Stef sat on their bed with her head down and her shoulders unnaturally slumped the way only someone completely broken would sit. She still hadn't found a way to ask Lena what had happened and more importantly why. She wasn't sure she even wanted to know the answer.
"Stef" Lena finally said after waiting ages for Stef to turn around and look at her.
Stef shook her head, still unable to grasp what was happening. "Why?" She finally asked.
The word came out with so much hurt and confusion that Lena wanted to cry herself but she forced herself to hold in her tears. She didn't deserve to cry just yet - she owed Stef more than that.
"I was grieving." Lena said.
"So was I Lena." Stef said, her eyes going wide. "But I didn't run off and..." But she trailed off, unable to even say the words.
"I know." Lena said as she sat down next to Stef and was relieved when Stef didn't move away. "Everything was just so..." She tried to find the words to explain. "I just needed to be someone else for a while."
"What does that even mean?" Stef asked. She'd never imagined Lena saying something like that.
"Up there I wasn't a wife and mother and grieving woman, I was just Lena and I just let go of everything else for one night." Lena admitted.
Stef tried to process whatever Lena was telling her. She knew that she was hurting from losing the baby and things had been a little crazy around the house but their family had always been like that, so what was so different now?
"I didn't go there planning this." Lena tried to explain further. "She just started talking to me and I found myself forgetting everything and just talking back. One thing led to another and..." She trailed off. "I didn't tell you because it meant absolutely nothing to me and I didn't want to hurt you."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Stef asked, frowning at Lena.
"No." Lena said. "I just... I made a mistake and I wanted it behind me."
"And you were just going to go the rest of our lives keeping it a secret?" Stef asked, still shocked and surprised.
Lena didn't respond, she hadn't thought that far ahead. Honestly, in her mind the whole thing would just disappear over time, like it never happened at all.
Suddenly Stef gave a sarcastic laugh, filled with disbelief. "And when we first met you didn't want a relationship because I would be cheating on Mike, and we weren't even living together any more. I guess it's just the other person that has to be single huh?" She asked with a bitter edge to her voice.
"Come on Stef." Lena tried to beg. Nothing was going to work if they started stabbing at each other.
"No, don't 'come on' me Lena." Stef said. "I don't even know how to describe how I feel right now." She said as tears started falling down her face. She finally let the raw emotion show in her eyes as she admitted just how hurt she was.
"I'm sorry Stef." Lena said softly. "I really am."
Stef looked at Lena, studying her face but all she could see was some other woman touching her and she had to look away. "I can't right now." She finally said, getting up. "I need to get away."
"Where are you going?" Lena asked worriedly.
"I'll see if I can get the night shift." Stef said as she went to pull out a uniform from their closet.
"NO." Lena said firmly as she pulled the shirt from Stef's hands. "No, you can't go to work like this." Regardless of everything that was happening she didn't want Stef out in this state.
"I need to get away Lena." Stef said, snatching her shirt back.
"Then go for a walk." Lena said forcefully. Guilty or not she wasn't going to give in.
"That's not going to help." Stef argued.
"Why not?" Lena asked.
"Because I need something to distract me. I don't need to just sit there thinking about you and some other... woman." She said in disgust.
Lena cringed at the image but she understood Stef's point. "Please." She begged more softly. "Don't go out there like this."
Stef sighed but eventually agreed to a compromise. "I'll stay at the station and do paperwork." She said, hoping that it would keep her mind off this but still keep her safe.
Lena reluctantly let go of the shirt and watched sadly as Stef got dressed. She wished there was something she could do to convince Stef to stay and talk to her but it wasn't going to happen and if Stef didn't get the space she needed then things could get worse.
Lena waited upstairs while Stef said bye to the kids and then waited another ten minutes to get her emotions in check before heading down there herself. She knew she had to talk to her kids too but she had no idea what to say to them. They were clearly upset with her and she had absolutely nothing to justify her actions with.
"Have you ordered your pizza?" Lena asked as she entered the living room. Some of the kids had changed places but they were still sitting sullenly around.
"Yes." Callie said. "It should be here any minute."
"Good." Lena said, for lack of something better to say. She took a seat on the arm of the couch next to Callie who was now sitting with Jude's head on her lap and Brandon at her feet mindlessly flipping through the channels.
"I'm sorry." Lena said, looking at each of her children. "I know I messed up."
"Yeah right." Mariana said in disgust before getting up and storming up the stairs.
"Mariana." Lena tried to stop her but the girl didn't even turn back.
Lena turned back to her other children just as the doorbell rang.
"That's the pizza." Jesus said as he got up and practically ran to answer the door, desperate to get away from Lena.
"I have the money." Brandon said as he followed his brother out leaving only Callie and Jude behind.
Lena turned to the two who were now sitting up and looking at her sympathetically.
"We ordered you half a sausage and corn" Callie offered kindly, knowing it was Lena's favorite. "We also got Stef a pepperoni with jalapeño and pineapple on the other half but..." She said, not needing to verbalize the fact that she'd left.
"Thanks honey." Lena said gratefully. She couldn't even explain how good it felt to have at least one child not look at her like she'd destroyed them all.
"We're gonna go take these up and eat with Mariana." Brandon said leaving Lena's and Stef's pizza and one for Callie and Jude on the coffee table before heading upstairs the way Jesus had just gone.
"You guys can join them." Lena offered, realizing that they may feel awkward sitting alone with her.
"It's okay." Callie smiled. "We're okay here." She looked to Jude for confirmation but the boy only did as she did. He had retreated slightly to the boy who had first come to live at the house, the one that followed his sister - the only constant in his entire life.
Jude quickly opened up the two pizzas and handed Lena her's but the woman was not in the mood to eat and Callie didn't seem to be either so Jude carefully laid his slice of plain cheese back down in the box.
"I know I messed things up." Lena said, desperate for at least one person to understand. "I never meant to do that, I just needed..." But she had no words.
"You needed to be someone else for a while." Callie said knowingly.
Lena looked up at her, shocked that she'd understood it exactly.
"I've felt like that." Callie admitted. "I've needed to just let go of everything for a while and pretend like nothing matters."
"That's not an excuse." Lena said, still hating herself for the choice she'd made.
"It is." Callie said. "Just not a good one." She offered teasingly, hoping to ease Lena slightly.
It wasn't that Callie wasn't upset with Lena or sad about the whole situation but in the end it had been Lena who had picked her up from juvie and made the decision to take the risk with her. Stef had been great and always loved and supported her but Callie really owed Lena her life here - Lena had convinced Stef to let her stay and give her a chance.
"No it isn't." Lena said, feeling just a bit of the weight lift off her shoulders. She smiled at the two kids looking back at her. "Eat." She instructed and watched as Jude quickly picked up his pizza again and took a bite while Callie looked back at her for a few moments more before doing the same.
Meanwhile Stef sat at her desk starring at the papers in front of her, but she couldn't concentrate on anything. Nothing was distracting her from the image of Lena with the young brunette and she knew that even patrolling the city wouldn't help. Lena had been right, it was too dangerous for her to be out like this. As mad as she was at her she still had a responsibility to her and the kids. But she knew that she just needed some space and before she could even register what she was doing she was on her computer looking up cheep, one-bedroom apartments in the area.