Chapter 44

Monday, July 6, 1987 - Morning

Julie watched Steve spread file folders across Donovan's wrought-iron patio table.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I have some bad news regarding one of the Miller twins."

"I know, Ross told me Andrew died."

"He died the week before last. Alex has developed the same ailment."

"Damn," Julie said quietly, feeling her eyes glaze over. She regretted not letting Steve contact her sooner. "How bad is he?"

With a shake of the head, Steve said, "He's not going to make it."

Julie felt a lump in her throat. Steve tried to caress her hand, but she moved it away.

"When are you going to stop seeing me as a threat?" Steve asked.

A mixture of rage and grief flooded Julie's senses. "One of our subjects is dying and you're worried about my feelings toward you? Really, Steve? Shouldn't you be trying to save him?"

"With what? The information you won't give up?"

She refused to explain how she'd spent part of yesterday searching the files. It wasn't as if the missing enzyme could miraculously save Alexander, if he was on the brink of death.

"I would like to call the boys' parents, and offer my condolences."

"They don't expect you to."

"Did you tell them you're sorry?"

"Sorry? We can't take responsibility for another person's life, Julie. We look for answers, but it's Science. There are no guarantees. We try the best we can!"

The familiar feeling of tension quickly returned to Julie's stomach. She realized a month had passed since she'd last downed a handful of antacids due to Steve-related stress. I wonder if Mike has any Tums.

Ignoring the discomfort, she asked, "How long do they expect Alex to live?"

Steve shook his head again.

Julie's eyes flooded with tears and she wiped them. She felt nauseated. She hoped she'd be able to return to Seattle in a few weeks, but knew it'd be too late for Alexander.

Steve massaged her shoulders. "You're taking this way too personally. The only person you should be worried about right now is you."

Her shoulders grew stiff and she jerked away then wiped more tears away.

"What the hell's going on?" Donovan stood on the other side of the sliding screen door.

Julie flinched at the sound of his voice. She turned to him as he stepped out onto the patio. "I'm okay, Mike." She said in a hoarse whisper.

"Like hell." He glared at Steve. "What did you say to her?"

He's jealous. Julie realized. He thinks Steve came onto me.

"I was telling her about our project," Steve explained.

"Is that why she's crying and upset?" Donovan demanded. "I want you to leave now."

Steve looked at Julie, as if waiting for her consent.

She nodded.

Steve gathered manila folders from the table.

Donovan went inside. Steve didn't pass through the house to his car. He used the side gate instead. Julie knew he was afraid of Donovan, and she pitied him for it.

After Steve's departure, Julie returned to the house, heading for the bathroom. She found a bottle of generic antacids in the medicine cabinet next to Donovan's electric razor, and chewed a handful.

Donovan stood in the doorway just as she tucked the bottle of tablets back in the cabinet.

"What happened out there?" he asked.

"Let me wash my face. I'll talk to you in a minute."

"I'll wait in the kitchen."

#

Donovan angrily shoved cans into the kitchen cabinets, and slammed doors shut. He remembered the last time he'd felt this enraged. It was the last time Steve visited.

Stupid ass must get off on upsetting her.

He yanked a beer can from the fridge, snapped it open and stood looking at the fridge for a few seconds; his thoughts a mess of anger and annoyance.

Julie cleared her throat.

He turned to face her. "What was that about?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

He flashed a puzzled look. "Hey I just walked in on Mr. Smooth putting his hands on you, and you obviously don't like the guy. And you seemed pretty upset."

She leered at him, with a knowing grin. "Let's get back to the part of some other man putting his arm around me."

She's mocking me…

"I'm not jealous. You chose to stay here. It's my duty to protect you."

"Sure." With a soft chuckle, she sauntered into the living room.

He found her sitting on the couch. She looked up at him, smirking.

He sat next to her.

"Regardless of how that came across," he started to say, ignoring Julie's giggle. "Will you tell me what upset you, if it wasn't Maitland?"

"I want to talk about how that came across."

"And I want to know why you were upset." He eyed her.

"I've told you that Steve and I work with babies in Seattle. We're trying to find an antidote for the Red Dust that we can put in a vaccine. These babies have weakened immune systems due to the toxin. One of our patients died, and his brother is dying too," she said. She glanced down as tears formed in her eyes, then looked at him again. Her voice broke. "Mike… I'm hurting for that family. I've worked with Andrew and his twin, Alexander since the day they were born. I feel responsible because..." she broke off.

Maitland wasn't hitting on her, he was trying to comfort her, Donovan realized. And I just made an ass of myself…

As quickly as Julie brushed her tears away, more came and took their place. She sniffled. "I've missed so much work. The project's not going right. I'm supposed to be in charge, but I can't be there."

Listening to her vent her frustration triggered Donovan's own sense of compassion. Instinctively, he drew her close. Her face smelled like soap. Her body was warm against his and she didn't seem to mind him holding her.

"Don't beat yourself up about it," he said. "Under the circumstances, you're doing the best you can."

A few minutes later, Julie stirred against him. "Mike, can I ask you something?" She laced her soft fingers into his.

He felt guilty for keeping his hand there and wanting to feel her kisses on his neck again.

"What?" he asked.

"How come it's okay for you to hold me, but it isn't for Steve?" she asked.

"My intentions are…" he fumbled for the words, "more honorable."

"Are they? I think you still love me."

I set myself up for this, he scolded himself.

"Sure, Julie, everyone loves you. You're a very lovable… girl."

"I don't mean the way everyone else loves me. I mean the way you…" She jabbed his chest with her fingernail, "and Steve do." She grabbed a hold of his face and kissed him on the cheek then looked him in the eye. "It's okay."

No, it isn't, he thought. He wanted to kiss her on the mouth. He wanted to finish what she'd started the other night, only this time, she'd be sober… She'd feel him and she wouldn't forget… She'd also feel her pain. He couldn't do that to her, even if she wanted him to. Not now.

"Say something," Julie prodded. "Please… Mike, I feel like I'm making a fool of myself here."

Funny, I thought I just did.

He took his hand away from hers saying, "I think we've spent a lot of time togeth-"

She cut him off, asking, "Why is it so hard for you to admit you love me?"

"It's not difficult," he said. "I see the woman I loved and wanted to marry a few years ago. I also remember we never had time for each other, and we have opposite work schedules. Now you're telling me you go away to Seattle to work on this project that you don't know when or if you'll finish. If we start a relationship, it's going to be like it was before. We won't have time for each other. We shouldn't put each other through that again."

Moving away from him, she sat back against the couch. "I'm sorry."