Unspoken Feelings
A/N: Good evening, everybody! I was editing this one down to the wire. It was being an uncooperative brat, but I guess that's my fault. I'm going to admit it… I've been playing the Sims 3 relentlessly the past week. I just couldn't put it down, and if this chapter hadn't already been written, I would have been extremely late getting it out! Thankfully, I put my Responsibility Hat on and finished up like I was supposed to. As of late I'm my own editor, so if you notice any issues, let me know and they will be fixed as quickly as possible! (Just like Carrie Underwood and Shania Twain).
-Andi
Chapter Five: RevelationsAs Sookie awoke once again in Pam's bed, she rolled over to see Pam still dead to the world. She gazed nervously at her sleeping friend. What if Eric's right and Pam gets upset that he and I kissed? She watched and fretted at the idea.
Suddenly, big blue eyes blinked at her, and Pam's face smiled brightly in morning greeting. "Hey there," she waved as she stretched beneath the covers. "Did you sleep alright?" Sookie nodded, but the truth was, she had slept terribly. First, she had been kept awake by the giddiness of her first kiss. Then she had been unable to sleep once she started worrying about how her changed circumstances with Eric would affect her friendship with Pam.
It was one of those times that life became far more complicated than it needed to be.
Pam finally sat up in bed, and Sookie followed suit, walking on the sides of her feet as her friend went into her closet. "I think you'd look super cute in one of my skirts or dresses," Pam smiled at her as she found a nice blue dress that surprised Sookie. The gown was made of cotton and had a subtle pattern in a slightly darker shade of blue. It was not a style that screamed, PAM'S WARDROBE!
Her friend seemed to notice Sookie's surprise because she laughed and explained, "When my brothers told me we would be moving to Louisiana and not the New Orleans part of Louisiana, I added a bunch of Southern Belle items to my closet." Pam looked at her collection annoyedly. "I quickly realized I'm no Southern Belle. They make me look even colder than I mean to be while simultaneously taking the edge out of my statements. That does not work for me at all," Pam told Sookie. "You can have all of them if you want." Sookie shook her head a bit too energetically. She wanted the dresses, but what would her Gran think if she accepted them? "Oh well," Pam sighed as she finally handed the dress over, "you can at least wear this one today instead of what you wore over here before the dance."
"Thank you," Sookie smiled as she took the dress to the bathroom. She found her bra from yesterday, but realized that the idea of wearing yesterday's panties was just disgusting! Opting to go commando caused Sookie to experience a brief flash of awkwardness. She stepped out of the bathroom in the borrowed dress, and Pam gave a wolf whistle that about made her cheeks burst into flames.
"Wow," Pam circled her like a large cat that was ready to pounce, "I could just eat you up!"
Sookie felt faint. Is Pam checking me out for real? She wondered. No, you're just self-conscious because you have no panties on!
"Ready for breakfast?" Pam asked, taking her hand. "I think Godric's already cooking!" Sookie didn't allow Pam to pull her from the room, and her friend looked back curiously. "What is it?"
Looking around, Sookie hobbled to her book bag and took out her notebook. Pam watched as Sookie wrote down her explanation, and then took it from her when it was hesitantly handed over.
"I woke up last night and hung out with Eric for a bit. We kissed."
Sookie stood nervously, her throat tight like whenever a syllable tried to sneak its way past her lips. Pam stared a long time at the short note, and the longer she stared, the more Sookie worried that Eric had been right. The change in their interests toward each other was about to ruin her first friendship in eight years!
"Then… You like him?" choked Pam. Sookie nodded slowly, her eyes big and apologetic. "Are we not going to hang out as much then?"
Sookie took her notebook back and wrote so quickly that her ordinarily beautiful script was much more rugged.
"I don't want it to affect our relationship at all! I know it might not be something I can prevent all the time, but you're my best friend. If you told me right now you didn't want me to date your brother; I would stop things this instance!"
"I don't want that," Pam shook her head. "I want you to be happy. If Eric could make you happy, then I'll try not to get in the way of that."
Sookie smiled and wrote a bit more calmly, "Thank you. And I'll try not to let Eric get between you and I. You make me happy too, Pam. Just because Eric will give me kisses doesn't mean I don't appreciate and want your hugs! I like Eric, but I already love you."
