RPOV:
"How do you feel about what happened?" The shrink, aka Dr. Deirdre asked, pen and notepad up and ready to write.
"How do you think I feel?" I responded with a good dose of attitude, staring at the blinding-white ceiling, picking at my thumb nails anxiously.
"I want you to tell me."
A stretch of silence spilled between us. "Like my heart and brain have been through a meat grinder. That answer your question? Because, I gotta be honest, Shrink, I didn't study for this test."
"Call me Deirdre," she said. Her slender hands were elegant as she wrote, her nails the perfect length, so pretty and painted the palest shade of pink. "This is no laughing matter, Rose—"
"Wait a minute, Doc…the voices in my head keep interrupting you." I paused for emphasis "Okay, sorry. They've stopped. Please continue."
"You do realize that I charge you for this visit whether you talk or not? Your father is paying for this. It would be a shame to waste his money."
"Now the voices are angry at you."
"I just want to help you, Rosemarie. I'm looking out for your best interests." Deirdre said, voice frustrated and slightly breathless. "You've come to see me for the past three months, and you've hardly uttered a single word. I have no choice but to—"
"You're not helping." I said in a sing song voice, playing air guitar to ease some of my boredom.
Oh, that comment pissed her off.
Twenty minutes later, I was in my Honda and on the way back to my parents house, having been kicked out of Deirdre's office and receiving a letter of suggestion to be temporarily locked in an asylum because I was "A danger to myself and others."
Rolling down the window, I laughed, balled up the paper, and tossed it out onto the highway. "Adios!"
"What the fuck is this?" Abe growled, leaning over the second story railing.
I squinted to see what was clutched in his hand, kicking the front door shut behind me. "A puppy? Oh, gee, daddy! You shouldn't have."
"Get up here. Now."
Despite the fact that I was really aching to get to my bedroom and lock the door and seek out comfort in being alone to my thoughts, I listened to my father and hopped up the stairs, following his tall form into my bathroom.
Although his back was facing me and I was unable to read his expression, I knew he was a little more than pissed off. The rage and energy radiating off him seemingly made the temperature in the small room drop a good twenty degrees.
"What is it?" I demanded, growing inpatient. "I have things I gotta do—"
Abe turned around, and in his palm, was a razor. There was dried blood around the edges from the last time I had used it and passed out on the tile floor, forgetting to wipe off the blade before I laid down and watched my skin leak heavy crimson from the deep slits I had inflicted upon myself.
"Care to explain, darling?" My father may have been smiling like a kid who'd just earned a lollipop from the dentist after getting an A+ on a checkup, but the dark tone of his voice suggested that he wanted to knock all of my teeth out. With a hammer.
Didn't blame him. Not in the slightest. Frequently, I had those kinds of homicidal urges towards myself, too.
"You know exactly what it is." I crossed my arms. There was a time in my life where I would have at least attempted to cough up a half believable lie or give a rat's ass about the consequences of my actions, but not anymore. Abe, drug and mob lord, who busted knee caps and blew up vehicles all the time in his risky business, didn't scare me…at all. I was no longer afraid of his wrath.
Matter of fact, there wasn't a whole lot of things that frightened me these days.
"So you're saying that you're not using this to shave your legs or trim down a womanly bush?"
I stared at him.
"Jesus Christ. Shit. Motherfucker. Damn it." After a few more interesting swear words were tossed around, Abe exhaled long and slow, pinched the bridge of his nose, and looked up, meeting my eyes.
The next words he spoke were like getting sucker punched: totally unexpected, breathtaking, and it pissed you the hell off.
"Get out of my house."
"Are you serious?"
"Does it look as if I'm joking?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
I gasped when Abe reached forward and grabbed my wrist, studying the fine lines that marred my skin. "I cannot believe you've resorted to cutting yourself. These scars…they make me sick to my stomach. Watching my daughter live in misery is making me physically ill."
"I'm fine."
"I won't see this anymore. I won't watch you slowly kill yourself. I can't take it. Your mother and I can't do this anymore. We just...don't know what to do. And frankly, I'm at the end of my ropes, Rose."
The slight twist of my lips was a sad smile. "So you're just giving up on me?" When he opened his mouth to talk, I silenced him by cutting the air with a slash of my hand. "No. Please. I've heard you loud and clear. S'all good. I'm used to people giving up on me. Doesn't hurt as much anymore."
