny wondered how Amy got her number. Must have been Sheldon.
"I realized that being Sheldon's neighbor means we'll be in contact quite frequently so I thought it best we should alter our relationship from acquaintances to friends."
Penny took a moment to process this and when she did, bit her lip to keep from laughing. It's like Sheldon two point oh. "Uh, sure."
"It's my understanding that friendships initiate with outings for hot beverages or a social activity such as a slumber party or shared meal."
"I guess—although a sleepover is usually something kids do."
"Oh. That's too bad. I've always wanted to be invited to a slumber party."
"You never were?"
"Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out, and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn't make it through the night but up 'til then it was kind of fun."
"That's just…." Penny didn't know what to say. "Wow."
"I'm sure you were invited to many slumber parties. The makeovers. Initiating phony phone calls. Having spirited pillow fights in your frilly nighties."
This time Penny couldn't stop the chuckle from coming out. "More like yapping about boys, watching movies and overdosing on chips, popcorn and pizza."
"Interesting. And how frequently did you have them?"
"I dunno. Sometimes it was for birthday parties but a lot of the time it just happened where someone came over and stayed late and then it became an all-nighter."
"Understood."
"So…want to do coffee sometime?"
"I'd prefer tepid water."
"Sure. So when's good for you?"
"How about now?"
"Uh," Penny considered getting out of her comfy clothes but after pulling a double yesterday she really didn't want to muster the energy. "I don't really want to go out. How about Sunday?"
"Sunday's fine."
"Okay. There's a little coffee shop south on Los Robles."
"I'm familiar with it. I met Sheldon there. Shall we say two o'clock?"
"Two's fine. … Well I guess I'll talk to you then."
"What if I have something imperative to say before then?"
"Then we'll talk before then."
"Excellent. Goodbye."
Penny hung up the phone and set it beside her. She'd say that had to be the strangest conversation she'd had but after knowing Sheldon she knew that was an exaggeration.
She took a sip of pop and wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She stared at her sleeve and laughed.
"Frilly nightie," she snorted.
XxX
"Man, it'd be nice if there was an app to show me where to get those shoes," Penny said as she drooled over a particular pair of pumps worn in a cosmetics ad as she flipped through a style magazine.
There was a knock at the door so she turned down the stereo before answering.
"Amy?" she said, surprised.
"Given the scenario of you not wishing to leave your apartment at this time I was left with no other choice but to come over." Amy held up a grocery bag. "I brought chips and popcorn should our conversation extend far into the night."
An amused smirk came to Penny's face. "Come on in."
Amy entered and placed the junk food on the counter before settling herself down in Sheldon's chair, placing what looked like an overnight bag beside her feet. She clasped her knees with her hands and sat stiffly.
"Uh, would you like some hot water or tea?" offered Penny. "I've also got some wine."
"Tepid water would be fine. We'll save the wine for later when we delve into the topic of boys." She cocked her head. "I've brought the snacks. You need to provide the movie."
"Oh." Penny thought. "Well, it's been a while since I've seen Grease. It's a cheesy movie but I like it."
"I've never seen it."
Penny's mouth dropped. "You never saw Grease?"
"My mother forbid it. She was afraid it would compel me to join a gang," explained Amy.
"I'm sure you'll be fine," Penny said with a smile as she went to find the dvd.
XxX
"Fine, I'll take your course," huffed Leonard. "But I'm still taking Stephanie to Cern."
"This is beyond a course, Leonard," Sheldon said icily. "You're flagrantly disregarding the Roommate Agreement which you signed, I may add, without coercion."
"I was distracted," the shorter physicist said. "Besides, I didn't think half the things in it would ever happen."
"Why would I waste my time writing impossible scenarios?"
"You mean you expect to be a robot at some point?"
"There are advancements in technology all the time," sniffed Sheldon. Leonard rolled his eyes.
"Sheldon, I'm taking Stephanie. End of story."
"But why?" Sheldon pouted. "Ever since I was a child I dreamed of going to Cern. There's no way Dr. Stephanie could ever appreciate the significance of the collider as I would."
