Thanks to all who read and reviewed the last chapter. I apologise for a long chapter that tells us what we already know, but Jane of course doesn't hence the detail.

Harry's House

Approx 9.30pm

Initially numbed with shock Harry, when his vocal cords unfroze could only manage to muster a defeated, "So you did look in the bookcase."

It wasn't exactly a question and Jane, not one to lie unnecessarily, pleaded guilty by default, "And odd hints, the occasional phrase, pieces I slotted into a partially completed jigsaw.

Seeing the effect her words had created she half wished she'd just accepted the keys. Deep down though she knew that would have been wrong, a mistake, a loophole through he could have retreated back into the world of embedded secrecy that finally riven them asunder. Although she now appreciated the sterling efforts he'd made to keep his family safe the inescapable fact remained, his engrained professional remoteness had become the rock on which their increasingly lop sided marriage had finally foundered. While she'd hesitate to describe her present relationship with Harry as superficial a full understanding of the man's state of mind was currently obscured by a barrier etched with two words: Ruth Evershed. What she'd said to Malcolm in the chapel had been the heartfelt truth. If Harry couldn't bring himself to open up to her, and if she couldn't cope with whatever he was attempting to conceal then it was best for both of them that she walked, now.

Harry not only wore the look of one defeated, he seemed to be almost physically shaking as he replied,

"I can tell you but I don't want too," as her eyebrows drew together in a scowl he added, "When you really, finally know, what a cold hearted calculating bastard I am you'll walk away."

With his words regretfully stiffening her resolve she almost sighed, "And if you don't I'll still walk because even as a friend I simply can't cope with a rerun of the attitude that destroyed our marriage, and damn near destroyed me."

Her eyes might be glowing with sympathy, he looked so vulnerable, almost pleading to be let off a particularly vicious hook but the tone was implacable as she asked, in an effort to ease his discomfort, "Does it make it easier if I tell you what I've already worked out?"

Harry was swallowing convulsively as he faltered, a telling departure from his usual confident demeanour, "I don't know – but I do know that you will be horrified by the full disclosure."

Jane, having tried to help, was tiring of this prevarication – what exactly was so hard, after all he'd cajoled her into come clean about some very intimate details, ensuring the tart reply, "After the last fortnight don't be too sure about that."

Standing in his hallway the pair just stared at one another as the silence and uncertainty lengthened into a mutual despair, Harry desperate to avoid confession time; and Jane just as desperate not to be forced into making good her threat to leave if he didn't. Finally with a despondent shrug Harry cracked, "Very well I don't think I've got an alternative." Considering further he jerked his head,

"The kitchen I think, and one condition."

Jane, her curiosity aroused asked as she headed in the direction indicated,

"Which is what?"

"That we sit at right angles to one another at the kitchen table." Before she could ask he explained. "If I look up and see the disgust in your face I won't be able to continue."

The more he said the more her apprehension mingled with an overwhelming desire to break the seal of his jealously held secrets.

"That bad – Harry I've already worked out that she's dead, that you were in love with her, that she was the analyst transferred to the Home Office and that in some way you blame yourself for her death – probably by acting too slowly."

Stunned by her near accuracy and fluid joining of some very vague dots he was further shaken when she added, "And I suspect that the partnership agreement with Russia was mixed in with this, so how much more is there to tell?"

By now she was imitating Harry's action in pulling out a seat, chair legs scraping across the kitchen canvas, as a precursor to seating herself at the requested angle. Harry, already sitting stiffly in place, his posture implying he expected to be shot at any moment, replied almost as much to himself as her, "More than you know."

Seeing him physically beside her, his hands placed squarely on the table in front of him, fists almost curled as if preparing to fight an invisible enemy, his thoughts clearly light years away from her, she could only advise him,

"Well begin at the beginning and take as much time as you need, but tell me the whole truth, not the doctored version I was fed for years. I'm not prepared to cope with you again on a need to know basis."

Inadvertently she'd given him his in. Harry gave a fleeting half smile as he answered in a strangled tone, "That's more or less what she said. The problem is that I don't know where to begin. I have two separate histories that finally linked."

