A/N. Thanks for all the support guys. I'm sorry to have frightend anyone. I assure you I'm perfectly fine just out of sorts ya know. Meds. heh.
Because I was bored and work was slow.
Chapter 4.
"Chuck are you alright?" Sarah's voice broke through the fog. He recognized it easily, always, but didn't respond. His mind and thoughts were still on the scene in the bathroom. Of Natalie, lying naked upon her bathroom floor, covered in her own blood. Body pale and white causing the scars over her body to become more pronounced. Showing her pain in a visible light for all to see.
He reached his hand up to his hair running his fingers through it once before grasping the strands as tight as possible and tugging hard. He wanted to cause himself pain. If he was in some other pain he could focus on that instead of the pain and guilt that was building up inside of him over Natalie. But he couldn't do that, not yet anyways and he was mostly grateful for his current situation if for only that right now.
He sat in the passenger's seat with the door opened of Casey's crown Victoria. He'd been there for an indeterminate amount of time but he figured from the sun rising that it's been awhile. He didn't remember how exactly he came to be in Casey's car, he was just grateful that he was and not still in that bathroom with her body and those words.
Join Me.
Chuck let out a shuttering breath. She wanted him to join her. Join her where? In death? The thought both scared and intrigued him. But he held steadfast to his promise to not leave his sister.
'Is that the only reason I stay?' He asked himself.
He felt more then saw Sarah kneel down beside him between the car and the open door. He could smell her natural scent that always seemed orangey and perfect. It was refreshing and awoke his senses bringing him further to the present and his surrounding despite his internal protest to stay where he was and let himself go numb.
"Chuck." She whispered softly causing bumps on his flesh. But he turned his head away from her. He didn't feel ready to deal with his feelings and emotions for her. He was overwhelmed with what had happened and what he did and didn't do. He didn't think he could handle anything else right now.
"What happened Casey?" He heard her say as she stood up straight. He heard Casey grunt, obviously coming closer to them to minimize others overhearing.
"The nerds' girlfriend offed herself-"
"CASEY!"
"And he was there the whole time." Casey told her ignoring her protest. Chuck knew he was angry but at what he wasn't quite sure. Probably that he has to clean up another mess that Chuck had made.
"How did you get involved here?" She asked him as she surveyed the area. There were neighbors everywhere as well as an ambulance and fire truck. Police cars blocked off the complex and Chuck was surprised they even let Casey take him away being as he was the only one there.
"Bartowski called me." Casey said. That was news to Chuck. Then again, he really didn't remember much.
"Why would he call you and not me? Or even the police." Sarah asked slightly hurt and alarmed. Chuck wanted to know the answer to that too.
"I don't think he was thinking straight. He just picked up his phone and called the first number in the contacts which is me." Casey replied obviously not amused.
They both went silent as they watched what was happening around them. A gurney came out of an apartment, and came down the stairs to the ambulance waiting. There was no urgency in their actions, everyone going at their own pace. There was nothing that could be done. Natalie was beyond being saved now.
Chuck felt Sarah's eyes on him as he closed his tightly not wanting to see around him. Not wanting the final vision of anything involving Natalie to be of emergency vehicles and curious nosy neighbors.
"I talked to the cops, they'll need a statement from him later but it looks like a classic suicide so no charges are going to be brought up."
Chuck didn't want to hear anymore. He raised his hands to his head covering his ears and brought his legs up as tight as possible burying his face. He wanted to run and hide and stop existing at least for a little while.
He blocked out the rest of their conversation, focusing on the blackness behind his eyelids and the rushing of blood through his covered ears. He didn't think about anything just kept it blank until he felt soft fingers run through this hair.
Jolted out of his own reverie Chuck turned enough to look towards his right and saw Sarah crouched there beside him again. He couldn't help but notice the worried expression on her face that she tried to hide as the wind blew her hair about. She didn't have her normal make up on, looking like she just put something on to look presentable.
She couldn't look more beautiful in his eyes.
Chuck scrunched his face in pain at that thought, hating himself for it and the timing. Feeling guilty about noticing another's beauty just hours after fucking a practical stranger. Because that's what she was. He couldn't deny it. He had known her for less than a week, had done very intimate things with her including drinking, self-harm, public indecency and plain old sex but he knew practically nothing about her but her name and that she has…had major issues.
Guilt filled him and he covered his face once again and tugged hard on his hair. 'Don't think don't think' He changed to himself. It was too fresh to focus on.