With a heavy heart and an aching chest, I ordered my feet to move and went to my room. After taking one last look into Abe's sorrow yet resolved dark eyes, I softly closed the door and headed for my closet, dragging out a duffel bag.
I wasn't angry at Abe. He had had every right to do what he did. The only question was why he hadn't kicked me out of the house sooner.
The only person I was upset with was myself. If only things had been different…
As I packed up the few belongings needed, I couldn't help but think of the first time Dimitri had tried to reach out to me.
I closed my bedroom door and looked around. In spite of the fact that everything was familiar—the purple quilt, the multi-colored rhinestone nightlight, the shells I had collected during my childhood stacked neatly on the mahogany shelves—it didn't feel like home anymore.
Not that that was a surprise. I didn't feel as if I belonged anywhere anymore. Or with anyone. Not since Ivan's death. That had changed everything. My world had shattered apart. My life would never be the same. My heart was crushed and constantly aching in my chest.
Sighing and biting my quivering bottom lip, I went and set the last box down on the mattress.
On habit, my hand went down to rub circles on my swollen belly.
All it felt was a flat plane.
No baby in there. No more kicks. No wonderful heavy weight in my abdomen. No aching lower back or sore feet or full bladder.
Funny, I used to complain all the time, but now that they were gone, I would have killed to have those minor pains back.
After the box was unpacked and everything was put away, I tossed the empty piece of cardboard out in to the hallway, shut the door and turned off the light, then slid under the covers, hiking them up to my neck.
I must have fallen asleep quickly, because when I dreamed it was of Ivan.
And Tasha.
This nightmare was all too familiar. But no matter how many times I had the reoccurring vision, it always had me waking up screaming and frightened as hell.
This time was no different.
"Look at him!" I put my hand to my mouth in awe. "He's standing all by himself."
Dimitri wrapped his arms around me from behind, my body becoming engulfed in his large, safe, and warm haven. I was in heaven when he started placing kisses up my neck, his nose nuzzling my hair and skin.
"Go, baby boy!" I cheered, breaking from my husband and kneeling down. "Come to mamma! You can do it!" I opened my arms, encouraging him to take his first steps.
Ivan giggled and bounced up and down on his feet, using the edge of the coffee table to support his weight. When a few strands of his curly brown hair fell into his dark brown eyes—ones he'd inherited from his father—he blew air up in frustration, getting annoyed with the unruly locks.
"Come on, son," Dimitri's voice was so deep. "Go to your mother. She's waiting for you."
Ivan beamed at his father. Then, obviously wanting to make his papa proud, resumed a determined expression and released his death grip on the table.
I could only stare in wonder as our son slowly and uncertainly put one chubby foot in front of the other, wobbling towards us with the biggest smile on his face, flashing his eight small pearly whites.
Beside me, Dimitri was so quiet and still as he stared out our son take his first steps. The expression on his face stole my breath away. I had never seen anything so intense, so…
Happy and proud.
"You're doing it, Ivan!" I shouted, clapping my hands. "You're almost there. Just one more step—"
Suddenly, everything changed. When I blinked, all around me had gone dark, as if someone had shut off all the lights and closed the blinds.
Dimitri was gone.
But Ivan was there.
And so were Tasha and Robert.
Before I could do anything about it, Tasha scooped up my son and brought him over to Robert. Victor's brother just stood there, arms crossed, watching us.
I tried to reach for Ivan. Tried with everything in me. But no matter how much I tried to get closer to them, I would only get farther, like invisible hands were holding me down and pulling me back.
Ivan's cries filled the small black room, his piercing screams full of terror and pleas for help.
And I couldn't do a damn thing to save him.
What kind of mother was I if I couldn't protect my son?
"Why?" That one word held all the power of the world. It was the question I had always wanted to ask Tasha.
"Because you took my life away from me," she said. A silver light flashed in the dark. "So I will take yours away from you."
The knife came down on Ivan. I closed my eyes, but heard it slide across his small neck.
Everything went silent.
The cries of an infant stopped.
The screams.
The breathing.
A blade shoved into my stomach. And as I cried out in agony, I knew that I was never going to be able to have children again. I wasn't sure how I knew that, I just did.