Jane almost snorted, "So it's complicated, what a surprise. Have you by any chance forgotten that I earn my living deconstructing fiction? I think I can manage to follow something reasonably complex."

Marshalling his thoughts in recognition that Jane was not minded to accept any excuse Harry slowly, deliberately, began to squeeze out his opening sentence,

"I suppose the obvious beginning was the morning Ruth joined Section D..." He paused as he recalled the day, a smiling, keen, untainted Ruth walking through the door dripping files, wearing her slightly hippy dippy clothing and a happy, if nervous smile, "I hadn't actually interviewed her or even really chosen her myself. The staffing review a couple of months previously had indicated that we needed an analyst and HR informed me that they had head hunted the ideal person on my behalf." Not even in his agitation at having to tell the truth did Harry's dislike of Debra Langham and all her cohorts diminish as his mouth morphed into a gentle quirk, "Ironically in the light of our later history I refused to trust her at first."

"Why ever not?"

"Come on. The choice of the HR department parachuted in with no interview or alternative candidate; that had to suspicious, orchestrated by someone with their own agenda." Proffering a more recent comparison he added, "That's a little how Erin arrived."

"Yes, well never mind Erin – she's not important."

Harry begged to differ, "Don't let her hear you saying that, I'm merely..."

"Trying to sidetrack me so cease."

Harry gave himself a slight shake, she was right, although this had been a sub conscious attempt at self defence, and with that thought came the recognition of what exactly he'd forced her to go through when confessing about Robin.

"Sorry Jane – well I was correct in that assumption – a few weeks after she arrived Whitehall tried to use us for an operation without the courtesy of full disclosure. When we stepped out of line someone in the section informed on us. I tasked Tom with tracing and warning off the culprit, while pretending not to know their identity." Aware that Jane was about to ask the obvious question he forestalled her. "Why you were about to ask – I know what you are thinking - but no, I was neither considering seduction, nor I was in love with her. The reason for the ostensible blind eye was that she was absolutely perfect for the job, bright, intuitive, committed, if we could just persuade her to turn."

"And Tom did."

Harry sighed, "Yes but while we had no more leaks and I confirmed her contract I still wasn't entirely sure where her loyalties lay, was it to the Section or to Tom?"

Aware that Jane also owed Tom a debt of gratitude Harry wasn't sure how she'd react to the next part although infinitely worse was to come, "Around that time Tom, who was suffering from burn out, had, we thought gone to the dark side. Eventually we discovered that he'd been the victim of a very clever set up but for a time it seemed that one of our own had gone bad and had to be stopped, whatever it took. I confided in Ruth to see if she would stick by me, or rather the Grid as represented by me. And she came through in spades, she even managed to trick a nurse into giving me a message when I was in hospital recovering from Tom's gunshot. After that I had no further doubts. She wasn't just a wonderful addition due to her brains, she was so human, compassionate, a living reminder of the qualities it is so easy to lose in this job, and to which I had gradually become immune. I often thought she'd almost assumed the role of Grid conscience."

Jane although intrigued by the references to Tom had mentally stamped down the temptation to ask for enlightenment. She wasn't about to give Harry, now staring fixedly at the kitchen table with a misty wistful expression, any excuse for digression. Listening to that last sentence made her wonder if it would be in order to ask for a sick bucket. While it was impossible to accurately judge someone you'd never met, and she'd willingly concede that Ruth probably possessed those desirable qualities, no one, and no woman that she'd ever been acquainted with was as saintly as Harry had just implied.

"So I suppose you want to know when did that liking, trust, admiration, turn into love? The truth is Jane I don't know myself." As he dragged a multitude of past images from the locked back cupboard of his brain, he was asking himself out loud, "Was it when I disciplined her for using confidential files to stalk a man she had a crush on? Was it when I asked her to help me not to get the post of DG? Or was it when Danny Hunter died?"

Risking a glance at Jane's unfathomable expression as she tried to process these new names and information he said in a strained but neutral voice, "That last was the first of many occasions in which I used her and then let her down."

Jane could see that he was struggling as she tried to encourage him, "How? Harry whatever you say today I promise won't go out of this room."

