Chapter 48

Saturday, July 11, 1987 – Early A.M.

Donovan returned home from work after midnight. He opened the front door, surprised to find Julie not at her computer, but on the couch with one foot on her lap and a nail polish brush in her hand. Chuckling at the sight, he placed his briefcase behind the hall tree.

Julie smiled up at him, stroking a big toenail with the brush. She screwed the cap back on the bottle then propped her feet on the coffee table.

"How was work?" she asked.

Donovan walked over to the coffee table and peered down at one set of Julie's toenails, then the other. With a mischievous grin he said, "You missed a spot."

Julie picked up one foot, brought it near her face then the other, obviously not seeing it. "Where?"

"Well here, I'll show you." He plopped down on the couch next to her, his thigh touching hers. Caressing her right foot with his hands, he studied the nails up close. "Hmm. I guess I was wrong."

That got another smile from her.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"I slept the whole afternoon. I made you dinner." She pursed her lips together. "Sorry, I can't serve you. My toenails are wet."

"It's okay. Pierce bought us pizza. What'd you make?"

"I guess you'll find out tomorrow for lunch, huh?"

"Guess so." He admired her, cheeks full of color, hair cascading around her neck like the night he'd met her at Kelly's. Damn, she's beautiful.

"What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Nothing I just," he broke off, grinning. "You're not tired, are you?"

"I'm wide awake."

"So am I. Are you sure you'll be ready to leave by Tuesday? How's your strength?"

"Are you worried about me?" she asked. "You have Sean to think about."

"I know. I wish I could help you after you move." He hoped Chris could assist her instead.

"I'll be fine."

After a moment of awkward silence, Julie spoke again. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just need to know you're going to be okay."

Julie leaned against his arm. "I love you too."

Slipping his arm around her shoulder, he drew her near then touched his lips to her forehead. "You know you shouldn't say that."

Her lips were soft on his cheek as she returned the gesture. He inhaled the perfume she'd worn the day they went to Science Frontiers.

"You're making me crazy," he whispered in her ear.

Reaching down, she touched a toenail. The pastel pink paint came off on her fingertip. "What do you want me to do about that?" she asked. She turned to him again, and kissed his lips.

Snickering, he thought of her drunken advances toward him on the Fourth of July.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"I was thinking about what happened here last Saturday."

"Here?" She arched her eyebrows, looking surprised. "Or about what didn't happen here?" Cupping his chin in the palm of her hand, she kissed him on the mouth, harder this time.

He returned the kiss then drew away slightly.

"That's how it started," he noted.

"And then what happened?"

He studied her eyes. Damn her wet toenails. Nail polish remover is too harsh for the sofa. It would be easier to replace the bed sheet. He considered kissing her neck, the way she'd done him… what that would lead to. Then he remembered the trouble she'd had with the humidity earlier. She's well enough to go home, but not to work… and not for sex. Doesn't she realize…

"I'm waiting." She nuzzled her head into his neck. "What does it mean I'm making you crazy? Does that mean you still love me or just that you haven't been with a woman in a while?"

There'd been a couple, but he wasn't about to divulge that information. "Not just any woman," he said, enjoying the softness of her curls against his chin.

"You miss this woman?" she asked. "This woman misses you, very much."

He let her kiss him again, and as he kissed her, he tried not to hold her too close though every part of him wanted to.

After a couple minutes, Julie moved away, asking, "What's wrong?"

"There's no future for us, is there?" he asked.

Briefly, Julie closed her eyes. "How can you say that? You don't know."

"Sean."

Resting her head against his chest, she said, "I don't know Sean anymore, but I'd like to meet him."

I don't want you to get hurt, Sweetheart, he admitted to himself for what seemed like the hundredth time. Julie laced her hands in his. He kissed the back of her hand then ran it across his lips. "I'm sorry. I don't think either one of us are ready for this yet."

