AN: I got a tumblr to post art that my official artist has done, maybe a little bit from me, but mostly her. Her stuff is awesome, check it out, link's on my profile, I've posted full versions of the cover pictures, more stuff will no doubt follow. (Also, sorry this one runs a little short.)
Chapter Seven
Tony knew the best way to prepare for an argument with Fury. Prepare, prepare, prepare. First, make sure he knew exactly all the points he needed to make, back it up with evidence, make sure he was on the Avengers floor and not his personal one, to look professional, and then down half a bottle of vodka before even thinking about bringing up the view screen. Cheap vodka too, something named after an obscure Russian author and was closer to paint thinner than actual vodka.
Christmas day had been something of an embarrassment, not only had the two clowns in party store outfits completely given Tony the slip, but he'd seen hide nor hair of either since, with New Years Eve only a few days away, Tony had made it his New Years resolution to find them before SHIELD did and find out what these guys were all about.
Over hearing their conversation and being up close had done nothing to quell his curiosity, in fact it had only intensified it, to the point where every time Jarvis gave him an update on a possible sighting of the two, Bruce would give him a sly look and say 'woof' which amused Bruce to no end, but Tony wasn't as easily amused.
He wasn't about to be shown up by two amateurs, he needed to stay on top of the situation, he needed to be as sharp as a needle. He really needed some bourbon, but vodka was the spirit available to him, and let it not be said that he couldn't improvise when he had to.
As soon as Tony was sure he was getting the 'warm fuzzies' from the cheap vodka he put through the call to Fury and did his level best to ignore the smirk on the director's face.
"You know, Stark," he said, "if two kids in Halloween costumes are giving you so much trouble, we can take over completely. We don't have to go through this dance."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Fury," he said, "but I'm already mid rumba and no one else is signing my dance card just yet."
"Stark, this would be so much easier for all concerned if you allowed SHIELD to take the lead on this," said Fury, "I'll send Barton and Romanoff, they'll bring them in, we'll do a full assessment, everyone will be happy."
"My turf, my rules," said Tony, "any other city in the world, and some wannabes show up, you can do what you like, but this is my town, so I'm gonna be the one banging the drum, it's my beat, and everyone is going to be dancing to it.."
"We can't have another abomination situation, Stark," he said.
Tony groaned, Fury wouldn't let the damn abomination thing go. Tony wasn't even there at the time, sure Bruce was, and Harlem got a little…. broken… but that was hardly his fault.
"Fury, so far the most dangerous thing these guys have taken on, are a bunch of car thieves," he said, "and you can't blame me for that whole abomination thing. I wasn't there, and if I had been things would have gone down a whole lot different."
"Try to not let the fact that you and Banner are now bosom buddies cloud your judgement on this," said Fury, "this was the agreed upon procedure. Now that we have potential alien threats against Earth to contend with, we have to be careful about possible threats from within."
"I'm sick of repeating myself, Nick," said Tony, "I'm doing this softly, softly, catchy monkey, they bolted as soon as they saw me the other night, and yeah, they gave me the slip, but I will find them, and I will bring them to the tower and give them a stern talking to, boy scouts honour."
"I'm giving you a week," said Fury.
"A week?" said Tony, "that's so not enough time, what if they're taking the holidays off? Ok, they worked Christmas, but what if they're Jewish?"
"Not my problem, Stark," said Fury, "Romanoff thinks she could probably track them through the city and bring them to the helicarrier very easily, so you have a week to find them, to bring them in, then we're doing it my way."
"Well you can take your way and you can shove it up your-"
The screen went blank.
Tony was kinda glad, running his mouth would only get him in more trouble.
"Ok, Jarvis, let's do a web crawl," said Tony, "bring me up everything that's not come from an official news source, pictures, videos, written accounts, trawl the social networks, blogs, I want every sighting we don't already have and I want them pinned to the map with a date. These guys move around a lot, but there's got to be some sort of pattern to it, if I can figure out where they're based I might be able to track them a whole bunch easier."
"Searching now, sir," said the computer. "Doctor Banner is on his way up in the elevator, might I suggest you dispose of your alcohol, sir?"
"Good thinking, Jarvis," said Tony, he grabbed the bottle, chugging half of the remaining contents and then stuffed the bottle into the back of a plant pot, hoping the very leafy plant would keep it hidden until Bruce had left.
Come to think of it, he had no idea why there was a plant pot there, or who was watering the plants. The Avengers floor didn't get used much when the Avengers weren't actually about. So he made a mental note, first find out who bought the plant, then find out who was watering it, and if the answer to either of those was Pepper, take it out to the ocean and bury it at sea.
