Disclaimer: I do not own Lord Of The Rings. Oh, and if you can find the Seinfeld reference, I'll give you free virtual cupcakes!

The Mines Of DEATH!

"Chillax, I've got a glow-stick." said Pippin. A soft snapping sound was heard and a greenish glow illuminated the faces of the Fellowship.

" Hey, where's Gandalf?" asked Frodo, looking around. He soon located Gandalf, sitting against the wall with a confused look on his face.

" I don't remember being in Moria." he said.

" That's because you hit your head on a rock while we were walking here." said Frodo.

" Oh."

Gandalf got up and used his staff to illuminate the room.

Pippin looked around in excitement. He ran over to a dwarf skeleton with an arrow sticking out of it's head.

" Take me to your pizza!" Pippin ordered.

Merry began walking around, puzzling at the 'crunch, crunch' sounds he was making as he stepped on the dwarf skeletons. "What am I stepping on? Lucky Charms?"

He looked down at his feet and shrieked. "I'm walking on dead people!"

" I'm walking on sunshine. Woah!" sang Pippin.

Gimli looked around with a horrified expression on his face. Aragorn came up and patted him on the back.

" Look on the bright side, now you won't have to go to any more family reunions."

" And that's supposed to make me feel better?!" spat Gimli.

" I love family reunions." said Legolas, prancing over to them. "But my favourite thing we do as a family is when we celebrate Festivus."

He gave a dreamy sigh, "I love the aluminium pole we stick in the middle of the table and the 'feats of strength' and..." his voice trailing off as he danced away.

Aragorn and Gimli shared a 'Wtf?' look before bursting into giggles.

" Imagine Legolas showing off his 'feats of strength'!" snickered Aragorn.

" What the hell? An aluminium pole?!" laughed Gimli as they got up and started following Gandalf down the mine shaft.

Meanwhile, Frodo was staring at a shape that kept slinking over the rocks, singing something about fish. He leaned over to Gandalf.

" What is that?" Frodo asked.

" That, my dear hobbit, is Gollum. He has been following us for about 5 seconds now."

" OMG stalker!" hissed Frodo.

Suddenly, Gollum swung down in front of Frodo from the ceiling. Frodo gave a little yelp and jumped backwards.

" Gollum is no stalker, hobbitssess." Gollum said. "We is just following the pretty lights. Oh how they sparkles and glowses. We hates them! Gollum, Gollum!"

Frodo gave him a weird look. "Dude you have issues."

Gollum jumped down from the ceiling and did a weird little jump/spin.

" We have no issues, preciouss. Mail man didn't brings uss next issues of 'Middle Earth Living', not afters we eatss him he didn't! Gollum, Gollum."

Frodo held out a package of Halls, "Cough drop?"

Gollum eyed it warily. "Iss it edible, preciouss?" He sniffed it, then swallowed the whole package.

Frodo stared at Gollum in shock. "You're not supposed to take more than one!"

Gollum licked his lips. "We likess cherry flavour, don't we preciousss."

Pippin bounded over to them. " Hey, Gollum, have you seen any pizza around here?"

Gollum looked at Pippin suspiciously. "What is pizza, preciousss?"

Pippin stared dreamily into space, "It's bread covered with cheese, meat, and sauce, topped off with mushrooms, green peppers, and onions."

" We've seen mussshroomssss here, preciousss. Oh yesss we have."

" Really?" asked Pippin excitedly.

Suddenly, Toad appeared directly in front of them.

" I'm the best!" it said.

Pippin lunged at it, swallowing it whole. He licked his lips.

" Best tasting that is." he said.

After three days of walking, the Fellowship and Gollum came to a crossroads/crosstunnel. Gandalf stared at the three different tunnels for a while, before plopping himself down on a rock.

" I have no memory of this place." he said sadly.

Meanwhile, at the back, Legolas and Gimli were having one of their famous competitions.

" I bet you I can kicked this dwarf helmet further than you can!" cried Legolas.

" Oh yeah?!" said Gimli.

" Yeah!" said Legolas.

" I beg to differ!" said Gimli as he drop-kicked the helmet. The helmet flew past Gandalf and down one of the tunnels.

" I remember now!" exclaimed Gandalf. He pointed down to tunnel that Gimli kicked the helmet down. "It's that way!"

" Yey!" the Fellowship cried.

" Follow the leader, the leader, the leader! Follow the leader, down the tunnel we go!" sang Boromir.

" I'm hungry." said Pippin, "Merry, can you pass me an apple from Bill's saddle bags."

Merry nodded and turned around.

" Crap! We left Bill outside!" said Merry.

(Bill: Hehe.)

Suddenly, Gimli stopped and ran into a room. A tomb was in the middle of it, with Balin's name etched in runes on the lid.

" Nooo!" cried Gimli.

" Does this mean we're not getting any pizza?" asked Pippin.

" I'm afraid not, Pip." said Merry.

" Crap."

" Hey look guys!" called Sam, "I found a well!"

Pippin and Merry ran over.

" I threw a wish in a well, don't ask me I'll never tell. I looked at you as it fell, and now you're in my way!" sang Pippin.

" Peregrin Took! Shut the hell up or I'll throw YOU down the well!" bellowed Gandalf.

" Take a chill pill Grandpa." replied Pippin.

" Grrr!"

Pippin continued to sing, despite Gandalf's threat.

" Hey, I just met you! And this is crazy! But here's my number. So call me maybe!"

