…
''The seven stages of grief are undeniable. I think Clarke is going through them as well'' Raven said to Finn.
''Bullshit. What are those stages anyway?'' Finn asked a bit annoyed. He didn't buy any of this crap.
''Uhumm'' Lexa interrupted the conversation. ''It's not bullshit, Finn'' Lexa said with an irritated tone in her voice. ''Isn't it obvious to you that Clarke is going through them?'' she asked surprised.
''Well, enlighten me'' Finn said sarcastically.
''Well, as Raven said. Clarke is going through the seven stages. The first stage is shock and denial. She reacted numb with desbelief at the loss her sister. She tried to denied the reality of the loss, to avoid pain. This provided proctection from being overwhelmed all at once. This lasted two weeks'' Lexa said worried.
''Sure'' Finn scoffed at Lexa. Lexa hated Finn and thought he was such an asshole. She had to do her best not to hit him in the face, multiple times.
''You're seriously a jerk'' Raven said angry. ''She is your ex-girlfriend. Show some respect'' Raven scoffed.
''What stage is Clarke in now, Lexa?'' Raven asked worried.
''Pain and guilt'' Lexa said softly.
….
Stage 2: Pain and guilt: As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alchohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels choatic and scary during this phase.
Clarke sat down next to her sisters grave. Clarke had been trying to hold herself together the last few weeks. But she couldn't. She felt guilty for her sisters death. All kind of scenarios had been running through her head. Like she could've saved her sister, if she sat in her seat instead.
''I'm so sorry'' Clarke cried out, her eyes filled with tears.
Lexa arrived a few minutes later to find Clarke, sitting next to Gilly's grave. Lexa saw Clarke suffer a lot the last weeks but she knew she couldn't do anything about it. This was Clarke her pain and she needed the time to get through it all.
''Clarke'' Lexa said with a worried tone in her voice.
Lexa sat down next to Clarke, who looked like she had seen a ghost. ''Clarke?'' Lexa asked again.
Clarke turned around to face Lexa for a second. She didn't say anything but she didn't have to. Lexa saw the tears streaming down her face.
Lexa wipped away a teardrop from Clarkes cheek before pulling her in for a hug.
Clarke accepted the hug and put her head on Lexas shoulder. She didn't hold herself together any longer and cried outloud. Lexa just held Clarke as long as she needed some comfort.
''It's all my fault'' Clarke mumbled between her tears.
''If I didn't push to go to Sydney. Everyone would've been alive..''
Lexa hate seeing Clarke like this. Clarke didn't deserve any of this and Lexa knew that this was just the beginning. She had been through this herself too, when Costia died.
''Clarke..'' Lexa said softly, trying to reach Clarke.
Clarke pulled away from the hug and looked a second in the eyes ''Yea?'' she mumbled between her tears.
''I know you think this is your fault. But it's not'' Lexa tried to convince her.
Clarke shook her head ''It is my fault'' she cried out.
''I should've spent more time with her. I was never there for her. Always to busy with my own stuff, not realising this would be the end..''
…
Stage 3: Anger and bargaining: Frustation gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning ''why me?'' You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that bef or a way out of your despair.
It had been one month since the death of her sister. Clarke was just so frustrated. She felt like screaming again and again until her throat got bloody. She wanted to throw a fit. Or hit someone in the face. This was nothing like her, and she didn't know what was going on. She wanted to lash out, but had no idea why.
''Don't tell me what to do'' Clarke said in anger to Finn. He tried to calm her down, but she didn't want anything to do with him.
''It was your choice to go to Sydney'' she spat out in anger. Clarke bawled her fist at Finn and tried to take a swing at him. But Lexa jumped in between them.
''Take it easy, Clarke'' Lexa said with a calm tone in her voice, whilst taking a few steps towards Clarke.
''CALM?! You've got to be kidding me. Leave me the f*ck alone''
''You didn't even help her when I asked you to'' Clarke scoffed at Lexa.
Lexa was clearly taken by surprise by Clarkes anger and took a few steps back. She looked down, trying to avoid the death stare that Clarke gave her. ''I'm sorry'' Lexa said in an apologetic tone in her voice.
''You're sorry?! Well, tell that to my sister!'' Clarke scoffed before turning around.
''Clarke. We know you're in pain but we're just trying to figure out a way to help you'' Raven added.
''Help me?'' Clarke scoffed. Nothing can bring her back. This is not fair''.
''None of this is fair'' Bellamy Blake said.
''You guys didn't lose anything! I did! I lost my mother..my sister..'' Clarke said with an angry face before leaving the others behind.