My lids flew open. A gasp of air sucked into my lungs.
As I caught my breath, I couldn't help but notice that I hadn't screamed or thrashed when I woke up. I always panicked right after the nightmare.
But strangely, I didn't feel scared. At all.
And that's when I realized I wasn't alone in bed.
Snapping on the lamp, I looked down and a little noise escaped my mouth.
Dimitri was there. His large arms wrapped around my body. Bottomless eyes open and sharp, watching me cautiously, as if he wasn't sure what I might do next.
"What are you doing here?" I boomed, rocket launching off the bed.
Dimitri sat up, his massive body dwarfing my room. He didn't say anything. Just stared at me.
"Get out!"
"Why?" his voice was perfectly calm and collected. Totally at odds with my hysteria.
"Because I don't want you here," I said, wrapping my arms around myself.
"Let me do that," his gaze followed the movement. "Let me comfort you. Let me hold you. I need to hold you."
My back hit the wall, trying to get as far away from him as possible. My lungs were painfully tight, breath going in and out raggedly. Why did I suddenly feel so claustrophobic? That stare of his made me feel naked, though I was clothed.
"Please. Get out. I don't want you here." I croaked. "I can't see you."
Without warning, Dimitri was off the mattress and up in my face. His incredibly tall form towered over me, trapping me in the corner. "You think I don't hurt?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, the tears and sobs unrelenting and vicious.
"You think you're the only one who misses and yearns for Ivan? You think you're the only one who can't sleep at night? You think you're the only one who wishes to change the past?" his voice rose with each word until he was shouting. "Newsflash, baby, you're not. My pain is as great as yours is. My body aches for the loss of our son. I get the shakes just thinking about him."
My vision was blurry as I stared up at him, but there was no mistaking his expression. "Why are you doing this?" I asked.
"Because I need you," Dimitri brought my palm up to his cheek, leaned in to my touch, closed his lids. "Because I love you. And, and…I don't want to go on without you."
I ripped out of his hold. "Leave. Now. I want you out."
He just stood there.
"Please, Dimitri. Everything hurts…and I can't deal with this right now. I just…just…give me time to think. I need time to think about stuff."
"If time is what you want, then I will give it to you." Shockingly, he opened the door. Dimitri turned around and looked me straight in the eyes. "Just know that I will never give up on you. You ever need anything? Come and find me. I'll always be there."
Snapping out of the past, I shook my head and took a deep breath. Dimitri was a man of his words. He never did give up. No matter how many times I shot him down the past year. But over time, he started to give me space, because he realized that was what I needed. Truthfully, I believed he was slowly and painfully throwing in the towel. He wasn't quitting, but everyone had their limits.
The only thing that made me feel better, no matter how selfish it was, is that I was positive he would always be there for me...whether we were lovers, friends, or nothing at all.
"Ahem," Abe cleared his throat, hovering in the doorway. "You ready?"
"Yep." I slung the bag over my shoulder. "Good to go."
Downstairs, I went for the doorknob and glanced back, taking in my childhood home and father for what seemed like the last time. Abe's face would always haunt me, his expression I've-made-up-my-mind-and-absolutely-nothing's-going-to-change-it.
"All right, I'm out." The sun spilled inside the house as I opened the oak. "Thanks for…everything. Yeah, everything."
Abe didn't say anything as I headed down the driveway and towards my Honda. It broke my heart because I knew once he shut that door, Janine and him were going to be relieved to have me gone and out of their lives.
Lissa had been right. Everyone was washing their hands of me. Most of them already had.
Inside the car, I banged my head against the steering wheel a few times in frustration. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Fifteen minutes later, I was able to pull myself together enough to start the vehicle and drive downtown to a rundown bar. I drunk myself in to a stupor there, wanting to forget the pain and feel numb…even if it was just for a little while.
Hours later, I didn't pay the bill or tip the bartender and stumbled out of the bar. I must have passed out on the street because I don't remember much of what happened after that.
1 month later…
"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!" I booked it across Fourth Street and made a sharp turn down a dark alley where my Honda was parked. Pressing up against the old brick building, I went deadly silent and waited for the man in pursuit of me to pass.