When the chorus ended, Pippin made the mistake of throwing his arms out. His elbow collided with the head of the skeleton, which fell down the well, bucket and all.

The three hobbits gathered around the well, watching the skeleton fall until it was out of sight.

" I think we have to change the part in the song to 'I threw a dwarf down a well'." said Merry.

A great banging of drums suddenly erupted throughout the chamber and an army of orcs clambered into the tomb room. Suddenly, Pippin stepped in front of them and held out his arms.

" Stop!" he commanded.

The orcs stopped and stared at him in confusion.

" Go bath in chocolate milk! It will prolong your life and improve your smell!" ordered Pippin.

Merry yanked Pippin back. "You do realize that they are mutated elves right? They already will live forever!"

" Oh." said Pippin.

The orcs looked at each other and shrugged, before advancing on the Fellowship. The Fellowship charged at the orcs, hacking like crazy.

" Come at me orcs!" challenged Aragorn. "I'm frickin' Chuck Norris!"

Then the cave troll appeared.

" Cave Troll smash!" it yelled. Spotting Frodo hiding behind a column, it lunged at him, successfully spearing him.

" Holy crap, it's a Frodo kabob!" gasped Merry.

Legolas then advanced on the Troll.

" Bad troll! You no kill friend!" Legolas screamed. He then pulled a bazooka out of nowhere and shot the troll in the head.

When all of the orcs were dead, everyone ran over to Frodo.

" Mister Frodo are you okay?!" asked Sam.

Frodo got up and pulled the spear out. "Yeah, I'm okay."

" Group hug!" yelled Pippin, and everyone ran and gave Frodo a hug.

" Hey," said Frodo, looking around, "Where's Gollum."

Everyone looked up. There was Gollum, skittering around on the ceiling singing Dementia by Owl City.

" Dementia, your driving usss crazy!" he sang. He looked down at the Fellowship.

" Hello friendssss!" he said, "We isss now Sssspiderman, that we isss."

" Come on Gollum! We have to go!" called up Frodo.

Gollum swung down. "Okay, Gollum will go with hobbitsssess and friendsss."

They then ran from the room, heading for the bridge of Khazad Dum. When they reached the staircase, Merry gave Pippin a pair of skiis. Pippin nodded and strapped them onto his feet.

" What are you doing?" asked Gandalf suspiciously.

" Skiing." Pippin answered innocently. Him and Merry then slid down the steps, using the sticks to steer.

" Weee!" they squealed.

Everyone else ran down the steps.

When they came to the gap in the stairs, Pippin and Merry jumped it, doing a 360 in the air, before landing safely on the other side. Aragorn picked up Gimli and chucked him over the gap before jumping over himself.

" Hey!" cried Gimli.

Legolas laughed.

After everyone else had crossed safely, they ran down a corridor into a spacious room with 50 foot ceilings.

Aragorn whistled. "Shmancy."

Gimli beamed.

Suddenly, the room's temperature increased by a couple hundred degrees.

"Whew!" said Merry, "Who turned up the heat?"

Pippin sniffed, "Hey, I think I smell pizza."

The door that they had just run through suddenly illuminated with a red light.

" What the hell is that?!" asked Sam nervously.

" That is a Balrog." said Gandalf, "This creature can only be fought by a level 10 wizard."

" But, Gandalf." said Frodo, "You're only a level 9 wizard."

" Yes. Yes I am." said Gandalf, "Run!"

Everyone bolted out of the room just as the Balrog rounded the corner. The creature that appeared was tiny, probably only three apples high. It gave a little laugh that sounded like a wind-chime.

Pippin caught sight of it at the last moment, and gave a very girly scream.

" What did it look like, Pip?" asked Merry.

" Horrible! Like a little red Smurf." cried Pippin.

The bridge was in sight, just a couple more steps then...

" Surprissse!" cried Gollum, appearing at the entrance to the bridge. "Time to ansswer riddlesss it isss!"

" Not now, Gollum!" said Frodo as he tried to step around Gollum. Gollum hissed.

" No one passsesss 'til riddle iss anssswered!" he yelled.

" Fine. Just hurry!" said Frodo urgently.

Gollum grined.

" What is the wingspan of a swallow?"

" African or European swallow?" asked Pippin.

" Oh, we don'tsss knowsss that." said Gollum.

Suddenly, Gollum flew into the air and disappeared.

" Well, that was weird." said Legolas.

The Fellowship then dashed across the bridge, all except for Pippin, who was doing ballet and singing 'I'm A Little Teapot' while he crossed.

Gandalf reached the middle of the bridge and turned around just as the Balrog entered the room.

" Let's be friends!" it cried happily.

The rest of the Fellowship screamed in fear.

" You shall not pass!" cried Gandalf.

" Please." said the Balrog cheerfully.

Gandalf looked at it in confusion. "What?"

" You said 'You shall not pass'. That is not good manners. You should have said 'You shall not pass PLEASE'." it said.

" Uhh, you shall not pass please!" said Gandalf.

The Balrog beamed. "Good! Now come give me a hug!"

It ran at Gandalf, little arms stretched out wide. Gandalf screamed as it latched onto his leg.

" Ahhh! Get it off! Get it off!" he squealed. Then he tripped and tumbled off the bridge.

" Gandalf!" screamed Frodo.

Aragorn patted him on the back. " It's okay kid. I'll buy you and ice-cream."

He checked his pockets.

" Crap! That son of a hamster had my wallet!"

Instead, he pulled out a little container.

" Tic-tac?"