"You sure felt ready to me." She moved away quickly and stood, her eyes glistening with tears. "I think I need to go home tomorrow."

He sprang up from the couch. "Julie, c'mon. I didn't mean to make it difficult for you. We just got a little carried away there. Listen –"

"No, you listen, Mike! I didn't take it lightly that there might still be something left between us. I've thought about it a lot, and I think we've both tried not to say anything, but now that we've acknowledged it—" She sniffled. "How can we still love each other and not try?"

"We loved each other before, and we tried," he answered. "It didn't work."

"That was different. We had a stupid war to fight!"

"Sweetheart, you've had a rough couple months. You're going to get back to normal, live your life. You don't need the stress of me and my son who will make your life as much hell as he's made mine."

Maybe the judge will say no, he realized. Maybe they'll decide to keep Sean until he's eighteen, because they don't think I can handle…

You idiot. It's not right to wish your own child can stay in a mental institution, so you can be with Julie.

"You understand?" he asked her.

With a quick shake of the head, she walked into Sean's room and closed the door.

Donovan knew he had two choices, the first being he could console her and make a bigger mess out of the issue, or let her be. Although it hurt him too, he chose to let her be.

#

Feeling like she'd made a fool of herself, Julie hoped Donovan wouldn't follow her to Sean's room. She sat on the bed, her face in her palms, crying. She was used to being in control of her feelings, but now they'd overcome her. She despised how she'd acted toward Donovan.

How silly I was to think I could stay with him, and not let him get to me. She remembered the warning Maggie gave her a few weeks ago. She drew a breath, remembering those last month's she and Donovan were a couple… the harsh words they'd spoken to one another, out of frustration. I gave up on us, when he was still willing to try. He doesn't trust me anymore.

She sat up straight and crossed her legs. Her back hurt now. She knew it was a sign of fatigue because she got this way whenever she stayed up too late at work. She lay back against the sheet. She'd left her pillows on the couch, and felt too embarrassed to retrieve them. Is he still out there? She wondered, knowing if she went back, she'd need to apologize for something that he seemed to think was beyond his control. Is Sean really that bad? Does Mike really believe he can never have another relationship over something that happened last Christmas? What if Sean's improved, and Mike just doesn't know it yet?

Closing her eyes, Julie considered what it meant to be in love with someone, and how intense those feelings were now, compared to when she and Donovan had dated in the past. Maybe it feels this way because I can't have him, she reasoned. It felt like this when I dated Steve the first time, but not the second time. Warm, fuzzy, tingly… absurd.

Steve was my first love. That's why it felt so intense.Julie hadn't seriously dated before she enrolled in college. Prior to that, her time was occupied by studying and maintaining the highest GPA worthy of a college scholarship to Southern Cal University. She remembered the day she'd reluctantly transferred to UCLA, after her first breakup with Steve. She'd wanted to make a clean start. It'd been Steve's constant pressuring, to make her his wife, regardless of whether she completed her education, which drove her away. Her goal had been to finish school and pursue a career in the medical field.

Almost a year after she'd left Steve, she'd met Dennis Lowell, the wealthy stock broker who took her to his client's parties, showing her how the upper class lived. It was with Denny that Julie developed her admiration of exquisite wines and cuisine. She'd gained an interest in cooking, and Denny never minded trying anything new she'd wanted to make. He'd been fun to pal around with, but didn't seem interested in committing to marriage or having children. Back then, Julie had been content with studies and social gatherings. The question came to mind, had she loved Denny the way she'd loved Steve or Donovan? She knew the answer was no. What she felt for Denny wasn't as strong. She'd never envisioned herself growing old with him like she had Steve or Donovan.

You know what your problem is, she thought. You just need to find a new man. Forget about Mike. He's got too many problems, like he said. He was great in bed though. She smiled at the thought of being under his skin… I could go in there right now… crawl into bed with him and make him change his mind about us.

But she didn't.