Unspoken Feelings
Chapter Nine: Happy Birthday!
"WHAT!?" Pam shrieked as she looked at her best friend's report card. "How the fuck do you already have nineteen credits!?"
"Summer school," Sookie wrote in the notebook Jason had given her for Christmas. It was actually a nice, sturdy binder with different stationery. When she spoke with Pam, she used the pink papers. When she spoke with Eric, it was always blue since they both liked that color the best. Everyone else got the green papers. "I had no friends to hang out with in the summer, so I took extra classes."
Pam stared at her friend's report card a moment longer before asking, "So, you were actually a Junior this year?"
"No, I started the semester missing a credit to be considered a Junior. Now I'm considered a Junior, and with my current classes, I will qualify as an exiting Senior next school year," Sookie explained. She patted Pam's hand apologetically. "If I'd known I'd have someone to spend a Senior year with, I wouldn't have rushed through school."
Pam sulked some more but tried to be sympathetic. Even though people had been a lot less hostile toward Sookie in the months they had hung out, Pam had to admit she was worried the truce would end when Eric and Jason graduated. It was sad to think about, but Sookie was rightfully scared of her classmates. If all she wanted was to graduate and be free of them, Pam couldn't blame her.
"So, what are you going to do after graduation next year?" Pam asked.
"I don't know," Sookie confessed. "I'm thinking about moving to Shreveport, though. I figure someone like me might do better in a city where there might be more opportunities."
"You're just going to let a bunch of stupid rednecks run you out of your home?" Pam asked in annoyance.
"The farm is my home. Bon Temps is just the town my home is in. I'll still visit my family all the time. I'll visit you, too," Sookie assured with a smile.
"Are you thinking of moving down to New Orleans with Eric while he goes to college?" Pam asked the question that had been bothering her since Eric received his early admission letter to the University of New Orleans.
Sookie bowed her head and began playing with the beads of the bracelet Eric had made her for Christmas, "Maybe."
"What sort of answer is that?" Pam demanded.
"Pam, things are going great with Eric and me, but it's only been three months that we've been dating. He's got his freshmen year of college next year. I still have one more year of high school. We'll see how we manage that year, and then I'll think about it more seriously," Sookie's face was stern as she wrote all this out.
"Is Eric some sort of puzzle to you or something?" Pam demanded. "Romance is supposed to be about being swept up in the moment and believing in each other when no one else does! It sounds like you don't believe in him at all!"
Sookie sat frozen for a moment before she realized that Pam was angry with her. She wasn't angry about Eric, or even that Sookie planned to move away. She was mad that Sookie would be graduating early, and Pam would have no one to spend her Senior year with. Pam had sacrificed any chance at a social life to be Sookie's friend, and now Sookie was abandoning her.
Sookie wrote a quick message as she gathered her things to head to Eric's room. It was a simple, "I'm sorry," but she hoped Pam believed it was true. Her friend didn't try to stop her as she left the room, but glared at her until she disappeared around the doorframe.
"You're here early!" Eric commented as Sookie arrived at his room. He quickly shut the door behind her and hugged her close. "Is everything alright?"
Sookie shook her head and wrote nearly three paragraphs about what had happened in Pam's room. She expressed her sadness at leaving Pam behind and regret at hurting her, but she couldn't stay in Bon Temps.
"You fought about me too?" Eric read the words carefully. Sookie nodded. "Because you're not sure if you would want to live in New Orleans with me?" She nodded. "That does feel a little scary to think about right now, but if you decided you wanted to; at this moment, the idea makes me happy." His confession brought a smile to her own lips.
Taking the blue page back, Sookie added, "I like the fantasy of it."
"Wait," Eric realized suddenly, "you only have one year of high school left after this?" Sookie nodded slowly at his realization. "So we would only have to make it through one school year apart!" She nodded again. "Well, that's gotta be the best birthday present I could ask for! A year doesn't feel like anything at all!"
"When is your birthday?" She felt terrible for not knowing it. She knew Pam's was April 9th, and she felt awful for not knowing her own boyfriend's birthday! Then again, Pam always goes on about how lucky she is that her birthstone is a diamond, Sookie remembered with amusement.
"January 17th," Eric told her.
Oh my God! His birthday is in two days, and I had no idea! Sookie fretted. She wasn't prepared for this at all! Why have I never asked him when his birthday was?! Now that she thought about it, she was almost positive he knew when hers was. She distinctly remembered him asking that very question when he first attempted reading her lips.