Pam felt like she'd just been shot straight through the heart. It was no arrow plucked at her by Cupid, either. No, this felt like a homicidal maniac and held a magnum to her chest and pulled the trigger. Her heart immediately exploded at the impact. She'd had her heart broken, and she wasn't sure it would ever pull itself back together. Her brothers had been right, she could love Sookie all she wanted, but Sookie would never return it the way she desired.
Instead of fixating, Pam took Sookie's hand and led her silently out of the bedroom in hopes of a reprieve from her desolation. They made it to the kitchen as Godric flipped another pancake from the stove onto a steadily growing plate.
"Morning, girls!" Godric greeted pleasantly as Eric drowsily got the coffee maker going.
"Morning. What's with the pancakes?" Pam asked curiously.
Godric shrugged, "I don't know. There was a note on my door this morning asking for pancakes for breakfast. We haven't had them in a while, so I decided to go with it."
"That's because they're full of carbs and totally against my diet!" Pam snarled.
"I'll make you some eggs," Godric sighed as he poured some batter into the pan and then went to the fridge to get more eggs.
Pam settled into her chair as Eric nearly fell asleep standing in front of the coffee pot. Sookie squirmed as she sat down. Do panties make this big of a difference? She wondered as her face turned crimson once again. Shifting her weight, she tried to banish the thought that everyone knew she was sans underwear.
"Are you feeling alright, Sookie?" Godric asked as he turned and saw her red face. "You look like you're burning up."
Sookie shook her head and fanned herself as if trying to say the kitchen was too hot.
"Sookie's probably burning up because she's in the same room as Eric," Pam taunted, making Sookie look at her friend in surprise and simultaneously cause Eric to jump as well. He glanced at Pam with hesitation and wondered just how willing she would be to gloss over the topic.
"What?" Godric spun around and looked at the three of them worriedly.
"Eric stole Sookie's first kiss last night," Pam sing-songed teasingly making her brother and best friend squirm uncomfortably. It was obvious to Eric that this playful exchange was not going to end well for him. Pam's flippant acknowledgment of the relationship was not fooling Eric at all. After so many years together, Pam knew how to play her brothers, and she was playing Godric like a fiddle.
"She's too young for you," Godric snapped at his brother, confirming Eric's concerns. Sookie protested by holding up two fingers, pointing out that there was not even a two-year gap between them. "Trust me Sookie, he's older in other ways," Godric growled.
Eric's face tightened angrily, plummeting unexpectedly into Pam's trap, "She doesn't need to know about that just yet!"
"Eric was a man whore," Pam added offhandedly in that same pleasant voice that made Eric rightfully suspicious. Sookie looked at Eric in surprise before she took a calming breath. He was looking at her with a pleading gaze. He was almost begging her with his eyes not to let his siblings' words destroy her image of him.
Finally, Sookie mouthed, "So?" Eric relaxed, but Godric seemed irritated.
"He'll just break your heart, Sookie," Godric warned, not wanting to see a sweet girl like Sookie endure his brother's clumsy attempts at a relationship. Even if Eric was serious about Sookie, Godric doubted his younger sibling could manage to change his motivations so entirely. "He's not old enough to be settled down yet. Believe me."
"Who do you think you are acting like you know me so well?" Eric snarled at his brother. "I can change!" Godric looked at Eric skeptically. "For her, I would change!"
"And when you go to college next year?" Godric pointed out. "When a bunch of girls you haven't slept with are surrounding you, and Sookie's not nearby to remind you why you aren't sleeping with them?"
"We've known each other for two months," Eric complained. "Why are you acting like we need to have all the answers this second!?"
"Because she's your sister's friend, and you could ruin that for her," Godric replied impatiently.
Sookie's gut ached at the argument before her. Not only did it scare her to know that she had caused it, but it hurt. It hurt because she was no longer part of the room. She had disappeared into the scenery and become just as invisible as she was silent. Without any problem, she managed to slip from her barstool, leave the room and hobble out the front door to put on her sneakers from yesterday. Even with her feet blistered and aching, she made it home without anyone intervening.
