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Chapter 5.
They walked slowly into the courtyard of his apartment complex after the deathly silent car ride there. Sarah had attempted several times to start a conversation with him but Chuck answered with minimal responses or ignored her completely. He had so much on his mind. He felt slightly bad for what he was about to do but feeling he had no choice and was pushed into a corner it was the only way out that he could see.
"Are you alright Chuck?" She asked him as they reached his door. He stared at the doorknob, not wanting to meet her gaze as he answered.
"I'm fine Sarah. I just, I need to be alone for a bit." He told her, still not making eye contact.
"I'll be over at Casey's' if you need anything ok?" She informed him running a hand along his arm. It caused him to shiver.
"Why?" He asked her curiously. Sarah was quiet for a moment before she dropped her arm to her side, Chuck instantly missing her touch.
"We have to report to Beckman the status of all this. With local law enforcement involved and a death, we're having to pull some strings to keep you completely out. " She told him honestly. Chuck took a deep breath and held it in.
"What's going to happen?" He asked trying to quail the panic that suddenly flared up in his gut. Sarah eyed him curiously.
"What do you mean?" Chuck stood there, towering over her looking at the top of her head, jaw clenched. He didn't know exactly what he meant but he knew exactly what needed to be done. With that he just shook his head at her and turned towards the door and opened it.
"Bye Sarah." He said closing it behind him, missing the worried look she gave him.
Chuck turned around after he shut the door and leaned his back heavily against it sighing deeply. He closed his eyes tight and chanted to himself to calm down. Everything will be fine.
"Chuck? What's wrong?" Ellies voice broke through his haze and he immediately stood up straight from the door. He look over to her sitting curled on the couch watching some show on TV. As she stared at him she turned the TV off looking alarmed. He wanted to tell her that everything was fine but he couldn't.
Walking away from the door he placed his knee on the cushion on the couch and kneeled on it before he wrapped his long lanky arms around his sisters middle laying his head on her lap and stomach. He didn't intend to start off like this curled up around his sister sobbing but the stress of the past 48 hours had just hit him and he just wanted to be with someone who was nice to him and saw him for him for just a little bit.
His sister for her part, he knew was freaking out over his behavior but just held him, running her hands through his hair and face, rubbing his back as he sobbed his sorrows to her. After an extended amount of time the sobs turned into whimpers and hiccups as he was calming down. He glanced up at his sister from his position and saw the moisture in her eyes as she felt whatever pain he felt too. He knew she found the burns on his arms during that time, as she comforted him.
"I'm sorry Ellie. I'm so sorry." He cried out. Ellie brought her thumbs to under his eyes and wiped away the tears that were still falling.
"It's ok Chuck. Whatever it is we can deal alight? We always have and we always will." She told him encouragingly. Chuck let a small smile escape his lips at her enthusiasm. He knew if the world fell apart around him he could always count on Ellie to help tape it back together.
With one last swipe of tears she pushed him slightly to get him to stand up. He crawled up on his knees on the couch as she stood up and stretched before holding out her hand to him. He took it gratefully and stood up towering over her as she led him to the bathroom so she could check his arms herself.
Chuck closed the door behind him, guaranteeing them privacy for what he had to tell her. He knew it was the only place that wasn't bugged, something he had begged for. Just a little privacy.
"Take your shirt off I want to make sure you have no other wounds." She instructed him not looking towards him; she was busy getting out medical supplies she kept beneath the sink. When Chuck made no move to do what she asked she finally looked up from her position on the floor.
"Chuck?" She asked him and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself taking a few extra deep breaths.
"Please sit down Ellie I have something important to tell you. " He said, mustering all the strength and courage he could. Ellie stood up alarmed.
"Chuck?" She said again walking towards him. Chuck took a second to look behind him at the door, thinking he heard something. When nothing happened he grabbed Ellies hand and led her to sit on top of the toilet seat while he kneeled beside her and held her hands in her lap. His mind drifted for a second as he gathered his thoughts that he was glad they were neat freaks or this might be gross to kneel on.