"Come on Chuck you're coming with me." Sarah's voice said softly in his ear after prying his fingers slightly loose. He sat there for a few more seconds as the words reverberated around his head. It took him a moment for the words to hit the right area for him to understand.
"Where are we going?" He said into his knee, not ready to move. Sarah continued to string her hand through his hair massaging the back of his neck. It felt wonderful and it made him sick to feel it.
"We're going to my place for a bit. You need some sleep. We need to talk and report this to Beckman." She said gently.
Another wave of exhaustion hit him. Beckman. He had forgotten all about her. About being an asset of the government. Of being the Intersect. He couldn't remember the last time he thought of the computer in his head and it baffled him for a moment that he could even forget for a second.
A few minutes later he finally uncurled himself from his position in Casey's car. He knew he'd have hell to pay later for putting his feet on the seat of Casey's car but he'd have to deal with that later.
For the first time in hours he stood at his full height. It took him a moment to get his barring, leaning heavily on the car. Being tall while had its advantages did have its disadvantages too. One which was disorientation meant further to fall, but once he got his barring he grasped Sarah's outstretched hand tightly and let her lead him over to her Porsche that was parked on the other side of the police barricade.
The ride to Sarah's hotel was completely silent aside from the noises from the vehicle and the surrounding traffic. Chuck could sense that Sarah was biting her lower lip to stop from saying anything. She obviously wanted to talk about what was going on, which was odd to begin with. But then again his behavior in the past 24 hours hasn't been normal and couldn't be ignored. Even he recognized that.
They arrived at her hotel in no time, Sarah taking her usual liberties and breaking the sound barrier to get to her destination as quickly as possible. Chuck had gotten out of the car slowly, dreading actually getting in her room, wondering if that was when she would finally break her silence. He prayed the elevator would continue on forever never to reach its destination, and he begged any deity that was listening to make the hallway endless to the door of her room.
Alas, each was ignored and denied, not that he actually expected anything else.
Once inside the room, Chuck walked in and slowly headed towards the window on the opposite side of the room while Sarah carefully closed the door. He stared down at the traffic below, watching as people moved to and from their destination and wondered what each of them had been thinking as they went around the city doing their errands.
"You should sleep." Sarah's soft voice floated to him from beside the bed. He hesitated a moment before turning and looking at her, eying her warily before staring at the bed. At her bed. It looked warm and comfortable with its fluffy pillows arranged half hazard and the blankets unmade. Guilt rippled through him knowing that a call from Casey about what had happened had woken her from her sleep causing her alarm to come down right away to the crime scene. He wondered for a moment what she had been dreaming about before the call came.
"I can't. Not, yet. I need to shower." He told her not looking her in the eye.
"You can after you sleep Chuck. You look exhausted, I doubt you'll stay awake long enough to bathe." She reasoned and he shook his head.
"I smell like smoke and-"he couldn't say it, not to her. The woman he was in love with. He smelled like cigarettes and sex. He turned away back to the window and looked out on the horizon. He heard Sarah move the blankets around, obviously getting ready to force him into bed regardless.
He startled a few minutes later as she came up to him and ran her hand down his arm. It felt good and warm on his chilled skin. He finally turned his head to look at her, and he frowned at the sadness in her eyes.
"It's ok Chuck. It can be cleaned. They're just bedding." She told him assuring. He nodded his understanding at her statement, the hidden message she tried to convey in her eyes and a small weight was lifted from him.
He walked over to the bed, kicked on his shoes and climbed onto it. Immediately he sank into its warm soft comfort that seemed to cradle him as he laid upon it. He felt Sarah lift the blankets from the end of the bed and place them over him and tucking the ends in tightly around him. Chuck took a deep breath inhaling her scent; a soft smile crept on his face. He didn't think he had a right to have it but it was there and he wasn't going to let it go.
Sarah flittered around the room, closing blinds and turning off whatever lights she had left on as she rushed out the door this morning. Chuck laid there in bed surrounded by the warmth of the blankets listening as she did her task.
"Sarah." He said quietly. It took a moment for her to respond.
"You should sleep Chuck." She said simply as she turned off the last light. She climbed into bed and leaned against the headboard as if keeping watch over him, which he supposed she was doing.
"I'm sorry." He said simply, for lack of anything else to say. She shushed him softly and placed her hand back on his head and gently ran her fingers through his hair again soothingly.
Soon he was asleep.
Chuck woke hours later to the room being pitch black. He rolled over on his side and reached over to the other side of the bed before he paused half way and the memories of the last time he did that came flash back. Everything that happened entered his mind and replayed as his entire body tingled back to the world of the waking.
