Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
A/N: I didn't get into Toushiro's mind too much since you guys could just already imagine how he's taking all this. But other than that, I hope you like. Here you go. A promise well kept. A story I will fight to write until the end…even as I stealthily do it during my ochem lectures, tapping away on my little itouch notes screen. Shhhh….. hehe. More chapters to come. Please review.
WATASHI NO KOKORO
CHAPTER 42
Date Submitted: December 1, 2012
Name: Hitsugaya Toushiro
Division and Rank: 10th. Captain.
Date to start leave: December 1, 2012
Reason for leave:
Duration of leave: Indefinite.
Status: REQUEST APPROVED.[Stamp of first division insignia]
Matsumoto reread it again hoping to find something that would give her a clue as to where her taicho had disappeared to these past six months. She sighed. Crumpling the scroll of paper in her hand and fixed her solemn gaze towards the river. The setting sun reflected upon its vast surface; a fine sight to calm the soul –but not today.
Recalling when Momo mentioned this as their 'secret' place; where she and her Shiro-chan would meet. Rangiku have been in a search for something substantial; tangible. Trying to find proof that the once perfect love existed and endured.
Her knees gave out as she lowered herself to sit on the lush grass. Tears no longer come for they've been shed and dried a million times over. Maybe even more.
Mou…this isn't how it's suppose to end...is it?
"A penny for your thoughts, fukutaicho." Said a familiar voice from behind her. He was standing and leisurely leaning on the bark of the large tree.
Rangiku looked over her shoulder with downcast eyes, not bothering to look his way. Her long lashes casting dark shadows on her cheeks; emphasizing the gloom that plagues her heart.
"Hm. Hey, Gin...how long have you been following me?"
She doesn't really need to know. "Oh maybe about 15 minutes ago. I could smell yer foul reiatsu permeatin' with the summer breeze." He lightly joked.
Gone was the wily smile that poisoned his face. Ichimaru Gin now had his eyes open; they were a soft blue-jade in color, his light hair still worn in the same fashion though just a tad bit longer. While his overall expression is more decent nowadays and at most times austere.
Matsumoto turned to gaze out the river once again and shrugged. "So be it. I don't care about masking it anymore." She sighed for the second time. "I have to get back. I've been gone long enough." Already dreading the stacks of reports on her desk as she stood up and straightened her shihakuso.
"Since when did ya give a shit about doing paperwork?"
Her lips sadly quirked. He still can read me like a book. Though the realization somewhat irked her. "Since I lost my captain."
"You didn't lose him. He's just on leave."
Rangiku was shaking her head; annoyed as she flicked her golden hair back. What could this self-centered idiot know about the bond that taicho and Momo shared, if he apparently doesn't even have an inkling of what love is?
"You won't understand, Gin. And if you'll excuse me, I have to go." Brushing past him.
"Wait."
"What?" She snapped.
"I came to actually say thank you for vouching for my er...innocence last month. They finally loosened the chain around my neck –s'why I'm here. They added another five miles to my probation." He grinned. Referring to the Central 46, and also lifting up his white prison hakama to show her the ankle brace that had a flashing green light. Rangiku just assumed it would turn red if he's out of range.
Reserved crystal-blue eyes steadily met his soft jade. "There were plenty of us who showed up, Gin. I believe the others deserve your gratitude as well –not just me."
"Of course. But I wanted to thank ya first."
"Then you're welcome. And I wish you a good day."
"Hai, thank you Matsumoto-fukutaicho. And to you as well." Exaggeratedly bowing to his childhood friend.
Rangiku couldn't help but roll her eyes at the former taicho as she went on her way.
...
...
"I know it's late but let me in!"
"No visitors allowed after 9pm. I'm just following the rules Matsumoto-fukutaicho." Said one of the guards.
"Fine. Then I'll just get a hold of your superior." She huffed, fishing out her cell-phone and dialing Isane's number.
"Oi Rangiku-san, I really can't go out tonight. It's a work day tomorrow you know." The girl automatically answered.
"No baka! They won't let me through the 4th division gates. Please tell them to open it for me."
"It's almost midnight; you're way past visiting hours."
"I got bogged down in the office and just finally got caught up. Please Isane! Before I subject to showing them my boo-"
"Oi, don't do that! I'm on my way..."
Kotetsu Isane was already in her sleeping robe as the gates opened. Rangiku turned to face one of the guards and stuck her tongue out before sauntering in.
"Thank you! I owe you one."
The taller girl was yawning, "You don't owe me anything." Becoming serious when they neared the intensive care unit, and slowly opening one of the rooms. "You're doing enough as it is... keeping her company every day."