Ten seconds later, the Shell clerk ran by, teeth bared, club clutched tightly in his fat hands. He was breathing heavily, and a moment later he stopped running completely. Leaning down, he braced his palms against his thick thighs.
I watched him from the shadows, praying that he wouldn't notice me. I resisted the urge to V8 my forehead. What was I thinking when I decided to attempt to rob that popular gas station? Of course the clerk would pull out a weapon. Especially after he discovered I'd been fibbing about carrying a loaded gun in my jacket pocket.
Marvelous! I was still out of cash. Not to mention my car was nearly on empty. I wonder if the clerk would be so kind as to kick down some free gasoline?
Probably not.
After a few moments of looking around and scanning the area, the Shell clerk shuffled back down Fourth Street and went inside the station.
Taking a breath of relief, I ran for my Honda and sped off.
Violet Mask was located in the roots of downtown. Not exactly the safest neighborhood, but a girl had to make cash somehow. The club was rundown, half of the purple neon sign was burnt out, inside, there was a working girl and a customer openly having sex in a booth in the corner, and at another one, two woman and a man snorting lines of cocaine off the table.
Business as usual. I hoped there was room to stick me in.
I found the club owner in his office, sitting behind his desk, hairy hands braced on the chair arms.
I was disgusted with the sight of the working girl on her knees before him, giving the boss a good one, causing him to make disgusting little sounds in the back of his throat.
Swallowing back the bile, I walked up to the two and pretended like the scene didn't bother me in the slightest. "Hey, Jim, how ya doing tonight?"
"Wonderful. Now, what do you want?" Evidently, he wanted me out of his office.
"You got any work for me tonight?"
"Nope."
"There's no spots open?"
"Not on a Monday night."
"Please Jim…come on. Anything. I'll take anything." That wasn't true. I had to cross the line somewhere. And stripping was most likely the lowest I'd go. Being broke made people desperate, and I was pretty goddamn desperate right now.
"You're not going to like it," The boss closed his eyes and leaned back, crossing his arms behind his head. The working girl…well, continued to work hard.
"Give me what you got."
"Janitor called in sick an hour ago. Said he had the stomach flu or some shit. I need someone to take up the spot for him."
"I'll take it. Thanks!" I zoomed out of the office and headed for the supply closet.
Later that night, I found little happiness as I handed over my hard earned twenty-five dollars and sixty-five cents to the man standing behind the counter. As he took the bills and change, his eyes passed over me from behind tortoise-shell glasses. His stare was too shrewd for my liking, and I resisted the urge to punch him in the face.
"Room number one-oh-eight. Checkout time is eleven." He handed me the room key, careful not to brush his fingers with my own, as if he were afraid to catch some contagious disease.
"Thanks. A lot." With the tone I was using, it was as good as telling him to fuck off.
Back in the room, I tried to hide my disgust and pretend that everything was okay.
But it wasn't.
The bed appeared as if it hadn't been changed in years. The tub had three roaches in it. The water was brown. The air was stale and smelled like mold and old urine.
Basically, it made you want to lock yourself in a giant plastic bubble to escape all the filth.
In spite of all that, I peeled off my clothes and headed for a shower. The spray was boiling hot and I quickly washed my hair and body with the offered cheap bars of soap and small bottles of shampoo/conditioner. It was relieving to wash in private, because I was so used to going down to the lake and bathing there.
It was three AM and I was balling my eyes out. Only hours away from checkout and having to go live back in my car until I could cough up enough cash to get a motel room again, I was beginning to have a panic attack.
The dollar bills were clutched so tightly in my hand that my knuckles were turning white. It was all I had left. I'd pawned all of my jewelry except the gold chain around my neck with the heavy emerald pendant that Dimitri had given me for Christmas years ago. I wasn't about to touch that. Would die before I ever even thought of selling or parting with that prized possession.
Do you know how degrading it is to have a measly two dollars in your pocket? To your name? It was the most awful feeling. You were no one. I was no one.
It was times like this where I missed living at home with my parents. People often took the simplest things for granted, like having a roof over your head or a meal in your belly or a peaceful night of sleep. God, I missed my old life so much.
My stomach rumbled. The empty ache once again telling me that I was starving and hadn't eaten anything the past two days.
What could I buy with two dollars?
Answer: Absolutely nothing. Every penny was gas money.
