"You all know what's going on obviously." Stef said once the breakfast dishes were cleared. Everyone was sitting around in the breakfast nook waiting for Stef to say whatever she'd called everyone for. Each child looked between Stef and Lena to gauge their reactions but both faces looked sad which had become a common occurrence around the house since Stef found out about Lena.
"I know it's not easy, and we are going to work on things but for a while I'm moving out of the house." Stef said, knowing that there was no way to sugarcoat it.
"What?" The kids all asked in shock and disgust. "Why?"
Stef wasn't sure how to respond. She didn't want to tell the kids that she couldn't bear to even look Lena. "We need the space to get past this." Stef said. "We both need to be able to think clearly and this will help."
"Why can't she go?" Jesus asked angrily. "She's the one that screwed around.
"Yeah." Mariana agreed. "Why do you have to go."
"Mama is not moving out." Stef said firmly. "This is just temporary, and I will still be here for you and you can call me whenever you want but it's just something to give mama and I some space." Stef explained, though she wasn't entirely sure just how 'temporary' it was going to be.
Jude, who had been sitting next to Callie scooted closer to her as he began to cry silently. Tears also welled in the twins eyes slightly. For all three of them this had been the first safe place in their short lives and suddenly even this was falling apart.
"This sucks." Brandon piped up giving his mother a disgusted look. "I don't want to live here either then." He said. "I'm going to live with dad."
"Brandon." Stef said gently, hoping to calm him down before he got everyone worked up.
"No mom." I don't want to have to live here with her." Brandon said.
"Well you have to." Stef argued. "The last time you stayed with your father you caused a lot of trouble."
"Well that won't happen again." Brandon argued back.
"Too bad. I'm your mother and I have custody of you so you don't have a choice." Stef told him flatly.
"Having custody means that I have to live with you but since you're moving out I have a right to live with dad." Brandon was practically yelling now.
"Ask him if he'll take me too." Jesus said and Stef suddenly felt herself losing control.
"No one is going anywhere." Stef said.
"Except you." Mariana pointed out bitterly.
Stef sighed, there was nothing she could do. The kids were hurting and this was their way of showing how angry they were. "I will still come and see you kids and I will come by often. Nothing changes between us. I am still your mother and I will be your mother for the rest of your lives, nothing will ever change that."
Stef looked around at the faces in front of her. She felt bad about what she was doing to them but she knew that if there was even the slightest chance of the two of them working things out she needed the space to figure it all out.
After Stef had packed a few things and left to get some groceries for her apartment along with some other essentials the kids all disappeared to do their own things. Stef had promised to return for dinner but that still left the whole day without her.
"This totally bites." Mariana said to Callie.
"I was really starting to believe that his house was different." Callie admitted. "Like it was safe from the bad things that happen outside."
"This wasn't just something that happened, this is something that Lena did." Mariana corrected, using Lena's name rather than calling her mama.
Callie didn't say anything in response. She didn't want to upset Mariana further by trying to defend Lena. Of all the kids the twins seemed to be taking things the hardest. Callie wondered if it was because they that lived there longer than her and Jude had but also had bad experiences elsewhere unlike Brandon.
"Wanna go get some ice-cream?" Brandon asked as he entered the girl's room. "I just don't feel like hanging around here anymore."
"Yes." Mariana said quickly as she practically jumped off her bed and ran out the door.
"I'll be down in a minute." Callie also agreed. "Have you asked Jude and Jesus?"
"They're already downstairs." Brandon confirmed. "We'll be waiting."
Callie nodded and waited for Brandon to leave before she went and knocked softly on Lena's door. She could hear Lena crying through the door and she felt bad about leaving her alone but even she really needed to get out for a while.
"Come in." Lena said as she sniffled and tried to wipe her eyes.
"I just came to tell you that we're going to get ice-cream." Callie said.
"Okay, thanks honey." Lena said, grateful that Callie was telling her where they were headed.
"Can I get you anything?" Callie asked. "Mint chocolate chip?" She added, knowing it was Lena's favorite.
