Unspoken Feelings
CHAPTER NINETEEN: BRUISED
"I'm sorry, Sookie, but Bill seems to have made a run for it."
That sentence had been ringing in Eric's ears for the past three days, and even a visit with Sookie to Dr. Broadway had not dampened the statement from his memory. Now, after considerable urging and even some threats made by his fiancée, Eric was finally on the plane ride back to New Orleans.
It was the longest flight of his life, which was saying something for a young man who had flown overseas multiple times and was the son of United States Air Force pilot. Eric was grateful when the journey ended, and he could exit the gate to see John Quinn waiting for him to give a lift back to the dorms.
"Dude, you're late," Quinn remarked, but could only raise his eyebrows in surprise at Eric's haggard appearance. "What the hell happened? You and Sookie break up or something?"
"I need a drink," Eric rumbled, not bothering to shorten his stride as he walked past Quinn.
"Eric," Quinn touched his friend's shoulder, "you've never said you needed a drink. What the fuck happened?"
"Get me in front of a bottle, and I'll tell you all about it," Eric answered as he shook off Quinn's hand and stormed through the airport. The irritated blond only stopped briefly at the payphones and made a few quick calls before gesturing impatiently to the doors.
"You're starting to freak me out, Man," Quinn commented as they went to his car and he quickly scouted out a bar to get the story of Eric's extended stay in Bon Temps.
When the pair were saddled up at the bar, Eric ordered two shots of bourbon and a Guinness. The two small glasses were quickly thrown back before Quinn could reach for one, and then the beer was up to Eric's lips.
"Someone beat my fiancée," Eric finally spoke.
"At what?" Quinn was confused.
"Beat, battered, assaulted," Eric snapped. "Take your pick! He fucking broke her arm and some ribs."
Quinn's jaw slung open in surprise, "Fuck, man, what the hell?"
"You know I told you she was bullied?" Eric reminded, and Quinn nodded. "She stood up for herself, and they got her back for it after school. He jumped her when she was walking home from the bus stop."
"The cops got the guy though, right?" Quinn demanded.
Eric shook his head, "She hesitated to say right away. She was scared of what her brother or I would do if we got to him before the police. Jason figured out who it was and went and beat the shit out of him, but I guess the little bitch figured the cops would come next, so he skipped town."
"Jesus, Eric, I'm so sorry," Quinn looked at his Coors just to have something to stare at instead of his wreck of a best friend.
There was a long silence before a masked sniffle beside him drew Quinn's attention back to Eric.
"Sookie started talking. She told me she loved me."
"Are you serious?" Quinn felt his emotions ricochet into joy. "That's amazing, Eric!"
"So you see why I'm just… fucked up?" Eric asked before draining the rest of his beer and flagging the server for another one.
Quinn could undoubtedly see the emotional battle his friend was facing. On the other hand, he'd seen a couple friends already wade into the early signs of alcoholism, and he didn't want that for Eric.
"I get it, Eric, but… just take it easy on the drinks, okay?" Quinn tried to gently warn him.
When the server placed another pint of Guinness in front of him, Eric stared at it a moment before taking a slow sip. "I'll just drink this one, and then we can go back to campus," he assured. Quinn was pleasantly surprised when Eric did just that. He nursed his fourth drink for an hour, expressing his concerns for leaving Sookie behind.
"You only got another quarter until you two are together, and Sookie can have a fresh start as soon as she finishes school," Quinn encouraged as he walked with Eric to the car. "I seriously doubt that Cunton is gonna come after her again. He ran away to save his ass, not so he could get vengeance later."
Eric snorted at Quinn's new name for Bill Compton, but was quickly overtaken with concern, "How could you know that?"
Quinn frowned, "Because he's been picking on a defenseless little girl for his entire life. Now that she's not taking any of his shit, he's going to move back to people too weak or scared to stand up to him. He doesn't want a punching bag that hits back. He's too weak to handle that."
"That's true. When I threatened Bill, he backed off her," Eric remembered. "The second her brother and I weren't there to keep him in check; he was right back to his bullshit."
"See? She'll be fine until you guys can start over down here," Quinn patted his friend on the shoulder before shoving him into the passenger seat and then strolling around the car to get behind the wheel.
"Are you okay to drive?" Eric asked.
"Dude, I had onebeer over the course of an hour. I'm fine," Quinn laughed as he turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking space. "You going to be alright tonight? Wanna crash at the house with me?"
"I wish I could go somewhere to be alone," Eric commented as he leaned his head back against the seat. "Everyone's going to be badgering me about why I was gone so long."