Harry had no problem in believing her, pride alone would ensure her silence. Swallowing he continued, "I'd probably disappointed her on previous occasions but on this one – you see we heard Danny being killed, the actual shot and then silence. One of the team collapsed with shock leaving me with only Ruth and Malcolm to rely on if we were to get Fiona Carter out alive. I forced her to continue working with the promise that we would grieve later and then...when it was all over and she was standing by Danny's dead body, shaken, refusing to let him go to the mortuary on his own I wanted to hug her, hold her and support her, instead...instead I had to see people, clear up the mess. No matter, I thought, we'll all be attending his funeral. That was the day the London bomb exploded."

Jane had promised to listen without comment but involuntarily exclaimed 'Oh God...what awful timing...and so..."

"We had to leave the funeral, Ruth had stayed behind out of respect to Danny, so I went back and pleaded with her to come... and she never got the chance to grieve properly because twice I'd brutally exploited her sense of loyalty, duty and affection." Rubbing his hands across his eyes Harry confessed further, "It didn't help that during that operation Juliet returned to England, blackmailing me subtly and weaselling her way into becoming my boss again."

"Harry you didn't." Suspicion evident in every syllable.

For the first time in his recital Harry's familiar bite emerged. "Give me some credit for learning from my mistakes. But as you are well aware, given the reason we're sitting here, there several incidents in my past I'm not about to admit to voluntarily."

"And especially to someone you're in love with. Quite I can see the problem."

Harry held his hand up in the gesture of a fencer admitting defeat, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone on the staff to know about the affair with Juliet, but yes by that stage I realised what I felt for Ruth went beyond the usual concern of the boss for a valued member of his team. What I didn't know, given that she was about seventeen years younger than me, was whether she regarded me merely as a father figure, especially when I knew that her own father had died when she was about twelve. Anyway with Juliet waltzing around beady eyed, probably wanting revenge for my dumping her when Catherine was on the way, it wasn't a good idea to pursue the matter. I could just see her taking the opportunity to accuse me of having an unprofessional relationship with a junior member of staff while making life unbearable for Ruth as well."

Jane had to concur, "I wouldn't put anything past that bitch myself – how you could ever have..." Recalling that Harry's lack of taste in regard to Juliet was not the main topic under discussion, having been thrashed to death in previous years, "Sorry... continue."

Obeying orders Harry picked up the narrative, "So life ground on grinding us all down. Fiona Carter died, operations came and went, and then I made a misjudgement that got me suspended, to Juliet's delight. Fortunately the team were not overly fond of her and rallied round sending me Intel by various covert means, which included meeting Ruth on a bus. The sheer joy of just seeing her when I was officially off duty...I tried to keep it casual, asked after Adam and thought she looked a little peeved. A few days later when I was graciously allowed to return, in order to get up to speed I went into my office during the evening. It was late and Ruth was the only one still on the Grid. The look she gave me...I knew then that she felt about me the way I felt about her... sorry Jane I know this all sounds a bit Mills and Boon."

"They can be a fairly steamy read these days...or so I'm told." In other circumstances Harry would have laughed out loud at Jane's haste to disabuse anyone of the notion that she ever read such down market literature.

"This doesn't get steamy." Noting her sceptical expression he assured her, '"Honestly – at least..." wishing that he could conceal the dimension of Elena. Before she could query his sudden modifier he continued.

"I seriously considered making a move then, but thought I'd best allow the upheavals created by my suspension to settle first and then... sorry this isn't really relevant."

"Harry everything is relevant if I'm to understand. Must I remind you again that it was only telling me what you thought I ought to know that created some of the problems between us?"

Harry nodding his acknowledgment of this truth picked up where he had just left off. "A few weeks later a rogue agent, who happened to be the bereaved girlfriend of Ruth's alcoholic, dead by suicide stepbrother visited the Grid and threatened to blow us all up, forcing us into lockdown. The only way I could break the deadlock and get us out was to persuade Ruth to elaborate on her past history with the stepbrother; pretend they had had an affair. It worked, but Ruth disgusted with herself for part enjoying what she'd done felt I'd used her, played on her feelings. I was angry, angry that I'd had to do that, angry that she thought so little of me, angry that I'd been mistaken in thinking she had any affection for me, that she thought I was made of ice. I remember pinning her against the wall and reminding her that in MI5 we have to exert self control and self denial. That I thought was that, we'd just stay as boss and subordinate while I exerted self denial for the rest of my life, then strange to say Juliet asked if I was in love with Ruth and suggested that I stopped hesitating before it was too late."