Walking over to the window, I opened the drapes and peered outside. The 24 hour red neon light sign blinked from the diner across the street. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd run out the motel room and headed inside the dingy restaurant.
"Can I get a few more packages of these Premium's?"
The middle-aged waitress didn't bother hiding her annoyance as she stalked over and dropped four packs on the table. "There."
"Thanks." I desperately tore in and shoved the food into my mouth. After the crackers were cleared, I munched on a dozen packets of Splenda, creamers, and downed glass after glass of ice water.
My total bill? Zero dollars and zero cents. Which is what I could afford.
"Are you going to order anything?" The waitress asked, hand on hip.
I picked up the menu. "Oh, yeah. Definitely. Just give me a few more moments. I haven't decided yet." I lied.
God, what had my life come down to? Sure, I'd never expected to be a billionaire, but I hadn't seen being homeless and starving in my future either. Or dining and dashing, for that matter.
After she left grumbling, I stuffed some Splenda's into my jeans and stood up, ready to split—
Only to shoot right back down in to the booth.
Dimitri walked passed the diners doors, went straight to the counter, and ordered a black coffee.
"Fuck me sideways," I muttered, hiding behind the menu. How the hell was I going to get out without him noticing me? And more importantly, what was he doing here?
Destiny was a cruel bitch, because in that moment, my phone decided to ring. A text from Lissa: Where are you? Really worried. Please talk to me. We all miss you. L.
Dimitri, having heard that cheery tone, stared over his shoulder and…
Badda Bing.
His eyes landed on me.
I ran for the door, only to have Dimitri step right in my path of desperate escape. "Where are you going?" he asked. Unlike me, he seemed entirely unsurprised that he'd run in to his ex lover at three AM at a diner in a not so safe neighborhood downtown.
That was too coincidental, if you asked me.
"Was just leaving. It's good to see you. Now…if you don't mind." I tried to pass by him, but he dodged each of my attempts. Going left when I went left. Right when I went right. My movements were awkward, but his were determined and with purpose.
"Sit down. Don't let me run you out of this lovely restaurant."
"Nah. S'all good. I already ate."
Dimitri glanced back at my table and arched a dark brow when he found it empty. "Really?"
"Yup."
"You're a terrible liar, Roza."
"Don't call me that." I snapped. It was just cruel to hear that nickname leave his lips. He'd used it so many times when we were together, but the word held so much value. I could still hear the way it rolled off his tongue as he made love, naked skin against naked skin, moving together, bodies anchored so deeply together…
My body flushed with heat as I took in his army uniform. The second-skin black t-shirt. Olive-green camouflage pants. Combat boots. The General hadn't bothered changing after work.
"What would you rather have me call you?" Dimitri voice held a taunting and mocking note to it. "A liar? A quitter? A deceiver? The list is endless, really."
"Screw you."
"Please. Go ahead. I could use a good lay. It's been a long while since we fucked." I gasped at his crude words, my anger boiling to the maximum in my veins, threatening to explode at any second. I raised my hand, ready to clap it against his cheek so hard it snapped his head back.
But then his eyes traveled up and down my body, and he cursed nastily in Russian. "Jesus Christ. You have lost so much weight. When is the last time you've had a full belly?"
For some unknown reason, I found myself speaking the truth. "I honestly can't remember. I just had some crackers and sugar, but…it wasn't very filling. I'm still hungry."
"Sit down." Surprisingly, his hand was gentle on my forearm as he led me to a new booth. I let him, drained of energy and the will to argue.
Once Dimitri made sure I was comfortable in my seat, he slid in on the opposite side, obviously wanting to give me my space but making sure that I didn't bolt from the diner.
I couldn't ignore the feeling of sparks shooting throughout my body as his leg brushed my mine for the shortest moment.
The waitress strolled over, notepad and pen pointed at me. "Hey, what happened? You can't just switch booths like that—Oh, hello." she stopped abruptly as she took in the bowl of eye candy that was my ex fiancé, her dull blue eyes flashing with intense lust.
"Hi," her voice came out as a purr. "My name is April…"
The waitress's words faded as I met the dark stare of Dimitri. The past slammed in to me like a fist to my jaw, knocking me back with the memories of the time we'd had together. Overwhelming, was the only word I could use to describe it.