She dissapeared into the treeline and headed for the riverside. Her leg was still messed up but she didn't care. Lexa replaced her bandage everyday and her wound had mostly healed, it was infected but Lexa managed to take care of that.
About 30 minutes later Clarke arrived at her sisters grave and sat down nearby. Clarke felt so angry about everything. She had this rage bottled up inside of her that she didn't know how to deal with.
Of course she knew that blaming Finn or Lexa wasn't the right thing to do.
''It's just not fair'' Clarke said angry.
Lexa paced as she tried to walk off her guilt. She had never seen Clarke so angry in the past few weeks they had known each other. Lexa knew this was part of the grief but she had no idea that Clarke blamed her so much. Lexa cared about Clarke a lot and never wanted her to go through this in the first place.
Lexas thought got interrupted by Raven who started to talk to her ''You know that Clarke wasn't fair to you, right?'' Raven asked worried.
The group had gotten closer in the last month they had spent on the island trying to survive together. Raven was a 25 year old mechanic who had been searching for the black box ever since the crash.
Lexa nodded, but still felt unsure ''I know'' she said with a slight hesitation.
''Don't doubt yourself'' Raven said with a smile, stopping in Lexas track so she stopped pacing.
''She's just in so much pain. It's horrible to see. I wish I could take it away from her. After I lost Costia I told myself that love was weakness and that it made me look weak. I went through the same stages and I recognize myself in her'' Lexa explained.
''I'm so sorry'' Raven said sincerely.
''Don't be'' Lexa said with a smile. ''It made me the person I am today''.
''Let's just hope it turns out okay for Clarke as well'' Lexa added.
''I'm sure it will. She has you'' Raven winked at Lexa.
…
One year ago..
''Sir I'm ready to get back to work'' Lexa said to her boss. It had been one month since the funeral of her girlfriend but she didn't want to think about it for a second. She was focused on recovering, and when she did she wanted to go back to Afghanistan, to go back to her remaining division. Lexa felt responsible for what happened with them.
''You're not ready, miss. Woods'' The Luitenant said worried.
''I am ready sir. I want to serve my country. My men are still out there. And everyday that I am here, they are there without me. So please send me back'' Lexa said serious.
The Luitenant hesitated for a second, but looked at the stoic woman in front of him. He knew that Lexa had always been a good soldier for the division.
''Alright, we're leaving tomorrow'' he said. ''You may leave now''.
Lexa nodded and walked out of the office as fast as she could. She still strumbled a bit because of her bad leg. But she was in shape and she wasn't about to give up her mission.
It was two months later when her division was sent out to help other troops with an attack in the east. Lexa and Lincoln had been reunited and it went well. Lexa was doing even better than before. Her leg was in a medical, adjusted splint just for her so she could move fast enough.
The danger of the mission was there everyday, she faced death everyday but she never feared it.
Survival, that was everything was about. She had no time to grief about Costia. She was to focused on the now. Everyday she fought for what she believed was right.
Lincoln and Lexa arrived at the edge of a campside from the enemies. When they were taken by a surprise attack. ''BAM'' one gunshot was heard when one of her man dropped on the ground. There was no one around, so Lexa turned around to see Lincoln, bleeding to death. She kneeled down next to him on the ground ''NO!'' She creamed out.
''Don't leave me'' Lexa said, crying out for her best friend. ''Lincoln. Don't you dare give up'' she tried to get some reaction from her. But it was to late, he passed away right away.
Lexa was found by some of her men a few minutes later and was taken back to camp by her men.
This was her turning point and everything went to shit after that. Lexa didn't follow orders and was fired a month later.
…
Stage 4: Depression, reflection and loneliness: just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be ''talked out of it'' by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depressed you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness of despair.
''Gilly. Come her, you little one'' Clarke said with a smile, before lifting her sister up.
Gilly giggled at her sister. She always loved it when Clarke spent time with her. Today was her birthday and Clarke was going to take her to the zoo to see the animals.
''Happy birthday, sweety'' Clarke said, while placing a kiss on her sisters cheek. The girl smiled at her sister before hugging her.
Clarke put her sister down. ''I have a present for you'' she said, before giving a gift to her sister.
Gilly took the present with a big smile on her face ''IT'S SO BIG!'' She said surprised while laughing.
''I know'' Clarke said confident. She loved her little sister a lot and seeing her happy made Clarke happy as well.
Gilly unrapped the gift. She looked with big eyes at a fluffy teddy bear ''It's pink! And so soft. I love it'' she said with a smile.