Jane more astounded by this revelation than anything vouchsafed thus far about Ruth Evershed exclaimed, "Juliet – I don't get it?"

"I must admit it startled me as well. It was just after that bomb in Parliament Square and the attendant riots. Juliet had been badly injured in the blast. At the time I thought suffering had purified her – now I think she was taking advantage to push me into a relationship with Ruth, hoping to use it in the future to manipulate me – as Erin said the three f's."

Harry paused again, wondering how he explained the next events to Jane. Jane willing herself to imitate a statue could see he was wrestling with his recollections but suspected that this was due to his reaching the more intimate part of the tale.

"Finally I took the chance and invited her out to dinner. It was a lovely evening, she looked gorgeous, we managed to discuss a great many topics, I hinted, yes Jane just hinted, at a possible future and thought we were launched as an item."

"Do I gather you thought wrong?"

"Somehow it had percolated onto the Grid grapevine that we'd been on a date and Ruth couldn't stand the thought of being the focus of office gossip, or the insinuation that she was sleeping with the boss so she refused to consider a second date. I think gutted just about describes how I felt but she was adamant. Having got so close to the relationship I wanted made it worse, every time I saw her I thought about what could have been, and no I'm not just talking bedroom here, although admittedly that did play its part in my imaginings, especially when we wound up in separate rooms in the same hotel on an operation shortly afterwards."

While Harry's eyes were once again focussed on the kitchen table as he relived his disappointments Jane, a former reluctant victim of Harry's charm offensive was thinking along the rough lines of 'God was that woman either possessed of an iron will or just totally bonkers." She was pulled away from her speculation by the sound of his voice, embellished with a base note of sorrow.

"I wouldn't want to give the impression that the work situation was overly awkward. We managed to remain on friendly terms and I was hopeful that eventually she might manage to overcome her reluctance, I mean neither of us were indifferent, more she was embarrassed by the attention and I didn't want to crowd her, it had to be her decision. In the event we didn't get the time."

As he said it the image of Oliver Mace floated into his mind, his hatred for the man reflected in his face, scaring Jane as she awaited the next instalment of this twisting saga.

"I was hopeful, but a few weeks after our date, I'll spare you the details, but someone else aware of my interest in Ruth threatened to frame her for murder in an attempt to force me into agreeing to a cover up of torture by our own service. As you know Jane I've been the victim of that myself and it is a line in the sand for me, last resort in extraordinary circumstances only. I should have listened when she suspected what was going on, instead in my arrogant stupidity I fed her tea for shock and ignored her concerns. When I realised what was in the wind I attempted to take the hit myself only to discover that Ruth, who'd been off the Grid and out of contact with me had decided I was more important to the state and framed herself for murder, followed by a suicide. That meant she had to run. Go into deep cover. God Jane after identifying a body as hers, followed by standing at the bitterly cold dockside, saying goodbye forever. I tried to tell her I loved her but she refused to let me speak – insisted it was left unsaid... all I could do for her was promise to look after her cats. I was useless, let her down yet again. I'd never in my life done anything as difficult as that."

As he felt tears threatening he sighed, "Now I only wish that had been the end of it, that I never had seen her again Agonising as it was to know that she was still somewhere, wondering every day if she was okay, missing her as I'd miss an arm or a leg..."

Harry stopped speaking, the overwhelming memories producing on his face the shut down frozen look that Jane had observed on sundry occasions over the last few days. Now she knew its provenance and cause. Bad memories combined with the ruthless suppression of the same. She recognised it, was reluctant to pressurise him, but knew that she was right. If they were to have any future as friends it had to be on equal terms, and that meant no more poisonous secrets.