"No, thanks." Lena said, obviously wanting to be left alone for a while. "You just go and enjoy yourselves."
"Okay." Callie said before shutting the door and heading downstairs to the others.
By lunch Stef had gotten few items for her apartment and was setting it all up but in less than fifteen minutes she was completely done. This left her with nothing to do but crawl into bed and cry just like Lena was doing at home. Neither of them were in the mood for lunch and since the kids hadn't gone home yet there was no need for Lena to even bother with it.
Both women were tempted several times but neither went through with it. Stef just couldn't find the strength in her to speak to Lena and have to talk about this while Lena was afraid that constantly pushing Stef to talk would only drive her further away. Neither woman had ever even imagined that something like this would happen to them.
When Stef left her apartment later that day to head back home for dinner she got a good look at the area. If she ever caught one of her kids in a place like this she would have had a heart attack. There were teenagers smoking god-knows-what and people arguing and she felt for the first time like she didn't belong. There were just a few cars that looked like they would actually run while the others either had slashed tires, broken windows or spray paint all over them. Stef's GMC seemed to be the fanciest car around. She wondered briefly if it was wise to park it on the street like this but she really didn't have a choice. The people around had watched her move in but so far they weren't aware that she was a cop. She wasn't sure if it was better for them to find out or worse.
Her landlord was a sixty-something grouch who wasn't bothered by anything she had to say except that she would pay her rent on time and not cause him any trouble. He had given her a key with instruction to which apartment was hers and that was it. She went to the apartment herself, looked around, paid for the first month and then headed home to tell Lena and the kids. Since coming back she'd filled the mini fridge and put her clothes away and cleaned up the mess that the last tenant had left as best she could. She knew she wouldn't be hanging around her apartment much. She'd pick up extra shifts as often as she could. That would help her both to get out of the apartment as well as earn a little extra to pay for it, not to mention keep her mind occupied.
By the time Stef drove up to the house the kids were back though they hadn't said a word to Lena. She was finishing the dinner she hadn't finished cooking the night before so half of it was already done. She had wondered what the kids had done all day but all Callie had told her was that they got ice-cream and then headed to the food court for burgers and fries. She knew the kids had probably been angry with her and talking about what she'd done and Callie was trying to protect her by not repeating it but it made her feel worse not know what her kids were up to all day.
"Mom." Brandon said from the living room when Stef entered, pulling Lena out of her thoughts.
"Hi baby." Stef said, unaware that her kids were out of the house all day. "What have you been up to?" She asked.
"Nothing." Brandon said. "Waiting for you." He didn't tell her that he'd called his father to ask to spend the night there. He planned to leave as soon as Stef left after dinner. He hadn't told his dad what had happened yet but he would tonight and then he'd ask if he could stay permanently, at least till Stef was back home.
"Where are the others?" Stef asked.
"Jesus and Jude are out back and the girls are upstairs doing something or the other." Brandon answered his mom. "Lena's cooking." He added as an afterthought, once again using her name.
"Alright, well why don't you go call them and tell them I'm here." She told her son, needed to see her kids just as much as she knew they'd want to see her.
Brandon nodded and began climbing the stairs while Stef headed into the kitchen. Lena was busy stirring the beef stew when Stef entered. She knew Stef was there but she just couldn't turn around. She didn't want to see the hurt look in Stef's eyes.
"Mom" Mariana came bounding into the kitchen and practically ran into her.
"Hi love." Stef greeted her with a hug. "What were you up to?"
"Chatting with the girls." Mariana answered.
"Hi sweetheart." Stef said to Callie as she made her way to the kitchen with Brandon.
"Hey." Callie smiled. She could feel the stress in the room. She knew that Jude was struggling and she was trying to keep things as calm as possible. She'd been upstairs doing the laundry so that Lena wouldn't have to. She was afraid just like the others and keeping herself busy was one way to deal with it.
"Hey mom." Jesus and Jude said when Brandon called them in. All five little faces lit up when they saw Stef.
"Hi boys." Stef said to each of them. "Why don't you go wash up. Dinner's almost ready." She said, looking at their dirty hands and faces.