"Not to bring it up even more," Quinn grimaced, "but how's Sookie handling Bill getting away?"
Eric snorted on a laugh, "Better than anyone else!"
"Seriously?" Quinn asked in surprise.
"She said it's real justice because Bill did such a good job of running her away from her home, and now he's gone and gotten himself exiled from it himself," Eric explained. "As long as he doesn't want to serve time, he can't come back to Bon Temps."
Quinn let out a low whistle, "And she's okay with him getting away like that?"
"I don't know. We went to see Sookie's therapist yesterday, and with everything that happened, I can't quite figure out how Sookie feels," Eric confessed. "I think I'm too angry to absorb anything. That's the second kick in the balls about this. I'm in so much pain and have so much anger about it that things that have always come naturally to me aren't easy anymore. I've always been able to just look at Sookie's face and get it. Now? I don't know."
Quinn nodded as if he understood, but he remained silent. What was really striking him wasn't the fact that Eric's fiancée had been assaulted, but the peculiarity of Eric sharing all of this with him. He knew that they were close, but he was more than aware that Eric didn't like looking weak.
"Are you going to classes tomorrow?" Quinn asked, hoping a change of subject would help him ease the shiver running across his shoulders.
"Yeah," Eric replied, looking out the window.
When silence overtook the car again, Quinn swallowed hard and whispered, "Hey, Eric… Do you think… You should see someone, too? Maybe someone who could, y'know, help you sort through things?"
Eric sighed and finally admitted, "I think getting it off my chest helped a lot."
"Why didn't you just say it to Sookie?" Quinn wondered.
"How could I? She'd think I was mad at her," Eric pointed out.
Quinn rolled his eyes, "No she wouldn't. You guys talk about everything. You're the only long-distance couple I saw get through their first year apart without incident."
"I don't want her to worry about me," Eric grumbled.
Rolling to a stop at a light, Quinn frowned and glared at his friend. "Dude, just write her a letter about it or something. Get it written so that she understands what you're feeling and why, and just spill your guts already! Maybe it's not you. Maybe both of you are at a loss for communicating now that she can speak. Did you ever think that's the problem? So go back to your roots. Talk how you guys know how."
Eric considered the suggestion and decided that writing out how he felt might be therapeutic. He even bargained with himself that he didn't have to send the letter if the mere act of writing it alleviated some of the pain inside.
When they arrived in silence at the dorm, Eric gave a solemn, 'thank you,' to his friend and headed up to his room. Alcide was already asleep, and Eric went to his desk to begin writing the letter he hoped would cure the anger that was threatening to swallow him.
February 18
Dear Sookie,
I've missed you since I walked away from you at the airport. It was the longest flight of my life, and after a talk with Quinn, I think it's because I left you with so much open and unresolved.
It might be because of Compton, it might be because you can speak now, but I haven't been as open with you over the past few days as I used to be. I'm scared for you, and I'm angry for you. Leaving today was harder than ever because if I feel this way, I'm terrified that you feel a hundred times worse, and I'm not there to help you.
Tagging along to your therapy session did nothing for me. I don't need the help of a professional. I just need to know that you're okay. I need you to smile and to feel that it's genuine. I need to know that you still tell me everything, and you're not trying to be brave like when the bullying started back up.
That was the only time that I can recall that you hid something from me. I need you to know that you don't have to hide from me. Whether it's words or fists, please, please, please tell me if someone's hurting you…
Love always,
Eric
{†}
Sookie lay in bed, reading the letter from Eric for the fifth time. She hadn't been back to school yet, deciding to take the week off before returning. Gran didn't even put forth the pretense of a protest, accommodating her granddaughter's wishes.
"Eric will be home in a few more weeks for Spring Break," Gran commented as she came into the bedroom with the laundry basket. Sookie lay gloomily in her bed. "Are you counting down?"
"Gran?"
The grandmother felt her heart flutter at hearing Sookie's voice. It was still so new and welcome, but also strange. Every so often, Gran would have expected to hear the barn cat, Tina, utter a phrase before she'd expect it from Sookie.
"Yes, Dear?" Gran began putting away the laundry merely to keep herself busy and not put too much spotlight on Sookie. As the concussion abated, her family began to notice that Sookie had a harder time speaking when she was watched. The fact that she could still talk was encouraging, however, and the doctors, as well as Amelia, were optimistic that her ability to speak wouldn't completely disappear.
"I don't… feel good," Sookie choked out.
Adele quickly put the t-shirt she was holding on the bed and came to sit beside Sookie. "What's wrong?" she asked anxiously.