Harry having re- ordered his thoughts pushed on, "You are no doubt wondering why someone in deep cover and dead re-emerged. Not my doing, at least not directly." Meeting Jane's eye for the first time since he'd begun his narration he asked, "Do you remember the other day when Malcolm said they'd thought I was dead, captured and killed." As Jane nodded slowly he resumed, "I'd been captured and sold on to a rogue group of Indian intelligence officers who wanted to get their hands on an illegal shipment of uranium I'd halted and hidden. Ruth was the only other person to know its location. They'd managed to trace her and when she ran and returned to the country with her new ..." Even now Harry couldn't bring himself to use the word husband as he stumbling said, "Partner and his young son, they captured her and brought her to where I was being held." Breaking for a brief self indulgent second he commented, "It isn't often that the best day in your life and the worst are one and the same. Best because I was actually with her again; worst because once more I'd placed her in danger plus while I was still yearning for her she'd replaced me with another man. It all got very messy, by the end of it Ruth's partner had been killed, the boy was saved by Malcolm, and Ruth wanted nothing to do with me. I did my best by sorting out the paperwork so she could reassume her true identity and asked her to return to her old job, which didn't go down well when it was her association with MI5 that had destroyed her life twice."

"And yet she came back?"

"She was finally persuaded by another officer, and when all about you is collapsing you tend fall back onto the familiar however agonising. Gradually, slowly, we reverted to where we'd been before she left but I always felt the presence of an invisible barrier, as if she was blaming me for what had happened. As I was responsible I couldn't argue with that. Loving her as I did it wasn't easy, she'd lost everything to MI5 and I was beginning to tire of the parade of endless evil, and the betrayals. After years of sitting in a comfortable chair sending my young officers out to die I felt increasingly unclean, especially when I was not infrequently required to act as a government puppet against my conscience. Then as if to confirm that disaffection my Section Chief, Adam's successor, Ros Myers, was killed trying to save the then Home Secretary. Finally at her funeral it all became overwhelming and I asked Ruth to marry me."

He paused for a moment half expecting an intake of breath from Jane, that didn't come. Jane was actually too stunned to react. She knew Harry, if he was prepared to risk marriage again then this was no ordinary passion. When she failed to respond Harry picked up his narrative thread,

"At the risk of sounding conceited I was surprised when she refused on the basis that the time and place was wrong. I will admit I made a mess of it, saying that I didn't want either of us to have such a poorly attended funeral as Ros'."

Jane despite her not overly successful efforts to maintain a self imposed silence couldn't resist a comment, "Oh Harry what were you thinking of..."

"Not very romantic I admit."

"True but what I was actually thinking was that a small turn out to your funeral is the last thing you need to worry about – all your enemies would turn up to make sure you're really dead."

Shaking his head a little at her accurate effort to introduce a lighter note, albeit temporarily, Harry went on, "Maybe but I'd decided I had enough and wanted to retire, even wrote my resignation but Towers refused to accept it, Ruth argued that she wanted me to stay and in the end I gave in. She did finally explain that the reason she'd said no was that we couldn't be more together than we were right now and she couldn't see us living in a cottage living a normal life. Much later I discovered that she was still hurting from the death of George, her partner in Cyprus, she felt guilty that she couldn't grieve because she was dead inside."

Harry's voice was lowering as he articulated to Jane what he'd never before admitted out loud to anyone.

"Even before she said that I'd realised I'd been responsible for the emotional destruction of the young keen woman who'd joined us a few short years ago. I couldn't escape from the guilt, to be frank I just ended up reaching for the whisky bottle to numb that reality. She was completely right in what she said as a reason from not marrying, we were both so thoroughly absorbed and warped by the service that it was welded onto us like armour. However I also knew that I really needed to distance myself from her. I privately wondered about a transfer so I didn't have the agony of seeing her on a daily basis, but she was the best analyst I'd ever had and the section needed her. I did try, but keeping the private emotions separated from professional decisions was becoming difficult. Then she announced that the new Section Chief had gone off the rails and demanded I did something about it. She didn't agree with my course of action or rather inaction, while I assessed the situation further. I got annoyed as I honestly felt she was trying, none to subtlety, to manipulate me by trading on a personal relationship that she'd refused to acknowledge publicly."

