Chapter 4

"Evennn," Isak groaned, laying on their bed scrolling through his phone. Even was across the room, writing something. He hummed in response, distracted by whatever he was working on.

"Come lay with me."

Even smirked at the neediness in Isak's voice before closing his notebook and walking to the bed. "Halla," he said, wiggling beside Isak until the smaller boy laid his head on Even's chest. Isak clicked off his phone and put on over Even's belly button, shutting his eyes with a soft sigh. Running his hands through the younger boy's hair, Even listened to Isak's breathing even out as he fell asleep.

Although Even was perfectly happy to lay with his beautiful boy, Isak was worrying him. He'd woken up late last night to the smaller boy climbing back into bed beside him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, Just had to pee," Isak had mumbled, kissing Even's cheek and sliding under the covers. Another time, Even had been startled out of a dream to find Isak staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes. As soon as he realized Even was awake, though, he pulled them shut and pretended he was asleep. Even could see the darkness under his eyes every morning that remained through the afternoon; he heard from Sana and Jonas and Mahdi how Isak fell asleep in class, stumbled through conversations, always ready with "I'm fine, just tired," when asked the matter. And Even hated it. All of it.

Isak would never admit it, but when he was asleep at 3 pm and awake at 3 am, there was obviously something wrong.

It came to a breaking point the next day. Even was sitting with Magnus, Jonas and Isak at lunch. Mahdi had ditched them for waffles. Shockingly. But, anyway, Magnus was in the middle of some long, hideously boring story about Vilde. Jonas and Even were laughing, but Isak was resting his head on his hand, cheek to palm, eyes flitting. Just as Even was getting caught up in the story, however, Isak's chin came crashing down. He hit the table hard, eyes snapping open with a surprised, pained shout. As soon as they were all recovered from the shock, Even was immediately wrapping both arms around Isak. "Shit, babe, holey fuck! Are you okay?"

Isak was rubbing his chin, which was red and cut open in one place, blinking rapidly. Even would guess he was trying not to cry, so he pulled him up by one hand and said, "Come on, let's go get you cleaned up," before Isak could say anything.

Once they were in the bathroom, Even began to dab at Isak's chin with toilet paper. Isak was still blinking, pushing Even's hand away, "Stop, I'm okay, it's fine."

"Isak, baby, it's not fine," Even argued, wiping away the tear that stained Isak's cheek.

Isak blushed. "I'm not cry- it just startled me. It's involuntary."

Smiling just the tiniest bit, Even, shook his head. "Don't be embarrassed, it's okay. That hurt. A lot." Here he took a pause. But, Isak… why aren't you sleeping well?"

Isak kept his eyes low. "I- I'm fine. It's nothing."

And now Even frowned. More than anything, he hated when Isak wouldn't talk to him. The older boy's words began to tumble out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Is it me, or your parents, or… Eskild told me you used to have trouble sleeping but he never said why, he said it got better when I came, but now… I know how tired you are the time. Please talk to me."

Isak sighed, keeping his face turned towards the floor. "It's not you. I just…"

It always happened, after the panic overflowed into something that spilled from every part of him and he lost control of his body. Sleep abandoned him as quickly as his nerves.

He didn't like to call them episodes. Episodes sounded far too medical and there was really nothing wrong, he was just stressed and tired.

The first time was so long ago he couldn't remember it. He did remember the time he stumbled out of Jonas's cabin at three am and gasped over the rail of the deck, sweat pooling on his forehead and dripping off his nose as he tried to catch his fucking breath but his stomach felt like rocks and his lungs weren't working right because Elias was in their room calling him a fucking faggot and grabbing at his ass and telling him "You like it, right, fag?" as Isak pushed him away and Elias was laughing and rolling his eyes and saying, "Whatever, dude, I'm just messing around," and he fell asleep but Isak couldn't and didn't and after a while passed he was trembling so violently that he stumbled out of Jonas's cabin at three am.

Eva came out for water. She saw him on the deck.

"Isak?"

"Hmm?" the boy hummed, shaking and trying to keep his bile from rising.

Eva put one hand on his back. "Are- are you okay?" She could feel how his shirt clung to him.

"Yeah," Isak choked out.

"Isak," sighed Eva. She'd seen him like this before. Never this bad but she knew that he hurt more than he would tell anyone. "Isak, what's wrong? Please."

"I just- Elias- he makes me a little- uncomfortable," the boy stuttered. And Eva closed her eyes and drew him close to her and let him shake. They didn't speak about it ever again. But she knew. And he knew.

And Isak remembered when Eva had come to his house and Jonas had gone to the door and sent her away. When he came back, Isak was where he'd left him, in his room in one corner, face buried in his knees, sobbing out "I can't- I just can't- I can't breathe and I- I just can't anymore."

"Isak," Jonas said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I'm just so sick of this- I can't do it anymore. It's too hard."

"I'm sorry," Jonas said, pressing the smaller boy's golden curls into his shoulder. "I'm sorry. You're right. It's not fair. I'm sorry."

"I can't breathe," Isak hyperventilated.

Jonas didn't know what to say besides, "I'm here. I'm always here."

He felt one coming on the night Eskild found him, so he drank and drank until it went away. But that didn't stop them forever, just until the night in the basement, a few weeks later, when his mother's bible verses just kept coming and he felt himself losing any control he'd ever had as he threw up onto the cold cement floor. "I'm sorry," he told Eskild the next day. "I had too much to drink."

And then the night that Even kissed Sonja at Emma's party and he tried to hurt Mahdi because what else would asshole Isak Valtersen do but try to hurt the chillest, kindest dude around? Fucking asshole, that's why he lost Even that's why he lost everyone, that's why he was throwing up onto the street now, again with the throwing up why did this keep happening Jesus fucking Christ he couldn't fucking breathe.

The one last week hadn't been bad. Just Isak fogging up the bathroom mirror as he hyperventilated onto it for half an hour because he thought he heard somebody call him a fag under their breath and he wasn't ashamed anymore but it made his vision go blurry. It wasn't that bad but it still shook him to his core and sleep didn't come easily after. So that's how he ended up here with Even now, bloody chin and all. And when this all tumbled out, Even's heart broke.

"Isak," he sighed, pulling the smaller boy into him tighter than anyone ever had.

"I'm-it's fine, I'm okay," Isak muttered.

"You're not. You're having panic attacks and insomnia," argued Even.

"No, it's not- it's not like that serious. I'm just stressed. I get stressed."

Even just kept holding on, pressing kisses into Isak's hair. He didn't want to upset him further but it killed Even to think of Isak hurting like that.

And Even knew he had to get his boy help.