Sookie felt miserable as she realized she didn't even have time to make him something for his birthday like she had for Christmas. The girl glanced at the 14X14 canvas with her acrylic painting of the lake they had first gone fishing at. It hung over the headboard of his bed, and she had to admit that it blended nicely in his room.
"I'm sorry I didn't ask about it sooner!" Sookie apologized. "I haven't gotten you anything!"
Eric gave his girlfriend a quick, soft kiss, "Don't worry about it. Spend the day with just me, and it'll be the best present." Grabbing her around the waist, Eric pulled her to lay beside him on the bed. "As for Pam, it can't be helped. You can't take a bunch of bullshit classes your fourth year just because you don't want to leave her behind. Pam's a big girl. She'll get through Senior year just fine without you." For some reason, that thought made Sookie even sadder. "She'll miss the hell out of you, but she'll survive."
Sookie held Eric a bit tighter. It was scary to finally have made a friend, and then have to consider leaving them. But why isn't it as frightening with Eric? she wondered. Why don't I feel as helpless and scared that he'll be leaving me to go to college next year?
The terrifying truth was that she was scared. She had just been conditioned that high school sweethearts were a thing of the past and that modern men and women didn't settle down so quickly. Her relaxed attitude about Eric leaving was just a byproduct of being raised in a world that now looked down on younger couples. If she actually considered things any deeper, she would realize that in seven short months, her heart was going to split straight down the middle.
Ice crystals seemed to form in Sookie's stomach, and she pressed herself tighter against Eric. All this talking about the future was frightening. The questions and demanded answers were overwhelming. For the last eight years, no one had really cared what she did so long as it didn't get in their way. Now people wanted her to make decisions about the rest of her life… Not people, just Pam, Sookie realized.
Her gran and brother had been content to let her be for now. They remained quietly encouraging as she explored her new friendship and relationship. Gran had even said Sookie should take a year off before deciding whether or not to go to college. Eric, a lot more confident in the success of their relationship, maintained a more positive attitude about the situation, but never made Sookie feel like she was being forced once direction or another. Or, Sookie tentatively thought, you have a lot more faith in your relationship than you're letting yourself believe! Don't you think it's possible that you don't feel pressured because you both want the same exact thing?
The overall answer to that self-analysis was: Yes. Yes, Sookie felt the same way. Yes, she did want to go live with him in New Orleans after she graduated. And yes, she believed a year apart would suck, but she could and would do it for him. For a brief moment, there was a strange spark inside of her that told her that this was what being in love felt like. It was only a small realization, one that came and went as swiftly through her mind like the tail of a falling star in the sky. Emblazoned in her mind, but already gone before it could be grasped. Thankfully, that feeling was all Sookie needed to be sure they had seen or felt or even tasted the true meaning of love.
She wouldn't admit it, though. Not yet. If she never spoke again. If she never made a single sound the rest of her life. Even if what she managed to spit out sounded like the garbage disposal had ground up her words and sent them tumbling from her lips. She would tell him.
{†}
Come on, Sookie, she thought angrily, any sound. Just one little noise on purpose! She encouraged her reflection. Her mouth opened, and her pink tongue wiggled, but her throat closed against her efforts. Stupid brain! She put her hairbrush down, placed her hands on her dresser and stared long and hard at her reflection. One little sound, Mouth, that's all I want. Let me make one noise that I want to.
Despite the frustration, Sookie sighed. Even if it was an 'ah' sound instead of an 'I,' that'd be good enough for me, she sulked.
She remembered the babbling sounds she could make when she cried hard enough. She remembered the cries of pain she'd let loose when Compton pushed her face into the ground, or when those upperclassmen shut her head in the locker. There was also that time she'd managed to say 'beau' when Pam played the viola, and the times she'd managed the 'eh' for Eric's first name. Those last few times, a word had been on her mind. She'd wanted to say Pam's music was beautiful. She'd wanted to speak her boyfriend's name with a tone of passion.
It's too late, Sookie thought sadly as she finished getting ready for school and began the walk up to Rosenfont Hall. It was Eric's birthday, and she still couldn't manage to utter the first word of her desperate declaration.
Grabbing her backpack, Sookie slung it over her shoulder and began walking up the road to Eric's house. Her brother had offered her a ride, but she insisted that she really did like the little walk in the morning.
"Good morning," Sookie waved as she entered the house. Eric greeted her at the door with a deep, knee-knocking kiss. He was very enthusiastic this morning! "Happy birthday!" she wished him.
"Thanks," he placed his hands on her hips as he asked, "after tea, will you go to Shreveport with me?"
"It's your birthday," She assured him with a smile. "What do you want to do?"