"I have something important to tell you. Something that sounds so, incredible that I hope that you believe me." He started.
"If you believe it to be true Chuck I'll believe you. You'd never lie to me." She said. That statement struck pain in his heart so strong that he put his hand to his chest and moaned loudly as his heart tried to come out. The tears began falling from his eyes again as guilt wracked through him.
"That's just it Ellie. I've lied to you. I've been lying for the past two years." He cried out. Ellie began trying to sooth him aging running her hand through his hair again.
"Then tell me what you lied about ok? It can be fixed I promise you. You're not alone." She said soothingly.
Chuck took a few steadying breaths and wiped his hand over his eyes. He thought of the best place to begin, having so much to tell her and so little time. He was well aware that Casey and Sarah would be watching until they came out of that bathroom and when it wasn't quickly they would suspect he was telling her.
"It started two years ago on my birthday when I received an email from Bryce Larkin."
With that he told her the extraordinary tale of his life over the past two years. Everything he's always wanted to tell her, everything he heated keeping from her. Ellie sat patiently not asking any questions as his eyes glazed over and the tale came out of him.
He told her of Sarah and Casey, of Bryce still being alive. He told her of the missions, leaving out specifics. He confessed all the lies he's told her, everything he's hidden from her.
To Ellies credit she didn't interrupt him once and Chuck was eternally grateful to her for that. He wasn't sure if he would be able to tell the whole tale of complete it with questions. He was also worried about time. He was worried that any second Casey and Sarah would come busting through the door, guns drawn, ready to take him out. To either kill him or take him to the bunker they've threatened him with quietly for the past two years.
"Wow." Ellie said as he finished his tale. He couldn't help but let a light laugh escape. He just told her the most incredible story and all she could say is 'wow'.
"I know. It's hard to believe but I swear Ellie, it's all true. I'm not lying or crazy or anything." He said desperately. But she gave him her patented Ellie smile.
"It is hard to believe. And honestly if you hadn't had such a hard time lately I would seriously consider you crazy." She confessed looking him directly in his eyes. "But this proves to me that something is wrong." She brought his arm up showing him the burn marks that littered his skin.
She lowered his arm and just held on tight to his hand as if afraid to let go. The silence stretched out each stuck in their own thoughts. Chuck wasn't sure what else to say, there was more but there wasn't much time left until they were interrupted and all could very much go to hell.
"There's one more thing Ellie. The reason I'm telling you all this now. They know-"He paused taking a deep breath. "They know about this and what happened before." He said indicating his arm again.
"I don't under-"
"If there comes a time where I need to be…dealt with they will use it against me and they will stage it to be a suicide." He told her bringing a hand up to run through this hair. He felt anger that they would use such a situation to bring pain to his sister, but that's why he was telling her now.
"Chuck, I-"
"But it won't be me. I need you to know that. In the event that I end up dead I want you to know I didn't back out of my promise. I wasn't weak. I didn't give in. Please you have to believe I would never do that. Not again." He pleaded with her, his voice rising in desperation. Ellie tried calming him but he needed her to believe him.
"I know Chuck. I know you wouldn't" Was all she could say as he got more worked up.
Chuck let out a relieved breath of air, eyes fluttering tiredly as he sank further on his knees and brought his head down to the floor in relief. He tried steadying his heart rate and breath, knowing getting worked up over this was no helping the situation.
After a few moments Chuck finally sat up and gave his sister a sad smile, she watched him concerned but he could see the panic in her eyes she was trying to hide from him. He wasn't sure what she was panicking about, it could be anything, but he was just glad she wasn't running out the door to call the hospital to pick him up.
"So Sarah, she's not your real girlfriend, she's an Agent." Ellie asked him, and he thought for a moment on what was so important about that. Out of everything he just told her it was odd she'd focus on that. But he didn't blame her; it was a lot to take in.
"No she's an Agent for the CIA. She's just my handler." He told her causing his heart to hurt more. He wished it wasn't the truth but he had to face facts. Sarah was only there to do her job. And if the time came, he had no doubt in his mind that she would be the one to take him out.