"Hey, Sook!" Jason greeted as his sister came through the kitchen door. "That's a cute dress. Is it Pam's?" His sister's face crumpled at the question, and a harsh sob choked at her throat. "Whoa!" Jason stood up and wrapped his arms around her. True, he was still getting used to being a big brother to her again, but even he couldn't deny that something had gone wrong. "What happened?"
Sookie pushed away at her tears and looked for a pad of paper, remembering that she'd left her book bag in Pam's room. She grabbed the blank scraps by the phone and quickly scrawled, "Eric and I kissed and now everyone's fighting! I ruined things again!"
Jason read the note and pulled his sister back into his arms. "You didn't ruin nothing. You never did." His sister cried harder. "Mom and dad weren't your fault, and neither is this."
"Mm," Sookie choked, and Jason felt his heart echo with a pang of sadness. Crying. Every syllable he'd heard from his sister in eight years had been while she cried.
"But nothing," Jason finished for her as he stroked her hair. "I'm sorry I made you feel like it was your fault. I'm sorry I didn't just let my anger out like I shoulda. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I prayed you'd never speak again. I want to hear you so bad right now. I want you to be able to cry-talk at me," Jason began to sob into her hair as eight years of pent-up emotions finally clawed their way to the surface.
"What in heaven's name is going on in here?" Adele demanded as she stormed into the kitchen. "Jason Corbett Stackhouse, what have you done to your sister this time?" When she saw that Jason was crying too, she froze in wonderment. "What is going on in here?"
Jason pulled away to wipe away his tears and looked to their grandmother, "Sookie had her first kiss."
Adele's face lit up. "With Eric?" she asked excitedly. Sookie nodded and wiped at her own eyes. "Then why are the two of you crying?"
"I guess it stirred things up at the Northman house," Jason explained. "Sookie thought it was her fault. I was just trying to tell her it wasn't."
Adele frowned, "Because of your friendship with Pam? Are they worried about that?" Sookie nodded. She couldn't stand to confess that it had more to do with Eric's previous relationships with women that ignited the fight. "Well, you shouldn't let a little sibling squabbling hurt your feelings. Siblings know the best and the worst about each other," Adele told them. "Although, I feel terrible for Eric. Siblings should bicker amongst themselves, not company."
Sookie looked gloomily at her hands. Maybe they did feel they were arguing among themselves.
"What's wrong, Dear?" Adele pressed as she sat the three of them around the kitchen table.
Pushing away a fresh tear, Sookie took up the paper and pen again. "It made me feel like they forgot I was there at all. It was the first time they ever made me feel like I'd disappeared. I got up and walked out of the house in the middle of the fight, and no one noticed." Jason's hand was back at her scalp, petting it soothingly.
"You have a unique circumstance, Sookie," Adele told her. "I'm not saying that I feel particularly proud that the Northmans would have such a spat in front of a guest, but I know that you do a terrific job of making yourself as unobtrusive as possible when you're uncomfortable. If they were truly baring their fangs at each other, I'd think they could have easily overlooked any one of us." Adele gazed sadly at her granddaughter. "I know that doesn't make you feel any better, though."
Sookie set her forehead against the table as she let more tears leak from her eyes. She startled when a knock came at the door, but Jason patted her back. "I got this."
Jason went to the front of the house and opened the door to see Eric Northman standing nervously on his porch holding Sookie's book bag. As quickly as possible, he swung the storm door open so that Eric had to jump back to avoid being struck by it.
"Somebody there?" Jason called, looking past Eric and out to the hill. Eric looked at him curiously.
"Uh, Stackhouse?" Eric's brow drew together.
"That's weird. Coulda swore I heard a knock," Jason grumbled as he closed the door and stepped back inside.
Eric stared at the door in annoyed realization before he knocked again. It's not like I meant to ignore her! He thought frustratedly. Once more, Jason flung the door open like he was trying to hit Eric with it, and looked around again as if he couldn't even see the other man. Before Jason could close the door once more, however, Eric caught it and shoved his way through. "Oh, get the fuck out of the way!" he snapped as he shouldered past Jason and headed for the kitchen.
"Eric Northman! You watch your language in my house!" Adele harped as she heard the exchange.
"I'm sorry, but it's difficult to come apologize when you can't even get into the house," Eric grumbled as he placed Sookie's bag on the table.
"You coulda called," Jason pointed out. "Sookie might not be able to talk, but she can listen, and that's all she'd need to do, right?"
