Chapter 5: It's Everything.
They pulled into the driveway at a quarter to twelve. After a quick kiss and goodbye and the promise of breakfast the following morning, Marissa hopped out of the car, her left hand still clutching the orchid that had been gifted to her. When Ryan asked about it, she merely said she had picked it herself, and that was that. She watched as Ryan's jeep pulled out of her circular driveway, honking twice as he hit the street before speeding off.
She entered the house and quickly made her way to her room. Removing the cocktail dress she wore to the party allowing it to pool in a shimmering black mess of the floor. She kicked her heels from her feet, disregarding them as they landed with a thump by her large closet.
She quickly grabbed an empty glass that sat on her dresser and smelt it. It had been one of her vodka glasses from this afternoon, she entered her en suite bathroom and rinsed it out before filling it with water and placing the vanilla orchid in it, and placing it on her windowsill.
I hope you still love vanilla. Even after being apart for so long, Marissa still understood the hidden message veiled in the simple sentence.
I don't think I ever stopped. She had no control of her vocal cords as the treacherous words slipped off her tongue. She hadn't meant to say it, but the reaction she received, made her want to repeat the admission over and over again, until her throat was dry and her voice cracked. Just to see that smile again.
She shook her head and checked the time, midnight. She had to hurry, with a final glance at the orchid she began to ready herself.
Grabbing a pair of jeans that were thrown on her bed, she quickly began to re clothe herself. She pulled the bobby pins from where they were keeping her hair pinned, and began the task of trying to tame it with her lithe fingers. Soon giving up she pulled on a worn out Beatles t- shirt she found sticking out of her dresser, before digging through her purse to find her cell phone.
There was a single text waiting for her from Ryan, telling her to sleep well, that he loved her and that she had looked beautiful tonight.
She read and re read the text. How could she do this to him? He was her rock, the only one who never let her down. (Except for the one time she caught him making out with some secretary in the pool house, and when he broke up with her, and when he almost got his ex Sadie pregnant…well every relationship had its ups and downs right?) But whenever the shit hit the fan, Ryan was always there, to be a shoulder to cry on, warmth when she was cold, and the voice of reason when she was spiraling out of control with Volchok last year.
So why was she going to meet Alex? The girl who had literally left her and then cut all forms of communication, six years of silence, Marissa's life was near perfect, she had an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, her home life was somewhat in shambles, with what happened in the previous years, but other then that life was on the up and up. She ditched that crazy Volchok and cleaned up her act. She stopped doing coke, and practically had cold turkey-ed her vodka addiction.
She had been doing well the past couple of days. There were no flashbacks, no memories flashing in front of her eyes as she spoke to Jaeme, but as soon as she saw those maelstroms tonight, it all came crashing down. All of the walls she built were destroyed with a single look.
This would end tonight, she promised herself. She would go to the tower and tell Alex everything that she felt over the past years, and then she would end whatever it was that kept her holding on the to blond. With this in mind the placed her cell phone down and continued to get ready.
Caleb and her mother arrived home as she was pulling on a harbor-hooded sweater. As she spilled on a pair of worn out converse she could hear them speaking to each other as they passed her door on the way to their bedroom.
"It's going to go better then expected. Alex offered that we go to lunch, and Jaeme said yes to a game of golf. I didn't believe Robb when he told me she played, but as soon as I asked her if she'd like to play a round, she could barely contain her excitement." She had never heard him speak like this. Like a giddy school girl who had just found out his crush liked him back.
"That's wonderful darling, I knew things would work out eventually." Julie responded, "I'll be there in a moment just going to check on Marissa." She barely heard Caleb's response as the handle to her bedroom door turned and swung open to reveal her mother, still in her formal wear.
Her mother's icy eyes quickly caught her, and her eyebrows furrowed as she noticed that Marissa was dressed for outside instead of bed. "And where do you think your going?" Arms folded across her chest as the question rolled off her tongue.
"A walk. I've been tossing for the past half hour, I'm hoping a walk will help me sleep better." The icy eyes considered the question, before stepping further into the room.
"Are you bringing your purse? " Julie asked nonchalantly as she perched atop her daughter's bed, fingering the sheets.
"No, and I'm not bringing my phone, I shouldn't be gone long, I'll reset the alarm when I come back." Marissa pulled the hood up over her head.
"If you need to talk Marissa, you know I'll listen." Julie didn't want to fight, so she knew she had to tread lightly. If this plan of hers were going to work she'd need Marissa to think she was helping, not hindering. "If you want to talk about Ryan, or school. Or Alex…" She trailed off, letting her words linger.
"Look mom, I appreciate this, but I can take care of myself. Just leave it alone."