"Grab some dinner," Eric played with the bracelet that he'd made for her for Christmas. It was just a strap of leather with shiny beads on it, but when Sookie insisted they not buy anything for each other, it was the best he could do. Eric had made an identical one for himself and told her that way everyone would know they belonged to one another. Sookie had blushed as he made that declaration in front of her family but had secretly been pleased by the thought. She wore hers on her left hand, and he wore his bracelet on his right, that way when they held hands, the bands were next to each other.
Sookie gently tugged her bracelet from his hand so she could reply, "Can we listen to the mixtape you made for me?"
"Sure," Eric smiled as he leaned in for another kiss. Before their lips could touch, Pam came clacking down the stairs.
"Happy birthday!" Pam crowed as she produced a nicely wrapped gift.
"Thanks, Pam," Eric accepted it. "Do you want me to open it now?"
"Go for it!" She knew her brother couldn't stand being kept in suspense. He had a horrible habit of nagging the crap out of her whenever she tried to surprise him.
Eric quickly tore open the paper like a small child, and Sookie smiled at his enthusiasm. "Whoa, you actually saved your allowance for this!" He took out a CD case that declared he had received an accounting software program for his birthday.
"Anything for my favorite brother," Pam grinned.
"I heard that!" Godric called from the kitchen as he came in with another gift. Eric opened it to find a new printing calculator and gave his brother a quick hug. "I noticed you'd opened up your old one and figured there was probably something wrong with it."
"Yeah," Eric sighed, "I've tried cleaning the gears, but I think the feet are going on the printer's feeder. It keeps seizing up and printing over itself. I was going to see about replacing the feet, but this is even better! This one looks new, too. It'll last much longer than the one from the resale shop!"
A resale shop? Sookie wondered. She was all too aware that the Northmans were well off, but that they also were on a strict budget for quite some time. Jason seemed to know more about it than she did, but she reasoned that the topic must have come up during his hunting trip with Eric a few months ago. Sookie supposed that if she'd ask, Pam or Eric would happily explain, but the young woman felt it would be rude to question.
As Eric fawned over his gifts, Sookie clutched her backpack self-consciously. Deep down she'd known she wouldn't be able to make herself speak in two days, not even unintelligible utterances. Therefore, Sookie had taken time the night before to make Eric's favorite cookies. She didn't know what they were called, but her family had always called them jam cookies. They were just vanilla cookies with a dollop of any sort of preserves in the middle, and she knew they were Eric's favorite because he always devoured them whenever they appeared at tea time. She was pretty certain no one even got a chance to try one.
When Godric and Pam looked at Sookie expectantly, she slowly opened her bag and took out a prettily wrapped cellophane bag with a blue ribbon cinching the top.
"SHORTBREAD COOKIES!" Eric howled happily as he accepted the bag. "What flavor are they? Can I have one now? I just brushed my teeth, though. The toothpaste will ruin the flavor. Damn it!"
"Strawberry rhubarb," Sookie signed. "Gran made the jam, I did the rest."
Eric ran his tongue around his teeth, "My mouth doesn't taste too minty, I bet it will be fine." He carefully untied the ribbon and reached in for his first cookie. He could feel his mouth beginning to water as the jam shined up from the golden cookie. His teeth sunk into the sturdy but soft texture, the jam clung gloriously to his teeth and then-
"Eric, are you crying?" Pam demanded.
"This is," Eric looked at the treat with captivation, "exactly what a home baked cookie should taste like."
Sookie let out a breath she'd been holding. She'd never baked for anyone but Gran. Up until recently, Jason had refused to eat anything she'd made, and she hadn't been sure if she could trust Gran to be honest about her abilities in the kitchen. Then again, she had no issues telling me off for messing something up when I was first learning, she remembered Gran's scoldings fondly.
"I don't know if I'll be able to eat store-bought cookies ever again," Eric laughed as he savored the rest of the treat. "I don't trust myself to take these with me to school…" he murmured. "But if I leave them here, Godric will eat some. Fuck it, at least if they all get eaten during school, they'll all be eaten by me." With that, Eric took Sookie's hand and began leading her out the door. "Thank you for my birthday present. Those are my favorite cookies ever! I've never had strawberry-rhubarb jam before, though. It's pretty amazing too."
The entire car ride to school, Eric continued talking about the cookies his girlfriend had made him and how he couldn't believe she picked his favorite kind to make! Sookie grinned as she became more and more pleased with the turn of events. She had thought he would give her a thankful kiss on the head, and that would be the end of it. Maybe I'm not as lame of a girlfriend as I thought, she considered as they walked into the school, and Eric had yet to let go of her.