"Thank you again, Isane. You should go to sleep now-"
The girl burst out crying, "I don't know how you could do it Rangiku! Just watching her like that..." She was struggling to keep her sudden sobs quiet. Quickly wiping her tears as fast as they came out. "Unohana- taicho advised that I should tend to the other patients except Momo- san from then on...because...because I always break down every time...like what I'm doing now!"
Matsumoto hugged the girl, consoling her. "Shhh...It's okay. Oi, what if Momo could hear us right now? She'll feel even worse!"
Isane sniffled then took a deep breath to say, "Yes, yes you're right." Feeling better and even a little brave as she now neared their friend's bed. "Goodnight dear Momo-san, I'll see you tomorrow." She then looked at Matsumoto with a wavering smile before leaving the room.
..."Goodnight, Isane." Rangiku whispered then turned her attention to her friend.
"Hello Momo-chan, I'm sorry I'm late but I have good news. I'm going to stay the night and every night from now on, you'd like that ne?"
Already starting her routine of straightening everything up. She always starts with Hinamori's hair, even if it was left untouched Rangiku will comb her bangs to the other side from last she left it. Then she would continue on by moving the blanket and placing it by Momo's feet and smooth out the creases on her yukata, making sure they have her wear a different color for everyday of the week.
"I wish you're allowed some music here." Hating the beeping sounds that the machines were making as well as that air compressor contraption to help her breathe.
Matsumoto was gliding her hand over Momo's abdomen when she felt a strong shock. "Ayah! Not again...tsk. That's rude you know!" Scolding and wiggling her index finger towards her friend's much enlarged belly.
"Brat." Just like your father. She thought while massaging her numb and tingling hand. "And fine. I'll stop bothering you now." As she covered Hinamori with the blanket, making it reach just below her shoulders then tucking her in.
"Goodnight, Momo. And goodnight you little rascal."
Rangiku settled on the chair beside the bed and sighed. Comforted by the aura that the baby emanated. It almost felt like taicho's reiatsu and a small hint of that warmth from Momo-chan...yet somehow it comes together to form something completely different; an individual.
Becoming solemn once again as she stared at her friend's unconscious face.
Come home taicho. Your family is waiting…
...
...
"Ha...? Rangiku-san is that you?"
The lieutenant almost fell off the chair. "Wha –Hime-chan?"
They both squealed. "Oh my! How I've missed you!"
It was hard embracing like this; barely can they wrap their arms around each other with these large 'obstacles' in the way.
Both had finally sobered up from the joy of being reunited and Matsumoto was drying happy tears when she finally asked,
"Hime-chan, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I'm here almost every day. Just in the mornings for two hours since I have to get back before school starts." Though it's summer vacation for the rest of the students back in Karakura, it's summer school for the ones that missed a couple weeks of class to help save the world.
"Two hours doing what?"
"Eto...healing Momo-chan."
"I see..." As she watched Inoue summon her Sōten Kisshun barrier around Hinamori. It was quiet for a while...
"How've you been Rangiku-san?" Orihime asked, her voice wary.
"I'm a mess. If you couldn't already tell. And you?"
"I'm okay…but Ichigo have been extra protective lately, he acts like I'm going to disappear with the slightest breeze." Somewhat changing the course of the conversation to make light of things.
The sun was just beginning to light the horizon as Matsumoto now had her arms crossed staring blankly out the window. "How is he taking it? With his powers dwindling and all?"
"At first I thought he'd take it hard but he seems to go along with it pretty well. I mean, it's still there but he just needs to use it with caution. And Ichigo is the last person to be cautious about anything." Rolling her eyes.
Rangiku smiled, looking towards Orihime. "At least you two still have each other. That makes quite a difference ne?"
The fukutaicho's words were a trigger to brim Inoue's eyes with bereaved tears as she now focused her attention on strengthening the healing barrier, trying hard not to cry. It was futile for her bottom lip started to quiver.
"Hai...she's beautiful even in sleep, isn't she Rangiku-san?"
The older girl agreed and nodded. "Yes, she is. Even in sleep."
...
...
A few weeks later.
Matsumoto was on the grassy fields behind the 5th Division training grounds with a pen and paper in hand. "Tsk. Stupid Renji, can't even help me out." Referring to Abarai's refusal when Rangiku asked for help on what to name the baby.
I mean, as a male and as Momo's captain I thought it appropriate to ask for his input. But no, the idiot was flabbergasted. Said it wasn't his place. Damn... now I'm here drawing up a blank. So far she only has five written down.
"You're hard to find Matsumoto-fukutaicho."
"And you're hard to hide from." Without breaking from her task of listing down boy names. Crossing out the name Gin from her list.
"My, my Rangi-chan. Your taicho's icy reiatsu sure rubbed off on ya." Falsely hissing, like she just cut him with a knife.
"Tsk. What do you want Gin?"
"Tell me what's got your face in a crunch, and I'll tell ya why I'm here."