Both boys disappeared leaving Brandon and the girls with Stef and Lena.
"Are you going back to your apartment after dinner?" Mariana asked, her voice laced with sadness.
"Only to change." Stef answered. "I'm working the night shift tonight." She watched Lena cringe though the corner of her eye and it too everything she had not to reach out and comfort her like she'd done thousands of times before.
"Oh." Mariana said, though she's already known that her mother wouldn't stay over even if she wasn't working.
"I will come and see you kids after school tomorrow okay." Stef said, noticing the sad look on Mariana's face. "I'll be heading into work at four but we can sit together and talk at three fifteen until I have to leave."
"Yeah okay." Mariana smiled, glad that she was sure to see her mother again the next day.
"See, nothings really changed okay." Stef tried to offer. "I'll come by for dinner every other day as long as I'm not working and I'll drop by whenever else I can."
"It's still not the same." Jesus said, returning from he bathroom and hearing his mother.
"I know baby." Stef kissed him before they all sat down to a rather quiet dinner where all of them did little more than pick at their food and avoid eye-contact.
"Are you sure you want to go to work?" Lena asked Stef when the kids had excused themselves after what could barely be considered dinner.
"Yes." Stef said, helping Lena with the dishes. "I was scheduled to work nights this week anyways."
"Yes but..." Lena said but then stopped.
Stef knew exactly what she was trying to say. 'Yes, but you didn't know this was going to happen'.
"I'll be careful." Stef promised.
"Can we talk, before you go." Lena practically pleaded.
"Lena." Stef went to protest but the look on Lena's face begged her to agree. "Okay." She finally said and followed Lena into the living room where she took a seat opposite her.
"I know I've said it before but I'm sorry." Lena began. "I'm sorry that it happened, I'm sorry that you found out this way and I'm sorry that I hurt you."
"I just don't get why Lena." Stef said. "You said something but I just don't get it."
Lena wanted so bad to go over and hug Stef. She looked so broken, so unlike herself right now. Lena couldn't even imagine what Stef was going through. She knew that Stef would never do this to her. Yes Stef had her flaws - she was hot tempered, impulsive and it drove Lena crazy sometimes but she knew without a doubt that Stef would never do something like this to her.
"I take it that Kate was as clueless as I am." Stef said, saying the name with such malaise.
Lena nodded, still ashamed of how she'd treated the young woman.
"Who is she?" Stef asked, wanting to know more about his woman for some strange reason.
"I just met her." Lena explained. "She was so young and just full of life. She made me forget everything for a while."
"Clearly." Stef said bitterly, realizing that she was part of the 'everything' Lena was talking about.
"That's not what I meant." Lena defended. "I'm talking about the hurt and pain and emptiness I felt."
"Well why didn't you come to me?" Stef asked. "I've been trying so hard to make things easy for you. I know you're hurting and I understand that you're hurting much more than I was. I can't imagine what you were feeling but I was trying, Lena." Stef choked on the words as sobs took over. "I was trying everything I could think of to help you."
"I know." Lena said, beginning to cry as well. "You were great. I don't deny that honey." She said letting the term slip in there. "It's just, for that one night it was like losing Frankie never happened." She explained. "She wasn't trying to make me forget. She was just interested in me as me."
Once again Stef cringed at the image. It was just too much for her. No matter what Lena was going through she had hurt her and she now struggled to even just look at her without picturing them together.
"I love you Stef." Lena continued. "I know it doesn't seem like it right now but I love you and I love everything you have done for me. I am so sorry about what happened but I really want us to get past this. I need us to get past this please."
"I need the space Lena." Stef said, assuming that she was talking about moving back home.
"Okay." Lena said. "But please can we just work it out. Come over for dinner and come when the kids are at school and we'll talk. We need to get through this Stef please"
Stef sighed and then glanced at the clock on the wall. "I need to get to work." She said, not agreeing to either of the requests that Lena had made. She needed time to think things through and those big brown eyes that she loved so much did nothing to help her think straight.