"I found this in your hamper this morning." Julie revealed the note that she had forged Alex's signature on. " Then I found this, later on in the afternoon when you were at the carnival." Julie stood and walked to the dresser, opening it and pulling out a large empty bottle of vodka.
"Why were you snooping around my room?!" Marissa exploded, grabbing the bottle back. She knew she should have gotten rid of it, she was nervous about the carnival, and had taken a shot for liquid courage, before leaving.
"I'm worried about you sweet heart. I only want to help." Julie reached forward but had her hands slapped away.
"If you want to help stay the fuck outta my life!" Marissa yelled throwing the bottle at the wall. Shattering as it hit the wall, Julie did nothing as Marissa left the room and then the house, the sound of the door slamming echoed throughout the vast house.
Walking out onto her daughter's balcony, Julie watched as Marissa walked down a well-hidden path, into the brush that would lead down to the beach. Her daughter had played right into her trap; she grabbed her daughters cell phone and replied to Ryan.
Can't sleep, heading to the beach for a midnight walk, want to join? She didn't wait for a response before she dialed a number, waiting for someone to pick up.
"Hello, it this tmz? Wonderful…" Grinning wickedly, Julie set her plan into motion.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
It was the only sound she could hear. The sound of her watch clicking away the seconds, as the hour changed to one.
She was a fool to get her hopes up. Jaeme had sent her away from the house with a large grin and a wave. That had been an hour and fifteen minutes ago. She arrived at the tower right at twelve, after waiting for a half hour she grew weary, but still had hope that Marissa would show. She had even said that she had somewhere to be, was it misdirection? She shook the thoughts off and continued to wait watching the gentle waves lapping at the shore.
She wasn't coming. It was clear to the blonde now, as she looked at her surroundings seeing nothing but sand and water. Maelstrom eyes landed on the carving of their names from so long ago. It was worn and barely visible anymore, years of neglect causing it to slowly fade away into the wood.
Maybe this is how she was meant to feel, for the rest of her life. Displaced, lonely, empty. Perhaps this was her curse, to live life alone. Never able to find happiness because she allowed it to slip through her childish fingers so long ago.
She hopped over the guardrail, dropping down into the sand nimbly. She hadn't expected Marissa to not show, and she didn't know what to do now. Her heart ached, and as she breathed, she wanted nothing more then to be able to reject the air in her lungs, to refuse it.
At this moment she wanted nothing more then to walk into the ocean and let if consume her. Let the waves do what the would with her body, allow her to drift away from the reality of her life, and bring her back to that moment she craved, when there was nothing but her and Marissa.
"Beautiful night." Her mind must have been playing tricks on her that was merely a voice in her head speaking in that beautiful tone, not her Marissa. She didn't reply as she continued to glare out at the ocean.
The wind blew against her back, sand kicking up along her jeans, and the sweet scent of vanilla reached her nose. Spinning wildly, her heartbeat picked up and thoughts of the ocean waves carrying her away faded as her eyes landed on the auburn haired girl before her.
"You came." Her voice cracked and the words barely made a sound, but Marissa heard them and nodded, eyes not looking at her but at the sand her foot was toeing. "I didn't think you would come."
"I got held up, sorry I'm late."
"Don't apologize, its fine. Thank you for coming." Her brain was a whirlwind of activity. "There's so much I want to tell you, I don't know where to-"
"Alex whatever this is was it's got to stop." Marissa cut her off, "It's been six years and you think you can come back, hand me a letter and a flower and think all is okay?"
"Wait Marissa you don't understand-"
"No it's my turn to talk. You show up after six years of silence and think we can go back to the way we were?"
"Silence? Marissa what-" Alex stepped closer to the younger girl, only to have Marissa take a step back.
"Yes silence, you didn't write me, you didn't call me. For a month I was empty. Empty because of you. You promised me Alex, you promised me and then, when I finally, get a letter from you and it says ' this is the way it has to be. Forgot about me its better this way.' You basically said that whatever we had was worthless to you!"
"Marissa I've been writing to you for-"
"No! No you didn't, and don't you dare try to stand there and lie to me. It was all a lie, all of it."
"No it wasn't! I promised you I would never lie to you, and I've kept that promise."
"You promised to write, you didn't, you promised to call you didn't, and then when you finally did write it was this." She threw the letter in the blondes face. She waited, watching as Alex read the note, her eyes widening.
"What, I've never seen this, when did you get this- where's the drawing-" Her head was spinning, she would never write this. "I didn't write this." As she studied the letter she could see that it was her exact handwriting, but she knew she didn't write it. There was no doodle of them kissing at the bottom, which had been on all the letters she sent, until the only letter she received from Marissa came through her postbox.