"I see." Ellie said simply standing up. She reached down to help Chuck stand up, his legs feeling pain and numbness at being kneeled down for so long.
"I'm sorry to burden you with all this information Ellie." He apologized to her. Ellie wrapped her arms around him tightly, placing a kiss on his cheek.
"Never apologize for this Chuck. You have never been a burden. This was done to you, not by you. I'm always here for you no matter what ok?" With that she gave him one final squeeze before letting go.
Chuck gave another sad smile before walking to the door and glancing back at his sister before finally opening it. His head turned right as it opened and his heart stopped at the sad look on Sarah's face as she stood there waiting.
"Oh Chuck, what have you done?" Sarah said softy. For the first time since he realized they would make him break his promise to Ellie he felt guilty. He betrayed Sarah's trust to keep this secret and he went at the first opportunity to tell his sister.
He was so numb at the suddenness of seeing Sarah there that he barley registered as his sister pulled the door opened the rest of the way, stepped in front of him, and proceeded to bring her first back and hit Sarah square in the face.
His mouth fell astonished as Sarah fell backwards against the wall across from the bathroom. He quickly moved in front of Ellie moving her away from Sarah in fear of retaliation.
"You bitch! How could you!" Ellie shouted at Sarah from behind Chuck. He was confused and caught between wanting to help Sarah up and fear for Ellie.
Sarah stood up straight and brought her hand down from her face to check for any blood. There wasn't any but from the angry red mark in the shape of a fist there will be a black eye in no time. Sarah had yet to respond as she pressed gently on her would and Chuck relaxed slightly as she gave no sign of retaliation.
"Ellie, I-"
"No! I trusted you! With my brother!"
"Ellie stop." Chuck protested turning to face her. He saw her livid angry eyes and tears brimming. He didn't want them to fight but he had to admit that it felt good that someone at least seemed to care.
"No Chuck. Don't you see it? She played you. She uses you with the permission of the government. And I allowed it. I blessed it." She was angry now and he was slightly frightened. Angry Ellie was not a pretty sight and not easy to handle. But he felt his mind breaking; he needed her to be solid.
"Stop Ellie, just stop I know I know all this. I need you to be the sane one right now. Please." He begged her desperately. Ellie took a few stuttering breaths before she nodded her conformity. He watched her glare at Sarah who had yet to say word through the whole thing.
"We need to get to Casey's. We need to report to Beckman." Sarah said sadly walking away from them.
Chuck closed his eyes and covered his face. Everything seemed to be going wrong and he didn't know how much longer he could hold it together. He may not be willing to kill himself because of the promise but he knew that won't stop him from everything else. The evident on his arm showed him that.
"Come on Chuck." Sarah said softly from the end of the hall waiting for them to follow.
"What the F-"Casey started but was stopped with a raised hand from Sarah as they entered his apartment. Ellie looked around curiously, always wondering what Casey's apartment would look like.
"What is he doing here?" Chuck said alarmed stopping in the doorway causing Ellie to crash into him. She looked around him eyes opened wide in astonishment before narrowing.
"Why you little-"She was cut off by Chuck turning around to her again blocking her view.
"Ellie Plea-"
"I know I know. Sorry. It's just, a lot to take in. I thought he was dead." She told him.
"I told you he was alive." He argued but she just nodded and he turned back around.
"What are you doing here Bryce?" Chuck asked him warily. This was not the best time for him to show up with everything that's happening. He didn't want to deal with this shit.
Bryce Larkin smiled his ever cheesy agent smile that made Chuck want to punch him even more. Even thought he had been vindicated of things happening in the past, he still hadn't fully forgiven him. Probably never would. If Bryce hurt Chuck the way he did because he liked him, he'd hate to see what he'd do to an enemy.
But mostly, even though he longed for the careless days of college that they shared, he just wishes Bryce Larkin would go away. Especially now that he was at his lowest he's been in years.
"The General called me in after you met Natalie." He said simply. Ellie looked confused.
"Who is Natalie Chuck?" She asked him curiously, eyeing him. He didn't want to get into it. He had left that part of the story out of their talk.
