Hello again!
I know some of you are wondering when we're going to get to the Calzona stuff... it's coming I promise! Please stay along for the ride :)
-Teddy
"Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been"
- Life is a Song, Patrick Park
Mikka
I'm thinking maybe they sedated me but I don't know. Last I remember I couldn't breathe. Maybe I passed out. I'm not intubated so I must be ok. Well, relatively. I don't remember when they left or how I fell asleep but if they did sedate me I'm glad. How do you come to terms with something like this? I just accept that at 20, I'm just done? Am I going to somehow just be ok with all of this? Accept my fate? I'm not sure, honestly. I lie back and stare at the ceiling.
Callie
I'm sitting in the attending's lounge with her and I don't know what to say. I never expected her to take it this hard. She's talking a lot, moreso than usual, about options. She's looking at Mikka's scans, flipping them over and over. She knows what I know. I know it's not that she doesn't trust me or my judgement. She's trying to find an out. I realize how similar this all is to Nick and I mentally slap myself. Of course. Of course, she's having a hard time with this, it's almost the same.
I decide I'm going to let her talk herself into circles a little more until she comes to it on her own. All I want to do though is hold her. We've been apart for what feels like forever and I know it instigated it. We spent so much time making each other miserable by trying so hard to fix it. We should have tried to grow together instead of trying to go back to how we were before everything. Now here we are, healed from our old wounds and I can't help but wonder about us.
I never stopped loving her, caring about her, worrying. I miss everything about her. I miss her smell, her touch, her laugh, her warmth, that twinkle in her eye when she'd look at me and I knew that I was the only one she was looking at. Sometimes, I think I still see it there but I know it can't be. Then again, if I'm thinking these things, I suppose it's entirely possible she's thinking the same. I hope she is but after how it all ended, I doubt it. ...and I have Penny.
I'm almost stareing now, her golden blonde hair bouncing effortlessly as she flips the chart. My eyes follow the long expanse of her neck before stopping at the navy blue scrubs she wore so well. I watch carefully as those perfect pink lips I always loved move slowly. Together or not, I've always been and always will be very, very attracted to Arizona Robbins… but I have Penny.
"Callie? Callie!"
She snaps me out of my reverie. "Uh, yes, Arizona?"
"We can't save her, can we?" Her voice sounds so small and I feel my heart break a little.
She sighs and sits next to me. I can feel her tense but I'm not sure if it's because this is the closest we've been in what seems like an eternity or if it's because, well I don't know why. My heart begins to thrash wildly about in my chest, she's the only one who's ever had this hold on me. She's not even trying. I find I have to tell myself again.. I have Penny.
Arizona
I want to lean on her, I want to be enveloped in her. She doesn't seem to be moving. I leaned on her when my mentor was undergoing surgery and I want to lean on her now. My friend is dying and there's nothing we can do to stop it and all I want is to lean on the person I used to call my wife. I know I'll have to explain this all to April later and she'll likely be upset I didn't tell her immediately. She is my best friend after all. I wish Teddy were here too. Things haven't been the same since she left. I love April, I really do but I miss Teddy's wisdom and her no bull-shit advice. I make a mental note to Skype her sometime this week. She feels a world away.
A warm hand on my thigh brings me out of my head. I can feel goosebumps cover my skin. She's the only woman to ever have this effect on me. She rubs my leg gently with gentle strokes of the pad of her thumb and I feel my eyes begin to flutter to a close. She really has magic hands. I miss them on me. It feels odd to have these feelings stir within me when so many other things are going on but Jesus, does she ever feel good…. but she has Penny. Perfect Penny. Most days I don't have to remind myself she has someone different. It's always in my face. It's here at the hospital. It's when I'm sleeping alone at night, when I'm sleeping with someone else but in this moment, there's only her… and she's not mine.
Callie
Somedays are harder than others to resist her. So much has happened but I can't stop feeling how I feel about her. She is always going to be someone for me. For the most part I kept my distance and it was for this exact reason. I've been drawn to her since she kissed me in that dirty bar bathroom. That hasn't changed… even with Penny.
Arizona
Don't get comfortable, Arizona. She's just being nice. Despite my own warnings, my body leans into hers, slipping just under her arm, her hand still tracing lazy circles on my scrub covered thigh. Her arm is pressed firmly against my breast and I'm praying to God that she can't feel my heart racing. Everything about her is arousing and comforting. I wish I hadn't fucked things up so badly. I wish she was still mine.
Callie
Don't put your head on my shoulder. Don't do it, Arizona. The silence is both comfortable and tense. She feels like coming home. She can't. I can't. We can't. We can't. I repeat this to myself again. Too much has happened. She sighs audibly and nuzzles further into me. Shit.