"Stop lying! The proof is written right there! You can't worm your way out of this!"
"I'm not trying to worm my way out of anything! And I'm not lying, if I sent this to you why would I be here?"
"I don't know you're the one who came back! Why don't you tell me?"
"You sent me a letter too, you know. I got it at the end of October 2004." Alex reached in her pocket pulling out the envelope containing the only correspondence Marissa had sent her.
"Yeah because when I read this I thought you were out of your mind and tried to tell you that I did return your feelings and that this was everything-" she gestured wildly with her hands, glaring at the blonde.
"Funny cause it didn't say anything like that. It pretty much said that and I quote." She paused opening the letter. " 'I'm straight Alex, and if your not I can't have you in my life.' So I'm confused as to why you're so angry because you pretty much said it was worthless to."
"What are you talking about?" Marissa snatched the letter from the blonde's hands. Viridian eyes grew wide as they read quickly. "I didn't write this."
"How convenient." Alex responded dryly, folding her arms across her chest.
"No I did write you a letter in October, it was a response to the one you sent me, but, but…" She trailed off, head shaking as her mossy eyes continued to look at the paper before her. "It wasn't this, this wasn't the letter I gave to my mom to send you!"
"This is why I came back, because of this letter." Alex stepped forward and was relieved when Marissa didn't step away. "I've been writing you almost everyday for the past six years, every morning when I would wake up and stare at this. I never believed it; Dad put me in contact with Kirsten when I turned thirteen, since I couldn't get in contact with you. Most of our conversations ending with you being the topic of discussion, she told me about the divorce and she gave me your new address when I asked for it. Marissa, I've never not for a second, stopped thinking about you."
She took the letter from Marissa's hand and ripped it up. Marissa looked like she was about to protest when Alex silenced her.
"Someone didn't want us to stay in contact with each other, we know that now. I don't want to go into detail, because there is still a lot we need to talk about, but all that I care about is right now. What happened in the past, those letters, us not speaking, no longer matters. All that matters is right now."
"How can you say it doesn't matter?" Marissa yelled throwing her hands into the air. "How can you say that it doesn't matter, when it's the only thing that's mattered until now!"
"Because this is all that matters." Alex grabbed Marissa's hands, intertwining their fingers. It was a perfect fit. "You and I, we're what matters. You were the only thing that kept me going. I would stare at that letter for hours, and know it couldn't be true. I knew it wasn't true, because what happened in the airport that night was true. It was the truest thing I've ever felt, and I know you feel it to Marissa; you wouldn't have come here tonight if you didn't. What happened in that night was real, it was so real we don't even know what to call it, or how to explain it, but I know you felt it, I know you heard it, and I know you saw it. You felt it then, and I know you feel it know."
"We were kids! I was ten you were barely twelve! We were inseparable since the day we met, of course we felt something but that doesn't mean after such a long time we can just pick it back up again. Life isn't always fucking happy endings. I was finally letting it go, letting all the self hate that I bottled up inside of myself for all this time go. I couldn't even come to this tower for two years after you left, because I could still hear you in the waves, and feel you in the sand. It took a long time but I was finally able to come back here. But no I would still see you, in my dreams, in the papers, in the tabloids; I couldn't get rid of you. I came here every labor day for the past six years; I would stare at the ocean and blame myself, and then this year guess what happened? I was finally able to let you go! It took six fucking years, but I finally let you go! And now you're here trying to suck me back in to your, whatever it is!" she separated there hands as she spoke stepping back.
"You can't tell me that you don't feel this!" Alex was getting angry now, as she moved closer and grabbed Marissa hand. Immediately the world fell away, music began to play, heart beats synced. "You can't tell me this isn't real. You can't tell me you don't feel it, that as soon as you walked out those doors at the party you knew who was standing in front of you without having to look." Tears were beginning to run like rivers down her cheeks. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
"It doesn't matter." Marissa ripped her hand away. "Everything's changed now-"
"Except for this! This hasn't changed, why can't you see? This feeling hasn't changed; it's the same, the same as it was back then and the same that it will always be! I tried to find it in other places, fuck Marissa I tried so hard but as much as I tried it always brought me back to you. I tried to forget you, with everything inside of me I tried to let you go, but I couldn't, my heart wouldn't let me.