Finally he was able to open his eyes and he looked over to where his hand was reaching for to see the spot empty. It took him another few moments to determine where he was as he stared at the space that Sarah had been in last.
He sat up in the bed, a chill running over him as the blanket fell from his body and he looked around. The room was dark and there didn't appear to be anyone in the room. For a second his heart stopped as he looked towards the bathroom, waiting to see a sliver of light from under the door, but to his relief the door was wide opened and the lights were off.
Covering his face with his hands he curled up once more taking a few deep breaths before once again looking around the room. He saw a pile of clothes at the end of the bed, neatly folded and stacked with a note on top of it.
Reaching over to the bedside table he turned on the lamp and glanced at the clock. It was past six in the evening. He was surprised he had slept so long. Getting out of bed he wrapped his arms around his lanky body as he walked to the pile and picked up the note.
"Clean clothes for you. Be back soon with dinner. – Sarah." It simply said. He wondered how long she had been gone for a second before discarding the unimportance of it and picking up the clothes.
Walking into the bathroom he couldn't help the small smile that crossed his face. For a spy for the US Government who could disappear any second and leave no trace of ever being there, he was glad to see that Sarah at least made herself a little comfortable for the long run. The whole bathroom was littered with personal items of make-up and perfumes. Beauty products he had no idea what they were for and devices he can only presume are for torture.
He placed his clothing down on the top of the toilet and turned the water on as hot as possible. He stepped away to allow it to heat up as he took off his clothes. He looked in the mirror and noticed the dark bags under his eyes and how his normally tanned skin from living in southern California was now pasty white.
He watched himself as he unbuttoned his shirt and began to remove it, saw the fresh scratch marks from his night with Natalie that marred his flesh along with the scars of his own doing from his past. He looked down at his arms, the fresh burn marks from the night before last that he had placed there on his own with the help of the mysterious girl who flittered into his life and left just as quickly.
Chuck looked away then, to the floor to the walls anything but the mirror. He couldn't stand to look at himself. He felt dirty and disgusting. He stripped off the rest of his clothing and stepped into the spray of hot water, not bothering to temper it.
'The hotter the better.' He said to himself as the water burned his skin turning it red and irritating his flesh.
The only soap available was the body wash that Sarah used that gave her that beautiful citrus smell that he loved so much. He didn't want to use it but he had no choice. He felt it was disrespectful to wash off the scent of the girl he used with the girl he loved, but he wanted to be clean. He couldn't stand it any longer the feeling of smoke and grunge.
He scrubbed himself thoroughly, repeating several times until he finally felt clean enough to stop. Then he stood under the spray of the water until it turned tepid then ice cold and even then he didn't move. He didn't know how long he stayed there before he finally turned off the water and with shaking freezing fingers reached for the towel on the rack to dry off.
He paced the length of the room a few times, arms wrapped tightly around him once he had gotten dressed. All the lights in the place were turned on, casting away any dark shadows that may lurk and come for him. He was grateful that Sarah had chosen a long sleeved shirt for him, but regardless he was still freezing from his cold shower and his skin still hurt from being burned.
For lack of anything else to do Chuck finally stomped over to the bed and angrily began pulling the bedding from it and tossing it to the floor at the end. He violently removed the cases from the pillows and the sheets from the mattress.
"You don't have to do that." Sarah's voice said startling him. He visibly jumped dropping the pillow that was in his hand, so distracted by his task to not hear her come in.
She stood there by the door, a bag of food in one hand and her keys in the other. She was completely dressed and made up like her normal self, unlike what she looked like that morning. Chuck felt slightly disappointed, finding her more beautiful in her naturalness but regardless she was gorgeous.
"I have to." He said, picking the pillow back up from the bed. In his peripheral vision he saw Sarah place the food on a table by the door and walk toward him. She stepped around the bedding already on the floor and came up next to him and reached for the pillow. By then he had released it from the case and tossed it back on the bed before she can grab it.
"Chuck, it's ok, it will be taken care of." She assured him. He faced her seeing the sadness in her eyes.
"You shouldn't have to deal with it. It's my mess. I can handle it." With that he stepped around and walked to the window, sitting in a chair at the table there. He lifted one leg up to the edge and hugged it to him tightly.
"It's my just to handle things Chuck. Remember, I'm your handler." Sarah said in a light manner, hoping to elicit a smile from him.
Staring out the window he tried to ignore her, though it wasn't fair to her. It was his fault, everything but he wasn't sure how to deal with it. All he wanted to do was go home, curl in his bed for a few days and just mope. To think about it or not that would be up to him even though he knew Ellie would be worried and he wouldn't get much quiet moping time.