"My stomach hurts," Sookie whispered. "And my throat…"
Her grandmother smiled as she soothed back Sookie's hair, "Do you need a good cry?"
"It won't…" she flailed her hands, trying to express that she couldn't get to that point. Something inside of her just wasn't letting go, and as much as Sookie knew a good sob would help, it just wouldn't happen.
"Sometimes, you just need help getting started," Gran chuckled. "Come on, let's go watch Steel Magnolias."
Sookie let herself be hauled out of bed and into the living room. Together, grandmother and granddaughter watched the tear-jerker, and it wasn't long before the movie had done its job. Sookie turned her watering eyes against Adele's shoulder and began sobbing.
"That's a good girl. Let it all out," Gran crooned as she smoothed Sookie's hair.
After half an hour of tears, Sookie fell asleep on the couch, and Adele finished the rest of the household chores while the young woman rested. Sookie was still asleep when Pam arrived to drop off the day's homework.
"Hey, Gran," Pam greeted as she came through the kitchen door. "How's Sookie?"
"I think she's good," Adele smiled. "She had a nice cry today. Finally!"
Pam's shoulders slumped, "She cried?"
"She needed it, Pam," Adele assured. "Haven't you ever felt so overwhelmed that you wanted to just be sick from it?"
"I guess," Pam frowned. "Is she in her room?"
"No, she's resting on the couch," Adele gestured to the living room.
"I'll go put her stuff on the coffee table, then," Pam waved as she went to the living room and found Sookie laying on her side, staring at the blank TV. "Hey there. How are you feeling?" Pam crouched down but made sure not to stare at Sookie.
"Better," Sookie offered groggily.
"Better than?" Pam pressed.
"When Eric left," Sookie replied.
Pam sighed as she began playing with the ends of Sookie's hair. "I guess he made the whole thing not so scary?" Sookie nodded in agreement. "And now you are scared and upset?"
"It was ea-asier… when he was… a-angry fo-or me," Sookie explained roughly.
Nodding in understanding, Pam patted Sookie's hand awkwardly. "And now you've got to deal with the anger and fear by yourself." Sookie nodded. "You're not alone, though. You've got me, Gran, Godric, and Jason! No one's going to touch you ever again! So help me God!"
Smiling weakly, Sookie nodded again. The mention of Jason brought a flash of anger. It was brief, but still there, and it was only with the absence of her sorrow that she finally understood why she was angry. If Jason hadn't confronted Bill, then he might not have run off before the police got to his house. If Sookie hadn't been so worried about what everyone else would do, she could have told the cops before Jason had beaten up Bill. All in all, she felt angry at herself more than anyone, and how could she say that to Eric?
Of course, the last time you tried to hide the bad stuff from Eric, you were bullied for two months straight, Sookie reminded herself. And then when he found out, he was utterly devastated.
"Sookie?" Pam called when she noticed her friend's eyes glaze over thoughtfully.
"Hmm?" Sookie's eyes snapped back to Pam.
"I brought something for you," Pam grinned as she opened her book bag and extracted a beach bag. "I figured it would do fine for the remainder of the school year with only a couple months left."
Sookie took the bag from her friend. Her heart raced as she recalled why the replacement was needed. Sheriff Dearborne had found Sookie's previous book bag in the field Bill had chased her through. One of the straps had ripped off, and the teeth of the zipper had busted. Her books had spilled over three feet, the space of Sookie's fall, to the ground. The sight of the beating had been temporarily marked by the flattened grass and flecks of blood.
By now the grass will be standing up again like nothing happened, Sookie thought as she gazed at her broken arm.
"Thank you," Sookie whispered as she quickly put the bag behind her to try and dispel the memory.
"You're coming back to school on Monday, right?" Pam already knew the answer, but conversation felt strained these past few days. She didn't blame Sookie for feeling withdrawn, but Pam desperately wanted to protect her friend from any more suffering.
"Yes," Sookie replied.
"Dr. Jones asked about you today," Pam mentioned. "He told me to tell you that you're welcome to hang in his classroom during free periods."
Dr. Jones used to let her do that before the Northmans arrived, but she'd had him as her teacher the previous two years. She hadn't wanted to bother him when she wasn't taking any of his classes this year.
"And I talked to the principal about-"
"Pam," Sookie interrupted, "it's okay. You do-on't have to worry."
Deflating a bit, Pam considered her options before finally standing up and preparing to leave. "I guess I'll just let you do your thing for now."