"I'm sorry!" Eric flung his hands out. "I'm sorry my family drudged up ancient history. I'm sorry that I got around while we jumped from airbase to airbase. I'm sorry that I wasn't ready to plan out the rest of my life over breakfast after a first kiss!" he rattled out in frustration. "I don't know the first thing about relationships, Sookie. I really don't. I do know that you are the first girl I've ever known who gave a shit about anything other than how I look. My father didn't give enough of a fuck about what I wanted to do with my life, but you make me feel like a person. Not a number, not a face, but an actual person. I'm sorry that I made you feel less than any of that this morning. No matter how my brother and sister were making me feel, I shouldn't have left you by yourself. They were attacking me, not you. They were trying to protect you from me. I'm a selfish, terrible person. They know it. I know it, and now you do too."
Sookie looked up at Eric as she contemplated his words. He was so self-assured, handsome, and fearless compared to anyone else that she knew. If she hadn't been shown these insecure sides the previous night, she might have thought he was trying to trick her into some false sense of kinship. Thankfully, she knew that in some ways he was just as lost as her; not nearly as damaged, but lost none-the-less.
"If anyone knows what it's like not to be perfect; it's me," Sookie told him as she held up the notepad for him to see. "Let's find out if the things we've gotten right can fill in what we're missing for each other."
Eric smiled, leaned down and took the pen from her. She watched as his hand simply wrote, "Let's."
{†}
Pam curled up on her bed tiredly. There was nothing quite so exhausting as feeling sorry for yourself.
They all warned me she was straight, Pam thought as she hugged her pillow closer to her face. Even with that knowledge, though, it didn't ease the heartache. For a moment longer, she wished she could pretend that she and Sookie could have been more. Just a few more weeks, another month if some higher power felt she deserved it, and she might not feel like her heart was breaking. Or maybe it would hurt even worse, she considered sadly.
She wasn't mad, that much she knew to be true. It wasn't fair to be angry at Sookie for being straight, and she was only really annoyed with Eric. Part of Pam felt indignant that Eric moved forward despite knowing his sister's feelings, but another half of her understood why her brother had been unable to resist.
To be honest with herself, Pam was scared. She was scared that her idiot brother would do something stupid and make Sookie stop wanting to spend time with her. Pam grew accustomed to being alone, starting over, and losing friends. However, this time, there wasn't a restart button to hit. Her life wouldn't begin anew at the next airbase. She would be in Bon Temps for the next three years. At some point, the three of them would decide who kept Rosenfont Hall, but that wouldn't happen until they had all completed college. That was a rule in their mother's will regarding their inheritance. Each of them had to receive no less than a four-year degree before they could be given their money. It had been Alice Northman's way of telling them to stay together and to support one another. And to study. That was what their mother cared about were her children and their education.
A knock at her door made Pam sit up in bed. "Yeah?" she called.
"It's Godric," her brother called carefully. "May I come in?"
"Sure," she sighed, flopping back onto her bed.
"How are you holding up?" asked Godric.
Pam shrugged. "Fine, I guess. As long as Eric doesn't ruin my friendship, I'll be good."
Godric came to sit on the corner of her bed, "I'm worried about that too. I just don't know how Sookie could handle the stress of our brother. She has so many other things to deal with."
Turning onto her other side to face her sibling, Pam asked, "What do you mean?"
He shrugged, "Well since my semester doesn't start until January, I've just been exploring my psychology books on my own. Sookie's told us that the doctors agree that there's no physical reason she shouldn't be able to speak. That makes me feel that her problem might be a subconscious resistance to speaking. Like she feels that she shouldn't be allowed to speak."
Pam snorted, "If that were the case, why would she write anything other than what others directly asked?" Godric frowned thoughtfully. "That's the problem with Psych majors, you read a few big words and think you know someone inside and out. You've hardly spent as much time with Sookie as Eric or me. I won't say that you might not be on the right track. I don't know. We've all only known each other a couple months."
Godric smiled in embarrassment, "I guess I was jumping the gun on my diagnosis."
"Hey, you're only going to be a Junior next year," Pam nudged him with her foot. "You're hardly a full-blown psychologist. After this morning, obviously, neither of us are."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Godric asked curiously.