"I really don't care what you're up to these days...I never did."
"I'll tell ya anyway. I'm a free man now –well, sort of. See?" Showing her his black shinigami attire . "Although I have a couple of missions to do before it's official." They had to use a machine to infiltrate his mind and indeed found that his true intent and sole purpose was to kill Aizen. The process took six months before they really deemed him innocent, though not on all charges. Hence, the ankle brace still in effect.
"That's great, Gin. I really am glad for you." Also noticing that they gave him his deadly zanpakuto back. "So which division are they going to assign you in?"
"The 3rd, ironically enough. Fourth seat."
"Hm. Touché." A small satisfied smile tugged on her alluring lips.
"So ya really not gonna tell me huh?"
Rangiku sighed. "Unohana-taicho said that Momo's baby will be due out in four months or sooner. And being that they haven't given it a name before she...fell into a coma, I took over the responsibility in case taicho doesn't return on time."
"I see..."
"Do you really, Gin? Did you not just stand there and watch the whole fucking thing go down?"
"I had to keep appearances. I–"
"Spare me the details. Please."
"Then why stand before them and attest to my innocence, Rangiku, if you still think me a criminal?"
She composed herself and shook her head. "You're not a criminal, Gin. I just thought you could have tried to stop some of it from happening... but what's done is done." Angry at herself for losing it in front of him.
"You seem to forget that I was under his spell too. I didn't know it was Hinamori–"
"It's fine, Gin. What's done is done. No use in trying to make sense of it. Goodluck in your missions." Quickly standing and adjusting her pink scarf. "I'll see you later."
"Later." He said with a frown while he watched her leave. Starting to hate the fact that he's always facing her back. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful view…
Ichimaru remained just standing there until she disappeared from his sight. Determined and a little excited as he heads out to his first 'mission' since imprisonment, and not caring that it would involve violating his current probationary status.
...
(A/N: Storm by Lifehouse for this part. Youtube it with lyrics. It's the perfect song. )... :(
...
...
It was a scene from their honeymoon during their late night walks on the beach. Quietly sitting side by side on the soft white sands by the shore. She was hugging her knees as she glanced up at the moon; looking so peaceful and ethereal. Like she always does in these dreams...
"Momo."
"Hmm?" She acknowledged without looking away.
"I need you here."
"I am here."
"I can't feel you anymore."
She slowly turned and touched his face. "Shiro-chan."
Frustrated and falling deeper into despair Toushiro bowed his head. "Tch. I can't feel you...at all."
This is when he would usually wake up, when his heart starts to constrict. Much too aware that she only exist in his dreams.
Restless lids open to reveal aquamarine eyes, his pupils immediately shrink as he squints towards the source of the bright light.
He fell asleep gazing at the stars again outside the dilapidated front porch, lacking a proper shade to hide from the scorching rays of the late afternoon sun. He was lying flat on his back; shirtless, barefoot and with jeans worn down to its lightest shade of blue. One of his legs hung down since he slept close to the edge of the porch.
Hitsugaya swallowed and regretted it right after for his throat was parched as the dry, cracked land; neglected by the nurture of rain. He instinctively grabbed the bottle of whiskey close to his reach and cursed to find it empty, tossing it away as it landed with a thud on the dust encrusted ground. He then swung his leg up as he now sat, burying his face into his hands. Oblivious to the painful beat of the sun against his scarred and naked back.
He welcomed it. For it felt like her reiatsu, punishing him as he rightly deserved. The reason why he was drawn to the place; finding false comfort in this heat.
All the physical pain he can pretty much handle but it's the emotional part he can't seem to cope with, and that's where the alcohol comes into play –dulling his senses. Not so much as numbing it from the misery and the guilt, but it's these dreams that he tends to have that involves a livelier version of his wife. To see her walk, to hear her laugh, and see her eyes open...he couldn't wait to sleep. He couldn't wait to see her.
And it's becoming quite an addiction, though the aftermath wasn't something he looks forward to as he started massaging his now pounding head.
Fucking hell. What day is it today….
There would be nights, however, when his guilt overwhelms him and he can't sleep. Those were the nights when he finds himself looking for other distractions...
"I tell ya what, if it weren't for that white hair of yours, it would've taken me another month to find ya." A black cloaked figure was leaning against the front door of the broken-down house.
Toushiro swiftly moved onto his feet despite his befuddled state. He was crouched low with his hand already in his pocket, the gikongan pill in his grasp. Every fiber in his being instinctively recognized this man as the enemy.
"Ichimaru."
"Quite an environment ya picked for yourself here, Hitsugaya-taicho..." Squinting up at a couple of vultures hovering above.
"The fuck you doing here?" And how did he find me?
"Good practice scheme for an ice-type zanpakuto. Limiting your resources, I see, in turn drastically increasing your power when you return to Soul Society." Unfazed by the glower that the younger man directed towards him.