"Pam," Sookie reached for her friend's hand, "thank you."
"Just don't hold it all in, okay?" Pam encouraged.
"I promise," Sookie offered a stunted, careful smile that made Pam cast her gaze down. She missed Sookie's open, carefree smiles that had been stolen for nearly the past week.
As Sookie watched Pam leave the house, she played with the fuzz of the wrapping near her palm. Her heart was aching, her lungs felt shallow, and her fingers tugged and twisted the soft part of her cast with visible anxiety.
When it became too much, Sookie went to her room and took out a pen and paper.
Dear Eric,
{†}
February 22
Dear Eric,
Everything is different now. After so many years of being picked on and even struck by others, I never really felt angry about it before. Sadness and depression would be more accurate. I felt weak, and unmotivated to be strong. Sometimes, I didn't believe I deserved the strength to change. Regardless of what I'm about to say, I know I didn't deserve what happened.
Even though I won't drop the charges I filed, I'm okay with Bill running off. I've chosen not to care about him or his problems. I hope that you can understand my feelings on the situation and that you can let go of your own anger and hatred for Bill in time. Holding on to all of that can lead to exactly what Bill experienced. He was consumed by something that happened a very long time ago, and he let it control him. Don't be ruled by the same darkness. Forgive and move on. I have.
I guess what I want to tell you is that I'm not scared. I'm definitely tired. I'll continue counting down the hours until you're home with me forever. From there I'll countdown the days until being in this place that's rejected me for so long doesn't have the satisfaction of reminding me I'm unwelcome.
With any luck, today's the last day Bon Temps has forced me to cry.
Love always,
Your Sookie
Eric read the letter through several times since receiving it the previous day, and still couldn't help but stare at the messy scrawl of his fiancée's left-handed writing. After a while, Eric hoped he would be able to let go and accept Sookie's hopes of taking the high road. Instead, he had just felt the anger fester hotter and hotter inside of him.
"You okay, man?"
Eric looked up to see Quinn standing over him. They were in the library, and his friend's inquiry had invited a wave of hushing sounds.
"I'm still brooding about everything," Eric whispered the admittance.
"Is that Sookie's letter?" Quinn asked, and Eric nodded. "What's it say?" Handing over the paper, Eric waited as Quinn read. When he was done, his friend let out a low hum. "Wow. Your fiancée is a fucking saint. Talk about turning the other cheek!"
"I'm relieved that she doesn't feel like she deserved it," Eric mumbled, "but I still think on some level she believes that."
Quinn shrugged, "If she does, then that's something she has to work through. How are you working through things?"
"Not well-"
When another grumbling of disapproval rippled through the library, Eric jerked his head to the door. This wasn't the place for unloading thoughts aloud.
Catching on to Eric's gesture, Quinn followed the blond giant outside. They walked in the crisp February air for a few moments before Eric finally began releasing his pent-up anger. "I want to kill him, or at least beat him until he's so fucked up he wished he were dead."
"Whoa," Quinn stared at the sudden, but not necessarily unexpected, outburst. "I guess that's a natural response? Sookie made a good point, though. Shit like that rots inside you. It will get more disgusting and fucked up the longer you hold onto it."
"I don't know how to let it go," Eric confessed.
"Okay, instead of trying to let it go, why don't you think about what would happen if you did something about it?" Quinn suggested.
Eric paused, "Well, I'd go to jail for murder or at the very least, assault. Sookie would be pissed at me, and we probably wouldn't end up getting married any time soon, if at all."
"Feel like killing that asshole now?" Quinn asked.
With an agitated grunt, Eric shook his head. "Not as much."
"Sometimes more than letting go of something, you have to weigh the consequences," Quinn pointed out. "Are the results really worth the costs?"
"I didn't expect you to be so grounded," Eric told him with the first genuine laugh he'd had in days.
Quinn shrugged, "I got my impulsive streaks, but I've gotten into enough trouble to learn the difference between being spontaneous and being reckless."
"So have I," Eric responded, but he seemed to doubt his own claims.
Quinn glanced at his friend and patted his shoulder, "Sometimes, you need someone else to ground you. From what I read in that letter, it's obvious you picked a good wife. She's tough, she's forgiving, and she's way too good for you."
Eric snorted on a laugh, "Trust me; I've been told that many times already, and so has she. Somehow, though, she's sticking with me."
"Like I said: she's a fucking saint," Quinn repeated as he slapped Eric on the back. "Want to go with me to the gym?"