"We shouldn't have ganged up on Eric like that. Especially not in front of Sookie," Pam mumbled with gloomy reflection.
"She should know what she's getting into," Godric protested.
"She should," Pam agreed, "but not like that. We weren't fair to either of them. I was… still a little bitter, and you. I don't know what got your back up."
"I've seen the way Eric is with girls in a way that you haven't," Godric told her. "Even if you think I don't know her well at all, I at least know that she's a sweet girl. I don't think she deserves to be treated that way."
Pam thought about that a moment before asking tentatively, "But have you ever seen him interested in a girl like Sookie? Not just the physical. She's gorgeous. I'd bang her," Pam pointed out. "I mean the temperament. Most of the girls Eric hooked up with were bitches."
"That's what worries me," Godric moaned, ignoring the fact that Pam apparently had more knowledge about Eric's conquests than he first thought. "How could he possibly know how to treat such an introverted girl? He's an extrovert. He's only ever dated extroverts-"
"Eric is not an extrovert," Pam snorted.
"What are you talking about? He's cocky, boisterous-"
"Eric hates being in the spotlight; it just usually gets shined on him. Just because he's not socially awkward doesn't mean that he's someone hunting for the limelight! Honestly, I think most of that boasting is an attempt to get people to stop wanting to be around him."
Godric stared at his sister in surprise. He hadn't expected her to come to Eric's defense so quickly. He also hadn't expected Pam to be so aware of their middle brother's habits and personality. However, his plan to ease Pam's concerns by forcing her to reflect on Eric's true nature was worth sounding like an ignorant prick. Though he was still certain that Eric wasn't ready for a relationship as complicated as one with Sookie Stackhouse, the conversation was easing some of his own worries, too.
"I guess I don't know my brother very well," Godric sighed dramatically. "Or my sister, for that matter."
Pam gave her brother another nudge with her toe, "You know us just fine, it's just that school's got you thinking too much with your head and not enough with your heart. Maybe this semester off will be good for you."
"Hopefully. LSU- Shreveport has a decent psychology program, so I'm not too worried about it," Godric commented, amused to know that Pam was all too happy to let go of her frustration with Eric in exchange for proving her oldest brother wrong.
"I'm sorry you didn't get to stay in NYU," Pam whispered. "I know leaving New York hit you almost as hard as it hit me."
Godric shrugged, "We had to do what we had to do. With the terms of Mom's will, we didn't have much choice. Besides, in the short amount of time we've been here, I've found that I'm grateful to be here."
"Me too… But you already told Eric if he gets accepted to UNO, you won't stop him from going. Why are you letting him go there, but you're stuck here?" Pam wondered.
Her older brother smiled sadly, "Because I'm grateful that Eric finally understands he's not obligated to join the military. I don't know if he'll stick with accounting, but at least he's finally thinking about what he wants instead of what's expected of him. Also, New Orleans is only a five-hour drive. He can come back here whenever he wants."
"Five hours is forever," Pam moped. "If he and Sookie stay together, they'll never see each other."
Godric flopped back onto Pam's bed and stared at the ceiling. He had the same exact concerns, but he was determined not to stick his nose into any of it like he had that morning. "I guess they'll have to work that out for themselves."
"I guess," Pam agreed reluctantly.
{†}
"Would you go for a walk with me?" Eric asked as he finished the breakfast Adele had provided him. "I mean if you don't have to rush off to church?" He glanced at the Stackhouse family.
"I told them we'd go to evening service today so they could sleep in after the dance," Adele explained as she cleared his plate. "Just have her back before five if you two go out."
"Sookie? Do you want to go?" he asked the girl again.
Sookie still seemed a bit down from the morning's experience. She pointed at her feet, and Eric groaned. He'd forgotten she had blisters from the previous night. They're probably throbbing from walking home, too, he thought bitterly of himself. "Right… Then what about a drive?" he offered, making Sookie nod her head slowly.
"Okay," Sookie told him as her eyes still seemed cautious.
"Are you sure?" Eric asked in concern as she grabbed her notebook and pen from the book bag he'd returned to her. She nodded. "… Okay." Eric placed his hand around her waist, and she wanted to tell him that a couple of blisters weren't a big deal, she just wasn't up for recreational walking.