"She's the girl your brother screwed last night who killed herself." Casey supplied annoyed as he filled out some report at the dining room table.
"What?" Ellie said clearly upset at this news.
Warily Chuck sat down heavily on the chair in the living room covering his face once more. He couldn't handle this anymore. Everything was building up once more and nothing made sense. Nothing since he left Sarah's hotel had made any sense.
He felt himself closing off as the voices around him continued. He didn't need or want to be a part of their conversation. He didn't need to know what they were saying. He knew they were talking about him, he could hear Ellies concerned voice as they recalled the small amount of details available in regards to Natalie.
He let his mind drift trying to think of nothing but his mind kept coming back to Natalie. Ellies telling him that he was being used by Sarah had hit something inside him. Had he been using Natalie? Was Casey right in his abrupt his assessment? Had he just screwed Natalie?
At the time he felt it was perfect. He had found somebody who seemed to understand him and get his issues. Yet he didn't know anything about her. He still didn't even in death with government agents. He had known this woman for less than a week, spent probably less than twenty-four hours total with her and he had screwed her.
He berated himself for that thought. He didn't just screw her it was more than that. Everything seemed perfect when they were together that night. The rain beating on the closed window, the mugginess of the room. He felt alive and wonderful and all he wanted to do was make this sad woman happy if only for a little while.
But she had killed herself, and left a message for him to join her. A message he disregarded. Was it callous? Was it expected? Did she really think he would join her in the afterlife? Was him sitting there more proof that he is just a fucked up guy who used a girl.
"Chuck stop it!" Ellie yelled at him startling him from his thoughts. He looked up at her confused for a second before the pain in his arm started to come through. He looked down to see his fingers clawing his skin and the blood that was seeping from the scratches. He looked up at Ellie saddened; he didn't mean to do it. He wasn't even aware that he was.
"I'm sorry." He said dully, giving them one last look before letting his eyes unfocused and go back to his thoughts. He needed help and he wasn't sure how to get it.
"Chuck? Chuck man, snap out of it." Bryce's voice broke through his thoughts.
Chuck shook his head coming out from the dark places his thoughts had taken him to focus on Bryce crouching in front of him. He took a moment to look around and found himself curled up on his couch at his own home. He was confused thinking back on how he got there but having no memory.
"How…what…" He started confused. Bryce picked up on it.
"You were pretty out of it Chuck so they had Casey bring you home. Ellie is still there duking it out with Sarah she's pretty upset." He told him as he got up from the crouch and moved over to the overstuffed chair by the couch.
Chuck sat up and covered his face trying to get his barring.
"Is Casey there?" He asked him lowering his hands to look at Bryce. Bryce gave a smirk before answering.
"Oh yeah. You think Casey is going to leave your sister alone with Sarah after she punched her. Let me tell you Beckman was not amused. Or maybe she was she's a hard woman to read." Bryce told him causing a small smirk to come out of Chuck.
"I can't believe Ellie hit her. Ellie Bartowski, non-violent doctor hit Sarah international CIA ninja assassin." Chuck said amazed. For a second everything felt normal. For a second he felt like he was home from school with Bryce on a holiday. But it all came crashing back down.
"What's going on Chuck?" Bryce finally asked after several minutes of silence. Chuck just closed his eyes and turned away facing away from him. As much as Chuck liked to talk, talking about what's actually wrong was not something he liked to do, hence why people go so worried. And if he was honest with himself Bryce Larkin was the last person he ever wanted to talk to.
They sat in silence for several minutes, Chuck doing his best to ignore Bryce and Bryce waiting for Chuck to begin talking. He never really knew how bad his depression could get as Chuck while under a lot of stress to succeed in school seemed down a lot but generally seemed like a happy guy.
"Chuck." He prompted again.
"I don't want to discuss it with you. Or anything. What the fuck are you doing here anyways?" He spat out angrily at Bryce. He grimaced at his harsh language. He really didn't like to swear.