"The collider's for me. It's the rest of the trip that's for Stephanie."
Sheldon frowned. "Then why don't you take a vacation?"
"Because I couldn't afford the accommodations we're going to be staying at and wine and dine her at the same time."
"Then don't wine and dine her. She already seems satisfied with your typical underachievement. Why buck the trend?"
Leonard sighed. "Sheldon, this is my chance at real quality time. Stephanie's a doctor and always takes me out to fancy restaurants. I just want to take her someplace fancy for once."
Sheldon folded his arms across his chest. "And did she say you had to reciprocate?"
"No, but women like things like this."
"You didn't pick this off the internet, did you? Because your previous exploits proved that you're not cruising the most accurate websites."
"It's a social custom," Leonard said with a scowl. "Traditionally a man treated a woman to outings. Nowadays we alternate but I want to really wow her." Sheldon pursed his lips. "Look, if you ever find another one of your species I'm more than willing to give up the opportunity so you could take her somewhere special."
"Alright." Sheldon thought for a moment. "Then as of this moment if I'm ever invited to a pool party at Bill Gates' house you are hereby not invited."
"Fair enough," Leonard said.
XxX
"So anyways, the visit was nice but if I'd stayed any longer I would have gone insane," said Penny as she sat stretched out on the couch in her comfy pajama bottoms and pink camisole. "Completely reminded me why I left Nebraska." She took a sip of wine.
Amy nodded. "While I didn't feel the siren call of Hollywood I, too, wished to leave my childhood dwelling."
"Ah. Things bad at home?"
"Far from it. It was a refuge from a world of friendlessness and loneliness." She took a sip of wine. "My mother was the only one to sign my yearbook. 'Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom.'"
"Wow." Penny took a big gulp of wine. "You mean you never had any friends?"
"Well I did eat my lunch with the school janitor until his wife called me a puta."
"Crap Amy, that's terrible."
"I can't say it was enjoyable but it's in the past now," soothed Amy. "Although I doubt someone as invigorating as yourself would have to deal with awkward social interactions with men." Penny snorted.
"You should have been at Kurt's and my apartment the last month before I moved out." Amy raised an inquiring eyebrow. "Kurt's my ex. He cheated on me and then I moved here."
"So you never would have met Sheldon if Kurt hadn't cheated." Amy took a sip of wine.
"I guess." Penny smirked. "Never thought about it that way. Guess our meeting was destiny."
"I don't know if I would go that far but it is fortuitous."
"Yeah." Both women sipped their drinks. "You ever have a boyfriend?"
"While I desire friendships I find romantic relationships to be an unnecessary cultural construct."
"Ah, they're not that bad Ames."
"My best boyfriend to date is Armen the miniature horse breeder. I made him up to get mother off my back. Unfortunately things unraveled when I couldn't fabricate where we had met."
"At a miniature horse show?" offered Penny.
Amy cocked her head. "Where were you three years ago?"
"Happens to the best of us." Penny giggled. "Actually, I'm not gonna knock you 'cause I'm 'seeing' a fake boyfriend at the moment."
"Oh?"
"This goes no where but I told my parents I was dating Sheldon."
Fascinating. "Why?" Amy asked matter-of-factly.
"Dad was getting on how I should come home and that being in California by myself was a bad idea and how I never seem to pick good guys. And then Sheldon came to mind. Mom knows I'm living across the hall from him. He's a doctor so they'd be impressed. I mean it's not like mom and dad are going to meet him." Penny blanched. "I suppose I should have run this by you."
"Why? Sheldon and I are friends, nothing more." Amy poured Penny another glass of wine. "But you're right Sheldon would be a grand candidate for a romantic partner."
"Sheldon?" Penny said, amused. "Mister 'get away from me you're germy'?"
"He has a plethora of quality traits. He's hygienic, punctual, gainfully employed." A flit of a smile crossed Amy's lips. "He cracks me up."
"Yeah, me too." Penny took a sip of wine.