As politely as last night, Eric opened the passenger door for her and held onto her hand as she lowered herself into the seat. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he smiled as he closed her door and ran around to his side. "I'm sorry about earlier," he apologized again. "We aren't usually so vicious to one another." He bowed his head thoughtfully, "I think it was because they thought they needed to protect you from me."
Sookie placed her hand lightly on his forearm. She wished she could tell him that his past was concerning, but that she was more than willing to let him try. Admittedly, it was scary to date someone who had so many varied experiences from her, but that wasn't the part that put her on edge. It was that he seemed to find women disposable. There was always the trope of not having encountered the right woman, but Sookie considered the idea to be a work of fiction.
Eric glanced at the fingertips barely caressing his forearm. He could feel Sookie's assurances, but also her hesitation.
"Do you want to know, Sookie?" Eric asked as they bounced from her driveway to the country road that was mostly potholes. When her touch hesitated to leave, he elaborated, "Do you want to know my past from my own mouth?" He could see her nod out of the corner of his eye. "All right, but let me find a spot to pull over, and we'll talk about it."
Sookie felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up. In the time they had known each other, Sookie held felt their relationship had been one of acquaintance rather than friendship. She had spent most of her time with Pam, really only interacting with Eric during the drive to and from school and afternoon tea! She couldn't deny that she was attracted to him from the beginning, but she quickly understood why Eric was so frustrated. In her opinion, Godric and Pam had put more pressure on the pair of them than Eric's past ever could.
Before Sookie could find a way to tell him she didn't need to know a thing, Eric had pulled up alongside the lake they had fished at not too long ago. "It's the only place I know yet," Eric chuckled as he let his Acura roll along the edge of the road until he was out of the way of traffic. "So, I guess it's easier to begin at the beginning," Eric started nervously.
"The first girl I had sex with was when I was fourteen," he told her point blank. "She was a year older than me. She was my friend's older sister, and I'd always thought she was pretty. There was nothing sexy or romantic about it. Mostly it was two kids who had no idea what they were doing except what they figured out from movies and stuff."
Sookie felt her forehead erupt into a sweat, not just because of the story, but because Eric was staring her straight in the eyes. He refused to break eye contact as he analyzed every expression on her face.
"We weren't in love. I guess we just found each other to be the right kind of familiar. She felt safe. We had sex three times before I moved to the next airbase," he finished.
Sookie took out her notebook and asked, "Do you remember her name?"
Eric laughed, "Yes, I remember her name. I remember all their names. First and last."
"How many?" she wrote out next.
Sookie frowned as Eric had to pause and count, "Twelve, but I did make out with and mess around with more than that. I'll be honest; I don't know all of those girls. Sometimes shit happened at parties, but I didn't have sex with anyone I didn't know for at least a little while. I guess, if… you know an accident happened, I wanted to know who that person was and when it happened. I always wore a condom though, and Godric's had me tested, probably more times than I needed. The last time I slept with anyone was after we found out about Mom's cancer. It's been long enough that if any Eric Juniors were running around, I should have known about it by now."
"Why did you stop?" Sookie wondered.
Eric flinched a bit, "Well when mom got sick; I stopped hopping from girl to girl. It was a hard time, and I didn't want to be with anyone. I guess some people want to connect with others during tough times, but it made me even sadder. It made me sick to my stomach that I could be spending time with my mom instead of some girl. So, that's what I did. If I wasn't asleep or at school, I was with Mom."
Sookie smiled at him gently and took his hand to give it a comforting squeeze.
"I was never with a girl that I cared about, Sookie. Girls are drawn to me, but it never felt like they wanted me for the right reasons. So, instead, they became something to pass the time between hopping to the next base. I'm not trying to make an excuse for avoiding heartbreak by keeping things superficial. I'm not trying to say that I think girls are disposable either. It's just, most of the twelve didn't care about me either. There was probably only two that I broke the hearts of, and it was more than likely because it was their first time and not because it was me. I was always honest about why I would sleep with them. I never pretended to be in love, or sometimes even care. Some might have thought they could change my mind if they stuck around. I don't know. I guess either way you slice it; it sounds pretty shitty."