''Thank you!'' she said before hugging Clarke.
Clarke smiled at her sister ''Well, we should get going''.
Gilly nodded before putting down her teddy bear next to the rest of her presents. ''ZOO TIME!'' She said with enthousiasm.
Two months had past since the crash and they still weren't rescued. The group had moved their campside into the woods. Lexa thought it was safer for all of them. They had built some kind of shelter for whenever it was raining. Lexa had been spending a lot of time with Raven and this other girl Octavia, who was the sister of the other guy Bellamy.
Clarke had been distant from everyone and she knew it was not the best solution but she needed time for herself. She just didn't feel like spending time around the others. The others were so focused on getting of the island, but she didn't care.
Clarke realized that she would never see her sister again and that hit her everytime. She felt so empty lately. All of the memories came flooding back to her lately. She spent most of her days, away from the others. Clarke had found a waterfall, about an hour from camp. It was here place, where she could be alone.
Finn had said to her that they would get of the island but that they needed her help. Clarke didn't buy any of it and she didn't want any kind of encouragement. Because even if they got of the island, her life would always bound to this place because of those who she had lost.
Clarkes thoughts were interrupted by Lexa, who sat down next to her. ''It's time to replace the bandages on your leg'' she said with a smile.
Clarke nodded at Lexa but didn't say a word.
Lexa cut the dirty bandages lose from the splint and tossed them aside. She examined Clarkes leg, before cleaning it with some water she had taken with her. ''The wound looks good'' she said, while being focused on Clarkes leg.
Clarke nodded ''Great'' she said a bit distracted by her thoughts. She hadn't even felt the pain in her leg is she was being honest. It was nothing compared to the pain of losing her loved ones.
Lexa replaced the bandages around the practically healed wound before putting the splint back around Clarkes leg.
''All done for now'' she said with a smile.
Clarke nodded, before looking up to see Lexas sincere worried look. ''Thank you'' Clarke said.
''No problem. I haven't seen you around much lately. I figured you'd be here. I'm really worried about you'' Lexa said with a honest tone in her voice.
Lexa looked into the eyes of the blonde, once they were filled with that spark Lexa noticed the first time she saw Clarke, but now it was replaced with an emptiness mixed with sadness.
''I just miss her'' Clarke said, with a teardrop appearing on her cheek.
''That's normal, Clarke. I've given you the time to deal with this your way. You have the right to deal this on your own terms'' Lexa said before reaching for Clarkes hand.
But Clarke pulled her hand away and backed away from Lexa ''I just want to be alone'' she said softly.
Lexa nodded ''I understand'' before standing up. ''I'll see you later at camp'' she said, turning around one more time before between the trees, leaving Clarke alone.
Clarke grabbed a pen and some paper she had found in the remainings from the plane from her bag.
She started to write:
''My dearest sister,
Although you are now gone from arms reach, from my physical abilities to touch your sweetness, your warmth, your tender and loving face. I still can picture your beaty in my mind. Nothing can ever touch or remove my everlastings memories of you.
When we were little, growing up as we did, all we really had was each other. I never thanked you for taking my punishment when I threw my hairbrush into the toilet because I was angry at you.
My fear is you died never knowing how much you were loved. I tried so hard to share my heart with you. In every letter I wrote, every message sent, and every phone call, I said, ''I love you''. If only you could've felt my love, maybe then you wouldn't have felt so alone. You have always been my little one, the person I loved so much. I just wish I could've protected you and mum, from all of this.
I miss you Gilly. I miss your laughter the most. I could pick your unique laugh out as soon as I walked through any door. You were always the first one to gilly, whenever something happened. You made everyone laugh around you. Your smile was so pure and innocent. That alone keeps me in stitches all day.
I miss your sweet voice, Gilly. I remember you always brabbling on and on about something I didn't even know existed. You know for a ten year old, you were very clever. Whenever I was impatient about something, you told me to chill down. You never criticized me about what kind of sister I was to you. I'm so sorry for not being the sister you deserved. I just didn't think I would lose you. I thought we would have more time to say all that needed to be said. To do the things, we should've done. Like going to that zoo again, you loved so much. I am sorry for not saying what I should've said sooner. So I will say it now.
Gilly, I love you with every part of my being. You are my little sister, always have been and always will be. Nothing you could do could tear us apart. Not even this island. Not even death. Maybe I didn't always understand you. But my love didn't need to understand. It only needed you. That's all I ever needed, Gilly. Just you..
It has been my honor to call you my little sister. I have been blessed to have you in my life, even if only for a blink of an eye.
Your big sister,
Clarke''