"Thanks for the cookies. They'll probably all be gone by lunchtime," Eric confessed as they arrived at the girls' homeroom. Pam stomped straight into class, and Eric sighed at her attitude. "We just can't seem to win with her lately. She's either upset that we're getting along too well or upset that we aren't getting along well enough."
Sookie nodded sadly, but still stood up onto her tiptoes to give him a kiss goodbye before he headed to his own class. He waved and left for his homeroom, and Sookie finally went to her seat beside Pam.
"What's up?" Sookie pushed the pink paper toward Pam.
"Nothing," Pam snapped as she went about organizing her due assignments for the day.
"You always seem to be mad at me lately," Sookie wrote. "What am I doing wrong?"
"Nothing," Pam replied stiffly.
Sookie slowly put the paper back into her binder. Pam didn't want to speak to her about what was bothering her, and pestering seemed to be counter-intuitive. The most she could do was hope the problem would either pass or that Pam would open up about it.
It had been a long time since Sookie felt so neglected at school, and she had to wait until after third period before Eric made his first appearance of the school day. As much as Sookie wanted to tell him how terrible her morning had been, she couldn't bring herself to put a cloud over his birthday. Instead, she beamed happily at him and tried to discretely ignore Pam's sulking at lunch.
"Maybe you should drop me at home after school and have afternoon tea with your brother and sister today," Sookie suggested. "We can go out after that."
"Are you sure?" Eric asked sadly.
"I think I should give Pam some space. I don't know if she's still mad at me about the other day, or if I've done something else now too," Sookie paused a moment. "Whatever the reason is, I think she needs some distance from me."
Eric nodded in understanding, but also couldn't help but feel frustrated with himself and his sister. The growing rift between Sookie and Pam felt evident to him. Pam was still attracted to Sookie, sure, but the real problem was that Sookie was spending more and more time with him. On more than one occasion, Eric was certain he and Sookie had put Pam in the middle of each other, and it was apparent his younger sister was reaching her limit. Hopefully, some of the tension will ease when I go to college next year. Of course, that just meant the stress would be between himself and Sookie rather than Sookie and Pam, but he could handle it. He was also optimistic that Sookie could handle it too.
When the day had ended, Eric dropped Sookie off at her home, much to Pam's surprise. "Sookie's not spending the day with you?" Pam asked.
"I wanted to at least have afternoon tea alone with you and Godric. I'm going out to dinner with Sookie afterward," Eric explained. He was actually grateful for Sookie's suggestion. For a while now, he felt like he hadn't connected with his family very well.
Pam only managed a distracted nod as they turned around and headed back up the road to their house. When they came inside, Godric had already started the kettle and Eric resigned himself to peppermint tea. He was pleasantly surprised to find it was actually his favorite chai when the aroma came to him.
"It's your birthday," Godric shrugged. "I figured just this once I wouldn't make you fight for it." Eric rolled his eyes but offered his thanks. "Where's Sookie?"
Eric shrugged, "I wanted to have a little family time for a change. Sookie and I spend so much time together, I don't want you guys to feel neglected."
Godric snorted with a laugh, "Then everything is going well between you two?"
"Absolutely!" Eric grinned but fumbled when he saw Pam's face tighten out of the corner of his eyes. "Pam, is everything alright?" he asked.
"It's fine," Pam took a sip of her tea and grimaced. "I don't know how you can prefer this crap."
"You know, you're a horrible liar, Pam," Godric sighed.
"No," Pam set down her teacup, "I'm a terrific liar, you two just piss me off so well that I can't pull it off as easily."
"Then just say it, okay?" Eric commanded. "You're giving everyone attitude, Sookie thinks you hate her, and I'm starting to think you don't like me much either at this point."
"Sookie's going to graduate a year early," Pam spat out, "and I'm going to be all by myself next year! She's not even planning on staying in Bon Temps! I won't even be able to hang out with her outside of school!"
Eric relaxed slightly when his sister finally unloaded what was bothering her. "And you're mad at me for the same reason?"
"I'm even angrier at you!" Pam told him icily. "It's always been the three of us! You guys are all I've ever had. My whole life you've been there, and now… It's all ending, and I realized that I'm not ready for it to end."
"That's not so bad, Pam," Godric assured his sister. "A lot of people get anxious about things changing, but you have to remember that just because we get older doesn't mean that our bond to one another breaks. It will have to change, but that doesn't mean it has to go away."
"Sookie was the first friend I made who didn't become my friend to get at my brother, and she ended up with my brother!" Pam groaned. "What if no one likes me without you guys?"