"Beckman brought me in. She spoke to me a few weeks ago. They were concerned the way you've been acting lately. She wanted to know what kind of risk you'd be." He told him. Chuck laughed out loud at that.
"Risk, nice to see how much she cares." He said sadly. He took a few deep breaths. "How much trouble am I in?" He asked Bryce, finally looking at him. He saw Bryce's pensive face a for a second was worried he wouldn't get some bullshit CIA answer. "The truth Bryce. Please."
"Honestly at this point I don't know. I was brought in a few days ago to assess the situation. With The death of this Natalie girl, it made things more complicated." Bryce told him. The news was not good for Chuck.
"I don't…I didn't…" He didn't know what to say.
"Luckily you're not a suspect so there shouldn't be much repercussion from that." He said. Chuck gave a snort of derision.
"A woman died Bryce." He said annoyed at how callous he sounded. Bryce sighed loudly before continuing.
"Chuck, you are the Intersect chuck. And yes I know. It's my fault you are." He said knowing exactly what Chuck was going to spit out at him. "But regardless you are and you have to take better care of yourself. Sleeping with random people-"
"Stop. Just stop." With that Chuck got up and began pacing, something he's been doing a lot of lately.
"It wasn't like that. It's not like I planned it. Or that I'm doing it on purpose. I don't-"He didn't know why he was even bothering to explain it. All people see are the facts not caring about what's causing it.
"I know Chuck." He said softly. Chuck plopped down on the couch and starred into space. He didn't want to talk anymore. He wanted to go to his room and just sleep forever.
"You know. I was glad when Sarah was assigned to you. Finding that out, I couldn't have been happier." Bryce said softly. Curiously Chuck looked over at him, wondering what he meant exactly. It was a few moments before Bryce continued. "You know she's damaged too."
"She's not damaged, she's perfect." It was Bryce's turn to laugh.
"Hardly. She's is so incredibly smart, and beautiful and talented. But she has problems too. Issues like you. Only she's not allowed to express them or solve them without repercussions." He told Chuck, staring at him dead on.
"She loves her job. She wants to be the best." Chuck said plainly.
"She is the best. But, finding she was paired with you. I knew she'd be ok." Bryce was smiling now, obviously thinking of Sarah. But Chuck still didn't get it.
"I don't understand." He admitted tiredly. Bryce sat forward in the chair and looked directly at Chuck making sure he understood now.
"You never will if you don't stop wallowing in your own problems." Bryce bit out harshly causing Chuck to cringe. It took all his will power to stay there and listen further instead of withdrawal into his mind, something that's been easier and easier to do each time.
Bryce lowered his head and ran his hands over his face for a second before dropping them, obviously regretting being so harsh to Chuck in his words and tone. But he was desperate for him to hear him.
"I mean let her help you Chuck. And in helping you, you can help her. Help her come out, feel safe, talk, feel. She's as damaged as you are. And together, I honestly believe you two can heal each other." He said.
Chuck wasn't sure what to say to that. He'd tried helping Sarah. He'd been open with her about how he felt about her. She knew hell the world knew how he felt about Sarah Walker. He was always sure she had problems of her own, he always knew it was more than just CIA training. But she's always been so resistant to help.
He was thankfully saved from having to reply by the door opening quickly and slamming to the other side. An annoyed looking Ellie Bartowski walked in brusquely with her arms folded in front of her. She stopped by the couch and gave a small smile to Chuck, indicating it wasn't him that she was mad at.
Behind her Sarah walked in at a more sedate pace. Her face on the left side puffy red and starting to form a bruise. Chuck couldn't help but grimace at the sight of it, though secretly he still found her to be absolutely beautiful.
"Pack a bag Chuck. We're going away for a week." Ground out softly to him, looking directly at him and nothing else. Chuck was confused again.
"Where are we going?" He asked her looking over at Sarah who was sharing a look at Bryce, causing jealousy to course through him.
"Away. We need some time alone. We leave in an hour. Pack for warm weather. "With that she gave a final glare at Bryce and Sarah and walked away.
Chuck sat there confused still.
The end...Just kidding.
A/N *sigh*
RR if will!