Hi all,
sorry about the previous updates! Not sure how that happened but thanks to
andrsopho91 for drawing my attention to it!
Happy reading!
-Teddy
Disclaimer: all characters except for Mikka belong to Shondaland. The song is life is a song by Patrick Park.
"Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending"
- Life is a Song, Patrick Park
Mikka
This is all fucked. I'm dying. I don't understand. I'm crying, sobbing now. I can barely control myself but everything hurts so I'm barely moving. I guess the dying thing is why. I love that she's holding my hand but I hate that this is why. I have nothing and pretty soon I'll just be nothing. I'll disappear and no one will ever remember me. I don't really have friends, I spent so much time in the hospital, the peds ward no less. Many of my friends were children and I'm sure no one wants a twenty year old girl coming to their door asking if their kid can come hang out.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. My life really is over.
Why didn't I come sooner? I should have come sooner. After all I went through, to do something this stupid. I knew something was up, I was hoping, praying it was nothing. I was hoping I was just tired, just sore, just anything but sick. The pain got so bad, I couldn't deny it anymore and here I am. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't know what happens, what will happen. I'm so mad at myself. There aren't any words to fully explain how this feels, being told that it's only a matter of time. They can make me comfortable. It seems like it's all happening so fast. I don't understand.
"What about chemo, anything?" I hear my voice and I can barely process that I'm talking. I can't stop crying. I don't even know what she said. I can't help thinking about what I"m supposed to do next. I have no one to call and nothing to do… but wait, I guess. I want to ask how long but I don't want to know the answer. I don't want to count it down. Imagine the horror of counting it down only to be alive on the day you thought you were going to die… or to die sooner than the date predicted. I almost want to laugh at how ridiculous this all is. I'm dying. I'm fucking dying and I've barely lived.
I have no one and soon I'll just cease to exist. No one will remember me. Who handles my funeral? Do I want a funeral? What happens to my family's stuff? Maybe it's best that I have no one. No one to watch how pathetic this ending is. No one to watch and no one to care that it's pathetic. It would have been nice to have someone. I can't stop crying and soon I can't breathe.