Aware he was moving ever nearer to the unavoidable admissions guaranteed to make Jane steam he hesitated, he was selecting his words with the care of an author seeking to eulogise a particularly touchy red Queen. "Once again it got messy, the Section Chief kidnapped Ruth, put her on a drip that would kill her and refused to give her location until I handed over a dangerous piece of state technology, a very secret piece of state technology that had the potential to kill millions. I couldn't bear the idea of her dying like that – so I did."

Jane couldn't believe her ears. Harry had actually betrayed the state for a woman! Harry didn't need to look at her to know her reaction.

"I did hand it over, but with a plan for retrieval, and the safety net that it had never actually worked. Ruth, not knowing that at the time was furious with me, really angry so when Lucas called and asked me to meet him and I knew he intended to kill me I'm not sure I would have been sorry if he succeeded. In the event he beat me up a little and then threw himself off the tower block. I was left facing a tribunal and probable imprisonment."

"So how did you avoid that?"

"In a way I didn't. On the plus side once Ruth discovered that I'd not handed over a toxic secret we returned to good terms, but the tribunal was obviously stacked against me as my entire career was dissected."

Jane was experiencing an emotion she hadn't expected, sheer disgust with his employers. She'd always loathed much what he'd been forced to do, but given what he'd sacrificed and suffered in defence of the realm, suspicion and disgrace was the best the state could offer in return! A glance at Harry told her from the rigid set of his face that he was nerving himself up another major revelation.

"I was reinstated on a temporary basis pending a decision, on condition that I kept Erin and stuck to the rules. They needed my knowledge of Russian and Russian affairs. Or that was what we all thought at the time. "

"So enter the Russians and the partnership agreement."

"Yes. Specifically Ilya Gavrik." Harry, eyes roving in every direction except Jane's, missed her sudden stiffening to attention as she recognised the name shouted out in his nightmare. "He had asked for me, originally I thought it was to patronise me, force me into a suppliant position after our rivalry during the Cold War, and I think that element did exist, but in reality I suspect he was manipulated into doing so by his wife Elena."

On the basis that if you pull off a sticking plaster you do so quickly to get the pain over with he bit his lip before explaining, "No easy way to say this Jane but during the time we were supposed in Cologne and I kept vanishing I was in Berlin, having with Jim's help turned Elena Gavrik into an asset - by a lie over her parents' death and also via a honeytrap."

It was the turn of Jane's face to become consciously impassive although she wondered simultaneously why she was so surprised, she'd always known that Harry used every talent he possessed in pursuit of his operational aims, sex included.

"Only three of us had survived from those days, myself, Elena and Jim Coaver. As the partnership talks advanced various attempts were made to derail them taking the form of someone using our old codes and pretending to be Elena. I judged Jim Coaver, who'd arrived in England with a watching brief, to be the culprit. Friends we may have been but it was quite obvious the Americans wanted the partnership spiked. Typical dog in the manger – we don't want to be your best friend but we don't want you taking up with someone else. I couldn't really be seen cosying up to Elena for information and due to our previous involvement I could only trust the sole person I'd confided in...Ruth...I used her Jane, yet again, as I'd used her before. I knew she was distressed by my doing so but Elena as my ex asset was in danger. Her husband had no idea of her work for me and as he idolised her if he ever found out about her past, our past, she'd be dead. Also she was emotionally blackmailing me..." Harry heaved a huge sigh, "Jane you do need to know this in view of the later events, she'd become pregnant during our involvement and given birth to our son Sasha."

He didn't dare look at Jane who now understood why he'd insisted on the ninety degrees seating plan. In that moment her burgeoning sympathy was being replaced by a murderous rage.

"In the middle of all this Towers head hunted Ruth on the basis of the report I'd produced for the tribunal, in which I justified my action in handing over the state secret by pointing out that she was the more important asset to national security. She was still angry at the way I'd used her, that's when she made the same comment as you about secrets and the need to know basis of life. I advised her to go, it hurt like hell but she'd suffered enough for my sake and I wanted her well away from the potential political explosions I could see galloping over the horizon. A short time later I kidnapped Jim Coaver, still convinced that he was behind the events aimed at scewing the partnership. Jim managed to convince me otherwise but was then grabbed and killed by the real villains."