At first, Eric was going to decline the invitation but quickly thought better of it. Letting off steam in the gym seemed like a much better alternative than spending more time in his head. Left to his own devices, the man thought he could quite possibly devise a murder plot that would keep him from being caught. Sookie would figure it out, though,he considered amusedly as he finally accepted Quinn's offer. The two headed for the gym, and after a ten mile run on a treadmill, the only death Eric had on his mind was his own via dehydration.
When Eric dragged himself back to the dorm, he was grateful to find Alcide missing, and he checked his watch before he reached for the phone.
"Hello?"a familiar voice lilted over the line.
"Hey, Gran, it's Eric," the future grandson-in-law greeted. "Can you put Sookie on?"
"Her speech therapy hasn't even begun yet. You expect way too much out of that girl!" Gran teased before handing the phone off to her granddaughter."It's Eric, Dear."
"Sookie? Are you there?" Eric asked after a moment.
"Mmm."
Eric smiled. "I got your letter today, and I showed it to Quinn. He says you're too good for me."
"Mmm," she replied in an agreeable noise that made Eric laugh.
"I just wanted to let you know that I never thought you were weak. Sometimes you can be a little naïve, but in the best ways," Eric told his fiancée. "I wanted to tell you that I'm feeling rational again, and not to worry about me doing something stupid. Focus on getting better and healing."
"Mmm,"Sookie answered, and Eric once again marveled at her ability to express so much with a single syllable.
"I guess that's all I needed to say," Eric mumbled after a moment. "I will still send you a letter, though, so don't worry." He heard Sookie giggle at his assurance. "I'll talk to you later. I love you." He waited for a beat as he could almost feel Sookie trying to reciprocate his declaration.
Soon his patience paid off, and a disjointed,"I love you too," graced his ears.
Hanging up the phone, Eric turned to flop onto his bed. The young man kept reminding himself that it was only a few more months until they would be married, and he would never have to leave her side again. In fact, Eric was hoping to broach the possibility of Sookie coming to stay at Rosenfont Hall until the wedding. The sooner he could glue himself to her side, the better, in his opinion.
Before Eric could continue contemplating the future he was anticipating, the door opened, and he sat up to greet Alcide. Instead, it was Debbie that stood in the entrance.
"Hey, Eric," Debbie waved at him merrily.
"Hey, Deb," Eric flopped back against his mattress once more. "Alcide's not back yet."
"Oh," she gave the room a glance before coming in the rest of the way. "Is it okay if I wait here?"
"Sure, I'm just going to start some studying in a minute," Eric told her as he mustered up the strength to roll out of bed. Midterms were in two weeks, and he'd been slacking on his studying after everything that had happened around Valentine's Day.
"How's Sookie doing?" his roommate's girlfriend asked with polite curiosity.
"She's been better, but she's tough."
"So did she drop charges?" Eric raised himself up to look at Debbie incredulously. "Oh, Alcide mentioned it. I guess I wasn't supposed to know about that?" She gave a weak grimace.
Sitting up the rest of the way, Eric finally slid to the floor and reached for his bag. "No, she's still pressing charges, but it doesn't really matter if they can't find him. She's taking it in stride though."
"Wow," Debbie shook her head, "I couldn't imagine someone doing that to me and not putting their ass in jail as long as humanly possible! I mean, I guess if I was in love with them, that might be the only way." Eric looked at her annoyedly. "Maybe I should wait for Alcide somewhere else-"
"No," Eric stopped her from leaving, "tell me what you meant by that."
Pausing briefly, Debbie shuffled closer to Eric and sat on the floor next to him. "I just meant that I'd only be able to forgive someone for that if I had really deep feelings for them. I wouldn't let just anyone off the hook if they hurt me like that."
"Some people are naturally forgiving," Eric told her. He refused to believe that Sookie had feelings for Bill. When Debbie laughed, he glared at her.
"What? You wanted me to tell you what I meant, didn't you? It sounds like you're in denial to me," Debbie pointed out. "I mean, what do you really know about a girl who can't have a slip of the tongue? She can't babble or anything like that. How do you know what she really feels?"
"I know how she feels," Eric spoke harshly, "because she pushed herself for months just to be able to say it. Can you imagine that, Debbie? Can you comprehend the effort behind overcoming what she's had to overcome just so she could tell me she loves me? That's how I know what she really feels. Because she's told me."
Grabbing his bag, Eric stood sharply from the floor and stormed out of his dorm. He'd hang in Felipe's dorm until his roommate's bitch of a girlfriend finally left. The end of the semester couldn't come soon enough!
TBC
A/N: PLEASE REMEMBER TO REVIEW!