Sookie thought for a moment before taking up her pen, "It sounds sad, for all of you, but I guess it's better than if you led those girls on with some promise or false emotion. I don't understand it, but that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that you understand that I do want your heart, and I don't want empty kisses."
Eric considered the girl's circumstances, "I don't think it's possible to give you anything empty. I'm always thinking about you, so I don't think our kisses could ever be meaningless."
"What do you mean?"
"Well," Eric contemplated, "last night the first time I kissed you was because you made me feel real. I hadn't felt like that for so long. So I guess it was a grateful kiss. The second time I kissed you, it was because it felt so good the first time that I needed another one before you left."
Sookie felt her lips tighten with the embarrassment of a repressed smile. He could tell that his response pleased her.
"If what you mean is you don't want kisses of obligation or pity, then you have nothing to worry about. Even right now there's a strong desire to kiss you. That's the emotion too. Desire. But, I don't have any intention of sleeping with you for quite a while. Even if we both want it," Eric looked away from her curious gaze. The relief, but disappointment he saw there was almost too much. "I don't know about you, but I got a lot to work through, and I feel like you're the person I want with me to work through it. Sex makes things messy and complicated."
Sookie nodded slowly in agreement, but she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. "Okay," she mouthed.
"I'd like it if we got through some milestones and hurdles together before we bring that into it," Eric suggested. "Maybe we could wait and see where we are after I start college? If we can make it through that, then I think we can make anything work."
"You won't sleep with anyone for another year?" Sookie asked in surprise.
Eric shrugged, "There's plenty of things to do in college other than girls, Sookie. Besides, I haven't been with a girl for about eleven months now already."
All Sookie could think about was how bad of a mood Jason got in when he didn't get a hook up for an extended period. A dry spell, he'd call it. Of course, she wasn't supposed to know about that, but being silent sometimes made students talk more freely around her. It was almost like reading minds because people would share things within earshot of her because they would forget that being silent didn't also mean she was deaf.
"You seem doubtful," Eric laughed.
"It seems like you're putting more of a strain on yourself than me," Sookie agreed.
Eric smiled a bit to himself, "I don't know about that... But, the real thing is, if I fuck up, I couldn't stand myself if I broke your heart and took something else I couldn't give back. I can live with a lot of things, but that seems worse than all of it," he confessed softly.
Sookie stared at him as he told the real truth. A thrum in her heart cried out in appreciation. After all, a man as handsome as Eric Northman could have his pick of the litter, and to be assured that this hands-off policy was to protect her eased the blow to her self-esteem.
"Besides," Eric began anew, "just because I said we wouldn't have sex, doesn't mean I won't happily play with you when you ask." The look Eric gave her made Sookie's face burn. It wasn't embarrassment that caused her face to go red; not entirely at least. It was something in his smile that made her heart and stomach clench. There was a promise in that smile that said she would want him to touch her. There was a certainty that she would eventually find the celibacy challenging as well.
"May I kiss you when you look so damned cute that I feel overwhelmed?" Eric laughed at her flushed face and chuckled further at her dumbfounded nodding. "Good." He leaned in and captured her lips, his own still tight with a smile as they touched.
"You know," he said as he pulled away, "the way you keep your lips so tightly together is only making you even cuter."
Sookie let out a frustrated little huff.
"So, where shall we go on our first official date as boyfriend and girlfriend?"
The girl beside him twisted her neck to gawk wide-eyed.
"What? You don't want to be my girlfriend?" Eric teased.
Staggered by the sudden change in her world's order, Sookie could only stare. Just this morning Eric had lost his mind over being told he had to plan for the future. Now he was calling her his girlfriend and planning out the next year! Sookie held her head in her hands as she tried to absorb all that had transpired the past few hours. They'd shared their first kiss, had their first family induced drama, shared his less than spotless past, made plans for the future, and took a step to becoming an official couple. After seeing Eric jump so many hurdles in their budding romance, it made Sookie want to begin her own race to find out how many she could clear, too.
Gazing at Eric fondly, she thought about what had brought her down this intriguing line of introspection. Finally, with a smile on her lips, she wrote in her notebook, "Your girlfriend would like to go to the library."
"Your boyfriend would be happy to take you," Eric replied as he turned the engine of his car back on and headed to town.
TBC
A/N: PLEASE REMEMBER TO REVIEW!