"You're right, Sookie didn't become your friend because of me," Eric pointed out. "Sookie is your friend because she likes you. She always goes on and on about how you stick up for her, and how she knows you have to try extra hard not to push her too much. She likes that you push her, though. I just don't think she wants you to push her away."
"Why not? She's leaving me anyway," Pam grumbled.
"For now, Pam," Eric sighed. "Were you planning on going to the same college as her? What if Sookie chooses not to go to college? Were you just going to go to school in Shreveport? You know their design program isn't very good, right? What happened to going to design school in L.A or New York? This is the time of your life when the distance gets between you and your friends. Only time can tell if your bond is strong enough to overcome the distance. Sookie and I will have to do that next year," he reminded.
"I guess…" Pam grumbled as she played with her biscuit. "I guess I need to try harder."
Godric smiled, "And stop being so hard on yourself. Letting go of a crush is no easy matter either. I think you need to give yourself credit for being so mature about the situation."
Pam huffed, "What was I supposed to do? Throw a tantrum that my crush liked someone else? Ruin her chances of being with the person she liked because it was my brother?"
Eric shrugged, "I've seen you pitch a fit for less." Pam raised her middle finger at her middle brother, and he grinned at her. "There's my Pam."
"Well," Pam finished the last of her tea, "if you don't mind, I think I'll sneak over to Sookie's house and get her ready for your date tonight. I'm sure she'd like to look especially nice for your birthday."
Eric was about to protest, but he knew that Pam wanted to see her friend for more than just an impromptu makeover. He hoped that it would also include an apology.
Pam was quick to pack up another one of her Southern Belle dresses that she just couldn't make herself wear, and her makeup case. She stole Eric's car and drove down the road. When Sookie came bouncing out to greet who she assumed was Eric, she skidded to a halt.
"Sorry to disappoint you," Pam popped out of the car, "but you are not going to be seen out on the street with my brother looking like that. Even if it is just in Shreveport."
Stunned into immobility, Sookie allowed herself to be shoved back into the house.
"Did you forget something, Dear?" Adele called as she heard the front door open again.
"It's just me, Gran," Pam called. She and her brothers had come to call Mrs. Stackhouse Gran just like any of her actual grandchildren would. "I decided Sookie was going to be killer hot for my brother's birthday dinner, so I came to give her a makeover."
"Oh, that's sweet of you. I hope your brother didn't make reservations anywhere. I remember how long it took you to get here for Christmas breakfast," Gran teased sweetly as she passed the girls to get another cup of coffee from the kitchen. She patted Pam's cheek gently as she strolled by.
"God I love that woman," Pam sighed as she dragged her friend back to her room and began pulling her clothes off.
When Sookie saw what Pam planned to put her in, she shook her head, "Too cold!"
"That's what leggings are for, Sweetheart," Pam laughed as she pulled out a pair and tossed them to Sookie.
In no time at all, Sookie was dazzling even herself in the mirror and Pam was packing her belongings back up. As Pam did, she finally accomplished what she truly meant to when she chose to come to the house.
"I was mad," Pam announced suddenly. "I was mad you were leaving me behind, and that you weren't sure if you were going to go to New Orleans with my brother. Eric reminded me that we would have split ways after high school anyway, and in his own way said I shouldn't waste the time we have together."
Sookie stared at her friend a moment before she left the mirror to give her a firm hug. "I'm sorry," she gestured when she pulled back.
"Don't be. I was the one who was living too far in the future," Pam confessed. "Either way, things will happen the way that they'll happen. For now, I just want to get something else off my chest." Sookie urged her to go ahead, and Pam took a deep breath. "I'm a lesbian." She waited anxiously to see Sookie's reaction. When her friend gave a confused thumbs up as if she weren't sure why this was a problem, Pam continued, "I had a huge crush on you when we first met, and I guess a bit of that was still lingering. I think that's why I got as angry as I did. I'm sorry I let myself act like that."
Sookie nodded slowly as she absorbed this. Eventually, she picked up her binder and took out a fresh pink paper. "Well, I'm definitely flattered someone as pretty as you had a crush on me. It makes me feel like I might not be as far out of Eric's league as I thought! As for the rest of it, you're my friend, and I love you. If you bring home any girls from college, I'll be sure to give you my real opinion of them just like you and Godric gave your impressions of Eric."
Pam groaned at that last part, "You bitch." Sookie grinned at her best friend and gave her another hug. "I love you too, you know. And I love you the right way for us now."
TBC
A/N: PLEASE, REMEMBER TO REVIEW!
-Andi