Jane had managed to fight down her rage sufficiently to comment, "So that's why you got the blame. How did they kill him?"

Harry choking down the urge to cry quietly informed her, "I was to blame. They beat him up and then threw him out of a van driving at top speed through London. Jane he died in my arms, even worse he died forgiving me and assuring me that he wouldn't have killed me when he pulled gun on me years ago."

An aghast Jane muttered, "Errr," as she wondered which part of Harry's explanation she'd dozed through.

"Sorry didn't mention that bit. Elena had wanted me to extract her and Sasha from East Germany when the boy as around four. I'd agreed but at the last minute Jim pulled a gun on me to prevent it. Why I've never known – at first I thought he wanted to reactivate her as an asset after we'd burnt her but he never did. Now I think he suspected something wasn't quite right with her but didn't know what."

Jane was quick to pick up the insinuation, "Meaning he was right."

"If he did have those suspicions at the time, yes. The CIA agents were now after my blood and I needed the proof Jim said he had on his laptop stored in the American Embassy. I persuaded Ruth to break into their safe deposit when she was accompanying Towers there on a visit. Unfortunately Sasha Gavrik in turn stole the laptop from her. I was handed over to the Americans leaving Ruth devastated, crying as we seemed to be parted for the second time. It was then she told me she was buying a small cottage in Sussex. All I could do was tell her to try a live a normal life. With the CIA watching I couldn't comfort her but that was no excuse for my brutally telling her to pretend that it was not the end of us as I gave her a quick kiss. Only our second ever, ridiculous as that may seem to you. Despite the American assurances to Towers that I'd be well treated I was starved, beaten up and then bundled in a car boot with less ceremony than a package – which was what they referred to me as – only to be extracted by Erin and Dimitri."

"That was a bit of a risk wasn't it? I mean I know they are loyal to you, but the government had approved your extradition."

"Very much so, but I'd insisted as a condition of giving myself up that the partnership signing was brought forward. Jim was innocent but the Americans were not happy with the idea, and the one woman we'd traced as implicated in the whole plot was a freelance American deniable asset. Bringing it forward would throw them or whoever else was responsible. That Jane was about the one thing I got right in the whole sorry business. The person who did break cover though wasn't American or as I'd part suspected Ilya Gavrik. It was Elena."

Jane's decibel shriek of, 'What'" gave him the chance to delay further exposition as he rose from the table and poured himself a glass of water. Sitting down again he tackled the final hurdle of truth.

"Elena had insisted to Ruth that she would only talk to me, hence the direct extraction. We wound up at an old Second World War bunker in the lower part of the Thames Estuary, mudflat territory. Ruth and Calum brought Elena and Sasha. Not ideal. Ilya wasn't slow to discover they were missing and I sent him our location. So there we all were an audience to whatever Elena had to say."

Harry exhaled a heavy groan, "She'd played us all. While I thought I'd recruited her, she'd recruited me but not for the KGB, she'd been recruited by a pro Russian nationalist group just after she married Ilya, she was the honeytrap, not me. In the past her long term plan had been to feed me information and then to turn me. The irony Jane considering the whole web of deceptions, what saved me was that, in her words, I was too decent and burnt her as an asset to protect her. She mocked me for that, even gloated as she told me Sasha was not my son. Even worse the Intel that made me was what she'd passed on as part of her great lie. The bitterness of knowing I owe my career to the greatest misjudgement of my professional life."

Jane who could only imagine his horror, even repeating this he looked shattered, hurriedly pointed out, "Yes and just think of the damage she did Russia –with you at the helm of counter terrorism, all her fanaticism actually did was damage her country due to the Intel she'd fed you. Tell me did Ilya really have no idea at all or was he lying as well?"

"Absolutely none. He adored her. I'd say she and Sasha were the one weakness he allowed himself. He'd no idea of the lies she'd spun to him and to me, including the one about Sasha's parentage. He arrived in time to hear her confess. Since we were interviewing her in a room with two way windows he actually saw her state that her group were planning to explode a jet plane over London, but she'd turned as the death of innocent civilians was her personal line in the sand."