"When I kissed other girls your lips would be what I tasted, when I looked into their eyes, yours stared back at me. I began to use them, to make me feel alive, because with them I felt closer to you. After a while I stopped kissing them, soon I would taste their lips, and it made me sick. Soon I would see their eyes and I would have to hold back tears because I felt like I was betraying you. We might have changed but this." She paused, maelstroms meeting viridian galaxies, a watery smile spreading across her face. "I can still hear that silent music when I see you, I can still feel your heart beat synced with mine. The world around us changed Marissa, but this it will never change this will be with us forever don't you see? This is more than air, more than water, more than anything…its, its, everything." Lithe hands cupped the auburns haired girls cheeks. "I'll do anything to make you see that this is forever."
"Alex, I, this." Soft lips silenced her; she had seen it coming but didn't have the heart to stop it. 'It' happened almost instantly. The world slowly melted away, eyelashes tickled cheekbones, lips melding together in perfect harmony. Marissa could hear her heart beat, and feel Alex's in perfect rhythm, their lips parted only to return seconds later. Tick, tock, the second hand on Alex's watch stopped as their tongues touched for the first time, and the sun exploded from behind their eyelids, before revealing that unknown plane of existence.
She couldn't deny this feeling, they would have a lot to talk about but right now Marissa never wanted this to end. She tangled her hands into Alex's hair, pulling the blonde flush against her body. She noted that they fit together perfectly, Alex's arms encircled her waist, holding her tighter to her, as there kisses began to pick up speed, their breaths coming out in harsh pants as they broke apart to return seconds later. This was it, the feeling Alex had been talking about, she hadn't known what it was when they were younger in the airport, but she sure as hell could place it now.
She had never felt this with Ryan, or Luke, or Volchok. It was this she had been looking for all these years, and it was clear to her now, that she would only find it here, with Alex, with her ocean.
"Marissa is that you?" Time ticked forward and the world faded back into distinction. A rugged voice called from down the beach. Jumping apart like they had been shocked, Marissa turned to see Ryan walking closer to them. She hoped he hadn't heard them.
"Ryan what are you doing here?" Marissa was sure she didn't respond to his good night text.
"You texted me asked me if I wanted to join in on your walk." Ryan had reached them now just as Alex removed the stains of her tears, and retreated to a safe distance. As he reached Marissa he greeted her with a kiss. "Hey Alex right? What are you doing here?" He smiled at her as he laid his arm across Marissa's shoulder. It seemed he hadn't seen them in their embrace.
"I live just over there in the alcove. Couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a walk, then I ran into Marissa and we got to talking." Alex lied smoothly, fixing her jacket around her shoulders.
"You moved back into the beach house?" Marissa tried to keep her voice steady. "I had seen construction workers over there all summer. I thought it was getting torn down." Her body was still humming with the effects of the kiss.
"Papa duke's thought it needed to be modernized for me and Jaeme, so he had it renovated this summer, me and Jaeme where supposed to move in last April, but there were delays so we just got in last week."
"Yeah Kirsten had me working on that project, I hope you like the studio I helped design it." As he said this, a car pulled into the parking lot. "That's weird I usually don't see anyone around this beach at this time of night." As the words left his mouth, an army of cars pulled into the lot. "What the hell?"
"Oh crap how did they find me?" Alex moaned as she watched scores of photographers, writers, and TV personalities running towards the beach. "I suggest you two get outta here, they're here for me."
"Who are those people?" Marissa asked, as they grew closer.
"Paparazzi, the scum of the earth, Satan's spawn. Take your pick." Alex said dryly. "I've been in hiding since I got here, they haven't been able to find me, I guess someone at the party must have tipped them off."
"Why don't you run home?" Ryan suggested.
"Cause then they'd know where I live and I can't have that. They'd be crawling up and down this beach. You guys get outta here before you get trampled." Alex watched as the couple nodded, Ryan said a quick goodbye before walking away. He looked back when he saw Marissa wasn't following.
"Come on Riss, before Satan's spawn try to drag us into tabloid hell." He grabbed Marissa's hand. She moved slowly, her eyes still locked on with Alex's. Her heartbeat was so loud she was surprised Ryan couldn't hear it.
"We should talk some more. I'll give my number to Jaeme if you want." Alex smiled.
"Yeah, we defiantly need to talk about, I'll get it from her Monday." For everything that had just happened, she wanted nothing more then to be back kissing those plush red lips. "See you around?"
"Most defiantly, now get out here before you get stuck in a stampede of wild paparazzi." The smile on the blondes face was infectious as it spread across the auburn haired girls face. She spun and continued to walk with Ryan.
"So what did you guys talk about?" Ryan asked as he intertwined their fingers, as they reached the parking lot, just as the camera flashes swarmed Alex. She looked down at their hands and noticed it wasn't a perfect fit, and that Ryan's larger fingers hurt when they twisted in between hers.
"We talked about…" She trailed off a coy grin spreading across her lips. "Everything."