As he ordered food and spoke with the waitress, he kept his eyes on me the whole time, in spite of the fact that his words were directed at April. The waitress, obviously displeased with not having his full attention, turned towards me with an ugly expression. "What would…your sister like?"
I snorted, ready to shoot off my seat like rockets were lit on my ass and bitch slap her across her caked-on makeup face.
"She's my date," Dimitri said automatically, tossing water over fire. "What would you like, Love?"
I shot him a glare. "I don't want anything."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"I think you're hungry."
"And I think you need to shut the hell up."
"Come back in a moment. Please." he told the waitress, who obliged with a sharp bob of her head.
Leaning forward, he braced his strong forearms against the table and studied my face. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I…can't eat."
"Why not?"
"Because…I don't have enough money to pay for it." I tried so hard to keep myself from crying.
It didn't work.
Like the loser I was, I broke down totally and wept so hard. In front of Dimitri, the waitresses, and customers nearby. I was no doubt horrifying Dimitri with my weakness. But I couldn't control myself.
God, I was such a pansy.
Except…Dimitri didn't seem to mind.
After staring at me for a moment longer, he waved April over and ordered two plates of manicotti, a side salad with extra ranch, and a Shirley Temple with four cherries. He told the waitress it was my favorite food. And he was absolutely right.
By the time the food came, I had calmed down and managed to stop crying, though my breathing was still heavy and my eyes ached. The manicotti smelled delicious, and my stomach hurt so badly with starvation that I wanted to start balling all over again.
I refused the offering. "I can't pay for it."
"Eat." Dimitri all but forced the meal down my throat. And watched me the entire time as I ate like a wild animal, not bothering with forks or knifes of napkins. After I'd licked the plate clean, he ordered me a cheeseburger with fries and then a slice of banana split cake.
I devoured every last bite. The full feeling in my stomach was the most glorious thing in the world.
"I'm sorry," I murmured as he paid the bill, more embarrassed than I'd ever been in my life. What he must think of me. "I was just…so hungry. Thank you…very much."
Dimitri smiled. The most magnificent twist of his full lips. That one thing lighting up his hard yet handsome face.
My God, he was so beautiful that it took my breath away.
And reminded me of the past.
The past that I wanted to escape and get far away from.
"I have to go," Without warning, I scooted out of the booth, slammed open the diner's doors, and ran across the street.
The pounding of pursuing footsteps only drove me to push my legs harder.
Bursting into the motel room, I slammed the heavy door shut and frantically went for the chain—
The door flung open. "What is wrong with you?" Dimitri stepped inside, eyes black and wild with rage.
"Thank you for the food, but I want you to stay away from me." I backed up until the fold of my knees hit the bed and I bounced back on the mattress. As I cursed and punched the pillow, my ex fiancé advanced, his expression indescribable.
"This ends tonight," he said. "I've tried to be patient with you. Tried to give you your space. Let you heal. But this…it can't go on anymore. I'd rather have you hate me than watch you die."
Unexpectedly, he launched forward and violently pinned me down on the bed, covering my body with his incredible weight.
I struggled to get away from him, using all of my strength to push him off. But, in spite of the fact that I'd eaten and felt much stronger than I had in a long time, I wasn't able to move him. Not even an inch. I'd have better luck giving a tractor a piggy back ride.
"Who kidnapped you, Rose?" he demanded.
I bared my teeth, growling like a savage. "Get off of me...or I swear...I'll call the cops and have you arrested for assault and attempted rape!"
"Answer my question!" Dimitri pinned my hands above my head. "Who kidnapped you?"
"Tasha and Robert!"
"Who drugged and tortured you?"
"Tasha and Robert…"
"Who took away your gift to conceive our children?"
"Tasha..."
"Who took Ivan away from us?"
"Tasha and Robert."
"Is your name in any of those answers?"
I was crying now. Viciously crying. My whole body shaking with sobs. "Not...it's not."
"Exactly, Roza," Dimitri released my wrists and rested his warm palm on my cheek. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."
Staring into his bottomless eyes, I found nothing but love and truth, and knew he meant every word he'd said.
It wasn't my fault.
Overcome with emotion, I did the only thing I needed to do.
I leaned up and pressed my lips to his.