"Do you find him attractive?"
Penny choked and took a moment to get herself together.
"So that's a no?" asked Amy.
"I didn't say that," gasped Penny. "I just never thought about him that way." Liar. Liar. She caught Amy's stare. "I mean, sure, he has a cute butt and his eyes are out of this world but I never really thought about it because he's 'Dr. C', y'know?"
Amy set her glass on the coffee table and took a chip from the bowl. "Genetically speaking you would produce comely offspring should you mate."
"What?" Penny said, wide-eyed.
"Your buxom looks and his tall stature, long fingers and 'cute butt'."
"He's not interested in anyone Ames."
"How do you know?"
"He told me."
"When?"
"Before New Years. He took me out to dinner and wanted to know if I was seeing anybody." Penny paused. "For a moment I thought he was interested, y'know? Then he said he wasn't interested in anybody."
"You mean 'just' anybody," amended Amy. "It'd take an extraordinary female to be his companion. She'd have to be strong-willed and engaging and—"
"Have the patience of a saint," Penny chortled.
"In some regard. Sheldon really needs guidance. Someone with a strong but gentle touch." Amy glanced knowingly at Penny. "Leonard tells me you really brought Sheldon out of his shell."
"I guess." Penny smiled at the memory. "You know he used to order his comic books and groceries online?"
"And now he ventures out into the world. All thanks to you." Pause. "You must really like him to put so much effort into him."
"Yeah, I do," Penny said softly. "He's awesome."
"That he is." Amy clapped her hands against her knees before standing. "Come on bestie, let's go into your bedroom so we can have a pillow fight in our frilly nighties before bed."
"'Bestie'?"
"After this heart to heart chat how else could we describe our relationship?"
Penny shook her head. "Are you sure you aren't related to Sheldon?"
xTBBTx
Sheldon sat with his back against his propped up pillow on his bed with his laptop on his knees. His stomach had been giving him trouble all day and the closer it got to seven o'clock when Amy and he were supposed to Skype the more his discomfort increased.
He checked his watch and counted down until at seven on the atomic clock dot he rang Amy.
"Good evening, Sheldon," said the neurobiologist.
"Enough with the social pleasantries," Sheldon said, annoyed. "So how did it go?"
"Interesting. Penny is infinitely more delightful than is humanly possible. You're lucky we aren't in the practice of providing a dowry for your bride because she'd fetch a unicorn." Sheldon rolled his eyes.
"Focus, Dr. Fowler."
"As a positive, she finds your secondary sexual characteristics appealing."
"Not what I was going for but acceptable."
"She also thinks you're 'awesome'."
"Naturally." Here he frowned. "I'm sensing an impending negativity."
"A definite snag. Penny claims that in a dinner conversation you told her that you weren't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone."
"I'm not."
"Then why are we having this discussion?"
"Because Leonard and you insist I 'like' Penny."
"Your denial is fascinating."
Sheldon glanced around the room in thought before returning his gaze to the computer screen.
"Is this salvageable?" he asked.
"I believe so. At the very least it isn't irreparably damaged. You'll have to 'up the ante' to get her attention."
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Wouldn't that make me obvious? Suppose she ends up 'liking' me and I decide we should remain friends?"
"So you'd prefer keeping things as they are?"
"Homeostasis," Sheldon said firmly.
"Schrodinger's Cat," Amy said right back.
"Well, when you put it that way," Sheldon conceded. "Alright. I'll give this some thought."
"Perhaps look into procuring a pair of jeans."
"Why?"
"Penny likes your buttocks."
"Now you're being ridiculous."
"Sheldon, physical attraction is a powerful tool. Use it to your advantage." Amy cracked a smile. "Shake that booty."
"Really Amy?" tsked Sheldon.
"Flaunt what you've got."
"By that token I should sit Penny down and go over my academic awards."
"There's more to you than science. Show your diversity."
"Well, there is the trophy I won for being the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division." He paused. "But then again I don't want to portray myself as a jock."
"I don't believe that will be a problem," said Amy.