Bruce stepped off the elevator, smiling at Tony, making him feel guilty for drinking in the middle of the day by looking at him with those eyes.
"Hey, buddy," said Tony, smiling at Bruce, "what's up."
"I was thinking," said Bruce, seating himself on a stool in the kitchenette area, "maybe you should think about getting back on the horse."
Tony took the stool next to Bruce, smiling, leaning on his elbow, "Are we talking about an alcohol horse? Because I am all up for that, I will call him, um, dammit, what's the name of that movie about a horse?"
"Black beauty?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Bruce," he said, "the one about the race horse."
"Er, Racing Stripes?"
"No, that's the one with the zebra," he said, "the other one, the one with that whiney kid in it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Tony," he said.
"Hang on, I'll google it," said Tony, pulling his phone from his pocket, and tapping away, "SEABISCUIT! That's the one. Can you set me up with the horse line again? I think I'm off my game today."
"No," said Bruce, " and I wasn't talking about an alcohol horse."
"Were we talking about a gambling horse?" said Tony, "Vegas, baby?"
"No, baby," said Bruce.
There was a silence pause.
"Let's not call each other 'baby' again," said Tony.
"Agreed," said Bruce.
"Moving on," he said, "we were talking about horses."
"When was the last time you went on a date?" asked Bruce.
Tony mulled it over in his mind, "Does having sex in a bathroom stall count? Because if it does, then the last time I went out drinking without you following me around like a bad smell."
Tony had not been lacking in the sex department since Pepper left, it wasn't like he was begging for sex before he became Iron Man, now he was practically fighting them off with a stick. There was not a shortage of women who wanted to sleep with a superhero. Actually there wasn't a shortage of men either, but aside from a few drunken fumblings in college which hadn't resulted in full sex, and a few unreturned phone calls to Johnny Depp, Tony's main interest lied with women. Or laying with women.
Actually, there was a lot of standing up involved, too.
The problem was that the sex just felt a little hollow, he seemed to be doing it because it felt like it was something he should do, rather than something he wanted to do. When he saw a women eyeing him up in a bar, his heart didn't pound in his chest, he wasn't struck with an overwhelming desire to kiss her or drag her into the bathroom for quick, hot sex. He just waited for the signal and if it came, hollow sex followed. Though hollow sex, going through the motions sex, was still pretty enjoyable as far as sex went.
The last time he'd felt his heart pounding was with Pepper. He swore the next time he felt it, he was going to do something about it, and not in a bathroom stall either.
"I mean a real date," said Bruce, "you know, going to see a movie, or going to a restaurant, or going for a drink, talking, laughing, going for ice cream, not having sex in a bathroom."
"In that case," said Tony, "I went on a date with you the other night. And you haven't called, you didn't send flowers, you're tearing me apart, Bruce."
"Well if you recall, you ran off at the end to chase some other boys," said Bruce with a small smirk.
"It'll never happen again, I promise," said Tony. "In all seriousness though, Brucie, I'm good on the sex thing, you on the other hand, when was the last time you went on a date?"
Bruce's cheeks went a little red, "It's been a while."
"I'm guessing it was Betty, am I right, or am I right?" said Tony.
"Can we not talk about Betty?" said Bruce, "Or me? Please?"
"Well I don't want to talk about me either," said Tony, "so can we drop that subject? Oh, hey, did you buy pot plants?"
"No," said Bruce, "why would I buy pot plats?"
"I'm trying to figure out where they came from," said Tony, "I'm sure I didn't buy pot plants. It must have been Pepper."
"I'm having a little trouble following your train of thought here, Tony," said Bruce, "have you been drinking today?"
"Another change of subject…"
"So, that means 'yes'," said Bruce.
"Fury's given me a week to find Burt and Ernie," said Tony, "or he's sending Tasha and Barton to find them."
"Tony, just how drunk are you right now?"
"I'm making it my mission to find them before the week is up," said Tony, "I've got Jarvis looking for the points they're most likely to turn up at across the city…"
"TONY!" said Bruce, "I thought we had discussed this, I thought you were trying to be good."
"Well, I'm not good, Bruce," he said, "I'm not like you, I can't just throw myself into volunteer work, I throw myself into the bottle."
Bruce sighed, "Look, if I promise to help you, for the rest of the day with this new obsession of yours, will you not drink anymore?"
Bruce was giving him the puppy eyes. Damn him.
"Alright," said Tony, conceding, "just stop with the guilt, and the damn puppy dog thing you do with your eyes."
"I don't do a puppy dog thing with my eyes," said Bruce, attempting to look innocent.
"Don't tell lies, Bruce, your nose will grow."