He ignored Sarah more as he heard a sigh and she sat down in the chair across from him. The only thing separating them was the table. Staring out the window he had to marvel at the view at night. It was beautiful the darkness littered with lights from the city. He looked down wishing he could see the people below better, wondering the difference between the day and the night activities.
"We need to talk Chuck." Sarah said watching him. He shook his head no. "Don't; no don't say no to me. Chuck we-"
"Stop, ok just stop. Ok." He shouted turning to look at her. He immediately felt guilty at her hurt look. "I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry." With that he turned back to the window. They sat in silence for several minutes before she tried again.
"We have to Chuck because something is seriously wrong and we can't pretend everything is fine anymore." She told him. Chuck snorted at that comment and finally looked at her.
"Is that what we've been doing? Pretending everything is fine? Everything is dandy. I've been doing my job haven't I? Flashing, following orders. What else is there?" He dully asked. He felt so tired again.
"You stayed in the car last time." She told him, as if that would explain everything. He was confused and it shown. "You never stay in the car. I told you and you stayed. "Chuck laughed at her.
"And that sends warning bells? Not the silence, or the weight loss, or lack of anything else. It's that I stayed in the car when you told me too." He stood up abruptly and walked away from the table, feeling her eyes on him.
"No Chuck it's been more than that. We've noticed, I've noticed. Please tell me." She begged him watching him go back and forth. He hugged his arms tighter around himself.
"What does it matter?"
"It matters a lot Chuck. You're not…you've been…" She couldn't finished or find the words.
"I've been emotional? Is that what you're trying to say? Well you should know that by now with that fucking file I'm sure you all complied on me when I got this thing. Your fucking intersect is emotionally unstable. Good going Bryce Larkin, sending the most important Government tool ever to the most emotionally unstable person he could find." He laughed with derision at that.
Taking a few deep breaths to calm his racing heart and quail the anger that was building up within him he took a few more trips around the room.
"You're only worried that your precious machine will end up killing himself, but I made a promise to Ellie and I won't so you can rest assured." He told her not halting.
"That's not what they are worried about Chuck. And yes we knew about…your issues." Sarah told him causing him to laugh again.
"Issues? Is that what you people call it? Issues. That's nice. My pain is just an issue, to be solved by what way?" He asked her.
"That's not what I meant. I just meant that we are aware of your past, of what happened before." She said.
"Are you referring to my cutting problem or the attempted suicide? Either way I've made a promise I'll be around."
"You've said that Chuck, we are aware of your promise, but-"
"I'm not doing it to make sure you are aware I repeat it to make sure I keep it! To keep telling myself to keep it. To not give in to all the hatred and despair I feel towards myself and just fucking end it!" He shouted, stopping his pacing to star at her menacingly. But it only lasted a second as a wave of exhaustion once again hit him.
Chuck walked back over to the chair he had vacated and sat down heavily, placing his hand over his eyes. Out of all the conversations he'd love to have with Sarah this was not one of them. He sighed heavily and lowered his hand as a thought struck him.
"That's how they'd do it." He said to himself.
"Do what Chuck?" Sarah asked him confused. He sat silently for a second thinking it through.
"To get rid of me. They're going to make it look like a suicide." He looked at her but he didn't need a response. Her face told it all. "Is that why I'm not in a bunker? They were worried their toy would destroy itself. But if it got out of control they could easily take care of it."
Laughter bubbled up in his chest at the situation. Everything came crashing down. It didn't matter how hard he fought he would lose. Whether to himself or the assistance of the NSA. Once the laughter ended he looked over to Sarah's sad face and he immediately felt sorry for her. She was just a pawn just like him.
"I would never let it come to that Chuck." She said so earnestly he almost believed her. He gave her a sad smile.
"But regardless even if you save me, Ellie will still be hurt and my promise will be broken. " He told her sadly. They sat in silence lost in their own thoughts. The whole situation had gone from bad to worse in Chuck's mind. But there was one thing at least he could do.
"I'd like to go home now." He told her tiredly. She nodded.
"You need to eat first Chuck. I know you haven't had anything sin-"
"No really, I just want to go home. Ellies there. I promise I'll eat." He told her leaving no room for argument. To emphasize his point he stood up and gathered his dirty clothes. Not having any choice Sarah followed.
A/N Feel free to review. Next scheduled one is still the 6th. but of course if i have time...Which is possible cause the next chapter practically is written in my head just gotta get it on computer.