"You know damn well that you didn't come here just to commend me. Quit wasting my time and get to the point!" Swallowing the pill and immediately unsheathing Hyourinmaru. His gigai falling limply on the floor –passed out drunk.
Gin, serious now, faced the boy. "You speak of wasting time as if you're doing something worthwhile in this desolate crime-infested town." Eyeing the bullet scars on the gigai's bare back. "The White Demon they call you. Some sort of a hero; a mercenary. Fighting battles that aren't meant for you to fight. Meanwhile, your wife and child struggling just to make it another day. Indeed, for they're the ones wasting their precious time. Wasting it waiting on you."
He got the perfect reply when Toushiro's guttural shout filled the air. Ichimaru unsheathed Shinso just in time to block the fatal blow. The sharp clang echoed...
"Alas. Our swords meet again Hitsugaya-taicho." As an onslaught of metal-clashing sounds pierced the skies; their movements too fast for even a shinigami to detect.
"What's your purpose here?"
"You didn't figure it out yet? Hmm...if I remembered correctly, you use to be much shorter and a lot smarter from last we exchanged words." Taunted the former taicho, earning him a kick in the face. He had to immediately leave his cornered position as Hitsugaya was becoming more aggressive with his attacks.
"And I remembered you to be much quicker, old man."
Gin was a little breathless while he spat the blood from his mouth, and smirked. "My, My taicho...you realize you're at a disadvantage right? Hardly is there any moisture in the air, rendering your mere shikai useless."
"If you had come here to kill me, then you would have done so already. Summoning my shikai would be a wasted effort for I apparently have no reason to defend my life."
"You speak as if it would be easy to kill ya..." Ichimaru smiled wickedly, "I can also recall you being more confident."
"Ah. I just happen to know that you're a fucking cheat. You could have easily stabbed me in the back if you were so inclined." Toushiro sheathed his sword and leaned on what's left of the porch's scaffoldings, controlling his thinning patience for he had to repeat himself thrice. Also taking into consideration that Ichimaru's reiatsu seemed dull, lacking its usual excitement to harass. "So you aren't here to kill me...then what is it?"
"Go home."
"…"
"Hinamori is not dead and you know it. You didn't kill her."
"Speak with caution Ichimaru, for her name to come out of your mouth is blasphemy." His voice menacingly low while his hand reaching behind his right shoulder once again.
Gin shrugged. "I just thought someone needed to simply jog it into that block of ice there, that you call a head. Stop beating yourself up. Stop wasting time and go home. Hinamori isn't dead. The 12th division repaired–"
"Enough!" As the sharp edge of Hyourinmaru's blade a hair's breadth away from Gin's neck, backing him against a scaffolding. Though the captain's eyes looked uncertain now –in a conflict with himself. Not sure if whether to listen to this snake or not. "Tell me the real reason why you're here." Leaving no room to doubt the threat in his tone.
And Toushiro was abruptly taken aback to see the actual color of the man's eyes, as Ichimaru looked blankly ahead unfazed by the sword pointed at his throat.
"It's quite funny actually...for I never once fathom that I'd make it alive after the war with all the bridges I've burnt. Everything I did was to avenge her; for what Aizen did to her. And I didn't just fail –I failed miserably. Yet...she still saved me. Carried me on her back when I was left for dead…" His expression seemed pained at the realization. "So really, I haven't done anything for her except abandon her without a reason as to why I did."
He sobered up from his introspection and chuckled. "Dont worry, I won't let you repeat it again, taicho. For the reason I'm here is because of Rangiku. I owe her this. Her happiness. You coming home to your wife and child. You're her family." Gin then faced the captain and with all his sincerity he said, "And I thank you, for being there when I wasn't."
The cold blade slowly withdrew its aim from his throat as the vultures' mournful squawk filled the silence that followed.
"You're right you know; I am the enemy. I'm a liar and a cheat. I became all those things to avenge her...and for what? So I can just fail and die in vain? Or stand here knowing that the only person in this world that I cared about will never trust me again? ...I got so lost in that treacherous game of revenge and power...so fucking stupid..." He slowly shook his head, disgusted with himself. And with his gaze focused on the floor he continued,
"Leaving her was the most selfish act I have ever done, so sure of myself thinking I alone can defeat Aizen. My foolish pride blinded me from seeing what was really important... " Gin was so lost in his thoughts.
"An...and that is?" Toushiro couldn't stop himself from asking.
The former captain smiled, though bereft of humor. "To be there for her –right beside her. And fight the battles together."
It was quiet once again, as the truth in his words sunk in.
"And with that being said, as you wallow here and drown in this sandpit of guilt, I ask you this Hitsugaya-taicho: what makes you any different from me?"
…...
A/N: Please review.