Pausing for moment as he rubbed his face; lashing himself for stupidity. "Yet again I believed her. Despite all the evidence that she was a liar I nearly fell for it again. The real plan was to get the British to blow up the jet which would be an act of war. It was only Ruth who saw the truth, saw straight through her. If it wasn't for Ruth our country, the one I've spent my life defending would have been destroyed."

Jane was inclined to expostulate that it usually was women who saw through other women, men being notoriously obtuse in some areas, but refrained from comment, frightened that if she interrupted Harry, clearly struggling with the ultimate in painful memories as he relived his catastrophic errors out loud, he might just stall at the final hurdle.

By now Harry had almost forgotten her presence as he spoke out loud talking to himself, "It was all down to Ruth, we tackled Elena, I even threatened to shot Sasha and she just stood there risking the life of her own son. When we couldn't contact the plane we realised it was a jammer not a bomb on board, but Towers wouldn't believe me so I had to ask Ilya to pull the strong man from the Kremlin card. Ilya was willing to do so but on terms, that Ruth got the key from the reinforced room that we'd interrogated and subsequently locked Elena in. Ruth took the key from me, Ilya made the call and she and I left to get some fresh air. Being a coward I didn't want to see what Ilya would do to Elena."

Jane came to the rescue as he halted, shuddering at his own culpability, "I'm guessing he killed her."

"Strangled. The classic case of love turning into hatred in an instant. And I let it happen. While he was murdering her I was outside talking with Ruth. She was telling me to forgive myself for the lies I'd told Elena, and that's when she asked me to leave the service with her. I was stunned. After all those years of waiting, longing and when just twenty four hours previously I thought we'd reached the end of the road to suddenly be presented with your dream. As I looked into her eyes... she had the most gorgeous eyes I'd ever seen, bright blue, large and speaking... I couldn't answer, I just smiled at her and then..." His voice began to breakup..."I saw Sasha Gavrik striding towards us, he was obviously agitated, the boy had adored his mother and to hear what he'd heard, known she hadn't given in even when I held him at gunpoint, and then he'd watched Ilya murder her...I told Ruth to leave, go back to the bunker, I begged her twice, but...she didn't ...she stepped in front of him, telling him to blame her, that it was her who'd given Ilya and key...he was moving...had a sharp shard of glass in his hand. I don't think he meant to stab her but he did..."

Almost involuntarily Jane reached out and took his hand, "Nearly there Harry."

Grateful for the warmth of the physical contact he swallowed as he finished his tale, "She was dying, we tried to save her but she was dying. As she went I told her that we would have the life she'd planned, in the cottage she said she'd bought for both of us...but she just gasped we were never meant to have those things and then, like Jim, died in my arms."

He paused before finishing in a broken voice "I'd killed her Jane, by being too slow, too stupid to listen to her, too trusting in the wrong places. I'd wished at that moment that I was dead. I still do but instead my heart keeps beating. I go to bed every night hoping not to wake up."

Jane watching him fighting back the unshed tears wore a strange, almost speculative expression on her face. She'd dealt with Harry previously when he'd been depressed and angry. The first time had been when Bill died, but there had been other subsequent occasions when he'd blamed himself for someone meeting their maker. She fully recognised the strain he was being crushed under but from her knowledge of past experience something didn't quite ring true. Suddenly the words shouted in his nightmare sprang to mind, "Ilya we have no choice."

Emboldened she gently asked, "Harry can I suggest that you tell me what happened next. What exactly you and Ilya collaborated over."

Harry winced. How she'd known he was attempting to redact that emotionally numbing epilogue he couldn't begin to guess, but then he'd only ever had limited success in deceiving Jane. Closing his eyes he began to relive with clarity the scenes he'd tried to deny, pretending that it was someone else who'd concocted that grotesque cover as he and Ilya, united in a harmony of bereavement, smothered those coruscating fatal truths under a blanket of freshly minted lies.

"Well. Jane..."

Thanks for reading and if you have a moment please review.

I'll get the next chapter written asap but am due go on holiday shortly so there may be a delay. Rest assured this story is nearing its end.